All language subtitles for L.A.Law.S02E19.Leapin.Lizards.1080p.HULU.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-BurCyg_track3_[eng]

[cheerful music]

You didn't tell them that it
was my birthday, did you?

- Monica: No.
- Oh, good.

I hate it when they
bring that little cake

with the candle on it.

I think it's nice,
birthdays are fun.

[sighs] I've always
dreaded birthdays.

They remind me I'm another
year older and still alone.

You're not alone now.

Monica: Happy birthday,
Mr. Becker.

[glass clinks]

Happy doesn't begin to describe

the way you make me feel.

Becker: And for the first
time in my life, I feel like

I really have
something to celebrate.

These last few
weeks together, is...

I never knew that
it could be like this.

Becker: The way you look at me,
the way you make me feel.

How do I make you feel?

Naked.
[chuckles]

Like everybody in
the room can see me.

Well, try to
keep your clothes on...

at least till we get home.

[laughter on background]

[both chuckle]

[dog barking]

[clinks on door]

[door closes]

[clears throat]

Why don't you stay here...

and take off your clothes?

I need a minute to get ready.

Mm, mm, sounds exciting.

[chuckles]
Mm!

[smacking lips]

It will be, I promise.

One minute.

[smacking lips]

[saxophone music]

[rattling]

[rustling]

[thud]

[zipper screeches]

[music continues]

[footsteps]

Becker: You ready?

Monica: It's your
birthday, counselor.

Turn on the light.

I want to see you
in your birthday suit.

[clicks on switch]

- All: Surprise!
- Ah!

[laughing]

[cackling]

- You got me.
Stuart: Got you.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[engines rustling]

[paper rustling]

[indistinct chattering]

Abby: I have a friend
who is here for divorce.

Oh, Rox, I uh...

finally got to your tax return,

we're gonna have
to sit down, okay?

- Is it okay?
- Well, we'll talk.

Why don't you catch me
right after the staff meeting?

[clinks on door]

- Hey.
- Hi, Stuart.

Becker: People, before
we get to started,

I'd like to say to all of you
who participated

in my surprise party last night,

[inhales] from the heart of
my bottom... thank you.

It was one of the most
memorable birthdays

I've ever had and...

I will long remember it.

Well, we will remember it
long too.

[all chuckle]

And I'm gonna get you for this.

Brackman:
Pressing forward, Ms. Kelsey,

what is Julius Goldfarb a.k.a.

Salamander versus
Harris Productions inc.?

Julius is an actor who played

the comic book character
Salamander

in the short lived 1981

TV series of the same name.

Isn't this the guy who
slithers up walls and

lashes at villains with
his whip like tongue?

Ann: The very one.
Anyway, Mr. Goldfarb

has been eking out
a modest living

and making promotional
appearances at schools,

supermarkets, shopping malls

in his Salamander suit.

Harris Productions is
attempting to enjoin him

from any further use of the name
or likeness of the character

because they are going to
do a remake of the TV series

and they want to
cast a different actor.

Need I ask why we are
representing this reptile?

Apparently he's Ralph Michigan's
nephew.

What can I say?

Say no more.

Victor, welcome back
from Worcester, Mass.

Thanks.

Brackman: Where do we stand with

the Byron Debeque will contest?

Hey, it's getting
kind of hairy, Doug.

One of the twins Holly,
now says that she left home

because Debeque's
fatherly love for them

had suddenly taken a turn
towards the incestuous.

What's that got to
do with Tina Benici?

Well, Holly says and
the other twin doesn't deny

that this was all Tina's idea.

Sifuentes: That, as the
old man's dominatrix,

she got him hooked on cocaine

and she was planning to video
tape them all at a family orgy.

Well, family that plays
together stays together.

Honestly, this is the
sickest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, it's not a pretty picture.

So what's next, Victor?

Well, I'm gonna be here
until Wednesday

and then I'm gonna fly down to
Cabo San Lucas

to meet with a man by the name
of Carlos Ramon Garza.

Who owns the fishing boat that
the twin spent three weeks on

with the mystery lover boy
from the Reagan administration.

Brackman: Keep us posted.

Sifuentes: I will, Doug, I will.

Oh, speaking of orgies,

I'm sorry that I missed your
birthday party, Arnie.

I hear it was lots of fun.

- Becker: It had its high points.
- He-ha.

Brackman: Lastly, Stuart,

my phone keeps
ringing off the hook

from irate clients upset
about their tax returns,

what is going on?

Stuart: Well, it's uh,
it's a nightmare, Douglas.

See the revised ten forties are
even more complicated this year

than last and the all new
8,000 series is just impossible.

Then there is the omnibus
reconciliation act of 1987 which

is designed to close all the
loopholes of the tax format 1986

except congress hasn't bothered
to pass all the key parts yet.

The net result of which being,
is I filed the record number of

extensions and counting fees are
up 25 to thirty five percent

and my clients don't know
whether to poop green

or jump off a building,
that's what's going on.

Any more smart questions?

Brackman: Well...

on that sour note,
I think we're adjourned.

Sifuentes: Abby, do you
want me to get that?

Abby: Sure.

[phone rings]

Estoppel, now what's
this thing? Estoppel?

It means, it may be too late
for the producers to stop you.

They knew six years ago that
you were going to shopping malls

dressed as the Salamander,
they never said anything.

They didn't authorize it either.

It doesn't matter, you
relied on their acquiescence.

I think we're gonna win.

[sighs] I can't thank you
enough, Ms. Kelsey

for... taking over the case
at the last second like this.

Julius: You've given
me some real hope.

Hey, I'm a lawyer,
you're a reptile.

Consider this a
professional courtesy.

You know, lots of people...

think I'm... looney to do this.

But being the Salamander,

it gives me pleasure.

And it seems to bring pleasure
to a lot of other people.

Especially the children.

Julius: I don't know too
many jobs that can do that.

Neither do I.

Kelsey: 10:00 tomorrow morning,

in court, wear a tie.

I'll be there and thanks again.

[phone rings]

- Mr. Goldfarb?
- Yes.

I have a big fan of yours
who'd like to meet you.

Certainly, and you are?

B-- Benny Stulwicz.

Very nice to meet you, Benny.

Oh, uh, I see you on TV.

I like when you
climb those walls.

[phone rings]

Would you like me to show you...

how I do that?

[gasps]

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Can we go somewhere
private because

we can't let everybody else see.

- Would that be alright?
- Sure.

Oh, we can go to the file room.

Onward ho.

I'm-- I'm going to the file room
with the Salamander.

[Abby and Kelsey chuckle]

[paper rustling]

[phone rings]

[knocks on door]

- Yep.
- Heh.

I feel like I'm waiting for test
results back from the doctor.

You got a tax problem,
a big one.

How big?

Well, you owe the IRS

eleven thousand and change.

What?

And an additional
3,500 to the state.

- Tha-- that's impossible.
- No, no, it's not.

It's based on an annual income
of ninety one thousand dollars.

[phone rings]

Ninety one thousand?

Yeah, well that's
inclusive of your profits

from your little adventure
in insider trading.

I gave it back.

Rox, giving it back
was the criminal penalty.

The IRS still counts
it as taxable income.

[indistinct chatter in
background]

[clinks on door]

Stuart... I'm broke.

- I have no assets.
- Oh, yeah.

I owe over $4,500
on my credit cards.

Can your family help?

I can't ask them.

Besides, they don't
have it to give.

Then your only other realistic
options are wage earning plan.

What's that mean?

It's a form of bankruptcy.

- Roxanne: Bankruptcy?
- Yep.

Absolutely not.

- No.
Stuart: Wait a minute.

I am not a failure.

Rox, nobody said
you were a failure.

- Roxanne: That's what it means.
- No, no, no.

What it means is you agree
to consolidate your debts,

you agree to pay back
your creditors

over a three year period a
certain amount on the dollar.

A lot of people do it.

I am not filing bankruptcy,
Stuart,

that's final.

Then what are you gonna do?

I'll get the money.

How?

I'm not sure yet.

Get it quick, they are
not gonna wait a long time.

[engines revving]

Rent 690, utilities are
hundred and eighty-five.

Your fixed expenses are
almost 900 a month right there.

You'd be looking at a payment
of nearly 500 a month

and unless you plan on not
eating for the next five years,

I don't see how you can take on
that obligation on your salary.

W-- what if I went
with a-- a ten year term,

wouldn't that lower the payment?

No, we can't give ten years on
unsecured loans,

it's government regulations.

I don't believe this.

I've been coming
here for 11 years.

I financed cars here, I-- I--
I've never missed a payment.

I've never bounced a check.

And you're a valued customer,
believe me.

Oh, look, if there was
someone who could co-sign

the notice, a means
of guarantying the loan.

What you're saying is,
I should bring in someone

you can trust because
you can't trust me.

You know, if it were up to me,
I'd give you the loan.

Who the hell is it up to?

The little man who
writes the jingle

saying you're always
here when you need it?

Heh. You know these things work
on collateral and you have--

You guys are really something.

You didn't need collateral
to collect the 18% interest

on my credit card accounts
for the last ten years.

I'm sorry, I-- I-- I don't
know what to tell you.

How about telling me
you'll help me?

How about telling me you'd go
to bat for a long-term customer

with some short-term
money problems?

My hands are tied unless you get

a co-signer or the
situation changes.

If the situation changes

I won't need the money, will I?

[footsteps]

McKenzie: Arnold tells me
you and Sheila have reached

a friendly separation agreement.

I can't tell you the
enormous unburdening I feel.

Which is not to say
some small part of me

isn't mourning the
loss of the marriage but...

all that tension
and animosity was

crippling my work,
my relationships.

I really feel this is
a new beginning.

Right.

The four of us spent

the weekend at Esalen.

Rusty, me, Sheila, Gordon.

They had a seminar
in the extended family.

Breaking the bondage
of sexual jealousy.

Mm, sounds great.

Benny: Help me.

[phone rings]

- Benny.
- I'm stuck.

The Salamander didn't
show me how to get down.

How long have you been up there?

Couple of hours.

I didn't want to bother anybody.

Well, that's silly, Benny.

You can call us anytime
you get stuck to a wall.

Well, you can, come on, let's
see if you can get him down.

[groans]

And the evidence will further

show that all rights pertaining

to this fictitious character
reside with my client.

The defendant has no right
to personify this creature.

And his running around
in that costume is ruining

the producer's chance
of successfully launching

the remake of the TV series,

which series is entirely based

upon this crime fighting hero.

Richard: The harm is imminent.

The harm is irreparable.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Julius Goldfarb has been
making public appearances

as the Salamander ever since

the original television
show was canceled.

It has been his livelihood,
your honor.

Kelsey: We will show that the
plaintiff not only knew of these

appearances, but quietly
encouraged them

because the exposure
generated by this man

helped promote their
comic book sales.

Now, six years later they plan

to do a remake of the TV show

with a new younger
actor as the Salamander

and they want to shut
Julius Goldfarb down.

But the principle
of estoppel says

they can't do this, your honor,

they knew of the appearances.

They sat back while he
built an entire career

around this creature
and it's too late

for them now to say stop.

Your honor, this man has
traveled the country

ten times over,
personifying that character,

and the virtues he bestows.

Kelsey:
The evidence will show

that Julius Goldfarb
is the Salamander.

The evidence will
show that Julius Goldfarb

will forever be the Salamander.

No court could
ever change that.

No court should ever try.

Kelsey: Thank you.

Edmund: I know it
sounds harmless.

A guy running around in leotards

and a tail, who can it hurt?

- The fact is he is hurting us.
- How so?

Well, most of
the publicity focuses on

his recent eccentricity,
his uh...

gratuitous climbing.

We feel that is compromising
the integrity of the character.

A character we've invested
millions of dollars in.

And you really
think his activities

can hurt your upcoming
television series?

Oh, definitely, I mean,
we're hoping people will tune in

to see a modern day superhero.

Who's gonna watch with people
thinking, "Oh, it's that uh,

wimpy little tadpole we
saw at the supermarket."

Kelsey: Objection.
Judge Donald: Sustained.

I have nothing further.

[footsteps]

You've known all along
that he was personifying

this creature, haven't you?

Oh, we've been
mildly aware of it but--

Kelsey: Mildly aware.

Didn't you state in an
interoffice memo

that Mr. Goldfarb's
efforts help sustain

interest in your comic book?

I did say that, yes.

And is it not true that
one of the reasons you've

considered doing the
remake of the TV show

is the ongoing success
of the comic book?

Yes, but--

Well, don't you think
it's a little unfair for you

to be here now trying
to squash the guy

that helped you spin
your hay into gold?

- Objection.
- Overruled, you may answer.

Look, this is
excruciating for me.

I-- I think the world of Julius,

but, well, this is business.

His crazy antics...

have made our character a joke.

Didn't you say at your
deposition...

that Julius Goldfarb is the
greatest amphibian

in the history of Hollywood?

And I meant it but--

And at your deposition,
Mr. Bates,

you also said...

that whenever you
see Julius Goldfarb,

you see one thing.

Kelsey: Tell the court what
is that one thing, Mr. Bates.

The Salamander.

I see the Salamander.

Kelsey: No further questions.

[coughs]

Your honor, this
is the third lawyer

that Mr. Simonetti
has dismissed.

The custody of
these three children

is an issue that
needs to be resolved.

So let's resolve it now,
your honor.

I'll represent myself pro se.

You understand that you're
entitled to a continuance

in order to obtain new council.

I'll wave it,
defendant is ready.

Bernie: Your honor, you've heard
the testimony of witnesses,

you've heard from
the parties themselves.

I don't think
there's any question

that the most stable and
nurturing environment

can be provided by these
children's mother.

You know my kids, ah, slick?

Mr. Simonetti, you may be
representing yourself

on these proceedings but you
will conduct yourself

in the appropriate manner and
that means showing this court

the courtesy of addressing
your remarks to the bench.

Excuse me, your honor, I just
don't see what's so stable

about moving my children
1,500 miles from home.

My client has her
whole family in Chicago.

Who my children don't even know.

- Thanks to you.
Monica: Mrs. Simonetti?

- I'm sorry.
Bernie: Your honor...

I respectfully remind
the court that my client

instituted this action
only after Mr. Simonetti

had made her life a
living hell for years.

You know because
you were there, right?

Mr. Simonetti!

Your honor...

I didn't want this divorce.
I mean, she dumped me.

It's always about you,
isn't it, Dominic?

What about me, huh?

Vickie: What about when
you would stay out

for two or three days at
a time and not call?

What about the drinking? What
about the card games that were

still going on when the kids
were leaving for school?

What about I'm a cop?
You understood what that meant?

- You're married to a cop.
- Not anymore, I'm not.

Bernie: The fact is, your honor,
that these two people

have ceased being married in all

but the technical sense for
quite some time.

What's that mean, judge?
That sounds like lawyer talk.

It means, in addition to
isolating himself emotionally,

Mr. Simonetti has been
unable to physically have

marital relations with
his wife in over a year.

- Hah-ha. She tell you that?
Monica: Mr. Simonetti?

Did you tell him that about me?

Yes, I told him that,
I told him everything.

Why didn't you just
put a bullet in me?

You knew where I kept the guns.

Will the court please
instruct Mr. Simonetti

to dispense with histrionics?

You keep talking,
you punk bastard.

- I don't forget anything.
- That's enough.

Bernie:
You're not scaring me, pal,

this isn't some
back alley roust.

Monica: Mr. Simonetti,
you either control yourself

or I'm gonna throw
you out on your ear.

Mr. Lustig, the record will
reflect that you are not afraid.

Now, can we all manage
to conduct ourselves

as if this is a court of law
and not a street fight?

This is no street fight, judge.

Out on the street, they come
at you with a knife

or they come at you with a gun,
you watch your back

then you got a chance.

In here, they take your secrets.

The time is in the middle of
night when you cry like

a little boy because
you were scared of dying,

when you felt
worthless and weak.

See they feed it all to
their lawyers

and then they announce it
to the world and suddenly

you're standing there
naked and alone.

What do you think it took to
get me to do that, Dominic?

How many cop dinners that
I have to go home alone from

because you would pick
a fight with everyone there

and ended up leaving without me?

How many times that I
have to watch you rip apart

the house looking for
the microphones that you

thought internal affairs
had planted there, hmm?

I mean, how long am I
supposed to go on believing

that my husband Dominic is the
one righteous deserving man

wronged by the city,
by the department,

by the game players
intent on denying him

what he is entitled to?

How long am I supposed to be

consumed by that
the way you are?

Till death do us apart, baby.

Till death do us apart.

I thought that you
handled them very well.

I never know
how far to let it go.

Well, it's better let them
scream at each other

in the courtroom than
duke it out in the hallway.

I'll tell you this.

If I've to spend
my entire career

adjudicating divorces,
I'd quit the bench.

You get used to it.

I don't want to get used to it.

I want to get away from it.

Funny you should mention that,

you know, I was gonna
suggest the following.

Give them your ruling 10:00
Friday morning,

10.30 Friday morning
we hop in the car,

zoom up the coast to Big Sur

and we lock ourselves in a room
at Ventana's for three days.

With a dozen of my closest
friends hiding in the bathroom.

Yeah, speaking of
which I got to know...

did Kuzak put you up to it?

He was so persuasive.
He's very charming.

He said you did some of that
back and forth all the time.

Plus, he made me feel like I
was part of your inner circle.

Monica: I was flattered.
[gasps]

Tell me the truth,
are you mad at me

for exposing you
to your colleagues?

Your honor, when I'm with you,
I've got nothing to hide.

[chuckles]

If you're not careful,
Mr. Becker,

I may fall in love with you.

What do you mean,
you haven't yet?

Let's just say, I've taken
the motion under advisement.

[rattling]

[saxophone music]

[clinks on door]
Arnie?

Oh, Rox, where is the
verification

on the Copeland complaint?

It's by the credenza.

Roxanne: Arnie, I need
to ask you something.

I'm listening.

I feel terrible asking you this.

And-- and-- and I'll
understand if you can't.

But would you be wiling to
co-sign a note for me on a loan?

- You're buying a car?
- No, I...

I owe the IRS...

fourteen thousand dollars

on the money I made from
Jimmy's stock tips.

Oh, boy.

And what about the credit union?

I tried.

Rox, it's really not a
great time for me right now.

I'm right on the edge as it is

and my lease option's up after
the end of the month.

I'd make all the payments.

That's not the problem, the
problem is I'm negotiating

a huge mortgage with the bank,
and another encumbrance

is just gonna blow me
right out of the water.

[paper rustling]

[clinks]

Do you want me
to talk to Brackman?

Maybe the firm can
loan you the money.

Arnie, Douglas Brackman
wanted to fire me.

He's not going to loan me
fourteen thousand dollars.

Roxanne, I've given you two
raises over the last ten months.

What are you doing
with your money?

- I'm trying to pay my taxes.
- It's not just taxes.

Becker: You're talking about
litany of debts here, Roxanne.

Of being over extended.

This is an old song
that you're singing.

You're barely making it
on a six figure income.

You try living on what I make.

I'm not saying it's a fortune,
Roxanne, but

you're a single woman with
no dependents making

more money than
most families make.

Don't talk to me
like a little girl,

who spent her
allowance on candy.

Roxanne, that is exactly
what you did and you're

blaming everybody
else for it but yourself.

You have got a hell
of a nerve lecturing me

the way you throw
your money around.

- I'm not lecturing you.
- Look, look, look.

I'll solve my problems by
myself, okay?

- Becker: Roxanne?
- Forget it, Arnie.

[clinks on door]

[thud]

[cheerful music]

[keys clacking]

[knocks on door]

Roxanne: Busy?

I can comeback.

No, no, no,
come on in, come on in.

[clinks on door]

I want to ask you
about bankruptcy.

Okay, what about it?

What happens?

Markowitz: Well, you go
before a public trustee

with a list of your assets

and your creditors
and your projected income.

Now basically, you're seeking
the protection of the court

in exchange for which
you agreed to abide

by a budget and
schedule of repayment.

Oh...

Will they make me
sell off my jewelry?

Roxanne:
Things my mother gave me?

Under Chapter 13,
they can't lay a glove on it.

All you got to do is
keep up your payments.

How long will it last?

Markowitz: Three years.

Then what?

Then you start fresh,
clean slate.

Roxanne: Huh, great.

[gasps]

I'll be 41 years old.

[sniffles]
And I won't even have...

fifteen cents to my name.

Look...

I'm not gonna tell you
it won't be tough, but...

a lot of people go through this.

A lot of very responsible,
very decent hardworking people.

[gasps]

[crying] I'm so humiliated.

It's gonna be okay.

Hey, I said it's gonna be okay.

[dramatic music on TV]

male #1 on TV: Get in there.

[female #1 gasps on TV]

[female #1 groans on TV]

Jump the stairs.

[squeals]

Release that woman.

Scram, Mack, before
I break your legs.

I said release her now.

male #1 on TV: Get him, Richie.

[groans]

[music continues]

Oh, no, it's the Salamander.

[whizzing]

[thud]

[rattling]

[hissing]

Okay, you can have her,
come on, Richie.

[rattling]

[clinks on door]

Oh, Salamander, you saved me.

female #1 on TV:
How can I ever thank you?

Julius on TV: Wait right here,
I'll have to go capture them.

Through honesty and
justice, virtue shall grow.

Salamander, Salamander,

onward ho!

[footsteps]

[clinks on door]

[clicks on switch]

[clicks on tape]

Now, Mr. Goldfarb,

this is the character that
you've continued to play

for the last six years, correct?

I appear about half a dozen
times a month in shopping malls,

arcades, occasional
bowling alleys.

Did you ever consider
any other acting roles?

Oh, sure, but the offers
didn't exactly flood in.

Julius: I'm afraid
I was a bit typecast.

The producers didn't take me
too seriously as an actor.

Would you take another
acting part, if it came along?

I'm a little embarrassed
to admit it but,

I can't imagine being
anything else right now.

Julius, I want you
to try to explain to the judge

why this role
is so important to you.

Well, it's the kids, mostly.

I mean, I don't have
any family or anything, but

wherever I go I--
I have those kids.

By kids, you mean
children in general.

It's an amazing thing to be able
to entertain children

I mean, I don't have to
tell them jokes

or give them presents or
anything,

I-- I am the Salamander.

Kelsey: And you'd like to
continue as the Salamander?

[Julius chuckles] Believe me I,

I don't travel
all over the country in tights

living out of a suitcase
for the 15,000 that I pull in.

The ability, the power,

to make a child smile...

to make him happy...

is the most addictive
thing that I've ever known.

And what would you do...

if the judge issues
this injunction?

God, I have no idea.

I'd like to think that we're
all here to do some good.

I mean, you do good as a lawyer,

you as a judge, I think that I
do good as the Salamander.

Julius: Fifteen years from now,
you probably not even gonna

remember this case, but that
little boy that I met

in the mall last week, the
little girl on the playground,

talk to them 15 years from now,

they will remember me.

And you know something else?

I'll probably remember them.

No further questions.

Judge Donald: We'll recess
till this afternoon.

[clinks]

[thud]

Rox, you've got a visitor.

Who's it?
Do you know what he wants?

He just said he's
a friend of yours.

[phone ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Roxanne: David?

What are you doing here?

Hi, Rox.
I had business in the building.

I thought I would check in
and see how you're doing.

It's really not a
great time right now.

David: Actually, I was
a little worried.

You never returned
any of my phone calls.

Our last date wasn't
that bad, was it?

It was fine.

David: So how about
dinner sometime?

[rustling]
That would be swell.

- Tonight.
Roxanne: Well, I can't tonight.

How about tomorrow,
'cause I got to go to Boston

over the weekend and who knows,

I could go down in a plane crash

and you would never
get to know the real me.

[indistinct chatter]

I am not above
begging, you know.

I just don't want to embarrass
you in front of everybody.

[phone ringing]

- Okay.
- We're on?

Sure.

So, that's great.

[indistinct chatter]

So... I'll pick you up at 7.30.

[phone ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Mr. Goldfarb, you've tried
to do a little more good

than just making children
smile, haven't you?

- I'm not sure I follow.
Richard: Let me help you.

You've been picked
up by police for questioning

in several different cities,
right?

I resent that implication,
I have never been arrested.

Uh-huh. The reason you've
been stopped and detained

is because you have been seeing
wearing that costume in areas

known to be frequented
with criminal activity, right?

There's no law against that.

Turning your attention
to October 12th 1986,

you tried to stop a liquor
store holdup, didn't you?

I saw a crime in progress
and yes, I tried to prevent it.

You jumped into
the store and started

thrashing the holdup
man with your tail.

He was a criminal.

- And you were a Salamander?
- Objection.

Julius: It was a
citizen's arrest.

Overruled.

Mr. Goldfarb, don't you
think running around

in a funny little suit,

taking on real criminals
is kind of silly?

Are you calling law
enforcement silly?

Yes. When you try to
take on a loaded gun.

- With a whip like tongue.
- Your honor!

This is ridiculous and
unscrupulous.

I'm ridiculing a
pathetic little man

who dashes around in a
stupid costume shape.

Stupid?

You prance around
in tights screaming in--

[bangs table] How dare you?

Mr. Goldfarb.

[cloth rustling]

Judge Donald: Sir.

This suit is the
symbol of justice

to millions of Americans, Bub!

You wear it under your clothes?

- I always wear it.
Judge Donald: Mr. Goldfarb.

- I am the Salamander!
- Julius.

Evil rears its face
in all walks, my foe,

even in the guise
of plaintiff attorneys.

Am I evil?

Judge Donald: Counselor, please.

Julius.

Julius: You seek to defame me?

You seek to reek humiliation

on the conqueror of injustice?

Huh! Julius!

[hissing]

Mr. Goldfarb,
that's quite enough.

Oh, no, the killer tail.

[air diffusing]

- Judge Donald: Alright.
- Stand back.

- Bailiff!
- I said stand back!

Kelsey: Julius, for god sake.
Richard: There he goes.

Mr. Goldfarb, this court
orders you to come down.

[panting] I'm scaling the
walls of justice.

This is justice upon justice.

Come down, now!

- Who was that masked man?
Judge Donald: Mr. Goldfarb!

Kelsey: Julius!

Judge Donald: Mr. Goldfarb,
I'll have you arrested.

Arrest the Salamander?
You're not a judge.

Julius: You're not worthy
of the robes you wear.

- Julius: No one can, um...
- There he is.

[footsteps]

Stay clear of the wall!

[thud]

Richard: Oh!
Donald: Get him now.

Wait.

Oh, not to worry!

The Salamander is undaunted!

The Salamander is under arrest.
Put him in a holding cell.

One amphibian standing alone
in the fight against corruption.

Through honesty and
justice virtue shall grow.

Salamander,
Salamander, onward ho!

[thud]

[whispers]

[saxophone music]

Because I believe it represents
the most stable alternative,

I'm placing custody
of the children

with the plaintiff mother.

Monica: I understand this
entails

relocation to Chicago...

and while I'm reluctant to
see that much distance placed

between a father
and his children,

there's no question to my mind

that this is the least
disruptive course to follow.

Monica: Needless to say every
effort is to be made to permit

Mr. Simonetti to have a presence
in his children's lives.

- You know what you're doing?
Monica: Sit down, Mr. Simonetti.

You have any idea
what you're doing?

I'm ordering you to sit down.

Dominic: You think you
control this room, huh? Huh?

Do you think this
bailiff gives you that?

This is my court, sir,
and I make the rules here.

Return to your seat, sir.

I spend 20 years in the
street, are you ready?

Dominic, what are you doing?

You're ready, my man?

Oh!

Dominic: Now listen and listen
good. Take your piece out

and put it on the table
and slide it to me.

[cocks gun]
Do it!

[gasps]

Dominic: Come on.

[rustling]

[clinks]

Now take your stick and put
it through those door handles.

And don't get any ideas.

[rattling]

In the future, officer, the
first rule of law enforcement

is never give up
your piece for anyone.

Come on.

- Hairdo, you hit the alarm yet?
- Excuse me?

Doesn't make a difference, just
move your desk near the door.

Dominic: Help her,
come on, you, hurry it up.

[table screeches]

Move it.

[table rustling]

[thud]

And unplug the phone,

I don't want to
talk to any cops.

Dominic: Come on, let's you
and me approach the bench, okay?

Approach the bench.

[gasps]

[groans]

Are you scared yet?

Just enough like
a back alley routs.

Mr. Simonetti, why
are you doing this?

[whimpering]

Why? Well, I'll tell you, judge.

The one human side I
had left was being a father.

And you just took that away.

It's not exactly a big surprise
the way the things were going.

Which is why in addition to
this nine millimeter Beretta

with a 14 shot clip,
I brought this.

[suspenseful music]

Vickie: Oh!
Dominic: You see.

Dominic: Twelve gauge cut down,
loaded with double-o buckshot.

[heavy breathing]

Dominic: Now tell me, judge...

[heavy breathing]

who makes the rules now?

[clinks on gun]

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry. With the salary of
37,000, 50 cents on the dollar

is not going to make it here.

Come on, anything more
than that is oppressive.

Look at her living expenses.

I see nothing oppressive
about trimming

her $200 a month
clothing allowance.

See I work for a
law firm and I have to

look right for the clients and--

Well, you gonna
have to look right

for little less, $50 a month.

Gene: This health club
membership is disallowed too.

You can jog in the park.

Monthly transportation
seems high.

Well, the bus costs
a dollar twenty, each way.

Sometimes I work late
and I have to take cabs.

Ninety dollars
is still excessive.

A monthly buss pass is
44 and when you work late,

the firm should pay the cab
fare, I'll give you fifty-five,

entertainment expenses, no way.

None of it?

Miss Melman, you're going into
bankruptcy here and that means,

the people you owe
are not going to be paid.

Your creditors are going to be
very upset, justifiably so

and I'm not going to
compound their anger

by giving you movie money.

Gene: I'll take
your credit cards.

Clerk.

[rustling]

I'll make my recommendation
after further review

of your bank statements

and I want a salary verification

from her place of
employment as well.

[crackling]

[coughs]

[clinks on door]

[rain splattering]

Doing okay?

[clinks on door]

They confiscated
my suction cups.

Let's not worry about
your suction cups right now.

Listen, everything
is going to be alright.

I mean, people are
gonna hear about this

and they're all gonna
come out and support me.

Julius: I'm gonna
become famous again.

- Julius.
- Listen!

I want you to contact my
agent 'cause I bet the producers

are trying to get in
touch with him, because

I bet they want me
for the remake now.

I mean, now that they
know that I am the real thing.

Julius, nobody is
coming out to support you.

Nobody is calling your agent.

Kelsey: The producers
just want you to go away

and it's the cinch they will
get the court to back them up.

Listen to me... the hospital
wants to commit you.

I'm telling you as your
lawyer, if they think you can't

distinguish between
your real self

and that crime fighting
creature,

they're gonna get you locked up.

Kelsey:
You understand me, Julius?

[rain splattering]

Please, Julius, give
up the Salamander.

It doesn't exist.

You have to forget about it now

for your own sake,
you have to now.

[thunderclaps in distance]

[gasps]
Then I have nothing.

[rain splattering]

I have nothing forever.

[thunderclaps]

What am I gonna do?

This is the only
thing that I know.

[sobs] This is the only
thing that I am.

[sobbing]

[gasps]

Dominic: Twenty-one years of
kicking ass

and taking names and
I'm still on patrol.

Twenty-one years waiting into
the projects and the streets

to stare down whacked
out the generates.

Who thought they were King Kong.

Twenty-one years of
bringing them in

only to see geniuses like you
turn them loose again.

Dom?

What, honey? What is it?

I want you to stop this.

- Oh, do you?
Vickie: Yes, I do.

Tell me...

you and your lawyer
been playing around, huh?

Oh, Dominic.

Dominic: Oh, no, I know
you've been going out.

I just want to know
if it's been with him.

I mean, you spend
all this time together.

He understood what
you were going through.

Dominic: You caught him staring
at you, you stared back, huh?

Bingo! What a thrill to
be single again instead of

married to some burnt
out wreck of a cop.

You're crazy, Dominic.

Yeah. All cops are crazy.

Comes from having eyes
in back of their heads.

Cops, cops, cops!

God, I am sick to death

of hearing about cops.

Just what is it that makes
you think you're so special?

Only another cop knows
the answer to that, baby.

Another cop?
You hate other cops.

Vickie: From the rookies
you can't depend on

to the bureaucrats who plot
against you behind your back--

To the wife who
stabs me in the back.

Dominic, I begged
you to get help.

From where? A department shrink?

You're the one who's
supposed to help me.

- Vickie: I tried.
- You walked away!

You took my kids and you walked!

You're not blameless
in all this.

- Dominic: I never walked away.
- You made my life unbearable.

Unbearable?

Oh, you ever hear
of loyalty, Vickie?

Blind unflinching loyalty.

Of duty and
children and forever.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, Dominic.

I just couldn't stay
married to you anymore.

And maybe that makes
me a lousy person but I just...

Put your head back down.

Mr. Simonetti, don't make it any

harder on your kids
than it already is.

Hey, judge, I know the speech.
I've given it myself.

The trouble is it only works

if the person you're
giving it to isn't ready to die.

I don't believe
you're ready to die.

You don't, huh?
[chuckles]

You carry a badge and
a gun and the only people

who take you seriously
are kids and criminals.

I take you seriously, mister--

- You take this seriously!
Vickie: No!

This! Tell me, your honor...

what do I have to do for you
to start taking me seriously?

[sighs]

What do I have to do for you to
understand

how much I love my kids?

[cocks gun]

Oh! Please!

[crying]
Please!

[sighs]

Prove that you love them,

put the gun down.

Don't ruin their lives
by pulling that trigger.

[instrumental music]

I was always a good father
to them, wasn't I, Vickie?

Oh, yes, Dominic.

They'll always know
how much I love them, huh?

You think that they're
done needing to know that?

Vickie: You're their father.

You will never stop
being their father.

We brought three
children into this world.

Please don't abandon
them, Dominic.

Please don't abandon them.

[growls]

[heavy breathing]

[thud]

[Vickie gasping]

[music continues]

[rattling]

[sighs and sniffles]

Here you go, judge,
tell your court officer...

take my firearms and
place me under arrest.

[gasps]

[sighs]

[gasps]

[sighs]

[coughs]

Reporter 1: Here they come.

Reporter 2: Okay, get
the cameras ready.

- Reporter 1: It's all set.
- Excuse me.

- Sir.
Kuzak: Arnie.

- Arnie, you alright?
- I'm okay, everyone's alright.

- How is Monica?
- She's fine.

Let's get out of here.

Mr. Becker, can you
give me a minute?

[loud indistinct chatter]

- Okay, thanks.
- Let's go.

[camera clicks]

[sighs]

With me is matrimonial
attorney Arnold Becker,

who was one of
those held hostage.

Janet on TV: What was it
like in there, Mr. Becker?

Becker on TV: Uh, it was kind
of frightening,

but I think everybody
handled it very well.

Janet on TV: What was your
impression of the gunman?

Becker on TV: I'm just grateful
that he surrendered

without hurting anyone.
I-- I-- I can't really

speak about him beyond that.

Janet on TV: Well,
thank you, Mr. Becker.

This is the second courtroom
explosion in as many days.

You will remember that
just yesterday, 43-year-old

Julius Goldfarb literally
climbed the walls of justice

in his Salamander costume,

complete with lethal
tail and tongue.

Janet on TV: The happy reptile
is currently taking the day off

from crime fighting,
while he undergoes

a psychiatric evaluation
and that's it from here.

From superior court downtown,
Los Angeles, I'm Janet Pearce.

[clinks]

[indistinct chatter]

[phone rings]

Benny, can I talk
to you for a minute?

You're sad about
Julius, aren't you?

Has he gone forever?

No, just for a little
while until he's better.

[sniffles]
It isn't good to believe

in the Salamander, is it?

Because he ain't really real.

Well, the Salamander
is make-believe.

But the things that he
reminds us of to be honest,

to care for other people,
to be kind.

Those things are very real.

And so is the happiness
that Julius brings to people

when he acts as the Salamander.

You can understand
that, can't you, Benny?

I think.

It's gonna be okay, Benny.

[phone rings]

Through honesty and justice,

virtue shall grow.

- Salamander Salamander...
- Salamander Salamander...

- Onward ho!
- Onward ho!

[mellow music]

[engines revving]

So, I told the broker who
does he think he's kidding.

I know the condo
market here in Bunkerhill.

David: I mean, it's not like
we're talking about some

great investment property here.

So, anyway we're gonna
get back to the seller

and if he comes
down great and if not,

I'll just keep schlapping
in from Sherman Oaks.

[clinks]

So... what do you think?

- About what?
- Come on, Rox.

If you gonna make me hold up
both ends of the conversation,

at least have the courtesy to
feign a little interest.

But I'm not interested.

[soft music]

You've been talking about
yourself ever since

we sat down, all night.

Your business deals,
your money...

I don't give a damn
how much money you make

or-- or what stuff
you want to buy.

[indistinct chatter
in background]

What's wrong with you, Roxanne?

[mellow piano music]

I spent the whole afternoon
in bankruptcy court, David.

I owe the government $14,000
and I'm completely broke.

I had a judge put me on an
allowance, talking to me like

I'm nine years old
and I have had to sit here...

looking at a bottle of champagne
that would take me three weeks

to pay for, while you
wax on about condos.

Why didn't you call me?

I could have loaned
you the money.

Well, well, what
good will that do?

This is trading one
debt for another.

Look, it's not the
end of the world, Rox.

It's got to be
pretty damn close.

[indistinct chatter
in background]

I'm 38 years old.

And I've got absolutely nothing.

No family, no money...

every nickel I make
for the next three years

will be doled
out to me by a court.

[gasps] I don't have a car,

I can't take a vacation.

I've got no control
over my own life!

I'm-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I've got to go.

[music continues]

[water splattering]

[clinks]

- Monica: Hungry?
- Not really.

Did you cancel the reservations?

[thunderclaps in distance]

You know, I really thought
that he was gonna do it.

It looked like he
was gonna kill you.

Consider my view of it.

Made me think about
what I'd be losing.

I mean, when the lights go out,
that's it and here I am.

This 37-year-old guy
who scrambled his whole life

to avoid getting tied down.

[water splattering]

You were just having
too much fun.

[chuckles]

Maybe that's what it looked like
but really I was just...

thinking that there might be
something better

over the next hill,
that if I commit to this

what happens
when that comes along.

What really happens is,
everything passes you by

and you look desperately
trying to pretend like

fun is what you're having.

We're both here, baby.

He didn't touch a
hair on our heads.

[water splattering]

Don't let me wreck things,
Monica.

I'm afraid that's what I'll do.

There's nothing that
says you have to.

When I looked at you today with
that gun pointed at your head,

I said to myself, "God,
please don't take her from me."

"Let me grow old
near the woman I love."

[mellow music]

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

Oh!

Mm.

[theme music]