Original subtitles

♪

[Thunder crashes]

[Static]

♪

-Alright. How many people in your life

do you know who can talk about movies all day long?

Well, if you're watching this show, quite a few, right?

And of those people, how many of them

identify emotionally with certain movies

or certain directors or certain genres?

Lots, right?

And how many of those will sometimes show off

by spouting trivia about those movies?

Pretty high percentage.

And how many will want to get into debates about those movies?

High number. And how many will decorate their homes

with posters featuring their favorite flicks

or wear T-shirts illustrating their movie passions?

Enough, right?

How many will actually judge other people

by their taste in movies or their knowledge of movies

or their willingness to watch certain movies, you know?

That number is not quite as high,

but it's not zero.

Okay.

If we go back to 1980 and you're doing all those things,

you're probably a psychopath.

-[Laughter] -At least in the movies.

You know, at the very best, you're somebody

who needs psychiatric help because you're

"avoiding real life" and living in imaginary worlds.

Of course, going temporarily insane

because of images you know only from the movie screen

is not a new thing.

Um, the early filmmakers

didn't understand why it was happening

and didn't know what to do about it

because silent films before 1910 didn't name any of the actors,

and most of the top actors didn't mind that

because they were stars of the stage.

That's where they made their living.

And they didn't want to be associated with the films

because they were considered low-class.

But one actress was so popular that thousands of letters would

pour in to Biograph Studios in New York asking for her.

The Biograph Girl, as they called her at the time,

was this fair-skinned, dark-haired Canadian

contract player in her early 20s who made dozens of movies

directed by D.W. Griffith.

And her -- I guess the way she moved on screen

and the way she came across,

she was distinctive enough to make her stand out

from the other silent actresses of the day.

And her mother, who was a shrewd businesswoman

and a former vaudeville star, kept trying to get Biograph

to give her actual onscreen billing,

but Biograph was the largest film company in the world

at the time, and they did what the largest corporation always does.

They said, "No way, Jose Cuervo, lady."

But that was an opening for Carl Laemmle,

the founder of Universal Pictures,

who lured her away from Biograph

by offering exactly what she wanted -- billing --

along with more money, of course.

And the first movie star was born. Florence Lawrence.

Now, even though film is

a highly technological medium

and a highly complicated medium

and a medium that requires cooperation

of all sorts of specialists,

there has never been a crazed public following for directors,

cinematographers, producers, production designers,

editors, or writers.

What drives people crazy is the image on the screen itself,

and that image is created by a committee,

but it ends up being owned by that single actor.

And when the movie is a hit,

the whole movie becomes identified with that star.

So it was in 1910, and so it is today.

And so it was in 1980, when "Fade to Black" came out

as the Hollywood studio system founded by Carl Laemmle

was falling apart after seven decades.

Now, "Fade to Black" is about a guy

who can't separate movies from real life,

and he can't separate actors playing a role from real people.

Um, have you ever had a crush like that?

Have you ever had a crush so great

that you thought the person on the screen

was the person in life?

-[Sighs] Maybe when I was really little.

-You had a crush on a movie star?

-Oh, my God. You know this.

Corey Feldman. God. Shut up, man!

-But, I mean, you told me you were a fan of Corey Feldman,

but it got obsessive?

-I mean, I collected every single picture

I could find of him ever and put it in a scrapbook.

And I collected -- I collected dollar bills

that had a letter of "C" or "F" on them

and also put it in the scrapbook as a tribute.

-Dollar bills? Wait a minute. Dollar bills that have a --

-You know how they have little letters in the corner,

like what bank it's from or something?

If it was a "C" or "F," I'm like...

-Oh, the Federal Reserve.

The circle that has the Federal Reserve Bank?

-Yes. It was a Corey Feldman dollar.

-So if it was a "C" or an "F"... -You know what? Shut up.

Keep going. -If it was a "C" or an "F,"

you would keep that dollar bill

and put it in the Corey Feldman scrapbook?

-Yes. -Okay. Alright.

[Laughter]

That -- -I don't think that's obsessive.

-That is pretty darn obsessive. -Shut up!

-Yes. Alright.

-I was like, I don't know, fifth grade.

Whatever that is. -Fifth grade?

I didn't have a lot of money, so I just, like...

-That's, like, 10 or 11. -Whatever. That sounds right.

So I would rip pages out of, like, fan magazines

like Tiger Beatand stuff because I had no money,

so I guess I was shoplifting Corey Feldman pictures.

-Like, in the drugstore, you would rip the picture --

-I couldn't buy a whole Tiger Beat.Come on.

-Ripped a picture of Corey out of the magazine?

-Yeah. Oh, and also... -So you could paste it...

-My scrapbook had to grow. And also --

Okay. This might be this obsessive part.

I ran up a $5,000 phone bill calling the Corey hotline.

-A $5,000 phone bill on the Corey hotline?

What was the Corey hotline?

-Like 1-900-Corey or something.

They would tell you, like, what kind of food...

-When you were 10 or 11?

-I found out he likes bean burritos from Taco Bell.

[Laughter]

-Was that big trouble? -Oh, yeah. Huge trouble.

-So you were Eric in "Fade to Black"!

-What?! No! -It was you!

-No! I was innocent.

I didn't do anything like Eric. I wasn't bad.

-You're actually friends with Corey Feldman now, aren't you?

-Yeah, but the crush was gone way before I met him.

-Okay. -I'm over it.

-Well, with Eric, the crush never goes away,

as we're about to see, because what we have here

is the sensitive story of Eric Binford,

who spends a lot of time chain smoking in his boxers

while wearing a fedora, watching classic black-and-white movies

and mentally substituting scenes from those movies

for what's going on in his life.

You can't really blame him, though,

because he has no friends, gets yelled at by his boss,

harassed by bullies at work,

and lives with his domineering aunt

who blames him for ruining her life.

Things seem to be looking up

when Eric meets the girl of his dreams,

a Marilyn Monroe look-alike,

only she accidentally stands him up for a date,

and pretty soon he's cosplaying famous movie characters

in order to bump off the people who have done him wrong.

Sure, we've seen it before, but have we seen it with

a swan dive off Grauman's Chinese Theater

while re-enacting a scene from "White Heat"?

I think not.

Let's take a look at those "Drive-In" totals.

We have...

"Drive-In" Academy Award nominations for Eve Brent

as Eric's mean Aunt Stella for saying, "You're a loser!"

Norman Burton as Eric's mean boss, Marty Berger,

for saying "Binford, you're a fuck-up."

Linda Kerridge as Marilyn O'Connor

for doing her best Marilyn Monroe

and for saying, "Drunk again."

And Dennis Christopher as Eric Binford

for cosplaying before cosplaying was a thing,

for doing impressions of Richard Widmark, Bela Lugosi,

Laurence Olivier, and James Cagney...

and for saying, "I finally made it, Ma!

Top of the world!"

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

And I'm still kind of in shock, Darcy.

[Laughs]

About the $5,000 bill for the Corey Feldman hotline.

Wouldn't the -- Wouldn't the phone company notice that

and call your house and report it?

-Okay. If you have to know, I snuck around

and used all kinds of different people's phones,

so it added all up together.

-How many phones did you use?! -Every phone I could find.

Like -- -Like random people?

-Babysitter phones. Friends' phones.

My mom's friend's phone. Anywhere there was a phone.

I had to know the Corey Feldman joke of the day!

-What happened on the Corey Feldman hotline?

-There's jokes. There's anecdotes about their lives.

There's preferences on what kind of food they eat, what kind of cars they drive.

-And Corey Feldman always had new content on his hotline?

-I assume so, because why would I keep calling

if it was the same old one?

-Well, maybe you were listening to the same old content.

-Can you stop talking now? God.

-I assume you were grounded?

-Yes. I was definitely grounded. -For how long?

-Forever. For a long time.

-I'm surprised you're not still grounded.

I mean, you should still be serving that sentence.

-That's fair.

[Laughter]

[Static]

[Thunder crashes]

[Static]

♪

♪

-I've always been your friend. -Sure.

You taught us how to cheat, steal, and kill.

And then you lammed out on us.

Yeah, if it hadn't been for you,

we might have been on the level.

-Sure, we might have been ding-dings on a streetcar.

-There ain't no one here but him.

-I thought so.

Well, you dirty, double-crossing --

-[yelps] -[object thuds]

-Yeesh. Yeesh. -[groans]

-The big ape again, Tuesday at 5:00, old "King Kong."

I've already got that one.

Oh, "Dracula's Daughter," 1:15.

[inhales sharply]

Oh, I can't make that one,

because "The Big Sleep" is on at the same time.

[yawns]

Chandler and Hawks. What a combination that was.

They just don't make these kind of movies anymore.

I got to see it again.

I mean, Bogart in that bookstore.

-What are you squawking about?

You got plenty more coming. -What you gonna do?

-"Reefer Madness" on 52.

I've seen that twice.

I think that's enough of that one.

[Yawns]

That's the one.

"99 River Street" with John Payne.

-I don't want to die.

-I should tape that one.

-Oh, so you don't want to die?

♪

-Ah, Tommy, don't you remember you and Matt,

how you used to be just kids and we were friends?

You won't let him, Matt.

I'll do anything for you from now on.

Ain't you got a heart, Matty boy?

Don't you remember how I used to play to you?

Didn't I always stick up for you?

I ain't got this coming.

Oh, please. Please, Matt.

Matt, don't let him. Don't.

I ain't a bad fella, really.

Ah, Tommy, Tommy, don't.

Ain't you got a heart?

[gunshots]

[indistinct chatter over television]

-[Door hinge squeaks] -Get over there.

I want that dough.

[Wheelchair motor humming]

Cash or his heart.

You can't bring in one, bring in the other.

[Laughs]

[Knock at door] -Eric?

-I'll bring you a boat. -Leave it to me, kid.

Alright. Come on, Matt. Shake a leg.

-Well, look here.

Mr. Smart fell asleep

with his nose buried in the screen again!

That one-eyed monster's gonna wreck his eyes,

much less soften his brain!

You spend all your time daydreaming,

watching those silly movies.

-I didn't ask you for any lip.

I asked you if you had a drink.

-I know, Tom, but... Yeah, I wish --

-There you go with that wishing stuff again!

I wish you was a wishing well

so that I could tie a bucket to you and sink you!

[Upbeat big-band music playing over speakers]

♪

♪

-Good morning.

♪

[Belches]

♪

[Coughing]

-Have you looked at yourself lately?

You look like hell!

♪

♪

Stop making those faces.

Let me tell you something.

If you don't listen to me and start taking care of yourself,

you'll never reach 30.

-[Coughing]

[Sniffles]

-[Sighs] When I took you in

after your sweet mother died giving birth to you,

I had no idea you'd be such a trial!

Your mother was beautiful. She was a great talent.

Hollywood was at her feet.

Important men were begging to marry her.

Then she met your father, that bastard.

That was the end of our dance team.

You know... I was a fine dancer.

The best.

-Yeah, I know, Ma.

You're the greatest dancer ever. Magnificent.

-And you -- you made me leave that party,

you little bellyacher.

If it weren't for you, I'd still have my legs!

-I didn't ask the sitter to call!

I was sick! -Shut up!

-Jesus Christ! I was four years old --

-I said shut up!

You're worthless, just like your father was.

-Yeah, I know!

-[Sighs] -[Door slams]

[Sharp thud]

-I wish you'd eat your breakfast

the way you devour those tapes!

[Tapes clattering]

Brain food is what you need, not escapist trash!

-You know, you talk too much.

"One of these days, you're gonna eat those words, Stella."

-Wipe that smirk off your face.

That grapefruit's a tonic.

It provides vitamin C without the acid.

Listen to me for a change.

Now, where are you going?

Sit back down. Eat your breakfast!

You can't go to work on an empty stomach!

-Have a nice day...

Auntie.

-Why don't you live in the real world with the rest of us?

-No, thanks.

If you're so smart, Stella, tell me

what James Cagney's name was in "White Heat."

-I don't know, and I don't give a damn.

-Arthur Cody Jarrett. That's who.

-Stop filling your head with all that useless trivia!

-Top of the world, Ma!

-I'm not your mother!

It's Aunt Stella, birdbrain!

[Horn honks]

[Indistinct chatter]

-This place...

reminds me of "The Big House," 1930.

Broderick Crawford. Lon Chaney Jr.

[Chuckles] Charles Bronson.

"Man got man in cages without reason."

["American Masquerade" playing over speakers]

-You are late, Eric. -I need reels.

-Eric, Berger wants those spots!

-♪ American masquerade♪

♪ Don't ever think that he's not impressed♪

♪ It is an American masquerade♪

♪

[Telephone rings]

♪

♪ Don't see through your disguise♪

-Sid, what the hell are you talking about?!

Now, look, those ads were delivered yesterday afternoon.

Come on. Cut it out!

Look, my kid delivered 'em at 2:00.

Alright, Sid. Okay.

Just pay your bill, and we'll deliver you another batch.

Hey, look, mistakes happen!

Okay, Sid, that's fine with me.

You schmuck!

Binford, you're a fuck-up!

You didn't deliver to Sid Fine yesterday afternoon!

-Mr. Berger, I told you that the one sheets weren't ready.

The printer was delayed. -Bullshit!

And you're late again, hmm?

Now, look. You deliver this stuff.

And your late time is coming out of your paycheck.

That's if you last the week.

Now, get out of here!

-Mr. Berger, could I have a couple of dollars, please?

-Couple of bucks? What for?

-I have to put some gas in the Vespa.

-What the hell are you talking about?

The Vespa's already gassed up.

-No, it's not, and I lost the petty cash.

-You lost the petty --

I am trying to run a business here.

That's also coming out of your paycheck.

Now, please, get out of my life, will ya?!

[indistinct chatter]

[Groans]

[Gasps]

Oh.

[Pills rattle]

-[Scoffs]

-Here's a list of the, uh, juvenile offenders

you're gonna meet first.

Bunch of real beauties. Should all be locked up.

But the judge handed them over to you.

-Well, by giving them jobs to pay back their debt to society

makes a hell of a lot more sense

than jailing them at the taxpayers' expense.

Wouldn't you say? -Bullshit.

-Captain, they're still waiting for you at roll call.

-I'll prove that to you. -Alright, Rogers.

I'll be right there. -Okay.

-Huh? -I said I'll prove it to you.

-Listen, I'm required to give you some space,

and you got about six months to make this whole thing work.

Now, how do you plan on doing that?

-Well, first of all, by gaining their trust.

-Oh. Well, I like that. I like that.

Gain their confidence, and, uh, we nail them

with the information you got, right?

-No way, Gallagher.

My material's strictly confidential.

-Well, half of it is.

Anne, you want to come in here, please?

You know, Moriarty, for an Irishman,

you've got a real thick skull.

Anne Oshenbull, Dr. Moriarty.

-How do you do? -Oh.

I've heard a lot about you. -Where?

-Never mind. Never mind.

Just show him to his office, will you?

Oh, uh, incidentally, Irish, uh,

we're a little short on parking spaces.

-That's okay, Captain. I ride a bike.

-Oh, Jesus.

Conservation kook on top of everything.

-Are you another cop that doesn't believe in my program?

-I don't know enough about it yet.

-Well, at least you're willing to give me a chance,

which is more than Gallagher.

-Gallagher's alright.

He's just trying to be a tougher cop than his dad was.

-Yeah. What happened to Dad?

-He got shot to death by some doped-up kid in a dark alley.

[Indistinct chatter]

Well, here's your new home.

It used to be the drunk tank.

Not exactly a place to counsel

San Francisco housewives, is it?

-How'd you know about that?

-Oh, I know everything about you, Dr. Moriarty.

It's all in your file.

-Yeah. Anything incriminating?

-No, no.

The FBI finally closed their political file on you.

But your personal file was fascinating.

-Oh, yeah? What did it say?

-Well, let's just say that it was...

definitely interesting enough for me to want to meet you.

Now, here you are, in the flesh.

[Chuckles]

[Siren wailing in distance]

[Hinges squeak]

[Door clatters shut]

-Marilyn, first it was the Scarsdale diet,

and now it's jogging.

You get into every fad.

-[Australian accent] When in Rome.

Besides, I gotta get in shape.

I'll never be a model with these thighs.

-Oh, not that again. -Oh, listen.

I want to be somebody.

I want to get treated with a little respect for once.

-Well, you got a lot of guys.

-Oh, sure, when their girlfriends are out of town.

-Well, at least you have an interesting job.

[Laughs]

-Extremely. Handing out roller skates.

A fate only worse than death.

Everyone back home in Australia

would think I was a big flop or something.

-Oh, look, would you stop worrying about it?

Listen. I've had enough. I'm hungry.

Let's pig out. -[Squeals]

-Oh! -[Laughter]

-Alright. -Bought them in Schenectady.

-Here he is.

Hey, Binford. Settle this, will you?

What was the fat man's name in "The Maltese Falcon"?

-That's easy. -Okay, okay. What is it?

-What'll you give me? -Hey, come on, man.

We ain't got all day. What was it?

-It's Kasper Gutman. -See that?

-Listen. -Yeah, you're lucky.

-I got one for you guys,

only it's gonna cost you money this time.

-Yeah? What's the bit? -"Casablanca."

-Yeah, I know that film backwards and forwards.

I seen it 50 times. -Great.

Only you got to come up with the answer in 48 hours,

or you pay me 20 bucks each.

-Alright. No sweat.

What do we get if we get it right?

-I'll give you $50.

-I think it's a trick.

-No, no, no. Wait, wait.

-Only no fair looking at the, uh, print

or reading the script in the meantime.

-Hey, you know I know that film better than anybody.

You sure this isn't a sucker bet, Binford?

-There's no tricks.

The answer's in the film.

So put up or shut up.

-It's a deal.

It's a lot of dough, but it's a deal.

Alright.

-What was Rick's full name?

-You mean Rick, uh, who owns the Café Americain?

-No. -The Bogart character?

-Yeah. -It's a cinch.

-Wait a minute. I got it on the end of my tongue.

It's, uh -- -[Fingers snap]

-Take your time, Richie.

-Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I know it like I know my own name.

Hey. Forget it, man. Binford is -- He's sick in the head.

He's, like, retarded or something.

We made a bet, right? -Yeah, yeah.

-Forget it. A bet's a bet. He's gonna pay us.

-He's certainly a low-class production.

-Man, he's a space case or something.

He's a real asshole.

[engine rumbling]

[rock music playing over speakers]

♪

-How about the usual, Eric?

Two chocolate doughnuts, hot dog with the works,

fries, large Coke?

-[Burps]

-You know, I went to high school

with this girl who looked exactly like Lana Turner.

I always sort of felt like she looked down on me.

Well, anyway, she went to Hollywood to be a big star.

-What happened to her?

-She killed herself because she didn't make it big.

Really. -That won't happen to me.

Don't worry.

-Yeah, well, it better not.

-Ew, what's this piece of grunge?

-[Laughs] Okay, look. No more advice.

As of this minute, you're on your own.

-[Laughs]

♪

[Ethereal music]

-♪ Happy...birthday

♪ To you

♪ Happy...birthday

♪ To you

♪ Happy...birthday ♪

♪ Dear Eric

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To you ♪

♪

["Burnt Out" playing over speakers]

♪

[Laughter]

♪

-Marilyn, that guy is sliding down this way.

♪

Get a look at him.

♪

-Don't be cruel. He looks sweet.

-[Laughs]

♪

-Are you an actress? -No.

-It's amazing. You look exactly like Mar--

-We know. We know. Everybody says that.

♪

-I'm sorry. I just wanted to meet you.

I'm a great admirer.

-Enchantée.

I'm Marilyn O'Connor. -What are you doing?

-Cut it out. He's kind of cute.

-♪ You're all I think about♪

-What was the name of the movie

that Tom Ewell took you to see in "Seven Year Itch"?

-I forgot. Is it famous?

♪

-It's a horror movie.

[Suspenseful musical sting]

-Um, let me think.

-Don't encourage him.

-I'll give you a clue.

He was green and slimy.

-Oh, my God.

-♪ You're all I think about♪

-"Frankenstein."

[Suspenseful musical sting]

-[Slurping and croaking]

[Suspenseful musical sting]

♪

-[Laughs] "The Werewolf."

-Now you're just guessing.

-Who the hell cares?

-It was the "Creature from the Black Lagoon,"

stupid.

-Now you've hurt his feelings.

-♪ Burnt out♪

-Hey. Hey.

Hey. How did you know that? That's great.

-I go to a lot of movies.

It's my thing.

-Thrilling.

-[Screams]

[Dramatic music]

-I love movies.

-♪ I want you♪

-Um, could you give me a lift back to work?

-Are you serious?!

-Just watch me.

♪

How about it?

♪

-I have two wheels, not four.

-♪ You're all I think about, burnt out♪

-Fabulous.

-♪ Burnt out♪

♪ You're all I think about, burnt out♪

-Bye, Stacy!

-Keep the change.

I'll catch you later.

You know, I once went to three movies every day for a year,

and I never missed once.

-You're lucky.

In my town in the Australian outback,

this man would come round in a truck

and show the same two movies over and over again.

-What were they?

-"Mary Poppins" and "The Sound of Music."

[Laughter]

-You're a big Julie Andrews fan, huh?

-The only overdose of Julie.

[Laughter]

-Well, someday I'm gonna own my own movie theater,

and I'm gonna show whatever film I want whenever I want,

and you can come.

-Good. [Laughs]

Where do you live? -In Venice.

-With your parents?

-Uh, well, sort of.

Not really, no.

Do you stay in touch with your folks much?

-I never knew mine.

My father was a drover, I'm told.

-That's a sheepherder, isn't it?

-Yeah. Yeah, that's right. How'd you know that?

-I saw it in "The Sundowners" with Robert Mitchum.

-Oh, thanks. You're a darling.

Bye.

-See you in the movies.

-Okay. When?

-How about tonight?

-Sure. Where?

-Ships, Westwood, at 8:00.

-Fab. What movie will we see?

-That's a surprise.

-Ooh. Bye.

-[engine revs] -Bye.

[Static]

♪

♪

-You're not really gonna make me go farther than this

as far as humiliation, right?

-This does not count as humiliation.

You wore that to the last slumber party.

-Alright. I'll try again. But this is, like, for an 8-year-old.

This is like -- No? -It does not count.

You've already worn it. -Alright.

Dennis Christopher and Linda Kerridge,

the two actors who just took a ride on that Vespa

and flirted like crazy, were at opposite ends

of the Hollywood spectrum when this movie was made,

because Christopher had just been nominated for the Oscar

and praised by every film critic in America

for his performance in the movie "Breaking Away."

He was the main character, that bicycle racer.

Linda Kerridge, on the other hand,

was a newcomer to Hollywood.

She had to swallow her Australian accent,

and she was known for appearing in commercials and photoshoots

as Marilyn Monroe.

She had grown up in the outback in a town called Wagga Wagga,

and she cosplayed Marilyn a lot

and she managed to get noticed for her looks.

And then she moved to London for a while

after being signed by John Casablancas,

one of the top fashion agents in the world.

And so Casablancas booked her into a movie in Paris,

but the film required so much nudity that Kerridge got scared

and she told him she couldn't do it,

and Casablancas got furious and dropped her as a client.

And so she kind of fled to New York,

mostly just to hang around with people she liked.

And she followed some of those people out to California.

And she wasn't gonna do Marilyn anymore.

But then she was "discovered" one day

while she was walking along La Cienega Boulevard

by two producers who recommended her

to their friend Irwin Yablans, who they knew was producing

"Fade to Black."

Um, of course, she was perfect

for the part in a movie about a guy

who was psychotically fixated on Marilyn Monroe

as his ultimate dream woman.

Eventually, Linda Kerridge overcame her problems

with nudity, and she did a pictorial for Playboy

that is still very much admired today.

So, um, I've talked about Irwin Yablans before,

but what he's known for is discovering John Carpenter,

and he distributed John Carpenter's first movie,

"Assault on Precinct 13,"

which made just enough money for him to finance

John Carpenter's second movie, "Halloween."

-Whoo! -And Yablans made

so much money on "Halloween" in 1978

that he decided horror was his future.

So he made "Tourist Trap,"

which we featured as the first movie

on our very first marathon in 2018 --

so the very first movie I ever hosted on Shudder.

And even though "Tourist Trap" with Chuck Connors

is believed by horror fans today to be a great movie,

it was a bust when it first came out.

So, by the time he made thismovie in 1980,

both "Dawn of the Dead"

and "Friday the 13th" had come out.

So it was obvious to most people in the film business

that horror movies with explicit gore

were gonna be the next big thing,

but not so much to Irwin Yablans.

Irwin Yablans not care for the gore part of the equation.

He was from an older generation, and he believed --

He believed quote -- You hear a lot of people say this.

"It's what you don't see that's scary,

not what you do see."

-Pbht! No. -You know, and he would

actually cite some of his favorite radio mystery shows

as being the scariest media ever made.

So he was releasing a coming-of-age story

about a psychopath with the idea

that you shouldn't show much when he kills somebody,

so that was not a good formula for that period,

even though he had a virtuoso performance

by Dennis Christopher at his disposal.

Um, at the time of this movie, Dennis Christopher,

he could have chosen any project in Hollywood he wanted to do,

and he chose this script because he said

he could not get that character out of his mind.

Um, and he also had a rapport with Vernon Zimmerman,

who wrote the script and directed it.

But, then, everybodyhad a rapport with Vernon Zimmerman,

since he was kind of a timid man,

and he would take notes from everybody.

So everybody found him easy to collaborate with.

He collaborated on this script so many times

that it became radically different

from his original script.

But then the same thing had happened

on his two previous movies as a director --

"Deadhead Miles," which was a road picture

co-written with Terrence Malick...

and, um, "Unholy Rollers."

Roller-derby movie. I love that movie.

One of my favorites in that sub-subgenre

starring the great Claudia Jennings.

So, anyway, my point is that by the time

Zimmerman made all the changes to his script requested

by Irwin Yablans and Dennis Christopher,

it had become a pretty unwieldy and very talky picture

in an era when the horror world had just discovered

Jason and Michael Myers --

who don't talk at all, by the way.

So, um, I did -- Did somebody tell me Robin showed up?

Robin Sydney showed up?

-We're here! -Whoo! Robin!

-Alright. Robin. Cheer up, Robin! Cheer up!

-Oh, my gosh! I love this party! I love sleepover parties!

-Alright. Robin Sydney, ladies and gentlemen.

-Yay! -Cheers! -Star of "Gingerdead Man."

-"Gingerdead Man."

-Whoo-hoo! Whoo! "Gingerdead Man"!

-You're in quite a few Full Moon classics. So, welcome, Robin.

How's that marriage holding up?

-Oh, my God. It's the best! -You just got married --

You just got married to Charles Band.

-I know. It's so crazy. -Aww!

-I forgot to tell you this. -You were the preacher guy.

-You are, like, the best. Thanks for marrying us.

-You may not be actually married

because I didn't bother to get the license to marry people.

So you -- -Wait. What?!

-You may be living in sin. -Oh, my gosh!

-No, I got it for you, stupid. -No!

-Oh, you did? -Okay. Not stupid.

But, yes, I did all that for you.

-You did? -Yes. I gave you your license.

-Thank you! I heart you! -You're good, you're good.

-Oh, my gosh. No, seriously. You were, like, amazing.

-Alright. -Dream officiant.

-So what's happened since then? How's the marriage holding up?

-Oh, my gosh. It's the best. Like, we totally just got,

like, a new house, which is super exciting.

-Where? -In the Hollywood Hills.

-We are -- We just found out we're neighbors.

-Really? -We're like five minutes from each other.

-So you actually live in Hollywood now?

-Yeah, and Charlie has his office there.

Has all his original dolls and puppets.

A million of them.

-In your house? -Yeah, maybe like 75 of them.

Like, "Puppet Masters." Like, the "Ghoulies."

And in our TV room downstairs, there's Baby Oopsie.

She has her own little chair

and little rocking chair down there.

-Okay. -Yeah.

-What do you think of "Fade to Black"?

-Oh, my God. I'm obsessed.

-A movie that came out before you were born.

-Yeah. Right? I was, like, an egg then.

I was an egg. -You were an egg?

You were born in 1980? -And that was a potential.

But, um...

But -- Oh, my God. I literally love the movie so much.

-I do, too. -Yeah.

It's, like, so good and creepy.

And, like, that guy Eric, he is, like -- he's crazy.

He, like, livesthe movies.

-But you, like, feel bad for him, too, right?

-He's scary and creepy, but, yes, you feel for him.

-Yeah, I feel, like, so much for him.

Like, he's -- And his aunt is, like, so mean to him.

And, like, I just feel bad.

You know, your heart really goes out to him and...

-But do you think he's hot? -I mean -- okay.

-Asking the important questions, Joe Bob.

-I will say the Marilyn girl --

Okay. At first when I saw him, he looked a little nerdy.

And then when the Marilyn girl was, like, hot for him,

I feel like maybe I was a little hot for him, too.

-When the movie came out,

people thought of him as very young.

He was 30, okay?

But the previous year, he'd been in "Breaking Away,"

where he played a high-school senior.

So he was very -- I guess you could say he was very versatile.

-Ooh! I think I'm getting hot thinking about him.

-I don't think he looks 30. -Get comfortable, Robin.

-I mean, it's like whew!

I'm, like, thinking about his hotness.

Whoo-hoo! Um...

-It's also hot in Atlanta.

-I know. Hotlanta.

Um, no, I mean, I feel like he is 30 on the outside,

but he's, like, trapped in a little kid's body.

He's like 8, you know? -Like mentally.

-Yeah. -Yeah, mentally.

Like, I feel like I'm maybe 8. -Really?

-Just a little bit. -Possibility.

-Alright. -Yeah.

Did you know that Marilyn was Charlie Band's

babysitter growing up?

-[Laughter] -Did Charlie --

-He wasn't ready for that information.

-Yeah, he liked to think that, like, he, you know,

sucked a boob, but, no, he didn't.

-Okay. Probably -- -Robin, welcome.

-Probably gonna have a conversation

when you get home tonight.

-Yeah. Anyway...

-Alright, well, we're gonna go back to the movie now,

but stick around because I want to get

your reactions to everything.

-Okay. -Alright. Back to the movie.

Roll it.

And Darcy has been lecturing me about

how I'm not in the slumber-party spirit

and I need to start doing slumber-party stuff.

So, do you do a lot of slumber parties?

Is this something you do? -I loveslumber parties!

Have you ever got your toes done?

-What do you mean, my toes? Oh, not you, too.

-Can we do your toes? Toes? -It's tradition.

-Oh. I literally have... toe stuff!

-Oh, my God. -Yes.

-It fits the theme. -Bloody Mary?

-Um, I haven't done that one yet. I'm not sure what it is.

-I just taught him what it was.

He'd never even heard of it. -Are you serious?!

How about the feather? The light as a feather.

-Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

-Light as a feather, stiff as a board!

-She's heard of it. Have you done it?

-I don't even know what you're talking about.

-He doesn't. He's never heard of any of this.

-You are so lucky that I'm here to have a sleepover party!

-Okay. -♪ Oh, sleepover party

-It's getting crazy out of here. I'm afraid to go in that room.

-That's what that was?! I thought the party was --

-That's the party room. -Oh, no.

-Oh, snap. -That's the party room.

-Oh, yes. I'll be right back. Bring my slippers.

-You're falling out of your costume.

-Welcome, Robin! -It's okay. It's a party.

Oh, my gosh. Hey, guys!

-Party, party! -So much party!

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

[harmonica music playing]

♪

[Knock at door]

[Dog barks]

[Snorts]

[Inhales sharply]

♪

[Panting]

♪

Wow, baby!

♪

♪ I said hey, baby

♪

God, can never get that one.

[Sighs]

[Snorts]

[Inhales sharply]

♪

[Object clatters]

Hi, Anne.

[Laughter]

-Grr, grr, grr. [Barks]

-Wait. -Anne.

[Laughter]

Ah.

[Objects clattering]

-[Laughs] -Whew.

Boy, that wore me out.

[Television clicks on]

-Damage to buildings and human life

was estimated in the millions.

-I saw the explosion.

Just disintegrated in the air,

going that way, towards the -- -Look at this clown.

-Back that way, north.

-Kind of reminds me of Gallagher.

-Gallagher is an okay guy.

He just doesn't agree with your methods, that's all.

-Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say, Annie.

You know, you're -- you're a cop.

I'm not a cop. He won't listen to me.

To him, I'm some, uh, throwback to the hippie wars.

-But people hate anything that's different.

Listen, I had a partner and he refused

to get in the patrol car with me because I'm a woman.

You know what he said?

He said, uh, he didn't join the snatch squad.

[Both chuckle]

-The snatch squad, eh? -Yeah.

Has a real ring to it. It's real cute, isn't it?

-Why did you join the force?

-For the money. -[Scoffs]

-No.

I joined because -- Listen. It's like you said.

You know, uh, last week,

a girl in San Diego picked a rifle up.

She killed her neighbors and claimed she saw it on TV.

-That's what I'm talking about.

How about the teenager who stabbed his friend 22 times

and said it wasn't like on television --

the knife only went in a littleways.

-A San Bernardino couple was shot and killed,

causing a two-car collision at the central off-ramp

of the Glendale Freeway.

-It just bugs me.

I'm obsessed with the subject, and it freaks me out because

we're planting these crazy images inside

of these children's heads.

-11:00 news.

Please stay tuned for "Stagecoach"

starring John Wayne, the 1939...

-You gonna use this thing?

-Directed by John Ford.

-This is Channel 9... -Yeah. [laughs]

-Serving Los Angeles, Orange, and San Diego counties.

The weather outlook for tomorrow is clear...

-It makes a big bang. [Laughs]

-Dropping to a low of 69.

A fifth-stage smog alert is predicted

for most of Los Angeles.

-I never fucked a cop before.

-We're out of quarters again. -I'm sorry.

There's this long line of freaked-out New Yorkers

at the taco stand, acting like they

never saw a burrito before. -[Laughs]

-God, I could have killed them.

-Hi, Marilyn. How you doing?

-Okay. How are you? -Good.

-Oh, Marilyn, a special delivery package came for you.

I put it under the counter. -Ooh!

Oh!

[Gasps]

It must be from a wealthy fan.

-Oh, yeah. Big spender.

Those are selling for 2 bucks on the pier.

-Wonder who's jealous. -[Laughing] Oh.

[suspenseful music]

-Big cynic. I love it.

♪

-Is that any way to treat a soldier?

-But I'm telling you, Chief --

-Never give a sucker an even break,

and always keep an eye on a pal.

Remember that.

-Hmm, well, you're looking très elegant.

-[as Cary Grant] Thanks, my dear.

-You even cleaned up your room.

Are you sure you feel alright?

-Certainly, my dear!

I have a most important date

with a most important young lady.

-I'm Greta Garbo if you're Cary Grant.

-You're absolutely correct, my dear.

Absolutely correct.

-Who isthis young lady?

-[exhales sharply]

[normal voice] Ms. Marilyn Monroe.

-[Sighs]

-[as Cary Grant] Sorry, darling. Must dash.

[Normal voice] Oh, uh, hey, Aunt Stella...

♪

May I have a small loan

at the usual rate of interest, please?

-On one condition --

that you come straight home right after the movie.

I want my back rub tonight.

♪

♪

[Dollar bills rustling]

♪

♪

-They tell me that dreams reveal quite a bit

about a person's inner secrets.

-Oh, no. I have these horrible nightmares

about losing my makeup.

What does thatmean?

-I don't know.

I had a dream about photographing

Marilyn Monroe last night.

-How'd it go?

-I don't know. The proofs haven't been developed yet.

-I'm starved.

-Excuse me. What time is it, please?

-Uh, it's about 9:00.

-Thank you. -Sure.

-Where is she, Hoppy?

[Horn honks]

-What do you say we go over to my studio?

It's just around the corner. -Excuse me.

-Do you mind if we have some dessert?

-No. You can have anything you want.

[Indistinct chatter]

-Marilyn, I-- -That's all I need.

-I need money for popcorn. I won't have any left.

-One dollar. -[indistinct chatter]

-Hey, listen, I'll buy -- -Excuse me.

Hi. -Okay, you treat. You treat.

-Okay. -Bye.

-I'm sorry. I thought you were somebody else.

[Indistinct chatter]

-He was on a talk show the other day.

[Indistinct chatter]

-Excuse me. Did you see a blonde girl

about my height, uh, looking for somebody?

She has big red lips and real blond hair.

-Hey! -Hey!

[All shouting]

-Hey, I like our tie!

Hey, that's a great tie! Look at that!

[All whooping]

-[Gasps]

I forgot I was supposed to meet this guy in Westwood hours ago!

-Come on.

-Look, I've got to go!

-What's the matter? Don't you like men?

-Don't flatter yourself.

[Lounge music playing]

[Tense music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Somber music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Excuse me!

Do you know what time the next bus is, please?

-I don't wait for no bus. I'm workin'.

-Work at night, huh?

Where do you work? Where you headed?

-Shut up, will you, numb nuts?!

I'm trying to hitch a ride... on my back.

Get it?

-I have 10 bucks.

What about me?

-10 bucks?

For what, cat food?

Get lost.

Hope you freeze your balls off. If you got any.

-Go to hell!

-[Laughs]

You think a squealer can get away from me, huh?

[Laughs] You know what I do to squealers?

I let 'em have it in the belly

so they can roll around for a long time,

thinking it over.

[Projector clicking]

You're worse than him,

telling me he's coming back,

you lying old hag.

[Laughing]

[Tense music]

-Where's the squirt? -Not home.

Come home late tonight, maybe.

Come for dinner sometime.

-Where'd he go to? -Peter?

[Laughs] How I know?

Uptown, downtown.

Baseball game. Anywhere.

[Banging on door]

-Eric! Come out of there!

-[Laughing]

-[Whimpering]

I'm sick! Let me go. No!

[Dramatic music]

[Banging on door]

-If you don't open up, I'm going to use the key!

-On a train, huh?

-Hey. Where you going?

-No, no! Frankie! No!

No. No!

-This is for knowing a squealer.

-Not outside! I can't move!

-Eric, you're hopeless! What is this?!

You can't stay in here forever!

This isn't a charity ward!

Either you go to work, you eat,

or you can find yourself another place to live!

-Shut up.

-[Exhales sharply]

This is vile, watching movies again,

spending all your money on films!

-Aunt Stella, this is the best part!

-Everything is movies, movies, movies!

And I'm sick and tired of it! -No!

Jesus Christ!

[Objects clattering]

[Tense music]

♪

-I'm sorry.

♪

I said I'm sorry!

Look at this place!

This room is a disgrace!

Eric, come in here now!

Oh, this damn thing!

Eric, get in here now!

Get in here right now!

Eric!

Eric, I have had it with you.

I want you to get rid of all this junk.

Do you hear me?

-Aah!

-Move it! -You ruined it.

You ruin everything!

I said move it! Move it!

-Aah!

♪

-I can't stop the chair! Eric! Eric!

-[Laughing]

-Eric, don't -- don't you dare!

No! Eric! Eric!

Ohh! Ohh! -[Laughing]

-[Screaming]

-[Laughing]

[Crashing]

[Body thuds]

[Shallow breathing] Eric...

-[Laughing]

♪

20th Century Fox presents "Kiss of Death,"

starring Victor Mature, Brian Donlevy, Coleen Gray...

[Laughs]

...with Richard Widmark. Taylor Holmes,

Howard Smith...

Karl Malden.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Water running]

♪

♪

[Woman shouts] -Oh, my gosh!

-What do we do? -I'm gonna call an ambulance.

-I wonder who lives here, anyway.

[Indistinct talking]

[Retching]

♪

[Static]

♪

-That tour de force performance as Aunt Stella,

that was Eve Brent,

an actress who got typecast playing Jane

in the Tarzan movies in the late '50s

and never was able to fight her way back to ingenue status.

So, in a way, her personal story

mirrored the bitterness of the character

in "Fade to Black,"

whose dance career was ruined somehow

by events involving Eric and events

I won't go into right now

because they're revealed in the plot later.

But while we were watching this last segment, Robin,

you told me that you know Tim Thomerson,

who plays Moriarty,

the psychologist who annoys the police captain.

-Yes! -You know Tim Thomerson?

-Yeah, I did two movies with him, and then I'm a friend.

And obviously through Charlie. -What movies are you in

with Tim Thomerson?

-So, I did "Evil Bong." That was the first one.

-"Evil Bong"? -Whoo!

-Where I literally had went on a pogo stick

and had a -- a fun time.

[Laughter]

-That clip will be posted. -Like, no -- no hands.

-We get it, we get it, we get it.

Don't elaborate.

-Um, then I did "Wicked Lake,"

and we played, like, basically witches.

And Tim Thomerson's character is almost

identical to the character in "Fade to Black."

-Really? -Yeah. He's, like, the same --

-He's kind of a -- I don't know what his --

-He's got a white mustache instead of a brown mustache.

-I don't know what he is in "Fade to Black."

He's kind of a --

He's -- He's -- He's brought in to be the police --

or, to work with the police

and do, like, sort of social work with the kids

that are in trouble.

But he's also a harmonica player, and he's also a hippie.

-True. He plays the harmonica so good.

-Can't you be more than one thing?

-But he was also the genius who, like, discovered

that Eric was actually into movies and stuff.

I did find it really funny

when he was trying to bang the cop, though,

that he was like, "I'm so tired."

-That was hard to crack. -[Laughs]

But he really -- Yeah, he -- he did crack it.

-I mean, yeah, it was hard to figure that one out.

-Well... -But Tim is the nicest guy.

And I'll say when we were shooting,

he was telling me that he actually was in silent movies,

and I didn't understand what a silent movie was.

And he said, "There's no words."

-Wait a minute, wait a minute. Robin.

Tim Thomerson said he was in the silent-era movies?

-Yeah. -What? Really? Is that possible?

-No. -I came back later that night,

and I was like, "Charlie."

I was like, "Tim was in silent movies."

He's like, "You're gullible." So I think Tim Thomerson got me.

-Yes! Tim Thomerson was not in any silent movies.

But you said you didn't know that there was silent movies?

-No, I didn't -- I knew there were silent --

I knew a silent movie,

but I didn't know it didn't have words.

[Laughter] -Well, how could it have words?

-Can I cheers you on that one? -Yes.

-All right, Robin. -You got to learn somehow.

-Let's move on. Let's -- Let's move on from that.

-It's called silent movies.

-You were gonna tell me some slumber-party activities

that I have somehow overlooked.

-Yes. -Like Bloody Mary. What is that?

-Oh, my God, Bloody Mary is -- You have --

I can't believe he hasn't played that.

-Trust. I know. I'm shocked at what he doesn't know.

-Alright, how do you play Bloody Mary?

-It is actually kind of scary.

Like, for real. -It's really creepy.

-Like, actually.

So, you say, "Bloody Mary" --

I don't know if it's 3 or 5 times.

-I always heard five. Like, you look in the mirror,

and you just say, "Bloody Mary."

Does it count if we're not looking in a mirror?

-Okay. -So you just say, "Bloody Mary,

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary."

Okay. That's enough of that.

Because when you say the third time, actually --

-I think it's five. -When you say the fifth time --

Well, I like high-fives, so we're gonna go with five.

-Okay. Five times. -When you say it the fifth time,

actually, evil comes through the mirror.

-Yes. Bloody Mary herself. -What do you mean?

-Yeah, Bloody Mary actually comes through the mirror.

Whoever you announce, like, comes through the mirror.

And it's actually scary. -Do you do this in a group?

Like, everybody's looking in the mirror?

-Yeah. -I mean, one person

could do it alone, but... -You say it --

You say it five times, and then, all of a sudden,

it's very dangerous.

-Yes. -And Bloody Mary appears.

-Bloody Mary literally appears through the mirror.

And it is -- -It's super creepy.

-And what does she look like? What does she look like?

-Um, well, she's bloody. And her name is probably Mary.

[Laughter] And I think she's drinking

a Bloody Mary.

And she is just creepy, you know?

Like, coming through, like, whoo!

-So comes all drunk -- "What do you want, man?"

-All right, well, I don't think that would work here, because --

because we now know that it's a trick, right?

-No, no, no, no! -No, it's not a trick.

-No, it's, like, real. -No.

It just sounds like something girls use to scare one another.

-I'm pretty sure it's possession.

[Laughter]

-Possession of the person... -By the mirror.

-...of the person that's watching the -- the mirror

or the mirror itself?

-The mirror. The mirror is -- -Okay. But you know what?

We are definitely painting toenails.

-Yeah. Yeah. [Laughter]

-Okay. We gotta do Bloody Mary.

-That's great. You know what?

The two of you paint each other's toenails.

That'll be great. Because we don't --

Can we please do your toenails?

because you've never had a pedicure.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-No, I actually took him to get a pedicure once.

-Alright. -I have pictures.

-No, no, no. -Oh, my God.

No, we're not doing that.

All right. -No?

-Here's what we're gonna do.

Um, how many of these movies

that they use in "Fade to Black"

could you identify when you were watching the movie?

-Oh, yeah, pfft! -Okay.

-There are at least 15 movies they pay homages to.

-You mean there's, like, hidden throughout the movie?

-Well, sometimes, they show actual footage from the movie.

Sometimes they talk about the movie.

-Oh, my gosh. -Okay.

I have a list of them. All right.

"The Public Enemy" -- that's the very first one,

at the very beginning of the film.

James Cagney shoving the grapefruit

into the mouth of Mae Clarke. -Whoa! Yeah.

-All right? -Did you know that one?

-You know that movie? -Well, what I loved about it is,

like, even though I didn't know that movie, it was a flashback.

-Yeah. They showed the --

They showed the black-and-white flashback.

-You got it. I fucking love that.

-All right. "White Heat," 1949.

That is the main one --

the main movie throughout the whole movie,

because Cody Jarrett is the character of James Cagney

in that movie.

And he seems fixated on James Cagney

more than any other -- anybody else.

-He really is. -And James Cagney

has this Oedipus relationship with his mama, you know?

-Yeah. -And so...

-I mean, that's saying a lot right there.

-I get that now. -Yeah. Ooh.

-So, "Kiss of Death." -I hadn't thought about that.

-Oh! -"Kiss of Death" --

have you seen that? -I have.

-1947. That's a movie where Richard Widmark

murders his wheelchair-bound mother

by pushing her down a flight of stairs.

And you notice they showed black-and-white footage of --

-I feel like Eric just, like, absorbs the movie.

-He -- He -- Yeah. [Laughter]

-Yeah, they also use -- -He does what now?

-They use a lot of "Kiss of Death" stuff in "Joker."

-Absorbs. -Absorbs.

-Did you watch "Joker"? They use a lot of stuff --

Richard Widmark stuff in that. -No?

-But what I like is, even though I didn't watch it,

there are flashbacks. I was like, "Oh, my God."

-Yeah. -Next movie. What movie?

-Well, "Casablanca," of course. -Oh, yeah.

-You know that one. -Classic Humphrey Bogart.

That's what the bed is with Mickey Rourke, right?

Um, "Psycho." -Yes!

-Oh, my God. Okay.

My sister, when she saw "Psycho,"

she -- I literally went in the bathroom and I --

'Cause she told me she was scared,

and I was like, "Er er er!"

So when I was watching "Fade to Black," I was like,

"Oh, my God! I went right there

when I was with my sister in the shower, like, "Er er er!"

She got so scared. -Alright, no spoilers, okay.

"99 River Street."

That's the name of a movie -- "99 River Street."

-Really? The street sign that he, like, pastes on the thing?

-Yep. -Oh, my God.

-"Creature from the Black Lagoon."

-Yeah, I like when he was like -- bl bl bl bl bl! --

trying to show, like, the girl.

-Okay. Um, "Cry of Battle," 1963.

This has always been a trivia question,

at least in Texas, because...

What are you doing? -Um, what? No.

-That's the movie that Lee Harvey Oswald was watching

in the Texas theater on the day that he shot the president.

-Really? -And they, unfortunately,

just in recent years, they took the chair out.

You used to be able to sit in the chair

that Lee Harvey Oswald was sitting in.

It was painted black.

But they stopped doing that.

'Cause I would always sit in that chair.

-That is so creepy. -Um...

-Maybe 'cause Bloody Mary possessed it.

-No, I've done several shows at the Texas Theatre.

I always ask them, "Why did you take the black chair out?

Why did you take the Lee Harvey Oswald chair out?"

But, anyway, they did anyway. Anyway, he knows that.

That was one of his trivia questions.

-He does, yes. -"Dracula's Daughter," 1936.

-Yes! -"Hopalong Cassidy," 1935.

There's a big scene with Hopalong Cassidy

later in the film. "Little Caesar," 1931.

There's a lot of pre-Code stuff.

These are gangster films that they were --

but they were made before the Hays Office came along

and cracked down on censorship in like 1932 and '33.

-Wow. -So these pre-Code films

could show a lot of violence, they could show a lot of sex.

They could show, you know...

So he loves the pre-Codes.

"Mary Poppins," 1965.

-Wait. "Mary Poppins" was in there?

-Well, it's when Linda Kerridge, as Marilyn,

is saying... -Oh, yeah.

..."Oh, the only two movies they ever showed in my town

in the Outback..." -Come on, that doesn't count.

-"...'Mary Poppins' and 'Sound of Music.'"

So, I mean... -That does. You're a genius.

-These are, like, cultural... -It's good, it's good.

-...touchstones.

"Night of the Living Dead." -Ooh!

"Reefer Madness," 1936.

He makes some comment, like, "I would only watch that twice."

-So cool.

-"Stagecoach," 1939, the John Ford Western.

-Wow. -"The Big Sleep," 1946.

-You're so excited. -"The Big House," 1930.

He compares the -- That's a prison movie.

He compares that to the warehouse,

the film warehouse where he works.

-Wow.

-"The Broadway Melody," 1929.

Adolf Hitler's favorite movie the musical,

"The Broadway Melody."

-Crazy. -"The Thin Man," 1934.

"The Maltese Falcon," 1941. -Dang muffins.

-"The Mummy," 1932.

-Oh, yeah, that was cool when he was like --

He was like, "Rrrrrr."

Right? -All right. No spoilers.

-Oh. -"The Prince of --"

Although that was a good imitation.

-It was really good. -I mean, that's what it

sounded like in "The Mummy." -Right, exactly.

-Yeah. -That wasn't a spoiler.

-"The Prince and the Showgirl," 1957.

"The Seven Year Itch," 1955.

Both of those are Marilyn Monroe movies.

-Did he have an itch for seven years in that one?

-And "The Sundowners," 1960.

So, if you count all the casual references along with the ones

that they really, you know, refer to you, that's 23 films.

-That is amazing. And 25 because, in the studio,

there's, like, the "Trancers" poster

and the "Halloween" poster.

-Well, no. If we count posters, he's got...

-Then he's got bajillions. -He's got 50,

100 posters all over his room, all over everywhere.

-Would you like to go over all of those, too?

-You probably could not do a movie like this today,

because I don't know if you could round up all the rights

for those inserts.

Companies are very jealous about letting you do that now.

-Wait. Did they have to get the rights for that then?

You would have to get the rights, yeah,

to show those clips, so, um...

-Oh, wow. -So, uh -- and, well...

-We'll talk about it. -Yeah, we'll talk about it.

-We'll talk about it. -Yeah. All right.

-Back to the movie.

So, alright. So I have a question.

So if you played Bloody Mary correctly...

-[Sultry voice] Yes.

[Laughter]

Oh, I thought you meant acted as her.

-Is Bloody Mary like the Bloody Mary,

first woman to rule England,

Mary I, in the 16th century? -Yeah.

-The Queen. -I have no idea.

-You know who liked to burn people at the stake.

-Is that who comes? -Oh, wait.

That's why she's so evil? -We wouldn't even know

what she looked like, you know?

-I feel like if it's a bloody person

that shows up in the mirror, then, you know, go with it.

-Bloody Mary, it's -- -It's probably Mary.

-The legend was invented for Bloody Mary,

the first -- Mary I, from 16th century.

Because... -That is so crazy.

-So it's a slumber-party tradition involving

the burning of heretics.

-Yes. -That is so crazy.

I always just thought it was just like a creepy lady

coming through the mirror.

But I didn't realize all the history.

-Okay. -That is so cool!

-It's still kind of silly. -Yeah.

-It's silly, it's spooky. -It is --

It's actually, like, really scary.

I mean, we, as you know, would just scream like.

But, like -- I mean, we would say it.

We wouldn't even want to say it that many times,

and when we did, we already started

screaming in our hearts before.

-So you mean you say it four times...

-And then when you see it, we just ran.

-We were screaming in our hearts. Screaming in my heart.

-Yeah, I was legit scared! -All right, we'll save it.

-Are we gonna do it? We gotta do it tonight.

-Robin! -No.

I don't know if we'll do that or not.

-Pillow fight. -Pillow fight!

[Laughter]

♪

-Stella Binford led a life of piety

and quiet Christian charity that touched all who knew her.

Generous to a fault both to her friends,

loved ones, and to her church.

We commit her spirit to the Almighty

and pray for her eternal salvation,

that her wondrous soul may find peace in heaven,

as it did on Earth.

Amen.

[Rain pattering]

I'm sorry, Eric, but there was just no room

next to Ms. Monroe's crypt.

-But that's where I wanted her, Reverend.

-Well, there are other nice sites.

Fine. Thank you.

Come. Come. Walk with me.

Now, here are the ashes.

Why don't you take them home?

Live with them for a couple of days.

There's no hurry.

You have plenty of time to decide.

Say, till Friday, okay?

I really have got to go, because I've got

to service another funeral.

I have a christening, and I have a wedding.

In fact, it's a double ceremony.

But if there's anything that you need,

my boy, you call me, okay?

Uh, but preferably before 6:00.

Oh, Eric, I'll see you tomorrow, now,

at your aunt's memorial service?

-No, I don't believe in God.

-Well, God still believes in you, Eric.

-[Cackling]

Here's to your good health...

Aunt Stella.

[Bag rustling]

[Birds chirping]

[Knocking]

[Lock clicks]

-Oh, Eric, you're still here.

I thought maybe you'd move because of your aunt's--

you know, the name change.

And listen, I'm really sorry.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

The name is Jarrett. You got it?

Cody Jarrett.

-[Clears throat]

Strange bird.

[Tense music plays]

♪

-[Exhales sharply]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Zombies growling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Watch this. This will make you sick.

-Shh!

♪

[Zombie growling]

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

[Groaning]

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

-[Yelps, giggles]

Drunk again.

♪

[Laughs]

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh.

♪

Mm.

[Lighter clicking]

♪

Oh, drinking alone.

♪

Mm. Mm.

♪

Mm.

[Footsteps approaching]

♪

[Giggles]

♪

♪

[Shower running]

[Hinges creaking]

[Screaming]

["Psycho" music plays]

-I only wanted your autograph!

♪

[Sobbing]

♪

[Rock music playing over speakers]

♪

[Thunder rumbling]

-Listen to the children of the night.

Oh, what lovely music they make.

♪

I believe we've met before, my child.

[Dramatic music plays]

-Uh, what's your act, anyway?

Uh, not that I care.

-Are you engaged this evening? -Uh, yeah.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

um, I'm late to another appointment, but, uh,

maybe some other time.

♪

[Panting]

♪

♪

[Dog barking]

[Dog howls]

[Panting]

♪

♪

[Screams]

♪

[Thunder rumbling]

[Somber music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Hey, there's Binford.

Let's get on his case. -Sure. Good deal.

Hey, Binford, take a look at this.

-Leave him alone. -So what?

-Paper says there was 100 Draculas

at that marathon last night.

Where were you?

Were you there? Huh? Huh?

Huh? Were you-- -Cut it out!

-What are you gonna do, you little baby?

Huh? -He does nothing.

-You little shithead.

-Come on, man. Let's make it. We're late.

-Hey, you guys, you owe me 40 bucks.

-For what?

-The "Casablanca" bet, remember?

Rick's last name.

-No, Eric, we still have time for that.

-Yeah, till tomorrow.

-Tomorrow was last week.

I want my money.

-Eric, forget it.

What are you looking at? What are you --

What are you looking at, you creep?!

Eric, you keep -- you keep messing with me,

and I'm gonna kick your ass.

-I'm sorry, Binford.

Anything you know ain't worth the price of admission.

-Bet you didn't know what Adolf Hitler's

favorite movie was.

"Broadway Melody." I bet you didn't know that.

And what about "Cry of Battle" and "War is Hell"?

Where were they playing, huh?

At the Texas theater where they caught Oswald

the day he shot Kennedy!

I bet you didn't know that, you --

it was a double bill, you... shit.

-Why, El Toro ain't been this side

of the border in five years.

-Here comes Bill Cassidy.

[Hooves clopping]

[Horse chuffs]

-What's going on here?

-You're headed for trouble, and I'm stringing along.

-This is something personal, Johnny.

I got a job to do.

[Gun cocking]

[Gun clicks]

[Upbeat music playing over speakers]

[Indistinct chatter]

♪

-I used to be good at this.

♪

[People cheering]

-Hey, what do I get?

-You won the piggy.

-Not bad. All right, okay.

-Try again. Try again.

-How much is this one? -Two balls for 50 cents.

-Two balls for 50 cents. I'll be right back.

-Oh, sure.

♪

-Look at this. This is great.

Let's play this game. -Hey, man,

I don't want to play these games all night.

Don't you want to get laid? -Well, sure.

-Place is crawling with cooze. Let's go check it out.

-That's what you said about this place, you know?

-You gonna bust my chops all night long?

-I'm not gonna bust your chops.

But, you know, that's what you said, you know?

The night is young. Let's do it.

-Let's check it out.

-All right.

-Give me that thing.

We ain't gonna pick nothing up with all this shit.

-You won it.

What'd you do that for?

-That's what I'd like to do to Binford.

That guy really bothers me.

-[Laughs]

-Hey, Jack, where you hiding all the pussy, man?

-Las Vegas. I lived there for four years.

-Las Vegas? We ain't gonna go to Las Vegas.

-I feel like a moron, carrying this damn teddy bear

up and down this pier.

-Ah, keep it, man.

The broads eat that shit up. Are you kidding?

-Well, if they eat this shit up,

then why don't you carry it for a while, okay?

[Metallic jingling]

[unsettling music]

What's that noise, anyway?

♪

Oh, my gosh.

Looks like somebody's celebrating Halloween

a little early this year, huh?

♪

-No, man, that's, uh -- that's William Boyd.

-Friend of yours?

-No, this is the famous Hopalong Cassidy, right?

♪

-Well, I think he's calling you out.

Hopalong Cassidy.

[Gun clatters] -Oh, look at this.

Oh, you want to play games?

This is some toy you got here, Hoppy.

-Make your move, hombre.

-Oh, I think he's crazy.

-Oh, you want to go a round?

♪

-Draw!

[Gun clicks]

[Gun cocking]

Start dancing, cowboy.

[Gunshot] -Hey, come on, man!

Hey, what are you doing? -Come on, Richie. He's crazy!

-Come on! -Hey, wait.

-Richie, come on! -What are you doing?

-Come on! -Are you nuts, man?

-Say your prayers, partner.

-Hey, come -- hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'm sorry.

What -- why -- what are you doing, man?

Take it easy, please.

-On your knees.

-What are you doing? -Both knees. Both of 'em.

-Please, I didn't do anything to you.

-Get down. Get down! -Why are you doing this?

♪

-How does it feel now, Richie?

-Binford?

[Gunshots]

♪

♪

[Spurs jingling]

♪

♪

-You think the cops suspect me of killing Richie,

even though I was his best friend?

-Cops are paid to suspect everybody and catch no one.

Gallagher is just another flatfoot.

-What about that Moriarty character and his tests?

-It's just a bunch of stupid questions.

-They even had Mr. Berger in here last night,

and he's a nervous wreck.

And he's got to go in the hospital next week

for his operation. -What operation?

-Bypass operation. His heart's worse, man.

-I didn't think he had one.

-How are they gonna find Richie's killer?

-Bart...

if you can't identify him, who can?

See ya.

-You know, that, uh -- that Binford kid

was, uh, a little strange.

-Yeah? He seemed harmless enough.

-Moriarty?

What the hell are you trying to pull?

We question all those CFS employees very carefully.

Normal police procedure.

Now, who the hell gave you the authority to test them?

-I cooked up this questionnaire

to help flush out a suspect. -Flush?

That's exactly the right word for the way I'm feeling

about your actions.

For your information, this is the only

real fucking piece of evidence that we have.

-I-I don't agree.

-Captain Gallagher, Moriarty's really got something here.

-Three of them tilted red -- Eric Binford,

Maria Valdéz, Herman Bricks.

-Maria Valdéz, the broad in the shipping department,

is a killer?

Oh, that's terrific. Thank you very much, Sherlock.

-Also, the newspapers think there is a link

between the Dracula murder and this cowboy caper.

-One of the victims was a stock boy

in an advertising firm.

The other's a hooker.

Now, where's the connection?

-It's obvious.

We've got to stop this killer from further

acting out his fantasy. -Hey, we?

When the hell did you join the police force?

-Just trying to help out, Captain.

-Now, listen.

I don't need any of your psycho tests

to help me find a killer.

And just in case you didn't notice,

nobody's asking for your help, so knock it off!

-Captain, I know the human mind,

especially the sick ones.

-Well, fuck the mind, okay?

Keep your nose out of police business.

[Door slams]

-You know, Archambaum, I can't stand stupidity.

-Jerry...

it's Archambault.

-[Sighs]

-Just tell him to call me, Fox.

Hop in, fella.

[Upbeat music playing over speakers]

I'll check with you later.

-Thanks a lot. -Where you headed?

-Venice. Uh, near the pier.

-Ah. -This is beautiful.

-Thanks. -Is this an Auburn?

-Yeah.

-What year? -'34.

♪

-Are all these scripts yours? -Yeah.

I used to be an actor. Uh, now I'm producer.

-I'm in the film business, too.

-Really?

-I have this idea for a movie.

You wouldn't be interested, would you?

-Sure.

Maybe I can help you. -Wow.

Thanks.

♪

You are the Gary Bially, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-You, uh -- you produced "The Big Ripoff," right?

-Yep, I do, uh, four pictures a year.

Keep it.

♪

-Listen, this idea for my movie,

it's, uh, sort of like an early-'50s Sam Fuller piece,

you know?

Kind of a story about these two crooks,

and they break out of jail,

and they join up with this carnival of convicts.

-What's it called?

-"Alabama and the 40 Thieves."

-"Alabama and the 40" -- it's not bad, kid.

Tell me more.

-Well, I thought maybe we could do it

in black-and-white, you know,

and you could get Peter Bogdanovich to do it.

And I got some great ideas on casting.

Mr. Bially, listen, right here is fine.

-You know something, kid?

You've got a real feel for film.

Look, uh, Eric, you'll have to come to my next screening.

-Really? -Yeah.

Call me at the studio sometime. -Jesus.

Well, thanks. -Sure. Don't mention it.

-Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'll call you. -Great.

-Thank you. -You bet.

-Bye.

♪

[Engine revving]

-Aunt Stella, it's our lucky day!

[Somber music]

♪

♪

We finally made it.

I just met this producer,

and he liked my idea for the movie,

and he's gonna do it.

And we're gonna be rich, and we're not gonna

have to worry about a thing.

♪

♪

I'm sorry.

♪

I'm sorry I'm late.

♪

We finally made it, Ma...

and it hurts.

♪

It hurts bad, Ma.

[Sniffles]

[Dramatic music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Hey!

What room are you in? -What are you talking about?

-Did you know, when this was the Hollywood Studio Club,

that, uh, Gale Storm and Sharon Tate

and Marilyn Monroe all lived in room 334?

-Give me a break.

-Bet you didn't know that, huh?

Kenneth Anger would love the Boulevard today.

"Hollywood Babylon" on parade.

-$2.76.

-Did you ever see Marilyn Monroe

coming out of the Brown Derby?

-[Laughs]

She's been dead for years, man.

-You're wrong.

-What are you talking about?

-I said you're wrong!

She's as alive as you and I!

-She's dead! She's dead, you jerk!

-Look, Eric, you've been here for over an hour.

Are you gonna buy anything or not?

You've got most of these anyway.

-I'll just take these two, Clark.

-Pay up front.

Eric, watch your money.

[Cash register dings]

-He's on his way. You've got to believe me, Officer.

He is coming to Haddonfield.

Because I know him.

I'm his doctor.

You must be ready for him.

If you don't, it's your funeral.

[Train crossing signal dinging]

[Tense music]

♪

[Train horn blows]

♪

-Hello, beauty.

♪

♪

Oh.

♪

Yeah.

Sweetheart.

♪

Beautiful.

You beautiful bitch.

You bitch.

♪

[Moaning]

♪

♪

[Panting]

I'm sorry, Maril.

[Static]

[Toilet flushes]

-[Groans]

Why do I ever agree to this stuff?

Just because the first movie's called "Slumber Party Massacre",

the whole night's got to be slumber party,

whole kind of "Bloody Mary" thing.

Bloody -- we don't even know what Bloody Mary is.

What is this? Oh, nudie... nudie bra thing.

Maybe this one.

Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary.

Strapless.

Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Baby crying]

♪

[Heart beating]

Ahhh!

-Yeah!

-♪ When life gets to be way too bizarre ♪

♪ Take a quick break and try Skybar ♪

-The 4-in-1 snack super stack!

[Laughter]

♪

-Okay, Darcy. Are you satisfied now?

-I am so satisfied.

You know you're rocking this.

-Rocking it? -Yes.

-What, rocking it for date night at the Castro Street Carnival?

Where am I rocking it? -[Laughter]

-Anywhere you want, baby.

-Alright. Let me get my bearings here.

Alright.

Usually, when movies deal with the subject of stalking,

they do it with externals.

You know, the stalker has pictures on the wall,

or he has a little alter, or he moves in a quirky way,

or he says inappropriate things.

And originally, the scene that we just watched

was supposed to be Eric dancing around his room with a standee,

a cardboard cutout of Marilyn.

But Dennis Christopher says, nah,

that's too cornball for this guy.

Dennis Christopher was so obsessed

with getting everything just right,

that he went to Vernon Zimmerman, the director,

and Irwin Yablans, the producer,

and he said, "This is not what Eric would do in this scene."

And they said, "What do you want to do, Dennis?"

And Dennis says, "Eric would be making love

to Marilyn every night."

And so, we got that scene, which is pretty brave for an actor.

But of course, Christopher is right.

Once his Aunt Stella goes down the stairs in that wheelchair

and exactly mimics the scene from "Kiss of Death",

Eric realizes he can put his life in the movies.

He is real, and he does a series of cosplays

where he does not have murder on his mind,

like that psycho shower scene.

He uses a fountain pen

in the Dracula scene with the hooker.

That wooden stake is an accident.

But that then escalates to the "Hopalong Cassidy" scene

with Mickey Rourke on the Santa Monica pier.

And that probably wasn't intentional murder either,

if Mickey Rourke had not escalated it.

And by the way, the people who own

the "Hopalong Cassidy" character sued the producers.

Pretty huge lawsuit, and that had a lot to do

with the movie not getting the distribution it deserved

and not making money.

At any rate, after a hard day's work

doing advanced cosplay,

of course Eric would need to have sex with Marilyn,

and that's what makes him scary.

Now, you've had stalkers, right?

-Oh, yeah. -Um, how scary is that?

-It's pretty scary, honestly. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Just -- Just the fact

that they exist is scary, right?

-And they can find you so easy, yeah.

-Yeah. Let's talk about this. Rhonda.

Are you available? Rhonda? -Uh-huh. Yeah.

-Okay. -Rhonda.

-Come on. -Yeah.

-Come here. Rhonda.

You must be really enjoying the party.

-Oh, my gosh. Yes! It's amazing.

-All right, come on out.

I want to talk to you for a minute.

-We've missed you. Come on, come on, come on.

-Come on. Come on. -Help him, Rhonda.

Get out there. -I'm trying. It's so hard.

-We have to work. -It's so much fun out there.

Whoo-whoo! Okay. Sorry.

-Okay, Ronda, we're watching the part of the movie

where we realize just how intense Eric's feelings are

for the Marilyn Monroe lookalike,

played by Linda Kerridge.

And, um, you were from the era, and I'm from the era

when people had to write actual letters

if they wanted to talk to a celebrity.

And you were a kind of male fantasy woman on "Up All Night",

so did you get creepy mail?

-Yes, I did. They loved my feet.

They wanted to lick 'em and do other things.

And then, many times -- -They loved your feet?

-...they wanted to lick my toes in between.

But they would send a Polaroid. Remember Polaroids?

They would send a Polaroid of themselves watching me on camera

with their little happy Mr. Happy -- Mr. Happy Up.

And then Mr. Happy was really happy.

And then that was the photograph of me and Mr. Happy.

And -- And then they would send pubic hair

in the mail. -Pubic hair?

-Yes. I knew it. -U.S.A. wasn't --

-You could just tell the difference.

-U.S.A. wasn't intercepting this mail?

-No. It went right to a P.O. box

in Beverly Hills because I was making money off of it.

And they never knew that.

-You were making money off it? -Yeah. They don't care

because the show is over. [Laughs]

-Wait, wait, you were making money --

-Explain. -...making money

off the pornographic mail?

-Oh, no. Yeah. Kind of. Yeah.

Honey, if someone was sending you pubic hair,

you can make money off of it.

My sister was running the fan club.

She was sending used panties,

and she bought a house off of it. Mm-hmm.

-Your sister? -I'm proud.

-Your sister was opening all your mail?

-Yeah, she lives in a trailer. What do you want?

[Laughter]

In Louisiana.

-Did you get letters like this?

-We bet still, like... I mean, they're fast.

It's like all the DMs.

-Yeah. -All your DMs are like that?

-During the show -- -Mm-hmm.

-On Friday nights, we tweet along.

-During the show --

That's what you're looking at when you're looking --

-I have to answer everybody's --

I don't know what I'm opening.

And it's like, okay. -See? Yeah.

See, you've got that -- -Glad you like the show.

-Oh, so -- -I got snail mail.

-That's -- That's -- -That took more effort.

-Yeah. -Kudos for that.

-So that's instantaneous online stalking

is going on...? -Okay, I don't really

consider that stalking. That's more like --

-You don't consider it stalking?

-I got a gun once in the mail.

Uh-huh, I did. -Somebody sent you a gun?

-Somebody sent me a gun with the holster.

And, like, it was very cool, like,

everything that goes with it.

But I was afraid maybe he murdered someone with it,

so I had -- I was dating a guy

whose brother was in the FBI.

Oh, the partying. I'm sorry. I'm hoarse.

Anyway. So much fun back there.

I don't know what's going on in my throat.

Anyway, so the FBI brother checked it out

and it wasn't a hot gun.

And he said, "Can I buy it from you?"

I'm like, "No, if you don't want it, I'm keeping it."

'Cause the fan sent it 'cause he wanted me

to protect myself from people like him.

-From people like himself.

-Wow. -Okay.

Well, I know we got extremely scary mail at TNT

when I was there, and it was not always sexual,

but more often than not, it would have this kind of

sexual undertone to it.

The mail girls... The mail girls would get it.

Although, I had one real stalker.

Um, by male only.

Well, no, I had one real stalker

that was, like, a real stalker.

But then I had three stalkers by male only.

So I'm figuring that if males get that much attention,

females must be just miserable. -It's insane.

-Yeah. -It's insane. My address is --

-And I started -- -What? No.

-I started -- and LA is like this --

-I used to get gifts, too, so I'm kind of, like, really bad.

I didn't wanna be stalked, but I used to get --

I used to get high heels and cashmere coats and champagne.

-That is very puzzling 'cause it's, like,

why do you have my address? But also, thank you.

-Well, they sent it to the P.O. box.

So I'll get all these gifts in the mail.

And I used to have this set that was a bed,

and all the little teddy bears would sit on the bed.

-Wow. -Oh, wow.

-And the shoes, I always gave my size,

because if they were going to send shoes,

I wanted them the right size.

Hopefully it was a red bottom. -[Laughs] Okay.

I started getting mail, fan mail from a guy

who was in the penitentiary. -[Gasps]

-He was writing from the penitentiary in California.

-I've seen a ton of them. -And I will not use his name

because he'd probably like the attention

if I used his name, but it was --

-Maybe he's on death row. -No,

he was in the penitentiary

for murdering a person on TV

that he was obsessed -- -Oh, you win.

-...that he was obsessed with. -You win.

-You win. -And, I mean,

we had to tell Marcia Clark,

'cause she's prosecuted him and put him in the --

put him in the loony bin.

-Well, at least he was locked up.

-That's true. -He was locked up

but he was able to send mail like that.

-Yeah. -[Stammering]

-They can watch the show.

That's what's even better, 'cause they --

-How could he watch the show? That's --

-I don't know, but I got a great portrait once --

-He shouldn't be allowed to watch any TV

the rest of his life.

So how did you deal -- -Wait, I want to hear

about her portrait. -No.

This guy did a great portrait of me.

He must have gotten an 8 x 10 somehow.

Copied the 8 x 10.

It still hangs in my bedroom till this day.

It's beautiful. -Wow.

-Yeah, he's probably dead. It's okay.

-[Laughs] Okay.

So that's how you dealt with fan attention.

You just, like...? -I went with it.

-You just went with it? Okay. -It was only

when I was doing stand up comedy in Vegas.

And one showed up with a big bag,

and we knew he was one of my stalkers.

And I made my husband sit next to him,

and I wanted to see what was in the bag.

I was really afraid that maybe there was a gun.

That was before they, like, checked everything out

and, you know, had security.

And then he pulled out a big teddy bear

in the middle of my show. -Awe.

-And then once he saw me in person -- wait --

once he saw me in person

and it made it to real, it wasn't on TV,

I never heard from him again.

So no more shoes. -Oh, wow.

-Fortunately, our mutant family

here at "The Last Drive-In"

tends to want to talk movies.

-Oh, yeah.

-So...And how's that --

How is the party in there?

-Oh, my gosh, you're missing such --

You don't even know what's going on in there.

People are pregnant in there.

-[Laughter] -I have trouble doing the show

when I'm just buzzed on "Lone Star".

I can't imagine what's going on in that room.

-Yuki's hot. Hot. -Okay.

-Back to the movie.

We're getting out of control here.

Also, you talk about your stand up comedy.

We didn't really talk about that much before,

but that -- Stand up comedy gets you

really close to the audience.

They are -- They are right there.

-Really close, yeah.

-And a lot of times, you can hear every word

that they're saying at the little table.

-So, I always got the women to laugh first,

'cause when I was doing it,

there wasn't as many women wearing beaded low cut gowns.

So I made the women laugh and they --

Then once the guy got comfortable,

they were able to laugh, too.

That was my way. -Oh, okay.

Because there was a lot of anti-male jokes.

-No, no. Actually, no. I wasn't --

No, I love men.

I talked about loving men and how to get men

as opposed to all the -- the comics that hate men

because they really couldn't.

-I feel like it's more people who are intimidated.

-Exactly. -Did you enjoy stand up comedy?

-I loved it, and people still ask me to do it,

and I kind of do every time I sell a bra.

-Okay. -[Laughter]

I have a question. Why do people

who don't speak English go to comedy clubs?

Because I'm having a post traumatic flashback to one night

I was doing -- A Japanese tour bus

arrived for the midnight show that I was doing.

It was -- It was like kind of a life changing moment for me

'cause they didn't understand anything I said.

-But they love it. They probably laughed.

Ha-ha. You know, they laughed. They love it.

-They only laughed -- I had to --

I realized they would laugh if I said fuck.

And so, I just started saying fuck every five words.

And then they were -- then they thought

that was hysterical. -Not a bad idea for the show.

-Yeah, it's such a great word.

-Alright. Fuck. -Fuck.

-And by the way, people that curse more,

they say are the most intelligent.

So I just thought I would bring that up.

-Oh, really? -Well, fuck.

Okay. -Fuck that.

-Fuck me. -Then, I guess --

-We could never say that on "Up All Night".

[Laughter]

We could only imply it. -Okay.

I won't interrupt your party going any longer.

-Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad --

-You can return to the -- -I have to leave.

-You can return to the -- -I need more

Yuki Yuki Wookie Wookie.

Whoo! -[Laughter]

-I still have a little bit of "Up All Night" in me.

-Yuki is very popular. -[Laughter]

[Dance music plays]

-[Static] -[Thunder crashes]

♪

[Static]

-[Sighs]

-What the hell is the matter with you, Binford?

I could have you arrested for stealing company property.

-I needed wheels and something to do.

-Oh, I see, that's an answer.

Why don't you buy a car with the insurance money your aunt left?

-That's none of your business.

-You keep your goddamn hands off me.

You know, I've been hearing all kinds of things

about you lately, Binford.

-You mean, like my wedding?

-Now, that is one I haven't heard.

I can't picture the creature who'd want to marry you.

Tell me, who is this unlucky girl?

-She's a famous actress.

-And who might this famous actress be?

-Marilyn Monroe. [Blows]

-Oh, shit. Hand over the keys. Binford.

-The name's Cody. Got me.

-Oh, snap out of it, punk. Your name is not Cody.

-Cody, Jarrett. And don't ever forget it.

-Get your goddamn hands off me and get the hell out of here!

You're fired. -Too late. I quit.

-Okay, so where do you think you're going?

-Out of my way.

-This is my place of business. And you're not going inside.

-Mr. Burger.

My posters are valuable originals,

and I want 'em.

-Well, you forget 'em

'cause anything inside belongs to me.

It might help to pay for some of your screw ups.

Nobody pushes Cody around.

You'll be sorry, Big Ed!

-You get off my property, you little jerk!

Who needs you?

This is the best thing that could have happened to me!

Why, you rotten son of a bitch!

I'll have your ass for this! [Coughs] Your ass!

You hear me?! You little bastard!

[Spits]

[Pills rattling]

You rotten little bastard.

Where do you get your goddamn nerve?!

Who does he think he is?!

Who the hell does he think he is?

[suspenseful music]

♪

[Printer clacking]

[Footsteps]

-[Sharp clank] -Mr. Berger, sir.

-Jesus Christ, Sam.

You scared the shit out of me.

-Could I go out for some coffee, sir?

I'll only be a minute. -Yeah, alright. Go ahead.

You better get me a cup, too.

-Uh, you want, uh, cream and sugar?

-No, make it black.

I'm gonna be here half the night,

correcting these invoices that Binford loused up!

-Y-Yes, sir.

-And, Sam!

For God's sakes, wear a bell!

[Papers rustling]

♪

[Metallic creak]

♪

Sam, you still here?

♪

Is anything working right around here?

♪

Is anybody there?

♪

Oh.

Control yourself, Berger.

God damn it. Get ahold of yourself.

♪

♪

[Film cans clattering]

Jesus!

♪

Is anybody there?!

♪

[Film cans clattering]

Damn stock boys!

[Film cans clattering]

No lights in here, either?

What the hell's going on in this place anyway?!

[Electricity crackling]

God almighty.

What the -- [Panting]

Ooh.

Ooh.

[Panting]

Huh. Sam!

♪

[Grunts]

[Bottle clatters]

♪

Oh, my God.

♪

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

♪

Oh, no, no, no.

Get away! Get away!

[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

[Film cans clattering]

♪

[Groaning]

♪

♪

[Grunting]

♪

Get away from me! Get away from me!

♪

♪

[Groaning]

♪

-[Laughing]

♪

-But instead, let's get to the hot news for the viewers.

I love your new film, Gary.

-Well, that's really nice coming from you, Eve.

I'll tell you, it was a tough film to make.

And we got mixed reviews, but I'm very proud of it.

-Now, how do you get that special chemistry

in your films, Gary?

They're all so distinctive.

-Well, I think you just have to have a feel for it,

and I think I have that feel.

You just have to have a gut instinct.

-That's great.

Now, what's next on your breakneck schedule?

-Well, I'm glad you asked me that, Eve.

It's... [Clears throat]

...a real departure for me,

a grassroots story called "Alabama and the 40 Thieves."

-That sounds fascinating!

Now, where do your ideas come from,

if you don't mind my asking?

-Oh, wow.

Well, in different ways.

This time, uh, let me see.

I was feeling kind of down, and I went out and bought

a 1934 Auburn Speedster.

-A car?

-Oh, yeah.

And it just flashed on me when I was driving home

after a meeting with Dick and David.

You know, as a matter of fact --

-Oh, how time flies.

Gary, thank you so much for coming and sharing

your insights with us.

-Well, my pleasure, Eve.

-This is Eve Christopher thanking you for watching.

And remember, Hollywood, I love you.

-Floor is clear. -Clear, boss.

-How'd it go?

-Oh, they'll love it in Chicago.

-Phone for you, Mr. Bially.

It sounds urgent. -Right.

-Go ahead, Gary. Lunch tomorrow.

-Sure. Sushi. -Ciao.

-Hello?

-Oh, hi. Is this Gary Bially?

-Yep. -It's Eric Binford.

"Alabama and the 40 Thieves."

-Test 31 up there.

-Oh, you must be mistaken, friend.

I've never heard of you.

-Remember, you picked me up, hitchhiking?

I gave you the whole idea for my movie.

-Well, firstly, son, I never pick up hitchhikers.

And, secondly, we never accept outside material.

-Ah, look, you said that I ought to call you and --

-Look, I'm sorry, pal.

I'd love to help you, but I can't.

-Sure.

-Bye, now. Take care.

-Yeah. Bye.

-[Phone rings] -Mr. Bially, I --

-Please deposit 25 cents for overtime.

-Great Big Ed. [Chuckles]

You know why they call him that?

Because his ideas are big.

Someday he's gonna get a really big one about me.

It'll be his last.

-[Laughs]

[Dramatic music]

♪

You dirty rat.

♪

-♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ That nobody can deny

-Oh, you shouldn't have, really.

-[Laughs]

-Make a wish. -Okay. Mm.

[Blows sharply] -Ooh! [Laughs]

♪

-That feels like shoes. I need them.

Ah, Gucci! Fantastic!

Oh, well, they're 9 1/2's. Well, that's alright.

I can exchange them. No problem.

-I didn't know the size.

-Come on, sweetheart. We got work to do.

♪

-"Happy birthday to you from us."

[Chuckles]

"Is there something very special

that you'd like your day to bring?

Well, here's a wish right from the heart

for just that very thing.

Happiness always."

Aw, that's great. Really.

I hope I have it. Yeah.

Yeah, really.

[Dial clicks]

[Gun cocking]

-Happy birthday, sucka!

-[Laughs] A real-life birthday card!

Shit! Which one of you jokers is responsible for this?

[Laughs] That's great.

Bob? Tim? That's too, too much.

-Everybody out!

-[Laughs]

-[Rapid gunfire] -[People screaming]

-That's, uh -- That's pretty good.

Heh heh. Hey, uh, who hired you, huh?

-Never mind that.

Stay put, big shot.

-Hey, uh, I think

you're carrying this, uh, gag a little too far.

-Sure. It's gonna be a lot of laughs.

Try thison for size!

[Rapid gunfire]

-Jesus Christ! What do you want from me?!

-Nothing much from you, you dirty rat.

In fact, nuttin' at all.

-Who are you?

-Me?

Nobody.

You remember.

You're somebody.

-Wait. You're making a big mistake.

I could do a lot for you!

-But not for long, mister!

[Rapid gunfire]

[Chair squeaking]

[Gun clicks]

♪

[Bird chirping]

♪

You got nice pipes, pal!

Drop by the club sometime.

Maybe I can do something for ya.

[Static]

[Upbeat rock music playing]

♪

[Laughter]

♪

♪

-The 4-in-1 snack super stack!

[Cheers and applause]

-Okay, Sky Bar.

It was funny the first seven times,

but you got to stop doing that.

-Aw, no. We love you, Sky Bar!

-Please be annoying in the other room, okay?

-Aww. -It's not the real Sky Bar.

-Of course it is. -He appeared after I did

that Bloody Mary thing in the mirror.

-What does Sky Bar have to do with Bloody Mary?

-Absolutely nothing.

Maybe he thinks he's Bloody Mary. I don't know.

-Well, he's harmless. -I don't think so.

Anyway, the movie now becomes a series of cosplay set pieces.

Norman Bates in the shower,

Dracula and the prostitute scene,

Hopalong Cassidy on the Santa Monica pier,

the mummy at the film warehouse,

and one of those Pre-Code gangsters in the scene

with the movie producer in the barber chair.

On the night they shot the mummy scene,

Dennis Christopher pulled an,

"I'm not coming out of my trailer,"

because he first -- he got that mummy costume

that they bought him and it looked like

a cheap Halloween costume for kids.

And when Irwin Yablans showed up to find out

why Christopher wouldn't play the scene,

Irwin agreed with him, so the two men spent

a couple of hours gathering all the gauze

they could find and building the costume themselves.

It's evidence of just how much influence

Christopher had over the final film.

Okay. Let's get back to the movie.

And before you watch the spectacular conclusion,

I'm just gonna reveal that the original script

called for the final scene to be in a photographer's studio,

but Christopher said, "Nope.

The final scene has to be in the ultimate movie palace."

And that's where they ended up shooting it.

So...roll the film.

You live right there by Hollywood Boulevard.

Um, do people still go to the big movie palaces

on opening day to see the latest movie?

-I know I do.

-You do? -Yeah.

-Ah. That must be the last place in America where you can do that.

Even if you have a big summer blockbuster opening,

you know, you just go to the 16-Plex at the mall.

There's no big movie-palace option

in all the other cities in the country.

And that's sad. -Even in New York?

-Um...

I don't think they can in New York

because they tore down all the huge auditoriums.

You know, the thousand- two thousand-seat auditoriums.

Uh, Earl's converted them back to legitimate theater.

On 42nd Street, you got the AMC Empire --

25 screens,

you got the Regal Times Square --

13 screens,

including one of those 4DX auditoriums.

I hate those things. -[Laughter]

-Um...The Times Square Theater is just sitting there.

They got an auditorium there

with more than 1,000 seats in it.

That thing has been vacant since the 80's.

The city took it over, you know, neighborhood rehabilitation,

and they took it over from that company that was showing

always three Kung Fu hits.

That was a-- That was the only thing

that was ever on the marquee -- always three Kung Fu hits.

We could've had 40 more years of always three Kung Fu hits.

But no, it's an eye sore.

The city has to shut it down and leave it empty.

You know, it's an abomination.

They showed a lot of horror there, too.

-Hollywood Boulevard can get pretty run down too, though.

-But then it makes a comeback, right?

Without an meddling politician helping it make a comeback,

you know.

Eric would be appalled of 42nd Street.

Two of -- Three of his cosplays, actually, have been horror.

-I know. -[Static]

[Thunder crashes]

[Static]

-God, these people around here. They've all got brain damage.

-[Laughs]

-You brought us down here.

-[Laughs] Oh, well, it's good to go shopping here.

It's real big. -Your favorite hangout, huh?

[Both laugh]

-Oh, God.

-Hey. This is cute.

-Oh, Marilyn. You don't need another t-shirt.

You've got enough for three baseball teams.

-[Groans] Just 'cause you invest all your money

in gold and silver, doesn't mean

now I have to dress like an orphan.

-Okay. Suit yourself.

-Hey.

Look at these photos. These are wild.

They're by the same guy that wants me for this modeling job.

-What job? -His secretary called me

at the skate shop and said that they wanted a model

that looked like Marilyn Monroe.

-Ah. When? -Tonight.

-Mm-hmm. Well, you're not going alone.

-Well, yes, honey. You've got a car, and I don't.

-Oh. [Laughs] Marilyn, you're one of a kind.

-Mm. You said you're my best friend.

-Alright. I'll go with you. We'll check it out.

There's a lot of phony photographers, you know?

-Sounds quite legit, if you ask me.

-You know, you're so naive.

-Thanks.

-I wonder if there's prizes for these things.

-I think we got ourselves a real wacko here.

-Captain, listen to me. Binford is not crazy.

He's a victim of this society. Believe me.

-That's beautiful -- the man runs around

in a Dracula and a Mummy outfit killing people,

but he's okay.

-Oh, geez. -Captain Gallagher,

most of his stuff's been moved out,

but we found these pictures and this.

-M-May I see those, please? -What for?

-It's police business.

-All film related, yes? -Right.

-Eh, why don't you bag these? I'll take a look at 'em later.

-Yeah, okay. -Alright, let's wrap it up here.

-Captain Gallagher, call the station immediately.

We've got further information.

[Car engine starts]

-Why do you think he covered up the street sign with this?

-99 River Street.

You can damn well be sure it has something to do with the movies.

Alright, now look at this.

Why do you suppose Binford changed his name to Jarrett?

-Yeah. Yeah, this is it. Blow-Up Photo Studio.

Hey, look at that funny old car. It must be a prop.

-C. Jarrett. Is this the place?

"To enter, press asterisk, pull open door."

[Door buzzes]

Wow. What a layout. [Chuckles]

Why, maybe this guy's legit after all.

-Of course he is.

All these high fashion photographers sleep all day.

They work all night. Oh, do I look all right?

-Yeah. You look great. I'll pick you up later.

-Do you have to go now? Can't you stay a minute?

-You'll be alright. -Thanks for the lift.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Good luck. -I'll need it.

-[Laughs]

[Classical music plays in background]

-Jerry, my shift has been over for hours.

Can't we stop for a while?

Every cop in the city is looking for Binford's Packard.

-No way. I'm not gonna let Gallagher beat us.

-Come, 19.

[Camera shutter clicks]

-How do you do?

So good of you to come on such short notice,

Miss Marina.

-I did some research at the academy.

You know what I found out?

Cody Jarrett was Cagney's name in "White Heat".

-My name is Marilyn O'Connor. And who are you?

-I am the regent of Carpathia, Prince of Hungary.

-What? -No cause for alarm, my dear.

For tonight, we shall recreate the prince and the showgirl.

-You know, Gallagher and I found out something, too.

Stella Binford was Eric's mother, not his aunt.

It seems that she got knocked up

back when a scandal like that could ruin her dance career.

You know, she never told Eric the truth.

-Christ, Binford never had a chance.

Poor little weasel.

[Cork pops]

[Classical music plays]

♪

♪

♪

[Glasses clink]

-Tears mud in your eye.

[Chuckles]

-Most amusing.

♪

-The time is 1911.

-The city, London.

We are destined to meet.

You are the beautiful American showgirl.

And I...

am but a lonely prince.

♪

-At first, I resist you.

♪

-But fate...

takes a hand.

♪

-[Exhales deeply]

But I know who you really are.

-Why is there so much traffic tonight?

-7-4-3, all units, unconfirmed sighting,

1934 Packard.

Proceed to 1-9-0-1 Drive.

-Suspect -- -That's right around here.

-I know a short cut. -[Siren wailing]

[Instrumental music plays]

♪

♪

[Engine shuts off]

-All units 1934, standby.

♪

♪

-Eric Binford.

-Where are you?

Who's that?

♪

♪

-Wake up.

It's over.

-Jerry, what the hell do you think you're doing?

[Thudding on door]

-[Shouting]

-Drop it. -No!

Stop right now.

You're Eric Binford.

We can help you, Eric. -Who?

-Binford, you're out of your fucking mind.

-[Laughs]

Who the hell is Eric Binford?

-Come on. You and your goddamn therapy.

-Get me to the car. -Okay. Get up.

Lean on me.

[Up-tempo music plays]

♪

-Oh, my leg. -Are you gonna be alright?

-Yes, yes. Fine. I'll make it.

-Why do you think they're on Hollywood Boulevard?

-Because his whole life is a movie.

♪

♪

-There he is.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Jerry, be careful. -Binford!

Binford, hold it.

♪

-Don is gonna be here in three minutes.

He ordered us to wait.

-Jesus Christ, Anne, why didn't you give me a chance

to get ahold of him first, huh? God damn it!

♪

[All gasp]

-[Laughing]

♪

-[Woman shouts]

♪

-Eric! Eric Binford.

Let me talk with you.

-I don't need to talk to you.

-Please, let her go.

-Forget it. She's mine.

-Eric. Trust me. I'm a friend.

I-I know all about you now.

-You don't know nothing. See?

You're nothing but a stinking copper.

I own this place.

And nobody, nobody takes Cody alive.

[Glass shatters]

[Laughs]

[Ominous music plays]

♪

Oh!

♪

No! No!

No!

♪

[Sobbing]

Oh.

-It's alright. You don't need this anymore.

♪

-Run, lady! Run!

[Tense music plays]

♪

♪

[Siren wailing]

♪

♪

-Where is he? -Inside.

-Captain. -Everybody in position?

-Got four men in the courtyard room inside.

-Fine. Now listen to me.

Nobody fires unless he fires first.

Do you understand?

♪

-Sherlock. You finally got the slimy bastard cornered, right?

-Captain, listen, no matter what he is,

try and remember he's only a sick kid who needs help.

-That's what I'm here for, to help him.

♪

-[Sighs]

[Sirens wailing in distance]

[Indistinct shouting]

♪

♪

-Hell, man, you can't kill Binford in cold blood.

-We're not gonna do that, but if he fires at anyone,

you'll be the first to feel his pulse.

♪

-Whoa. Look at him. -[Gasps]

-He's there! -Get the hell out of the way.

[Indistinct shouting]

Get 'em back!

♪

-Eric! Give yourself up!

-Get the hell out of there!

Get out of there!

-This is it.

It's Hollywood.

Look at those ants down there.

You little switch.

You don't know your own mind.

You can't touch me.

Not now.

[Helicopter blades whirring]

♪

♪

[All shouting]

What are you doing? Didn't you hear what I...?

♪

-God. -Get those people back.

Get 'em back!

How did you know how to shoot?

Can't take Cody Jarrett alive.

Don't you know that?

You can't take Cody alive!

-Stop it!

♪

Please. Please. Come with me.

[Door opens]

-There's still something more I gotta do.

-Here's to us. Top of the world.

-We're always gonna be together, sweetheart, just take these.

♪

-[Sobs]

♪

[Banging on door]

♪

Open the door!

♪

-This is my story.

This is Arthur Cody Jarrett.

And this is my story.

♪

Alright.

I can't keep 'em waiting.

♪

Nobody waits for me.

♪

[Sobbing]

♪

-[Laughs drunkenly]

[Indistinct, worried chatter]

-Where the hell is he now?

♪

♪

♪

-There he is.

♪

-Eric! There's still time. -He points that weapon

this way, you hit him, you understand?

You hear me? He points that thing, hit him.

-Gallagher -- -Shut up!

♪

♪

[All shouting]

♪

-[Weakly] Those stinkin' cops [Whimpers]

didn't give me a chance.

♪

I'm ready, now. [Groans]

-Go to Jarrett. Remember, I'm a Duke.

[Indistinct chatter]

♪

I'm Prince of darkness.

♪

[Indistinct chatter]

♪

I'm little Caesar.

♪

I did too much.

-Made in fire!

-I finally made it, Pa!

-On top of the world!

-[People shouting] -Top of the world.

[Tense music plays]

♪

♪

["Heroes Die" by Craig Safan plays]

♪

♪

-♪ They were true ♪

♪

♪ Never lied

♪

♪ For us all

♪

♪ Heroes do not have the right ♪

♪ To die

♪

♪ Hope is born

♪

♪ 'Cause they live

♪

♪ To us all

♪

♪ Heroes have so much they have ♪

♪ To give ♪

♪

♪ They

♪ Play a part in all our life ♪

♪

♪ They made us believe ♪

♪ That all the hopes we had ♪

♪ Will never die

♪

♪ Where ♪

♪ Are all of our heroes now?

♪

♪ Why did they decide to go

♪ Just when we need them so?

♪

♪ Children dream ♪

♪ Mothers weep

♪

♪ For they know ♪

♪

♪ Heroes really are not ours

♪ To keep

[Static]

♪

[Thunder crashes]

[Static]

-And so Eric gets his last big speech from "White Heat"

and a spectacular dying scene

from the roof of Grauman's Chinese Theater,

which was called Mann's Chinese Theater

at the time because it had been sold to Ted Mann

and was, frankly, kind of a derelict place.

They made it look good in the movie,

but the Chinese Theater and the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel

and everything else you see in that scene was basically a slum.

They actually had to repaint and fix it up

so that it would look like the spectacular movie palace

that it once was.

And there was supposed to be one more shot at the end,

where Eric's dead body is shown

next to the handprints and footprints of Marilyn Monroe

on the famous entrance to the theater.

She and Jane Russell are side by side

'cause they were invited to leave their prints

for the premiere of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes".

And you go to the Chinese Theater

all the time, right? -Mm-hmm.

-Have they had Corey Feldman put his handprints in the concrete?

-No, I don't believe they have, sir.

-What an oversight.

They still have the handprint --

They still have the handprint ceremonies there?

-They do. But it's not just movie stars anymore.

They have directors, they've got sports stars,

music stars, whatever. -I don't like that.

So I mean... So it's just random?

-Yeah. Sort of. Yeah. -Okay. That was off topic.

You like this movie? -Yes. What?

Yeah. I love this movie.

It's like a time capsule for a certain time and place

in Hollywood history.

-Well, "Fade to Black" premiered on October 17, 1980.

And then John Lennon was shot to death

by Mark David Chapman on December 8, 1980.

So that's another reason that maybe "Fade to Black"

didn't stay in theaters for very long.

The adulation of fans, uh, prior to the Lennon assassination,

was regarded as odd,

a little scary, but understandable.

You know, like, tens of thousands of people

mobbed the streets trying to see the beer

of Rudolph Valentino in 1926.

So we were used to stuff like that.

But after Lennon's murder, fan clubs became very sinister.

Alright.

Is the spooky Skybar still here? -[Laughs]

-Or... -Don't worry about that.

He is back there dancing with Felicity.

-Oh, Skybar. -Oh!

-Ooh, vanilla, peanuts -- -Whoo!

-[Laughs] -Oh, yeah.

Oh. I am a hot topping for you. Big and nutty.

-Okay. I just don't like it. -Okay.

Well, how about you read this letter

from Andrew Scheer of Rochester?

-Alright.

-It's a really good one.

-"Dear Darcy..." This is a letter to you.

[Laughter]

-"I just figured you read all these letters first

before you decide which ones to pass along.

By the way, you're awesome." -This is a good letter.

-Talking about you.

"And your cosplay game is strong.

There are way more mutants in the world now.

Proud to be mutants because of you.

As far as we're concerned, you're the only mail girl

that matters.

Keep on keeping Joe Bob in check."

Why are you making me read this?

-There's a point at the end. -Alright.

It's like a stealth attack on me through the mailbag.

"We love his rants, but some nights,

you're the only reason we eventually

get to see the movie." -Yes.

"Oh, and I love 'Perfect Blue', too.

Sincerely, Andrew Scheer, Rochester, New York.

P.S. here's a joke that I bet Joe Bob has never heard.

Feel free to sneak it into the end of a future show."

-It's a joke for you. -Okay, Andrew.

I guess you're gonna get your -- your wish.

Oh, man. The joke -- The joke has stage directions.

-It does. I wanna see this. Let's do it.

-Alright, let me see if I can do it.

I'm gonna try to -- I'm gonna try to do his joke, but it's --

-It's not gonna be worse than yours.

-It's got, like, hand motions and shit.

-It's gonna be great. -[Laughter]

-Bear walks into an ice cream shop

and the guy behind the counter says, "What'll it be?"

And the bear says, "I'd like two scoops

of chocolate chip cookie dough in a waffle cone..."

"...with sprinkles." -[Laughter]

He says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough

in a waffle cone..."

"...with sprinkles."

So the guy says, "What's with the pause?"

And the bear says, "It's 'cause I'm a bear."

[Laughter]

-Yeah! Andrew!

-Did I -- Did I do it? -Whoo!

-Did I deliver? -[Laughter continues]

-Man. This kid's got a big laugh.

-Somebody fucking loved it. -Got such a big laugh over here.

Okay. Alright.

My -- My jokes don't get that laugh.

Alright? -You should have him write in

more often. -Alright.

This is Joe Bob Briggs.

This is Joe Bob's Nightmareathon.

That's Darcy, the mail girl. -Whoo!

-We are about to watch "Children of the Corn"

after this next break. -Yay!

-And we're coming to you from Coweta County, Georgia,

where it's hotter than five fat guys in Speedos

on their way to the beach in a Mazda Miata.

But the Drive-In will never die.

[Laughter]

This was a movie with Marilyn,

so I think I gotta do blonde jokes.

-Go for it. -What was the only job

the blonde could get at the M&M factory?

Proofreader.

[Laughter]

Why did she get fired?

She kept throwing out all the E's and 3's and W's.

[Laughter]

-Really, y'all? [Laughs]

-Why didn't the blonde like to make chocolate chip cookies?

It took too long to peel the M&Ms.

[Laughter]

Why did the blonde have a sore belly button?

Her boyfriend was blonde, too.

-[Laughter] -Whoa.

-Oh. -Think about it.

-Okay. I was like, "What?"

Okay.

-[Static] -[Thunder crashes]

[Static]