Original subtitles

Oh, Lord...

...if I ever meant anything to you...

...please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.

Al...

You are a woman, aren't you?

Peg, we just did it last month.

A man can't just roll over and do it again.

We have to rest in between.

Al, you can't wear that cool V-neck T-shirt...

...and those stained pajama bottoms and expect me not to want you.

They do show off the merchandise, don't they.

Let's prepare ourselves.

Oh, Al, you're...

...done.

Thanks again, honey.

How you feeling, Peg?

I'm surprised you could make it down those stairs this morning.

I know. I was pretty tired.

I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake last night.

Yeah, those damn bees.

You know, one must have stung you, too, because I heard you scream.

You wanna do it again tonight?

Oh, Peg, I think if we do it again too soon...

...it'll cheapen the experience.

Bask in the afterglow, baby.

Now, Peg, you're not glowing. You don't have that...

...I've-been-satisfied-by-Al-Bundy look on your face.

Maybe you should go to your girlie doctor.

They say you should get checked out every 50 years or so.

You know, put you up on the old rack, check your belts and hoses.

Honey, there is nothing wrong with my belts and hoses.

I just need to be taken out and driven once in a while.

Well, that can't be a shot at me.

I'm Al "The Mailman" Bundy. I deliver.

Yes, Al, but mailmen are slow. And they deliver every day.

Yeah, but they don't always have to go to the same house.

But seriously, Peg, I mean, you weren't satisfied?

Well, let's put it this way: I used to call you "the minuteman."

Now I long for those days.

But, you know, Marcie was very comforting.

She said with you, the sooner it's over, the better.

You told her?

Al, you...

You wanna throw around the football?

There, are we done?

I think she might have told him.

Al, really, you shouldn't feel badly.

The reason you're so inept in the bedroom...

...is because you've put all of your energy...

...into your magnificent shoe career.

It's time someone spoke for Al.

Guess I was wrong.

Oh, Al's down.

I guess my work is done.

Well, let's leave these two lovebirds alone.

They may wanna have sex for a second.

Whoops, they're done.

Oh, relax, Al.

I'm sure she didn't tell anyone else.

Hey, Bundy, do me a favor.

Have sex with your wife 50 times.

We're cooking an egg.

Darly, why don't you use the time it takes your son to get out of his dress?

Hiya, boy. How you doing?

Well, let's just say you won't hear my bitch complaining to her friends.

Good boy.

Daddy, do you remember my boyfriend T-Bone?

No, but he sounds delicious.

Oh, I'll tell him you said so.

We were all down at the Harley shop, and he got into a discussion...

...about whether there should be a limit to presidential campaign contributions.

Which, of course, led to a knife fight.

And you should be proud to know that when kids fight...

...they say, "I'm gonna waste you quicker than Al Bundy."

What really bothered me...

...was that I didn't know about this politics stuff.

Daddy, they called me stupid.

Am I stupid, Daddy?

Pumpkin...

Now, you see that tree out there?

Now, that tree grows and breathes, just like you.

So, pumpkin, you're just as smart as that tree.

Oh, you have to say that because you're my father.

Hey, anybody on the street would say that.

But now, pumpkin...

...if you want to impress that psychopath that you're dating...

...here's what you should do:

Learn one thing really well.

Just pick some topic that comes up often...

...among your friends in conversation.

So politics or condoms?

Politics would be good.

You can start by learning about all the presidents.

There's more than one?

Indeed.

So learn all about the presidents...

...and you'll fool your friends into thinking you know other things too.

And you'll never have to impress anybody again.

Thanks. I'm gonna go learn about the presidents...

...quicker than Al Bundy.

Hi, honey.

You're gonna be so proud.

At the supermarket I heard that they have changed...

...the 10-item-or-less express line...

...to the Al Bundy line.

Oh, honey, you look down.

Well, I got you a little present.

Aurora white...

...and a nice burrito.

Come on, Al, break them both open.

No.

My self-esteem, my sexuality...

...my whole manhood has been taken from me.

I never want to go to the bathroom again.

Well, maybe we can finally get that curl out of the wallpaper.

And the birds will come back again.

Oh, honey, this is really bothering you.

Well, I'm gonna fix it right now.

Okay.

Hello, Marcie.

Al and I just had a major sex-o-rama.

Yeah, Al Bundy.

He was magnificent.

Yes, Al Bundy.

Well, Marcie, I... I don't have the strength to speak any longer.

But let's not tell anyone about this.

Except the girls at the beauty parlor...

...because, you know, we know we can trust them.

Al's got that look in his eye again.

Oh, no, Al.

Please have mercy. I... I...

Well, now you're a legend, baby.

- Feel better? - No.

We know it's not true.

Come on, honey, have a burrito.

No.

Oh, come on, Al. It's off a truck.

- Well, maybe just one bite. - Yeah.

Maybe just one roll.

Still hurting, though.

Wanna share some of that with me?

All right, honey. Now we are gonna learn all about the presidents.

As a visual aid, we are gonna use xeroxed copies of Daddy's money...

I have the originals.

- with pictures of our greatest dead presidents on them.

Now, this is George Washington, the father of our country.

I thought that was James Brown.

No, he's the Godfather of Soul.

I thought that was Don Corleone.

I think we've had enough for one day.

Well, I still thirst for knowledge.

I'll go to the place that got me through high school, the principal's house.

His door always was opened for troubled girls.

Hey, Daddy, ask me who's on the one-dollar bill.

Who's on the one-dollar bill?

George Jefferson.

So it was George Washington that was married to Weezy?

Al, I was at the beauty parlor today...

...and your name is on everyone's lips.

Well, that and bonbon crumbs.

Everyone thinks you're a stud.

- But you don't. - Sure, I do.

You do?

Okay, your relentless interrogation has broken me.

I don't.

But either way, it doesn't matter.

Because you're mine and I love you.

Honey, I'm gonna go upstairs now and take a shower.

My new nozzle, Jeffrey, just came in.

What happened to me?

I used to be good.

Everyone said I was good.

And girls don't lie.

Only women lie.

Maybe I should ask some of my ex-girlfriends.

How desperate would I have to be to have my ego boosted...

...by girls I slept with and never called again?

Come on, Lois. So it's been 20 years since I promised to call you.

I'm calling you now.

Now listen, this is a toll call so let me get right to the point.

Remember that night in the back seat of my old Dodge?

How was I?

I knew it.

"What kind of car am I driving now?" I gotta go. Bye.

Yeah, can I speak to Marilyn Fisher?

Oh, she's Mrs. O'Brien now.

You're the husband. I see.

Well, could you do me a favor?

Yeah. My name's Al Bundy. Could you ask her if she meant it...

...when she said she'd had them all, but I was the best?

Oh, she's breast-feeding. Hey, that...

That brings back memories.

So I was great.

The best!

Oh, come on, now. You're making me blush.

Well, thank you, Sister Mary Ignatius.

I knew I was good.

And if I was good once I can be good again.

I'll just get back in shape and show Peg I still got it.

Al, I'm gonna take a nap.

Yeah, rest up, baby.

And this time I may even kiss you.

Well, son, this is where it all happens.

The Bundy gymnasium.

And until recently, the place I came to cry.

But not today. Today we train.

Do a little bench press.

Do about 30 reps.

Count for me, son.

One.

Take the weight, son.

- What? - Take the weight.

- Got it? - Yeah.

Mommy!

- Get it off me! Get it off me! - Okay.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna roll it, Dad. I'm gonna roll it.

Not that way!

Other way.

Mommy!

How many was that?

One, Dad.

All right. Well...

...that's enough weightlifting. Don't wanna get too bulked up.

Supple strength is what I need.

- We'll go hit the heavy bag. - All right.

- I used to box in the Golden Gloves. - Really, Dad?

Son, don't you think if I actually had...

...I'd have told you about it 100,000 times by now?

All right.

You gonna be okay, Dad?

Maybe.

Well, I hope so, because...

...it's a long way to get a neighbor to give mouth-to-mouth.

You know, son...

...this has taught me a valuable lesson.

I'm plenty strong enough...

...but it's endurance that I need.

Come, boy!

I'm going to run.

I need motivation. Show me the picture of Grandma in her string bikini, please.

Come on, Dad. Come on.

Just two more steps.

Thanks for helping, Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy.

We wouldn't have helped, but he passed out on our lawn.

And I would have left him for compost, but the flies started gathering.

It's our little squirrel friend, Zippy.

Well, it doesn't look like Zippy.

Well, you have to imagine him...

...with blood, bones, and internal organs.

Squirrel killer.

Get him, Zippy.

Okay, come on. Marcie.

Marcie, come on. Come on, let's go, honey.

I'll give Zippy a nice burial.

Cheer up, Dad. So you killed a squirrel.

If it wasn't you it would have been some cook at a Chinese restaurant.

Oh, Daddy, I'm glad you're alone.

Listen, I have great news.

You found your underwear in the park?

No, but if I'm ever looking for it I know you're wearing it.

Anyway, Daddy, your advice worked out.

We were at the biker bar and everyone started talking about what happens...

...when no presidential candidate has a clear majority of electoral votes.

And I said that the last time this happened was in 1824.

The House decided the election and John Quincy Adams won.

Daddy, I wowed them. Now everybody thinks I'm a genie.

Oh, thank you, Daddy. Now I know I can overcome any obstacle.

I love you.

Where you going, Dad?

To the basement.

You gonna cry, Dad?

Yeah, I am.

But then I'm going to train.

Because if my little girl can train herself to hold a thought...

...I can train myself to hold my wife.

Let's see what you got, punk.

Oh, Al!

Oh, Al!

Oh, Al!

And to all a good night.