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RED'S DESERT OASIS an Oasis of Hospitality and Fine Cooking

Ouch!

I love that song.

If you're gonna love something in life, stick to dogs and songs - that's my motto.

- What about me? - What about you, boo boo?

You know... Tell me how much you love me.

Well, Samson had his Delilah, Achilles had his heel, Napoleon his Waterloo...

and I...I got you.

You have such the way with the spoken word

that is one of the reasons why I love you so much.

My mouth does tend to get me into trouble, doesn't it?

You were born that way.

Didn't have no say in that either.

The whole thing is just one big old scam.

What's that babycakes? What whole thing?

The evolution of music.

First there were eight-tracks, they were pretty good...

And then there were cassettes, and they were better...

And now...

Now we got the CD,

the emperor queen god of the recording medium!

The irony is that these bands like Kiss and Mr. Nugent, and Aerosmith -

the old Aerosmith - not the "new and improved sober-smith".

They just don't sound as good on a disc

as they do on eight-track or an LP.

But you want to know what the real picker is?

I'm sure I got no idea there tootsie pop.

Well, that it costs less money to actually make the CD

and they're still charging us twice as much for 'em.

You know, you gotta point there, honey bunch.

As soon as we get back, I'm taking my extensive collection

of overpriced compact discules and throwing them out the window.

You mean that?

You would do that for me?

I wouldn't say it, if I didn't mean it.

Oh, you're too good to me, Sonny Joe.

As soon as we are legally wed,

I'm going to make you the happiest husband

that ever walked on this earth.

Do you believe me?

Darling,

I doubt the sun to raise in the morning,

the oceans to turn to dust,

and for there to be an honest Republican

before I ever doubt a single word pressed from your sweet

...lips.

You turn me to milk Sonny Joe, straight to the liquid state of

M-I-L-K Milk!

Oh, I love that wind!

I have another two-wheel, sugar cup.

Down here somewhere, where, ah...

Ah, genius is special.

We don't need to be in...

Come on, sorry darlin'.

There we go. That's something I think.

Yeah, oh you're beautiful, yeah.

You have a great, terrific...

Uh-huh. There you go. ...alright, now where's that foot?

I got that special foot I been saving.

How do you do, sir?

The hell you want?

- Well, I thought I might interest you in... - Now why would I want

to buy a damn fool thing like that for?

Now I...

If I did, why would I buy it from you

when I can get it from Sears Roebuck and company?

You make a fine point there.

Sears Roebuck and company, uh, well that's a very, a very fine store...

but they don't carry our brand.

And besides that, they don't offer

a world famous service agreement that...

if, if you just give me five minutes of your time

your precious time

I'm...I'm authorized

to give you this here free set of crescent wrenches

in an assortment of sizes.

- Five minutes? - Five minutes.

- Nothing to buy? - Not a thing.

I ain't got all day.

It's high noon on KNOW, No Where radio,

where the hits just keep on hurting.

Oh! My stomach's killing me.

- That's because you ate that shit again. - Yeah, Yeah.

Every time we go to a casino, you gotta head right for the buffet.

How many times I gotta tell you?

That food is sitting out there 24 hours a day.

People are walking up to it, they're touching it,

they're sneezing on it...

I wouldn't eat that shit, I wouldn't go near it.

Thank you very much, Mr. Galloping Gourmet,

but that is not the problem.

Oh, no? What is the problem?

I got my wife's mini-clone at home

living up to her gene pool's potential.

Your daughter again?

Following right in the old fat's footsteps...

with a higher batting average.

This is why I always say,

"Look at the mother first".

What does that mean?

Just what that means.

If I get interested in a broad, I want to go over to the house.

I want to see where this girl's popped out of, right?

The mother don't cut it...

This way it saves a lot of headache later on.

You know what I'm talking about?

Now wait a minute...

Are you saying you want to go out with my daughter?

That's not what I meant.

Well that's good, Eddie. Cause I wouldn't let you.

I wouldn't ask!

What?

She's not good enough for you?

That's not what I said, Gino.

Look, don't mix up my meaning here, alright?

It better not be, Eddie.

I'm gonna explain it you, right?

You meet a girl, right?

- You're interested in her. - Yeah.

All women, eventually, turn out just like the mother.

It's just a thing, right? It happens.

Go and meet the mother first!

It avoids a lot of trouble.

Yeah...

Let me give you an example here.

You meet some broad and you marry her -

without meeting the mother first, right?

20 or 30 years go by...

You wake up one morning with some heinous nightmare in bed with you

that you feel like taking a chainsaw to 'em.

Yeah.

Hey...wait a minute...

Are you implying that that's what I done?

What do you mean?

You know what I mean.

Did you just call my old broad a battle axe?

I didn't say that!

That's what it sounded like to me.

Yeah, but that's not what I said...

But that's what it sounded like to me!

Look, Gino, please! Don't start misconstruing things here.

Well, why don't you un-construe it?

Because unless I'm getting hard of hearing...

that's what I heard!

Well, maybe you are getting hard of hearing, you ever think of that?

No, no, no. I hear good. I got ears like a god-damned eagle!

Look, what you meant, I thought I meant I said,

I did not say, alright?

You said it, I heard you.

What are you talking about?

Look...let me explain this to you, okay?

I'll make it as simple as I fucking can!

You meet a broad, right?

Whether you're gonna fuck her or not gonna fuck her,

or whatever the fuck you want to do with her,

you should meet her mother first. I mean, Jesus Christ,

you got me coagulate with your wife, your daughter,

I'm fucking your daughter, I'm fucking your wife

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.

The bottom line is this: Meet the mother!

That makes sense.

Tell you what I'm going to do.

I know you're a friend of mine and all, right?

- Absolutely! - Okay.

I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Eh?

Thank you.

Hey, you're welcome.

So that's it?

We're not going to bring up the topic again.

Finished.

Good, cause this is not doing my stomach a world of good.

Keep an eye on this...

You better watch how you handle that guy.

Why's that?

We're running a little low on bandages.

Come on, let's go.

And don't slam the door.

The modern American West.

Middle of nowhere.

Oh, it has a life of it's own.

Usually one that's, preferably seen out the rearview mirror

fading far off behind you.

As for me...I live here.

There's no escape.

You see, we all make choices.

Some right, others wrong.

And I had made a wrong one somewhere.

But try as I might, I just couldn't see it.

I should have been happy, but I wasn't.

One day I decided, it was time for a change.

- Mama! Mama! - Quack, quack, quack...

Mama!

Jordan!

- Well? - Well, what?

- Is there anybody in there? - Does it look like anybody's in there?

I'm warning you!

Are we L-O-S-T?

- Why do you always ask me that? - Because we don't know where we are!

But, what...what, what, what do you really mean?

I am just trying to talk to you, Martin.

Give me that duck!

That's it you get no more Nickelodeon!

I've had it! I've had it! I've had it!

I've had it! I've had it!

I hate the...

Mama, what's daddy doing?

Nevermind! I'll be right back. Don't get out of the car.

Feeling any better?

Martin?

- Oh, God... - Martin, I'm talking to you.

Will you answer me?

I have nothing to say.

It's not the end of the world.

Yes. It is.

Don't talk that way, okay? It was just a job, I mean.

It was my life, Alice. My life!

I know, but you will find another one.

No, I won't.

Yes, you will, okay? You idiot.

Will you shut up right now or I'm sending you back to the psychiatrist!

Oh me...okay.

We better go.

Shit!

- Man... - Shit

Man, you ever think about society?

All the time nigga, all the time.

Me, myself, I'm worried about it.

It needs to be worried about. Shit...

That's why I carry this right here, you know what I'm sayin'?

That's exactly what I'm talking about

I mean, shit has gotten so deep -

as for there to be the need for you to carry that.

And it's 199-fucking-5, you know what I'm sayin'?

I do, man. I do.

The woes of society - you know why you're carryin'.

For the same reason I carry this joint,

for a piece of mother-fucking-mind

- is why I carry it. - Yeah, yeah.

- I'm talking about the basic reason - Shit.

why you carrying, is because of one Francis Scott Key.

You know who Mr. Key is?

Mr. Key... -Yeah, yeah. Mr. Key...is that nigga I like to see.

Mr. Key, as in kilo of the blow.

Kilo of the blow!

You're ignorant, man.

See, Mr. Key is the punk bitch who wrote

"The Star - what-a-fucked-up-song - Spangled banner"

If this song is the basis for our national moral backbone,

or lack of it -

What I'm saying is, it's a glorification of violence.

It is sung before every Raiders game, every Clippers game,

every other righteous sporting event takes place in this country.

It is the vocal embodiment of a culture doomed to the path

of a permanent and escalating religion of death.

And it is the Black man, who was the first,

to embrace the doctrine of Mr. Key

Doctrine of racial genocide.

And our society shall continue its downward spiral

into an inevitable nather of nothingness.

Unless we - you and me... Bitch, wake up! You and me -

the youth of black society, take it upon ourselves

to pull ourselves out of this muck and forge a new direction.

Take hold of our destiny.

Motherfucker...you need to drink some coffee or somethin'

- cause your ass on a tirade right... - and-and you know how we start?

We start by rejecting the principles of said Mr. Key

and by instituting a song that's more harmonious

to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It's like...

Like how come we ain't got Ray Charles singing "America the Beautiful"

or somethin' similar -

vocalization of "Splendor", as a national anthem.

Right.

Too bad Ray Charles can't see how fucked up

the beautiful really is if you sing some other shit.

But you know, I respect Ray Charles.

For a man that can't see, and play the piano,

and sing a sweet song, that motherfucker

could sing his ass off.

Don't...Don't use "motherfucker" in the same breath as Mr. Charles.

- Hey man, fuck you and Ray Charles man! - Hey, you hear me?!

- Man, fuck you and fuck you and Ray. - Hey.

Man, nigga, let go of my neck.

Man you better let go of my neck...

Or what bitch? What?

Now what bitch!?

Don't let Ray Charles get a cap put in your motherfucking ass!

You pullin' down on me.

Nah, man. Shit. Shit, ain't even loaded.

- It ain't? - No.

- It ain't? - No!

You, you, you pull down on me and the shit ain't even loaded?

Damn, that's some funny shit!

- Ain't it? - Yeah, yeah.

Then put it your own big ass mouth.

What!?

Nigga, put the gun in your trench-like-fucking-mouth.

Oh, do you believe that, that shit ain't loaded?

Now! Motherfucker!

It ain't no big deal, look. See, look.

Man, the fuck wrong wit you?

No, never draw your strap at somebody

unless you getting ready to smoke 'em, yourself included.

Man, you need to relax. Man, I told you

the motherfucking gun wasn't loaded

Watch. Watch, see? See? Watch.

Here you see, look?

- Damn! - Oh, shit!

Man, put that thing away.

Nah.

Put it in your pocket, let it keep your dick company.

That bullet was not in there.

I- I did not put no bullet in this motherfucking gun.

I swear to God, Omar. I swear!

Shit.

This sure is some kind of place you got here.

It's a pig sty.

Well, I- I tend to...

I gotta tell you straight up, mister.

You're a plum fool, you're wasting your time,

as well as your crescent wrenches,

cause I ain't buying no damn vacuum cleaner machine.

Well, I appreciate your honesty,

but I'd still like to have a go at it.

Yeah, well...

I'd like to be the King of Siam!

Look here girls. New little sister.

She's different. Let's try to get along.

It's about that time...

Maybe I could take it up with the misses,

show her a demonstration...

If you don't mind...

Well, then you better get your butt back in your car

and get up to Sonder City cause she ran off here about ten year ago.

She did?

Now is that a fact?

That's right, she did.

If you find her, give her a big kick in the ass

and tell her it's from yours truly.

And if you like to, tell her to come on back

and I'll give her twenty or so more

and have a hell of a good time doing it!

I've tried and tried to figure out what went wrong.

I just...

I couldn't understand why...

I mean, life had given me everything you could ask for.

- It's okay, tiger. - I had a devoted girlfriend.

- It happens to everybody.

Life had given me some really great friends

See you again, Johnny!

Same time, same place, same ass challenge.

Hell, even a big brother I could look up to.

Johnny? Are you in there, Johnny?

Are you still in there? Are you still tied up there, Johnny?

Hi Johnny, wake up.

Ahhh, there we go.

I just... I could understand why...

I tried, time after time,

to escape the hell my life had turned into.

But nothing seemed to work out.

Nothing seemed to turn out as I had planned,

but...I was determined.

I had just about reached the point of giving up on "giving up",

when I found it.

Trouble Killing Yourself? Don't Fret Call "The Exterminator"

1-800-SIK-OFIT We'll Kill You Right.

Hope was only a phone call away...

- Oh, uh, where's Red? - He's dead.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Ah, I'm not. Can I get you anything else?

Some more of your delicious coffee.

You have any hot sauce?

Right in front of your beautiful face.

Thank you.

What about you? You care for a little more abuse?

Yeah, give me some more of that.

Not for nothing, but what's with the fucking dog?

What's with your fucking face?

I cut myself shaving, alright?

Oh, all the way up there?

He thought he was taller.

Must've hurt.

Mhmm.

You can't imagine.

You better be more careful.

Next time you could slice your whole face off.

Then where would you be, huh?

Huh?

- She reminds me of my mom. - Yeah.

What do you mean "yeah"? You never met my mother.

Jesus Christ, Gino. Don't start with the family shit again, huh?

So how's the grub?

Oh, not bad.

Must've caught her on a good day.

Why's that?

Oh...the way her stuff usually chews,

I sometimes think she's trying to kill me.

- I heard that! - I bet you did.

Yeah.

You boys are pros, aren't ya?

What the hell do you mean by that?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

I didn't think so.

What do you want?

Ouch. It doesn't have to be like that.

I can get worse...

Oh, I know you can.

May I have a pair of pliers?

You know damn well we ain't got no pliers.

Pliers?

What the fuck did he mean by pair of pliers?

This guy's got a screw loose.

You boys ever need me, you call me.

What's that?

THE EXTERMINATOR "No Kill Too Small"

We'll call you.

- Mama! - It's okay now, Daphne.

That's the girl. Just settle down.

That's it. Daddy didn't mean anything.

Daphne. Here, you want a rice cake?

Take a rice cake.

Want your tippy cup?

Do you see what you're doing? Huh?

I thought they were going to keep up an F-A-C-A-D-E

to keep the P-R-E-S-S-U-R-E them off.

Yeah, well.

- Mama, what's a facade? - Shh! Jordan.

Do you feel better, now that you managed

to scare the hell out of the kids? Huh?

- I'm not scared! - Jordan.

Mama, how come daddy kicked the car?

He was having a tantrum, Jordan.

Sometimes when grown ups haven't quite "grown up",

they throw hissy fits, just like children do.

- Why does he do that? - I don't know.

I don't know. Why don't you ask him that?

He seems to be having a communication crisis with me.

-Dad, how come... -Not now, Jordan!

I am having a nervous breakdown.

There is a big difference between a tantrum

and a goddamn nervous breakdown.

Oh, I see. Well, it looked like a tantrum to me.

Well, that's the difference between you and me, Alice, you see

you see things as red, I see them as blue.

I see things off to the left

you see things as way off to the right

I say I'm having a nervous breakdown,

and you say I'm having a goddamn temper tantrum.

Looked like a tantrum to me...

See? See?

You've got the kids pulled over to your way of thinking.

Got them in on the conspiracy to drive dad crazy

and push him right over the edge!

You are starting to frighten me now, okay?

- Am I? - Yes.

Good. Maybe that's what this family needs, a little fright

Shake it up. Get it back on track.

Square things away.

Oh!

Oh God!

This isn't about the J-O-B, is it?

You're having an affair, aren't you? Huh?

Are you having an affair? Is that what this is all about?

Am I having an affair? Is that what you think?

Hah!

God, I only wish I was having an affair.

A knock-em down, take no prisoners,

tie me up and screw me until I'm blue, uhh, affair.

Son of a bitch! You are, aren't you?

Great. Hit me, hit me.

Yeah, that's great.

- Now, who's scaring the kids? - You prick!

Who is it? Who is it?

I'm not having an affair, Alice.

As much as I wish I was having an affair,

I am not.

- You're not having an affair? - No, Alice, I am not.

- Happy now? - No.

Jesus, neither am I...

Howdy there, ma'am.

Hello there,

again, ma'am.

Ow!

Where is that pussy?

Don't shoot! I- Don't...I've got stamps.

Very special bonus stamps,

they- they- they've got like 500 per stamp.

- I oughta shoot you. - Please don't.

They're yours, if you let me show you

the demonstration for the Century 5000.

All I ask for is five minutes.

And I get all them stamps? The whole book?

The whole book of bonus stamps.

Now isn't that something?

You got 30 seconds.

Not only will it continue to give you a fantastic job

every time, like it did here just now.

But...forever

because it has our world famous, never duplicated, lifetime guarantee.

And hell, if- if it busts or anything

Why, you just call me.

I'll come right here. I'll fix it for you

or I replace it myself.

Don't need no vacuum cleaner.

You sure, ma'am? I could get you a 50% off discount.

That's it. Time's up. Now, get the hell out.

You know-

You know what I could do, I could make that 55%.

Just, don't tell anybody about it.

- Now! - I know...

Why don't we just let the old man take a looksie

and, you know, see what he thinks?

- He ain't here. - He ain't?

No, he ain't.

Now, is that a fact?

- So, this is where it all started? - Where what all started?

Everything, baby doll. Everything.

Junk food, baseball, nuclear war,

stupid little things you wear on your shoe when it rains...

It all happened from right in here.

I don't mean you personally, but

Woman - a gift of life,

- and you've got it. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

- It is kind of funny, huh? - Mhmm.

The origin of gas...

turds...

children...

all within a few centimeters of one another.

Makes you wonder just how big a difference

between them there really is...

What?

Turds and children.

What's that?

Stop it!

Don't...don't...

Come on.

Come on, snake girl.

Sonny, tell me the truth...

are you doing this cause you have to or cause you want to?

I don't do anything I don't want to.

And I want to do this.

- Swear? - Yeah.

- Promise? - Yeah.

For ever and ever?

You know it, baby.

Uh oh!

- Hello, big boy! - My queen of Bathsheba.

I want to be empress!

Baby, you are an empress!

The fuck?

Look Omar, where in the fuck are we going man?

We goin' for a drive.

Well, when we plan on getting there?

Cause we been driving for a long motherfucking time.

I'll let you know.

You know what man...

my mouth is drier than my old lady's pussy, dude.

When we get to town,

or see some people,

or a water fountain, or a lake or something...

can we pull this mothefucker over

so I can get me something to drink? Huh?

Hey, what's the magic word?

What magic word?

The magic word.

Magic...

What?

Abra-motherfucking-cadabra or some shit?

Man, ain't nobody ever teach you no manners?

It's "Please".

Oh Pl- Oh that motherfucking magic word!

Well can you please, Omar, pull this bitch over

so I can get me something to drink?

Since your ass don't thirst.

Like you a motherfucking camel or some shit.

Magic word... motherfucking thirsty as shit...

The world is small, but God is great,

could reunited me with my little buddy from school days past.

Johnny...

Oh you always hated being called "Johnny" didn't you?

Well, Johnny, what- what's troublin-

You've run into a bit of bad luck?

You could say that.

And you need your old friend to help you out?

Yeah.

I do. I need some help.

I would just be tickled fucking pink

to help you out, Johnny.

And I'm going to do it for nothing.

- My old friend. - Thanks.

Just like old times, huh, Johnny? I told ya.

Johnny

I told you... I told you I'd fix everything.

Yeah...

That what you're gonna do?

Why the hell would I do it if I would didn't want to?

Knight takes your queen.

Dang it all to hell, why didn't I see that?

Why didn't you tell me I had a customer?

You-you didn't ask.

Yes, sir? What can I do you for?

How do you do, sir?

If you're, uh, selling... I ain't interested.

No, I'm not saying you are,

but you look like the kind of fella that'd recognize

a deal when he saw one.

And I'm not just saying, any kind of deal...

I'm talking about the deal of a lifetime.

Mister, I don't care if you're giving that thing away

I don't want no damn vacuum cleaner!

No, no. Sir, I'm...

To tell you the truth, I'm not trying to give it away.

I didn't think so.

No, I ain't that greedy.

What?

This is better than a giveaway.

I'm going to pay you to take this off my hands.

Hey, Walker. C'mon down here and listen up to this one.

This here fella says, that he's gonna pay me

to take that, there, vacuum cleaner

off'n his hands.

That I am. You better believe it.

Now, that's awful friendly of 'em.

How much?

Oh, uh, he didn't say yet.

A brand, spanking new 10-dollar bill.

And, I'm in a mighty generous mood today

I'd like to extend the offer to you too, sir.

That is, if you are inclined to making ten dollars.

Hell...I'll- I'll take your money from you.

Then...two it is.

Two it is.

Well, now...

d But now I see d

Have a nice nap, Johnny?

Thought I was gonna end it all right there, didn't you buddy?

Nope, just a little warm up.

Warm up?

Yeah, we wanna do things right.

We wanna go out in a little style.

I hadn't really thought about it much.

Ah, Johnny, you want me to have a good time,

enjoy myself, I mean my God.

I'm doing this for free, you know?

I know. I know, I know.

- And I appreciate it... - There's no buts.

- But... - Now, no buts...

Sit down and... let's try it again.

Please...

Okay? Why don't you try it again, Johnny?

Give me that arm. Okay. Yes.

Okay.

Easy now.

Hey, Johnny!

- You hurt my little brother! - I'm doing a job here.

A job?

He asked me to kill him.

Is that right, Johnny?

You want this guy to kill you, Johnny?

- Something like that. - Oh God!

No!

Oh, Johnny...why didn't you just ask me to do it, Johnny?

Why didn't you just ask me, Johnny?

That hurts, Johnny! That hurts!

I understand that.

Uh, you know, maybe I could use a hand here...

No shit?

Yeah, hell, why not?

I never thought death would be so difficult to come by,

I mean, hell, most people seem to fall right into it,

whether they want to or not.

I wasn't so lucky.

They decided to take me for a drive,

make it interesting for themselves.

I would have preferred something, you know, a little more to the point,

get through with it.

But who was I to deprive them of their good time.

I mean...after all, they were doing me the favor.

Will you-

Will you look at that?

So, how many- How many you boys want to take?

Sucked up all my goddamn sawdust.

I'll take my ten dollars is what I'll take.

You don't even want to take one?

We wants our ten dollars.

Alright.

It's your idea...

Maybe the prospective ladies, uh,

might like to just look and think about it?

Ain't neither one of us got wives.

Is that a fact?

Oh, you better believe it.

Listen, you squirrelly little son of a bitch,

you better give us our money and that'll be hell all!

Unless you want us to take out $10 worth of ass-whooping off of your hide?

Bobby.

Timmy.

Harry.

Walker.

Bob.

Timmy.

Harry.

Walker.

What's going on?

Uh, this gentleman here was about to give us ten dollars

a piece for listening to his, uh, salesman bullshit.

- That true now? - Oh, well...here it is.

Why... that's might nice of him.

He ain't gonna be in business too long doing things like that.

Well, actually, I was wondering if, maybe, you officers

would like to see a demonstration?

Fool's got a thing about giving his money away.

Well, that sounds good to me.

Just, uh...

I'm a might short... I, only need to

go back out to my car

to remedy that- that situation.

Hello? Anybody home?

I know somebody's home. I just don't- don't think I...

I know someone's here.

I just don't know how to tell you...

get an advantage that you won't be able to find

when I leave this beautiful neighborhood, I...

I've never been able to really say how much

it gives me pleasure to offer what's actually a gift.

Yoohoo!

Why, hello.

Make yourself at home.

Howdy there, ma'am.

Well, I'm so sorry for barging in on your

abode like this, but sometimes I feel

I'd hate to leave a neighborhood without even extending the opportunity...

Most people wrap their five little fingers into a ball and knock,

but, I guess you must have a sore hand or somethin'.

Uh, no. No, my, my hand's alright,

I knocked, but you just didn't hear.

Yeah, I didn't hear you.

I- I, sorta, felt the door was slightly open so I came in.

To tell the truth, I've been waiting for you.

You have?

That's right. I knew you'd be coming by.

How'd you know that?

I just did.

I woke up this morning, I had a feeling

that I'd have a visitor, and as it turned out

I was right, cause here you are.

My, oh my.

This is a nice house you have here, ma'am.

Well, thank you. I did it myself.

Now, would you like to sit down and

chat for a little bit, or...

would you prefer to get right to it?

Ma'am!

Don't play games with me, we know why you're here.

You do?

Yes, I do.

You want'n to sell me one of them vacuum cleaners,

so, why don't you just go ahead and get started,

but I have to warn ya, I know my cleaners.

You mean, you want me to demonstrate the Century 5000?

Yes, that's what I want.

Yes, sir. There ain't no way around it.

No, sir. I don't want any arguments from you

I just want you to start.

Then I- I figure we best get right to it.

Okay. I'll hang it.

Out your coat. I'll hang it.

- I think if...oh... - What? What?

Oh...

- May I? - Yes, you may.

Okay, that's enough.

No, I want to go more.

Jordan, come on.

But mom...

Better let your dad take it.

- But I don't wanna. - Now, young man.

- You hate me! - I don't hate you, Jordan.

- Yes, you do. - Ah, we do not hate you, Jordan.

Yes, you do. You both do.

We love you very much. Now, put on your seat belt.

It's not funny, young lady.

What now?

God dammit, she's wet.

Isn't she a little old for that?

Oh! Well, sorry doctor.

Maybe she's just a little upset from the day's events, okay?

I'm sorry she couldn't control it!

Hold it right there. Vehicle inspection.

What the hell are three nice boys

like yourselves doing way the hell out here?

Well, we was goin' on a ride and, uh,

- car stopped. - For a joyride.

- A joy ride, huh? - Yes.

You know, I almost didn't stop.

I thought, for a second, about all the things

that could happen to a young, vulnerable woman like myself

Way out in the middle of nowhere.

But, you know...

y'all look like a bunch of good boys.

Yes, miss.

You could just say you're as safe as a baby in his mama's arms.

Besides, sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it".

Am I right on this, boys?

Oh, are you rights about that.

Oh, you sure are. Ain't that right, Johnny?

You know, you're the first person that's ever

really, really appreciated her.

- Oh, no, you're funning me. - Yeah.

Oh, most people, they don't want to have nothing to do with me.

Really?

You know I find that hard to believe.

I envy you.

You must have the greatest job in the world,

just traveling around all creation,

meeting nice folks,

selling 'em something as special as her,

I sure do envy you, sir.

Well, it ain't exactly like that.

Oh, sure it is.

A good of salesman as you,

you must have a gravy good time.

Why, I bet you could sell shoes

to a fella with no feet.

Well...

No.

Me, on the other hand, I'm stuck up here

in this big, old lonely house,

no one to talk to, nothing to do.

Nobody to do it with.

I'd leave this place in a split second

if I could figure out what I wanted do with myself.

Well, ma'am, I-

I think I've taken up about enough of your hospitality.

I best be going.

Oh, no! You can't go.

Why not?

Well... because...

Aren't you going to sell me one of them nice, new vacuum cleaners?

No, ma'am.

Why not?

Well...

I...

I can't.

Oh...

Why can't you?

Well, because we're out of stock.

Well,

I'll just take this one then, I don't mind.

I don't mind- I don't mind.

- Give it! I don't mind if it- - No! no!

Give it back.

She's a demo, and I'm lost without her.

Alright. It's okay. I understand.

I best be going.

Fine, if you're sure...

Okay, I'll go get you your coat.

Hey, what about, uh, schmucko out in the car?

What about 'em?

I don't know...

Should we get him something?

Get him what?

- You know - Something to eat?

Yeah, a bite to eat or somethin'.

I don't know. I don't see any donuts in here,

do you?

No, I don't see no donuts

Well, then I guess he's out of luck.

I guess he is!

Damn, now that is a big ass snake, right there.

Look at that motherfucker!

Motherfucker looks almost like my dick.

But it's a little smaller, you know what I'm sayin'?

Man, I'm from Missouri.

You know, that's the "Show Me" state.

What?

Motherfucker, show me that you can walk.

Okay? You show me that.

Bitch. Walkin' is for hoes,

rolling is for pimps.

Yeah, whatever.

Close the door, hoe.

Roll your ass to the table, pimp.

Goodness gracious...

man...

look at these prices!

Now, dis is some high ass shit

for us to be in the desert, look at this!

Chili dog. Five dollars, dammit.

I ain't got no money.

Did you bring some money with you, dude?

I'm broke.

Man, you always broke.

Look, do you got some money or not?

I don't need no money.

"Ghetto" Express, never leave home without it.

Cool, cool...you can pay for this shit then.

What happened to the music?

I'm hungry.

I'm starving.

- What do you want to eat? - Can you check my zipper?

Are we gonna take that Lamaze class?

Like the car at my Le Mans? What are you talkin' about?

No! LA-MAZE.

MA-AZE!

What is that?

Do you have any money?

Okay, give me the cards.

What cards?

Credit cards.

They're canceled, my love.

Canceled?

You don't pay your bills? They cancel your cards.

Ah, yeah.

Okay.

Where're you goin'?

I'm going to provide for my family.

What is this place?

Somebody live here?

I-

I do.

It's...really nice.

Except it kind of stinks.

Guess you get used to it.

It's so empty.

Yeah, just like his life.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

I don't think so.

Heyyy...

wanna have some fun?

Bulls-eye.

Oh, yeah!

Hold on there, hot shot.

Come over here. Yeehaw!

Is it dead?

Nah, he's asleep.

Uh huh, things like that don't sleep.

Sure they do, boobala.

- Mhm. Mmmmm. - Yeah.

Sometimes, after they eat, like, a big rat

or a goat, or somethin'

Mhmm.

they just crawl right into a hole and they sleep for months.

That's what I want to do with you!

Crawl into some little love nest of a hole

and not come out, never.

Now, how can any sane man resist an offer like that?

What do you think of the name, "Max"?

- Yup. - I like "Max".

- Wolfgang. - Wolfgang's good.

What about if- What if it's a girl?

It's not gonna be a girl.

Might be a girl.

Chewing gum?

Thank you, baby.

Mmm, I want one of these.

Oh, be careful.

Wolfgang. I like Wolfgang, but what if it's a girl?

See that?

I want this...and this...

and this... I want this.

Why don't you just make a nice, neat pile?

Yo! What do we gotta do to get some service?

Hey, watch your manners.

You ham-and-egg-eating motherfucker,

he ain't talkin' to you.

Well, my friend, who the fuck were you talkin' to then?

Look Band-aid-Man, your ass ain't in it, alright?

Betta tell this man somethin'...

don't have me to get up.

Thank you.

You really want that cleaner?

More than anything.

Maybe we oughta...

get your husband down here, let him have a looksie.

Get his a-okay?

You silly, you. I ain't got me no husband.

Your brother?

Don't have one of them either.

Your sister?

Mhmm.

Ain't ya got no cousins neither?

Nope.

I can't!

Can't what?

I-

I can't!

I can't...sell it to you.

Oh...

Before I go...

I got to make a confession to you.

Uh huh.

The truth is I been lyin'.

Lyin'? About what?

I ain't been sellin' vacuum cleaners at all...

I was fired from the Century company 12 years ago.

I just been riding around and killing people,

and burying them out in the flat seats

I find that hard to believe.

It's true!

No it ain't.

Afraid so.

What, so you gonna kill me?

I won't believe that.

True story.

Is that...what you's gonna kill me with?

Yes, ma'am.

Wait! Where are you going?

So...you killed a lot of people,

but that doesn't mean nothing

I mean, they probably deserved it.

They were probably really mean

cause I know you wouldn't hurt a fly,

unless they did something bad to you first.

That ain't exactly true...

Yes it is. It's true.

Look, you believe in God don't you?

Course I do.

Alright. Okay.

So God has a plan,

I mean, there are things that happen for a bigger reason.

Sometimes we can't grasp it

because we're just really confused, that's all.

But, look at you, coming here and all

Why do you think that happened?

What do you call that?

- Coincidence. - No! No! No!

Listen to me.

How did I know you were coming here today?

How about that?

I don't think th-

How come you didn't kill me?

Cause you're the first person that's ever

treated me with any kindness in all these years.

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Well...

You're sure the nicest salesman I've ever met.

So, what about your wife then?

I mean, where is she?

What does she think about what you do?

I ain't never been married.

You ain't never been married?

A handsome man? Such as yourself.

No, ma'am.

So, um, there's nobody that'll miss you then?

I mean, if you was to drop off

the edge of the world tomorrow

there's nobody that's gonna come looking for you?

Not a soul.

Now, is that a fact?

I got a little confession of my own to make.

I been killin' travelin' salesmen,

such as yourself, sir.

Yo yo! Can we please have some service?

What's it look like to you yo-yo man?

I got six hands? Hold your water.

What fucking water? We ain't got no water.

- I'm tired of this shit. - Are you through?

Betcha if I come over there and put a cap in

fat man imposter boy, I'd get some service in here.

- Son of a bitch! - Break 'em off

- Shit, come on! - Get him!

What do you mean?

Now wait a minute...

Hey, you're in my chair, old man.

Well goddammit!

We come in here every god damned day,

we sit in the same god damned place every lunch

- Get a new life. - Calm yourself.

Find something different.

Every single time you have to st...

- Cranky old creep. - Fucking asshole.

How's it, sweetheart?

Oh, same as yesterday.

Looks like you got a full house.

Mhmm.

Hello?

Oh my God! Martin! Oh!

There comes a point, an awakening,

when you know you have to take control.

That moment came to me,

through a wall of screams.

Like a red, ripe train charging through a field of virgin snow.

I saw it, clearly.

I had to save her.

I thought the situation hopeless,

but...then, there it was.

Like God was making up for some

past, unjustified harshness, I-

I reached out and took control.

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, uh, we were just leaving.

Freeze!

Holy shit!

Oh! I am so sorry!

Make a hat with your hands!

I was just- I was just gonna feed my family.

It was just- It was just some-

- What the hell you doin'? - food. Some Twinkies and Cracker Jacks.

Out in the car they've got a- Somebody's got a-

- I didn't mean anything, - Right outside!

- the boss and the credit cards- - Martin!

In the- In the lot!

Martin!

There are bad guys in here, I can smell 'em!

- Oh my God! - they canceled them, I don't know, I-

you can ask Alice.

I didn't mean it, Alice!

- I didn't mean it, Alice. - It's him!

- I didn't mean it. - That's the guy!

Make a hat with your hands! Now, motherfucker!

Ooh, don't!

Do it!

I'm going to put a new hole in your face, motherfucker!

A hat with my hands, okay.

Somebody better tell me what's going on!

- I wasn't gonna hurt anybody! - Damn!

Gun!

Gun!

- Gun! - Smoke they ass!

- Oh, God! - Sweet Jesus!

You know, I was just thinking...

What's that?

Oh, um...

I think we make a pretty good team.

I'd sure say so.

What?

What is it? What's so funny?

Oh, nothing, nothing, um-

I was just thinking to myself that,

you know, if we ever did decide to

sell one of these things

I have a whole closet full of 'em

that we could choose from.

Well, I don't- I don't know if-

- I don't think that- - Well, um, I mean...

not that we... don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

I didn't want to die.

None of us really do.

In the end, all I wanted was...

the same as everybody else.

A little love,

a little attention,

and a way out of the "nowhere"

my life had become.

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