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1
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:04,559
Kinda lonesome
back here.
2
00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:06,269
Yeah, little help.
3
00:03:07,605 --> 00:03:12,025
Okay, um, just,
I have to keep
my hands on the wheel.
4
00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:15,570
Excuse me. Whoo!
5
00:03:16,072 --> 00:03:17,697
Ah, Dopinder.
6
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,866
Pool. Dead.
7
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:22,535
Hmm, nice.
8
00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:24,704
Smells good, no?
9
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:26,748
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.
10
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,792
Ah, yes. Gita.
11
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,293
Hmm.
She is quite lovely.
12
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:33,129
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
13
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:34,381
But, um...
14
00:03:35,299 --> 00:03:38,635
Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
15
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:42,597
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
16
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:45,809
Dopinder,
I'm starting to think
17
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,727
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.
18
00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,396
Yeah, sir,
you called for it,
remember?
19
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:54,150
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
20
00:03:54,485 --> 00:03:55,902
When you find it,
the whole world
21
00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,237
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
22
00:03:58,489 --> 00:04:00,240
So you gotta
hold onto love...
23
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:01,908
...tight!
Ah.
24
00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,326
And never let go.
25
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:04,911
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.
26
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:06,162
Got it?
Yeah.
27
00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:09,833
Or else the whole world
tastes like Mama June
after hot yoga.
28
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,710
Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?
29
00:04:12,837 --> 00:04:15,755
Like two hobos fucking
in a shoe filled with piss.
Okay, enough.
30
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,675
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
31
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,510
Hmm, it's bad.
32
00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:23,596
Uh, why the fancy
red suit, Mr. Pool?
33
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,682
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
34
00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:28,268
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.
35
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:29,853
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...
36
00:04:29,979 --> 00:04:31,855
six days and, oh...
37
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,274
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
38
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:38,194
And what did he do
to you, Mr. Pool?
39
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:39,612
This shit...
40
00:04:40,865 --> 00:04:41,865
Boo!
41
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:03,887
They won't disappoint.
42
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,306
They'd better not.
43
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,683
And what about
next month's shipment?
44
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:10,393
There won't be one.
45
00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:12,145
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
46
00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:14,731
That won't do.
47
00:05:17,735 --> 00:05:20,236
See, we've had
this small disruption
48
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,571
to our supply chain...
49
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,660
We'd appreciate your patience.
50
00:05:30,206 --> 00:05:31,414
Okay.
51
00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:34,167
We'll deliver in full
the following month.
52
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:38,755
Pleasure doing
business with you.
53
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,427
Fucking mutant.
54
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:55,939
Oh, shit!
55
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,440
I forgot my ammo bag.
56
00:05:57,775 --> 00:05:58,858
Shall we turn back?
57
00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,026
No, no time.
58
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,945
Fuck it. I got this.
59
00:06:02,071 --> 00:06:05,365
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets,
or bust.
60
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:06,533
Right here!
61
00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,912
That's, uh, $27.50.
62
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,705
L... l never
carry a wallet
when I'm working.
63
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,249
Ruins the lines
of my suit.
64
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:15,708
Oh.
But, uh,
65
00:06:15,793 --> 00:06:17,126
how about
a crisp high five?
66
00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,294
Okay.
67
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,629
Merry Christmas.
68
00:06:20,965 --> 00:06:24,050
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!
69
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:27,554
Hey, yeahI wanna shoop, baby
70
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,473
Shoop shooop ba-doop,shoop ba-doop
71
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,475
Shoop ba-doop,ba-doop, ba-doop
72
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,477
You're packedand you're stacked'specially in the back
73
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,313
Brother, wanna thank yourmother for a butt like that
74
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:39,732
Can I get some frieswith that shake-shake boobie?
75
00:06:39,817 --> 00:06:41,985
If looks could killyou would be an uzi
76
00:06:42,111 --> 00:06:43,570
You're a shotgun, bang!
77
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:44,654
Wha... Oh!
78
00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:48,491
Oh, hello. I know, right?
79
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,577
Whose balls
did I have to fondle
80
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,328
to get my very own movie?
81
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:53,580
I can't tell you,
82
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:56,165
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."
83
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:57,584
And let me tell you,
84
00:06:57,668 --> 00:07:01,671
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.
85
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:06,009
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...
86
00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,761
Bad guys to kill.
87
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,476
Maximum effort.
88
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:26,362
Cock shot.
89
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,368
Ha!
90
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,205
Rich Corinthian leather.
91
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:40,001
I'm looking for Francis!
92
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,211
Have you seen this man?
93
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,297
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
94
00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:51,721
Ow. Ow!
95
00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:53,222
Yanky, yanky!
96
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:28,091
I've never said this,
but don't swallow.
97
00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:50,947
Shit.
98
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:53,574
Did I leave the stove on?
99
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,427
Now, breaking news.
100
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:14,804
A multi-car collisionturned shots fired
101
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,431
on the crosstown expresswaythis morning.
102
00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,766
Gridlock has keptpolice from the scene.
103
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,561
Residents are advisedto remain in their homes.
104
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,146
The assailantappears to be armed,
105
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,647
dangerous, and wearing...
106
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,149
a red suit.
A red suit.
107
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,067
Deadpool.
108
00:09:28,152 --> 00:09:30,653
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.
109
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,115
Colossus, wait up.
110
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:37,493
I've given Deadpool
every chance
to join us...
111
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:39,829
but he'd rather
act like a child.
112
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,248
A heavily-armed child.
113
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:46,169
When will he grow up
and see benefits
of becoming X-Man?
114
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,129
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?
115
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,173
The house that blows up
every few years?
116
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:51,340
Please.
117
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,801
House blowing up
builds character.
118
00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:56,095
You ate breakfast, yes?
119
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,431
Breakfast is
most important
meal of day.
120
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:03,519
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.
121
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:06,022
Deadpool may try
to break yours.
122
00:10:14,698 --> 00:10:15,948
Get out of the way!
123
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,884
Hey! Whoo!
124
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,313
Wait!
125
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:49,732
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
126
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:51,734
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
127
00:10:52,903 --> 00:10:54,070
This guy's got the right idea.
128
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:55,738
He wore the brown pants.
129
00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,826
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...
130
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:01,577
so you're gonna
have to share!
131
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,412
Let's count them down.
132
00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:23,933
Shit.
133
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,688
Motherfucker!
134
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,107
10! Shit!
135
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,775
Nine. Fuck.
136
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:34,193
Eight.
137
00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:35,278
Shit-fuck!
138
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:40,283
Bad Deadpool.
139
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:43,870
Seven.
Good Deadpool.
140
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:57,800
Oh!
141
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,728
Someone's not counting. Six.
142
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,832
Oh!
143
00:12:35,297 --> 00:12:36,505
Four...
144
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,009
Gotcha.
145
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:42,929
Right up main street.
146
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:47,934
Three, two!
147
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:49,936
Stupid! Worth it.
148
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,169
Ah!
149
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,339
I'm touching myself tonight.
150
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,299
Francis!
151
00:13:20,676 --> 00:13:21,884
Francis...
152
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,055
What the shit-biscuit!
153
00:13:26,181 --> 00:13:27,890
Where you at,
Francis?
154
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:37,900
You're not Francis.
155
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:48,369
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?
156
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,089
You're
probably thinking,
157
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:02,008
"My boyfriend saidthis was a superhero movie...
158
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,592
"but that guy in the red suitjust turned
159
00:14:03,719 --> 00:14:05,928
"that other guyinto a fucking kabab!"
160
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:10,516
Well, I may be super,but I'm no hero.
161
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,935
And yeah, technically,this is a murder.
162
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:15,271
But some of the best lovestories start with a murder.
163
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:18,357
And that's exactlywhat this is, a love story.
164
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:19,859
And to tell it right...
165
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:22,111
I gotta take you backto long before
166
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,739
I squeezed this assinto red spandex.
167
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:28,284
Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?
168
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,786
I didn't order the pizza.
169
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:34,707
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
170
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,752
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!
171
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:39,295
Then who placed the call?
172
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,213
I did!
173
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:44,925
Pineapple and olive?
174
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:48,262
Sweet and salty.
175
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:49,555
The fuck are you?
176
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,557
The fuck you doing
in my crib...
177
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:52,725
Is it burnt crust?
178
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:54,643
L... God,
I hope not. Um...
179
00:14:54,770 --> 00:14:56,562
Whoa... Man, look,
if this is about
that poker game.
180
00:14:56,646 --> 00:14:58,898
I told Howie,
I told him that...
181
00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:02,902
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.
182
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,111
Thanks.
183
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,322
Sir, before you do
anything to him,
184
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,656
do you mind
if I get a big tip?
185
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:10,910
Uh, Jeremy, is it?
186
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:12,495
Umm-hmm.
Wade. Wade Wilson.
187
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:16,582
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.
188
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:18,167
I'm not here for him.
189
00:15:18,502 --> 00:15:20,086
I'm here for you.
190
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,587
Oh.
191
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,506
Okay, wow, dodged
a big-time bullet
on that one.
192
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,591
Not out of the woods yet.
193
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,511
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
194
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,513
They're jeans,
not a chandelier.
195
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,848
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
196
00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,683
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
197
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:37,103
I will shoot your fucking cat!
198
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:40,314
I don't really know
what that means.
I don't have a cat.
199
00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,358
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?
200
00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:48,614
Anyhoo, tell me something...
201
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:52,368
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?
202
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,787
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?
203
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:56,455
Getting that right?
Orflosky?
204
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:58,874
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
205
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,377
Because she knows you.
206
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,629
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys
207
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,798
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.
208
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:07,299
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,
209
00:16:07,384 --> 00:16:08,634
but lucky for her...
210
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:10,052
I got a soft spot.
211
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:12,721
But I'm a...
A stalker.
212
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,640
Threats hurt, Jer.
213
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:18,227
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
214
00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:21,397
So keep away
from Meghan.
215
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:22,481
Cool?
216
00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:23,649
Yes, sir.
217
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:24,733
Then we're done.
218
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,153
Wait.
We are?
219
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,904
Yeah. We're totally done.
220
00:16:29,573 --> 00:16:31,073
You should've
seen your face.
221
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,408
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
222
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:33,742
Soft spot, remember?
223
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:37,329
You even look in her
general direction again...
224
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,914
and you will learn
in the worst of ways
225
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:41,083
that I have
some hard spots too.
226
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,503
That came out wrong.
227
00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:46,839
Or did it?
228
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:01,020
Mmm... Meghan?
229
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,608
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.
230
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,277
No friggin' way.
231
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,283
Should've brought
my roller blades.
232
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,784
Show these kids
how it's done.
233
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:19,205
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
234
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,290
Hey, think you could
fuck up my step-dad?
235
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,875
I give a guy
a pavement facial,
236
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:23,959
it's because he's earned it.
237
00:17:24,628 --> 00:17:25,961
Hey, wait!
238
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:28,881
You're my hero.
239
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,467
No-no-no-no.
That I ain't!
240
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:35,554
Nope. Never will be.
241
00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:37,556
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.
242
00:17:37,641 --> 00:17:41,143
I'm just a bad guy who getspaid to fuck up worse guys.
243
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,396
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
244
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,607
It's like a job fairfor mercenaries.
245
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,318
Think of us as reallyfucked up tooth fairies...
246
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,987
except we knock out the teethand take the cash.
247
00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:55,074
You'd best hope we never seeyour name on a gold card.
248
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,992
Buck! Liefeld...
249
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,410
Hey, Wade!
250
00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,912
Wade Wilson,
patron saint
of the pitiful.
251
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,330
What can I do for you?
252
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,123
I'd love a Blow Job.
253
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:04,500
Oh, God, me too.
254
00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:06,752
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...
255
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,339
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money,
all right?
256
00:18:10,465 --> 00:18:12,091
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...
257
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,175
Orlovsky.
258
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,260
Yeah, her.
259
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,636
You sure?
Hmm.
260
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,264
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
261
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,266
I bet you let
the kid off easy, too.
262
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,184
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.
263
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:23,519
Just a little light stalking.
264
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,187
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
265
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:26,939
I was traveling
to exotic places...
266
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:29,692
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,
267
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,193
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...
268
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,529
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your lnstagram.
269
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:36,198
So what was
Special Forces doing
in Jacksonville, anyway?
270
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:37,866
That's classified.
271
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,035
They have
a wonderful TGl Fridays.
272
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,454
All right,
Kahlua, Baileys and...
273
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,789
whipped cream.
274
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:46,000
I give you a Blow Job.
275
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:47,876
Why do you
make me make that?
276
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,712
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
277
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,130
Take that over
to Buck please,
278
00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:53,132
and tell him
it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.
279
00:18:53,216 --> 00:18:55,467
Remind me what good
will come of this?
280
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,553
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
281
00:18:57,679 --> 00:18:58,971
Boothe!
Oh!
282
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,222
Easy, man.
Hold up! Hold up!
283
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:01,307
What you want?
284
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:06,395
- Cheers. To your health.
- Fuck you.
285
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,981
Come here,
you fat fuck!
286
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,566
That's a new stool.
287
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,905
Stay the fuck down.
288
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:21,243
Whoa! Took his ass out!
289
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,078
All right, move.
Move, move, move.
290
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,246
Buck, go rest.
291
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:26,915
Boothe got hit
then went down.
292
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:33,255
Yeah, he's still breathing.
293
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,509
Nobody wins today.
294
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,261
Nice try, Wade.
295
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,430
You got me.
I picked Boothe
in the dead pool.
296
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:42,848
Who did you pick?
297
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:44,933
Yeah, Wade,
about that, um...
298
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:46,226
No.
299
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,437
You did not bet
on me to die.
300
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,442
You bet on me to die. Wow!
301
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,902
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.
302
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,529
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.
303
00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:59,698
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
304
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,701
I'm sorry. I just...
l wanted to win money.
305
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:04,119
I never win anything.
306
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,204
Whatever.
307
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:06,914
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!
308
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,251
Domestic, nothing imported.
309
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,214
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa...
310
00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:19,218
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
311
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,471
Uh... Tight.
312
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:26,100
Vanessa.
Wade.
313
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,602
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
314
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,230
I'd hit that.
315
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:34,316
Buck, you best
apologize before...
316
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,652
Yeah, that.
317
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,487
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.
318
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:40,322
I'm sorry.
Breathe through the nose.
319
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:42,658
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
320
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,660
Let go. Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh...
321
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:45,744
Hakuna his tatas.
He's sorry.
322
00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,079
I'm working on it.
323
00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:49,248
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.
324
00:20:49,833 --> 00:20:52,251
Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.
325
00:20:53,795 --> 00:20:55,087
Merchandise? Huh...
326
00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:57,673
So you, uh...
327
00:20:57,841 --> 00:20:59,174
bump fuzzies for money?
328
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:01,260
Yep.
Rough childhood?
329
00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:02,344
Rougher than yours.
330
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:04,012
Daddy left before
I was born.
331
00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,181
Daddy left before
I was conceived.
332
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,767
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
333
00:21:09,144 --> 00:21:10,436
Where else do you
put one out?
334
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,770
I was molested.
335
00:21:11,855 --> 00:21:13,522
Me too. Uncle.
336
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,858
Uncles. They took turns.
337
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,526
I watched my own
birthday party
338
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:18,777
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...
339
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:20,195
which also happens to be my...
340
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,115
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
341
00:21:23,199 --> 00:21:25,200
You had a dishwasher.
342
00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:26,702
I didn't even know sleep.
343
00:21:26,828 --> 00:21:28,620
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,
344
00:21:28,705 --> 00:21:30,164
brownie mix and clown porn.
345
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,461
Who would do such a thing?
346
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:40,549
Hopefully you, later tonight?
347
00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:48,348
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...
348
00:21:49,559 --> 00:21:51,226
a Yogurtland rewards card?
349
00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:53,896
Baby, about 48 minutes of
whatever the fuck you want.
350
00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:57,149
And a low-fat dessert.
351
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,241
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
352
00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:09,828
It's time to put
balls in holes.
353
00:22:10,872 --> 00:22:12,414
You said whatever I want.
354
00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:14,082
I get it.
355
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,001
You love skee ball.
356
00:22:16,085 --> 00:22:18,337
Apparently more than
you love vagina.
357
00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:20,672
That's a tough call.
358
00:22:20,757 --> 00:22:23,008
I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.
359
00:22:23,092 --> 00:22:25,010
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional
360
00:22:25,094 --> 00:22:27,012
sex object
peddled by Hollywood.
361
00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,096
Balls in holes.
362
00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:30,265
Balls in holes.
363
00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:31,767
Prepare to lose tragically.
364
00:22:31,893 --> 00:22:32,935
Bring it, big man.
365
00:22:33,061 --> 00:22:34,061
Okay.
366
00:22:36,439 --> 00:22:37,606
Uh-oh.
367
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:39,191
Uh-oh.
368
00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:41,777
The limited edition
369
00:22:41,903 --> 00:22:44,780
Voltron: Defender of
the Universe ring, por favor.
370
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,741
Okay. Here we go.
371
00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:50,786
Had my eye on
this sucker for a while.
372
00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:52,704
And I will take
the pencil eraser.
373
00:22:52,789 --> 00:22:54,206
Okay.
374
00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:57,042
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
375
00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:59,044
And you can erase stuff...
376
00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:00,462
written in pencil.
377
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,214
M'lady?
378
00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:03,549
Well, I hate to
break it to you...
379
00:23:03,633 --> 00:23:05,467
but your 48 minutes
are up.
380
00:23:05,969 --> 00:23:08,804
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
381
00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:11,306
FYl, five mini lion-bots
come together
382
00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:13,392
to form one super-bot, so...
383
00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:16,728
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.
384
00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:17,854
Deal.
385
00:23:17,939 --> 00:23:20,190
What do we do
with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
386
00:23:20,984 --> 00:23:21,984
Cuddle?
387
00:23:26,406 --> 00:23:27,906
How long can you
keep this up?
388
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:29,157
All year?
389
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:41,670
Happy Valentine's Day.
390
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:50,929
Happy Chinese New Year.
391
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:52,347
Year of the Dog.
392
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,687
Relax.
393
00:23:59,314 --> 00:24:01,440
And Happy
lnternational Women's Day.
394
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:09,031
No. No. No.
395
00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:12,534
Happy Lent.
396
00:24:16,539 --> 00:24:17,706
Ow, ow.
397
00:24:17,832 --> 00:24:19,041
Wade?
Sorry.
398
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:20,542
Happy Halloween.
399
00:24:20,668 --> 00:24:21,710
Happy Halloween.
400
00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:33,221
Happy Thanksgiving.
401
00:24:35,224 --> 00:24:36,391
I love you.
402
00:24:40,229 --> 00:24:42,230
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...
403
00:24:42,357 --> 00:24:44,024
and your right leg
is Christmas...
404
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,860
can I visit you
between the holidays?
405
00:24:47,695 --> 00:24:48,737
Oh!
406
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:50,572
That sweater is terrible.
407
00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:53,241
But red looks good on you.
408
00:24:53,368 --> 00:24:54,326
Red's your color.
409
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:56,244
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.
410
00:24:57,205 --> 00:24:58,246
Listen,
I've been thinking...
411
00:24:58,331 --> 00:24:59,331
Really?
412
00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:01,833
...about why we're
so good together.
413
00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:03,251
Why's that?
414
00:25:04,087 --> 00:25:07,839
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.
415
00:25:08,091 --> 00:25:09,424
Hmm.
416
00:25:10,051 --> 00:25:11,593
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,
417
00:25:11,719 --> 00:25:12,928
you know,
the weird curvy edges...
418
00:25:13,262 --> 00:25:15,722
You put them together
and you can see
the picture on top.
419
00:25:16,557 --> 00:25:17,599
Right.
420
00:25:18,226 --> 00:25:19,267
Wade...
421
00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:22,437
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
422
00:25:22,563 --> 00:25:25,065
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
423
00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:28,276
Will you, uh...
424
00:25:29,529 --> 00:25:31,405
stick it in my...
Marry me?
425
00:25:33,116 --> 00:25:35,367
Uh... Jinx?
426
00:25:35,451 --> 00:25:36,451
Huh.
427
00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:38,453
Where were you
hiding that?
428
00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:39,579
Nowhere.
429
00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:42,207
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...
430
00:25:42,291 --> 00:25:43,291
You mean?
431
00:25:43,376 --> 00:25:44,376
I do.
432
00:25:44,460 --> 00:25:45,460
That's my line.
433
00:25:48,798 --> 00:25:50,465
I love you, Wade Wilson.
434
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:52,634
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
435
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:54,136
Yes!
Whoo!
436
00:25:54,929 --> 00:25:55,971
Yes!
437
00:25:58,141 --> 00:25:59,599
I feel just like
a little girl.
438
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:07,232
What if I just held on
and never let go?
439
00:26:07,316 --> 00:26:09,901
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
440
00:26:09,986 --> 00:26:12,320
Oh, Star Wars jokes.
441
00:26:12,822 --> 00:26:14,072
Empire.
442
00:26:15,491 --> 00:26:16,742
Jesus Christ.
443
00:26:16,826 --> 00:26:18,744
It's like I made you
in a computer.
444
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:21,580
Mmm.
445
00:26:22,999 --> 00:26:23,999
Hey.
446
00:26:25,126 --> 00:26:26,501
Perfect.
447
00:26:30,298 --> 00:26:31,757
Let's see.
All right, wee break.
448
00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:33,133
Shake it, yeah.
449
00:26:39,348 --> 00:26:40,515
Here's the thing.
450
00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:42,768
Life is an endless seriesof train-wrecks...
451
00:26:42,852 --> 00:26:46,438
with only brief,commercial-likebreaks of happiness.
452
00:26:47,356 --> 00:26:50,025
This had been the ultimatecommercial break.
453
00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:53,862
Which meantit was time to return
454
00:26:53,946 --> 00:26:55,697
to our regularlyscheduled program.
455
00:26:55,823 --> 00:26:57,616
What the...
456
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,825
Oh, my God. Wade?
457
00:27:05,124 --> 00:27:06,374
You're clowning.
458
00:27:06,876 --> 00:27:08,210
You're not clowning?
459
00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:09,461
I sense clowns.
460
00:27:10,046 --> 00:27:13,381
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.
461
00:27:13,549 --> 00:27:16,301
There are certainly options
we can look into.
462
00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:18,178
New drugs are being
developed every day.
463
00:27:22,725 --> 00:27:23,850
So what do we do?
464
00:27:24,352 --> 00:27:26,728
Surely there is
something we can do.
465
00:27:27,855 --> 00:27:30,398
My uncle lvan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...
466
00:27:30,525 --> 00:27:32,901
and there were all these
new experimental drugs
from Germany.
467
00:27:33,027 --> 00:27:35,570
Vanessa's alreadyworking on Plan A, B,
468
00:27:35,655 --> 00:27:37,364
all the way through Z.
469
00:27:37,657 --> 00:27:41,201
Me? I'm memorizingthe details of her face.
470
00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:44,246
Like it's the first timeI'm seeing it.
471
00:27:44,330 --> 00:27:45,413
Or the last.
472
00:27:45,498 --> 00:27:46,998
Mr. Wilson...
473
00:27:47,083 --> 00:27:48,500
Mr. Wilson?
474
00:27:48,876 --> 00:27:51,169
Take your time
to process this.
475
00:27:52,213 --> 00:27:54,089
It's important not todo anything rash.
476
00:28:05,685 --> 00:28:08,270
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack
477
00:28:08,396 --> 00:28:10,856
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?
478
00:28:14,777 --> 00:28:15,777
Oh.
479
00:28:36,424 --> 00:28:38,216
A hush falls
over the crowd
480
00:28:38,301 --> 00:28:40,635
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...
481
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,139
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
482
00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:47,642
His form looks good.
483
00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:49,644
Oh!
484
00:28:49,770 --> 00:28:53,565
And that's why Regina
rhymes with fun.
485
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,484
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...
486
00:28:56,569 --> 00:28:58,820
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
487
00:28:59,822 --> 00:29:01,281
Oh! Giving him the business.
488
00:29:01,741 --> 00:29:02,782
Incoming!
489
00:29:03,910 --> 00:29:07,662
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
490
00:29:13,002 --> 00:29:14,920
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.
491
00:29:15,004 --> 00:29:16,671
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.
492
00:29:17,256 --> 00:29:19,174
Ringing any bells? No?
493
00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:25,430
How about now?
494
00:29:29,435 --> 00:29:31,603
Wade fucking Wilson.
495
00:29:34,106 --> 00:29:35,357
Well,
hello, gorgeous.
496
00:29:35,441 --> 00:29:38,360
Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
497
00:29:38,486 --> 00:29:41,613
Yeah. And whose fault
is that, huh, Francis?
498
00:29:41,697 --> 00:29:43,698
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.
499
00:29:43,783 --> 00:29:45,450
Please,
you should thank me.
500
00:29:45,534 --> 00:29:46,785
Apparently,
I made you immortal.
501
00:29:47,119 --> 00:29:48,703
I'm actually
quite jealous.
502
00:29:48,788 --> 00:29:51,039
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living,
is it?
503
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:54,793
Now, I'm about
to do to you
504
00:29:54,877 --> 00:29:57,212
what Limp Bizkit
did to music
in the late 90s.
505
00:29:59,382 --> 00:30:00,382
Dad?
506
00:30:03,886 --> 00:30:06,554
I think we can all agreethat shit just went sideways
507
00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:08,473
in the most colossal way.
508
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:11,476
Well, maybe not the most.
509
00:30:11,978 --> 00:30:15,730
Uh... This is
my most prized possession.
510
00:30:16,315 --> 00:30:17,315
Wham?
511
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,234
No, no, no. Wham!
512
00:30:19,735 --> 00:30:23,196
Make it Big is the album
that George and Andy
earned the exclamation point.
513
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,824
So, am I supposed
to just smile
514
00:30:25,908 --> 00:30:27,158
and wave you out the door?
515
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:28,660
Think of it like
spring cleaning.
516
00:30:28,744 --> 00:30:30,078
Only if spring
was death.
517
00:30:30,204 --> 00:30:32,580
God, if I had a nickel
for every time
518
00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:34,165
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.
519
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:36,626
Sounds like you do.
520
00:30:37,461 --> 00:30:39,295
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,
521
00:30:39,422 --> 00:30:41,297
because you're not
going anywhere.
522
00:30:41,424 --> 00:30:42,424
Drink.
523
00:30:42,591 --> 00:30:43,925
You're right.
Cancer is only
in my liver,
524
00:30:44,051 --> 00:30:45,301
lungs, prostate, and brain.
525
00:30:45,428 --> 00:30:46,594
All things I can
live without.
526
00:30:47,805 --> 00:30:48,847
Ha.
527
00:30:48,931 --> 00:30:50,890
You belong here
at home.
528
00:30:50,975 --> 00:30:52,434
Surrounded by
your Voltron
529
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,602
and your Bernadette,
and your me.
530
00:30:55,938 --> 00:30:59,441
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
531
00:31:01,110 --> 00:31:03,153
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the
532
00:31:03,279 --> 00:31:05,989
Spin-Doctors-at-the-
lowa-State-Fair shit-show.
533
00:31:08,117 --> 00:31:12,662
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
534
00:31:13,998 --> 00:31:15,665
I want you to remember me.
535
00:31:17,168 --> 00:31:18,960
Not the ghost
of Christmas me.
536
00:31:19,086 --> 00:31:20,837
Well, I wanna remember us.
537
00:31:21,338 --> 00:31:22,922
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...
538
00:31:23,007 --> 00:31:26,092
and I'm gonna boom-box
Careless Whisper
outside your window.
539
00:31:26,177 --> 00:31:27,635
Wham!
540
00:31:31,015 --> 00:31:34,017
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?
541
00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:38,021
We can fight this.
542
00:31:41,192 --> 00:31:43,359
Besides, I just
realized something.
543
00:31:44,195 --> 00:31:46,529
You win.
Your life is officially
544
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:49,324
way more fucked up
than mine.
545
00:31:53,704 --> 00:31:54,704
I love you.
546
00:32:06,383 --> 00:32:07,550
Wade.
547
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:10,887
Weas.
548
00:32:11,013 --> 00:32:13,473
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
549
00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,642
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
550
00:32:15,726 --> 00:32:17,352
How about three shots
of Patron?
551
00:32:17,478 --> 00:32:21,147
Or how about
Triticum aestivum,
wheatgrass.
552
00:32:21,232 --> 00:32:22,565
Excellent for
the immune system.
553
00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:24,692
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.
554
00:32:24,819 --> 00:32:25,902
Here, check it out.
555
00:32:26,028 --> 00:32:29,364
She's sending away
for all these colorful
clinic brochures.
556
00:32:29,532 --> 00:32:31,241
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.
557
00:32:31,742 --> 00:32:34,577
Chechnya. isn't that where
you go to get cancer?
558
00:32:34,745 --> 00:32:37,497
You got China
and Central Mexico.
559
00:32:37,915 --> 00:32:40,083
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?
560
00:32:40,251 --> 00:32:41,251
No.
561
00:32:41,919 --> 00:32:43,503
El Cancer.
Oh.
562
00:32:43,587 --> 00:32:45,421
I could have
guessed that.
563
00:32:45,923 --> 00:32:47,298
Look how happy
you look here.
564
00:32:47,383 --> 00:32:49,008
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,
565
00:32:49,093 --> 00:32:51,511
so I can remember
when you looked alive.
566
00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:53,888
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.
567
00:32:54,014 --> 00:32:56,641
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
568
00:32:56,725 --> 00:32:58,518
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
569
00:32:58,602 --> 00:32:59,727
Oh.
570
00:33:01,105 --> 00:33:03,648
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.
571
00:33:03,732 --> 00:33:06,568
Real Grim Reaper type.
572
00:33:06,694 --> 00:33:08,611
I don't know.
Might further the plot.
573
00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:13,741
Boothe.
574
00:33:13,868 --> 00:33:14,951
Wade.
575
00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:21,249
Mr. Wilson.
576
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,876
How can I help you?
577
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,587
Besides luring children
into a panel van.
578
00:33:25,713 --> 00:33:29,299
I understand you've
recently been diagnosed
with terminal cancer.
579
00:33:29,425 --> 00:33:30,508
Stalker alert.
580
00:33:30,593 --> 00:33:32,760
It's my job.
Recruitment.
581
00:33:33,470 --> 00:33:35,930
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.
582
00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:39,142
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.
583
00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:41,728
41 confirmed kills.
584
00:33:42,271 --> 00:33:43,605
One every seven weeks.
585
00:33:43,731 --> 00:33:45,982
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...
586
00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:47,984
it's to wash
the taste out.
587
00:33:48,110 --> 00:33:51,154
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.
588
00:33:51,572 --> 00:33:53,489
And now you
spend your days
589
00:33:53,616 --> 00:33:55,491
sticking up for
the little people...
590
00:33:55,618 --> 00:33:57,160
People change.
What do you want?
591
00:33:57,620 --> 00:34:00,663
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
592
00:34:02,625 --> 00:34:06,294
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
593
00:34:06,921 --> 00:34:11,007
And what's more,
give you abilities
most men only dream of?
594
00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:16,471
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,
595
00:34:16,597 --> 00:34:18,681
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.
596
00:34:18,807 --> 00:34:20,350
More Shake Weight-y.
597
00:34:20,476 --> 00:34:23,436
The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.
598
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:25,605
We won't just
make you better.
599
00:34:25,689 --> 00:34:28,691
We will make you
better than better.
600
00:34:29,693 --> 00:34:30,985
A superhero.
601
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,113
Look, Agent Smith,
602
00:34:34,198 --> 00:34:36,324
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.
603
00:34:36,784 --> 00:34:39,369
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
604
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:41,329
Oh, um...
605
00:34:41,830 --> 00:34:43,331
Shit. We're within
500 yards of a school,
606
00:34:43,457 --> 00:34:44,666
so you may wanna...
607
00:34:49,672 --> 00:34:50,880
His drink's on him.
608
00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:58,263
What did he say?
609
00:35:20,911 --> 00:35:22,495
Hey, what's going on?
610
00:35:22,579 --> 00:35:25,039
Hey. Sorry.
611
00:35:26,500 --> 00:35:28,501
I had a Liam Neeson
nightmare.
612
00:35:29,378 --> 00:35:30,837
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter
613
00:35:30,921 --> 00:35:32,547
and he just
wasn't having it.
614
00:35:40,264 --> 00:35:44,434
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.
615
00:35:45,436 --> 00:35:48,604
At some point you have
to wonder if he's
just a bad parent.
616
00:35:48,731 --> 00:35:49,731
Hmm.
617
00:36:03,037 --> 00:36:06,622
The worst part
about cancer isn'twhat it does to you...
618
00:36:07,041 --> 00:36:09,917
but what it does tothe people you love.
619
00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:12,712
Who knew if this guycould save my life...
620
00:36:12,796 --> 00:36:15,465
but I knew there was only oneway that I could save hers.
621
00:36:19,636 --> 00:36:21,929
isn't that whatsuperheroes do?
622
00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:38,321
Okay. Let's pro-con
this superhero thing.
623
00:36:38,989 --> 00:36:40,114
Ow.
624
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:43,117
Pro: They pull downa gaggle of ass.
625
00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:44,577
Local dry cleaning discounts.
626
00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:46,412
Lucrative film deals,both origin stories
627
00:36:46,497 --> 00:36:48,623
and larger ensembleteam movies.
628
00:36:48,749 --> 00:36:51,542
Con: They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.
629
00:36:51,877 --> 00:36:53,586
You know,
I can hear you.
630
00:36:53,670 --> 00:36:56,547
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
631
00:36:56,632 --> 00:36:58,341
Stay right here.
632
00:36:59,009 --> 00:37:01,094
You've been
warned before, Deadpool.
633
00:37:01,345 --> 00:37:04,931
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
634
00:37:05,015 --> 00:37:07,100
You will both
be coming with us.
635
00:37:07,184 --> 00:37:09,018
Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for
636
00:37:09,144 --> 00:37:11,145
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!
637
00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:13,106
And you are?
638
00:37:14,691 --> 00:37:16,484
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
639
00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:19,987
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
640
00:37:20,114 --> 00:37:21,864
That's the coolest name ever!
641
00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:25,952
So, what, you're like,
uh, his sidekick?
642
00:37:26,036 --> 00:37:27,495
No. Trainee.
643
00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:28,996
Let me guess.
644
00:37:29,123 --> 00:37:31,541
X-Men left you behind
on what? Shit detail?
645
00:37:31,667 --> 00:37:32,708
What does that make you?
646
00:37:32,835 --> 00:37:35,169
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
647
00:37:35,295 --> 00:37:36,504
Can we trade names?
648
00:37:36,630 --> 00:37:38,131
Can we go?
649
00:37:38,215 --> 00:37:40,550
Look!
I'm a teenage girl.
650
00:37:40,676 --> 00:37:42,802
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.
651
00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:45,054
I'm all about
long sullen silences...
652
00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:48,641
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
653
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:52,270
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
654
00:37:52,354 --> 00:37:54,897
or mean comment? Go on.
655
00:37:56,233 --> 00:37:57,358
You got me in a box here.
656
00:37:57,484 --> 00:37:58,484
Aha!
657
00:37:58,569 --> 00:38:00,486
We can't allow this,
Deadpool.
658
00:38:00,571 --> 00:38:01,988
Please, come quietly.
659
00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:04,323
You big chrome
cock-gobbler!
660
00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:05,408
That's not nice.
661
00:38:05,492 --> 00:38:06,993
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?
662
00:38:07,327 --> 00:38:11,664
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
663
00:38:11,748 --> 00:38:14,333
He's pure evil.
664
00:38:14,710 --> 00:38:18,004
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.
665
00:38:23,260 --> 00:38:25,428
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
666
00:38:25,554 --> 00:38:28,556
Wade, you are
better than this.
667
00:38:28,849 --> 00:38:31,184
Join us.
Use your powers for good.
668
00:38:31,268 --> 00:38:32,268
Heads up.
669
00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:33,603
Be a superhero.
670
00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:34,687
Listen!
671
00:38:34,771 --> 00:38:37,106
The day I decide to
become a crime-fighting
shit-swizzler...
672
00:38:37,232 --> 00:38:40,526
who rooms with a bunch
of other little whiners
at the Neverland mansion...
673
00:38:40,611 --> 00:38:45,448
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking
motherfucker...
674
00:38:45,574 --> 00:38:47,283
on that day...
675
00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:49,535
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
676
00:38:49,620 --> 00:38:52,121
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.
677
00:38:52,247 --> 00:38:54,874
Either that or slap
the bitch outta you!
678
00:38:54,958 --> 00:38:56,209
Wade...
Hey.
679
00:38:56,293 --> 00:38:57,418
Zip it, Sinéad!
680
00:38:57,544 --> 00:38:58,503
Hey, douche-pool!
681
00:38:58,587 --> 00:38:59,879
And I hope
you're watching...
682
00:39:04,635 --> 00:39:06,427
Quite unfortunate.
683
00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,058
That does it!
684
00:39:13,477 --> 00:39:14,477
Oh!
685
00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:17,813
Canada!
686
00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:20,066
That's not good.
687
00:39:20,150 --> 00:39:21,275
Wade, please.
688
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:23,819
Cock shot!
689
00:39:24,279 --> 00:39:25,947
Oh, your poor wife.
690
00:39:26,073 --> 00:39:27,823
You really should stop.
691
00:39:31,453 --> 00:39:33,829
All the dinosaurs
feared the T. rex.
692
00:39:38,502 --> 00:39:40,628
I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!
693
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:42,588
This is embarrassing.
694
00:39:42,673 --> 00:39:44,465
Please, stay down.
695
00:39:45,509 --> 00:39:47,927
You ever hear
of the one-legged man
in the ass-kicking contest?
696
00:39:48,011 --> 00:39:49,428
Do you have
off switch?
697
00:39:49,513 --> 00:39:51,138
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.
698
00:39:51,265 --> 00:39:52,306
Or is that the on switch?
699
00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:54,433
Enough!
700
00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:04,860
Let us go talk
to the Professor.
701
00:40:05,362 --> 00:40:07,113
McAvoy or Stewart?
702
00:40:07,197 --> 00:40:09,448
These timelines
are so confusing.
703
00:40:10,784 --> 00:40:13,369
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"
704
00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:15,037
You will
recover, Wade.
705
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:16,831
You always do.
706
00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:24,880
You ever see 127 Hours?
Spoiler alert.
707
00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:29,719
Oh, my God.
708
00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:30,886
Nasty.
709
00:40:34,016 --> 00:40:35,308
Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.
710
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,519
Are You There God?It's Me, Margaret.
711
00:40:49,531 --> 00:40:51,907
Rock, meet bottom.
712
00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:55,411
And when life ends upbreathtakingly fucked...
713
00:40:55,704 --> 00:40:59,874
you can generally trace itback to one big, bad decision.
714
00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:03,127
The one that sent youdown the road to Shitsburgh.
715
00:41:03,211 --> 00:41:06,005
This? Well, this was mine.
716
00:41:06,882 --> 00:41:08,257
Mr. Wilson.
717
00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:14,138
Nothing warms my heart
more than a change
of someone else's.
718
00:41:14,222 --> 00:41:15,931
You finally hit "fuck it."
719
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,101
Just promise
you'll do right by me.
720
00:41:19,770 --> 00:41:21,771
So I can do right
by someone else.
721
00:41:21,897 --> 00:41:23,064
Of course.
722
00:41:23,732 --> 00:41:25,566
And please don't make
the super-suit green.
723
00:41:26,777 --> 00:41:28,277
Or animated.
724
00:41:34,785 --> 00:41:36,369
Move it! Keep moving.
725
00:41:48,465 --> 00:41:50,591
This place seems sanitary.
726
00:41:51,426 --> 00:41:53,552
My first request
is warmer hands.
727
00:41:53,637 --> 00:41:57,431
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.
728
00:41:58,975 --> 00:42:01,143
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
729
00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:03,104
I'm thinking
"pork and beans."
730
00:42:06,483 --> 00:42:08,609
Easy.
731
00:42:10,612 --> 00:42:12,822
Aren't you a little
strong for a lady?
732
00:42:13,615 --> 00:42:14,990
I'm calling wang.
733
00:42:18,954 --> 00:42:20,121
What's up with the matches?
734
00:42:20,455 --> 00:42:23,124
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
735
00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:25,960
Patience, Angel.
736
00:42:26,962 --> 00:42:28,504
All in good time.
737
00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:30,631
Are you here for
the turndown service,
or what?
738
00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:33,259
We have another talker.
739
00:42:33,343 --> 00:42:35,261
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.
740
00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,513
Shut the fuck up.
741
00:42:40,809 --> 00:42:42,768
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
742
00:42:43,812 --> 00:42:45,855
I manage this workshop.
743
00:42:46,982 --> 00:42:50,192
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...
744
00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:51,736
"This may hurt a little."
745
00:42:51,820 --> 00:42:53,821
"This may cause you
some discomfort."
746
00:42:53,947 --> 00:42:56,198
But I've grown blunt.
747
00:42:56,324 --> 00:42:58,868
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
748
00:42:58,994 --> 00:43:02,538
It's a private institution
that turns reclamation
projects like yourself...
749
00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:06,000
into men of
extraordinary abilities.
750
00:43:07,669 --> 00:43:10,880
But if you think
super-human powers
are acquired painlessly...
751
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,215
Wrong.
752
00:43:13,341 --> 00:43:14,800
I'm injecting you
with a serum...
753
00:43:14,885 --> 00:43:17,553
that activates any mutant
genes lurking in your DNA.
754
00:43:17,679 --> 00:43:21,557
For it to work
we need to subject you
to extreme stress.
755
00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:30,232
You've heard that whole
"make an omelet,
break some eggs" bit, right?
756
00:43:31,067 --> 00:43:32,526
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
757
00:43:33,695 --> 00:43:36,197
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.
758
00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:39,241
The treatment affects
everyone differently.
759
00:43:39,576 --> 00:43:42,411
It made Angel
inhumanly strong.
760
00:43:42,746 --> 00:43:46,749
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.
761
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:50,211
Also scorched
my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
762
00:43:51,922 --> 00:43:55,758
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.
763
00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:07,061
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
764
00:44:07,395 --> 00:44:09,104
You have something
in your teeth.
765
00:44:10,065 --> 00:44:12,191
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
766
00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:15,319
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.
767
00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:19,615
it's been bothering me
for a long time.
768
00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:22,117
Ah, made you look.
769
00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:24,036
Hey, is Ajax
your actual name?
770
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:25,830
Because it sounds
suspiciously made up.
771
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:26,997
What is it, really?
772
00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:29,333
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
773
00:44:29,417 --> 00:44:31,043
Mitch? The Rickster?
774
00:44:31,795 --> 00:44:33,295
Is it Basil Fawlty?
775
00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:35,130
Oh, joke away.
776
00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:36,882
One thing that never
survives this place
777
00:44:36,967 --> 00:44:38,467
is a sense of humor.
778
00:44:38,969 --> 00:44:40,094
We'll see about that.
779
00:44:40,220 --> 00:44:41,595
I suppose we will.
780
00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:44,515
He's all yours.
781
00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:45,599
Oh, come on.
782
00:44:46,309 --> 00:44:47,726
You're gonna leave me
all alone here
783
00:44:47,811 --> 00:44:49,436
with less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?
784
00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:55,860
This is how
it's going to work.
785
00:44:55,944 --> 00:44:58,946
Adrenaline acts as a catalystfor the serum...
786
00:44:59,614 --> 00:45:02,116
so we're goingto have to make you suffer.
787
00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:05,744
If you're lucky,the mutant genes will activate
788
00:45:05,829 --> 00:45:08,664
and manifest ina spectacular fashion.
789
00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:15,754
If not, well, we'llhave to keep on hurting you...
790
00:45:17,632 --> 00:45:18,841
in new and different ways,
791
00:45:18,967 --> 00:45:20,342
each more painfulthan the last...
792
00:45:23,013 --> 00:45:25,347
until you finally mutate.
793
00:45:26,975 --> 00:45:28,183
Or die.
794
00:45:35,025 --> 00:45:36,609
You mean a bucket list?
795
00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:38,944
Like a fuck-it list.
796
00:45:39,029 --> 00:45:40,279
I'd really like
to light a spliff
797
00:45:40,363 --> 00:45:41,697
off the Olympic torch.
798
00:45:42,324 --> 00:45:44,116
Pass it
to me right after.
799
00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:47,620
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping
800
00:45:47,704 --> 00:45:50,164
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.
801
00:45:51,207 --> 00:45:54,335
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
802
00:45:54,836 --> 00:45:57,713
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.
803
00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:01,175
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
804
00:46:05,847 --> 00:46:09,224
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.
805
00:46:12,687 --> 00:46:14,730
Vanessa.
806
00:46:18,234 --> 00:46:20,569
I wanna see Vanessa.
807
00:46:20,695 --> 00:46:21,987
You're lovely.
808
00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:25,449
I don't know about
anyone else, but I'm touched.
809
00:46:25,533 --> 00:46:26,533
We were just joking.
810
00:46:26,618 --> 00:46:28,911
No, no. it's okay.
811
00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:31,747
I encourage distractions.
812
00:46:32,540 --> 00:46:34,833
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?
813
00:46:34,918 --> 00:46:36,752
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.
814
00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:40,047
How tough can he be...
815
00:46:40,215 --> 00:46:43,092
with a name like Francis?
816
00:46:43,718 --> 00:46:44,760
Francis?
817
00:46:45,095 --> 00:46:46,553
That's his legal name.
818
00:46:47,097 --> 00:46:50,599
He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.
819
00:46:52,602 --> 00:46:56,230
F, R, A, N, C, l...
820
00:46:56,773 --> 00:46:58,065
Oops!
821
00:46:59,901 --> 00:47:02,736
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
822
00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:07,032
FYl, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
823
00:47:07,117 --> 00:47:08,492
You are so
relentlessly annoying.
824
00:47:08,576 --> 00:47:09,576
Thanks.
825
00:47:09,661 --> 00:47:10,869
Never heard that before.
826
00:47:10,954 --> 00:47:14,164
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?
827
00:47:14,249 --> 00:47:16,250
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.
828
00:47:16,751 --> 00:47:17,960
Oh...
829
00:47:18,086 --> 00:47:19,628
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
830
00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:21,255
See, here's the problem with
831
00:47:21,381 --> 00:47:23,048
round-the-clock torture...
832
00:47:23,133 --> 00:47:26,093
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
833
00:47:28,763 --> 00:47:31,098
Is that what you think?
834
00:47:36,312 --> 00:47:38,814
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...
835
00:47:39,649 --> 00:47:40,983
nothing will.
836
00:47:41,443 --> 00:47:42,568
Now, what we're going to do is
837
00:47:42,652 --> 00:47:44,361
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...
838
00:47:44,446 --> 00:47:47,114
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
839
00:47:47,323 --> 00:47:48,574
If your brainwaves slow,
840
00:47:48,658 --> 00:47:50,492
meaning you're
about to pass out...
841
00:47:51,161 --> 00:47:52,327
then we'll turn up the O2.
842
00:47:53,329 --> 00:47:54,747
If your heart rate slows...
843
00:47:54,831 --> 00:47:57,458
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...
844
00:47:57,625 --> 00:47:58,959
we'll turn it back down.
845
00:47:59,627 --> 00:48:01,086
And that's where
we'll leave you.
846
00:48:01,171 --> 00:48:03,297
Right there.
847
00:48:03,631 --> 00:48:05,883
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.
848
00:48:05,967 --> 00:48:08,343
You know
the funniest part of this?
849
00:48:09,137 --> 00:48:11,513
You still think we're making
you a superhero.
850
00:48:12,348 --> 00:48:15,809
You. A dishonorable discharge.
851
00:48:16,519 --> 00:48:18,645
Hip-deep in hookers.
852
00:48:19,314 --> 00:48:20,981
You're nothing.
853
00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:23,358
Little secret, Wade.
854
00:48:24,194 --> 00:48:26,028
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,
855
00:48:26,154 --> 00:48:28,322
we make super-slaves.
856
00:48:29,365 --> 00:48:31,075
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar
857
00:48:31,159 --> 00:48:33,160
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.
858
00:48:33,870 --> 00:48:35,329
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?
859
00:48:36,164 --> 00:48:39,541
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
860
00:48:41,711 --> 00:48:44,546
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.
861
00:48:45,048 --> 00:48:47,549
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
862
00:48:52,847 --> 00:48:55,516
You're never going home
after this.
863
00:48:55,683 --> 00:48:57,893
Now there's a brave face.
864
00:48:58,895 --> 00:49:00,521
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
865
00:49:02,857 --> 00:49:06,735
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.
866
00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:10,030
Enjoy your weekend.
867
00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:12,074
"Weekend"? Back up.
868
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:13,367
Weekend?
869
00:49:55,076 --> 00:49:57,119
Did I saythis was a love story?
870
00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:59,621
No, it's a horror movie.
871
00:50:16,139 --> 00:50:18,223
Fucking hell.
872
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:21,476
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.
873
00:50:21,644 --> 00:50:23,604
What have you done to me?
874
00:50:23,813 --> 00:50:25,147
I've merely raised
your stress levels
875
00:50:25,273 --> 00:50:26,982
high enough
to trigger a mutation.
876
00:50:27,150 --> 00:50:29,318
You sadistic fuck!
877
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,486
I've cured you, Wade.
878
00:50:32,322 --> 00:50:33,989
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.
879
00:50:35,116 --> 00:50:37,826
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
880
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:41,663
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.
881
00:50:42,999 --> 00:50:43,999
I could cure them...
882
00:50:47,629 --> 00:50:49,296
but where's the fun in that?
883
00:50:51,633 --> 00:50:54,176
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.
884
00:50:55,970 --> 00:50:57,971
Not because I need to.
885
00:51:01,851 --> 00:51:03,644
Because I want to.
886
00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,159
Oh, well.
887
00:51:19,535 --> 00:51:20,786
Go ahead.
888
00:51:23,831 --> 00:51:25,540
Oh, you smell like shit.
889
00:51:26,834 --> 00:51:28,794
Whoa!
890
00:51:28,878 --> 00:51:29,878
Motherfucker.
891
00:51:30,838 --> 00:51:32,714
Hey, hey, hey.
It's all right,
it's all right.
892
00:51:33,841 --> 00:51:35,759
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?
893
00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:38,220
You take off. Go on.
894
00:51:39,013 --> 00:51:40,347
Off you go.
895
00:51:51,359 --> 00:51:53,026
Quick question.
896
00:51:55,238 --> 00:51:57,239
What's my name?
897
00:52:03,037 --> 00:52:04,371
Didn't think so.
898
00:52:06,249 --> 00:52:09,001
Sorry, Francis.My lips are sealed.
899
00:54:05,493 --> 00:54:06,785
You don't want to kill me.
900
00:54:06,869 --> 00:54:09,204
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
901
00:55:05,928 --> 00:55:07,429
What's my name?
902
00:55:13,603 --> 00:55:14,769
Wade.
903
00:56:22,129 --> 00:56:25,173
I didn't just get
the cure to el cancer...
904
00:56:26,676 --> 00:56:29,344
I got the cureto el everything.
905
00:56:33,015 --> 00:56:35,141
But there wasonly one thing...
906
00:56:35,309 --> 00:56:36,977
that really mattered.
907
00:57:06,382 --> 00:57:07,382
Come on, let's go.
908
00:57:12,847 --> 00:57:15,515
Oh, that must hurt.
909
00:57:16,517 --> 00:57:18,018
Thank you so much.
910
00:57:29,905 --> 00:57:32,073
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
911
00:57:32,199 --> 00:57:33,575
Look at his face.
912
00:57:33,701 --> 00:57:35,994
Oh, my God. Poor guy.
913
00:57:36,078 --> 00:57:37,078
Honey, don't stare.
914
00:57:37,246 --> 00:57:38,413
Freak.
915
00:57:58,768 --> 00:58:02,103
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.
916
00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:04,773
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.
917
00:58:05,024 --> 00:58:06,232
Ah, bullshit!
918
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:09,569
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
919
00:58:09,695 --> 00:58:12,238
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
920
00:58:12,365 --> 00:58:13,740
Oh! Oh.
921
00:58:14,033 --> 00:58:15,116
Do you like what you see?
922
00:58:15,242 --> 00:58:16,409
No.
923
00:58:16,911 --> 00:58:18,370
You look like an avocado
924
00:58:18,454 --> 00:58:20,789
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.
925
00:58:20,915 --> 00:58:21,915
Yeah.
926
00:58:22,083 --> 00:58:24,084
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.
927
00:58:24,251 --> 00:58:26,044
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
928
00:58:26,128 --> 00:58:27,962
and that was
the only catharsis
929
00:58:28,089 --> 00:58:29,714
that they could find
without violence.
930
00:58:29,924 --> 00:58:32,342
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
931
00:58:32,426 --> 00:58:35,095
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
932
00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:36,971
And he's gone. Poof!
933
00:58:37,139 --> 00:58:38,848
Yeah, well you
gotta do something
to remedy this...
934
00:58:38,933 --> 00:58:40,016
because as of now,
935
00:58:40,101 --> 00:58:41,810
you only have
one course of action.
936
00:58:41,977 --> 00:58:43,103
Damn straight.
937
00:58:43,270 --> 00:58:45,021
Find Francis.
Star in horror films.
938
00:58:45,106 --> 00:58:46,106
What?
939
00:58:46,273 --> 00:58:48,233
Star in your own horror films.
940
00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:49,734
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger
941
00:58:49,819 --> 00:58:52,278
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.
942
00:58:53,114 --> 00:58:54,864
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.
943
00:58:54,949 --> 00:58:56,032
I'm gonna work
through his crew
944
00:58:56,117 --> 00:58:57,534
until somebody
gives up Francis...
945
00:58:57,618 --> 00:58:59,994
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...
946
00:59:00,121 --> 00:59:01,705
and fuck the brain hole.
947
00:59:01,789 --> 00:59:04,791
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
948
00:59:04,917 --> 00:59:06,626
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?
949
00:59:06,711 --> 00:59:07,544
Yeah.
950
00:59:08,170 --> 00:59:09,754
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
951
00:59:09,839 --> 00:59:11,506
What, like, wear a mask?
952
00:59:11,632 --> 00:59:14,509
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
953
00:59:15,136 --> 00:59:16,219
I am sorry...
954
00:59:16,303 --> 00:59:18,805
you are haunting.
955
00:59:18,973 --> 00:59:20,890
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.
956
00:59:20,975 --> 00:59:22,267
Like a testicle with teeth.
957
00:59:22,351 --> 00:59:24,060
You will die alone.
958
00:59:24,145 --> 00:59:25,812
I mean, if you could die.
959
00:59:26,355 --> 00:59:28,356
Ideally, for others' sake.
960
00:59:28,482 --> 00:59:29,649
That'll do.
961
00:59:29,984 --> 00:59:31,735
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
962
00:59:31,819 --> 00:59:33,653
like Wade the Wisecracker...
963
00:59:34,155 --> 00:59:37,198
or Scaredevil,
Mr. Neverdie.
964
00:59:37,825 --> 00:59:39,159
Oh, shit.
965
00:59:39,660 --> 00:59:40,827
What?
966
00:59:41,662 --> 00:59:43,580
I put all my money
on you and now...
967
00:59:43,664 --> 00:59:45,081
I just realized
I'm never gonna
win the, uh...
968
00:59:45,166 --> 00:59:46,207
Dead pool.
969
00:59:50,171 --> 00:59:52,505
Captain Deadpool...
970
00:59:54,341 --> 00:59:55,425
No, just...
971
00:59:55,509 --> 00:59:57,051
Just Deadpool, yeah.
Just Deadpool.
972
00:59:57,344 --> 00:59:59,220
To you, Mr. Pool.
973
00:59:59,513 --> 01:00:00,513
Deadpool.
974
01:00:00,681 --> 01:00:02,015
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.
975
01:00:16,697 --> 01:00:18,698
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.
976
01:00:19,366 --> 01:00:20,867
Where's Francis?
977
01:00:34,882 --> 01:00:36,549
Where's Francis?
978
01:00:44,892 --> 01:00:46,893
Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.
979
01:00:48,229 --> 01:00:51,064
Or wear red. Dumbass.
980
01:01:09,792 --> 01:01:11,251
Don't make me
ask twice.
981
01:01:12,628 --> 01:01:13,920
Where...
982
01:01:14,088 --> 01:01:16,256
is Francis?
983
01:01:16,757 --> 01:01:18,466
He made me ask twice.
984
01:01:18,592 --> 01:01:20,593
Is the mask muffling my voice?
985
01:01:25,307 --> 01:01:26,766
Where's Francis?
986
01:01:29,436 --> 01:01:31,271
Where the fuck is Francis?
987
01:01:39,947 --> 01:01:43,157
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.
988
01:01:43,325 --> 01:01:44,534
Where's Francis?
989
01:01:45,953 --> 01:01:47,120
No! Please!
990
01:01:47,788 --> 01:01:50,582
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
991
01:01:51,792 --> 01:01:54,335
Oh! You little
spider monkey!
992
01:01:57,464 --> 01:02:00,925
Where... is... Francis?
993
01:02:02,136 --> 01:02:03,261
This is confusing.
994
01:02:03,345 --> 01:02:04,679
Is it sexist to hit you?
995
01:02:04,805 --> 01:02:06,264
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?
996
01:02:06,348 --> 01:02:08,641
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.
997
01:02:09,810 --> 01:02:10,977
WHERE lS FRANCIS?
998
01:02:12,521 --> 01:02:14,480
Tell me where
your fucking boss is
999
01:02:14,648 --> 01:02:15,815
or you're gonna die!
1000
01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:18,026
In five minutes!
1001
01:02:28,162 --> 01:02:29,996
Don't hesitate to call me.
1002
01:02:45,554 --> 01:02:47,722
Nice to see you, Jared.
1003
01:02:48,891 --> 01:02:50,350
I'll take the footlong...
1004
01:02:50,684 --> 01:02:51,684
Fully loaded.
1005
01:03:05,866 --> 01:03:07,200
Whoa, whoa!
1006
01:03:07,368 --> 01:03:08,868
41 confirmed kills.
1007
01:03:09,036 --> 01:03:11,371
Now it's 89.
About to be 90.
1008
01:03:12,206 --> 01:03:13,206
Mr. Wilson?
1009
01:03:13,374 --> 01:03:14,374
Ding-ding.
1010
01:03:15,209 --> 01:03:17,377
You're looking
very alive.
1011
01:03:17,586 --> 01:03:19,253
Ha! Only on the outside!
1012
01:03:19,922 --> 01:03:21,422
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?
1013
01:03:21,548 --> 01:03:22,799
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.
1014
01:03:22,883 --> 01:03:24,008
Where's your boss?
1015
01:03:24,093 --> 01:03:25,635
I can tell you exactly...
1016
01:03:27,429 --> 01:03:29,389
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...
1017
01:03:29,890 --> 01:03:32,141
You might wanna
look away for this.
1018
01:03:32,226 --> 01:03:33,518
Now this little piggy
went to...
1019
01:03:35,604 --> 01:03:37,897
Thank you, Agent Smith.
1020
01:03:41,568 --> 01:03:42,568
Taxi!
1021
01:03:44,071 --> 01:03:46,322
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
1022
01:03:48,242 --> 01:03:49,617
And we all know
how this turned out.
1023
01:03:52,579 --> 01:03:54,789
Whoops!You weren't meant to see that.
1024
01:04:02,756 --> 01:04:04,590
There. All caught up.
1025
01:04:12,599 --> 01:04:14,434
We're here.
1026
01:04:15,102 --> 01:04:18,438
Sorry about
bleeding in all
your garbage.
1027
01:04:24,778 --> 01:04:26,779
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.
1028
01:04:27,281 --> 01:04:28,281
Whoo!
1029
01:04:28,949 --> 01:04:31,492
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...
1030
01:04:31,618 --> 01:04:33,703
like the kind where
your year-long plan
1031
01:04:33,787 --> 01:04:36,622
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!
1032
01:04:37,291 --> 01:04:40,084
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,
1033
01:04:40,169 --> 01:04:41,794
there's no place like home.
1034
01:04:42,463 --> 01:04:44,505
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,
1035
01:04:44,631 --> 01:04:46,966
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.
1036
01:04:47,301 --> 01:04:48,843
God, I miss cocaine.
1037
01:04:49,178 --> 01:04:50,178
Her.
1038
01:04:50,345 --> 01:04:53,973
Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
1039
01:04:54,141 --> 01:04:56,684
That's like 16 walls.
1040
01:04:57,311 --> 01:04:58,770
She's like Robin to my Batman,
1041
01:04:58,854 --> 01:05:02,523
except she's old,
and black, and blind.
1042
01:05:02,816 --> 01:05:04,358
And I think
she's in love with me.
1043
01:05:04,818 --> 01:05:08,196
Wait, pretty sureRobin loves Batman, too.
1044
01:05:18,207 --> 01:05:19,207
Al?
1045
01:05:21,668 --> 01:05:22,877
Morning, sleepyhead.
1046
01:05:24,505 --> 01:05:26,547
it smells like
old lady pants in here.
1047
01:05:26,715 --> 01:05:28,508
Yes, I'm old.
I wear pants.
1048
01:05:28,717 --> 01:05:30,343
But you're no lady.
1049
01:05:30,552 --> 01:05:33,179
Oh! So comfy.
1050
01:05:33,889 --> 01:05:36,849
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.
1051
01:05:37,017 --> 01:05:38,309
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
1052
01:05:38,393 --> 01:05:39,519
Yes, I know.
1053
01:05:40,020 --> 01:05:42,563
Downside of being blind...
1054
01:05:42,731 --> 01:05:44,899
I hear everything
in this duplex.
1055
01:05:47,236 --> 01:05:48,361
Sit on a stick.
1056
01:05:48,487 --> 01:05:49,487
Bactin?
1057
01:05:49,571 --> 01:05:53,699
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
1058
01:05:54,868 --> 01:05:56,494
How's that Kullen
coming along?
1059
01:05:56,578 --> 01:05:58,538
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.
1060
01:05:58,705 --> 01:06:01,541
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
1061
01:06:01,708 --> 01:06:03,584
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.
1062
01:06:04,253 --> 01:06:06,754
Please. Anything's
an improvement
over the Hurdal.
1063
01:06:06,922 --> 01:06:10,424
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
1064
01:06:11,051 --> 01:06:13,803
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
1065
01:06:13,887 --> 01:06:14,929
Screw, please.
1066
01:06:15,097 --> 01:06:16,389
Here? Now?
Just kidding.
1067
01:06:16,557 --> 01:06:17,682
I know it's been decades.
1068
01:06:17,766 --> 01:06:18,891
You'd be surprised.
1069
01:06:19,601 --> 01:06:20,726
Pretty grossed out.
1070
01:06:22,729 --> 01:06:25,106
Ta... Da.
1071
01:06:30,904 --> 01:06:34,073
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.
1072
01:06:34,449 --> 01:06:35,700
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,
1073
01:06:35,784 --> 01:06:37,034
"blind to
life's imperfections.
1074
01:06:37,119 --> 01:06:38,202
"Must be good with hands."
1075
01:06:38,287 --> 01:06:40,496
Or would you rather I build
the lKEA, and you pay rent?
1076
01:06:40,581 --> 01:06:42,456
Why such a douche
this morning?
1077
01:06:43,250 --> 01:06:44,333
Let's recap.
1078
01:06:44,418 --> 01:06:46,586
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...
1079
01:06:46,753 --> 01:06:48,421
slipped through
my arms today...
1080
01:06:50,090 --> 01:06:51,257
Arm.
1081
01:06:51,758 --> 01:06:52,758
Catching him was
my only chance
1082
01:06:52,926 --> 01:06:54,844
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...
1083
01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:57,180
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.
1084
01:06:57,264 --> 01:06:59,182
So, yeah,
today was about as much fun
1085
01:06:59,266 --> 01:07:00,975
as a sandpaper dildo.
1086
01:07:02,936 --> 01:07:04,437
# driveby.
1087
01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:23,956
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
1088
01:07:26,293 --> 01:07:28,127
Fucking Wade Wilson.
1089
01:07:29,129 --> 01:07:31,464
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.
1090
01:07:32,132 --> 01:07:33,633
I only wish I healed the same.
1091
01:07:37,638 --> 01:07:40,306
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.
1092
01:07:40,474 --> 01:07:41,682
On our terms.
1093
01:07:42,142 --> 01:07:43,851
Right.
And when he heals?
1094
01:07:44,853 --> 01:07:45,853
He can't.
1095
01:07:46,146 --> 01:07:48,564
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
1096
01:07:48,649 --> 01:07:52,652
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
1097
01:07:54,112 --> 01:07:55,488
I like a challenge.
1098
01:07:56,865 --> 01:07:58,866
But he's bad
for business.
1099
01:07:59,034 --> 01:08:00,785
Now let's go
find him.
1100
01:08:01,662 --> 01:08:02,662
Oh.
1101
01:08:05,207 --> 01:08:06,540
Tylenol PM?
1102
01:08:06,708 --> 01:08:09,210
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
1103
01:08:09,628 --> 01:08:11,879
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
1104
01:08:12,047 --> 01:08:16,050
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
1105
01:08:18,887 --> 01:08:20,972
But I appreciate the gesture.
1106
01:08:21,848 --> 01:08:26,185
Am I crazy,
or is your hand
really small?
1107
01:08:26,353 --> 01:08:28,145
About the size of
a KFC spork.
1108
01:08:28,397 --> 01:08:29,397
Ugh.
1109
01:08:30,315 --> 01:08:32,400
I get why you're so pissy...
1110
01:08:32,567 --> 01:08:34,151
but your mood's
never gonna brighten
1111
01:08:34,236 --> 01:08:35,403
till you find this woman...
1112
01:08:35,570 --> 01:08:36,862
and tell her how you feel.
1113
01:08:37,030 --> 01:08:38,572
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?
1114
01:08:38,699 --> 01:08:40,241
She wouldn't have me.
1115
01:08:40,492 --> 01:08:42,076
If you could see me,
you'd understand.
1116
01:08:42,244 --> 01:08:43,244
Looks aren't everything.
1117
01:08:43,412 --> 01:08:44,412
Looks are everything.
1118
01:08:44,579 --> 01:08:46,539
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?
1119
01:08:46,707 --> 01:08:48,749
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
1120
01:08:49,167 --> 01:08:50,501
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far
1121
01:08:50,585 --> 01:08:52,253
on his superior acting method?
1122
01:08:52,421 --> 01:08:53,671
Love is blind, Wade.
1123
01:08:53,755 --> 01:08:54,755
No.
1124
01:08:55,882 --> 01:08:57,174
You're blind.
1125
01:08:57,843 --> 01:09:00,594
So, you're just gonna
lie there and whimper?
1126
01:09:00,762 --> 01:09:02,805
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...
1127
01:09:02,889 --> 01:09:03,889
and then I'm gonna
come up with
1128
01:09:03,974 --> 01:09:05,057
a whole new
Christmas Day plan.
1129
01:09:05,851 --> 01:09:07,059
In the meantime,
1130
01:09:07,185 --> 01:09:08,519
you might wanna
leave the room.
1131
01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:11,564
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.
1132
01:09:12,941 --> 01:09:15,401
Go, go, go.
1133
01:09:16,194 --> 01:09:17,778
So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is
1134
01:09:17,904 --> 01:09:19,071
"you don't have
that long to live."
1135
01:09:19,197 --> 01:09:20,698
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
1136
01:09:20,782 --> 01:09:22,658
The doctor says, "Five."
1137
01:09:22,743 --> 01:09:24,327
The guy says, "Five what?"
1138
01:09:24,411 --> 01:09:27,580
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
1139
01:09:35,464 --> 01:09:37,048
Can I help you ladies?
1140
01:09:39,634 --> 01:09:40,760
Oh, I do hope so.
1141
01:09:44,973 --> 01:09:46,432
I heard you might be
able to point me
1142
01:09:46,558 --> 01:09:49,101
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.
1143
01:09:49,644 --> 01:09:50,644
Name of Wade Wilson.
1144
01:09:52,230 --> 01:09:53,230
Sorry.
1145
01:09:53,398 --> 01:09:54,940
I don't know the name.
1146
01:10:02,282 --> 01:10:04,617
Hey, you're not supposed
to be behind the bar.
1147
01:10:08,330 --> 01:10:10,122
I've seen this girl.
1148
01:10:10,290 --> 01:10:11,582
Ah, this must be Vanessa.
1149
01:10:11,666 --> 01:10:12,833
I've heard so much about you.
1150
01:10:17,172 --> 01:10:19,298
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.
1151
01:10:19,925 --> 01:10:22,510
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
1152
01:10:23,929 --> 01:10:25,513
Easy, Angel.
1153
01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:27,098
Put the little man down.
1154
01:10:28,642 --> 01:10:30,434
We have everything
we need now.
1155
01:10:30,811 --> 01:10:31,852
You sure?
1156
01:10:32,604 --> 01:10:35,523
You don't want
any clothes that are
not monochromatic?
1157
01:10:35,690 --> 01:10:38,359
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade ll.
1158
01:10:40,529 --> 01:10:41,612
Whoo.
1159
01:10:42,030 --> 01:10:43,781
Thanks for having
my back, guys.
1160
01:10:48,787 --> 01:10:51,122
Wade, we have
a fucking problem.
1161
01:10:51,206 --> 01:10:53,040
And by "we," I mean "you."
1162
01:10:53,959 --> 01:10:55,626
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.
1163
01:10:56,128 --> 01:10:58,838
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?
1164
01:10:59,005 --> 01:11:01,048
Yeah, "afrangry",
I guess.
1165
01:11:01,216 --> 01:11:02,883
Have you decided
what you're gonna
say to her?
1166
01:11:03,051 --> 01:11:04,051
Fuck me!
1167
01:11:04,386 --> 01:11:06,303
Uh, maybe not
start with that.
1168
01:11:12,185 --> 01:11:15,354
Hey, coming ontoour stage right now...
1169
01:11:15,522 --> 01:11:17,690
give it up for Chastity!
1170
01:11:21,528 --> 01:11:23,737
Or as I like
to call her, lrony.
1171
01:11:23,905 --> 01:11:25,906
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.
1172
01:11:26,074 --> 01:11:27,491
How do you know
she's in here?
1173
01:11:27,659 --> 01:11:30,744
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.
1174
01:11:55,770 --> 01:11:59,273
Every time I see her,it's like the first time...
1175
01:12:00,108 --> 01:12:02,276
Especially from this angle.
1176
01:12:25,759 --> 01:12:27,051
You can't buy love,
1177
01:12:27,135 --> 01:12:29,553
but you can rent itfor three minutes.
1178
01:12:32,807 --> 01:12:35,476
Ah, you weak motherfucker!
1179
01:12:36,269 --> 01:12:37,269
Come on!
1180
01:12:38,480 --> 01:12:39,730
Come on, get it together.
1181
01:12:39,814 --> 01:12:41,815
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.
1182
01:12:45,946 --> 01:12:47,279
Here we go.
1183
01:12:49,908 --> 01:12:51,492
Maximum effort.
1184
01:12:54,996 --> 01:12:56,121
Vanessa.
1185
01:12:58,667 --> 01:13:00,584
Someone out back
asking for you.
1186
01:13:00,669 --> 01:13:02,795
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.
1187
01:13:30,156 --> 01:13:31,282
I knew it was you.
1188
01:13:33,118 --> 01:13:35,035
The weird,
curvy edges.
1189
01:13:36,621 --> 01:13:38,455
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
1190
01:13:48,508 --> 01:13:50,384
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.
1191
01:13:59,394 --> 01:14:00,894
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
1192
01:14:01,062 --> 01:14:02,896
Uh, I saw her
head to the back.
1193
01:14:03,023 --> 01:14:04,398
Go get her, tiger.
1194
01:14:27,422 --> 01:14:29,715
Fuck. Fuck!
1195
01:14:32,427 --> 01:14:34,053
Motherfucker!
1196
01:14:34,220 --> 01:14:35,304
Wait, wait.
Let's... Just...
1197
01:14:35,388 --> 01:14:36,388
Cock juggling...
1198
01:14:36,473 --> 01:14:37,473
We can talk about
what we're gonna...
1199
01:14:37,557 --> 01:14:38,557
Jiminy! Fuck face!
1200
01:14:38,642 --> 01:14:39,808
Okay, or you
can hit that.
1201
01:14:39,893 --> 01:14:41,685
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck! Fuck!
1202
01:14:41,770 --> 01:14:43,145
No, no.
All right. Hey!
1203
01:14:43,229 --> 01:14:44,438
Fuck! Fuck!
1204
01:14:44,939 --> 01:14:45,939
Fuck!
Hey, um...
1205
01:14:46,608 --> 01:14:48,942
Whoa! Whoa!
Relax. Relax. Okay.
1206
01:14:49,110 --> 01:14:50,402
Okay. I think
that's a good start.
1207
01:14:50,528 --> 01:14:52,446
Oh, I'm gonna rip
his motherfucking...
1208
01:14:52,572 --> 01:14:53,572
Wait.
1209
01:14:53,698 --> 01:14:55,157
Find it! Find it.
What?
1210
01:14:55,241 --> 01:14:56,617
I'm gonna get angry.
Okay. All right.
1211
01:14:57,077 --> 01:14:58,744
All right. Okay. All right.
1212
01:14:58,912 --> 01:15:00,120
Here. This is Vanessa.
1213
01:15:00,288 --> 01:15:02,206
What?
No, wait. it's Francis.
1214
01:15:02,374 --> 01:15:04,124
He wants you
to come to him.
1215
01:15:05,085 --> 01:15:06,710
What is that?
That's the shit emoji.
1216
01:15:06,795 --> 01:15:08,879
You know, it's the turd
with the smiling face
and the eyes?
1217
01:15:08,963 --> 01:15:11,298
I thought it was
chocolate yogurt
for so long.
1218
01:15:12,050 --> 01:15:13,133
I need guns.
1219
01:15:13,301 --> 01:15:14,301
Okay, which ones?
1220
01:15:14,469 --> 01:15:15,552
I need all the guns!
1221
01:15:15,637 --> 01:15:16,887
All right. Okay.
1222
01:15:37,575 --> 01:15:38,992
That's about
3,000 rounds.
1223
01:15:39,994 --> 01:15:41,995
We all know
what I can do with 12.
1224
01:15:42,455 --> 01:15:44,581
Hey, hey,
careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap!
1225
01:15:44,666 --> 01:15:45,791
We're downrange.
1226
01:15:47,252 --> 01:15:48,669
I was gonna
spend the night
1227
01:15:48,795 --> 01:15:50,796
assembling the Borje,
but this is holding
my interest.
1228
01:15:51,965 --> 01:15:54,758
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Borje.
1229
01:15:54,843 --> 01:15:56,760
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
1230
01:15:56,845 --> 01:15:59,513
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.
1231
01:15:59,681 --> 01:16:01,473
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.
1232
01:16:01,850 --> 01:16:03,350
Up, up, up.
1233
01:16:04,477 --> 01:16:05,769
Oh. Down, down, down.
1234
01:16:05,937 --> 01:16:06,937
Fuck you.
1235
01:16:08,773 --> 01:16:11,525
.45 cal. I like it.
1236
01:16:13,653 --> 01:16:14,862
Wade...
1237
01:16:16,114 --> 01:16:18,824
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.
1238
01:16:21,995 --> 01:16:22,995
Uh...
1239
01:16:23,371 --> 01:16:24,538
Listen, Al...
1240
01:16:25,623 --> 01:16:28,041
if I never see
you again,
1241
01:16:28,168 --> 01:16:30,794
I want you to know that
I love you very much.
1242
01:16:31,713 --> 01:16:35,466
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine
1243
01:16:35,550 --> 01:16:36,800
buried somewhere
in the apartment...
1244
01:16:36,885 --> 01:16:39,678
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.
1245
01:16:45,185 --> 01:16:46,226
You wanna get fucked up?
1246
01:16:56,571 --> 01:16:58,071
Put her down
over here.
1247
01:17:08,249 --> 01:17:09,500
Go on then.
1248
01:17:11,920 --> 01:17:14,505
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.
1249
01:17:14,923 --> 01:17:18,175
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.
1250
01:17:18,343 --> 01:17:20,010
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,
1251
01:17:20,094 --> 01:17:21,512
you've got the wrong girl.
1252
01:17:21,596 --> 01:17:23,055
My old boyfriend,
he's dead.
1253
01:17:23,223 --> 01:17:26,683
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
1254
01:17:26,935 --> 01:17:28,101
Like a cockroach...
1255
01:17:28,269 --> 01:17:29,603
but uglier.
1256
01:17:30,605 --> 01:17:34,107
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.
1257
01:17:35,193 --> 01:17:37,069
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
1258
01:17:46,037 --> 01:17:47,538
Ripley, from Alien 3!
1259
01:17:48,122 --> 01:17:49,957
Fuck, you're old.
1260
01:17:51,626 --> 01:17:53,877
Fake laugh.
Hiding real pain.
1261
01:17:53,962 --> 01:17:55,295
Go get Silver Balls.
1262
01:17:55,421 --> 01:17:57,756
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
1263
01:17:57,882 --> 01:17:59,049
Oh, like there's
something wrong
1264
01:17:59,133 --> 01:18:00,384
with eating before sundown
or saving money.
1265
01:18:00,802 --> 01:18:04,137
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
1266
01:18:04,764 --> 01:18:06,557
He's got my girl.
1267
01:18:06,724 --> 01:18:08,100
You're gonna
help me get her back.
1268
01:18:08,476 --> 01:18:10,227
Wade, is that you?
1269
01:18:10,395 --> 01:18:11,854
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
1270
01:18:11,938 --> 01:18:14,773
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.
1271
01:18:17,485 --> 01:18:18,527
I'm gonna wait
out here, okay?
1272
01:18:18,611 --> 01:18:19,653
It's a big house.
1273
01:18:19,737 --> 01:18:20,821
It's funny that
I only ever see
two of you.
1274
01:18:20,905 --> 01:18:24,116
It's almost like
the studio couldn't
afford another X-Man.
1275
01:18:27,662 --> 01:18:29,121
And that is why,
in my opinion...
1276
01:18:29,247 --> 01:18:32,416
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
1277
01:18:32,917 --> 01:18:34,585
Who brought
this twinkly man?
1278
01:18:34,752 --> 01:18:36,670
Twinkly, but deadly.
1279
01:18:36,838 --> 01:18:39,256
My chrome-penised
friend back there
1280
01:18:39,340 --> 01:18:40,924
has agreed
to do me this solid.
1281
01:18:41,467 --> 01:18:43,343
In exchange,
I said that I would
1282
01:18:43,469 --> 01:18:45,345
consider joining his boy band.
1283
01:18:45,513 --> 01:18:46,680
It's not boy band.
1284
01:18:46,848 --> 01:18:47,931
Sure it's not.
1285
01:18:48,641 --> 01:18:50,934
So,
any luck winning Gita back?
1286
01:18:51,686 --> 01:18:54,021
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...
1287
01:18:54,188 --> 01:18:57,816
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
1288
01:18:58,484 --> 01:19:00,193
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.
1289
01:19:06,117 --> 01:19:07,701
Dopinder.
Hmm?
1290
01:19:09,037 --> 01:19:10,037
What was that?
1291
01:19:10,830 --> 01:19:11,997
Uh...
1292
01:19:12,123 --> 01:19:17,711
That was Bandhu
in the trunk.
1293
01:19:18,379 --> 01:19:19,630
Ban who?
1294
01:19:19,714 --> 01:19:22,466
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
1295
01:19:22,550 --> 01:19:24,176
I'm doing as you said, DP.
1296
01:19:24,302 --> 01:19:26,178
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,
1297
01:19:26,304 --> 01:19:28,055
then dump his carcass
on Gita's doorstep.
1298
01:19:29,390 --> 01:19:31,016
I did not tell him
to do that.
1299
01:19:31,142 --> 01:19:33,769
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
1300
01:19:33,853 --> 01:19:37,022
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
1301
01:19:37,148 --> 01:19:38,106
I'm so proud of you.
1302
01:19:38,191 --> 01:19:40,359
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.
1303
01:19:40,485 --> 01:19:41,443
Kill him.
1304
01:19:41,527 --> 01:19:43,528
And then,
win Gita back...
1305
01:19:43,738 --> 01:19:46,406
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.
1306
01:19:46,574 --> 01:19:48,033
Kidnap her.
1307
01:19:49,494 --> 01:19:50,661
He's super dead.
1308
01:19:51,162 --> 01:19:52,162
Whoa!
1309
01:19:56,084 --> 01:19:57,584
I presume a crisp
high five?
1310
01:19:57,752 --> 01:19:59,086
For you? 10.
1311
01:20:00,588 --> 01:20:03,256
Okay, guys,
let's get out there
and make a difference.
1312
01:20:03,424 --> 01:20:05,342
You know what to do.
1313
01:20:06,260 --> 01:20:08,887
Knock 'em dead,
Pool Boy!
1314
01:20:10,098 --> 01:20:12,099
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
1315
01:20:13,601 --> 01:20:15,185
Not often
a dude ruins your face...
1316
01:20:15,269 --> 01:20:18,188
skull-stomps your sanity,grabs your future baby mama...
1317
01:20:18,272 --> 01:20:19,898
and personally sees to four
1318
01:20:20,024 --> 01:20:22,401
of your fiveshittiest moments.
1319
01:20:22,527 --> 01:20:26,697
Let's just say it's beginningto look a lot like Christmas.
1320
01:20:39,627 --> 01:20:40,919
Hey.
1321
01:20:41,045 --> 01:20:42,295
Where's your duffle bag?
1322
01:21:01,149 --> 01:21:02,566
Bandhu?
1323
01:21:04,110 --> 01:21:06,069
Leave a message
and have a happy day.
1324
01:21:06,237 --> 01:21:07,487
God damn it!
1325
01:21:07,655 --> 01:21:09,239
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...
1326
01:21:09,407 --> 01:21:12,826
with two swords
and maximum effort.
1327
01:21:13,828 --> 01:21:14,828
Cue the music.
1328
01:21:31,012 --> 01:21:33,472
Wade Wilson!
1329
01:21:34,015 --> 01:21:35,599
What's my name?
1330
01:21:35,683 --> 01:21:37,851
Oh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.
1331
01:21:40,146 --> 01:21:41,146
Go get some.
1332
01:21:41,314 --> 01:21:42,355
Superhero landing.
1333
01:21:42,523 --> 01:21:43,607
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.
1334
01:21:43,691 --> 01:21:44,691
Wait for it.
1335
01:21:48,029 --> 01:21:49,071
Whoo!
1336
01:21:49,155 --> 01:21:50,322
Superhero landing!
1337
01:21:50,865 --> 01:21:51,948
You know,
that's really hard
on your knees.
1338
01:21:52,283 --> 01:21:53,700
Totally impractical.
They all do it.
1339
01:21:54,202 --> 01:21:57,370
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.
1340
01:21:57,538 --> 01:21:58,622
That's why
I brought him.
1341
01:21:58,790 --> 01:22:02,000
I prefer not
to hit a woman,
so please...
1342
01:22:09,217 --> 01:22:12,302
I mean,
that's why I brought her?
1343
01:22:13,846 --> 01:22:15,889
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
1344
01:22:16,057 --> 01:22:17,516
Just give us a second.
Yeah.
1345
01:22:17,683 --> 01:22:19,017
There you go.
Hashtag it.
1346
01:22:20,394 --> 01:22:22,229
Go get her, tiger.
1347
01:22:28,903 --> 01:22:32,656
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.
1348
01:22:33,366 --> 01:22:34,908
All right, then. Fire!
1349
01:22:46,671 --> 01:22:48,171
Finish fucking her
the fuck up!
1350
01:22:48,339 --> 01:22:49,339
Language, please.
1351
01:22:49,423 --> 01:22:50,590
Suck a cock.
1352
01:23:16,617 --> 01:23:18,285
Look away, child.
1353
01:23:19,036 --> 01:23:20,370
Look away!
1354
01:23:27,712 --> 01:23:28,920
Wait!
1355
01:23:29,088 --> 01:23:30,130
Wait!
1356
01:23:30,256 --> 01:23:31,256
Cease fire!
1357
01:23:31,340 --> 01:23:32,591
Cease fire!
1358
01:23:32,717 --> 01:23:34,134
Fellas! Hey! Hey!
1359
01:23:35,553 --> 01:23:39,139
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.
1360
01:23:39,307 --> 01:23:41,433
So, I'mma give you a chance
1361
01:23:41,559 --> 01:23:43,226
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...
1362
01:23:43,394 --> 01:23:46,271
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
1363
01:23:46,439 --> 01:23:49,900
possibly even
lover-like treatment.
1364
01:23:51,944 --> 01:23:53,069
Fine.
1365
01:23:53,154 --> 01:23:54,237
Commando!
1366
01:25:06,269 --> 01:25:07,352
Teabag!
1367
01:25:11,857 --> 01:25:12,857
Bob?
1368
01:25:13,859 --> 01:25:14,859
Wade?
1369
01:25:14,944 --> 01:25:16,194
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...
1370
01:25:16,279 --> 01:25:18,530
Jacksonville. Fridays.
Since TGl Fridays.
1371
01:25:19,365 --> 01:25:21,116
Well, what the hell!
1372
01:25:21,701 --> 01:25:23,201
God, come here, you.
1373
01:25:25,371 --> 01:25:27,289
How are the kids?
Good?
1374
01:25:27,873 --> 01:25:29,541
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?
1375
01:25:29,667 --> 01:25:31,376
So good.
But bad for the waistline,
1376
01:25:31,460 --> 01:25:32,544
if you know what
I'm talking about.
1377
01:25:37,216 --> 01:25:38,216
Oh!
1378
01:25:39,302 --> 01:25:42,554
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
1379
01:25:42,722 --> 01:25:43,722
That is so sweet.
1380
01:25:44,056 --> 01:25:45,056
Uh...
1381
01:25:45,224 --> 01:25:46,224
Thanks.
1382
01:25:53,733 --> 01:25:54,733
Yoo-hoo!
1383
01:25:58,404 --> 01:25:59,988
Does he
write you notes too?
1384
01:26:00,072 --> 01:26:01,906
He's such a romantic.
1385
01:26:02,325 --> 01:26:03,742
Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.
1386
01:26:05,077 --> 01:26:06,077
Fire!
1387
01:26:13,753 --> 01:26:15,170
Hey!
1388
01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:16,421
Climb on!
1389
01:26:53,459 --> 01:26:55,043
Motherfucking...
1390
01:27:06,389 --> 01:27:08,890
Motherfucker should have
worn his brown pants.
1391
01:27:11,644 --> 01:27:12,811
You were right,
beautiful.
1392
01:27:13,729 --> 01:27:15,480
Red really is my color.
1393
01:27:16,148 --> 01:27:17,232
Wade?
1394
01:27:17,316 --> 01:27:18,316
Don't worry, baby...
1395
01:27:18,651 --> 01:27:20,652
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.
1396
01:27:21,153 --> 01:27:23,321
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?
1397
01:27:23,489 --> 01:27:25,240
Oh, you never left.
1398
01:27:25,408 --> 01:27:27,409
But you did, asshole!
1399
01:27:27,576 --> 01:27:28,993
Ah, deep breath, darling.
1400
01:27:30,579 --> 01:27:31,663
Oh, wait.
1401
01:27:32,832 --> 01:27:34,332
Wrong choice of words.
1402
01:27:36,585 --> 01:27:39,337
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
1403
01:27:39,505 --> 01:27:40,588
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
1404
01:27:42,007 --> 01:27:44,008
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.
1405
01:27:44,510 --> 01:27:45,510
When I'm finished...
1406
01:27:45,678 --> 01:27:47,345
parts will have
to grow back you.
1407
01:27:47,513 --> 01:27:48,680
Good one.
1408
01:27:49,598 --> 01:27:51,349
Yep, that was a good one.
1409
01:27:51,517 --> 01:27:52,517
Let's dance.
1410
01:27:53,853 --> 01:27:55,019
And by dance, I mean...
1411
01:27:55,187 --> 01:27:56,271
let's try to kill each other.
1412
01:28:50,910 --> 01:28:53,161
Fine. Fists.
1413
01:28:53,412 --> 01:28:55,246
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.
1414
01:30:17,162 --> 01:30:19,247
Asshole!
1415
01:31:15,554 --> 01:31:16,554
Hang in there,
baby!
1416
01:31:17,056 --> 01:31:19,057
Wade!
I gotcha!
1417
01:31:22,478 --> 01:31:24,395
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.
1418
01:31:35,074 --> 01:31:36,240
Shit! Shit! Shit!
1419
01:31:42,164 --> 01:31:44,666
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.
1420
01:31:59,848 --> 01:32:01,766
Ah! Damn it!
1421
01:32:02,685 --> 01:32:05,603
Maximum effort!
1422
01:32:47,980 --> 01:32:48,980
Thanks.
1423
01:32:53,986 --> 01:32:55,570
Just take it slow.
1424
01:33:02,286 --> 01:33:03,661
Yoo-hoo!
1425
01:33:05,998 --> 01:33:08,666
Oh, my God! That was so...
1426
01:33:39,698 --> 01:33:41,282
There are no words!
1427
01:33:42,367 --> 01:33:45,953
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
1428
01:33:46,705 --> 01:33:47,872
What?
1429
01:33:50,209 --> 01:33:52,960
You stupid
fucking idiot.
1430
01:33:53,378 --> 01:33:57,965
Did you really think
there was a cure...
for that?
1431
01:33:59,843 --> 01:34:00,843
What?
1432
01:34:01,303 --> 01:34:02,345
You heard me.
1433
01:34:04,139 --> 01:34:05,223
No.
1434
01:34:05,349 --> 01:34:06,557
No!
1435
01:34:13,816 --> 01:34:16,818
So, you mean to say...
1436
01:34:17,569 --> 01:34:21,572
after all this,
you can't fix me?
1437
01:34:22,407 --> 01:34:24,492
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.
1438
01:34:24,576 --> 01:34:26,410
Like the kind of stupid
who admits
1439
01:34:26,495 --> 01:34:29,580
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?
1440
01:34:33,544 --> 01:34:35,253
Any last words?
1441
01:34:37,172 --> 01:34:38,256
What's my name?
1442
01:34:39,383 --> 01:34:40,424
Who fucking cares?
1443
01:34:40,551 --> 01:34:41,551
Wade!
1444
01:34:43,178 --> 01:34:45,555
Four or five moments.
1445
01:34:45,764 --> 01:34:46,764
I'm sorry?
1446
01:34:47,140 --> 01:34:49,517
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
1447
01:34:50,102 --> 01:34:51,102
To?
1448
01:34:52,104 --> 01:34:53,437
Be a hero.
1449
01:34:55,566 --> 01:34:58,359
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.
1450
01:34:58,443 --> 01:35:00,695
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,
1451
01:35:00,779 --> 01:35:02,029
go to work a hero.
1452
01:35:02,531 --> 01:35:04,198
Not true.
1453
01:35:04,408 --> 01:35:07,535
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments
1454
01:35:07,619 --> 01:35:09,787
that really matter.
1455
01:35:10,205 --> 01:35:12,582
Moments when you're
offered a choice.
1456
01:35:12,749 --> 01:35:15,376
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,
1457
01:35:15,460 --> 01:35:16,919
save a friend...
1458
01:35:17,546 --> 01:35:20,131
spare an enemy.
1459
01:35:20,757 --> 01:35:22,133
In these moments...
1460
01:35:22,926 --> 01:35:25,803
everything else falls away.
1461
01:35:26,430 --> 01:35:28,973
The way the world sees us.
1462
01:35:29,433 --> 01:35:30,433
The way we...
1463
01:35:34,646 --> 01:35:35,771
Why?
1464
01:35:36,940 --> 01:35:38,816
You were droning on.
1465
01:35:38,984 --> 01:35:41,944
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...
1466
01:35:42,112 --> 01:35:44,906
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.
1467
01:35:45,157 --> 01:35:47,783
If wearing superhero tights...
1468
01:35:48,243 --> 01:35:49,577
means sparing psychopaths...
1469
01:35:49,745 --> 01:35:51,787
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.
1470
01:35:51,955 --> 01:35:54,248
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.
1471
01:35:54,333 --> 01:35:55,416
Just promise...
1472
01:35:55,500 --> 01:35:57,084
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout
1473
01:35:57,169 --> 01:35:59,337
for the next four moments.
1474
01:35:59,463 --> 01:36:00,963
Oh, shit.
1475
01:36:01,131 --> 01:36:04,759
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,
1476
01:36:04,843 --> 01:36:06,969
about to stand
in front of a girl...
1477
01:36:07,137 --> 01:36:08,346
and tell her...
1478
01:36:08,513 --> 01:36:10,514
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?
1479
01:36:10,599 --> 01:36:13,851
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.
1480
01:36:15,354 --> 01:36:16,604
I can't even tell you...
1481
01:36:16,688 --> 01:36:17,772
I deserved that.
That, too.
1482
01:36:18,523 --> 01:36:20,107
No, no, no,
maybe not the nethers.
1483
01:36:20,192 --> 01:36:22,109
Start talking!
1484
01:36:24,154 --> 01:36:25,696
I'm sorry.
1485
01:36:25,989 --> 01:36:27,448
I'm so sorry.
1486
01:36:28,283 --> 01:36:30,826
For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
1487
01:36:32,329 --> 01:36:34,288
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.
1488
01:36:34,456 --> 01:36:36,123
It's been rough
couple of years.
1489
01:36:36,208 --> 01:36:37,208
Rough?
1490
01:36:45,050 --> 01:36:46,884
I live in a crackhouse.
1491
01:36:48,136 --> 01:36:49,470
With a family of 12.
1492
01:36:51,223 --> 01:36:52,723
Every night
we spoon for warmth.
1493
01:36:52,808 --> 01:36:55,726
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
1494
01:36:55,894 --> 01:36:57,478
There's nothing
that we don't share.
1495
01:36:57,562 --> 01:37:01,732
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.
1496
01:37:09,866 --> 01:37:12,034
So, you live in a house.
1497
01:37:20,877 --> 01:37:23,838
I should have come
and found you sooner.
1498
01:37:25,257 --> 01:37:26,590
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,
1499
01:37:26,717 --> 01:37:29,260
he ain't the same one
that you remember.
1500
01:37:33,598 --> 01:37:34,849
You mean this mask?
1501
01:37:54,953 --> 01:37:56,579
And this one.
1502
01:37:58,040 --> 01:37:59,790
In case the other fell off.
1503
01:38:02,794 --> 01:38:04,962
All right.
Yeah, just... Ow.
1504
01:38:05,130 --> 01:38:06,714
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...
1505
01:38:06,882 --> 01:38:08,966
Owdie 5,000.
1506
01:38:09,051 --> 01:38:10,134
Wait, wait, wait...
1507
01:38:12,054 --> 01:38:13,304
Are you sure?
1508
01:38:15,140 --> 01:38:16,140
I'm sure.
1509
01:38:26,485 --> 01:38:27,485
Wow.
1510
01:38:28,904 --> 01:38:29,987
Yeah.
1511
01:38:36,953 --> 01:38:38,287
Hey.
1512
01:38:40,499 --> 01:38:42,291
After a brief
adjustment period...
1513
01:38:42,834 --> 01:38:44,752
and a bunch of drinks...
1514
01:38:46,171 --> 01:38:48,130
it's a face...
1515
01:38:52,594 --> 01:38:54,178
I'd be happy to sit on.
1516
01:39:01,686 --> 01:39:05,106
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
1517
01:39:05,190 --> 01:39:06,190
No.
1518
01:39:06,775 --> 01:39:08,526
Super-penis.
1519
01:39:08,777 --> 01:39:10,653
Come on, Wade. Language.
1520
01:39:10,862 --> 01:39:12,279
Young one is present.
1521
01:39:13,365 --> 01:39:15,199
What are you still doing?
1522
01:39:15,283 --> 01:39:17,952
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
1523
01:39:18,036 --> 01:39:20,788
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.
1524
01:39:20,872 --> 01:39:22,540
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.
1525
01:39:22,666 --> 01:39:24,458
And you,
chicken noodle...
1526
01:39:24,626 --> 01:39:26,377
Nothing compares to you.
1527
01:39:26,503 --> 01:39:28,546
Sinéad O'Connor, 1990.
Sorry.
1528
01:39:28,630 --> 01:39:31,298
That's all right.
You're cool.
1529
01:39:33,218 --> 01:39:34,844
What in the ass?
1530
01:39:35,011 --> 01:39:38,055
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!
1531
01:39:38,473 --> 01:39:41,517
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.
1532
01:39:41,685 --> 01:39:42,893
For a second there,
1533
01:39:43,019 --> 01:39:44,728
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...
1534
01:39:44,855 --> 01:39:47,064
coming together to form
one super robot.
1535
01:39:47,899 --> 01:39:49,066
There's a stupid.
1536
01:39:49,192 --> 01:39:50,234
Yeah.
1537
01:39:53,697 --> 01:39:58,075
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
1538
01:40:01,830 --> 01:40:02,913
Come here.
1539
01:40:12,841 --> 01:40:15,759
Wham! As promised.
1540
01:40:28,857 --> 01:40:29,940
See?
1541
01:40:30,066 --> 01:40:33,611
You don't need to bea superhero to get the girl.
1542
01:40:33,695 --> 01:40:36,447
The right girl will bring outthe hero in you.
1543
01:40:37,073 --> 01:40:40,451
Now, let's finish thisepic wide shot. Pull out.
1544
01:40:40,619 --> 01:40:42,119
There we go, that looks nice.
1545
01:40:42,245 --> 01:40:43,287
That's gonna beabout the only thing
1546
01:40:43,413 --> 01:40:44,705
that's pulling out tonight.
1547
01:40:44,789 --> 01:40:47,958
Who doesn't lovea happy ending, huh?
1548
01:40:48,084 --> 01:40:49,543
'Til next time, this is
1549
01:40:49,628 --> 01:40:51,879
your friendly neighborhoodpool guy singin'...
1550
01:40:51,963 --> 01:40:54,215
I'm never gonna dance again
1551
01:40:54,299 --> 01:40:57,801
The way I danced with you
1552
01:47:07,672 --> 01:47:09,339
You're still here?
1553
01:47:11,926 --> 01:47:14,970
It's over. Go home.
1554
01:47:16,681 --> 01:47:19,182
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for Deadpool 2.
1555
01:47:19,267 --> 01:47:21,101
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.
1556
01:47:22,020 --> 01:47:24,938
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
1557
01:47:25,106 --> 01:47:27,691
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?
1558
01:47:27,817 --> 01:47:29,443
Go. Go.
1559
01:47:34,699 --> 01:47:35,657
Oh.
1560
01:47:35,742 --> 01:47:38,285
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
1561
01:47:38,369 --> 01:47:41,455
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.
1562
01:47:41,539 --> 01:47:43,957
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
1563
01:47:44,042 --> 01:47:45,125
We have no idea
who we're gonna cast yet,
1564
01:47:45,209 --> 01:47:46,293
but it could be anybody.
1565
01:47:46,377 --> 01:47:47,878
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.
1566
01:47:47,962 --> 01:47:49,630
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...
1567
01:47:49,714 --> 01:47:52,132
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.
1568
01:47:52,216 --> 01:47:53,634
Anyway, big secret. Shh...
1569
01:47:53,718 --> 01:47:55,636
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.
1570
01:47:55,720 --> 01:47:58,180
It's a total dick move.
1571
01:47:59,140 --> 01:48:00,223
Go.
109675
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