Original subtitles

Dr. Von Kronen?

You're Herr Luger? From Thrush?

Yes, sir.

That must be the contact.

Transportation is at the bottom of the stairs.

If you'll follow me, please.

Oh...

Oh, come in, come in, gentlemen. Come in, come in.

Sit down, sit down.

Sit down, Mr. Solo, if you're able.

I'm sorry we failed, sir.

Oh, but that's not true, Mr. Solo.

You've made a most notable contribution.

- We have? - Oh, yes, indeed.

You weren't able to bring in Herr Professor Dr. Von Kronen...

but you did establish a very definite link between him and Thrush.

The world's most wanted Nazi scientist and Thrush?

And you, gentlemen, will endeavor to find out what tune they're going to play.

Face look familiar?

Louis Strago, wines and spirits tycoon.

Slogan, "Everything from champagne to whiskey."

Has branches throughout the world.

Was it, uh, Strago's men that beat us to Von Kronen?

Yes. Mr. Strago is in Sicily now, visiting one of his wineries.

We have reason to believe that Dr. Von Kronen is on his way there.

And you, Mr. Solo, and you, Mr. Kuryakin, will join him there.

Well, in a word, we're lost.

Oh, Napoleon, you've done it again.

Well, we can't be too far from Strago's domain one way or another.

I think if we...

Ah, hey.

Ha, traveler's aid.

Uh, I'm looking for Signor Strago's estate.

- Ah, uh-huh. - Ah?

He makes Marsala?

Ah, Signor Strago.

Miss Diketon, must you breathe so heavily?

You are massaging my back, not making love to me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Strago, I...

This is not the first time. And I find it decidedly nauseating.

The Uniform Code of Thrush Procedure states clearly...

that the relationship between a Thrush official and an employee...

- must be kept on the highest level. - Excuse me.

- Excuse me, sir? - Yes, what is it?

You did ask me to report as soon as we arrived, sir.

Oh, yes.

I trust you and Dr. Von Kronen had a good trip.

Get something to eat, Luger.

And ask the good doctor to come here into my office.

Oh, I won't need you.

I suggest that you transcribe some of the dictation.

Yes, sir.

- And Miss Diketon? - Uh, sir?

The, uh, skirt is too tight, the length is too short...

the, uh, neckline is too low.

You're working in a place of business now. Try to conduct yourself accordingly.

I'm sorry, sir.

A straight line, 30 kilometers, turn left.

Here, see?

Then we go through "Taforna"?

Taforna, si, yes.

Okay, grazie.

Code 3, this is 29, come in.

- You're Herr Strago, I suppose. - "Strago."

- Strago. - Correct.

And I cannot tell you, doctor, how eagerly we have, uh...

been looking forward to your arrival.

Yeah.

They have been looking forward to my arrival in Nuremberg too.

They're still looking.

This is as lucky for Thrush as it is for you, doctor.

I trust, Herr Strago, that you are about to reveal precisely...

why you called me halfway around the world...

to this dirty, hot and altogether miserable country.

- Mr. Luger told you nothing of our plan? - No, he did not.

- Good. - What?

Uh...

Because if he had, he would no longer be with us.

Oh.

The map, doctor.

You, uh, appear to find it quite interesting.

Does it bring back any old memories?

Oh, I have studied many maps very much like this one.

I know about your dream, doctor. A truly remarkable one.

Divert the Gulf Stream, turn the island of Greenland...

a barren icy waste, into a lush semitropical paradise.

That could have been the seat of a new empire.

The home of the master race.

And from it, and through the range of missiles that were later developed...

you could have controlled the world.

But Mr. Hitler didn't listen to you.

Thrush is prepared to listen, Dr. Von Kronen.

Indeed, we have been listening for quite some time. And now...

we are prepared to act.

What is it, Luger? I had hoped not to be disturbed.

I'm terribly sorry, sir, but this is rather important.

Communications has just heard from one of our sentries.

A couple of strangers, they could be U.N.C.L.E. men.

Are they coming here?

Yes, sir. They're coming through Taforna.

They should be there in, oh, 10 minutes.

Huh.

Well, then, Luger, you and your men should be there in five.

Yes, sir.

You came to join us in the procession, huh?

- Uh, no, Padre, no. - No?

But today, our pizzeria's open.

- Oh. - I want you to cut the ribbon for me.

Padre, it will be just like they do things in America.

Grande, big.

Very impressive.

Yes, it is.

Uh, big, big.

Signor Strago, he was supposed to cut the ribbon himself, huh?

Of course, he's a big man now. He's a padrone.

Si, ma Padre, Signor Strago is a very important man.

He cannot come, but he promise he'd send, um, eh...

Uh, representative.

- Uh-huh. - But so far, no one has come.

Oh, uh, who is this representative?

Uh-oh.

And much of the money I make, I give it to your church.

Oh, what a wonderful girl you are.

It is my hope that, uh, all your dreams will be good dreams.

And, uh, this beautiful wonderful pizzeria...

Diverting the Gulf Stream, of course, will mean much more...

than merely turning Greenland into a tropical paradise.

It will also mean turning most of the Northern Hemisphere...

into an icebox.

Indeed it will, doctor.

Can't you see it?

Blizzards in New York, in Paris, in London, in the middle of July.

I can assure you that Thrushland will take full advantage...

of the chaos that would follow.

Forgive me, doctor, we're forever being interrupted.

Herr Luger, uh, what have you found?

Well, uh, they were U.N.C.L.E. agents.

The, uh, same ones who almost, uh, captured Dr. Von Kronen.

Oh.

You've disposed of them, of course?

Well, uh, we got one of them.

You got one of them?

Yes, sir.

- And the other? - We, uh...

We searched all over, sir.

All over and...

And he got away?

Yes, sir.

Miss Diketon.

Sir?

Not dictation this time, Miss Diketon.

A task at which you're considerably more adept.

Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Strago, please, please...

You've jeopardized our entire organization.

That other agent is probably on his way here now.

But I...

Miss Diketon, no.

Miss Diketon, no.

Run.

Run!

Run.

- Have someone clean up that mess, please. - Right away.

Captain, there may be an U.N.C.L.E. man in the area.

I want a thorough search made.

And report back to me every half-hour on your progress.

As an expert in such matters...

may I say that your Miss Diketon is an artist...

of whom we would have been proud in the old days.

I think we'll get along fine, you and I.

Will you hurry that relay, please?

This is an emergency. Repeat, emergency situation.

Yes, Mr. Kuryakin?

I'm looking into Strago's winery. Except it's not just a winery.

There's some sort of laboratory on the grounds. And it's very well-guarded.

I see. Uh, where's Mr. Solo?

I don't know and I'm a bit worried.

We had to separate when things got a bit rough.

I haven't been able to contact him.

Well, uh, Mr. Solo has proven quite adept at taking care of himself in the past.

You better try to get into that winery. Do you think you can?

Probably not until nightfall unless the situation changes.

Very well. Carry on, Mr. Kuryakin.

That's for the pizzeria. He breaks it apart, he pays for it.

How rich is this one. Oh.

I am a poor girl. A simple girl, but I am an honest girl.

Well, this is for the interest.

Eh, the Padre says he's from America.

Ha, with this money, he must be.

Hmm.

How much of this did I miss?

The roof? It fell on your head, remember?

Oh.

Where am I, a local police station?

Oh, no.

You are in the house of Pia Monteri and her grandmamma.

- Eh... - How do you feel?

Oh.

You know, you break my pizzeria.

Yeah, I remember now.

I'm sorry, though.

- Can you help me up? I've got... - Oh, no, no, no.

- You are weak, you cannot. - Ow.

You lie down. I put a new towel.

You stay.

Hmm.

I remember. I saw you in the procession.

Do you, uh, collect pop art?

Pop? No. SOLO: Mm.

They're my uncles.

Oh.

Well, you must be very proud of them.

Oh, si, they go to America many years ago, the city of Chicago.

They do big important business. Prohibition business.

They do other things now.

Mm, yeah, that was very big, uh...

Pia? Is it Pia?

- Pia. - Yeah, I'm Napoleon Solo.

- Napoleon? - Yeah, Napoleon.

I've got to make a phone call.

No, no, you can't go out, you're very sick.

No.

- No, no. - I'll just make a phone call.

A telephone?

Yes, this is a trick phone.

Kuryakin here.

Illya? Napoleon.

Oh, Napoleon, where are you?

Well, right now, I'm being administered on to...

by a very beautiful young lady.

Forgive me, I should have known.

Ah, you should've, huh?

I'm gonna be under the weather for a little while here.

What...? Uh, what are you doing?

Trying to figure a way into Strago's winery.

I'm not as fortunate as you.

No, you're not, that's true.

Keep in touch.

Oh, hello, there.

How do you do?

You're a new one. I haven't seen you before.

I just came in as a replacement, Miss...?

Oh, Miss Diketon. You're really very cute.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss, uh, Diketon.

You there.

What's your unit?

Is there something wrong, sir?

Have you forgotten how to stand at attention?

Let's have a look at your papers.

You bumbling fools!

Have you any idea what one bottle of that heavy heavy water's worth?

Get up to my quarters, both of you!

Now you.

We'll have a look at your identification papers...

if you don't mind.

After him. He's the one we've been looking for.

Signor Solo, I hope you like the sewing I did on your jacket, huh?

Oh, good, thank you.

Your car, you know.

- Uh-huh? - It's in front of the school.

You go straight to the piazza then you turn right.

Right. Okay, thank you, Pia.

- Signor Solo? - Mm-hm?

You really have to go?

I'm afraid so.

Listen, I wanna pay you for what happened to the pizzeria.

In a way, I think I'm responsible.

No, no, we... We have... We have, um...

We have insurance.

What happened to the pizzeria is as good as paid for.

Well, let me pay you for the kindness and the sewing, then.

- There is no price for kindness. - No, I insist.

There is no insurance.

But you're so rich, huh?

I was.

All right, arrivederci, and thank you for everything.

I, uh... We meet again, huh?

I hope so.

I really do. Signora Monteri.

He's not for you, Pia.

Search thoroughly. If he's not in there, move to the next one.

We'll get him even if it takes all night.

Uh, I, uh...

Uh, Pia, don't be alarmed.

Signor Solo.

Excuse the, uh...

Santa Rosa, Signor Solo, what are you doing here?

Those men are looking for me. They want to kill me.

Now I need a place to hide.

You want to stay here?

Well, I have nowhere else to go.

Hey, what are you do...?

What do you want? You can't come in here like this.

What do you want?

Will you tell me, please, what are you do...?

Quiet.

- What do you mean qui...? - Upstairs.

No, my granddaughter is up there.

She is a child.

Grandma, what do they want?

Only to apologize, signorina.

Perhaps I was a bit too hasty.

You there, under the bed.

Out.

Out, out, out.

My apologies once more, signorina.

This is not the man we're looking for.

They must be after Illya.

Huh?

Oh, nothing.

The shame.

In my closet is my old wedding dress, Pia.

Put it on, put it on.

And then send someone for Padre Francisco.

- Then... - Quiet and don't move.

In a little while, you are going to be my grandson-in-law.

Tell me, you can support my Pia, huh?

- Uh... - You don't look very strong.

Well, I don't think that's really an issue right now, is it?

I mean, you see...

No, I don't think you do see.

I don't suppose I would either if I were in your position.

- Illya, come in, little friend. - Huh? What did you say?

Hmm?

Well, sometimes when I'm nervous, I, uh, talk a little bit to myself.

Illya, come in, will you?

Yes, Napoleon, how is your burgeoning romance?

Ah, it threatens to burgeon too far. Do you know where the car is, hmm, hmm?

Yes. What do you have in mind?

Car? What car? What are you talking about?

Ah, I'll be with you in a moment, Signora Monteri of 9 Valachi Street.

Then make it fast, make it fast.

- And honk. Honk when you get here. - Honk?

- Oh, a man who talks to himself? - Excuse me. Excuse me?

Such a one I should have in my family.

But it cannot be done this way.

The banns, the banns have not been published.

And then you hardly know each other...

No, no, Padre, they know each other too well.

Father, excuse me, I think an explanation is in order.

In Sicily, when a man stays overnight with a girl...

and the girl, she's not married, heh, heh...

there is no explaining.

There is only the wedding or the bullet.

I see, I see it is an emergency.

Excuse me.

Well, you can relax now, Napoleon. We'll be in Palermo in a few minutes.

They can't get you there.

That's not what's bothering me. It's the girl.

She's marked for life just because she tried to help me out of a jam.

We ought to go back. I'll make another stab at explaining.

I'm sorry, Napoleon, but we've a plane waiting for us.

With what we've learned and what we suspect...

Anyway, Mr. Waverly wants us in New York right away.

You want to leave here?

We leave Sicily.

We go to America. We will look for your Signor Solo.

And you will become the married woman, legitimate.

A fine chance even if we find him.

No, no, you don't worry about that, my grandchild.

We will go to your uncles.

Signor Solo will not make any trouble for the Stilletto Brothers.

They are of your blood, my child, and this is an affair of the blood.

And what if Signor Solo refuses?

No, no, no. Your uncles are honorable men.

If Signor Solo refuses, they will blow his head off.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Huh?

Fingers, you ain't even dressed yet. Why don't you give them pictures a rest?

- I mean, every single night. - Put them lights out and answer the phone.

- Yeah? - Put them out!

Who?

- Sicily? - Sicily? Hey.

Give me that.

Hello?

This is Signor Stilletto.

It is...

Ah, uh-huh.

Miami Beach is just great, just great.

And how is it with you? How is Taforna, eh?

- Oh, for crying out loud. - Shut up.

No, no, not you, signora, just my wife.

Uh-huh.

Ah, yeah, yeah, my little niece.

Not so little I bet, huh?

Eh? To Pia?

To my niece?

- What? What? - Shut up. Shut up.

It was right that you should call me.

You bet your sweet life I'll be there.

For this thing, for the honor of the family...

all the Stilletto Brothers will meet you in Chicago.

Yeah, like the good old days. Goodbye, signora, goodbye.

Pack me a bag and make it fast.

- You're going to Chicago tonight? - Shut up and pack.

Hello? I wanna send a telegram to my brother.

My brother, Federico Stilletto.

Sunset Valley Retirement Village, Santa Robles, California.

Fine, fine, Mrs. Feinberg.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Stilletto.

But you know, when I told her that 30 years ago...

you were number four on the most wanted list, ha, ha, oh, boy...

now she wants to take dancing lessons.

But you know, I think my son-in-law would get jealous.

- You Federico Stilletto? - Who wants to know?

You're Federico Stilletto. Telegram.

- Smart punk. - Thanks.

- Excuse me. - Certainly.

Anyway, maybe my daughter might come in tomorrow...

and start her lessons.

You'd love her, Mr. Stilletto.

And she'd be just so thrilled to be studying with you.

And you don't have to worry about my...

What an automobile. Elegant, huh?

Yeah, this here old baby has been sitting in the garage...

since before you were born, honey.

Right, signora?

I remember. You used to write about all your friends you would take for a ride.

- Them were the golden days. - Oh, that's funny.

I don't understand.

Can Uncle Enzo get out of this jail whenever he wants?

Pia, honey, when it's a matter of honor, family honor...

things can be arranged.

Pia, hey!

Well, welcome back from Sicily, gentlemen.

I understand you had a particularly narrow escape, Mr. Solo.

Uh, well, uh, actually, it was a, uh, misunderstanding.

Of course, of course.

I'm sure an U.N.C.L.E. agent would never do anything improper.

Mm-hm.

Well, now, to get to the business at hand.

You'll be pleased to know, I'm sure, that Mr. Strago is back in Chicago now.

And so also is the heavy heavy water you discovered, Mr. Kuryakin.

And it's absolutely imperative...

that we find out precisely how it's gonna be used.

We already have our plane tickets, sir.

Uh, your job, Mr. Kuryakin, will be to prowl the Strago warehouse...

dressed as a longshoreman.

And Mr. Solo will be your contact man.

A, uh, longshoreman, sir?

Yes, have you ever done any work of that sort?

- No, sir. - Oh.

Then, uh, you'll need this.

What is it?

A union card.

Of course, activated by the magnetized water...

one of the missiles submerged every mile or so along the Gulf should do the job.

At least according to our preliminary estimates.

- Thank you. - Of course.

The exact distance will be determined by our computers, of course.

All right, that's lunch!

Lunch!

Now, from what I saw, the missiles seems to be quite satisfactory.

Yeah.

Ah, Miss Diketon, you may telephone Mr. Strago.

Tell him the missiles may be loaded aboard your ships tonight.

Yes, professor.

I do think I'd better be calling Mr. Strago.

Now, gentlemen...

I've let you in here only out of respect for your past reputation.

But my patience is wearing thin.

Now, for the 20th time, let me assure you that Mr. Solo...

is not one of my mob, as you so quaintly put it.

I have not met him in Taforna or elsewhere.

And I have no idea where he might be found.

Now, Miss Monteri...

I'm sorry that you have to come all this way for nothing.

Why don't you take this nice child out to see, um, Lake Michigan or something...

or buy her an ice cream cone...?

Watch your mouth.

- Yes? Well, yes, put her on. - Well, what is he thinking?

Now will you be quiet?

Now what is the trouble? Oh.

Not yet, Mr. Strago, but he's getting very close.

Well, I'll, uh, take care of that right away.

Yes, thank you.

- You listen to me! - No, Mr. Stilletto, you listen to me!

Oh, I've, uh...

I've reconsidered.

Now, it's true that I don't know where Mr. Solo is, but, uh...

But his friend, the, uh...

The blond young man?

Yes, well, he does seem to be working for me.

You'll find him at my warehouse on the docks.

The punk is finally talking sense.

The buddy will lead us to Solo.

You're halfway home, sweetie.

Hey.

Me and Fingers are gonna drive around to the block behind the warehouse...

in case he wiggles out that way, right?

Right.

Oh, Crunch, you, Arnold and Scissors here go into the joint and flush him out.

I'll be over by the dock.

He gets by you, I'll make a handicap worker out of him.

He ain't gonna get by nobody, that kid.

There he is. That's him, ain't it?

Hey, you, come here!

All right, you punk. Punk, come here.

Hey, fellas, over here.

- Now, please, please, you're too old... - Just one punch.

I'm warning you.

Now, you stay there or I'll fill you so full of lead...

it'll take a crane to put you in a coffin.

Are you all right?

Watch out, it's a pineapple.

Whose grandfathers are all you people?

You got 10 seconds, blondie.

You don't want to be spitting out your teeth on the ground.

You tell us where your playmate, Solo, is.

Huh!

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Good afternoon.

How do you like them grapes?

Who's this guy? This Solo?

Looks like it's going to be a bad afternoon.

He sure is.

"U.N.C.L.E. Napoleon Solo."

Who's this U.N.C.L.E.?

You got a new racket working for you, sonny?

And she wants this for her husband.

Inside the car, punk.

You're going to attend a wedding.

Again?

Course, you don't wanna go, it's okay.

We got a substitute choice.

We wrap you up in one of them fine concrete overcoats...

and send you for a swim in Lake Michigan.

Your choice, punk.

Not you.

- See you. - I hope so.

Oh, come on now.

Oh, hello again.

Hi, there.

Oh, you are so cute.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm just going to love you to death.

Come on, slugger, let's get that tie up.

- Look, Mr. Stilletto, there seems to be... - You marry my niece, I'm your uncle.

Call me Uncle Fingers.

All right, uh, Uncle Fingers, at the risk of being redundant...

there's been quite a misunderstanding.

Hey, hey, hey, what's that?

What misunderstanding?

Hey, you bums, the bride-to-be.

Oh, Illya, you're awfully attractive.

I mean, I've known a lot of fellows in college and everything...

before I joined Thrush.

But, you know, you get tired of those one-shot affairs.

Besides, they couldn't hold a candle to you.

Yeah.

Look, nephew, in my family, when you take away a dame's honor...

it's right you give it back, capiche?

- Yeah. - And what is she, ugly?

No, she's lovely, Uncle Fingers. It's backwards.

She's superb, she's beautiful.

And she's still possessed of her honor as far as I know.

Then shut up. You're going to get married, period.

Why, half of the crumbs out there haven't been out of the woodwork for 30 years.

- Yeah? - But for this...

for the wedding of the Stilletto Brothers? Why, you ought to be proud.

I'm not Italian, you know.

It's all right. Try to be proud anyway.

Oh, Strago here, uh...

Are the missiles ready for transportation, doctor?

Ja, all out here on the wharf. All perfect.

The ship is due in five minutes.

Good, and that U.N.C.L.E. agent, um...

I assume Miss Diketon, um, is still toying with him?

Ja, she's still toying with him.

Fine. Uh, tell here I don't want him killed, however painful that may be to her.

And I'll be with you soon, professor.

Right now, however, I have still another U.N.C.L.E. agent to round up.

Orders from Central.

Take care, professor.

Now or never, yes or no?

You want to get married or you want to get dead?

Right now, I want my mother.

Now, remember, those old duffers in there may look harmless...

but I can assure you that during the Prohibition days...

they could have and would have torn either one of you apart...

for the price of a cigar.

So be careful.

And, uh, we want Solo alive.

Right where you are.

Hands up, everyone.

Hey, what is this? What do you bums think you are?

Oh, Mr. Strago.

Um, Mr. Stilletto, I, uh...

I hope you'll not mind too much, but I've come to collect the bridegroom.

Mr. Solo.

So you do know him, you liar. He is your man.

Come on now, Mr. Solo.

You don't really want to get married, do you?

Well, uh, right now I'm not quite so sure about that.

Nobody draws on the Stilletto Brothers, Strago. Nobody.

Down, down.