Original subtitles

This programme contains scenes which some viewers may find upsetting from the start,

some strong language and some violent scenes

BIRDS CAW

BUZZER

It's Ben. I'm working the festival.

BUZZER Hello?

Hello?

Hello? GOAT BLEATS

MUSIC PLAYS

SNORING

WHISPERS: Hey!

SHE MURMURS Wake up!

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

I didn't drink it.

They gave us tea and then told us to wait. I...

..I didn't have any. This way, boys.

They should be fast asleep.

All right. OK.

Get them all tagged and moved into holding.

Wait. Hang on. We had a late cancellation.

We won't need one of the boys.

Him? The redhead.

UNTRANSLATED

Help! Help! No!

SOBBING: Please!

Help! Please, help!

Let go!

Who's this? Administrative error.

Really?

It's a big bloody error.

Please, please, please, please don't hurt me.

Please don't hurt me. Hey. Hey. Sh.

Calm down. Just breathe. Breathe through your nose.

Root yourself.

Oh, that's it. Good boy.

Down, regulate your stress response.

What are you doing?

It's eucalyptus balm.

You're at, like, 11, yeah?

Like, "Ooh." And I need you at a three.

OK.

OK.

Ow.

Oh, fuck.

HE WAILS

SIZZLING, WAILING

HE SCREAMS

HE WAILS

I...appreciate...you.

All right.

Today's guests on the Conspiracy Minute podcast

sent us 500 emails

just begging us to come on the show.

We were supposed to have the flat-earthers on,

but they... Fell off the face of the earth. Zing!

So, yeah, we caved.

And instead, here to tell us all about their high-sea adventure is...

Jamie Walsh. Vivian Lim.

Well, first, a reminder of how this section

of the show works. Kylo. OK, cool. Yeah.

So we give our guests 60 seconds

to share with us their interesting theories.

Like, "What if yoga positions are a secret way of worshipping Satan?"

And, "Does drinking sparkling water actually turn you gay?"

Oh, fizzy! We shoot the shit, apply critical thought

and then we decided if their theories are the real deal

or if it's just...

Bullshit!

Right, here we go, then.

Truth fears no trial.

Right.

Seven months ago, we were working on a Velorum cruise ship.

I went there to try and find out what happened to my sister,

Pippa Walsh. They say that she jumped overboard.

She didn't.

Velorum had her killed because she uncovered something.

Some of the first-class guests were paying to murder the crew.

We saw what was going on and we shut it down.

We got off the ship and then...

And then it was all covered up.

They called it a disruptive event.

They made our uprising look like a protest over conditions.

When we got to the port,

there were lawyers waiting with fat chequebooks.

I mean, nobody is listening.

This is happening on every single one of their ships.

Every single one of them.

The police, governments, they're all in Owen Deveraux's pocket.

The Deveraux family owns Velorum...

And that is time!

Right, OK. Well, that really is something.

I'm going to jump in, though.

Where are your friends, colleagues,

other people who saw what was going on?

Too scared to speak out.

Or they took hush money pay-outs.

Velorum paid a lot of people off.

We actually have a statement here from Thomas Devereaux,

Velorum's CEO, that I'm going to read out. Oh!

"Mr Walsh's colleagues aboard the Sacramentum

"confirm his story is...

"..a fantasy." Oh!

"Mr Walsh committed serious identity fraud to board our ship.

"However, we understand his actions were a result of mental ill health

"and we have chosen not to press charges at this time."

What is this? Let me see. Do you fancy a holiday, Kylo? Always.

Good, because Velorum are also sharing a special discount code

exclusively with our listeners.

They're giving us a 10% discount on any Velorum voyage.

All you've got to do is use

the code "IWANTTOBELIEVE" at checkout.

That is, "IWANTTOBELIEVE."

We are telling the truth!

Call it, my friend.

Bullshit!

Someone really needs to take podcasts away from straight men.

We've got Velorum nervous.

Your optimism is actually disturbing sometimes.

They're always going to use the sell-outs against us.

Someone from the ship will do the right thing.

We just keep begging them to speak up.

I'm expecting a call from Brian.

Who the hell is Brian?

Gloria...

..Hole. The drag queen from the Sacramentum.

Right. Yeah.

What is wrong?

I'm just played out, Jamie.

I'm broke as a joke and work caught me stealing food.

Do you know how degrading it is

trying to hide a calzone in your cycle shorts?

I mean, I knew we'd make sacrifices going after Velorum,

but it's been seven months

and we've got fuck-all to show for it.

Not one bit of evidence.

I can't go back to my parents.

That is never going to happen, all right?

I won't let it.

Look, we can't give up now. We are edging so close.

I can feel it.

If Brian speaks up, others from the Sacramentum will follow.

"Edging"?

Would your sister want you "edging" for the rest of your life?

Oh, my God. Can we not talk about edging and my sister, please?

Well, it's not all about Pippa.

SCOFFS

It's literally always been about her.

You're not ready to let go.

You've still got her bench in your bedroom.

I...

..haven't found a place for it yet.

Right.

Look, we are doing this for all the lives that they destroyed.

Mm-hm. For what they did to you.

I know. You're right. It's...

I just want us to know when it's time to call it.

PHONE VIBRATES

It's Brian.

Yeah.

Hello? Jamie.

I'm just finishing up a story-time.

I read the little ones Angela's Ashes. They loved it!

Have you...? Have you had a chance to...?

I'll stop you there, twinkle. Don't preach to the converted.

Sh! He said...

"Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?"

MIMICS HANNIBAL LECTER

I've been a coward, Jamie.

I've held my tongue for far too long.

But, you know, after everything that happened on that ship,

I just wanted to forget, you know?

I haven't had a full night's sleep in God knows how long.

I have bags under my eyes the size of Tipperary.

I shouldn't have taken Velorum's blood money.

I know that now.

So, I'm in.

Whatever you need. I'm just... I'm sorry it wasn't sooner.

Great. That's...

That's amazing.

We should meet up at. I have this brunch to get to -

Mama needs to earn her daily bread -

but I'll call you after.

You won't regret this.

Let's nail these bastards.

Yes!

CLANG

CRACKLING

Who's there?

Is that you, Miss Minge?

RADIO: Padam Padam by Kylie Minogue

SPITS

Oh.

EXHALES Jesus.

MUSIC CONTINUES

The front door was unlocked.

MUSIC STOPS

Cormac...it's me.

Listen, I don't know where you are, but we could really do

with you and Rosie's support so just...

..just call me back, please.

Anything from the staff whistle-blowers?

Naomi,

of the Lunar Princess Ship,

has blocked me.

Erm...

Mario, air steward, says he's down for hooking up,

but I don't think he's actually understood what whistle-blowing is.

But Ben, the sound engineer,

he's being sent to the festival in Slovenia.

He's gone a few days early to scope it out.

FLY TRAP CRACKLES

Hungry?

PHONE VIBRATES

The police just called.

Brian's dead.

Who?

"51-year-old drag performer Brian Doyle died this morning

"of a suspected overdose

"whilst appearing at a library story-time event."

We just spoke on the phone a few hours ago.

"One witness took to Twitter and said, 'The world's gone mad.'

"Doyle died in a highly sexualised manner, inappropriate for children."

Vivian, call me back.

I think it's happening.

It's them.

Hey. Where are you going?

Brian took hush money and look where it got him.

He was keeping quiet and they still went after him.

How do you know it's Velorum?

It's them.

Do you have Sophia's address?

Sophia? Why?

Everyone who took a pay-out has been in our way.

This is our chance to show that they're not safe.

Velorum weren't buying their silence. They were buying time.

They could be coming after all of us.

OK. I'm coming with.

OK. Where are you going?

Nervous wee.

Sorry, Jamie. Can you slow down a bit?

Cos I can't walk at gay mph.

Sophia's lot aren't even aren't even allowed to talk to us.

They all signed NDAs.

NDAs aren't going to save them from what's coming.

MUSIC BLARES

KNOCKING ON DOOR

What do you want?

Hmm? Absolutely not.

No. You can't be here.

We need to talk.

There's been... No!

You need to stop darkening our doorstep

and piss off back to Zone 4...

..you homo harbinger of doom. OK.

Spending your blood money wisely?

Oh.

No. Sophia's paying for all this.

I bought crypto.

Bye!

Jamie. Jamie!

Jamie! Jamie!

Hey. We're going for drinks if you want to come. Um...

..I can't.

Sorry.

Yeah, sure.

Maybe another time.

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

Dinner.

Thanks.

Night, Vivian.

I'll...

I'll lock...

I'll get... I'll lock up.

Right. Yeah.

Night.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR OPENS

You back already?

Des?

Des?

Des?

Cormac! Rosie?

What the hell are you doing here?

You're being hunted.

Again.

MUSIC BLARES

INAUDIBLE

Can you leave?

Jesus.

Seriously, stop.

Really annoying me tonight, actually.

Don't have time for this.

Oh, my God! Whoa!

Oh, my God. Fish boy!

Beth!

And Laura!

Lauren.

How are you, guys?

I haven't seen you in so long!

Are you good? How are you?

What have you been up...?

Did you used to have a beard?

Did you not used to have a...?

MUSIC CHANGES Oh, my God!

SHE SCREECHES

Guys, wait there. I'll be back!

SHE YELLS

I know how she spent her money.

Watered down vodka cranberry?

Olly! Hey, Lauren.

Hey.

LAUGHS

What are you doing here?

Erm...

I'm going to... Yeah, I'll leave you guys to...

Yeah, OK.

How have you...been? Actually, I...

How...?

Carry on. Be over here.

How have you been? Yeah. Fine. You?

Yeah. No. Really good. Yeah.

You look stressed.

It's just my face.

I've missed your face.

So, Sophia.

Since when were you guys pals?

Not many people have been through what we have.

They get it.

They're trying to move on.

It's easier to move on when you've sold your soul for all this.

I never took any money.

This isn't moving on. It's disassociating.

Sorry. You, of all people, talking about disassociating.

You literally disassociated from life, from me.

I never wanted to walk out on you.

On Operation Burn Velorum.

But there wasn't a lot of burning going on.

You're unknowable.

Brian's dead.

Who's Brian?

For me, I did, you know, a natural look.

I just had some tiny tweakments, you know?

Brow lift, eye lift, lip filler,

chin shave, ear pinning,

buccal fat removal,

tummy tuck, laser resurfacing

and shoulder implants

because the business of show is VERY competitive.

Come on. It's bedtime.

It was so nice to meet you... Beth, you need to get up!

SHE SCREAMS

MUSIC STOPS

Can you hear them?

Oh, not again.

They're here.

I can hear them in the walls.

Shut her up. What do you want me to do?

Are we back on the ship? They're inside here.

Sorry. Can you put your phone away, please?

I'm not just... PHONES BEEP

Beth, we're going to go to bed now. She's fine.

SHE WAILS I can hear them so loudly.

How can you not hear them?

Beth, we're going to go. Get your hands off...

They're inside the walls. They're inside the walls.

Let go of the boy. Let go of the nice man.

Up we go.

Fuck sake.

Right. That's it.

Party's over.

Everyone out. Come on.

Yeah. Out we go.

You, too.

That's my fucking jacket

so you can leave that at the door. Thank you very much.

PHONE VIBRATES

BEEP

Lauren. It's happening here at the festival.

You guys have to do something.

Someone's coming. I need to go.

You're on the run? Velorum letting us go...

..just didn't sit right so we went off-grid...

..moved into my mam's attic back in Ballyboe.

It's been a challenging time.

Thoughts and prayers.

Yesterday, I'm in the shed...

Oh! SHEEP BLEATS

Yeah, I know.

..and this big, terrifying bastard jumps me.

He was wearing one of those plastic quacky masks.

STRAINS: Rosie... Rosie!

I fucked him up

and I got Rosie out of there.

It's them, Vivian.

They're coming for us.

We couldn't call.

He thinks they might be tracking us.

Because they are!

Look, we tried your place first, but there's nobody there.

Sophia, just hear me out, please.

Gloria's dead.

Brian from the Sacramentum?

Yes, I know who Gloria is, dickshit.

So, is that what you came here to tell us?

I read about it on PinkNews.

What? As an ally, it's my duty to stay informed, OK?

It's awful.

I liked Brian, but...

..he wasn't murdered.

What, so he took his own life, did he?

We've heard that one before, haven't we?

He took a pay-out, just like you did.

He was keeping quiet

and they still went after him.

It's not too late. If you speak up

and show that Velorum bought you off... Nobody bought us off.

Is that not a Banksy?

SCOFFS

Look...

..it's a miracle we ever got off that ship.

Disaster turned to opportunity,

and we took it.

We know what they're capable of.

Pardon us for just trying to stay alive.

Yes, Brian, he was keeping quiet,

so if it was them...

..I don't know why they'd turn on him.

Do you want to wait to find out?

Hey, guys, it's your boy, Hamish.

Now, there are no short-cuts to getting rich,

but there are smart ways to go about it.

So why be poor

when YOU can live the full fantasy?

Okurr!

They won't miss it.

You need a lift?

Oh, please! We'll get a taxi. Thanks.

Oh, sure. Right.

I guess I'll just see you guys around.

Guess so. Yeah.

You need to see this.

Sorry. Can you just...? Yeah.

Erm...Ben, the whistle-blower I mentioned earlier,

he's in Slovenia for the festival.

He sent me this.

This is it, Jamie.

This could be what we need.

Stop scrolling.

Let me help you to level up.

Real talk, sis.

I'm slaying the game and making serious dollar

in my sleep.

And for just £599,

you can too.

Beth?

HAMISH CHOKES

WHIRRING

HAMISH CHOKES AND SPLUTTERS

Hamish?

You better not be playing soggy biscuit again.

This is a no carbs household.

Hamish?

Hello?

SHE SCREAMS

SCREAMS

Please, don't be annoyed. I blocked the toilet.

I'm sorry. Please don't be cross. It's the cranberry juice...

Beth, Beth, Beth...

SHE WAILS

HEAVY BREATHING

It's taking forever.

This looks bad.

Are they...?

Dead?

No.

They're drugged.

You said, after what we did on the ship,

maybe it put off stabby cruise enthusiasts.

Right, well, what if it did?

And what if this festival is Velorum diversifying?

SCREAMING

SHE SCREAMS

DRAMATIC MUSIC

VEHICLE APPROACHES No!

Get in!

Drive!

What the fuck was that? Who was that?

Are we sure we shouldn't just try the police?

No. No. No, we can't trust anyone.

Jamie! Jamie!

Are you all right?

Are you OK? Yeah, you?

Are you all right? Are you OK?

Yeah. You? Yeah. Yeah.

Sophia's OK.

She's getting looked at.

Have you guys got phones with you?

You need to get rid of them right now.

They'll be halfway here by now.

We need to move.

We're safe here. No!

No. Nowhere is safe, Oliver.

And, statistically speaking,

you're more likely to die in a hospital than anywhere else.

We need to hide. Cormac, no. I'm done hiding.

Rosie's right. We can't hide forever.

This is us or them.

We're not just a threat any more. We've embarrassed them.

We need to hit back.

They're untouchable.

How have none of you realised that yet?

"Exodum"?

Slovenia?!

"An exclusive invite-only platform for visionaries and change-makers?"

Velorum's new venture.

Elite wellness for the New World Order.

I usually go private.

But I still clapped for you guys.

Every night.

Hey.

Can I get a xanny?

DOOR OPENS

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CREAKS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Hello, Barbie.

MUFFLED SCREAMING, CRUNCH

Aaaaargh!

SHE SCREAMS

We didn't say anything.

I did what you told us to do.

Oh, come on, Barbie.

I just want to play a little game of doctors and nurses.

Oh, I've been waiting for this for a long time.

Did you miss me?

Did you?!

Aaargh!

Oh, Jesus. Go! Go!

Oh.

Ah.

They probably sent Beaker cos he knows who he's looking for.

I hate that molester-tached prick.

But who's the other one, the tall one?

There could be dozens of them out there looking for us.

Show them.

Um...

Look, so I have been speaking to Velorum staff on the inside.

And this guy...

Oh...er...

Ah...

Sorry. Um, on the inside, there's this guy, Ben.

He's a sound engineer,

he's in Slovenia, at Exodum now. Look.

These are people they are lining up for slaughter.

They need help.

And we need solid proof and I think we're looking at it.

We've asked him if he can get us in.

Oh! There it is.

You want us to go to Slovenia.

It's not going to be like the ship, all right?

We won't be stuck. He said if we can get there by tomorrow,

he can get us in the back.

What? Whoa, whoa. Hang on.

There's no way. OK? Not a chance.

Think about it. There's nowhere that's safe.

But this festival, it...

It is the last place they'd look for us.

In their own house. Exactly.

How do you know this Ben?

Well, I've been speaking to him for months, and...

..he's really nice.

Oh, yeah? Well, if he's nice!

We gave it all we could out here. We tried and...

..yeah, you lot took the money, you made things difficult,

but we wouldn't have needed you if we had evidence.

We help those people because no-one else will.

We get proof of whatever fucked-up game Velorum are playing

and we get out.

Vivian's right. This only ends if we end them.

I know we can do this.

And Beaker the Creeper?

I mean, how long before HE catches up?

I think I might know someone who could help.

Where is he?

He'll be here.

OK. Your cover is you are my sound team.

You won't have to do much -

shift speakers, chat shit about sensorial input.

I need you here first thing.

So go to the back gate, wait for me.

I know a guy working in security.

I mentioned the Sacramentum.

I mean, he didn't have a clue who you are, so that's something.

I'm...I'm looking forward to finally meeting you, Lauren.

Someone's got to nail these companies.

CAR HORN BLARES

MUSIC: Ain't No Rest For The Wicked by Cage The Elephant

# I was walking down the street when out the corner of my eye

# I saw a pretty little thing approaching me

# She said, I never seen a man who looks so all alone

# Uh, could you use a little company?

# If you pay the right price your evening will be nice

# And you can go and send me on my way

# I said, "You're such a sweet young thing

# "Oh, why'd you do this to yourself?"

# She looked at me and this is what she said

# Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked... #

The Baby hates me.

No, he doesn't.

He does, he's weird with me.

Looks at me like I've insulted his whole bloodline or something.

They're tracking you.

I told you!

Did I not? Yes! Yeah.

Could I get your phones?

Sorry. Sorry.

Cheers.

Thanks.

Passports.

Thank you so much.

Honestly, we really appreciate this.

They're going to come after you.

Let them try.

Hey, The Baby, that's a sick ride, man.

Just leave it.

Let's go, Oliver.

What?

He's, erm...

He's giving me a ride.

So...

What?!

I'll only ask once.

Jamie, don't do it.

Don't go to that place.

Just leave Velorum.

Leave it alone and maybe it'll stop.

You know? It can't be any less crazy a plan than what you're about to do.

We need you.

No, you don't.

Um... Uh, come on.

Let's just give them a minute, yeah?

I need you. No, you don't.

Not now, anyway.

It doesn't matter where we go.

We travel halfway around the world, they won't drop this. THEY won't?

Or YOU won't?

I love you, Jamie.

I'm sorry how we ended up.

I am.

But I can't do this.

Um, take the van.

Where...where will you go?

My sister's.

You're just scared. Yeah. Yeah. I'm scared.

I'm terrified - of them, of letting you go.

But I can't follow you blindly.

I left cos I was an afterthought.

You weren't... And I can't do that again.

I can't follow someone who doesn't...

..who doesn't see me.

I see you. Of course I see you.

Right now...

..you only see one thing.

I will finish this.

And I'm going to come find you. OK?

How do we know they won't recognise us as soon as we rock up?

We don't.

But the first sign that something is off, we get out of there.

Do you know? Maybe he thinks I'm somebody else. Maybe that's it.

Who? The Baby.

Oh, mate, just drop it. You need to let that go.

I just can't get my head around it.

What is it, like?

I just think he's amazing and he just hates me.

He doesn't hate you.

He does hate me. You saw the way he looked at me.

VOICES FADING He likes all of you...

Sharlyn.

Cherilyn?

Sarkeesian.

We're trying to think of aliases for the festival.

I think we should try and keep it simple.

Maybe...

..royals?

I can be Meghan.

Jamie, you can be Will.

Vivian, Kate.

Uh, Liz.

And Andrew.

Fuck off, am I being Andrew.

Jesus Christ!

I know.

How about...

Bethany-May.

Hamish.

Danny.

Amy.

Gloria.

And Pippa.

EAGLE SCREECHES

Where is he?

He'll be here.

Have you ever actually seen him?

No, but...

Well, no, no, but I have an idea of what he looks like.

Like, in my head. So...

Hey.

You all right?

He'll be OK, you know?

I mean, we're going to be in, out,

back with him before you know it.

LOUD THUD

THEY ALL SCREAM Fuck!

Oh, God.

All right?

Ben!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, shall we...

Shall we crack on?

Yeah. Sorry. Just... can't believe you're here.

Head through.

Guests don't arrive until tomorrow so it's just the staff signing in.

UNZIPS BAG

ZIPS BAG

Follow the signs for the staff cabins. I'll meet you there.

There's security all over the place,

so if anyone bothers you, just tell them you're with me.

Unless it's looking like you're rumbled,

in which case, we've never met.

Welcome to Exodum.

ENGINE STARTS

JAMIE: Right. We all keep a low profile until we get

the lay of the land. OK?

We stick together, always.

And trust nobody.

Ooh, there's a spa.

You don't have time for gel polish.

Watch it, dickhead!

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Can you just keep going, please?

We need to get...

MUSIC: Dead Of Night by Orville Peck

Get going.

Stop. Stop the van.

Cormac, stop the van!

What?

Jamie! Where are you going? Jamie!

Jamie! Jamie! What's he doing?

Jamie, what are you doing?

# You wake me up You say it's time to ride

# In the dead of night

# Strange canyon road

# Strange look in your eye

# You shut them as we fly

# As we fly

# Stark hollow town

# Carson City lights

# Baby, let's get high

# Spend Johnny's cash

# Hitch another ride

# We laugh until we cry

# You say, "Go fast"

# I say, "Hold on tight"

# In the dead of night

# Dead of night

# See

# See the boys as they walk on by

# See

# See the boys as they walk on by

# By

# As they walk on... # Pippa.

# ..by

# As they walk on by

# As they walk on

# It's enough to make a young man

# Six summers down... #