Original subtitles

Oh, this is so dirty.

-Looks like it's gonna be a nice day, Mr. Harris.

I have my doubts.

-Hmm.

-Retraction?

Retraction?

Retraction?!

-I always said he's go to a state school.

-What actually your safety school?

-I didn't apply to any other schools.

Dad said Harrises don't need safety schools.

-What about this?

SCSU.

-What is this?

The Biting Crabs?

Are you kidding me?

-Oh, and it says here it's ranked as one of the top 10

party schools in America.

-I'm not going there, Mom.

-You're going to college!

-Service blows.

-It's the desert, dude.

-You've already called her, texted her, tweeted her, and

pic'd her, like, 200 times.

-Yeah, well, you're the one reading that.

-Uh, it's called recon.

Put down the phone and peep it.

Oh, my god.

-Oh, my god.

Take if off, yeah.

-Guys, I can't be looking at this.

-Hey, guys.

Lights out.

Big day manana.

I got some super tight stuff planned.

Really get to know each other, break down barriers.

Awesome.

You'll wanna be fresh.

-Our floor is gonna blow.

-I said turn off the lights.

Get the frickin' lights off.

Just t-- turn the lights off, OK?

-Is that a cow?

-Are you sure it was a moo and not a howl?

-I heard cow.

-It best be, because there is at a BF diff, OK, between cows

and wolves.

-Yeah, right there.

Right there.

-There she is.

-Dude, that cow's scrawny as shit.

-All right, belts.

-Yo, Tyler, why are we doing this to this cow?

-Take it back to camp and scare the girls.

The girls' guide says the first nights away from home

Trust me, they'll be sleeping in our tents in no time.

Here.

I don't know what to do with this.

-I thought you were from Wyoming.

-No.

-Oh.

-Give me that.

My grandpa owns a Kobe

beef ranch.

Check it out.

-Konnichiwa.

-In Oregon, dude.

Not all my people fit

into a bento box.

-Sorry.

Whatever, dude.

Look, any culture that's got obese men wrestling in diapers

is bound to catch some shit.

-I heard they feed Kobe cows beer.

-Happy endings?

-Woo!

-Look at the size of that.

Yeah!

Woo!

-Hey, guys.

Cow tipping, it's cool.

But you know, you might want to wait till we get to campus

before you start getting written up.

I am very disappointed in you, Tyler and Yuji.

-Hey, ch-- hey, chickens.

-Your lawyer is here.

-Who you callin' a lawyer?

-Thank god.

Dean, this is nuts.

-Grand theft bovine.

-Hey, get me out of here.

-Relax.

Let's see what our options are.

-Wh--

what the fuck, Dean?

-I'm negotiating.

Cream-filled--?

-Butt sex?

-Shh, shh.

- Dean.

-It's gonna be nice.

You'll have your own room.

You'll be eating healthy.

-Wh--

what?

-Shit, the fine was $98.52.

Where am I gonna find $98.52?

-In your room.

Yea-o.

Really?

-That's not-- that's not mine, man.

-I'll be back for you in 21 days.

-I am a senior, building a resume.

I'm the R-fucking-A, Dean.

If I get kicked out, I'll be--

I'm beyond--

I'm beyond fucked.

Gonna get kicked out.

-I'll cover the kids for you.

I'll cover your classes.

You cover your ass.

No one's getting fucked.

-Chip, you're my brother, and I love you.

Take care of my boy.

-No, Dean!

No, Dean.

Dean!

-Nothing.

-I heard a helicopter last night.

-OK, seriously, who the hell goes trust-building in a known

drug trafficking zone?

-We have to go back to campus.

-Finally get some service.

-Could you guys just excuse us for a second?

Dude, we're in Camp Puss, alone in the desert with three

habaneros looking to us for protection.

-We better move quick, or else it's gonna be Camp Stinkypuss.

No showers.

-We're all blank slates here.

For all they know, we're captains of the football team.

-Except my Facebook was says I was in band.

-Fuck Facebook.

It's a bazillion-dollar business built on everyone's

insecurity wall.

-Dude, my girlfriend would flip if I've rendered them.

-Maybe it's an act of god you got no service.

Come on.

It's time we make some new walls.

-Did he leave a note?

-Something better.

An opportunity--

to get to know each other, to grow and trust, to forge

unshakable bonds that will sustain us should we ever have

to lean on each other in troubled times, during these

next few years that will likely define

the rest of our lives.

-You wanna build some trust?

Try telling us the truth.

-It was a ghetto bird.

-Cow was a bad idea, dude.

-Eye of the Kobe beef.

-You mean they didn't cover this situation in the Girl's

Guide to College?

-We were gonna stop by last night after lights out to

really introduce ourselves.

-I'm gonna love college.

-Saw your book.

Pretty pathetic.

-Guys, guys.

Let's-- let's not, uh, point fingers.

We're all SCSU students, you know?

Biting Crabs.

-What the fuck?

-Bitchin'.

Dope crab.

-Thank you.

-What do you want?

-I want a life of experiences, not things.

Although the things that I do obtain

should be finely crafted.

And I should so like to make love to this one particular

woman every morning.

Oh, and a--

and a decent soup.

-Huh?

-Who are you?

-I'm your new RA.

-Did you torture him before you murdered him?

-Torture?

Definitely torture.

Murder?

No.

I did save his life once, though.

He was choking on Silly Putty.

I had him in a hammerlock.

-You mean a Heimlich?

-Hammerlock.

Might have been a half-nelson.

-Dude, dude.

-Shhh.

I rammed him up against the banister.

Mmm-bop.

Came launching out.

He claimed he just wanted to feel that snap-crack feeling

that happens when you bite down on Silly

Putty, but I knew.

He had a picture of Hanson scratched out.

-Gross.

-Made 'em all look naked.

-Oh, shit.

-Even the little drummer boy.

-Oh, god.

-Sickness.

He's a good kid, though.

Come on, let's get back to campus for that first night

party and really build some trust.

-Hey, Tyler, what's Hanson?

-Should we?

-Let's go.

Holy crab, we're gonna be so high, dude.

Where did you get this?

- I - have a silkworm.

-Where's my clock?

-Scope the phone.

-No batt.

-What the fuck?

-Who the fuck?

-Holy shit!

-Fucking falcon?

-A falconer flies falcons.

I'm an austringer.

I fly hawks.

You boys have fun last night?

-Don't know.

-You took all our batteries out?

-Learning begins within.

You're setting your own internal clocks.

-I'm probably missing class.

-You're re-prioritizing.

That's good.

-I feel like I'm gonna puke.

-Epicurus vomited three times a day.

-To make room for his gluttony.

-Aw, fuck, dude.

-Mmm.

-New York strip, Ponderosa Steakhouse style.

-Medium-rare.

Drunk-dialing, not good.

Hey.

What is it?

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

You tell them.

-Archimedes and I will be in my room.

Do not come by if you need anything.

-Strap on those beer goggles and blindfolds, freshmen.

Boys and girls, SCSU welcomes you to the 10th

annual Sexual Jeopardy.

All right!

All right, we love this!

-I really don't need to worry about this kind of stuff.

I have a girlfriend.

-Get some condoms, guys.

If my dad had one, I wouldn't be here.

-Are we at the boner?

-Remember to--

-OK, OK, calm down.

- first drink.

Remember, yeah!

-All right, you're-- get on your knees.

We're here to keep you safe.

That means safe

weenies and safe vajajays.

Gotta keep that vajajay locked up.

-Mmm.

-Aw, give it to Mama.

These goggles are supposed to

simulate being drunk.

Your parents are paying a lot of money for this, all right?

I'm a little out of practice.

-Du--

ahh, hey, babe.

I was just thinking about you.

-These things never fit me anyway.

-Hey!

Listen, wasted is for one night, but

STDs are for a lifetime.

-Oh my god, oh my god, you could-- you

could live off this.

It's-- it's-- it's got water.

It's got--

it's got vegetables.

It's got carbohydrates.

Mmm, it's got the taste.

You know?

It's just oozing with that flavor.

It's got that-- that shit.

This is--

-What's up, pup?

One?

I love you, too.

Three?

-I love being four.

To infinity and beyond.

-Uh, yeah.

So you know, I'm just trying to figure out what to rent for

Black Friday tonight.

Curfew?

-Oh, no.

I know, I'll be home by 11:00.

Be on in, like, two seconds.

3, 2, 1.

-All right.

What's up?

How you doing?

-Hey, babe.

-You're wearing that shirt I got you.

Nice.

-Shit, the RA!

Quick, we gotta hide the stuff!

-Dude, what the fuck, man?

Hide what stuff?

Dude.

-I am not calling her.

I'm just collecting texts to see what our options are.

-Yeah.

-I've got the '80s party.

-That's LAB.

-Look, Yuji, you're gonna have to help us out here with some

of these 'brevs.

-LAB, Lame as Balls.

-Oh.

-Hmm.

-Yo, you guys are gonna like this.

Jello shots on the quad.

-Jello shots?

-That's so eighth grade.

-Well.

-Let's ask the Dean.

He'll know.

-Let's do it.

-Yeah, bring the noodles.

-OK.

-Hey, have you guys Googled the Dean?

He's pretty epic.

-Look.

-You'd be surprised at the time you could find if you

live in the moment.

-Dean, uh, we were wondering if you could teach us.

-Train us.

-How to party.

-What makes you think I know how to do that?

-This sand just isn't fine enough for Spanish tile.

Oystered sand is so uninspired.

-Dude, you were famous.

-I mean, there's all these articles from the archives of

the "SCSU Gazette."

-Yeah, we gotta keep you under wraps, man.

-It's pretty freakin' awesome.

-I've since learned it's best not to expose hypocrisy until

you yourself gain humility.

-Nietzsche said, it is my fate to be the first

decent human being.

And then he caught syphilis, went nuts, and threw himself

on the ass end of a horse.

The key is to buzz check.

-Buzz check.

-Pro-partying means holding at brownout levels.

Drink without getting black, so you can savor.

You gotta self-assess without becoming self-conscious.

Hear yourself every so often.

Look for context clues.

For example, if you hear yourself say, hold my beer,

watch this, ease off.

If you hear yourself say, she'll never,

press a little harder.

If you hear someone else say, oh my god, he's gonna do it,

shut it down, shut it down.

Buzz check.

-Ah, the calm-splitting clarity of a decisive moment.

-The way I see it, you got three options.

Curl up, break up, or man up.

I need some Cory time right now.

-Just hang up.

I miss my baby--

-You know what?

At least I get calls.

I'm painting my nails your

favorite color.

Son, it's your dad.

Now listen, we haven't heard from you for two or three

weeks now, and I think it's time to get focused.

There's enough of this, uh, messing around.

You know, I've talked to your mother, and we have been

discussing options for your rehabilitation.

And time is getting very critical.

So you're gonna have to call us back today, please.

There's not even any sexy girls here.

you're the cutest thing that God has ever made.

-Uh-huh.

Yeah, I--

So I think it's totally unfair that

-You didn't have to do that, Yuj.

-It never ends, anyway.

I know this is your line, but we need to talk, just not now,

not like this.

Are you seriously hanging up on me?

No one's hanging up on me.

Great.

Now what?

-Oh, god.

-When you make a stand, don't doubt.

Own it.

As for your choices this evening, gentlemen, I'd go

jello shot.

-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!

-I'm in.

All right, let's go.

-3, 2, 1, jello!

-Step up.

Step it up, man.

Go.

-Yeah.

-5, 4, 3, 2, 1, jello!

-You're next, sumo boy.

-Let's do it.

-Definite style points.

-Are you OK?

-This is awesome!

Woo!

-3, 2, 1, jello!

-This party blows.

Come on!

-This stuff's legit.

-Easy.

That stuff's flammable.

-You wanna try some?

I never touch the mass-produced stuff anymore.

Artisanal absinthe.

I have a stew.

Savor it with friends, like the wine.

Promise me you'll drink that last tonight.

-There's not much to share.

-Quality over quantity.

Everything in moderation, especially moderation.

-3, 2, 1.

-And remember, buzz check.

-3, 2, 1, jello!

-You, impostor!

-Yes, yes!

-I'm an Asian god!

-He's Asian.

You are an asshole.

-Play it, Sam.

What's the soup today?

-Until recently, I spent most of my time oscillating between

wondering if and wishing you were dead.

-Thanks for the heads up about Chip.

-Surprised you even got the letter.

Somewhere in Germany isn't much of a forwarding address.

-It's nice you cared enough about someone to come back.

-You know I'm sorry.

-I don't know that.

-I'm sorry.

How are the bosses treating you?

-Hey, come on, order up.

Sammy, let's feed some hungry people.

-Like family.

-Told you I'd be back.

-Who knew it would take four years.

-Lost track of time.

-You lost track of me, too.

-I bet I can guess what your track was.

Uh, you got your JD MBA while interning

full-time on Wall Street.

No, wait, you bagged Wall Street.

You interned on Madison Avenue, more creative.

But you felt like you were selling your soul.

For what?

I don't know, ketchup?

But there was no touch.

You felt so disembodied.

So you came back, to serve people ketchup.

-Obviously, they have Facebook in Germany.

-What's Facebook?

-And it was jams, not ketchup.

I was on a Smucker's account.

-It was just a guess.

-And what exactly did you over achieve while doing your

post-graduate bake?

-I totally unplugged.

My only media was ancient manuscripts,

super-illuminating.

Really got me thinking.

-About what?

-Finding true happiness.

-And how's that going for you?

-Closest I've been in years.

- That party was so.

-Come on.

-You used to sing this to me and it would get stuck in my

head for days and make me crazy.

It was our song.

-Doesn't that tell you something, that our song was a

form of torture?

-Are you Asian or Japanese?

-Both?

-You can go ahead and slam us with six breakfast specials.

-Full slam.

-Did you seriously just order for us?

-Yeah, my dad usually orders for the table.

-Control freak.

-No, I mean, he's cool.

He's a cool guy.

You know, he's just, um, not really cool

with me being here.

I actually got accepted to Caltech.

But, uh, when I got the un-in letter, I guess my

dad wasn't so happy.

-Un-in letter?

-Yeah, he just kept rocking in his chair saying--

-Retraction, retraction.

-Guys, to one epic semester.

And to the Dean for supplying the green.

-Dean gave you that?

-You know the Dean?

-To the Dean!

-I can't believe you.

Serving alcohol to minors is a crime, and a sin.

Your kids are out there toasting

you, and they're wasted.

Oh yeah, mmm.

-Have they swallowed yet?

Oh yeah, nice.

-Agh.

-We need to get them out of that booth.

They stay here so we can keep them safe.

Come on, ladies.

-Take it, Layne.

-I cooked them up a special Black Friday cocktail.

Ipecacuanha root.

-Ipeca what?

-Syrup of Ipecac.

-Ooh, I don't know about you guys, but I feel good.

So you think you better move that mountain.

Yeah, you're gonna break down that wall.

Let me tell you straightaway from the fountain, another job

and your dream was real far.

You're never gonna chase that dream

staring down that bottle.

You're never gonna make that scheme when you

can't find the throttle.

So you think you're gonna shake that money tree?

Good job, big house, nice car.

But first you gotta knock that thirst down.

Let me pour your final round.

It's just a little home brew somebody might have concocted.

It's been a long time, but I have things to do.

But now my crab's brought me back to you.

I've got the elixir, a libation fixer.

Take that shot and feel the devil mixer.

Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.

Ipecac, ipecac.

Ipecac, ipecac swag Jack.

Ipecac, tastes like liquid gold, yeah.

Gold.

What comes down must come up!

-Check, please.

-Got it.

-I have to wiz like a monkey.

Veronica.

-No, don't you even dream about Skyping her.

No, no.

No, no, no.

-No, give me the-- give me the computer.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Give it back.

Give it back, please.

-Oh, dude.

Wake up.

It's bed time.

-Who leaves the lid down anyway?

We're all dudes here.

-Hey, babe.

-Oh yeah, that's my dragon.

-Is that his leg?

Oh yeah, here we go.

-Hey.

Hey, guys, I don't know.

-A really big guy.

Ew, ew.

Oh my god.

Aw, Cory, come on.

You're peeing on the screen, oh my god, oh my god.

-All done.

-Oh.

-Oh, I wazzed last night.

-You look like amber bock.

-Oh, supposed to look like pale ale.

-Wow.

-Mmm, it's like some Heidi Klum in this bitch.

-I'm pretty sure I did, like, 10 beer bongs last night.

-Where did it go?

-We have to take these to the beach.

-Oh, god.

-Hey, you guys going to the beach?

-We texted you.

-I even called.

-We're off the grid now.

-Tossed our phones in the ocean.

-That's really bad, because there's, like, this little

nugget inside that changes colors or

something if it gets wet.

-They totally won't replace that.

- I - have a couple backup phones

you guys can use until your plan lets you get a new one.

-They totally won't replace that.

-I don't think they want phones.

-Hanna, that's you.

-Thanks for ignoring.

-Better see you at the beach.

-Hey.

The triumph of nature.

-Oh.

-Holy sh--

-Oh, smoked.

-Hey, guys, woo-gee-woo.

-You mean woo-gee-wow.

-Come down to the bonfire tonight.

-You're not gonna disappoint us again, are you?

I'll text you the info.

-They're texting us right now.

-How the hell do we even know those girls?

-Hey, what the fuck are we supposed

to do with our thumbs?

Whoa.

-Kendama, Japanese juggling, help me quite smoking.

-I don't picture you with a cigarette.

-Tobacco?

Never touch the stuff.

You'll find, when you first unplug--

-It's disorienting.

-It's reorienting.

You achieve balance, work and life, exercise and rest,

alcohol and caffeine, women and--

-And?

-Hell if I know.

-That Sam that runs the diner, is she, like, a risk?

Like, to blow your cover?

-She's secure.

-All right, wazzage, BRBs.

-Advanced and brave, nice.

-He's not going to take a leak.

He's gonna go Skype the biatch.

-The mind sharpens off the grid.

Whoa.

-You're beginning to see through to true motivations.

What is--

oh, my god!

Are you serious?

What is this?

Oh, my gosh.

Agh.

Oh, fuck, I just touched my head.

She's going fucking nuts right now.

-Dude, blame it on us, man.

I made you toss your phone, and Yuji pissed your comp.

Sorry, mate.

-No, it's not on you two.

I told her it'd have to be face to face.

When should we start?

Like, 4 o'clock?

-I already had my first drink.

-Just a normal day.

-Hey.

We thought you guys weren't coming.

-We sorta lost track of time.

-Yeah, no clocks, no phones, no computers.

-Are you guys Amish or something?

-You going to the bonfire of the insanities tonight?

-Wanna join us?

- What about the three?

-What?

-There's, uh, these other girls that, uh, invited us to

their party later.

Forget them.

Well swing by and get you.

Wear something memorable.

-See ya.

-Peace.

That was so SMAB.

-I thought you were just gonna hang, and then you just--

-I looked at those three bikinis and I thought, even

girls this hot don't want to go to a party alone.

I figured, just leave.

All we could was screw this up.

-Nair balls.

-So do this.

-Do this, do this.

-Wait.

-Nope, do this.

-Those guys are, like, so average.

-Oh, and they act like they're some epic people.

-I think it's kinda cute.

-Hello?

Of course it's cute.

They're hot because they're nice and different and

interesting and don't care.

-So unfair.

Totally doesn't matter what you look like when

you act like that.

-Hey.

-Hello.

-Oh.

Oh.

-Yeah.

-For sure.

Hey.

-Hey.

How are you ladies doing tonight?

-Hey.

-Good.

-Oh, fresh trips.

Sards.

-Yeah, seriously.

Freshman triples, they're crowded like sardines.

-Oh.

It's Japanese.

"Don't get funky covers."

-It's from our RA.

She's really gross.

-Well, ours is hip.

Hip as in epic.

Cheers.

Let's do some of this.

Footprints in the sand, carbon footprints in the sand.

Mother Nature loves the Earth, turtle doves

and the baby's birth.

But the politicians and those CEOs, they're destroying the

Earth and it ain't cool, yo.

-May I?

Oy, mi amor.

My face is melting.

I just came to.

-No way.

-I think was the Dean, bro.

-Who's the Dean?

-Who's the Dean?

OK, the Dean defines SCSU.

-Unofficial mascot.

should make it official.

Biting crabs, lame.

-That's fair.

-So legend holds that the Dean exposed the administration in

some sort of scandal.

So he wrote an all-new curriculum for future

students, which he titled, "On Rigorous Intellectual

Formation Inspiring

Collegiate Ethics." -ORIFICE.

He told them to shove it up their asses.

Epic!

No one's ever seen a copy since.

-They say he went off to Europe an created an entire

philosophy of education, captured in the pages of his

magnum opus.

-"The Magnum Dopus."

-They say the "Dopus" has such heavy shit in it that if you

read it, you're changed forever.

And you'll never graduate, because the "Dopus" makes you

want to just keep learning.

-But you'll drop out, because you can't stand

being lectured to.

-Radical shit, the "Dopus."

Totally.

-Is it online?

-Not a chance.

-Only one copy, handwritten, in Germany.

-That's where he wrote most of it.

So I have this cousin who was a foreign exchange student,

went and lived with this family who knew a guy that

worked as a translator, who met a guy that helped the Dean

when he first got there, who said the Dean was, like,

pretty cool, man.

-Ah.

Do you think that was him?

-No.

The Dean's so far beyond this place, man.

-Yeah, yeah.

Totally.

-You guys are like puppies.

Cute little puppies.

-We could be dogs.

Hey.

So I'm having this thing--

-We can't hang with you.

-It's-- uh, it's cool.

I mean, it'll be mellow.

Like, we won't hang with you.

-You know, there are some videos that you just can't

unsee no matter how hard you try.

-There it blows.

-What blows?

-My life.

You see, there's this video, and a whole bunch of people

have seen it, and it's online.

So got it!

I got it!

- Oh!

- Oh.

-Oh.

Oh.

Are you OK?

-Sorry, bro.

Do you want some cold kelp?

-No.

-Ow.

Oh, dude, you're Fart Loader.

-Oh.

Oh, there they are.

Oh my god.

God, I had her right there on the cusp.

I'm pretty sure she hasn't even seen the video yet.

-She will.

-I wanted to own it, you know?

Tell her myself.

-You still can, man.

-Hey, it's Fart Loader.

No, no, no, no.

Get over here.

Hey, next game.

It's Fart Loader.

Dude, if we win, you've gotta fart-load live.

-And if we win?

-Name your price, Ray Charles.

-You guys shut up.

-And who the fuck--

-I'm his RA.

-Well, perfect.

I'll kick your ass, and then you'll get

written up for underage.

-Nobody's getting written up.

But I would like to point out a few things.

Buying an identity from brand-affinity is the lamest

form of self-expression.

iTelephones, iTablets, iMusic, aye, aye, aye, I can't believe

how selfish you are.

When was the last time you bought something for you, for

our, for we?

-I bought Wii Sports.

-By the way, Ray Charles was my godfather.

-Game on.

Agh.

Oh, you got me mad.

All right, all right, I'm getting loose.

Flip cup, flip cup, I'm a flip cup guy.

I was a flip cup guy in high school.

-I play by faith, not by sight.

Game on.

-Ha, ha.

That's right.

Suck it!

Money.

You got this, you got this, you got this.

Come on.

Oh!

-I'm serious, I'm still thirsty.

I'm parched, man.

-Timing is everything.

Epic pong shots, man.

-Yuj, you're closest.

-To what?

-The door, douche.

-Fuck off.

-Narb, narb!

-Fuck the fuck off!

-You win.

You're the only one pissed off enough to get the door.

-Oh, I'm taking this to the showers.

- Oh, these boxers are my balls.

-Babe?

What's up?

-We need to talk.

-About what?

-I don't even know what to say.

-That's Skype guy.

-Oh, god, I can't wait to masturbate.

-It wasn't Cory.

-Are you sure?

-Pretty sure.

-Pull down your pants.

-What are you-- what?

-If you love me, you'll prove it.

Pull down your pants.

-Nope.

-Definitely not.

-Ooh, forgot my shower slips.

-Gross.

-Oh, Yuji.

-Go Bears.

-Dude, put some pants on.

-Ew.

Fart Loader?

-Ugh, sick.

-I can't even believe you're living with the Fart Loader.

10 million dislikes?

Hello?

Kill yourself.

-I got us a new phone.

-You gonna take him back?

-I'll just have to check my status and see.

-Mmm.

That's good.

-Wait.

But I really have to pee.

-I have a better idea.

It's time for some social not-working.

-I told you it wasn't gonna work.

-Hold on, hold on.

Shit.

Yuji, do your thing.

-Oh, you got it.

-Oh, gosh.

OK.

-I thought you had to pee.

-I got stage fright.

Think of lemonade or something.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, come on, come on.

-Ooh yeah, that's good.

-I got not enough stream.

-Come on, come on.

-I think someone's coming.

-Come on.

-Oh, yeah!

-Oh, dude, dude.

-Yeah!

Ah!

-Woo!

Hoo-hoo!

-There we go.

-No way.

-Oh, what the fuck?

-Uh--

-Sorry.

Yeah.

-You know what all this shiz is?

-Dude, he got into Caltech.

-Oh, where is it?

-I'm not putting my prints on anything.

-Oh, I probably just left my DNA in the wazz.

There may be some sloughed epithelial cells, but not

enough to get a clean sample.

-Unless you dropped a pube.

-Uh, excuse me?

I'm an American.

I fly bald eagle.

-Yeah, well you know, when I fly the bullshit flag, I'm

pretty sure wazzing and entering is a crime in

-Relax, I'm putting everyone back online the second I can

Besides, the whole campus goes dark, Veronica can't bitch.

-Pretty sure Veronica could bitch her way out of a black

-Why are you even with her?

-I don't know, man.

It started out cool, and then it just sort of was.

And then, you know, next thing you know, I'm getting fitted

for a tux to prom in a tux that she picked.

And I hadn't even asked her yet.

Do you know what?

Give me that cable.

Let's do this.

-Yeah.

Do what?

-Kill the internet.

-You're gonna kill the internet.

-I'm betting the campus IT guys haven't updated the

router firmware since 1998.

So they'll never even know that I just routed outgoing

traffic right back home to mama.

It's like hacking candy from a baby.

Now the hard part.

-The phones?

When you place a cell call, it goes from your handset to the

cell tower, down a wire, to this manager right here.

Then your call's converted to Voice-over-IP and dispatched

down trunk lines that go out to multiple SIP providers.

So all I have to do is log in and declare one really big

-That's what I would do.

Wait, what's that exception?

-Look, all you need to know is all the phone calls are gonna

be forwarded to Cory's phone.

-Wha-- what?

Why my phone?

-That's not even your phone.

Veronica gave it to you.

-Oh, I know we should have just peed on it.

-Trust me, this is better.

I guess it's already working.

Oh.

Oh, no.

-We should leave.

-Which way's the exit?

-It was this way.

Come on.

-Approaching southwest corner of the technology building.

Hmm?

Huh.

Saki?

-Traveling light?

-You know I'm not going.

-I don't know that.

-And yet somehow I always know you're not staying.

Nice bindle.

-Thank you.

It's a big, beautiful world, Sam.

Come with me.

Let me show it to ya.

-It all sounds so good.

It always sounds so good.

They're just sounds, Dean.

They're not even words anymore.

What's the word count on your magnum opus these days?

-269,185.

-When's my birthday?

I have two more words for you.

The end.

-I only know that because it just so happens to be two more

than the "Odyssey" and "The Iliad" combined, which is kind

of a big deal for me.

Doesn't that ever happen to you?

When you know it, when it-- when it's right there, it's--

you just can't--

-February 13.

Good morning, internet.

Good morning, Facebook.

Good morning, Instagram.

What the--

Um, do you guys know if the

internet is, like, not working?

Nothing is working.

It's BS.

Hi, you've reached Cory's phone.

Leave a message and I will call you back.

Cory sounds like a little bitch!

No!

No!

It just says "connecting."

It keeps saying "connecting."

You've reached Cory's phone.

Leave a message and I--

-Oh, man, it doesn't matter what number I call.

I get some bitch named Cory.

-How am I supposed to write a term paper without Wikipedia?

-Yeah, I don't fucking know, man.

-Do you know where the internet is?

-I will suck your dick for some internet if you know

-Oh my god, listen to this shit!

Leave a message and I

will call you back.

Oh, man, you-- you bitch, how about you show your fucking

face so we can all kill you.

Ah!

You dicks are our only hope.

-Hey, um, i-- is Hanna here?

-She went to class.

You know you chipper her tooth, right?

-And I suppose you have no idea what happened to the

internet, Mr. Caltech.

-OK, well, if-- if you guys-- if you guys see her, will you

tell her I'm looking for her, please?

-Mmm.

-No.

Oh my god, my wall-- my birthday

wall is empty.

-Fucking walls, man.

Fucking walls.

-When you find yourself running away, like the hunter

from the angry buffalo, slow down like the patient tortoise

and begin to walk toward--

-Towards what?

-Just toward.

-You know what?

Screw your Socratic questions and smoked-out parables, OK?

I'm gonna go figure out how to get

unfucked in the real world.

And I thought you quit smoking.

is

one of nature's sounds.

-You know, Mr. Caltech, just because we're not as smart as

you doesn't mean we're stupid.

How did you manage to shut down the internet for the

entire school?

And how are all of everyone's calls being forwarded to Cory?

-It was simply, really, in a kind of

ridiculously complex way.

-Well, you better go fix it.

I don't want to have to be visiting you in jail.

-You'd visit me in jail?

-I kissed you, didn't I?

-I wanted to tell you that there's this viral video of

me, and taken out of context, can be completely disturbing.

But some people call me--

-Fart Loader?

I know.

I'm Cat Licker.

Now, when the cat presents itself, lick the--

140 million views, not counting from you.

-Y-- you're Cat Licker?

I love that.

And you know what?

No, no, you're not Cat Licker.

That's not who you are.

I gotta get back to campus and fix this.

-They can wait an hour, two.

-OK.

-Don't you ever let the battery go dead!

-Who the fuck is that?

-What the fuck are you doing here?

-What the hell are you wearing?

-This isn't high school.

This is Berkeley.

Things are more advanced.

-Yo, are you OK?

-He's fine.

-I can't believe that you would just show up here.

I swear, Cory, sometimes you are completely stupid.

-Make that your background.

-Don't you dare walk away.

Your Skype masturbation privileges are so over!

-Oh, check the voicemail, by the way.

You have 300,000 new messages.

-We want internet, we want internet, we want internet,

we want internet, we want internet, we want internet,

we want internet, we want internet, we want internet,

we want internet, we want internet.

-When Larry Page and Sergey Brin created their first

search engine, the one that would later become Google, do

you know what they called it?

BackRub.

Do you know why?

Because they were in college.

They wanted to be rubbed.

They wanted to be touched.

-I wanna be touched.

-We all wanna be touched, literally, figuratively,

spiritually, physically.

Just maybe college is a time for a little more backrub and

a little less Facebook in your world view.

Maybe having a smartphone doesn't make you smart.

Maybe the best it can do is inform you.

You are in charge of becoming well-formed.

Do you know why we evolved an opposable thumb?

So we could text.

-So we could give backrubs?

-So we could grasp the party cup of life and satiate our

thirst for the true and the beautiful, the real.

Lift up your thumbs.

Let us give thanks.

Blessed are the taste-makers, for they set

the tone of the world.

Blessed are the C students, for a life in balance is

anything but average.

-Chancellor Norden, we have assets in position.

Just say the word and we'll take him down.

-Blessed are the curious, for theirs

is the path of discovery.

-Take him down.

- OK, easy.

For god's sakes, this is not the Pentagon.

--for a dropped call is a chance to reflect.

Blessed are the over-diploma'd baristas, for knowledge has

its own rewards.

-Are you even listening to what he's saying?

-No, sir.

I have this in my ear.

-Well, why don't you take it out?

You might learn something.

-Blessed are the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker,

for they are not lawyers.

Reach out and Sharpie your name on

the red cup of history.

Friends, countrymen, collegians, ask not where the

party is, ask what party you can bring to the world!

-You two better get out of here.

-I'm Tyler Harris.

I killed the internet.

-I'm sorry.

I promise I'll fix it.

Come on.

You can help me.

-He made a mistake, but he was man enough to own it, even

though you know, you know he did you a favor.

Yeah, I mean,

guys, he's not wrong.

-When you get back online, don't ever go all the way off

the grid like I did.

It could cost you the love of your life.

Oh, this is the "Dopus."

-We were up all night reading the "Dopus."

-The whole last part is about you.

-The whole thing is about you.

-Whole thing, except chapter 12 on yodeling.

-That's creepy.

He was telling the whole school.

-Oh my gosh.

-What are you guys doing?

-Face-looking.

-It's like Facebooking.

-But real.

-I'm Catherine, hometown Portland, currently in a

committed relationship.

What's your status?

-In a relationship?

-You guys coming to the buzz check party tonight?

-The "Dopus" says every morning after is the morning

before tonight.

-Wait, you guys read the "Dopus?"

-Everybody has.

-One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

-What's up, buddy?

-And remember, stay focused.

One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

- Total.

-Fixed the internet.

-Yeah?

-Whatever, dude.

Look around.

Overnet, boom.

-Tyler!

Tyler Harris!

-Precisely who I'm looking for.

-Dean?

Dad?

-Son, this hacking thing has gone and caught

some people's attention.

-You're damn right it has.

-The Advanced Secure Surveillance Weaponize

Internet Protocol Enforcement Department?

-That's right.

-ASSWIPED?

-How did we miss that?

-It seems the dean of Caltech caught your little hack and

was very impressed.

You've only missed the first three weeks of the semester,

so they're making a special exception.

You're back in.

You start tomorrow.

-You look at that letter, you'll see that Uncle Sam has

offered you a full ride to Caltech, if you come to work

for him after graduation.

Good job, dude.

That's huge, man.

-Congratulations, Tyler.

-I'm sorry, Dad, I'm just not cu t out to be ASSWIPED.

I'm a Biting Crab now.

-Yeah.

-Son, I want you to understand what an honor and privilege it

is to be an SCSU parent.

And a hug.

Straight A's.

Straight A's.

-Pincers down, pincers down.

Get outta here.

Get outta here.

-Hey, we got a right to be here!

-I don't think so.

Break it up.

The chancellor wants a word with you.

-Dean Slater, it's been a long time.

-I didn't quite make it to eternity.

-On behalf of the regents and faculty of Southern California

State University, I'd like to extend to you the chair of the

newly formed philosophy department, the School of Arts

and Sciences.

We are lifting the ban.

Dean Slater, we've read the "Dopus."

-I got my Ph.D. while I was off the grid.

It's very generous, but there are some bans that

have yet to be lifted.

-Status has been upgraded to probation.

-Interim dean, four-year term.

-Yes!

-Oh, shit.

-He'll need to be medicated.

-Actually, it went right in.

Come on.

Absolutely not.

Dude, don't be gay.

You got it?

Ooh.

Ooh.