Original subtitles

And this, miei amici, is where we stop for lunch.

I recommend the fettuccine. Mm!

Yes. We have 30 minutes.

Thirty minutes? That's all we got?

- Well, you saw the Borghese Gardens in 15.

At the Arch of Constantine, we didn't even stop.

Now, don't complain, George. We're on a very tight schedule.

We have to be at the Vatican by 2:00. Isn't that right, Darlene?

What? Oh, yes. Yes, that's right, Mrs. Sparks.

And in a couple of days we'll all be home, right?

Oh, yes. In a couple of days we'll all be home.

Sammy, come on.

Here's a place here. Come, George.

You're not having a very good time, are you, Darlene?

- Why do you say that? - It's written all over your face.

- Oh, it's a very nice tour. - A tour.

Not an adventure, right?

I guess I'm just not the kind of girl that things happen to.

Mom, I've gotta...

Take him.

Oh, for crying out loud, come on.

That's the kind of show I like to see, just for the tourists.

George!

Come in, Napoleon.

I mean, Mr. Solo.

Mr. Solo?

I'm sorry, sir. Not a word.

Well, how long has it been?

He was supposed to check in every hour on the hour.

But we haven't heard from him since 10 this morning.

I am sure he's all right.

Mm.

I daresay Mr. Solo can take care of himself.

I'm not worried about him.

I'm concerned about the formula.

If Thrush get their hands on it, the prospects are too grim to contemplate.

Am I to understand, sir...

that the formula was hidden in the bottom of a perfume atomizer?

Rather clever, don't you think?

Well, Mr. Solo must have smelled divine.

Whatever the case, Mr. Kuryakin, I want you to follow through.

You have your bags packed, I hope.

I keep them packed, sir.

There's a plane leaving for Rome within the hour.

Be on it.

Yes, sir.

All right. We'll try it once more.

Where is it?

- I haven't got it. - I know you haven't got it.

You passed it on to someone. Who?

Who?

Get the electric device.

Adequate.

It doesn't compare to a Vavin 1937.

But, of course, few wines do.

I'm sorry I don't have your fancy tastes.

I'm not of noble birth...

but I can buy and sell most noblemen, can't I?

I came very cheap.

Cheap?

Taking over the palazzo to save it from the tax collector?

I'd say that was expensive.

Of course, it was worth the price.

It's well-suited to our purposes.

Come in.

Yes?

We tried everything. He wouldn't crack.

- I really didn't think that he would. - Shall I kill him?

Kill him? Vito, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Just let him escape.

Escape?

You don't understand, I know.

Try to think, Vito.

I know it isn't easy, but try.

What will Solo do if he escapes?

Go to whoever he gave the formula to.

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

And we shall be right behind.

Of course.

Quite a brute, isn't he?

He has his functions, Count Guardia.

As you do.

One man to apply force when force is necessary...

one to use more sophisticated methods.

One a fighter, one a lover.

You pay me a compliment, Bruno?

I pay no compliments. I merely state facts.

You're a weak man, Guardia. I despise weakness.

But you do have a peculiar talent.

One which Thrush occasionally finds useful.

Exactly.

Until you call me again, Bruno, I shall keep in practice.

Oh. Sorry.

I could have you arrested, you know. This is my room.

You're not supposed to be here.

I have a reservation until Thursday, and you're supposed to be in New York.

I was assigned to get you out of trouble. From your appearance...

ha, ha, you've been in quite a bit of it.

Yeah, I just spent the day as a guest of Thrush.

They finally let me escape.

- They let you? - Yep. They went down too easily.

Unh. At the time, I couldn't have outfought a pussycat.

Then they don't have the formula.

No, I checked it out on the way here.

It's currently in the hands of a Darlene Sims of Omaha, Nebraska.

She's staying at the Grinaldo Inn, Room 1 14.

She doesn't know she has it?

She probably knows she has the atomizer by now...

but I can't go to her. I know they're following me.

As soon as I make contact, I'd give her away and then they moved in.

But I can go to her.

You show an astonishing grasp of the situation.

I suggest you don't use the hallway. May be full of Thrushies.

Oh.

Are you ready for dinner?

I'm really not very hungry, Mrs. Sparks. I think I'll just go to bed.

Now, what kind of talk is that? Up, up, up.

Oh.

- Come on. - Mm.

- My, that's a lovely dress. - Thank you.

But nobody is going to see it here in your room.

Now put on your lips and let's go.

Oh, did I have a time getting Sammy settled down for the night.

Ah, but then, he's at that difficult age.

Come to think of it, he always has been.

- Where did this come from? - What?

This perfume. It's not mine. How'd it get in here?

Oh, you probably found it somewhere.

- Mm! That's nice. - Mm.

- You wanna try some? - Ooh.

Tonight, honey. Tonight, we live.

I would like to see Miss Sims. Uh, Room 114.

Yes, sir. Oh, oh. She is not in her room right now.

She is in the dining room. I saw her going in there a little while ago.

Well, I've never seen Miss Sims. Could you point her out to me?

Well, she's wearing a yellow chiffon dress, and she's about 24.

- You cannot miss her. - Thank you.

Open Channel D. Napoleon Solo, please.

Solo here.

I found the girl. She's not alone now.

How long do you think she'll be tied up?

Apparently, they're just starting dinner.

- Keep an eye on her. - No, I have a better idea.

The perfume atomizer is no doubt in her room.

Well, I think I can get in, right?

Right.

Who cares who she is?

She must have saved for three years for this tour.

Three years. For what?

Three weeks of escape from the drabness of her life.

Enough.

We should be hearing from him soon.

You a cat burglar?

Then why are you going into Darlene's room?

- Business. - If I holler, everybody's gonna hear me.

Well, I do wish you wouldn't do that.

I don't think you're a burglar.

You look like a nice guy.

You her boyfriend?

Sonny. SAMMY: Sammy.

Okay.

I won't yell if you sit with me till I go to sleep.

I'm afraid I couldn't possibly do that.

I'm lonesome.

You ever done any babysitting?

Yes, but not right now.

Why don't you go to bed like a nice, well-behaved young man.

I can yell real loud.

Some other time, Sam...

Some other time, Sammy.

If you don't sit with me, I'm warning you...

It's just till I go to sleep.

How long do you think that might take?

I'll try to hurry.

Okay.

Prego. Prego.

- How's that, huh? - Well, that's very nice, George.

But you're supposed to say "grazie." He says "prego."

Oh. Well, a couple more days won't make any difference anyway.

Say, I know what I've been smelling all night.

You wearing some new kind of perfume?

- Do you like it? - Eh, it's all right, I guess.

Doesn't it bring out the beast in you?

Huh?

Um, forget it.

I hope you have better luck than I did.

Here's looking at you. - Ha.

"But Rob was not to be fooled.

He pointed his space gun at Marko...

and in a voice that did not reflect the fear within him, said:

'In the name of the Junior Terrestrial Rangers...

I hereby place you under arrest.'"

Oh.

Sweet innocent youth.

Signor Bruno.

- You have it? - No. I have something...

You made a complete search?

I didn't search at all.

Someone did it for me. Someone from U.N.C.L.E.

- Solo? - No.

Uh, Kuryakin.

That's what his papers said.

He must be the one that was in the room with Solo.

I don't think he'll trouble us anymore.

Good, Vito. Very good.

And he didn't have the formula?

No. I watched him search.

He's, uh, professional.

It would follow, Count Guardia, that she must have it in her purse...

wouldn't you say?

By process of elimination.

I can get it. I can grab it now.

And if anybody gives me any trouble...

If anybody gives you any trouble, Vito, they will give us all trouble.

There are too many people. Police station less than a block away.

Somebody screams, somebody runs to a telephone and, uh... Bah.

No.

I think this is a problem for Count Guardia.

Oh? And how is that?

We have to get Miss Sims out of here.

Who's better equipped to lure her away than Casanova?

And then I rob her?

No, thank you, Bruno.

I do have certain flaws in my character, yes.

But I'm not a common purse snatcher.

Vito and I will take care of that. You get her out of here. We'll follow.

But that hardly makes sense.

I don't make requests more than once.

All right.

And don't be so unhappy, Guardia.

Perhaps you may enjoy the young lady's company.

Oh, like I say: You've seen one cathedral, you've seen them all.

Shh.

Excuse me. Signorina?

I beg your pardon?

No, it is I who must beg yours.

For the past hour, I've been staring at you shamelessly...

from across the room.

- Can you forgive me? - Wh...

Permit me, I am Count Guardia.

Cesare, if you will be so kind.

Darlene. Darlene Sims.

Nice meeting you.

Illya?

Illya, come in.

It seems strange, Darlene... I'm sorry, Miss Sims.

Please, please, Darlene.

Thank you, Darlene.

It seems strange, but here we are.

Two people of altogether different cultures, different background.

We've known each other now, for what?

All of 10 minutes.

And yet I feel that I've known you always.

That's a very...

A very nice thing to say, Ce... Cesare.

No, these words don't come very easily.

I've never said them before.

Uh, Darlene, uh, you'll have to excuse George and I.

We have to go write some postcards.

- We do? - We do.

Oh! Oh, we do. Oh, let me get the check.

Oh, please, allow me.

We couldn't do that.

I insist.

Nobility still has some privileges, you know.

Well, thanks a lot, count.

If you're ever in Santa Monica, maybe we can buy you a dinner.

You are most kind.

- Goodbye, we'll see you later. - Good night, Mrs. Sparks.

- Good night. - Good evening.

Good night, Mr. Sparks.

May I propose that we leave too now?

Not to write postcards though.

- Where...? - Grazie.

Where do you want to go?

For a ride, through the night.

It is a beautiful night and a beautiful city.

- Room 114. Which way? - Uh, that way, sir.

But, uh, the lady who occupies it is, uh...

Illya?

- What...? ILLYA: It's a broom closet.

What time is it?

It's a little after 10.

Unh! Same night?

You all right?

Somebody tried to strangle me.

I pretended to be dead.

Afraid I was a little too convincing.

They got the formula?

It wasn't in her room. She must have it with her.

Well, she's still not in her room.

Then she must be in the restaurant.

- There she goes. - Mm.

That one. He's the one that worked me over.

You know, Cesare...

I've always told myself that someday it'll happen.

All of a sudden.

The place would be romantic and the man would be handsome and dark.

And maybe the corners of his eyes would crinkle when he laughs...

like in the magazine stories.

I guess every girl expects it.

Of course, not every girl thinks in terms of a count.

But all the time I was...

dreaming...

I never stopped to ask myself one question.

I guess I was afraid to.

But a man like that...

what would he want with me?

Darlene, why do you say...? - No, really.

I'm not rich. I'm not sophisticated. I'm not wise.

And no one has ever said, "Hey, wow, she's beautiful."

That doesn't speak well for the men you have known.

Well, I've only...

I haven't known too many.

I have known a great number of women.

Some were of noble birth. Some actresses.

Two or three were...

Well, let's not go into that.

On the surface, you would call them beautiful.

But the warmth, the inner glow, the excitement wasn't there.

You have it, Darlene.

Thank you.

Thank you.

For reawakening the faith of a cynic.

Come, let me show you the lights of the city.

That is the Palatine.

The Tiber is down there.

And that is my palazzo.

It's been in the family since the 15th century.

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right.

I'm always all right.

There they are.

It's not here.

I'm truly sorry about the purse.

If there was anything of value in it, I'd be...

You've given me an evening I'll never forget.

And you think I'm worried about a silly purse?

It was a wonderful evening, wasn't it?

I'll see you tomorrow?

I mean, later today.

Yes, I'll phone you.

Only phone?

I'll phone you early, that is.

And we'll decide on how to spend your last day in Rome. Hmm?

And after that?

That too, we shall discuss.

Good night, Cesare.

Good night, Darlene.

Good night.

Good night.

- Darlene? - Mrs. Sparks?

- I waited up for you. - Come on in.

Not that I was worried, I just want to hear all the details.

I mean, all you wanna tell.

Well, it's gonna take a little while to sort everything out.

- Where'd you go? - Oh, everywhere.

First, he took me dancing to a place where the jet set hangs out.

- I mean, no tourist. - Oh, wow.

And then, we went to a cabaret where they had a wonderful revue.

And then, we went to a place on the Via Veneto where...

Mm, and then we, um...

We just, uh, looked down at the city.

Mrs. Sparks, he says he's in love with me.

- Is that possible? - Well, I certainly don't see why not.

How do you feel about it?

Well, the same.

Darlene, the plane leaves tomorrow night.

By tomorrow night, I'll know if I'll take it.

I'm very happy for you.

I... I still don't believe it.

I told him it was the perfume.

Oh, speaking of that.

Thank you very much for giving it to me.

It might have had some effect on the count, but didn't do a thing for George.

Ha, ha. I still love him anyway.

Good night, honey. See you tomorrow.

Maybe she lost it.

She could have dropped it some place.

Possible but not likely.

We cannot work on that assumption.

The hotel safe. She might put it in there.

Why, my dear Vito, would a woman put a cheap bottle of perfume into a hotel safe?

- What if it was an expensive bottle? - Don't be a fool.

The girl, she must have it somewhere.

Yes?

Send him in.

- The count? - Yes.

Vito, I think we shall impress him into service once again.

Come in, Guardia.

Oh, excuse me.

Count Guardia.

I gather you found the young lady's company pleasant?

It was an assignment.

One which you pursued with pleasure, huh?

You were told to get her away from the hotel...

not to take her on an all-night tour of Rome.

She was lonely.

And obviously, she was quite taken.

With you. As is every woman.

Sure.

In any event, I thought it could do no harm.

You did get the purse, after all.

The purse, yes, if only briefly.

The formula, no.

- It wasn't there? - It wasn't there.

Pity. Well, I fulfilled my functions and...

It would appear that you've developed quite a fondness for this young lady.

It's strange.

Uh, didn't think she was your type.

Tell me, Guardia, do you plan to see her again?

No.

Ah, but you will. First thing in the morning.

You will invite her to your palazzo.

I'm sure she'd enjoy that.

Leave her alone, Bruno.

Obviously, she doesn't have the formula.

We shall determine that. Vito and I will be at the palazzo.

Your task is merely to bring her to us.

No.

- I beg your pardon? - I won't do it.

You are aware of the alternative?

My family lost the palazzo five times in 300 years.

I can bear to lose it again.

That alternative I never even dreamed.

Vito?

All right, Bruno. I'll go to her.

I told you once before that you're a weakling, Guardia.

You still are. Accept it.

Tsk.

- Miss Sims? - Yes.

I believe this is yours.

Where did you find this?

Well, it's rather a long story. We'd like to tell you about it.

- May we come in? - Of course.

Thank you.

Stick them up.

We are representatives of, um, U.N.C.L.E.

Yes, I've heard of that.

My name is Napoleon Solo. This is my associate, Mr. Kuryakin.

How do you do?

I've seen you somewhere before. I'm sure of it.

It was in that little sidewalk cafe, you were having lunch...

and we sort of, um, met in passing.

My friend is given over to illusions, miss...

- Excuse me. - What... What happened was he dropped...

Hello?

Cesare?

But, of course. I'd love to.

Oh, I'm just thrilled.

I'll be ready as soon as you get here.

Ciao. Uh, did I say that right?

Ciao.

Oh, excuse me.

That was a personal call. From a count.

A count?

Cesare Guardia. Perhaps you've heard of him.

As I was saying, miss...

uh, my friend Napoleon here had occasion to drop a perfume atomizer into your purse.

So that's where that came from.

It contained something of considerable importance.

- So if you would give it back to us. - I threw it away.

What?

Well, it was empty, but it's right here.

Uh, what is your name, sir. Huh?

That is a double bed beginning the night of the 14th.

You don't want a private bath?

Oh, all Americans want private bath.

Ha, very well, sir. Thank you.

Uh, scusi, uh...

- The trash. - What?

The trash. Where do you keep it?

"Keep it"? We do not keep it. We dispose of it.

No, where is it picked up?

At the rear of the hotel. Where else? Uh, wait, wait.

If you are looking for something in the trash...

the truck picked up just a moment ago.

And where does it take it?

Uh, to the dump.

And where might that be?

Ha, ha. I never thought to ask, you know.

There's not a taxi in sight.

I told you we should have rented another car.

Can you drive a tour bus?

Get in.

- Yes, sir. - Mr. Solo.

We've just been in contact with the Rome Sanitation Department.

You say the trash was picked up at the Grinaldo Inn.

That's right, sir. WAVERLY Well...

Well, that would be in the 8th Rubbish Disposal District.

Which means that it would be taken to the dump at the end of the Via Cavella.

Do you know where that is? - I think so.

We're not far away at all. Thank you.

One other thing. Just on a hunch...

you might check on a Count Cesare Guardia.

Guardia. G-U-A-R-D-I-A.

We'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Oh, and tell Mr. Kuryakin to drive carefully.

All right.

The Via Cavella.

That should be the next block. Turn right.

It shouldn't be more than a block or two.

There it is. Straight ahead.

We could pick through the debris, sir, but it would be hopeless I'm afraid.

Well, at least we can take consolation in the fact...

that Thrush won't get their hands on the formula.

- Yes. We're grateful for... - But not for very much.

We seem to have bungled very badly, Mr. Solo.

Failure to appropriate something from Thrush is one thing.

To lose that which we had in our possession...

is a very grave matter indeed.

Do you think now is the time to tell him we wrecked the car?

You may as well wind up your affairs...

Oh.

I, uh...

I have that information you requested on Count Guardia.

Well, that's, uh, sooner than I expected, sir.

Some of our departments operate with efficiency, Mr. Solo.

His title is legitimate.

His family background is impeccable.

But he seems to have bumped up against some financial difficulties lately.

It's reported, not confirmed, that he's gone to work for Thrush.

I suppose the matter at this juncture is academic.

I'm afraid not, sir.

It means that Miss Sims is in very great danger.

Over and out.

It's very imposing.

We don't have many places like this in Omaha.

No? Ha, no, I imagine you don't.

Aren't we going to go in?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Uh, but I was just thinking, darling.

It's such a beautiful day.

It seems a shame to spend it indoors in a gloomy old house.

A gloomy old house?

Oh.

Besides, the servants have the day off. I'm sorry I forgot all about that.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to entertain you properly.

I have an idea.

Why don't we just go for a drive instead?

We can come back later. Perhaps after lunch.

But we're here now.

There's no reason why we can't go inside the house now...

and then go someplace later.

Unless there's some reason you don't want me to see it.

Miss Sims?

Welcome to the Palazzo Guardia.

Is it my fault that someone has stolen the bus?

I ask you, is it my fault?

What do we gotta do, stand here all morning?

- George, it's not his fault. - I don't care who's fault it is.

All I wanna know is if we're gonna have...

Hey, here it comes now!

Thieves. Bandits.

You should be executed. Where you been with my bus?

Well, it's rather a long story but, uh...

He was my babysitter.

- That should more than pay you for... - Grazie, signor. Thank you very much.

All right, everybody on. First stop, Castel Sant'Angelo.

Sammy, what are you saying about that man?

He was my babysitter. Last night.

He read me to sleep.

Sammy, how many times I gotta tell you? Don't make up stories.

It's no story. It's true.

Now, George, what's wrong with the boy having a vivid imagination?

She left with Guardia. The clerk saw her go.

And he had no idea where they went.

Where who went?

The lady in the room next to yours, Sammy. Miss Sims.

Oh, yeah. I know where she went. She told us.

She was going with some man to his pal...

Pal...

- Pal... - Palazzo?

Uh-huh. Palazzo.

Sammy, get in the bus.

Bandits! Thieves! Come back here with my bus.

Come back!

And I believed it.

The warmth, the inner glow, the excitement.

"Oh, Darlene, you have it."

And I believed it.

Darlene, at the beginning, it was a part I was playing.

It's just as well that you found out the truth when you did.

You hardly could have been happy with a man like that, could you?

To business. That perfume atomizer, where is it?

I told you, it was empty. I threw it away.

She's telling the truth, Bruno. Can't you see?

We'll soon find out. Come, let's adjourn to the tower.

Vito, you and one of your men stay down here...

in case we have unexpected visitors.

Come along, Count Guardia. Don't you want to be with your love?

Think we should go to the front door and knock?

No.

Neither do I.

Truth serum.

Perhaps we should give you some, Count Guardia.

To find out how far we can trust you.

We should have stayed in the bus. That's what Mr. Kuryakin said.

You can go if you want. There's one thing I can't do.

That's sit in a bus that ain't going anywhere. Now hold it.

We can proceed now.

Miss Sims. DARLENE: Yes.

I have one question.

The perfume atomizer you discovered in your bag yesterday, where is it?

Perfume atomizer?

Yes.

There was only a little bit of perfume.

It ran out.

So I threw it away.

I guess the maid must have taken it out with the trash.

I told she was telling the truth. Let her go, Bruno.

She'll be on a plane tonight.

I thought I told you to stay downstairs.

I don't think we'll have to any more, Signor Bruno.

The two U.N.C.L.E. agents? They've been taken care of.

They came here? What have you done with them?

I thought you might want to dispose of them in your own way.

They're in the dungeon.

I'm proud of you, Vito. I'm truly proud.

Now, we can eliminate Miss Sims and the U.N.C.L.E. men at the same time.

- She has the formula? - No, she's telling the truth.

But we can hardly free her now, can we?

You realize that if you move your feet, my head gets cut off?

You're not thinking of moving, are you?

Well, I don't know how much longer I can hang on here.

My feet are killing me.

Well, you can hang on. Can't you?

- Napoleon? - Shh.

Wait, somebody's coming.

Who is it?

Don't move!

I can wait.

Guardia.

Killing us is one thing, but the girl...

Can we do without killing anybody?

Nobody is going to die.

Darlene!

Cesare.

Sammy?

Cesare?

Sammy.

- Are you all right, son? - Sure, Dad.

It's very seldom that we give a medal for heroism...

to an erstwhile Thrush functionary, Count Guardia.

But I must say this gives me a very great pleasure indeed.

Thank you, Mr. Waverly.

I've spoken to our transportation people.

They've already arranged for your flight back to Rome.

Um, I'm not going back to Rome quite yet, sir.

Oh, you are not?

We're going to Omaha.

Cesare is going to meet my parents.

I've never met a girl's parents before.

- You don't mean...? - Are we to assume...?

Well, nothing is definite yet but, uh, we thought maybe in the fall.

Cesare.

Yes, my love?

Do you suppose they'll live happily ever after?