All language subtitles for Insecurity s01e09 El Negotiator.eng

[
]

[ glasses clinking ]

Thanks, Santos.

JoJo! Aaaah.

Isn't this awesome?
Finally a night off.

I've so been looking forward to this.

- Even bought a dress.
- What is this?

A Cranstontini!

I invented it at my
sister's baby shower.

Anything to get through
these government parties.

Aaahh.
[ smacks lips ]

Well, I'm ready to pick some pockets.

That sounds like work and I said
no working. Boss's orders.

It's how I cut loose.

Oh, I see a DJ. Whoo-ooo!

So, there I was in the middle
of the Congolese rainforest,

cradling my dearest friend, Lahoti,

the blood gushing from his heart wound.

And with his last breath he leaned up

and whispered in my ear,
"Benjamin, you are my hero. "

Something similar happened
to me the other day.

I was in the office
cradling a box of staples

when I realized I needed paperclips.

So then I got the paperclips
and I spilt them.

I'm gonna go get a drink.

I'll join you.

Get out. You're really from Cozumel?

I go there every winter.

There's this great little bar
there called, um, El Party.

That's my cousin's place.

- Hector's your cousin?
- Yeah, si.

I love that guy.

We stole cattle together.

[ laughing ]

- Mm?
- Hey.

I just got the Minister
to try a Cranstontini.

- You want one?
- Oh, no thanks.

Last time you gave me one of those,

I woke up face down in a cheesecake.

Did you say the Minister would
like one? He's here now?

Yeah, he's right over there. Great guy.

Has the Minister of Justice arrived?

Yes, I think it's him.

He looks different than I remember.

As soon as begins his speech...

we strike.

[
]

InSecurity Season 1 Episode 9
El Negotiator

I thought we were going
to some swank party.

Well, we'll get there.
I just wanted to, uh, show you around.

This is the, uh, this is the lab

where I cook up poisons
and stuff for bad guys.

Oh, what's this?

A little something for the good guys.

- A 26 of rye, huh?
- I don't really like rye.

Sure you do.
Girls your age love rye.

Great party, man.

- Having fun?
- Oh, yeah. Things are starting to heat up.

See that couple over there?

Greg and Mary. They're sweet.
I was just talking to them.

He's cheating on her and
she's had too much to drink.

No! They run a flower shop together.

It's a sham. Check out
his emails on his phone.

- He's screwing the bulb supplier.
- And the mulch lady.

And as Lahoti lay dying in
my arms, he looked up at me

and he said, "Burt, you are my hero. "

Oh that's crazy, eh?

Then he died.

- That's it? I'm going.
- Oh, no, no. Don't go.

Because he only died for a minute.

I brought him back by digging the bullet

out of his heart with my bare hands.

That's wicked awesome.

Then I was able to stop
the bleeding with a lemon

and an ice cube,

uh, and a battery.
[ taps glass ]

Good evening, everyone.

I'll let you get back
to the party in a second.

Okay, we do this, but no
one kill the French guy.

He knows my cousin.

Everybody knows your cousin.

Fine, we'll spare the Frenchie.

Are we ready to strike?

The Minister of Justice is our
ticket to freeing our brothers.

It's been a great year for
the Ministry of Fisheries,

and for me, personally,
the Minister of Fisheries.

Nobody move!
This is a hostage taking!

[ crowd exclamations ]

A hostage taking on my one night off?

You've gotta be kidding me!

We are the Mexican Freedom Front.

Three years ago, Roberto
Gutierrez and five of our brothers

took hostages in the name of
the Mexican Freedom Front.

It did not go well.

And you, Minister of Justice,
put them away.

I'm the Minister of Fisheries.

Minister of Fish?

Not the Minister of Justice?

No. She's Black.

Yeah, see, it's-it's just
a big friendly mix-up.

We can all get back
to dancing now.

God, I'm gonna have to work
tonight, aren't I?

[ cell phone ringing ]

Ooo. Excuse me.

Hello. What?

How many?

Mexicans, huh?
I'll be right there.

Well, we'll take my 'vette.

You drive.

Everyone, hand over your purses,
cell phones, and wallets!

Now!

Oh, cold, cold, cold, cold, cold.

All right, listen up, everyone.

Here's the situation:
we're all gonna die.

Everyone calm down.
Nobody is going to die.

We're NISA agents.

NISA? Oh, boy, this is
gonna be a bloodbath.

Buncha trigger-happy hotheads.

Look, I know what I'm talking about.
I've read a handbook.

Besides, I'm committed to wrapping
this up in time for last call.

Geez, I just wanted to get drunk
for free and now I'm gonna die.

It's okay. I will help you.

I was once in a hostage-taking
with my best friend, Lahoti.

He was shot, but I carried him to safety
where he later died in my arms.

My God, you totally
stole that story, bud.

What are you talking about?

It was his friend, and he
didn't die, he saved his life.

- Isn't that right, Brent?
- It's Burt.

But, yes, that's right.

So you saved your best
friend, Lahoti's, life

- in the middle of the Congolese jungle?
- Maybe I did.

Two guys can't have a
best friend named Lahoti?

Hey, shut up!

The negotiator has arrived.

Oh. Good. They're taking us seriously.

Well, I mean of course they would.

The MFF is meant to be taken seriously.

All that stuff on Wikipedia
is heavily exaggerated.

This will take 10 minutes, tops,
Amber. Are you cool?

All right, buddy, you got
Peter McNeil on the line. Make it count.

My name is Paloma Riviera, head
of the Mexican Freedom Front!

Whoa. I didn't realize I was
speaking to a lady.

Can I talk to your boss, please?

I am the boss.

And the owner of one
hell of a phone voice.

I speak a little Mexican. Picked
it up in Cancun a few years back.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable

negotiating in your native tongue.

Ah, yeah.

[ speaking Spanish ]

[ clears throat ]
On, uh, second thought,

why don't we roll it on back to English?

It's been a while since spring break.

I kept my phone. You distract
Santos while I text Peter.

I'm on it.

Oh, Santos.

I could use a scotch, too.

I love this guy, so carefree.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- There! Oh. Me.

Give me that phone! Paloma.

No, no, wait. Wait, Santos.

Um, this is my daughter, Alex.

I know she shouldn't have the phone,

but, uh, her mother,
my wife, is very unwell.

Oh.

Yeah, she had a nervous
breakdown while, um...

- Scrapbooking.
- Sure.

And, uh, we were supposed
to be home by now. So...

So I was calling just to let
her know that we're okay.

She worries and if we're
even a minute late,

out come the pinking shears and then
decorative corners on everything.

I'm not supposed to do this,
but because it's you,

and because my mother is also a
patron of the scrapbooking arts,

I will let your daughter
make the phone call.

But I must to be here.

Thank you.

[ ringing ]

Hello? Alex?

Mom. Just wanted to let you
know that Dad and I are fine.

Mom? Oh, got ya.

What's the sitch?
How many terrorists inside?

Oh, I think we'll be
home by about 5 a. m.

Nah, we'll have you
out way before then.

Now, I need to know how
many terrorists are inside.

- This is very important.
- I understand.

If you get hungry,
there are 5 containers

of cottage cheese in the fridge.

Oh. Using code. Very clever.
So fridge, huh?

Okay, guys. We got five
terrorists by the fridge.

- How many not by the fridge?
- Forget about the fridge!

Be sure to water the plants, though.

One by the bar, two by the pillar,

the other two near
the men's washroom.

Yeah, I'm not following ya.

Remember to let the
"Only-possible-way-in- is-the-roof"

out before you go to bed.

That's the name of our dog.

You let her use a phone?

Did you learn nothing from
the last failed hostage taking?

I've got a real situation here.

I'm not gonna let 100 pounds
of lobster go to waste.

Okay, here's the plan.

On the count of three,
I'm gonna punch this guy.

Then Carl's gonna to punch that guy.

And Todd is gonna punch this guy.

Minister, you punch all the other guys

and then we're done.

So who gets punched?

All right, Paloma.

I managed to rustle up somebody
who speaks your nutty language.

Say hello to Jorge,

one of NISA's finest janitors.

All right, Jorge,
just like we practised.

I strongly support with
what you're doing.

Long live the Mexican Freedom Front!

[ yells in Spanish ]

All right, Jorge,
get the hell outta here!

Scratch that, Paloma.
On to plan B.

You guys must be getting
pretty hungry in there.

Who's up for some Taco Mart? Huh?

He wants to buy us fast food.

What kind of a moron is this guy?

All right, this thing's going
south. We need a plan.

I say we ambush the terrorists
and die in a blaze of glory.

I'd prefer something that
didn't get blood on my dress.

JoJo, have you lifted
anything we can use?

Not much. Dental floss,

an asthma puffer.

Okay.
Here's how this is gonna go down.

There are five terrorists.

JoJo, you create a distraction.

Thanks for last night.
Best sex in my life.

What?

N'udu will use the asthma puffer
to blind Terrorist 1 and disarm him,

allowing me to get in place
behind Terrorist 2

and strangle him with
this mint dental floss.

Claude will use the fistful
of satay skewers

he's been collecting
for the past hour

and drive them into the
shoulder blades of Terrorist 3,

hitting a cluster of nerves
that'll take him down hard,

giving JoJo a chance to bash
Santos over the head

with a serving tray.
Then pivot and...

Then Burt grabs a machine gun

and unleashes hot death
on the evildoers.

They'll be screaming for mercy,
but he shows them none.

Tonight he's judge, jury,
and executioner, all in one.

Uh, no, Burt.

Well, I thought the plan
was a light on Burt.

- So we're ready?
- Best party ever. I'm on it.

And punch!

Close your fists, Carl.
That's a slap.

Stop it!
You're gonna get us all...

[ gunshot ]
[ gasps and screams ]

N'udu!

You okay?

Fine.

It's just a chest wound,
a sucking chest wound.

It's not that bad.

I can't look.

Okay, Paloma, what's going on
in there? I heard shots.

One of the hostages
was trying to be a hero.

I tell you what. Release
the injured hostage

and we'll work this out,
face-to-face.

Two attractive people on
the wrong side of a crisis

who obviously have a connection.

No. You will meet our demands
and release my lover,

Roberto Gutierrez, and
the others from jail!

Whoa! Okay. Lover?
New information.

Courageous moves out there, buddy.

But you gotta leave it to the pros.

We are the pros.
We had a plan.

- A much, much better plan.
- Than punching?

Look, people die at the Minister
of Justice's parties, not mine.

So let's save this man
before the oysters turn.

This guy can save
his life, hey?

- Right, Brent?
- What?

Like you saved your best
friend, Lahoti's, life.

How do you remember
Lahoti's name and not mine?

Quick! Get your hands
in there and start diggin'.

Ah, okay. First I'll need
hand sanitizer.

Burt, you are not digging
anything out of anyone.

Thank you!

Russ has removed more than
a few lures in his day.

- Ah, got my pliers right here, boss.
- No.

- JoJo, can you do anything?
- Well, I'm not a doctor, but, yes.

Okay, P, a new strategy.

I mean, uh,
[ clears throat ]

why don't we talk about this
closer to the window?

You and your guys just
move on over to the window.

If you could open the curtains,
that would be a big help.

Do you think I am stupid?

What? No, not at all. I think
you're very intelligent.

I mean obviously smarter
than I am. Just look at me.

Just, you know, move over
to the window and look at me.

You're trying my patience.

Damn.

There we go.

[ clink ]

There's another one.

Zimbabwe, Christmas party,
2001. It was wild.

[ clink ]

Whoa.

One more.

Boxing Day. Same year.,

How are you even alive?

I admit, I often experience chest pains.

[ clink ]

Oh. Oh, here we go.
Thanks, buddy.

- Hey, I gave you a 50.
- The food was $65.

Well, yeah, I thought
we were splitting it.

Aw, never mind.
I'll catch ya later.

All right, Paloma, what do
you say we all just, uh,

take a little break, huh?

You all come out for
some piping hot tacos.

A little fiesta, huh?

First Mexican out the door,
put a bullet in his brain.

Your thumb is still on the walkie.

Uh, Paloma, disregard.

Santos, my friend.

What can I get you?
Another scotch?

Oh, no, no. I...
uh, well, okay.

[ clink ]

PALOMA: Hey, you!

Stop enjoying the party!

This is supposed to be a
very scary time for you.

- Maybe I can help.
- We don't need your help.

You have the wrong minister,
a wounded man,

you're out of mini burgers.

- This hostage taking is a fiasco.
- See? He gets it.

Claude, my father, is right.

You're not gonna get
what you're looking for.

The best you can do is escape
with your dignity intact.

I get my night off, everybody wins.

We are in too deep.
Death is the only escape.

[ groans ]

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but what if we switch clothes?

You trade with some of us,

then release a bunch of hostages,
including yourselves,

then disappear...

into the crowd?

I wish Alex had given us
the heads up about this.

- I'm not wearing underwear.
- I know.

Okay, people, listen up.

Thanks to Claude and his daughter,

you're all free to go.

[ applause and cheering ]

PETER: Paloma, you still there?

All right, Paloma,
I'm at the end of my rope.

We've been at this all night.

My date with Amber's gone south

and I'm getting nothing from you
since you pulled the boyfriend card.

Totally unprofessional,
by the way.

So now I want you to
release all the hostages

including my five NISA agents.

Hold it!

Sacrifice de concombre!

It's all right.
They don't know who we are.

What are you talking about?

Don't play dumb.
You know who they are.

The blonde, the Asian, the
African dandy, and the old guy.

Dandy?
You wear a pink shirt one time.

Ah, I'm also an agent.

He didn't mention me, but I'm
with the team. Pretty important.

So...

it looks like we finally have
some bargaining chips.

Hoo.

Okay, my buzz is officially gone.

So, we have your NISA agents.

If you want to see them alive,

release our five brothers

along with my lover,
Roberto Gutierrez.

Now, now, Paloma.

Yes, we are NISA agents,
but we're not very good.

No one cares if we live or die.

We're of absolutely no value.

Actually, I'm kind of awesome.

We'll see about that.

Eh, McNeilez, would you say
that your agents are valuable?

Of course they're valuable!
Next to the Minister of Justice,

those guys are the highest
assets you could have.

Thank you.

Oh, crap.
First mistake of the night.

We are missing someone.

We have the blonde,
the Asian, the dandy...

Don't forget the redhead.

Where's the old guy?

I got him.

What?

Hey, let Carl go.

I'm the old man you're looking for.

Claude, my friend, you're so noble.

But leave now.

You don't want to see this,

especially the death of
your own spy daughter.

Dammit it, Santos.
I'm an agent.

- No.
- Yeah.

I was going to stab you with these.

You lied to me about
your scrapbooking wife?

Yes. I'm sorry.

The liar dies first.

Hey, hey.
You want to kill a liar?

There's a big one over here.

We will kill you all eventually.

But nobody makes Santos cry.

Okay! I've had it!

I've been working for the
past three weeks, straight,

rescuing diplomats, foiling assassins,

taking down terrorists.

Tonight was supposed to
be a terror-free night.

All I wanted to do was dance.

I bought this great dress,

which no one complimented me on.

Now you're wearing it and you
look better in it than I do!

So shoot me if you want to,
but I'm gonna dance!

[ dance music ]

[
]

Lady, stop dancing, please.

Nope.

Now's the time to strike.
Who's got the puffer?

- I think I was on dental floss.
- No, that was Alex.

I could do dental floss. I never
really had anything in the plan.

Santos took my skewers.

- Screw it! Just start punching!
- Great plan.

Go!

Santos!
Nothing personal.

[
]

[ gunshot, music stops ]

Enough dancing and punching!

You may want to dance,

but I want a river of blood!

Hold on a second, Mamacita!

Oh, seriously.
This is gonna take a minute.

Ah, easy does it, guys.

Marlin wire.

Who made fun of me for
packing this in my trunk?

Okay, I guess I don't need
to go all the way down.

But Paloma does.

- Hah!
- Ooo!

Hah!

O- kay, starting to spin.

Shouldn't we get you to a hospital?

So I'm lying there, four bullets
recently removed from my chest.

But does that stop me? No.

I get up and just start punching.

I like punching.
It's cool, hey?

Seriously, a hospital.

Don't you have somewhere to be, Brent?

Who's up for more grilled dolphin?

Oh, I couldn't possibly.
I'm stuffed.

- I can put it on a tiny little bun.
- Sold.

Here's your fishing licence,
good anywhere in Canada.

You can even club a seal if you want.

Cool. I guess it's only fair
I give you back this, then,

your wallet, dental floss,
and some guy's puffer.

That would be Tim's.

Wow, you're looking
really great tonight.

Sshh. I'm dancing.

That's cool.
I'm kinda with Amber.

Okay, second mistake of the night.

Jorge, get the hell outta here!

Subtitle by: Kiasuseven

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