Original subtitles

- How is it? - Very inferior mustard.

Oh, perhaps I should have stopped at the taco stand.

Mm.

Twenty minutes ago, I'm sitting on the terrace...

of a lovely restaurant overlooking the East River.

Yes, there's a very nice view from there. I've seen it.

Violins are playing...

opposite me in a black dress that leaves little to the imagination...

is a perfectly gorgeous creature.

Yeah, Wanda. I've seen her too.

- She's all right. - Stop interrupting.

The wine steward has just filled my glass with an exquisite Beaujolais...

Maison des Sts. Peres, 1947.

And I have just cut in to a Chateaubriand steak...

when beep, beep, beep.

"Mr. Solo? Mr. Waverly."

There's a can of root beer in the glove compartment.

Mm. Thank you.

You've made my evening.

Felton Avenue, it should be around here somewhere.

I think it's up in the next block.

That's the number.

Channel D, please.

WAVERLY: Yes, Mr. Solo?

We're at 14432 Felton.

The house is dark and there's no sign of trouble.

I wanted to make sure we have the right number.

You have.

Dr. Lambert must be there.

I spoke to him about 10 minutes ago on the telephone.

I suggest you check further.

Probably goes on automatically.

After all, he's a scientist, one of his inventions.

Remind me to tell him to shut it off.

It was Thrush all right.

We saw them in the car when they went by us.

The man behind the wheel was Dolby.

Hmm.

Too bad Dr. Lambert didn't contact you sooner. He might still be alive.

He was dead before you arrived.

As you would be now...

if you hadn't had the foresight to soak your clothing.

Oh, yeah. It was nothing.

Well, nevertheless, it saved your lives.

You know, I wonder why they didn't take this.

It was right there in the laboratory, they didn't even touch it.

Look at it. It's case-hardened steel, half an inch thick.

That tiny beam of light goes through it as easily as a bullet through soft butter.

Well, Mr. Solo, this device is only a model.

Dr. Lambert was working on a new beam far more deadly than the laser.

I suspect that's what they were after.

With all the destruction, there's no telling

what they could've taken, if anything.

What puzzles me is, what's all this doing in Dr. Lambert's laboratory?

Looks like bottle glass.

Maybe they were having a drink.

Dr. Lambert was a teetotaler, Mr. Kuryakin.

This contains something more than ordinary libation, I can tell you.

Yes, Aquitine, gentlemen. Aquitine.

Now, some may insist that Chartreuse or Benedictine is the finest of fine liqueurs.

But I say that the choicest of them all...

is that made by the monks of the Order of St. Thomas...

at their monastery high up in the Swiss Alps.

And it's Aquitine.

I take it, sir, that you think that there is some connection...

between Aquitine and Thrush.

I should certainly hope not, Mr. Kuryakin.

But I am a bit concerned, though.

It so happens that I'm a friend of long-standing of Abbot John...

the head of the monastery.

A while back, he wrote to me indicating that something was wrong.

I answered immediately and heard nothing more.

That's why, Mr. Solo, I'd like you to look into it.

Oh, me? Go to a monastery?

Why not?

Might be good for your soul.

Uh, yes. I think you're right.

Meanwhile, Mr. Kuryakin, you'll go after the two men who murdered Dr. Lambert.

Yes, sir.

- Oh, uh, Mr. Solo. - Hmm?

As long as you're going to be at St. Thomas...

you might pick me up a case of Aquitine, will you?

Yes. Yes, I'd be delighted.

Stop! Stop! No, no!

Heel! No, darling!

Stop! Stop! No, no, no!

Keep it. Trophy of the chase.

Like the brush of the fox, you know.

I am terribly sorry, sir.

They are trained to rescue travelers, not to harm them.

What happened to their little barrels of brandy? They drink it themselves?

They are overfriendly, that is all. Out of practice.

Since the new tunnel has been built, they meet so few travelers.

Brother Peter.

By whose order do you exercise the dogs?

Forgive me... Silence.

As punishment, you shall forego your evening meal.

Ah, you must be Abbot John.

I'm Abbot Simon.

What is your business here?

Well, no business, really, I was just in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd come up and pay my respects to Abbot John.

He's a friend of a friend.

Besides, I'm fond of Aquitine.

I'm sorry.

Abbot John is no longer with us.

And we don't allow visitors.

I've found it affects the discipline within our community.

Brother Peter, lock up the beasts.

Aquitine. Thank you.

Trans World Airlines, Flight 174...

Porter, over here.

For St. Louis and Cleveland will depart from Gate 3.

- Passengers may proceed for check-in. - Thank you.

As you can tell, I'm at the airport.

They've just booked passage for Zurich.

Zurich, Mr. Kuryakin?

Oh, that's very interesting.

The St. Thomas Monastery is quite close by.

They have two suitcases, both very heavy.

I haven't had a chance to tell what's inside them yet.

Well, please do. Those suitcases may be important.

- Check them immediately. - Yes, sir.

- I can't, sir. - Why not?

They've just been checked through.

Really, Mr. Kuryakin, get aboard that plane.

- What are you waiting for? - Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, sir, that plane is booked solid. How about our next flight?

No, uh, no, thank you. That will be too late.

- Oh, good evening, Mr. Solo. - Good evening. May I have my key, please?

Retiring so early? The entertainment is just beginning.

Well, I had mine already. Thank you.

A long walk up the Alps. And down.

But why can't you put me through to the Vatican, operator?

The Father General of the Order of St. Thomas.

All right, so get me the Vatican.

But, operator, you don't understand. I have tried the monastery.

Oh, please, operator, it's urgent.

Why don't you just tell them that I'm the niece of Abbot John?

What do you mean it's too late?

This is utterly ridiculous.

You'd think somebody would be on duty in a place like that.

- Poor Mademoiselle Fouchet. - The Vatican?

She says her uncle was abbot at the monastery.

Now they cannot find him.

- Oh? Good night. - Good night.

Miss Fouchet, excuse me. I'm Napoleon Solo.

I'm staying here at the inn and I... You have a little problem?

It's personal.

I don't discuss personal business with strangers.

Could I interest you in a bottle of Aquitine? Or a man named John?

Abbot John.

Who are you?

Do you always listen in on personal telephone calls?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, telephone conversations, monasteries, keyholes.

What's the matter?

Is Abbot John really your uncle?

Of course he is.

Hmm.

I've had a little visitor.

You're a detective, aren't you?

I don't discuss my personal business with strangers.

Would you?

That's a 15 and a half, 33.

No. Looks more like a 16 and a half, 34 to me.

I'm sorry. I meant to help.

Well, they got away, jumped off the balcony.

Sorry.

I broke it, didn't I?

Speaking of help.

That's my Uncle John's handwriting.

Thank you.

I have her dossier now, Mr. Solo.

Yes, she checks out.

Andrea Fouchet, resident of Geneva, Switzerland.

Her family is quite prominent.

They manufacture cheese.

Ah, Swiss, I presume.

No, as a matter of fact, Gruyère.

And she is related to Abbot John?

Well, she's his niece.

His favorite relative, in fact.

Thank you very much. That's what I was interested in.

Oh, and, uh, Mr. Solo.

You'll try and remember not to forget the, uh...

I won't. Aquitine, a case.

Uh, would you also like some cheese to go with it?

Here she comes. I'll keep in touch.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Lovely day for a walk up a long hill.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Why would anyone want to harm Uncle John?

He's so kind and gentle.

Why, he never hurt a fly.

It may come as a shock to you...

but that's the type that makes the perfect victim.

What exactly did they tell you at the monastery?

Well, just that he wasn't there anymore...

and that he had been removed by order from the Father General.

- The new abbot told you this? - Abbot Simon.

You know, the minute I saw that man, I didn't like him.

It was like a cold chill ran right through me.

Well, I wasn't exactly warmed by his welcome.

I don't think he's too popular with the monks.

- Brother Peter seemed... - The monks?

Why, they're terrified of him.

Why, the last time I was there, everything was so sweet.

The brothers were happy and jolly and so full of life.

But those that I saw the other day, they're not happy anymore.

They're just plain frightened.

- Tired? - Just a little.

We're just about halfway there.

I still think it's foolish to go back to the monastery again.

We should have gone to the police.

What, and give up this nice walk in the sunshine?

But Simon, he'll never let us in, you know that.

Well, I've occasionally entered places where I wasn't invited.

Though I must say a monastery isn't one of them.

You are a detective, aren't you, Mr. Solo?

Napoleon.

Uh, yes, in a manner of speaking.

Well, what is it exactly that you're after?

Among other things, a case of Aquitine.

- One moment, please. - Oh, I have two suitcases.

And I'm rather in a hurry. If I could get them now...

First, they must clear custom, sir.

The regular procedure. Inside, if you please.

Is this Zurich?

Yes.

I was frozen inside there. There was no heating.

Is this any way to run an airline?

Oh, that's very amusing, monsieur.

But my problem is they treat me like a child.

Who?

My parents.

They keep insisting I marry Adolf.

- Who? - Adolf.

Oh, he's not so bad. We grew up together.

His family makes cheese and my family makes cheese.

Well, it sounds like a merger.

It's like curds and whey.

He's, you know, how you say, he's square.

He's not with it.

If you mention the Beatles to him, he thinks of insects.

Well?

Well, you know, Uncle John is like me.

He's a 60-year-old monk and he digs, you know?

And that is why I have to see him.

He's the head of our family and he'll listen.

What's that?

Couple of monks.

Well, how do you know they're monks?

Their robes. Elementary, my dear.

Timber.

What's going on here? There's no game around here.

I suspect he knows it.

You mean, he's deliberately shooting at us...

to keep us from the monastery?

Yeah, somebody up there doesn't like us.

Well, do something. Think.

I am thinking.

Wait.

I don't know. Personally, I prefer something a little brighter, no?

Put it back.

Now, you, get in the car.

Open Channel D. Kuryakin reporting.

Thrush agents have new model cathode tubes...

presumably stolen from Dr. Lambert.

The size suggests a device more powerful than any yet known.

You two, come here!

Not you. You!

Speak. I give you permission.

Speak. What happened to your habits?

We don't know, Reverend Father.

We put them aside because of the heat.

And when to returned, they were gone.

All right, you may be gone yourselves.

And remember, you have committed the sin of carelessness...

and you will do penance.

I would think our flock has increased by two.

Lock the gate.

Excuse me, I'd like to write to Abbot John, I've lost the address.

Could you, uh...?

I'm sorry, I really very much like to...

I beg your pardon, brother... - Shh.

I'm sorry. Oh, Peter. It's nice to see a friendly face.

I got the message in the bottle.

You remember me, the hat and the Aquitine?

Please, Abbot John, can't you tell us where he is?

This is Abbot John's niece. Where is he?

Ugh.

Aquitine?

Ew.

Not yet.

But when the secret formula is added, it will be.

- He talked. - Oh, now it is noon.

The morning vow of silence is over.

I told you that hourglass was fast, Brother Paulus.

It must be the sand. It is too fine.

Oh, I am so glad you have come. I prayed and prayed.

Where is Uncle John? Is he all right?

Yes, yes.

Oh, it is terrible, what has been happening. You have no idea.

Such punishment has been visited upon us.

And upon Abbot John.

Oh, not that we wish not to suffer.

On earth, all suffer. In heaven, we shall get our reward.

- Please. - Where is he?

- Where? - Where is he? A prisoner?

Uh, yes, yes. We are all prisoners.

Oh, it was so peaceful before.

And then, like a pestilence, the new abbot, Abbot Simon...

Abbot Simon.

A weapon.

And a woman in a monastery.

You've come to steel our formula, haven't you?

Our precious formula for Aquitine.

That is a grave transgression, you know.

And it will not go unpunished.

WAVERLY: Kuryakin? Come in.

Yes, sir?

I haven't been able to establish contact with Mr. Solo.

Have you heard from him?

Well, I'm in his room now.

There's no sign of him.

Nobody's seen him since he and the girl left this morning.

I see.

Well, now, pay close attention, Mr. Kuryakin.

It's, uh, 11 a.m. where you are now, correct?

Correct.

- At 5 p.m., the Louvre will go up in flames.

The Louvre?

Yes, the Louvre and everything in it.

Priceless works of art.

Mona Lisa, Venus de Milo, everything.

I'm leaving for Paris immediately.

Thrush? WAVERLY: Yes.

Thrush sent word here. Let me give you the exact phraseology.

"At 5 p.m., Paris time, this date...

we will burn the Louvre to the ground as evidence of our new power to destroy.

Signed, Thrush."

"New power to destroy"?

That must refer to those cathode tubes.

It's a pity you weren't able to intercept them.

You sure that Thrush aren't bluffing, sir?

Thrush seldom bluffs, Mr. Kuryakin.

That weapon must be found and destroyed.

And by 5:00, please.

Even sooner, if you can manage it.

Napoleon.

- Where are you? - You'll never guess.

In the belfry of St. Thomas.

I'm sorry I couldn't answer you, but, uh, we we're all tied up here.

Don't bother filling me in, I was listening to you and Mr. Waverly.

I got it all.

Uh, hang on. Here they come.

What's that?

You know very well what it is, Mr. Solo.

It's Dr. Lambert's ray gun.

I'm just checking, for the record.

Brilliant scientist, Dr. Lambert.

Brilliant. Too bad.

But Thrush is happy to make use of what he has left behind.

Do you know why we chose this particular spot?

Because of its location.

From this belfry...

we have a direct line of fire to half the capitals of Europe.

Direct?

Oh, perhaps you haven't heard the latest theory that the Earth is round.

And light beams travel in a straight line.

I'm surprised at you, Mr. Solo.

I was certain that you were familiar with Einstein's discovery...

that light is bent by gravity.

Oh, that's right.

It slipped my mind.

It didn't slip Dr. Lambert's mind.

He discovered a way of creating a gravitational force field...

that bends light rays to any desired angle.

It's really quite simple.

With this, we can kill a fly on the head of the prime minister at 10 Downing Street.

Or wipe the smile off the face of the Mona Lisa.

Then you already know about the Louvre.

Then you can imagine how busy we're going to be for the next couple of hours.

Sorry you won't be watching, but we're a bit crowded here.

Take them away.

It's 4:00.

So you really think they'll go through with it?

Well, a lot can happen in an hour.

My parents, they must be worrying about me by now.

And Adolf.

It... Oh.

The one who thinks that the Beatles are insects?

Poor Adolf.

He really loves me, you know that?

Well, that's understandable.

And he is sweet.

You know, you don't have to swing to be sweet.

I'm sure he is.

Do you know what he gave me for my birthday?

An assortment of cheese.

A 2-pound box.

I guess you don't think that's very romantic.

Hmm, on the contrary, it's the symbol of a merger.

A personal merger...

that would make him very happy, I'm sure.

Oh, you're right.

That does make it romantic, you see?

Of course it does, Andrea.

I never realized it before until a moment ago.

One never does until it's too late.

Andrea, listen to me.

Everything is going to be...

So now I know that I love him...

and he's never even kissed me.

I'm going to die in one hour and I've never even been kissed.

- Napoleon? - Hmm?

Will you kiss me?

What's that?

S.O.S. Help.

It must be Uncle John.

- Yeah. - Uncle John!

It must be.

All right, I've got a little button under my lapel here.

See if you can bite it out.

- Got it? - Uh-huh.

- Okay, pull it out. - Unh.

That's good.

Now, let me get that little tab that's sticking out.

That's good. Oh, yeah.

Now, pull back very slowly. Pull it back.

Very slowly.

All right. There, now let it loose like that now.

When I say three, let it drop, all right?

- Uh-huh. - Be very careful.

One, two, three. Drop.

- Hmm. - What is it?

Well, if it's what our lab says it is...

- Everything is secure? - Yes, sir.

To make sure it stays that way, I think you'd better get out of those robes.

From now until we fire at the Louvre, we'll be very busy.

The range is 1342 kilometers gross.

Thirteen hundred forty-two kilometers gross.

Plus 0.2024 fine.

Plus 0.2024 fine.

Azimuth, one minute, five seconds from true horizon.

Azimuth, one minute, five seconds from true horizon.

Force field build up, five seconds prior.

Force field build up, five seconds prior.

Information data complete.

Twenty minutes to go.

Uncle John. JOHN: Child.

How on earth did you manage to find me?

Uncle John, this is Napoleon Solo from U.N.C.L.E.

Oh, I should never have written that note.

Now I've put you and Andrea in jeopardy too.

Don't worry, Uncle John. Napoleon will get us out of here.

How did they manage to take over?

Oh, it was all quite proper.

That Simon had a letter...

from the Father General of our order in Rome.

Even the official seal.

All forged, of course.

Thrush is very adept at that.

No, no, Mr. Solo. There's a better way.

These walls are honeycombed with secret passages.

Let me.

Once I find the right...

Wait.

Yes.

Go in.

Which way is the belfry?

This way.

- You rang the wrong bell. - Not me, you.

D major seventh. Sorry.

What is the world coming to?

The abbot will be furious.

I'm, uh, looking for a man about my height with a girl.

- Oh, yes, yes. They are here. - Where?

Poor things. Really, it is all my fault.

- And mine. - No, no. I talk too much.

I talk and I talk and I go on talking...

All right, you.

Remind me, I talk too much.

You talk too much.

This way.

Well, Kuryakin, isn't it?

So we meet again.

You want him in with the others?

There's no time. Tie him over there.

I'm sure you'll be interested in this, Mr. Kuryakin.

I can hardly wait.

You won't have to.

At 5, the Louvre.

At five after 5, you and your friends.

I'm sorry, Mr. Solo.

I'm afraid we are lost.

Five minutes to 5.

Five to 5.

Call it off, Simon.

Sorry, Kuryakin.

The American tourists will have to find someplace else to visit.

This must be the belfry. I'm certain.

I'm sorry.

Let me try this time.

- Where are you going? - There's one entrance I do know about.

The way we were taken into that dungeon.

Forty-seven seconds.

If I remember correctly...

it takes 20 seconds for the bells to ring the quarter hours...

then they ring the hour.

Fire it on the final bell.

See, my dear. I knew I'd the find the...

Glad you could join us.

I got so engrossed in finding it, I forgot what would happen when we did.

Just in time.

No!

No! Can't you do something?

Napoleon, look out!

Napoleon.

Father, we ask pardon.

- Pardon? - We struck a man.

- I struck him. - I would have struck the next.

- Oh, no, you... - Peace, peace.

You are both absolved.

All right, Simon, stop ringing.

Curfew's over.

I must say, gentlemen...

there at 10 seconds to 5, we were feeling concerned.

Even the Mona Lisa's smile seemed a bit wan. Ha.

I'm sorry about that. Perhaps this will make up for it, though.

Hmm?

What's this?

Ah, yes.

Yes, indeed.

Well, how much do I owe you?

No, it's with Abbot John's compliments.

Also, he would be honored if you would attend the wedding.

The wedding? What wedding?

Andrea's. She's going to marry Adolf.

And we're sure they're going to be very happy.

Yes, delighted. Delighted to attend.

Did you, uh, have any difficulty getting through the customs?

Ah, no, we, uh, claimed diplomatic immunity.

- Good. - We kept them on ice all the way, sir.

Ice?

Aquitine on ice?

Oh, no, gentlemen, gentlemen.

You know better than that, surely.

Especially you, Mr. Solo.

One never puts a fine liqueur on ice.

And Aquitine is the finest of fine liqueurs.

Oh, well.

Ah, not bad. Not bad at all.

Aquitine on ice.

Well, gentlemen, you've done it again.