Original subtitles

So the Chinese Secret Service is currently denying

all allegations, of course, but our team on the ground--

Hate to interrupt. Has anyone seen a mouse,

white, about yay big,

possibly smells like nitroglycerin?

Uh, no, we haven't.

- Okay, then, my apologies. - What's going on, JoJo?

No big deal, just go back to your security briefing.

But if you do see a mouse, don't startle it

or provoke it or jostle it in any way.

Everything okay?

If we have mice, I should put my lunch in the fridge.

Let's just focus on the work.

So the Chinese Secret Service is--

Got it!

Okay, problem solved.

InSecurity S02E04 The Spy Who Fed Me

Sync and corrected by Kiasuseven www.addic7ed.com

Morning, honey. Did you sleep well?

Not really. That Jesus nightlight kinda freaks me out.

Oh, one of his eyes is burnt out, that's why.

- I did some of your laundry. - Oh, you didn't have to.

I'm afraid the machine ate the other half of these,

but you can borrow a pair of mine.

Thanks. But I'll be out Friday. The drywall's going up today.

Take your time. It's nice to have someone to take care of

- other than your father and his cyst. - Mom!

- What? That thing is like a third child. - Is that the time?

Oh! We didn't change the clock in your room since daylight savings.

I gotta go.

Excuse me, grabby hands, those are for Mrs. Reed.,

She wants you to come meet her son, by the way.

He's home from Fort McMurray and he's looking to settle down.

Big meeting.

At least stay for some waffles.

You made waffles and scones?

You can't save the world on an empty stomach.

That's why they invented crackers.

Morning.

Morning. You coming?

I'll be right there.

Hey, Pam. Alex?

Go ahead.

Good morning, Pam.

Alex. Shall we ascend together?

No! Sorry, um, I'll be right up.

Funny. First time ever I forgot my badge at home.

Let me just make a quick call.

Hey, it's me.

MOM: Oh, hi, Sweetie Pie.

Um, have you seen my badge?

- I'm buffing it. - ALEX: Why?

I took it out when I washed your coat. It had blood on it.

No, that was chocolate, mostly.

Do you have time to bring my badge?

When? I still have to lance your father's cyst.

The sooner the better.

Ah, okay, I'll drop it by. The badge, not the cyst.

Please stop saying cyst.

You're gonna need your supervisor to sign those,

Sweetie Pie.

ALEX: I'm sorry about this.

I've had the British High Commissioner

waiting for us up there for 15 minutes.

You know I'm not normally late. And initial here.

Now because of you I'm stalling him

with a slideshow of NISA's Greatest Takedowns.

And sign here.

It only lasts as long as BTO's Takin' Care of Business.

- So we gotta move. - Okay.

- It must be visible at all times. - Of course.

Up here, honey.

Wow. That's big.

Sorry about that. Just another file that's heating up.

This is Alex Cranston. She'll be interrogating Bashir Eman.

I'm going to tear him a new one, High Commissioner,

and an old one.

Well, if your tactic is to make him wait uncomfortably

and watch an awkward slideshow,

he might become irritated enough to talk.

I assure you, High Commissioner, I can handle Bashir.

I have enough background on his connection

to the People's Liberation Front,

as well as his family here in Canada,

to have substantial leverage. If you'll just observe.

- ANNOUNCER: NISA'S greatest takedowns! -Oh.

- The hottest, the best. - Oops. I can do this. Hold on.

- Vancouver, '87, Swift Current-- - There we go.

Look, I agreed to a 24 hour loan of Mr. Eman

before MI6 renders him to the CIA, and they are not amused.

It's going to take a lot of free MI6 swag to calm them down.

I'm talking fleece pullovers, knapsacks,

handsome USB pens.

CIA's always mad.

The whole agency needs to do some Bikram, seriously.

Everything will be fine.

I will go with Agent Lesage to the airport,

pick up Bashir, and in less than 24 hours

we will have intel on potential PLF attacks

here in Canada and abroad.

And I might add,

MI6 has had him for two weeks and gotten nothing.

- Please don't add that. - Okay.

Well, that was better than I thought.

Oh, um, these fell out of your pocket in the meeting.

It has not been a great morning.

Do you know what I do to keep from losing my badge?

I didn't lose it. My mom washed my coat. Very different.

Keep it in a safe place.

Are you having a heart attack?

Can you lift the corner of my desk, please.

There.

That's where you keep your badge?

It keeps the desk level.

While we're picking up Bashir, I need you two to follow up

with surveillance on Nina Shafari.

Whoa, she's easy on the eyes.

Suspected Iranian spy working at Canada Nuclear.

We think she's seducing physicists for intel.

See what you can find.

We're on it.

So, stakeout today, with JoJo?

Yes.

You know, sometimes on stakeout it gets long

and lonely and the two agents kill time by--

I'm on it. I've got my phone, my book, Travel Scrabble.

I meant more that it might be an opportunity

for you to get to know JoJo in a more romantic sense.

You know, stakeout makeout?

What?

No. No, no.

JoJo's a professional. I'm a professional.

We're not making out.

You remember Angela on the corporate espionage desk?

Yeah, you dated her.

Yes. And it started off as stakeout makeout,

that led to makeout makeout.

Then she decided she liked her old boyfriend better

and dumped me, but the point is,

it started off as stakeout makeout.

Listen to yourself. You sound like you're 13 years old.

I've got a job to do.

Did you get dressed up?

What? No. This jacket? No, no, no.

- No, no, I wear it all the time. - It looks nice.

Oh, yeah? Thanks. I just got it.

So, Nina Shafari.

Brings nuclear engineers back to this love nest

and gives them the time of their repressed lives.

Relationships with coworkers. That's trouble, huh?

It's the lifeblood of espionage.

Hey, you know, N'udu was just talking about this.

How sometimes on stakeouts when they get long,

agents kill time by sorta makin' out and stuff.

You ever hear about anything like that?

Stakeout makeout?

Yeah! I mean, is that what it's called?

It seems kinda high school to me.

I know. So dumb. Right?

I think you need to keep your work life

and personal life separate.

I agree.

It's the mark.

I think she's gone.

JoJo?

What?

Oh. Good.

Have to make it look convincing.

People like Nina Shafari are pros.

They'll know if it's real kissing or not.

Now I know what a baby bird feels like.

Alex Cranston, NISA.

This is my colleague, Claude Lesage.

Nigel Morse, MI6.

Badges please.

Uh, Claude, you go first.

Gosh, what happened here?

Oh. Took a bullet in Mogadishu.

You know these big, square Mogadishu-ian bullets, hm?

This badge saved my life.

You brave soul.

That day I learned that a badge is more than brass and pleather.

It's-- a badge is courage, a badge is pride.

Right. Ms. Cranston, may I see yours?

This says "Visitor."

It's temporary.

All right.

All right, then.

For the next 24 hours, Bashir officially belongs to you.

- Thank you. - Not to you, to him.

Actually, I'm the lead on this.

Right. Do you have another sticker to prove it?

I only have the one.

And I'm gonna need it back, so I can get into my office.

Right.

I hope you're looking forward to spending 24 hours in hell, Bashir.

Because that's where you are, in hell.

Actually, you're in the lobby. Hell is inside.

Hey, did my mom drop off my badge?

And she's still here.

I went to get this from the car.

Just something to tide you over.

I know you get busy and forget to eat.

Aren't you going to introduce me to your colleagues?

It's not a good time.

- I'm Alex's mom, Barb. How do you do? - No.

Claude Lesage, Senior Analyst.

- Enchant��, madame. - Enchant��.

And who's this swarthy gent?

Bashir Eman.

Number 23 on our Most Wanted List.

Oh, okay. Okay?

- Is he dangerous? - I'll be fine. It's what I do.

You're never going to be taken seriously

- with lipstick on your face, Alex. - Mom!

- Okay, there. - I'll be right there.

Hold still. Got it. Yeah. Okay.

Have a great day.

You brought a book.

Yeah. Yeah, just in case.

I know we have to focus, it's just sometimes it gets long.

And the two of us just waiting for some lonely scientist

to give in to his lusty carnal urges.

Yeah.

- I brought some work, too. - Well, not work.

I swore this PhD would just be for fun.

Cool.

Here comes the mark.

- Wait a minute. - Hm?

It's not her. It's not even a woman.

Mm. So?

We should probably convince that guy

we're making out so they don't get suspicious.

What's up?

I'm going to check at the back of the building.

Don't you worry.

But--

This book is French.

By the time we're done with you, MI6 is gonna look like daycare.

Are you an intern?

We know about your cousin at McGill.

It would be sad if he lost his student visa, ship him back home.

Ach, I hate my cousin.

Your uncle paid for him to go there. It would break his heart.

My uncle is an idiot.

I get it.

You're angry at the world, you hate everyone.

Not everyone.

I like Will Ferrell.

If I wanted to, I could get Will Ferrell on a plane right now

and bring him to meet you.

I don't like him that much.

I was starting to worry. Did you see anything?

What are you doing here?

JoJo called. She said you needed backup.

I don't need backup.

She said she's following the mark and I should stay with you

in case any of Shafari's man friends show up.

She didn't tell me anything about that.

And how did she sound? Was she mad?

What's going on?

Nothing.

Okay, maybe we made out.

Fantastic! Was it amazing?

Yeah, it was great.

And then we did it again, and it was even better.

And then suddenly she got serious and just left the car.

Hm. Who kissed first?

It was sorta mutual.

Was it a "Hi. How are you?" kiss, or

a "Come up and see my place" kinda kiss?

A bit of both.

It was sort of a "Hi. How is your place?" sorta kiss.

I need to find her.

If anyone comes by, I'll make out with this coffee cup.

Hey, Sport. Anytime you want to, you know,

get some useful information outta him,

you just go right ahead.

Don't bother waitin' for the green light.

It's coming. I'm working all the angles.

Right now it's the Will Ferrell angle, but we're talking.

Yeah. Well, speed it up.

The High Commissioner wants to observe

and I'm gonna have to stall him.

I can come in and play bad cop if you want.

- I'm playing bad cop. - Right.

But if you need me to play another bad cop, I'm here.

There's an idea. Alex, you and me go for a walk,

leave Bashir with the French Bear.

If we come back to a confession and a puddle, so be it.

- Bashir's close to cracking. - Really?

All we have is the name of a gifted comic actor.

I don't know about you, but here on Planet Serious

I'm officially in panic mode.

Don't worry, he'll talk.

You guys don't really call me the French Bear, do ya?

Where's Burt?

He went off looking for you.

It's Shafari.

That's weird, I just saw Shafari, but--

You're back.

- That wasn't me. - I know.

You should eat.

Didn't your mother pack you a lunch?

Maybe.

What is she doing?

Nervous breakdown.

There goes another young spy.

Damn it.

All right, Claude, fish her out of there

and send her over to the Hamilton field office

with the rest of the burnouts.

He-hey-hey, you found us.

Great to see you.

Peculiar directions, Peter.

Yeah, the place is a maze. I still get lost.

How's she doing?

Great.

So, cupcake?

It's got sprinkles in it.

Hm, not bad.

If you like that, you should try the egg salad. You'll die.

Not literally. It's not poison.

I also have pickles.

Is she all right?

Oh, yeah. She's just following a trademark

NISA interrogation technique.

Yes. The idea is to get the prisoner on a sugar high

from the cream cheese icing of the cupcake.

And I don't wanna even mention what happens

with the carrot sticks.

I'm scared for that guy.

I hope she doesn't bring out the big guns.

Too late.

Why does your mother slice them? Don't they go brown?

She squeezes lemon on them, lime if she's feeling zesty,

nothing if she's depressed.

- Burt, what you saw was-- - It was nothing.

If that was nothing, I'd like to see what something is.

I'm being sarcastic. I really don't.

The mark came by, we had to make out.

That's what happens on stakeout.

It does when you're on stakeout. Everyone gets kissed.

It's different with N'udu. He had chips in his mouth.

I didn't know you were going to grab me.

- And his kiss left me cold. - I guess we cleared that up.

- It wasn't like that with you. - Then why did you leave?

Because. Well, I found the kissing exceptional.

I sometimes have a hard time showing my feelings.

You had no trouble saying I left you cold.

Also, your kiss surprised me.

Yeah, it was pretty awesome, wasn't it?

All right.

I'm gonna go check the back while you two patch things up

and figure out a proper apology for dragging me into this.

I grew up in an orchard, largest one back home.

Hm. We had to pick apples, not because our family

depended on it, but because my father was cheap.

After we finished picking, we'd go for a swim in the river.

My mother would bring us fresh apple cake.

Mm, sounds tasty.

Actually, it was a little mushy.

She's a nervous woman, tends to rush things.

- Mothers, huh? - Hey, what you gonna do?

I hear ya.

It's gonna suck to have to throw yours in prison.

What are you talking about?

Taking your mother into custody, throwing her in a cell.

She might tell us something about your plans, then.

B- b-but she doesn't know anything.

Guess we'll find out. It won't be hard to find her.

Largest apple orchard in Lebanon,

likely near El Akoura, by the River of Ibrahim.

I figure Allied Ops can get to her within about 8 hours.

- Claude? - Six.

You wouldn't.

Unless you want to tell us something about

the Liberation Front's plans for an attack here in Canada.

There are no plans.

Tell Allied Ops where Bashir's mother is.

Okay, okay. The targets were port cities.

We were going to use containers from ships--

Whoa, whoa. I did not think that would work so well.

Do you have a pen?

The truth is, I pride myself on being a professional,

and it's hard to take the work seriously

when you and a colleague are busy

polishing each other's fillings.

I think that we should just be professional coworkers.

Okay. But can't we be professional coworkers by day

and professional kissers by night?

Or did I just call you a prostitute?

It might be all right for the German Secret Service.

They're two blocks away, kissing like bandits.

So you want to be friends?

You and I have a really good working relationship.

I think we should preserve that.

I guess.

There's the mark.

The seat's kind of in the way.

- Also, she didn't notice us. - Damn it.

- Good work. - Yes.

Though most cross-examinations I've witnessed

tend to be more violent.

I had a plastic fork in my back pocket if it came to that.

Let me show you the real way out.

I had no idea what I was doing in there.

I was just starving and I had to eat.

Then I thought of you and how you sold that stupid

Mogadishu bullet story to those MI6 guys.

If you look confident, you can pull off anything.

- Mark Twain? - Jessica Alba.

And what was stupid about my story?

So he's a physicist, huh?

Dr. David Lowe, subcritical neutron specialist.

Wow, they have a serious lack of chemistry.

- He needs to slow down. - She needs to close her eyes.

He should pull her closer.

She should bite his lip a little,

run her hands through his hair, then hold his scalp

firmly between her nails and maybe draw a little blood.

Whoo. Okay, I'm gonna go for a walk this time.

Yeah, you probably should.

Well, you two got busy on the Shafari file.

- What? - Why?

We didn't do anything. Nothing happened.

I feel like you smother me.

Thanks to your work, we finally got enough evidence

to charge Nina Shafari with corporate espionage.

- Oh. - Of course.

- It was a team effort. - Not too close a team.

This is fun.

Hey, Mom, it's me.

I wanted to thank you for that bag lunch the other day.

It was really great.

Oh, good. I'll give you the recipe for that cupcake.

You don't need to do that.

- MOM: Have you got a pen? - It's okay.

It's two and a half cups of flour, sifted.

Um, why don't you email it to me?

Okay. But you'll have to wait until your father

can get to the computer room and do it for me.

He can't do stairs until that cyst is fully drained.

I'm gonna go now.

- MOM: You're a good girl, Alex. - Thanks, Mom.

If you're a lesbian, we still love you.

Bye.

Subtitle by: Kiasuseven

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