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[laid-back tropical music]

[Susy] Stan, no.

[moans, laughs]

[Stan] Come on, Susy.

[heavy breathing]

[Susy] Oh, Stan, you are wicked.

[Stan] Oh, you don't half get me going.

[Susy] Oh, darling. Oh. [laughs]

No, stop it. [laughs]

We mustn't. Not ’ere. [giggles]

[Stan] Susy, please.

[Susy] We're only ’ere for five minutes.

[Stan] I know. I know. Come on.

Oh, I do love you Stan. You love me?

Yes, of course I do. 'Course I do.

Why can’t we get on? You’re due out.

Regulations. My driver’s carrying out an inspection.

How long is he gonna be?

Dunno, mate. But we can't leave till he’s satisfied.

[moaning]

You do love me, don’t you? You really do love me?

Yes, of course I do. 'Course I do.

And you will marry me one day?

Yes. You know I will, of course, I will.

Oh, darling! That means we're engaged.

Yes, we're engaged.

Wait a minute. What do you mean, we're engaged?

Now that you've asked me, you can have another kiss.

[muffled] No, I didn't. What I’m trying to say…

Don't misunderstand me…

God. I hope Stan hurries up. [sighs]

The passengers are getting a bit impatient.

[vehicle approaching]

[man] Here comes the one behind.

We’ve only got 20 minutes to get back to the depot.

Stan will never make it.

Cor, we’ve been here long enough. He should've made it by now.

[man getting off bus] Oi.

[conductor] Oh, God. Here comes Hitler. That's all we need.

[bell rings]

Oi! Oi! Why are you still here?

[bell rings]

No, no. The flippin' driver's not even in his cab.

There’s no point in ringing the bell for him to go.

-Go! I’m ringing for him to stop. -Eh?

Oh, Butler what was you doing upstairs?

-Oh… er… -Oh.

Oh, oh, that's it, is it? How dare you? Upstairs.

You know the regulations. You're not even supposed to eat your lunch upstairs.

I'm surprised at you, miss. Holding up the bus service so you can…

with him of all people.

It's all right, Inspector. We just got engaged.

Engaged?

To him?

Oh, God. [laughs]

Well what’s wrong with that?

In all the years I’ve known him,

he's never even managed to get his bus in on time.

[laughing]

Come on. Get these buses out.

See you later, Stan.

Come on. Hurry up.

-You’re 20 minutes late. -So what?

You two think you can do what you like with the buses, don’t ya?

Yep.

Go on, get your cab out of it.

I've had just about as much as I can take from yous two mutinous dogs.

-[sighs] -You’re defying me

and breaking every regulation in the book.

I'm making out a special report about you two.

[engine starts]

Hang about. Don’t let your driver go till I’ve checked your waybill.

-[rings bell] -[yelling]

[upbeat theme music plays]

[inaudible]

[tires screeching]

[crash]

[winding sound]

[laughing]

[whimpers]

-[music ends] -[indistinct chattering]

-Hello, Susy, love. -Hello.

Well, let me have a look at it.

Oh! Very nice.

-Stand up, then. -Eh?

Come on. Stand up.

Oh, you got it well in time, then. Doesn't show.

It's not like that.

Innit? Oh, you clever girl.

Listen, take a bit of advice from me, dearie.

Don’t give anything away until it's legal.

Well, I have got an engagement ring.

Look, love, I got five engagement rings but no husband.

What happened?

I’m too generous, especially after a few gins.

-[laughing] -Hello, Susy, love.

Hello, Stan.

Cor, I ain't half missed you.

[moans] So have I.

Oh!

Here… It's like catching a fish.

She keeps dangling the bait, but she won't let him have a nibble.

[laughing]

-Stan. -Yeah?

Have you found anywhere for us to live yet?

Yes, it's all fixed. Mom says we would live with her. [chuckles]

Oh no. I'm not hav­ing that.

I'm not getting married until we've got our own place.

Ain't it marvelous? I thought you'd be pleased.

Flats aren't easy to come by, or houses.

You just can’t pick 'em up like that, you know.

-You don't wanna wait, do you? -No, of course not, darling, but…

-Just think, all the fun we'd have. -[Stan mumbling]

Just the two of us alone.

-I know. I know. -Any time.

-Darling, don’t you see… -Any place.

[moaning]

[stutters, clears throat] Alright, then, I’ll tell Mom. She won’t mind.

[baby babbling]

Well, I don’t know how I’m going to manage when you go.

I can't stay here forever, Mom. Especially when I get married.

I don’t know why, just for a start. I mean you've got a lovely home.

[baby whining]

Oh, go on, darling. Do it for Mommy.

Well, I can't afford to keep your mother on my own,

not with your sister and the little one to support.

She gets her pension, don't she? And I could chip in a few bob.

Well, I still think you should stay here to start.

I mean Arthur and Olive are happy here.

[baby farting]

[whining]

Does he have to do that when I'm trying to eat?

What's the matter with him? He spends hours sitting on that pot!

Just like his father, ain't he? Too mean to part with anything.

[laughs]

How very funny. I'm getting a little tired of your crude remarks.

Well, you won't have to put up with them much longer

because soon as Susy and I find somewhere to live,

-[babbles] -I'm off.

Oh, love, aren't you going to have your bread pudding? It smells delicious.

[farts]

Yeah, I think it's fighting a losing battle.

[laughing]

Oh.

Ten minutes late. We might as well push off.

Yeah, okay, mate.

[Susy] Stan. Stan. Look.

Hello, Susy, I didn't know you were in.

-Look, I’ve found some new flats for sale. -Oh.

Look, they're ready now. Fifty pounds down.

-Pay off ten pounds a week. -Yeah.

You gotta put your name down before they've all gone.

I know, but it's a lot of money,

you see, love, and I’ll have to think.

Just fancy, Stan.

-The two of us. -Look I know, but…

-Alone. -Look, but 50 quid…

-In our own place. -Yes. Look but…

[moans]

Alright. I’ll pop in on my way home.

Oh, Stan! [moans]

[moaning]

Oh no. You two are not at it again, are you?

You don’t mind me kissing him goodbye.

Look, my dear, I wish to God I could kiss him goodbye myself.

Oh, Blakey. I didn't know you cared, dear. Ooh.

[laughing]

Get that bus out. Come on.

Bye-bye!

Mom! Mom! I've got the flat. Look, that's it there.

I'm gonna take the deposit round to­morrow. I've seen about the wedding,

and with any luck, I should be gone in about a fortnight.

-[chuckles] -[baby babbling]

What's the matter with everyone?

Why's Olive crying?

Arthur's got the sack.

He's what?

I have not been sacked. I have been made redundant.

Thank goodness you’ve got a steady job. We'll need every penny you can earn.

-But I'm getting married. -[babbling]

But you can't. Not until Arthur gets another job.

Well, blimey, if I wait for him to get a job, I’ll be past it.

No, I'm sorry, Mom. I've got my own life to lead.

It's the baby I’m worried about. I won't be able to give him enough food.

If he didn't eat so much, he wouldn't have to sit on that thing all day long.

-Stan. How could you? -Well, you know what I mean, Mom.

I'll see that none of you starve.

[babbling]

Oh, God, what a house.

I’ll have to go and tell them I can't take the flat.

Oh, I knew you'd see us alright, love.

There. Now, I’ll go and make the supper.

[chuckles]

I think I’ll put Baby in the high chair. He doesn't seem to want to.

Come on, darling.

There you are.

Mommy will get you a nice clean nappy.

-[farts] -[babbles]

[tense music]

[babbling]

What's that?

[coos]

[farts]

-[chuckles] Oh, you naughty little boy. -[baby crying]

The little rascal.

You never know what they're gonna do next.

Here’s the nappy.

You're too late. He's beat you to it.

[Jack] Having a bit of a rough time of it, ain't you, Stan?

-You can say that again. -[punch clock chimes]

I'm up to here with it.

Do you realize if Arthur don't find another job soon, I can't get married?

Yeah. Morning, Hitler.

-[huffs] -Here, who is this Mr. Jenkins?

That is the new General Manager

who has been sent down from Head Office

to help me to sort you lot out.

[laughing]

From now onwards, mate, these buses are going to be run properly at a profit.

-At a profit -[chortles]

Cor, blimey, that's a laugh. We’ve heard all that before, mate.

Yes, well, get in your bus, then. You're 30 seconds late.

-Alright, alright. -It's not alright.

-Inspector. -Yes, sir.

I’m gonna a look around outside.

I’ve been studying these time schedules.

Hardly any of your buses seem to run on time.

I know, sir, I know. I do my best. It is these drivers are so uncooperative.

That number 11 should've left by now.

Yes. I’ll tell them right away, sir.

Don't worry.

I will.

Good.

Yeah. I wonder what this new manager's like, then?

I don't know.

-Mind you, I've got to watch it a bit. -Yeah.

I don't want any trouble now I've got all the family to keep.

[Jenkins] Here, you.

Do you know when this bus is due out?

No. We haven't decided yet!

-What? -[chuckling]

Passengers have to wait outside for the bus.

How long will the next bus be?

About 38 feet.

Having any trouble, Mr. Jenkins?

Mr. Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins! Oh.

Who are these two layabouts?

Butler and Harper, sir. The worst in the depot.

I'm always having trouble with them.

Well, you'd better not have any more.

Scruffy looking pair.

[women laughing]

What about that lot?

-[laughing] -[Jenkins] You lot.

Come here.

[indistinct chatting]

Come on. Come on. We haven't got all day.

Look at them.

Now that I am taking over here, you are going to have to smarten yourselves up.

You're in charge. Look at them.

They're a disgrace.

You know the regulations about uniforms.

In future, you'd better see they stick to them,

or else.

Right. You heard what the manager said.

From tomorrow,

you will wear only the company's uniform. As supplied.

That's ridiculous!

Is it? Is it?

No more of these fancy shirts

or filthy sweaters. Or any of that flashy rubbish.

I mean, look at that. Look. Look!

I dunno how you get hold of such things.

Oh, it's easy. I'll show you.

Knock it off.

-[chuckles] -You lecherous moron.

You know what I mean.

Right. From now onwards,

you will wear only the Company's uniform, as supplied. Nothing else. Eh?

-Nothing else? -Nothing else.

Here now, Jack. We won't stand for that.

Ah, don't you worry, mate.

If they think they can order us about like that, they've got another thing coming.

[mischievous music]

[whimpers]

Cor. Cor. Here, I hope this works.

Look, he told us to wear nothing but our uniforms, didn't he?

That's what we're wearing.

I know, but blimey, this floor ain't half cold, ain't it?

[gasps]

What? It's only some sawdust.

It's not the sawdust. It's what's underneath it.

Oh, good. The other fellows haven’t let us down.

[Stan] That's it, fellas.

-You seen Blakey? -Yes. He’s snooping around somewhere.

Cor, I hope he hurries.

With no vest, this jacket ain't half irritating my chest.

If it's doing that to your chest, how do you think I feel?

-Eh? -I’ve got no underpants on.

[laughing]

It's alright for you to laugh. It ain't half irritating my… [inhales sharply]

-Cor, blimey. -You stupid or something?

I didn’t tell you to leave everything off.

-That’s what you said. -Oh.

-[Stan] Oh. -[Blake] Eh?

So, the new discipline's beginning to work, then?

Nice to see the first shift here on time, isn't it, eh?

-[guffaws] -That’s right.

[gasps]

What the…

Now, what's going on here? Now, where’s the rest of your clothes?

You told us to wear nothing but our uniforms!

Yes, but I didn't mean… mean nothing but your uniforms. I meant

nothing but your uniforms.

-[flirty music] -Morning, Inspector.

Morning, Inspector.

Oh, good morning, luvvies.

[breathing rapidly]

Oh no.

Oh no. Not you an’ all.

[shivering]

It isn't half cold with just this jacket on.

-[gasps] -Eh?

[chuckles]

Yes, very chilly. You are wearing some­thing underneath it, ain't you?

[chuckling]

Orders is orders.

-Look. -[laughing]

Oh.

No. Do your jacket up. Do your jacket, love.

-Oh, I’ve got goose pimples. -[laughing]

He knows. You've just shown him a couple.

[giggling]

Here… [rapid breathing]

You’re not all like that, are you?

[ladies] We are.

-Oh! Wow. -[men cheering]

-What the hell’s going on here? -[stammering]

We… It’s the inspector, sir. He asked us to come to work with no other clothes on.

-He what? -Oh, I think he’s lusting after my body.

-Him? -No. No, I'm not.

T-tell him the truth. Come on.

You told us to come to work

with nothing else but our uniforms. Didn't he?

[all] Yes.

You kinky or something?

-No! -Well, he does go a bit funny some­times.

[laughing]

It's his age. He’s a bit on the turn.

-[laughing] -Shut up. You've had your fun.

I'll deal with you later.

In future, I want you lot coming to work dressed like that.

She's going to have a job looking like that.

[crowd laughs]

Here, I thought this depot was fully manned.

I intend to expand the services, and I shall need new drivers.

Come into my office. And you lot…

put your clothes on and get back to work or I'll sack the lot of you.

[chuckling]

I’ll get you for this. You see if I don’t…

-[busy music] -[laughing]

-Hello, Susy, love. -Hello, Stan.

[time clock chimes]

I thought I’d catch you before you left.

Here, Stan, I’ve been thinking.

Your brother-in-law could get a job as a driver.

-Who? Arthur? -Yes.

Don’t be daft. He can’t drive.

Well, you could teach him.

Me? When? How?

When you’re out with your bus.

Oh no, I couldn't do that.

-No… -If you did Stan, we could get married.

Yes, well, I know that, but I mean… [mumbles]

-You do want to, don’t you, Stan? -Yes. [gulps]

Of course I do, but… Do us a favor.

Don’t do that when I’ve got this tight collar on.

Look, mate, I'm not a complete idiot.

You've told me a hundred times already.

-Alright, big head. -Let me get on with it.

Just going to show him the gears.

-[Jack] Okay, don't be long. -[Stan] Come on.

[Stan] Get in.

[Stan chuckles]

Cor, blimey.

Dunno about drive. He can hardly get in it.

Oh. Shut up!

Make sure it's in neutral.

That’s it. Right, now start it up.

[engine starts]

Now, then, have you got the idea?

Look, my dear good man, I do drive a motorcycle.

Maybe, but this isn't a motorcycle, is it? And I’m telling you,

the clutch on this thing’s a brute.

Right. Now stick it in gear.

[gear grinds]

Look, push the pedal right down.

That's it. Now, then…

Let it up very slowly… very slowly, releasing the hand brake

-at the same-- -[engine roars]

[yelling]

-[comedic music] -[grunts]

Stop, Arthur.

Wait! Stop! What are you doing?

Stop! [indistinct shouting]

Arthur!

Arthur!

Stop!

You stop shouting at me.

You stupid idiot!

Don’t you know the meaning "stop"?

I'm tryna stop it!

[brakes screeching]

The brake!

-[yells] -[crashing]

[chickens clucking]

Alright, Stan?

Give us a hand, Jack. Come on. Okay, pull him out. That's it.

Come on. Come on, mate. There we go.

[grunting]

-[gasping] -[muttering]

-Blimey, you do half pong! -[disgusted exclaim]

You idiot. What did you want to do that for? I might have been killed.

At least you fell in something soft.

-[laughing] -[misfortunate music]

[disgusted sound]

Oi, oi. Here, you, come on.

-I want a word with you. -[indistinct speech]

Come on. Why are you so late back?

Er, we got held up in traffic.

Right. I'm putting you on report. Up to the office.

Yeah, well, come on, er, we'll do it…

No. No. I want Butler an’ all. Get him out of there.

Er, in a minute.

Look, Blakey, come on. I'll help you make out the report.

I want Butler. Get him out of there.

[chuckles]

Eh. Oh no.

We starting that striptease lark again, are we?

No. It's nothing like that, Blakey.

-Where are your trousers? -Um…

What a horrible sight. [chuckles]

-What happened? -Well, er, it was an accident.

Yeah. It was an accident.

What kind of an accident?

Well, you know Badgers Lane, er, there's no facilities.

-Facilities. -So he had to go off behind the bushes.

Yeah, that’s it. [chuckles]

-Hey, and I fell in a ditch. -In a ditch, yes.

Are you sure it was a ditch? Oh!

[chortles]

I'd get cleaned off, if I were you, Butler.

I’ve put you on report, the pair of you.

Oh, Butler, I should cover my legs up if I were you, mate.

They don't do nothing for you.

[guffaws]

I could kill Arthur, getting me into this mess.

Well, don't give him no more driving lessons.

Well, I got to! 'Til he finds another job, I can’t leave home.

That's true. Still, I tell you what. He’ll be dead keen to learn now, won’t he?

I mean he’s got Olive and the kid.

I suppose you’re right.

He told me this morning he stays up all night worrying about them.

Mm.

[snoring]

[baby screaming]

Oh, blimey. Olive.

Olive, your baby's crying.

-Oh. -Ooh.

Well, go and see what he wants.

[sighs]

[Olive] There, there. Never mind.

Why does he have to keep on bawling like that all the time?

I never got a wink of sleep.

What do you mean?

The poor mite’s crying because you woke him up with your rotten snoring.

I do not snore.

Yes, you do. You snore like a great fat pig.

-I do not. -Yes, you do. All night.

[mimics snoring]

There, look, you’ve started him off again, you stupid great fat lump.

Don't you be so rude. Why do you always speak to me like that?

You do snore all night long.

[mimics snoring]

[indistinct shouting]

What's the matter with you?

Can't you do anything right?

Arthur's getting very good, isn’t he?

He’s been at it three weeks. He should be.

[Stan] You'll never learn.

Now, back it up to the stop, and be careful.

Don't worry.

[Stan] Right.

[Stan] Stop!

[Olive] Arthur.

You great big nit.

[laughing]

That put the wind up you, eh?

You nearly hit the bus stop.

Look, mate, I know what I'm doing.

Yes, of course, he does. He's very good, really.

Come on. Stan. We're due out.

Yeah. Now, pull it down a bit and get out that cab.

Alright, alright.

[engine rumbles]

-[Stan] No! -[pole snapping]

Oh, God. Look what he’s done.

Oh, dear!

You big-headed nit.

You and your "I know what I'm doing".

Look what you've done! You left it in reverse.

Oh no, I didn't. The gears slipped.

[scoffs] Now, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll stick it back in the pavement.

Oh don't talk out of the back of your head.

You need an elephant to lift this up.

Olive.

Give 'em a hand.

Stop being funny. Now, let's get out of here.

Just one moment, mate. What are you going to do about the post?

Ah, we'll say some hooligans did it.

Lot of stupid lads doing things like that these days.

You’re right. I've just seen one.

[Jack] Yeah.

Why don't you belt up?

Come on, Olive.

I’ll drive us home, Arthur.

Just a minute. I didn't know Olive could drive a motorbike.

No. Arthur’s teaching her so she can pick him up at the depot

when he’s on late shift.

I tell you what. If those two are going to be on the road,

I’m taking a job on the railways.

[starter motor fails]

Here. Let me do that.

No. I've got to learn.

You’ve got no idea. It needs a special knack.

I can do it. Leave me alone.

[pained scream]

What's happened? [whimpers]

You stupid great lump. Now, look what you've done.

You've broken the starter, haven't you?

How can you be so clumsy?

Clumsy! Hark who's talking. Who did that?

Never mind about that. This is going to cost us money.

-What’s he done now? -What's happened?

Well, look at that.

You'll have to lend me a few quid to get the bike home.

What? Oh no! There must be another way.

[upbeat music]

Jack.

The steering’s gone all stiff.

Look!

-Arthur look at that man. -[Arthur shouting]

[Arthur yelling]

[bell ringing]

[Olive] Arthur!

[yelling]

Arthur. Help. Help!

[struggles]

Olive, are you alright?

I'm stuck.

Good. Well, don't move. I'll see if Arthur's alright.

-Yeah, come on. -[Olive screaming]

Arthur.

Come on. Lift it. Lift it up. Get the tent up.

[Arthur] Oh… Oh…

Get… Get him off me.

Jack. Jack.

Oh, blimey, Olive's changed!

[laughing]

Here.

-Where is she? -Alright. Don't panic.

Olive's alright.

[screams]

What do you think you're doing bunging up my hole?

Arthur!

Cor, you don't half get some daft ideas.

I had to help him out, didn't I?

Oi, late again, eh?

Every time you get back from that Badger’s Lane, you're late, ain't you?

Well, it’s all the traffic.

Oh, traffic my eye. You never leave there on time, do you?

Well, I've got something says you do it in future.

What's that, then?

Come and have a look.

Here we are.

-What's all that for, then? -It's radio control.

Mr. Jenkins is having that installed to improve efficiency.

From next week, every bus is going to have that fitted.

I'll be keeping in touch all day.

Oh, God. That's all we need.

[chuckles]

There’ll be no arriving early at the turn round point and having a kip.

No leaving late and dawdling.

I won't give you a minute's peace all day.

[guffaws] Oh, God.

Where on earth have you been? I've been waiting hours for my lesson.

Look, since we've got this radio control in the cab, it's not easy.

Right, now get in.

[Blake] Inspector Blake here.

SB 17, have you arrived at Badger's Lane turn-round yet?

Blimey. Not him again.

See what I mean?

Stan Butler in No. 17. Just arrived.

Well, get back in your cab and drive off again, then.

Eh?

The bus in front of you has just broken down.

What?

Yeah. There’s a queue about a mile long waiting at Central Station.

That’ll keep you busy, won't it?

Oh, blimey, Jack. I'm fed up with this.

You've got the message, then?

[chuckles]

Any comments?

Yeah, only one.

[blows raspberry]

[laughs nervously] A little interference, I think, sir.

Oh, this is hopeless.

How on earth can you give me driving lessons

when that inspector keeps dragging you back to work?

He’s right, you know, Jack.

We’ve got to do something about this radio.

If the bosses can order us about like this all day,

life won’t be worth living.

Yeah. You're right, mate.

[mischievous music]

Hurry up before Blakey comes back.

Yeah. Alright. Alright.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Look, I was on radios when I done me National Service.

I've retuned all the circuits.

[chuckles]

There we are. He'll never get through to us on these wavelengths.

Now look, we'd better scarper,

get the bus out early.

Well, don’t mess about. Come on.

Yes, right.

[dramatic music]

-Er, we're off then now, Blakey. -Right.

You mean you're actually going out on time?

Yep!

Well, I knew there'd be some changes once I had that radio control, but…

I'll be checking up on yous in half an hour's time.

-Right-o. -Yeah.

That's made my day.

Hello, SB 17. Can you hear me? SB 17. Can you hear me?

Hello, SB 17. Can you hear me?

TS 14 here.

Fourteen? Oh, where are you, then?

-We’re parked behind the Rose and Crown. -What?

What you doing there?

We stopped here last night and picked up a couple of drunken tarts.

-Tarts? -Yeah!

We thought we might find a couple more here now.

What! You gone mad? You’re supposed to be going to the Gasworks.

Gasworks?

-Who's that speaking? -Your inspector.

Inspector? Must be something big.

Don't you get talking back to me. You get down to the Gasworks right away.

Yes, sir. Gasworks.

[siren wailing]

[chuckles nervously]

Sorry about that, sir. I'll tear him off a strip as soon as he gets back.

Don't mess about. Get hold of Stan Butler.

Yes, sir. Hello, Butler, this is Blake.

[chuckles] Cor, I forgot to press the button down.

Hello, Butler.

SB 17.

SB 17. Can you hear me?

Number 23 here.

Twenty-three?

You keep getting the wrong buses. Where's that one going?

Twenty-three, where are you?

I’m on my way to the station.

The station?

Twenty-three, you shouldn't be going to the station.

You should be going to Barnley Common.

That’s four miles away.

Don't you answer me back. This is your inspector calling.

Get down there double quick.

Oh yes. Yes, I'll catch a bus right away.

Don't you know how to work this thing?

-Well, it seemed alright to me. -Give me that mic.

SB 17, can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

[Jenkins] SB 17, can you hear me? Can you hear me?

SB 17, can you hear me?

Clipper Charlie Victor Two Seven here. Clipper Charlie Victor Two Seven here.

I am receiving you. Over.

Charlie Victor?

Is there a Charlie Victor here? Check that.

Charlie Victor, where are you?

Clipper Charlie Victor here. I am approaching London Airport.

What? What route do you think you're on?

We've just come in from Calcutta.

-Calcutta. -Uh…

They’re all taking the mickey. It’s planned.

You haven’t got any control over your staff.

[sirens wailing]

Number 14 reporting, Inspector. We’ve just got to the Gasworks.

Gasworks. Right. Well, you’re late, so get right back here to the depot.

Get back?

What depot?

The bus depot, you moron.

How do you expect me to run a bus service with you lazy lot?

Now, come straight back to the depot and report to Inspector Blake.

Don't you worry.

We'll be at that depot before you know it!

The depot.

[policeman] And what's more…

you could be charged with imp­ersonating a police inspector.

You could get five years for that!

And transmitting on a government frequency.

That could be another 18 months.

Here, I wasn’t the only one, it was…

-Eh? -[falters]

I’m making a full report.

In the meantime, this transmitter is not to be used.

-Understood? -Oh, definitely.

Don't worry, Officer, I'll see to that.

Yes.

-[Susy] Stan. -Hello, Susy, love.

Come here.

[moans]

Did you manage to give Arthur another driving lesson?

-Yep. -Yeah.

Ever since we fixed Blakey’s radio, it’s been easy.

-[chortles] -Will he get the job soon?

He’s got his interview tomorrow.

And he promised to stay up all night learning the Highway Code.

[snoring]

Arthur, you’re snoring.

Turn over. You'll wake the baby.

Arthur, turn over.

Get off your back.

-[Arthur yells] -[baby crying]

Have you gone raving mad?

You were snoring.

You've woken the baby.

I didn’t wake him. You did.

[baby screaming]

What’s the matter with him?

Go and see what he wants.

You go. He’s your child.

Look, shut up! Will you shut up?

Don’t you dare to do that. Get away from that cot.

Mom!

[Stan] What's going on? Will you both shut up?

It’s Arthur.

Can't you two keep quiet? Me and Mom's trying to get some sleep, you know.

It was Olive.

She went berserk, started to attack me.

I was only trying to turn him over.

You're wasting your time. He's the same both sides.

-Stan. -Well…

It was to stop him snoring. He's waking the baby.

I know. I've heard him. If you ask me, there's something wrong with his tubes.

There's nothing wrong with my tubes.

Then you must have an obstruction up your nose.

I do not have any obstruction.

Oh, come off it, mate. What about your operation?

Oh, that obstruction wasn’t up his nose.

It’s his nasal passages. They need tightening up a bit.

[scoffs] What a load of old rubbish.

It's not a load of rubbish.

As you get older,

you shrivel up a bit.

I have not shriveled up.

I don't know, love. I have noticed--

Will you belt up?

You two, clear out of here.

Can't a man have some privacy in his own bedroom?

[pained shout, shrieks]

You stupid great idiot.

Why don’t you empty this thing?

She don’t have to now. You've done it for her!

[laughing]

[babbling]

I hope Arthur gets that job.

The things I went through teaching him to drive.

Never mind, darling. I'll make it up to you.

Oi.

[chuckles]

They’re at it again, aren't they? Nibbling and licking one another.

[Jack chortles]

Alright then, knock it off.

I couldn’t have done it without Jack.

Anyone else would've shot me.

It’s nothing, mate.

Oh, I am grateful, Jack. Here.

She’s chucking it about a bit!

God help us in the hot weather.

[guffaws]

Cor!

-[Arthur] Stan. Stan. -What?

Well, that's it. I have been accepted.

Have you? Oh, that's marvelous.

Hear, Susy? He’s got the job.

Oh, smashing. You are a pet.

She can't leave it alone, can she?

Oh, put me right off me pudding, that has. Ho.

-Blakey. -Yes?

-Arthur got the job as a driver. -Eh?

No. Oh my God, not another one out of the same family.

Oh. Oh. That's done it.

I, er, I was told to give you this.

Eh.

Yes. It's official, alright. Oh well…

Go to the stores

and get yourself issued with a new uniform, eh?

Report back here for training duties.

Right-o, sir.

[grumbles]

[singing]

-Good boy. Do it for Mommy. -[whistling]

-Ah, there’s Stan. -[door clicks open]

I'll get his tea.

-Hello, Mom. -Hello, love.

-Hello, Olive. -[Mom chattering]

Hello, my sweetheart.

Hey, did you hear about Arthur?

Yes. Ain't it wonder­ful.

-'Ere, I knew he’d get the job. -Yeah.

He's just gone up to try on his uniform.

Has he? ’Ere, Mom.

-Get us a cup of tea. -[babbling]

Well, how do I look?

[chuckling]

Cor, blimey. [laughing]

Oh, that's great, that is.

I like the overcoat. Where's your jacket?

[Arthur] Don't be stupid.

This is the jacket.

Just needs a little alteration. I happen to have rather short arms.

I can see that. By the length of that jacket, you've got short legs and all.

Oh, look. Baby wants to see Daddy.

Oh.

Yes, well, there we are.

Oh, ain’t he sweet?

Sweet? Well, I wouldn't have said that. [chuckles]

I think he wants to put his Daddy’s cap on.

Oh. Ah yes, here you are, Son. There we are.

The little poppet.

Here, Stan, perhaps one day, he'll be a bus driver.

Well, he’s getting the right sort of training, ain't he?

Spends most of his time sitting.

-Well, he can't help that. -I'll get your teas.

Olive,

would you mind putting him down on the floor?

I don't fancy eating my tea with him on his pot up there.

Alright.

-Mom, will you have him? -[indistinct speech]

Yes, come on, my lovely. There we go.

Now that Arthur's bringing money in each week, I'll er…

be able to put my £50 down for the flat.

Well, I still think you could stay here for a bit at first.

I think your Susy's being very unreasonable.

Look, Mom. I can't start my married life in this house.

Not with Arthur snoring his head off all night

and little Arthur on the pot all day.

[babbling]

Oh, Arthur, look!

Eh?

Oh, blimey. Look, he's sitting on my new cap.

[chuckles]

The little darling!

[baby whining]

Oh. Arthur.

My new cap. I'll kill him.

[laughing] Now, don't do your nut. He's just Christened it for you!

It can go to the cleaners.

No, wear it! It might make your hair grow!

[indistinct talking]

[indistinct] Come on. Let's get some lunch, quick.

No, I'm skipping it today.

Look, we agreed we was gonna practice darts. The match is on Saturday.

We've only got a few days to go.

I'm going to the estate agents with Susy. I've got the 50 quid deposit.

[Susy] Stan! Sorry I kept you waiting.

Look, you're supposed to be practicing for the big night.

What d'you think I'm doing now?

[laughing]

[inaudible]

Not two hundred quid? I thought it was only £50.

Look, love, there's nothing I can do. I haven't got enough.

You promised we'd only have to wait until Arthur got a job.

I didn't know the prices were gonna go up!

I'll just have to save a bit more.

I've got to get back. I'll catch this bus.

-Well, I'll see you sometime. -Yeah, alright.

[sad music]

[engine rumbles]

Lousy, rotten buses.

[Jack] 'Ere.

[Jack] Right. Double 61, mate.

-Should be easy. -Right.

Oh, blimey, look. You busted.

Can't you concentrate?

Fat lot of use you'll be at the match.

Sorry, mate, but what with the estate agents and Susy, I'm…

absolutely fed up.

Oh, forget it.

It won't do your Susy any harm to wait a bit.

-It's not doing my darts any good. -I can see that.

What about those fish and chips? They hot yet? I'm starving.

Should be.

-They're not even warm! -Start the engine. That'll do it.

Here, wait a minute.

-We're due off. -Well, it don't matter.

Nah, you're right.

Anyway, who's gonna know?

The next bus isn't due, and Blakey's not gonna walk here, is he?

-[chuckles] -You're right there.

[horn honking]

Who's that?

[Jack] It's Blakey.

Quick, get down, mate.

Hurry up. We'll have to stall him.

Quick.

I've caught you, haven't I?

You were supposed to have left ten minutes ago.

Yeah, I know, but you see…

I had some trouble. That's why I'm running the engine.

-Oh. -Yeah, but it's alright now.

Okay.

See the van?

The manager gave me that so I can check up on you two any time I like.

When you're least expecting it.

Better than radio control, eh?

Right, you go back to the depot, mate.

I'm getting on the bus with these two.

Come on!

-What about the dartboard, fish and chips? -Oh, leave it for now.

As soon as he gets off, you stop, and I'll get rid of it.

[Blake] Come on!

So, Blakey, erm, how far you going?

All the way back to the depot.

[silly music]

[bell rings]

[Stan] Oh no!

Oh, that's done it.

[workman yells]

Oi!

What's happening?

Nothing. It's the engine. It's running a bit off.

Well, that's not normal, is it?

I'll get one of the maintenance men.

Smells a bit funny an' all, doesn't it?

-Quick, get the chips out. -[mutters]

Oh, blimey. They're alight!

He's coming back. Quick. Chuck 'em.

It's alright, Blakey, I found out what the trouble was.

It was an oily rag on the manifold.

Well, it smells a bit like a--

Oh my God, look. There's a fire in the inspection pit!

Quick! Get the fire extinguisher.

[Jack] Yes, sir.

[Stan grunts]

-[Stan] Wait! -Hurry up!

Don't stand there like an idiot! Give us a hand, will you?

-Come on! Bring it over here! -Alright!

[clattering]

[grunting]

Come on. Hurry up!

Alright! I've gotta read it!

It says, uh…

Stand nine feet away from the fire.

-What's nine feet? -Back here.

-That's about it. -Right here.

Then point the nozzle at the flames… [grunting]

Stand back. Stand back!

What happened?

More! More!

Can't, that's the lot.

Look at the flames! Turn the alarm, quick!

Where is it?

[bell rings]

[bell stops]

Oh, it's lost its dinger.

Oh! Oh look…

It's gonna burn the bus!

Get the hose and turn the water on.

-Come on. -You turn it on!

-[Jack] Hurry up! -[Stan] Give it here. Turn it on.

[Blake] Come on!

[Stan grunts]

-Hurry up! -I can't, it's jammed!

Pull it harder, then!

Wait a minute!

Now, look what you've done. Look!

Don't turn the water on!

I can't, it's rusted up.

Oh…

[panicking] Look at the fire!

Don't panic! Don't panic!

[panicking] I'll phone the fire brigade.

[yelping]

What's going on here?

Don't just stand there! That bus will catch fire!

Move it out of the way.

Yeah, in a sec.

[Jack yelps]

You get that bus out!

-Yes, sir. -Go on! Get a move on!

And don't argue!

[Stan yelps]

[Jenkins] Go on. Back it out!

Get it moving!

[Jenkins] Before it goes up in flames.

Come on. Straight back. Keep it going.

Keep going. Straight back.

Come on. That's right.

Keep it going. That's right.

Oh, God!

[laughing]

What was that sound? Oh… My van…

[yells] Butler!

[whimpering]

[mumbling incoherently]

I only just got it today!

It's alright! They can straighten it out!

Can't they?

[incoherent angry moaning]

Oh, blimey.

Makes life very easy for me, just starting

when my brother-in-law bashes in the company's new van.

It was an accident, wasn't it?

My dear man, you should've looked!

Don't tell me how to drive.

I've been ten years at this game, so shut up.

Arthur, as you're on the first route tomorrow,

don't you think we need an early night?

Eh?

[clears throat]

Yes, alright, sunshine.

That's a good idea.

Good night, Mother-in-law.

-Good night! -Good night.

Good night.

Oh, ain't it lovely?

Married all these years and it's made no difference to their love.

Yeah, you're right.

Two minutes and he'll be snoring.

-[chuckling] -'Course he won't!

Anyway, Olive thought of something to stop him sleeping on his back.

I can't find my pajama jacket anywhere.

Oh, no, love, it's here.

Oh. Thank you.

[humming]

Here… There's some things on my back.

-Oh yes, love. -Well, what are they?

Balls.

-What? -Tennis balls!

It's to stop you snoring! So you won't sleep on your back.

Have you gone raving mad?

Take them off!

I'm not going to bed with those things on my back.

-But they're supposed to work! -Take them off!

Mom! Mom!

You must be out of your mind, girl.

What is it, love?

Mom! He won't wear them!

But it always works, Arthur!

It's to stop you waking the baby!

You look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame!

[giggles]

That's it. That is it.

Take them off.

I'm not going to bed with balls sewn on my pajamas.

I'll tell you what, Arthur.

If you don't want them on your pajamas,

stick 'em in here. You can wear this back to front.

[laughing]

Shut up.

[indistinct chattering]

I've been round all the agents.

And there's nothing here I can afford.

-I'll just have to save up a bit more. -Well, I suppose so.

At this rate, we'll never get married.

Yes, we will!

Oh, come on. Cheer up, love.

Tell you what. I'll get you another cup of tea, eh?

[Stan] Two teas, love!

Well, I've been allocated my first route.

[giggles] The inspector's put me with him.

Yes.

I'll get you a tea, my dear.

-Two teas, please. -I'll get some fags.

Fancy giving you nymphy Norah.

[chuckles]

What's wrong with her?

She's worn out more drivers than the five o'clock rush hour.

-[chortling] -Oh.

Well, the inspector told me that she'd show me where to stop.

Blimey, she won't stop til you get there!

It's been so long since he's been there, he doesn't know the way!

-Here's your teas, mate. -Thanks.

Are you coming to the darts match, then?

-Oh, I don't know, I've got-- -Well, I wanna go.

And you know a driver always has to take his clippie.

Come on.

Oh… Well, of course I, uh…

I must do what's expected of me.

Come on.

She'll kill him.

-If she don't, I know who will. -How d'you mean?

I asked Mom and Olive to the match.

Blimey, should be a right old punch-up.

[chortling]

[indistinct chattering]

[crowd cheering]

You enjoying yourselves?

Oh, it's lovely, ain't it? Here, what's happening now?

The last game's a draw, so it's a play-off between us and management.

[laughs] Oh!

Oh, Jack, lovely!

Stan and Jack are doing very well.

So's Arthur, with that clippie of his.

I dunno what he sees in that fat cow.

Oh, he must be drunk, love, making a fool of himself.

She's not our sort.

So common. [burps]

Oh, manners.

Here, I'll go and sort him out.

-[Arthur laughing] -Arthur!

My little Olive's very upset.

She's been alone all evening.

Cor, blimey.

When there's grub about, your little Olive is never alone.

-Oh! -[laughing]

We've got them on the run.

Take your time. Don't let them fluster you.

No, sir…

Right, darling, you know what to do.

Yeah, okay.

[chortles]

[cackling]

You missed!

Now, pull yourself together!

-You're doing it on purpose! -No, sir, I…

Never mind, Blakey!

Wait 'til they've fixed the light, then finish off.

-Another one, my dear? -Yes, please.

Vodka and tonic and…

[Olive] He's buying her another drink!

He has to buy me one, too.

[slurring] Now, love, you've had quite enough!

I've had enough of her!

Oh! Olive!

How about buying me a drink?

I will get you one in a moment. Kindly go and sit down.

Here. Smell my perfume.

You're wasting your time, dear.

Don't go to bed with him.

The only thing he's got that'll keep you awake is his snoring.

Will you shut up?

Blokes don't snore when they're in bed with me, deary.

You don't have to tell everybody, love.

They all know!

You cheeky cow.

Will you shut up?

My goodness, the drinks.

-Here you are, dear. -I'll have that.

You might have a job, but you can't afford drinks for her.

Don't touch that. They're mine! I paid for that round!

Oh, did you? Well, you can have it back, you tatty tart!

You bitch! Look at that, I'm soaked! It's ruined my dress!

It's alright. It's only a spot. Can I have a cloth, please?

She'll take it off for you. She does for every other bloke.

You think it's so funny? You have some.

Oh, the slut! I'll kill her!

Will you shut up, sunshine? You're showing us up.

Oh, shut up!

[crowd protesting]

Disgraceful behavior. I knew I should never have come.

It's just a misunderstanding, my dear.

[crowd arguing]

Right!

-Oh! -Oh! Oh, Son!

[gasps]

Are you alright, love?

Cor, blimey! What happened?

Help me! Come on!

-My dress! You old bag! -[fabric tearing]

Oi! Will you cover yourself up? You're showing your vest!

She called me an old bag. I'll murder her!

Butler!

Come on, Blake, Jack!

Arthur, get her out of here!

Get hold of her! Take her out!

[screeching] She called me an old bag!

Let me go!

Let me get her!

I know what's wrong with you, girl. You're on heat.

You want cooling down!

-[screams] -[cackles]

[indistinct speech]

[crowd laughing]

I'm sorry about that, my dear.

Come to my office. There's another towel there.

And I've got some brandy. It'll help warm you up a bit.

Blake!

Look after Mrs. Jenkins for me. Come on, my dear.

We'll dry you off nicely in the office.

Well, er… [laughs nervously]

Shall we, er… Would you like to go and sit down?

Through there.

Right, come on, you two! You're in this as well.

Now, listen.

We've spent a lot of money on this new firefighting equipment.

And each one of you has to learn how to use it.

-Hang about! We're busmen, not firemen. -Don't you start!

I've agreed this with the union.

If this place had gone up in flames, you'd have all lost your jobs.

We're not having that again.

The inspector will take you through the fire drill one shift at a time.

I've been waiting for you to get back to make a start.

You'll stay behind for an hour.

-I'll leave it with you, Inspector. -Yes, sir.

All gather round and pay attention, will you?

I want you all to read these instruction cards.

There you are. One each.

Give them out, will you?

I'll shift the bus and we'll make a start.

[muttering]

-Arthur? -Yeah?

You'd better tell Olive you're gonna be late. And God, keep the peace.

-[chuckles] -I suppose you're right.

What do you do if a fire breaks out?

-Run like hell. -Right behind you.

[indistinct radio noise]

[phone rings]

Hello? Yes, it's me.

Yes? It's Arthur.

What time will you be back then?

I don't know.

Look. You'll see me when you see me, won't you?

Look, I've got to go now. Yep. Bye.

Bye.

-Arthur says he's gonna be late. -Eh?

Yeah, says they've got a fire drill at the depot.

Oh, likely story! That's a lie if ever I heard one.

They've never had any fire drills down there.

He ought to have thought of something better than that.

-Do you think he's out with that woman? -Of course!

You should get down there as quick as you can and sort it out.

Right. I'll go on the bike.

Right. Now you all know the positions, right?

Now then, I give the orders. Right.

Right. Butler, sound the alarm.

[alarm ringing]

Well, move then. Come on.

Come on. Put it up now.

Move that there, like that. Left hand, hold it up.

-[inaudible shouting] -What's Blakey saying?

He's trying to tell them how to put the fire out.

-Oh. -Cor, blimey.

Down there. The fire's down there.

-[Blake] Stop the bell! -Eh?

Stop the bell. Stop the bell.

Oh!

Come on. Run the hose out quick. Hurry up.

-Butler, grab your appliance. -Eh?

-Grab your appliance. -Oh yes, alright.

Hurry up. Come on.

-Stand here. -Alright.

Right. Hurry up, then come on.

-Right, hold it properly. -Alright, alright.

-Right, more hose. -Alright.

[screaming in pain]

[laughing]

Oh. [panting]

Blimey, it caught me right between the eyes.

[cackling]

Oh my goodness. That was a most unfortunate accident.

[laughing]

So was that.

[Arthur stammers]

Cut it out. Give me that thing here, puppies.

Go and make sure everyone in the building heard the alarm,

-will you? -Yeah, come on, Stan.

You get the ladders and tell the First Aid to stand by.

Get that out of my face and down there!

How many more times I have to tell you? Imagine how the fire's down there.

[Stan] Everybody out.

Hey, you can’t go in there.

Why not? It's an emergency, isn't it?

-[cackles] -Oh yeah.

Come on. All out.

[shrieking]

What are you doing? Get out.

Fire drill. Stan’s gotta save you.

What? [screaming]

Come on. Save me.

Oh. Hey, Stan. Help me.

I can't. I've got my hands full.

Put me down!

Get out of here.

Stan! Come on!

[women shouting]

[determined music]

[rally music]

[Olive shrieking]

-[Jack] We've warned everyone. -[ringing]

Good. Right, now we’re gonna pretend

there's a fire in the inspection pit. Right…

Butler, I'm leaving you in charge of the foam-making machine.

You go and stand by the stop cock.

Stop that fire bell, will you? Oh!

Sorry!

Stop that fire bell.

That's not a fire bell. That's your telephone.

Oh. I'd better go. Right. Now, don't forget,

keep the foam directed into the pit, right?

-Alright. -I'm gonna keep you here all night

if necessary.

-Start it up. -Right.

[motor starts]

Right. Let’s have a bit of vacuum.

There you are. Right. Turn it on.

It's new. It's a bit stiff. Oh, that's it.

Is that enough?

Oh, blimey, that's nowhere near enough. Turn it on some more.

Cor, blimey this one's stiff.

Come here, this will do it. Come on.

There. There you are.

-That better? -Oh yes. [chuckles]

Yeah, that’s great, that is.

[Stan] Hey look at that! Look!

That's too much. I'll go and switch it off.

Yeah, okay.

-Where's the handle? -I chucked it in the pit.

You stupid idiot.

How am I going to switch it off?

[Jack] Come on. Hit it. Hit it.

Hurry up. Hurry up. Well, do something.

-Look at it… -Well do… Well do…

[panicked grunting]

Oh my God!

[Blake] Oi, what’s going on here? Switch it off. You gone mad?

We can’t switch if off. We can’t find it.

[Blake] Switch it off.

-We can’t find it. -[yells]

[cackling]

Old Blakey's fallen in the pit.

Now, don't muck about. He might have hurt himself.

Well, where is he?

[Jack] Blakey… Blakey.

[whimpering]

Blimey, he looks like the Abominable Snowman.

Don't worry, Blakey.

Give us your hand. I'll get you out.

[Stan yells]

[Jack] Hey, Stan, where are you?

-[Jack] Where are you? -[panting]

You alright, mate?

[comedic music]

[shrieking]

-[men laughing] -[Jack] Come on.

[shouting]

Stop mucking about, mate.

Here, give us your hand.

What the blazes?

[Jenkins] What are you playing at?

You! Go and turn off that foam machine.

We've a bit of a problem. We can't find it.

What? You get up there, find it, and turn it off.

Oh yes, you're right.

And that includes you.

Of course, yeah, I'll go…

-[rally music continues] -[tires screeching]

[Olive screaming]

[Jenkins] Go, get out.

-[Olive] Oh, help me! -Get out.

Hey, Arthur, that’s Olive.

[screaming]

What's she doing? Has she gone raving mad?

Stop it!

[Olive] Arthur, what do I do?

[Arthur] Put the brake on.

Watch what you’re doing with my bike.

Arthur, where’s the brake?

[Jenkins] Get out. No, no.

[yells]

[Arthur] Olive!

Oh no! No, no. Oh no.

[laughing]

Get me out of here. Get me out of here.

[Olive] Arthur!

-[man] Stop it. -[Olive] Stop it.

Mind that bike.

[Stan] Olive. Olive.

-Olive, are you alright? -What are you doing?

-Help, help. -Come on, sunshine.

-[chaotic music] -Give us your hand.

This is your doing, Blake. I know your handiwork anywhere.

-But… -Oh…

Get out of my way.

[Blake yelling]

[roaring laughter]

[fancy music]

[Jenkins] Isn’t she a little beauty?

That’s more like it.

I intend to make this bus company show a profit.

Here, Windsor Safari Park, what's that, then?

Oh, it's a fantastic attraction and not very far from here. Just right for us.

I guarantee that every seat’ll be full.

Of course, there’ll be more pay for the driver.

And plenty of tips.

More money. That's the job for me. [chuckles]

You?

You'll never get the job. I'll see to that.

You messed up my fire drill, didn’t you?

I told him you were in charge of the foam machine.

[heavy breathing]

Ain't that right, sir?

Butler needn’t apply, need he?

You're darn right, he needn’t.

[Blake guffaws] See?

I'll see you never get one of these tours, Butler.

That’s the job you ought to have.

We’d be alright, then. More money and all those tips.

Well, it can't be helped, love.

You always get in wrong with the bosses.

You’ll never get any­where, you won’t.

-But look, love. -Oh, don’t "love" me.

We'll never have enough to get married at this rate.

I must get back to work. I'd better hang onto my job.

But Susy…

[chuckles] Right little madam, isn't she?

Don’t you start. You was the one that mucked up that foam machine.

She’s gone off in a huff and…

A right mate you turned out to be.

[scoffs] Women. They cause all the trouble, you know.

You’re dead right.

You stick to nymphy Norah, at least you know where you stand.

Norah? Right little gold digger she turned out to be.

Never talks to me now.

-No? -No.

She's found herself a… a sugar daddy.

Oh yeah. Who's that, then?

Jenkins.

No. You're kidding.

I should know, mate. I’m her driver.

She stays late with him every night.

Does she?

Oh, thanks very much for telling me.

[hushed music]

[Norah giggling]

-Look, it's gone 11-- -Shh.

Fancy dragging me at this time of night. I still say it's a load of talk.

It's worth investigating. If we can get something on Jenkins, we're laughing.

[giggling]

See what I mean? Come on. Give us a hand.

Shh.

[Jack grunts]

Give us a hand.

[Norah giggling] Oh, Mr. Jenkins.

Here. Come up here.

[Norah] Oh, you are naughty!

Oh! Oh, I’ve torn my tights.

Oh, we'll get you a new pair with the petty cash, won’t we?

[giggles]

Anyway, take them off.

[Jenkins] Here, let me help you.

[Norah] Ooh, your hands are cold.

Here, Jack, do you think it's going to work?

Don’t worry. We’ve got him.

[clock chimes]

[clock chimes]

[Jenkins] Come in.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Yes. What do you two want?

Morning, Mr. Jenkins. How’s Mrs. Jenkins?

My wife? Very well, thanks.

Yes?

Well, we were in the depot late last night.

We wanted to have a word then.

-Last night? -We didn’t interrupt you.

You were here in your office, busy with one of the clippies.

Norah, wasn’t it, Stan?

That's right, Jack.

Shut the door.

[door closes]

What are you two after?

[triumphant music]

Oi Blakey, the manager wants to see you straight away.

Eh?

Oh! Oh, thanks.

[triumphant music continues]

-You wanted me, sir. -[Jenkins] Come in, Blake.

I've picked the driver for our first Safari Park tour.

Oh, oh, really, sir?

Yes. We wanted the best man with a lot of experience.

Oh, exactly sir. That's what I think, sir, yes.

-So I've picked Butler. -Butler, sir?

-[musical sting] -Hello, Blakey.

Butler? [wheezes] But you can’t. Why pick him?

He’s very experienced.

Experienced? He's the worst layabout in the whole depot.

No, I'm not having it, sir. He can't do it.

Are you trying to give me orders?

Oh no. No, sir. No, but please, I mean, why him?

Don’t waste my time. Butler is driving it.

See that he’s issued with the special uniform.

And you and Butler are taking the bus out

on a trial run to the Safari Park tomorrow morning.

[triumphant music]

Thank you, sir.

Oh.

Right. Now, we don’t want any slip-ups.

The Windsor Safari Park is a sensational chance for us. A terrific attraction.

We’re lucky they've allowed us to take a tour there.

Don’t worry, sir. I’ve got it all worked out, sir.

You ought to be off. Where’s your driver?

Butler? Don’t worry, sir, I’ve sent him to change into his new uniform.

Here he comes now, sir.

[drivers cheering]

[laughing]

[whistling]

Oh, blimey, look at Sanders of the River.

How do I look, Jack?

Oh, you look just like one of them.

Don’t forget your handbag, will you?

-Oh, shut up. -[chortling]

Oh, Stan.

You look great.

And isn't it marvelous? I still can’t believe it.

Now, we'll be able to get that flat straight away.

Oh, come on. Get away from him.

We don't want make up all over his uniform. Look at that.

Right.

Get in your bus and draw it up to the front.

-Yes, sir. -Blake.

Come into my office for your final instructions.

Oh, Stan, isn’t it lovely?

You’ve got all that room.

Here, where’s the engine?

It’s round the back.

Here, I’ll show you.

[gentle music]

Oh. There you are. There’s the engine.

Where?

In here. That’s why I’ve got all that visibility in the front.

Oh, I don’t know how they do it.

Good, ain't it? I’ll show you some­thing else.

This is the emergency door.

Yeah, you can get in this way as well.

Oh!

[romantic music]

-See. -Here.

-What? -Give us a kiss while no one's looking.

Alright, then.

Oh, don’t. Here, come on. Get in. I’ve got to move the bus up.

[crunching sound]

Oh my God, I left the emergency door open. I'll have to reverse. Just a minute.

Oh, Stan. Stan. Quick. Look.

-What's the damage? -Look.

It's broken!

Butler, where are you?

-Oh. -Oh.

The handle is a bit loose.

-Hm. -Well, it is an emergency door.

It'll make it easier to open.

[chuckles]

[Blake] Butler, where are you?

I’ve just been checking the bus.

Right. Don't forget. I want all details recorded and a full log of the journey.

You make a mess of this job and you’re for the chop.

Don't you worry, sir. You leave it to me.

[chuckles]

Oh.

-[upbeat music] -[cheering]

You’re the Town and District trial tun?

-Yes, that’s right. -Yes.

We were expect­ing you.

Follow the road round till you come to the lions. I’ll meet you there. Right.

[upbeat music continues]

Ooh!

[penguins squawking]

[monkeys chattering]

-Hey, look at that. -Oh yes.

Hey… That big fellow…

-What? -Look at that one over there. Look…

-[Stan] What? -[Blake] Oh God, he’s just like you.

[guffaws] It is you.

Oh, very funny.

How about that one over there?

[Stan] He looks like you.

[chuckling]

Here, er…

Why are they so red?

Well, it’s the mating season, ain’t it?

[Blake] Er… Yes.

And I think that one fancies you…

[laughing]

Shut up and drive, will you?

[upbeat music]

-This bus been checked? -That’s alright. I checked it myself.

We’re very strict on security here.

Once you get in among the lions, all doors and windows shut.

And don't stop, under­stood?

Don't worry about that.

And Driver, if you break down, sound your hooter.

Our guards will come and get you.

Right. In you go.

[dramatic music]

[lions growling]

[growling]

Oh. These are the big lions, these are.

[Blake] These are the man eaters.

-Are they? -Yeah.

[screeching]

What d'you wanna run over that rock for?

There was a big lion in the middle of the road! I'd have run over him.

If it was a pedestrian, you wouldn't have bothered!

Look at his teeth! Look at the way he's pulling that meat to pieces.

We’re better off in here than out there with them.

Here, do you know what?

If you ever came face to face with one of them, you’ve had it.

-Yes. -Hmm.

Well, can’t you drive round him?

I can’t, can I?

Well, go on. He's gone now. Drive on, Butler.

[Blake] Do you hear what I say, Butler?

Drive on. Come on.

Drive on!

[mutters] Shut up!

Don't you tell me to shut up, Butler. Drive on.

Now, what's the matter with you, now then?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Drive on, Butler.

[stammers] It's a lion…

I know it's a lion, don’t I? The place is full of them!

No.

-[lion growls] -[Blake gasps]

[whimpering with fright] Butler…

-What? -We mustn’t let him see we're afraid.

-No. -[growls]

Of course not. No.

[stammering]

Sound your hooter.

Here. [shrieks] Wait a minute. Wait a minute…

Supposing… Supposing he don’t like my hooter?

[Stan] Keep quiet. I think he's going.

Yeah, I hope, hope so.

I think he's going.

Good. Thank God for that.

Oh… Oh…

-He's coming back. -Upstairs. Upstairs.

[Stan] Oh no, me first. I’m the driver.

-[Blake] Well, I'm the inspector! -[Stan] Get off. Get off!

[Stan] Get out of it.

Quick, out of here, Butler.

[Blake] Lions can't get upstairs.

Blimey, I’m getting out of here.

-[whimpers] -Oh, look at the lions.

-I’m going back in. -You're right.

We’re safe up here.

[lion growls]

-Oh, he's got me. -[screaming]

He's got hold of me! [screaming]

[Blake yelling]

-Oh. I think he’s gone… -Are you sure?

You go first, Butler. You’re the driver.

[whispers] I think it's alright now.

-[guard] Hey, you. -[Stan] Oh, the guard!

Come down here.

[chuckles nervously]

Oh, I didn’t know it was you.

How dare you open that door. Can’t you read?

Well, I can’t understand it. I thought it was shut.

We've had your type here before.

I shall make a full report to the manager,

and you won't be sending any more buses here, that’s for sure.

Now, drive off and get out.

Yes, yes, sir.

Oh. It’s cold.

Didn't I tell Mr. Jenkins you shouldn’t be allowed to drive this bus?

-[door slams] -Didn’t I tell him that?

Well, don’t blame me.

It’s a sure thing, ain’t it, Butler?

Whenever you drive a bus, something goes wrong, don’t it?

I’ll have to make a full report about this.

I’ll get the blame for it. You know that, don’t you?

Here, I tell you what,

if you do get sacked, you can get a job as a lion tamer.

[cackling]

-Drive it out. Drive it out. -Alright. Alright.

[mid-tempo music]

Cor! Look at the size of those elephants.

Yeah. Good job the doors are shut and they can’t get in, ain't it? Eh?

Don't want any more animals on the bus, do we, eh?

-Alright. -Yeah.

[chimps chattering]

What are you doing, Blakey?

[Blake yelling]

Blakey, come and help me, Blakey.

I can't. I’ve got one as well, ain’t I?

[Stan] Watch it! [screams]

[whimpering]

Butler? Oh, you, Butler. Oh, for God's sake, stop.

What do you think I’m trying to do?

[Blake] Butler! [shouts]

I'll have you for this, Butler. You see if I don't.

[Stan] Shut up. This blooming wheel. [shouts]

-Get off. Get off. Go on. -[whimpers] Oh my God.

He's got his foot in my face!

-[Blake] Look where you are going. -[Stan yells]

[Stan] I can’t get away!

-Blimey, look at his feet. -No…

[Stan] I can’t… I can’t…

[Blake howls]

[demented yelling] Butler!

[Stan] Oh, it's out of control.

[Blake] Stop it, Butler.

I’m doing my best, ain't I?

[Blake] Oh, I hate you, Butler.

Hold about. Stop, stop.

[upbeat music]

[shouts] Oh!

What’s going on here? Can’t you drive this…

-[chimp noises] -bus?

[nervous laughing]

He’s the one.

[Stan] Thank you.

Look, I know every­thing went wrong,

but Jenkins'll give me another job on them tours, I promise you.

I don’t believe you, Stan. Why should he?

Well… Well, he will. You'll see.

Look, I don't think we’ll ever get married at this rate.

We might just as well forget it.

Now, look, I've had a word with Mom, see.

If you come and live with us, we can get married straight away.

It won't be for long.

No. It'll never work out.

I tell you what. When you've finished work, pop home for tea,

and just let’s talk it over. That’s all I ask, eh?

Please?

Well, as I was saying, I don't think little Arthur would bother you.

In fact, I don’t think you'd be seeing much of him.

-[farts] -[babbling]

You don't have to see him to know he’s around.

Eh… No, well… Mom’s right really. I mean, we’d be out most nights.

Besides, my room’s very cozy for two.

[door bangs]

Oh, there's Arthur and Olive.

They had to go up to town.

Hello, Mom.

Oh… Hello.

Hello.

-Hello, Susy. -Hello, Arthur.

[baby babbles]

[Olive] I’m starving.

[clears throat]

[coughs]

Arthur and I have got some news to tell you.

-You tell them, Arthur. -No. No. No.

I er… I think you’d better tell.

Oh… Um…

Well, we’ve just been to the doctor's.

I'm expecting again.

What? Pregnant?

Oh, what wonderful news.

Yes. Arthur’s ever so pleased. Aren’t you, love?

Yes, yes, very.

Oh, well, that’s it, then. We can’t live here.

-[baby babbles] -Oh, I don't know.

It might be rather nice to have another little one.

[farts]

What? Another little Arthur?

Well, it might be another little Olive.

God!

Yes, well, of course, it means that I am going to have a lot more expenses.

So I’m afraid you’ll have to chip in a bit more, Stanley.

Me? Chip in a bit more!

Don't worry. I won't stand in your way.

And here, you can have your ring back. That'll help to pay for another potty.

-Now, now, Susy. -[door slams]

Susy, don't.

[low-tempo music]

Let her go, Son.

She doesn’t love you.

I know that sort of girl. All she thinks about is sex, sex, and more sex.

What sort of a life would that be?

Marvelous!

[Stan] Hey, Jack. Jack.

-What's up? -Wait a minute.

[clock chimes]

Listen, Jack,

we'll have to see Jenkins about a better job for me, otherwise I’ve had it.

Look, Susy, you see she, er, she gave me the ring back last night. Look.

So let's go and see him straight away.

-Shall we? -Now, wait a minute.

I’m afraid you've had it, mate. Look.

-What? What happened? -Jenkins got the push.

-What for? -Well.

He told his missus he was doing over­time last night.

-Well? -Well, she came in

and caught him doing overtime on the office floor,

so she got him transferred!

[sighs]

Well, that's it, then.

Ah yes, that's not all, mate. You wait until you hear this. Blakey’s gone.

-Get out of it. -Yes.

-He's got the push? -Yes.

-You're sure? -They’ve had a right old sort out, mate.

Well, I won't miss him for a start. Who's taking his place?

Oh, they've sent a new bloke down from Head Office. Look, here he is. Watch out.

Come on, you. Get that bus out.

Here, we've got another one like Blakey.

You're due out in two minutes.

You know the regulations. You should be carrying out your checks.

Oh, we don't bother with those.

You don't bother! Why not?

Get on with it or I'll report you.

Hm.

God, he’s worse than Blakey.

Come on. We'd better show willing. Let's get the bus out.

Oh no. That's another thing. We're not on the same route anymore.

I’m on the 14s, you’re on the number 11s.

Well, it’s not my day today, is it, eh?

I've lost my job, my girl, and now my best mate.

Yes, well, they say trouble always comes in threes,

so you should've had your lot by now.

Well, I’ve had my fill.

Ah, well, there’s always a silver lining. I tell you what.

They've taken on three smashing new clippies. Look!

[flirty music]

One of them must be with you.

[Jack] Go and ask.

-No, I don’t like to. -Go on.

You're free now. Get stuck in, boy.

-Shall I? -Yeah.

Alright, then.

Hello, darlings. [chuckles]

Any one of you on the number 11?

Yeah, I am.

Are you really? So am I.

They said I was going out soon.

So am I. We must be on the same bus.

Yes, you’ll like the number 11 route.

Yes. We get half hour's rest at the turn around.

Sounds nice.

-Oh, it is. -[giggles]

Er. Have you got a fella?

-No. -Oh, this is the best news I’ve had today.

-[chuckles] -Come on, Butler.

Your conductor's waiting.

I know. I've got her here.

No, no, no, Butler. Not this one, that one.

Oh yeah?

Blakey? No! Oh no, I can't stand it. No.

Come on, girl, and I'll buy you a cup of tea.

Oh.

You a conductor? I thought you'd got the sack.

Yes, well. Things weren't going too well. They demoted me, I’m afraid.

That's right. They put you on my bus. No. I'm sorry, no. Oh God, I can't take this.

-[chuckles] -I thought that'd make you laugh.

Here, Blakey, I never thought I'd see you become one of us.

Don't worry, mate. I'll never become one of yous.

[laughs] Blimey, bit of a come-down, ain't it?

I show you lot how to do this conductoring job, mate.

Where are you going? Where you going?

We're not due out for another two minutes.

Look, mate, I'm the driver, and I'm the boss, and I'll go when I say.

You’ll go when I ring the bell, mate.

Well, get on and ring the bell, then.

[guffaws] Hey.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

It's not like you to miss the bus!

I've had enough of this.

-No, don't. -Well, why can't we get on?

It's a disgrace.

No, sir, no. It's not up to me. I can't let you on till my driver says so.

[sighs angrily]

Oh God…

-You do love me, don't you? -Yes.

-You do love me? -Yes, of course I do.

-You will marry me one day? -Yes, of course, I will. I will.

-Oh, darling, isn’t it marvelous? -Mm…

-We’re engaged? -Yes. We’re engaged.

Here, just a minute.

Now you've asked, you can have another kiss.

[muffled] No. Just a minute, Gloria. Don’t. Look, what I’m trying to say is…

[Stan] I've got… No, no, you don’t understand what I mean… You see, I…

[Gloria] Oh, Stan.

[moans]

-[Stan] I seem to remember -Oh, Stan.

this earlier on before definitely. Look. Just a minute.

Well, what I want to say to you is…

Oh. Oh, Gloria. Hmm. No. Wait a minute. Hang on.

-This is where I come in, you see. -Oh, Stan.

[lively theme music plays]

[babbling]

[crowd shouting]

[Olive screaming]

[lion growls]