All language subtitles for Deadpool 2 - The Super Duper eng

Fuck Wolverine.

First, he rides my coattaiIs
with the R rating.

Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.

What a dick.

WeII, guess what, WoIvie?

I'm dying in this one, too.

To understand
why I took a cat-nap

on 1 ,200 gaIIons
of high-test fueI...

I need to take you back

to the dewy sIopes
of six weeks ago.

I'd gone internationaI,

taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,

unspeakabIe monsters.

PeopIe nobody wouId touch.
Except me.

I'm gonna touch them aII over.

Hey, it's GaiI caIIing.

Love the shiny suit.

ReaIIy brings out

the sex trafficker
in your eyes.

Whatever they're paying,
I'II doubIe it.

I don't
speak Cantonese, Mister. . .

Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.

But I did take
8th grade Spanish, so. . .

Where is the Iibrary?

Which literally
translates to. . .

I don't bargain,
pumpkin fucker.

Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.

I am so sorry.

I thought this was
an anal-bleaching party.

Don't worry.
You're not going to die.

Although these will kill you.

Hit it, Dolly.

I'm merely
a vessel for the Lord.

Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!

Whoo! Do not go in there!

Let's see
Captain America do that.

Too exotic?

I don't bargain.

Oh, God ! Oh, God,
time out! Time out!

Cut. I've got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.

Oh, that's so gross.

Fuck.

Looks like you left
a little landing strip there.

I like it.

Oh, man !

My world tour
brought me home

to this guy,
Sergei VaIishnikov.

But we'II get to him
in a moment.

'Cause I know
what you're thinking.

"I'm so gIad
I Ieft the kiddos at home."

But that's where
you'd be wrong.

That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...

and, beIieve it or not,
DeadpooI 2 is a famiIy fiIm.

True story.

And every good famiIy fiIm
starts with a vicious murder.

Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.

Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.

That's not CGI, foIks.
He's actuaIIy on fire.

Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?

But this guy?

He was
one of the worst of 'em.

Hurry up and open
this fucking door,

and Iet's kiII
this motherfucker!

Ugh. So gross.

A panic room? ReaIIy?

Can you come out?

I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.

Over and over,
I hear peopIe say,

"I just don't have
enough confidence."

Listen, confidence is not
something you have.

It's something you create.

And you can create it
at any moment in time.

A sense of confidence
is nothing

but a sense of power
within yourseIf...

a sense of certainty that
you can puII something off.

Start the fucking car!

Dopinder!

Start the fucking car!

Shoot that motherfucker!
Shoot him !

Whoo!
Oh, I shit my pants.

Actually, that may
have been me.

Oh, mission accomplished?

Oh, in a George W.
sort of way.

Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.

Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.

It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,

and who'da thought?

Now I'm talked about
in the same sentence as Jesus.

Passion of the Christ,
then me.

At least domestically.

We beat them overseas,

where there's no such thing
as religion.

I do want to live
the dreams, Pool Boy.

Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.

I want to fill my. . .
Pockets?

What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?

Can't maintain an erection

without buying shoes online?

I've never experienced
that last one.

Talk to me, Goose.

I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.

I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.

Dopinder. . .
Hmm?

You never cease
to surprise me.

You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.

We all need
a sense of belonging.

We all need
a genuine sense of home.

A place in this world.

I want to become
a contract killer.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Remember when
I kidnapped Bandhu

and threatened him
with great violence?

You kind of killed him.

And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?

Don't want to.

When Tom Cruise fed

1 0-year-old
Kirsten Dunst blood

for the first time. . .

and she looked up
at his smooth,

handsome face and said. . .

"I want some more."

Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 1 0-year-old Kirsten Dunst.

I'll never not picture that.

But I can't wait
to never speak of this,

as soon as possible.

We're here.

Dopinder, it's me again.

Look, a saner man
might discourage you

from joining
the deadly merc business. . .

what, with your concave chest

and your
paper towel tube arms.

But you're an eagle. . .

and goddamn it,
an eagle's gotta soar.

You gotta grab those dreams,

grab those dreams
by the dick tip. . .

and make it rain !

I don't know what that means.

Me neither.

I'm gonna see you. . .

at the office.

In the sky.

You're my Tom Cruise!

And you're my Kristen Dunst!

Kristen? Kirsten?

Sorry I'm late.

There was a bunch of

handicapable children
stuck in a tree. . .

and I had to, uh. . .
Uh-uh.

You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.

But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.

No.
You got me.

I was rounding up
all the gluten in the world

and launching it into space. . .

where it can't not
hurt us ever again.

Try again.

Diarrhea?

We can't be sure
until I get this suit off. . .

but, uh,
all signs point to yes.

Traffic?

Hmm?

Kiss me
like you miss me, Red.

Well, come here.

I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.

Don't you want
your surprise?

Do I look like
a patient burn victim?

I got one for you, too.

Happy anniversary, baby.

Open, open, open.

Skee-Ball token.

Our first date.

Yup.

That's genuine,
high-grade lead.

I'll keep it forever.

Thank you, baby.

Open yours.
All right, all right.

Oh. . .

That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've. . .

I don't know
what this is.

My IUD.

A bomb?

No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.

What, you mean that your. . .

Baby factory's open
for business.

Oh, my God !

Oh, my God ! I want a boy!

Or a little girl !
Definitely one or the other!

Oh ! And I want our kid
to have only one name.

Like Cher or Todd.

You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.

Yes, I do.

Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.

Let's do that.

Papa...

Can you hear me?

Papa, can you see me?

Does this song
sound familiar to you?

May.

Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.

So weird.

Family was always
an F-word to me.

My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.

I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models

to draw off of for Todd.

Hey. Look at me.

You are not your father.

Besides. . .

I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.

But here's the thing,

isn't that how
it always works?

Like in Star Wars,

men are destined
to become their father. . .

and then have consensual sex
with their sister?

I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.

No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.

Baby, that's Empire.

The point is, kids. . .

they give us a chance
to be better than we are.

Better than we used to be.

You're a lot smarter
than I look.

I'm gonna go make dessert.

You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.

Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.

What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?

It's too stripper-y.

Kevin with a "K"!

No, too stripper-y, too.

Uh, Earl !

He's gonna go straight to jail

if we name him Earl.

What about Bruce?

No.

Get down.

What?

Baby? Baby?

I'm okay.

Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.

Please.

Please. Please.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

No!

Papa, can you hear me?

Is it just me, or does

Do You Want to BuiId
a Snowman? from Frozen...

sound suspiciously like

Papa, Can You Hear Me?
from YentI?

Papa, can you hear me?

And nobody
fucking realizes it.

Wade, you gotta go home.

You've been sitting here
for three days, okay?

You smell like sauerkraut
left in the warm rain.

Like wet garbage
in hot urine.

You smell like
a dog ate kitty litter. . .

and then farted his way
out of the living room.

I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's

couch cushions
after Shark Week.

I love Frozen.

I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.

An ocean is water.

More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?

George Michael was right.

I'm never gonna
dance again. Fuck!

He's dead, too.

At least we still have Bowie.

Oh, Mr. Pool.
David Bowie is. . .

Uh, uh, uh. . .

still with us.

We do.
We'll always have Bowie.

I'm sorry.

Shot after shot,

it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're. . .

Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?

You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.

Is he pissing?
I'm on it!

There you go, Dopinder.

If you want to be
a contract killer. . .

you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.

Although I don't
quite understand

how they are at all similar.

'Cause I could shove either
one up your ass and kill you.

Now, leave me.

I get it.

Go home, Wade.

I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a. . .

Okay, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?

Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.

According to the. . .

Kübler-Ross.
Yeah.

According to
the Kübler-Ross model. . .

denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.

Jesus Christ, Buck!

No more speaking lines
for you.

Hey, bud. Bud.

- Huh?
- Got a match?

Match?

Yes, I have one right here.

Don't make a move.
This is a stick-up.

- What?
- You heard me.

Mister, Mister,
put down that gun.

Shut up. Now, come on.
Your money or your Iife?

Look, bud. I said,
"Your money or your Iife."

"I'm thinking it over!"

Motherfuck!

Fuck!

The hell you doin' here?

Don't you know how to knock?

I thought you saw me. . .

with your ears.

You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the. . .

The wall?

The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.

I heard the news,
sweetie.

I'm very sorry. I am.

What am I gonna do, Al?

Probably something terrible.

Knowing you.

It was my fault.

I fucking did this.

And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her

and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.

She's gone.

Sweetheart,
can you speak up?

It's a little hard
to hear you

with that pity dick
in your mouth.

Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.

Thank you. . .

Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.

Listen to the pain.

It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.

Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.

Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.

But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?

Wade?

Wade?
I'm right here, Althea.

And that is
the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard.

And you're absolutely right.

I'm about to do
something terrible.

Precious, aren't they?

Whoa!

Are you a superhero?

Fucking A, sweetie.

What's your name?

Captain Delicious Pants.

Who's Captain Delicious Pants?

I can't believe
he's still alive.

I can't believe you left
the house in that shirt.

There's gotta be
some way to die.

I just need to die harder.

Trademark Fox.

Y'all caught up now?

Open for business.

Your crazy
matches my crazy.

I wiII never, ever
Iet our chiId be named Todd.

Skee-BaII token.

You're a Iot smarter
than I Iook.

About why
we're so good together.

L love you,
Wade WiIson.

Ness?

Ness?

Ness.

Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.

Your heart's not
in the right place.

Wait, hold on. What?

Your heart's not
in the right place.

Wait. What do you mean

my heart's not in the right
place? What does it. . .

I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.

You're broken.

Oh, God.
I know that voice.

Well, Russell.

I hear you're handy
at picking locks.

There will be no need
for that here.

There's no locks on our doors,
no bars on our windows.

I know what you're thinking.

Why don't the kids just run?

Who would choose to stay
in such a place?

You stay because. . .

deep down inside, you know
you're unfit to leave.

Don't worry.

We can fix that.

Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.

"Heart's in the right place."

"Heart's in the right. . ."
What does that mean?

Take your mask off, Wade.

I wish you'd said "pants".

Let's play a game.

It's called
"Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".

Now, close your eyes
and open your mouth.

You don't need
to be funny here.

We must talk.

You need fresh start.

Such a glare.

It's like I'm on stage
at the Gaiety.

With training,
you can be X-Man.

You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.

I'm not X-Man material.

Understatement of the year.

Wade, Yukio.

Yukio, Wade.

What in the fuck knuckles
is this?

She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.

Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.

I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.

Especially Pinkie Pie
from My LittIe Pony.

I like this guy.

Give him a chance.

It's great seeing you
like this.

Yeah.

Bye, Wade!

Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.

"Rule number one.
No killing. . .

"anyone ever,
no matter how bad.

"Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator."

Wade?

Wade?

Don't try to chase me.
Wade!

I'm not ready
to be touched again.

All these old guys
on the wall.

Who lives here,
Calista Flockhart?

Those were already damaged
after they fell there!

What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?

Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?

And how would I
do that exactly?

'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?

It's always just you

and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever. . .

Enough !

I said no touching !

What the fuck?

You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.

One that doesn't end up
in my mouth.

The first movie
made more money

than the guy
who invented pants.

They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?

How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?

What do those do anyway, huh?

Carry him
three feet off the ground

to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?

No, no, no!

I am not X-Man material
at all.

First off. . .

I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more. . .

I should have left you

in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.

But this is what friends do.
They show up!

Not when convenient or easy.

When hard,
and you always make it hard.

You are unwell.

I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.

Wait.
One of the assholes

who killed Vanessa got away.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.

Please know I wouldn't be
able to stop you if you did.

Wade, whoever they are. . .

we track them down
and bring them to justice.

It was me.

I'm the asshole who got away.

I killed every last one
of them, except me.

Couldn't kill me.

We were gonna start a family.

We were, uh. . .

We were gonna be a family.

Wade. . .

Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.

This may not be
family you want. . .

but it's family you need.

You have a good heart.

It belongs here
where it can grow.

What did you say?

About my heart?

I think
I'm in the right place.

I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.

Toilet paper.

What's so bad
about toilet paper?

Gets the job done.

Does it really
get the job done?

All right. Say you wake up
tomorrow morning. . .

and, hypothetically, find some
fresh shit on your face.

Your cheek, maybe
a little bit in the beard.

What the hell?
I'm about to be fucking sick!

What do you do?

Do you go to a bathroom

and tear off
a piece of dry tissue. . .

and rub it around
on your beard a little bit

and then go on,
get on with your day?

Go to church,
maybe dinner and a movie,

like nothing happened?

Where is this
coming from, man?

But something did happen.

Your face smells like shit.
Right?

So what you would do,

is you would get some soap,
you'd get some hot water. . .

and you would scrub
the fucking shit

out of your beard
for 1 0 straight minutes.

You could not
scrub it enough.

Are you trying
to make me feel disgusting?

I'm starting to feel. . .

Toilet paper is
a plenty fine appetizer.

But, then. . .

Huggies Natural Care
wet wipes.

That's your main course.

They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.

Finally, one more pass
with toilet paper,

maybe clear out
that excess moisture.

Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,

if you can get you
a hair dryer.

Just about 30 seconds
would do you good.

The fuck?

Year.

What?

What year is it?

What kind of dumbass question
is that to ask?

We have 8 weeks
of boot camp ahead of us, men.

That'II get us
toned and prepared

for aII manner of combat.

Not working out at all.

Masking tape.

It is no friend
to chilled aluminum.

Velcro.
Color-coded, efficient,

environmentally friendly.

Who is he talking to?

And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?

Can we focus
for a moment, ladies?

Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.

Obviously,
everyone hated the ceviche.

I read the suggestion box.

I'm gonna stop you
right there.

I see through this weak act.

You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit. . .

but not me.

Don't be mean.

Back off, NTW.

No, no, no. Let her go.

Let her go, it's okay.

She has a right
to be skeptical.

Look at me.
I'm an easy target.

You know, historically,

mischief has been
my mistress. . .

so I understand, you know.
But I like to think. . .

that you guys have
really rubbed off on me.

I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you, too.

A lot.

And for the first time
in a long while. . .

I like me.

I accept your apology.
I never apologized.

I was talking to your heart.

See? You're not
lost cause you thought.

I'm proud. You're everything
I knew you can be.

Thank you, Colossus.

Just trying to be
the world's best X-Man.

Sorry, X-Person.

Hmm. Something wrong
with the soap.

It's fine.

I just filled it. Give it
a few more pumps there.

Now, if you'll excuse me. . .

it's dust bunny season. . .

and I'm hunting wabbits.

Bye, Wade!

Fuck.
Fuck you.

No one is born perfect.

But you can be.

I know you're doing
what comes naturally.

You can't help yourself.

But you can.

It takes work, discipline. . .

and treatment.

Your abilities. . .

I know how seductive they are.

How powerful
they make you feel.

But you must learn
never to use them. . .

so they will never use you.

Please don't cry.

I'm going to help.

I'm gonna make you feel
what you should feel.

How you need to feel. . .

every time you're tempted
to act upon your urges.

Suck my mutant dick,
you four-eyed fuck.

Wade.

Wade!

Come in !
Hey, I was just doing

a little bit
of light reading here. . .

We have mission.

Well, you guys be
safe out there.

I'll be praying for you.

No, I want you to join.

I'm sorry, what?

You heard me.

Trust me,
that's a terrible idea.

I'm really not ready.

You are ready.
I'm not.

Be at the X-Jet in five.

I can do thirty.

Now.
I can do now.

Final offer.

Lrene Merryweather,
WHIT News.

Live here
at a breaking news situation

at the Essex House
for Mutant RehabiIitation.

A mutant boy
is appearing to have

some sort of an incident. . .

- with police here behind me.
- Get away from me!

There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.

There are open fires.
Fuck off! Stay back!

A scene of
absolute chaos here.

Calm down.

I'll burn you !
You stay back!

Get away from me!

You wanna fucking die?

And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving. . .

Scatter!

. . .with what appears
to be a trainee.

Everyone, calm down !
The pros are here. I. . .

We're the X-Men !

A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.

So, respect.

At ease, Officer.

What are you doing?

My job!

You're the one who said
I was ready,

and I frankly disagreed
with you.

But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.

Like Beyoncé says, "Please. . .

"Please, stop cheating on me."

Hey!

This is the fifth incident.

This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.

Russell belongs in our care.

Not in prison.
I assure you. . .

we have everything
under control.

Stay back!
I'll burn you !

Not getting a real

"under control"
vibe here, Marty.

It is Glen, isn't it?
Daniel.

I'll ask the questions,
Miguel.

Let me talk to the kid.

You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.

You wanna die?

This kid's adorable.

I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.

I'll burn your balls off!

First day.
I'm so nervous!

Did you just say
"hollow points"?

Yeah, probably should've

brought a Super Soaker.

Hi, there!

Stay back
or Justin Bieber dies!

Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.

Hold on ! Wait, wait, wait!

Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.

Okay? Let's just talk!

It's Russell, right?

Firefist.
Firefist.

Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?

Just the fist, or all the way
up to the elbow?

Definitely all
the way up to the elbow.

Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.

You stole that from Robocop!
That's from Robocop!

Just stand down !

You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire. . .

Oh, my God ! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!

Oh, shit!
That fucking does it!

Put your hands
behind your knees

and get down
on your head ! Now!

Wade! What was first rule?

Label everything
in the refrigerator!

Do not escalate!
Rules are meant to be broken !

That's the exact opposite

of what they're meant for!

Fuck! Fine!

I'll start from the beginning.

My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.

Trainee!
Shut it!

Look, I get it.

All right, you're scared.

Alone.

You got no family.

I didn't have
a family, either.

You live in this dump.
Guess what?

I used to live in a shithole
just like it.

But you know something?

A wise woman
once said to me. . .

"Speak up.

"I can't hear you with that
pity dick in your mouth."

Too much? I went too far.

That was effervescent.

Stay in school, kid.

Or don't. I didn't.

And I'm an X-Man.

Trainee.

Fuck it!

Superhero landing coming up!

Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!

That is so not practical.

I could get used
to this X-Man shit.

Trainee!

Trainee!

Get a power restraint
on him. Now!

Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.

What's that do?

Power-dampening collar.

Shuts down
all mutant abilities.

You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.

Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.

Thank you !

That was absolutely thrilling.

True heroism in action.

We are in your debt.

We can take it from here.

Take me
to the Ice Box, please!

Anywhere's better than here.

Believe me, son,

you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.

That place makes Hitler's anus
look like Waikiki.

Let's get you inside,
young man.

No, wait, wait. Wait.

You guys stay there.

Those guys hurt you?

Who?

Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?

Both of 'em?

Oh, fuck it.

Four or five moments!

I'm sorry?

Four or five moments!

That's all it takes
to be a hero.

People think
you wake up a hero. . .

brush your teeth a hero. . .

ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.

But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!

A few moments. . .

doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.

No!

Stand down !
Hold your fire!

Wade, what did you do?
Colossus, no!

You were right, Wade.
You are not X-Men material.

No shit, Shiny Gandhi !

What was your first clue?

The hollow point
through that fuckhead's face?

That kid was abused !

- You can always tell !
- We have rules!

You are not judge,
jury or executioner!

Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!

And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!

You let me down
for the last time, Wade.

Okay,
get these guys in the pod.

Take them to the Ice Box.

Hey, baby!

I wonder what gang
I'll be in.

Yeah !

Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
Hi.

I've always seen myself as

more of
an East Coast Hufflepuff.

I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.

This is not what the website
looked like at all.

I love the decor though.

I had no idea
hopeless was a color.

Hard left, douchebag.

Please, after you.

Another disgusting minority
off the streets.

We'll sleep well tonight.

Let's get a bagel.

Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!

You're a long way
from your superpowers.

Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.

Not to worry,
we're old friends.

Fuck!

I wanted to be a superhero.

Always wanted
a real super suit.

What happened?

When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?

Never.

The industry discriminates.

Fuck superheroes.

The thing that
pisses me off the most. . .

I never stood up
for myself in there.

My whole life.

I've been waiting for someone
to come and save me.

Nobody's gonna sacrifice
anything for me.

I gotta start taking care
of myself.

I have a mission now.

The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here. . .

burn the headmaster alive. . .

and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.

Aw. That's, like,
my favorite part of the Bible.

I don't have
a sock puppet on me. . .

but what did he do to you?

Did he taste the rainbow?

I'd whisper it,
but Skittles would sue us.

Fucker hates mutants.

He tried to beat
the genes out of us.

Nothing worse than
a "pray the gay away"
type guy.

Sick piece of shit.

Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here. . .

and we'll make him our bitch !

What was that?

That is the biggest guy
in here.

Fun fact about the Ice Box. . .

though no one's ever seen it,

they keep a monster
in the basement.

Right next to a huge,

steaming bowl
of foreshadowing.

Look.

I can't protect you.

With this collar on,

my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.

Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.

Now, if you'll excuse me. . .

I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.

I'll start by making us
a shank.

Good listening.
I stole that guard's pen. . .

and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,

if you know what I'm saying.

I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.

I know it's in there,
I just need to get it out.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I can hear you
rummaging around in there.

Do they make Purell
for your ears?

And to update you

on the story reported earIier,

after a Iengthy standoff

outside the Essex House
for Mutant RehabiIitation...

two mutants were arrested

and transported
to the Ice Box...

Entering repair mode.

...several
poIice cars were destroyed

and the X-Men were caIIed in
to restore order.

CeIIs seven and nine

now off-Iimits
for medicaI personneI.

CeIIs seven and nine

now off-Iimits
for medicaI personneI.

Psst!

Don't do that.

What? Why are you
winking at me?

I got your back.

Oh, my God.

You're sick,
I gotta protect you.

Just leave me alone, kid.

Oh, great.

Well, hello there, new fish.

It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.

I've done some
light catalog work. . .

but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.

I was talking to him.
Oh.

Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.

Black Tom Cassidy.
White Wade Wilson.

What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?

You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.

You don't look
like much to me.

First rule of the yard,
fuckface. . .

find the biggest guy
and make him your. . .

Second biggest guy.

The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.

Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down !

Can we get a wipe down
on the table?

Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.

No, I didn't!
He's my friend !

Zip it. We're not friends.

You're about to get
dick-slapped.

I had so much fun !
You were like. . .

And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."

Just let me die in peace.

We make a great team !

Oh, God ! We're not a team.

Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.

We're not partners
or friends.

This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.

It ends with me
dying of cancer. . .

and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.

There's only one person
in this world

that I care about,
and she's gone.

You wanna survive?

Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here. . .

and make friends with them.

Make friends with someone.

Anyone but me.

Maybe even Black Tim.

Black Evan, I don't know.

All I remember is
he was African-American.

System maIfunctioning.

CeIIs 7, 1 2, 1 4, 27.

Back in your cells, you filthy
mutants! Get in there!

CeIIs 1 , 3, 7, 8.

Searching.

CeII 04 Iocated.

Door won't open !

On your fucking knees!

That was our cell.

What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker

with a Winter Soldier arm?

Get away from me, kid !

Listen to me! Go!

Hello, Russell.

I don't bargain.

Who are you?

I'm Batman.

Ooh !

Oh. That's got some zip.

Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.

Talk!

What kind of
spineless shit stick

tries to kill
a 1 4-year-old boy?

You might wanna start talking !

'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!

The name's Cable.

I'm from the future.
Just walk away.

Oh !

So, you're from the future.

I have
three questions then.

One, is dubstep still a thing?

Two, do people still homebrew?

And three,
does Dopinder ever find love?

Dubstep's for pussies.

You're so dark!

Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?

I love dubstep!

Is that a fanny pack?

I used to have one of those
in 1 990-never.

Something to remember you by.

Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.

Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!

Why are you protecting
the kid?

I don't give a fuck
about him. . .

and his Are You My Mother?
complex!

What's this one do?

In every fiIm,
there's a moment

when the hero
hits rock bottom.

ln Cool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's

prized bobsIed broke.

ln Human Centipede,
it was when those peopIe...

signed on to be in that movie.

But in this fiIm, weII...

you're Iooking at it.

On your fucking knees, mutant.

Rock...

meet bottom.

I Iove you, Wade WiIson.

Ness?

Hey, Ness!

Ness, can you let me in?

Please! Please.

Jesus.

You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.

I'm at the end of my rope.

Then I joined the X-Men.

I went to prison. I, uh. . .

Is it the kid?

Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.

The kid !

That's exactly what she meant.

Your heart needs to be
in the right place.

I'm not gonna
abandon this kid.

He's never had anyone, ever.

I need to be selfless.

Yeah, but what does
that mean?

It means
I'm gonna save Russell.

Maybe I couldn't
save Vanessa. . .

but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.

Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."

I literally don't know
what that means.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay. . .

those muties
are being transferred

to a supermax, 80 miles away.

Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.

Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?

We're talking about
an armored convoy. . .

and a vicious super soldier
from the future. . .

that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.

You know what we need to do?

We need to build
a fucking team.

We need 'em tough,
morally flexible. . .

and young enough
so they can carry

this franchise 1 0 to 1 2 years.

A team of
highly-skilled motherfuckers.

I'm talking about some
Ocean's 14 shit. Rogue Two.

John Wick 3, but with
the original director.

My body is an
instrument of death.

Not now, Dopinder.

I could be of great use.

What's your superpower?

Courage.
That's adorable.

Do you have the courage
to check and see. . .

if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry
you had to see that,

although I'm glad
you heard it.

All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.

But we're not paying
medical or dental.

It's time to get back
on LinkedIn.

Attention, aII inmates!

Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security

Mutant Containment FaciIity...

wiII begin at 0800 hours.

Inspection of your ceIIs
and out processing

wiII begin at 0600.

Oi.

What the fuck
do you want?

That's my fucking pudding.

Fuck your pudding !
You like pudding?

Hello?

I know you're in there.

Must be hard
being the biggest guy in here.

Lonely at the top, eh?

They're moving us tomorrow.

Maybe I can get you
out of here.

And we can make
the whole world our bitch.

We need a secret code.

No,
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.

We're a team.

We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.

I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.

Supposedly,
she can rap, too.

Yeah.

I like that.

Terrific,
these are all terrific.

Meet Bedlam.

Cool name! Superpowers?

I can distort
electrical fields.

Including the one
inside your brain. . .

causing anxiety, confusion. . .

pain.

So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.

We can use him.

I'm Zeitgeist.

Cool. I like it.

So you have the power

to put your finger
on the pulse of society?

No.

No, I spit acidic vomit.

Oh.
Do you want me

- to demonstrate?
- No!

We'll take
your word for it.

Thank you. Yeah. Listen,
we've all eaten
at Arby's, okay?

And this is the Vanisher.

But. . .

Vanisher!

Nice!
Right?

He's not here, is he?

He may be running late.

My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.

That's good, yeah.

"Rusty" is terrible.
Toughie.

So, uh, where are you from?
The planet Mojo World.

So you're an alien, I guess.
Bad name.

How does that, uh, help us?

I'm basically better
than you at everything.

Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people

that are worse than me
at everything.

A whole bunch
of functional idiots.

I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.

Isn't that Canada?

You shut your
goddamn trash mouth !

Meet. . .
Domino.

What's your shtick?
I'm lucky.

That's not a superpower.

Yeah, it is.
No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.

Yeah, it is.
No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.

Yeah, it is.
Really isn't.

No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.

Told you.

Get out of my head !

I'm not in your head.

I'm in an
1 1 -year-old's bedroom.

Well, if you're so lucky,

then what are you
doing here with us?

I don't know yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.

Everything usually
just kind of works out for me.

Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.

I don't know who that is.

You're hired.

Lucky me.

I like her!

And last, but not least. . .

Peter.

Am I getting
catfished here or. . .?

Any powers you wanna
tell us about?

No.

I don't have one.

Um, I just saw the ad.

No superpowers at all?

Uh, I have both
Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.

Ow! Oh !

That's all the diabetes.

Right?
Yeah, you got 'em all.

If you find a Type 3,
let us know.

Yeah.

You're in.

Yeah.
Fuck!

It's fulfilling work.

Let's go!

This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.

We are en route.

Peacetime makes people soft.

I was born into war.

Bred into it.

Okay.

What's the most pain
you've ever felt?

These restraints are pretty. . .

People think
they understand pain.

They have no concept of it

beyond their own
worst experience.

5 years old. That's what?

A bee sting.

Oh, yeah.

20 years old, shrapnel.

40 years old, disease.

Maybe the kind that leaves you
more machine than man.

Yeah, getting old's
not for sissies.

That's what my
Grandma Ginny used to. . .

I've got a list.

We're gonna work down it.

Together.

Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.

Something that was not
meant to bend.

I'm gonna
stop you right there

because I'm not gonna
make it to two.

I won't even
make it to one.

I don't do well with pain,
you know.

If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.

I cried when they
canceIed FeIicity.

When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.

I have one right now.

Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.

I don't want you
to hurt me,

and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.

Except for where they are.

Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound

on Gerry Duggan Parkway.

The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.

You all know the plan.

Intercept the convoy,

grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!

You know what,

I wouIdn't fuck with
DeadpooI either.

Because he's buiIt a team.
He's unstoppabIe.

He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.

Watch out for this guy, Cable!

He's very short, 5'1 1 ".
Not like in the comics.

And if we succeed,
we all go home early.

So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you. . .

there's a wind advisory
in effect.

A IittIe turbuIent up here.

I don't know much
about this Cable fella. . .

but I guarantee
he hasn't killed

as many people
as melanoma has.

We're getting close!

As a former X-Man. . .

Trainee.
Thank you, Bedlam.

I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism

in the group's name.

X-Men ! Men !

The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.

Gender neutral.

From now on,
we'll be known as. . .

X-Force.

Isn't that
a little derivative?

I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!

That wasn't me.

Hang the laundry out
at 1 ,300 feet. . .

intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.

Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!

Get me on the ground,
watch me go!

Yeah !

I can't wait to kill !

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.

You know,
you guys look amazing !

Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.

This is the family

that I've always dreamed
of having and I. . .

Ah, shit.

I just get a little choked up
sometimes.

I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous

about the high winds?

Gary.
My name's Peter.

I realize that you're
new to this, but relax.

You've been chosen
by a higher power.

Did he just call himself God?
I think he did.

I'd like to go home.
And I'd like. . .

the McRib to be available
year round,

but sometimes dreams
don't come true.

I spent 1 0 years
in Special Forces.

You think we didn't
jump out of the plane

because of a light breeze?

You're in this shit now,
Mustache!

I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.

I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.

Leonard, hit it!

Go! Go! Go!

Let's get some!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah !

Convoy, 1 2 o'clock!
On my command !

Deploy! Oh, hey now!

Whoa!

Little off course here.

Holy mommy fucking shit!

Ah, there they are.

Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches.

Oh, yeah !
That's right, Bedlam !

No! Tripping
motherfucking billies!

Shatterstar.
Okay, you got this.

Left!

Left!

You'd have to be insane
to take off in this.

No, stage left, you idiot!

Well, I guess
we found something

you're not better at.

Vanisher.

Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.

Oh ! Really?

All right,
we could do this with four.

Sugarbear.
You got this, buddy!

That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!

Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!

Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.

We did it!

You're a goddamn
superhero, you !

X-Force!

X-Force.

Oh !

Peter.

I got you, buddy!

You're gonna be fine!
This is not good, man !

You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!

Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?

Yeah, we're X-Force.
We're X-Force.

Oh, my God !
What the fuck?

Fucking acidic vomit!

Oh, God ! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.

Okay,
I'm over the convoy.

Where did the rest
of the team land?

Good news and bad news.

Bad news is
the whole team is dead.

The good news is,

I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.

He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul !

Peter!

Peter, I'm gonna
miss him most.

But there is
a slight chance

Vanisher could make it.

Nope, no chance. He's dead.

The whoIe team?

Only the main ones.
We're still good.

Fuck, you are dumb.

Whoever planned this stunt's

been smoking
a lot jazz cabbage.

I'll tell you that much.

That's pretty obvious!

Looking good, Vanisher.

They're headed
into the tunnel.

I'm that kid's only hope,

so sit tight
and wait for my word.

Whatever.

We're gonna Iose 'em.
I'm dropping in.

Uh, that's
a negative, soIe survivor.

Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!

No, we most certainly
are not fucked.

Seriously,
I don't get it!

What, you shoot Iuck Iasers
out of your eyes?

It's just
it's hard to picture.

And certainIy
not very cinematic.

I mean, Iuck?

What coked out,
gIass pipe-sucking

freakshow comic book artist...

came up
with that IittIe chestnut?

ProbabIy a guy
who can't draw feet!

Once again, it aII faIIs
on my shouIders.

It's why I'm cursed to be
a soIo act.

Wander the Earth...
I'm in.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I'm in.

How in the fuck
are you in already?

Oh, shit.

It's Cable. 1 2 o'clock.

Okay.

New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers

to stop Cable
from killing that kid.

I'm coming up on your six.

That gun is amazing !

Hey!
Asshole!

Where is he?
I can't see him.

He's on top ofyou.

He's tearing you open!

He's going in
through the back!

Oh, God, he's inside!

You hear yourself, right?

AccidentaI doubIe entendres!

Russell ! Russell Collins!

Hands off that kid,
John Connor!

No, no, no!

Shit!

Two can play that game!

Got it! No, I don't.

Showtime, mama!

Lady Luck, take the wheel.

I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.

I'm Domino, and doubtful.

Hang in there, Doms!

Oh, this is really hard.

And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.

You're doing great.
X-Force.

I guess dubstep never dies.

Whoo!

You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch !

That's unfortunate.

We got no brakes!

Figure it out!

There's nothing I can't kill.

Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin
used to say. . .

"There's a first time
for everything, son."

Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.

Those bullets were, like,
super fast.

Here we go.

Domino, mind slowing us down?

Here goes nothing.

Knock, knock.

That's my boy.

Holy. . .

I'II be first to admit...

this did not go
according to pIan.

I'II aIso be the first
to admit that

that pIan was
written in crayon.

Looks Iike RusseII found
a new friend. JeIIy.

Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,

and maybe,
possibIy miIdIy Iucky.

But CabIe? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.

A mood that is

about to get
significantly worse.

Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.

Oh.

Oh, God, that hurt.

Suck it, Mel Gibson.

Russell.

Russell !

Russ, where are ya?

Russell. Russell, you're okay!

Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God !

Juggernaut!

I thought that was you !

I should've worn
my white pants.

You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.

Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 41 1 .

X-Men UnIimited 12.

You know, it has always been
a dream of mine. . .

to see my face
reflected in your helmet. . .

as you charge at me
with murderous intent.

I don't mean right now.

I'm gonna rip you
in half now.

That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.

Oh, my God !
I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel. . .

Oh, no, they're right here.

Got 'em.
God, Russell.

I have a mission.

To get my revenge.

I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.

You're not the revenge type.

Take it from a friend.

Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.

You said it yourself.

"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."

So I did.

Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.

But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?

"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,

I care about you, Russell.

What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?

Don't you say legs!
I know you're gonna say legs!

Legs!
Still hurts to hear out loud !

What is that?
That's not a real rope!

You get back here, young man !

Doms!

Doms, get me
out of here, please.

Use my arms
as backpack straps.

I think we may have found

your cosmic reason
for being here.

I'm pretty sure
this isn't it.

X-Force.

No chiId is hopeIess.

Don't give up on the boy.
How could he just walk away?

It was the coldness
in his eyes.

You should've heard it.

I guess family
really is an F-word.

Rub my legs, Mama.

Why would I
rub your legs?

Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.

What in the. . .

Why is your hand
so tiny again?

That's not my hand.

Oh ! Mary,
mother of Joseph !

That was nice for me.

Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and. . .

Why wouldn't you
cover that up?

A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.

Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.

You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,

toddler-style.

Oh, yeah.
Full Winnie the Pooh.

The hell's happening?
Describe it.

I wouldn't ask him to do that,
if I were you.

It's like, um. . .
Here we go.

It's like he was
giving birth anally,

but they quit halfway through.

They got the legs out,
and they said,

"You know what, I'm done."

Happy?

It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.

But this time, you can see

the Muppet's dick.

Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.

Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.

I've had three tickets
already.

No, no, no, DP,
not again !

This has happened before?

Jesus! Either vomit or don't.

The indecision is killing me.

Why couldn't God
take my hearing?

Oh. Wow!

Cool your pits.
They're growing back.

I'm talking about your face.

I've never seen you
without your mask before.

Jesus Christ!
Looks like an avocado.

Your legs, though,
they're cute.

You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?

I'm glad everybody dropped by.

You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.

I'll tell you why I'm here.

"The Time Traveler's Wife's"
husband. . .

beat me within
an inch of my life.

He was torturing me!

But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.

So, I'm here
to help us gear up.

So we can go after him
without me.

No!

I'm doing this alone.

The Juggernaut

will kill you all.
Fair enough.

I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs

under me.
What will you do?

I don't care
what the kid did to me.

I ain't letting Cable
get to him,

even if I have to
teabag him to death.

It's really just a sip of tea
at this point.

Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.

The first order
of business is

to get me in front of Cable. . .

so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body. . .

and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.

Then,
I'm gonna take his skin. . .

and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.

He's standing right
behind you, isn't he?

What in the ass?

Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?

You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.

Ugh. Is that really necessary?

No. It's his
"Basic Instinct."

What can we help you with?

I'm here to proposition you.

Oh, boy!

He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?

Who gets to make
the first joke?

I think we should all do it
at the same time.

Good call.

For $45, you get sucky-suck.

I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.

Fuck!

The Proposition
has a wonderful

Guy Pearce performance.

Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.

Give us the line again.
I need your help!

Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are. . .

but you unleashed
the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!

I can't bring him down alone.

So here we are.

We're no longer
accepting applications

for X-Force, unfortunately.

Even if we were. . .

there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least. . .

We don't have a lot of time.

Your friend's about
to make his first kill.

No offense,
but if you know so much. . .

why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?

Or better yet, head back
a little further,

kill baby Hitler.

I use a device
to slide through time.

The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.

I got two charges:
one to get me here,

one to get me home.

Well.

That's just lazy writing.

Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster

of the orphanage tonight.

After that,
he gets a real taste for it.

Like 1 0-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!

So he keeps killing. . .

and killing, and killing,

and killing.

Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.

My people.

Relax.

I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.

It's a goddamn fanny pack. . .

and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch !

The difference
is night and day.

You remind me of my wife.

I'm sorry.

I said, "You remind me
of my wife."

No, I'm sorry
that you said that. . .

while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.

She always struggled.

But she was funny. . .

and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.

Something I could
never master.

It was my fault she died.

It was my job
to stop people like him.

I came cIose a few times.

He wasn't too happy
about that.

He was trying to hurt me...

and he knew exactly
how to do it.

Blessed are the wicked

who are healed by my hand.

He came into my home...

and took the onIy thing
that made it a home.

Sound familiar?

I'm sorry.
Uh-huh.

No, I'm really sorry.

But that isn't Russell.

It doesn't have to be him.
If you knew what I knew. . .

Yeah, he's got anger issues. . .

maybe a small
learning disability. . .

splash of diabetes. . .

but nothing
that can't be fixed.

If you could go back. . .

and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?

No.

I'd buy them all
a bouquet of hand jobs.

Of course I fucking would !

But I wouldn't kill a kid.

I'm not asking you
to kill a kid !

I'll kill the kid.

I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.

Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.

And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend. . .

would want you to do
the right thing, wouldn't she?

So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?

Give me a chance to save him.

What?
You said. . .

once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.

If we can get to him
before that happens. . .

promise you'll give me
a chance

to put him
on a different path.

Define "chance."

I don't know.
How long does it take

to save someone's soul?
That's not. . .

I'll give you 30 seconds.

What? No!
Best I can do.

Take it or leave it.

He's doing it!

Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.

There he goes.

Jesus Christ!

Just shirt-cocking it.

Ugh.

There you go, little fella.

Go on, you're doing it!

My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.

Christ!

That's disturbing.

30 seconds.

Deal.
Deal.

Man, that sucks they didn't
have anything in your size.

I really wanted to match,
you know?

Being a menacing team.

Oh, man, it sucks.

That was some
cold-ass shit, kid.

And that is just
the first five steps

to a prostate-assisted orgasm.

Where the hell
are we going?

You said it yourself.

Nothing can stop the
Juggernaut. We need backup.

I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.

Can you turn off the music?

You'll do no such thing.

Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?

I'm sorry?
Apology accepted.

This is a side of you
I do not like.

Let me guess,

some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.

What the hell are you. . .?

Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.

I am so sorry.
It gets better.

I'm not a fucking racist,
moron !

That's precisely
what a racist would say.

I'm with the old white guy
on this one.

And that's a twist.

When this is over. . .

I'm going to fuck you to death
with your own broken feet.

And a sexual predator, too.
That's rich.

I should have
finished college.

So what exactly do you

do in the future, anyway, huh?

Some kind of soldier?

Yeah, something like that.

I was a soldier.
Special Forces.

I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.

50 years from now,
you're very dead.

Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.

Boom !

Spoiler alert.

Planets.

Next time, Uber.

Here's a spoiler alert.

You're not a fucking hero.

You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.

Well, I got news for you.

My heart
is in the right place.

Russell's not
gonna kill anyone.

Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.

We're all going to die.

Because of you,
I'll always know

what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.

I'm a grower, not a shower.

God, I wish this were a bus

where I could pull
the string and get out.

It's a good thing
Cable's not driving,

or you'd be in the back.

- I am in the back.
- Right here!

I made mistakes!

I wanna take them back!

You trusted me.
I took that trust. . .

and turned it
into a glory hole

in an airport bathroom.

The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.

But even you know I'm not
a complete piece of shit.

I was once an X-Man.

Trainee!

You're still using
my Velcro labels. Aw.

They do stick better
than tape.

Hi, Wade!

Please don't.

Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.

Right. Quick.

It's the kid.
Just like you, I let him down.

And just like me,

he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him. . .

because the whole world
wrote him off

as a piece of shit
a long time ago.

Look, he's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!

The Juggernaut!

Who's, like, my favorite
Marvel character ever. . .

And hi, Yukio! That was really
nice of you to say hi. . .

so I'm saying hi back.

You guys make
a super cute couple.

Yeah. Where was I?

Oh, yeah. You should never
meet your heroes. . .

because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!

And like a lot of dicks,
he's hard as a rock. . .

and causes nothing
but problems!

Look, you can stop the
Juggernaut. I know you can.

Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?

I would be disgraced.

You are a criminal,
a fugitive.

But worst of all. . .

you broke my heart, Wade.

Then you know what?

Your heart's in
the wrong place, big guy.

Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy. . .

and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!

So stay here
in Château de Virgin. . .

while we go get our fuck on !

You're doing great.

So you wear
that helmet because

your brother
tries to read your mind?

Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-steven.

Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.

And he's not alone.

Secure the children.

They will not replace us.

What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?

"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.

Watch my back.
I've got the old man.

Amen, brother.

Time to make the chimichangas.

30 seconds.

I finally know why I'm here.

I was raised in this place.

Well, not raised.
I was tortured.

Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.

Shall we?
This is gonna be fun.

Yeah !

Hey! Been meaning
to ask you. . .

what's with the dirty,
disgusting hobo bear?

It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.

Are You Bear, God?
It's Me, Margaret.

Give me some.

They say
laughter heals anything. . .

except, of course, that.

We should just cue the music.

Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.

Russell !

You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!

Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?

That's why!

Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.

Zip it, Thanos!
We have a deal and you fuck. . .

Hey!

I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.

My body and my hands
are so soft.

You should probably
head back to the car.

I think I'll head
back to the car.

It works best
when you pull the trigger.

That gun is amazing !

Say it!

You are an abomination !

Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.

I believe him !
Every man for themselves!

Gotcha!

Beat it, midget!

Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!

Oh, shit fuck!

Come here, beautiful.

Whoo!

Say it!

You came for me.

I'm not giving up on you,

and you are not
giving up on that boy.

Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?

It's time to fight dirty.

Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.

Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!

That's such
a you thing to say!

Go get him, tiger!

Big CGI fight coming up!

He's doing great.

Say it!

- Russell.
- Bingo!

You see that bus?

I'm gonna
shove it up your ass.

That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!

Oh, great!

There they are!
Those freaks!

A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.

Can I have
one of those guns?

No.
That's fine.

Get off this property,
mutant scum !

I'm just gonna
use this brick.

Maximum effort.

Who says you
can't go home again?

Oh !

Yeah !

Say it.

Say what you said
every time you tortured me!

Say it!

Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand !

Blessed are the wicked. . .

who are healed. . .

by my hand.

You commie motherfucker!

Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?

Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.

You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug !

Now we're getting it.

I need a bus
to get you all out of here.

Orphans.

Oh, geez.

It's time to burn
for what you've done!

A child should not be burdened
with such power!

Russell ! Wait!

Oh !

Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!

What more do you need to see?
Don't you fucking dare!

He's just a kid !

Tick, tock. Meter's running !

I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.

I told you ! Leave me alone!
Come on !

Listen to me!

That's how we do it

in Mother Russia.

They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.

Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.

Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!

Go home, Wade!

You're ruining everything !

I'm getting good at this shit.

Go, go, go!

He dies tonight, Wade.

You can't stop me!

He even runs
like a fucking pervert.

Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.

There's one bullet left
in that gun.

Wait, wait, wait!
Please, just give me a second !

I got this.

Russell !
Stay back! Go home, Wade!

Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!

That piece of shit. . .

he deserves to die
for what he did to you.

He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.

But if you kill him, he wins.

You become everything
he says you are, but worse.

You're just a kid.

You don't wanna hurt anyone.

How do you know what I want?

Because I've been inside you.

That came out wrong.

I've been inside your shoes.

Which is also off-putting.

It's not a great analogy.

The point is. . .

there are people. . .

There are people
in this fucking world. . .

besides him,
who will treat you right.

It isn't too late.
Don't do it.

I never should've left
you there.

I never should've left you
in that prison.

I can't trust you.

I can't trust anybody!

Wonderful kid.

You can't stop me, Wade!

I got one more idea.

It's just a really bad one,
even for me.

Wade, what are you doing?

All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid !

You're gonna kill
someone today. . .

Blessed are the wicked. . .

. . .then it's gotta be me.

. . .who are healed by my hand !

Fuck this!

Tell me they got that
in slow motion.

Oh, that's not good.

No, sir.

You sacrificed yourself
for me.

Yeah.

And it was the best thing
I ever did.

I told you
I care about you.

You're a good kid, Russell.

Hey.

The bear.

It worked.

Because of you.

No, Wade, because of you.

Stop, stop, stop!

Stop!

Just let it happen, okay?

I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.

That riddle
is so fucked up.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Don't be. Don't be.

I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.

Please, just don't leave me.

I don't wanna die
without an audience.

We are not going anywhere.

Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.

Just rest, okay?

Papa.

Papa, can you hear me?

Papa, can you find me
in the night?

Before I go. . .

Sorry, I got a bit more in me.

Domino.

I want you to have
my Adventure Time watch.

Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.

Thank you.

Hey, Sabrina,
the Teenage Witch.

I liked you better
with your hair short.

Think everyone did.

Hi, Yukio.
Hi, Wade!

And you. . .

Chrome Bone.

I haven't always been
the best friend to you.

But you've always been
that to me.

So thank you.

Say "fuck" for me.

Just once. Come on,

we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.

Here we go. One, two, three.
F. . . F. . . F. . .

Fuck.

Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.

And you, Cable.

You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.

And promise me.
Promise me one thing.

That you'll start
judging people. . .

not by the color
of their skin,

but by the content
of their character.

- Jesus.
- R-Dog?

There you are. Hey!

You're a superhero now, bubba.

That's why it's high time
that you had a super suit.

This one is yours.

You might wanna
get it steam cleaned.

Especially around the pants.

And let it out
a little in the waist.

But, hey.

Look.

Family is not an F-word.

All right?

There's one out there
for you.

Just keep looking, okay?

Guys, for a second there. . .

we made a pretty good team.

Oh, it's so hard to go.

I just love being around
you guys so much.

So, so much.

Mmm.

No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.

I feel the soul
exiting the husk.

Yeah.

Can you see it?

Do you see
that beautiful bright light?

There it is.

Oh, that's the sun.

Don't stare
directly into that.

I just have a few final words.

Woodpecker.

Gingivitis.

Codswallop.

Do You Want to
BuiId a Snowman?

Sorry I'm late.

There was a bunch

of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.

No.
No.

But I did have to help a kid.
Yeah.

He's got a terrible name.
It's just awful.

Ugh.
I tried to tell him.

Is this heaven?

It is now.

I am so sorry.

It's okay.

I missed you so much.

What is it? What's wrong?

It's not time.

What do you mean
it's not time?

I'm here, I made it.

You can't stay.
No, no, no.

I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.

It's okay.

There's a time for us.
It's just not now.

They need you.
Who?

Your F-word.

Why?

You'll find out.

It's all right. I'll be here.

It's pretty fucking
awesome up here.

I can have anything I want.

Can every day be
International Women's Day?

It is heaven.

I love you.

I know. I love you, too.

Now, go.

Go on. Go, get out of here.

Go.

Hey!

Kiss me
like you miss me, Red.

Well, come here.

Don't fuck Elvis.

Ooh, too late.
I'm sorry?

Time to make the chimichangas.

30 seconds.

Hey. Been meaning
to ask you. . .

what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?

It's my daughter's teddy bear.

Her name's Hope.

Well. . .

What are you doing?

Somebody swiped right.

Tell me they got that
in slow motion.

You sacrificed
yourself for me.

It would seem I. . .

Huh?

Genuine, high-grade lead.

You time-sliding
son of a bitch !

You did this for me?

Wait. You can't go back.

You used
the last of your fuel.

What about your girl,
your wife?

Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.

No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while. . .

and make sure the world

doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.

No. You did it for me.

No, I didn't.

You did.
I really didn't.

Pretty sure you did.
No, I'm positive I didn't.

Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?

Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.

I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.

Say it again.

- He did it for me.
- Jesus.

We must get the collar off.
Forget it. It's no use.

These collars
don't just come off.

Wade.

I have an idea.

No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!

I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just. . .

Oh, God ! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.

We need the code.

Try, uh, seven?

Settle down,
Captain Lucky.

It's not gonna be one number.

Oh, God, that's lazy writing.

I still got it.

Put that back
in your prison wallet.

I don't know how to thank you.

But I do know how to hug you.

No.
Yes.

Here we go. Bring it in.

Come on.

Pelvis to pelvis.

Let's go tip to tip.

There we go.
The kids call this docking.

Is there a knife in my dick?

There's a knife in your dick.
I'm just gonna back up now.

Yeah, yeah.
No need to go full Yent/.

Gonna pretend
like that never happened.

Let's go home, Russell.

All you dirty mutants

are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!

Your souls
are beyond redemption !

Let's see your soul, perv!

No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!

We're better than him !

No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed !

We'll let karma
take care of him.

The day of reckoning is here!

I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.

Whoo!

Courage, motherfuckers!

And karma, motherfucker.

I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.

I could barely keep
a straight face.

I want some more.

I bet you do, Brown Panther.

We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.

Good call.
You guys coming with us?

No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.

Besides, we're X-Men.

No, you're X-People.

You're exhausting.

I see what you did there.
Puns.

Our door's always open.

That's kind, but
I'm not ready to date again.

Let alone two women.

God, you're a douche.

Bye, Wade!
Bye, Yukio!

What do you get

when you take
eight feet of chrome...

one pinch of courage...

a cup of good Iuck...

a dab of racism...

a spIash of diabetes...

and a wheeIbarrow
fuII of stage four cancer?

Answer: a famiIy.

See? I didn't Iie
what kind of fiIm this was.

If there's anything
you take away today...

other than the need to GoogIe,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...

it's that we aII need
to beIong to someone.

How something
so small generates

enough energy
to reverse time is. . .

Oh, just fix it, Eleven,

or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.

Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.

Never heard of him.

Why do you think
I'm helping him?

The Lord works
in mysterious ways,

don't I? A good day.

Bye, Wade!

Bye, Yukio!

That was probably a bad idea.

What have we done?

I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.

I'll be right back!

We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!

Whoo!

Peter!

Whoo! X-Force!

Walk away! Just walk away!

But we're X-Force!
Nope! We're not.

X-Force is just
a marketing tool

designed by Fox executives. . .

to keep Josh Brolin employed.

It doesn't exist.

All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!

And I need to feed my cat!

Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.

Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?

Wade, is that you?

I guess Stryker finally

figured out
how to shut you up.

Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch !

Just cleaning up
the timelines!

Look, eventually you're
going to hang up the claws. . .

and it's gonna make
a lot of people very sad.

Huh?

But one day, your old pal
Wade's gonna ask you. . .

to get back
in the saddle again.

And when he does,
say yes.

Oh, right.

Love you !

Goddamn, that's beautiful.

You're welcome, Canada.

Boy howdy.

Hi. This is a toughie.

Yeesh.

Oh, yes. You're already
practicing your salute, huh?

Yes, you are. Well, we'll
take care of that, won't we?

Jesus Christ! This is
so much harder than I thought.

Oh, I'm going to hell.

That makes two of us.

You can do this.

This is crazy. This is crazy.
This is crazy. This is crazy.

All right.

Maximum effort.

That's okay.
Let me see here.

Oh, God.

That's why you're
such a little bastard.

No one's ever changed you.

Yeah, you got a big, old
stinky in there, don't you?

God, it smells like
Hitler's anus. . .

which would makes sense,
wouldn't it? Yeah.

I think we both know

I don't have
what it takes to do this. . .

so I'm just gonna change
your diaper real quick. . .

and then I'm gonna come back
with my friend, Cable.

He loves killing kids.