Original subtitles

[rock riff plays]

Did you bring it? Jay's gonna be here any minute.

Yeah, it's your first time having sex, and you have to be safe.

[inhales deeply, exhales]

I ran to the store to get condoms, and I really needed this.

Grandparents are out of the house. The zit on my back finally went away.

The sex stars have aligned.

Leia, I am so tired of this virgin stuff.

Take the leap!

Okay. Get out of here.

You don't want me to hide in the shower so I can give you pointers after?

-Would you? -Goodbye.

We have a problem.

-What happened? -I messed up my shoulder.

Today?

On this, the most important day of our young lives?

I'm sorry.

I skateboarded in front of a car that was moving a little.

But the doctor said it would've been worse if it was moving a lot.

Wait, it's just your shoulder. Do we really need that?

You've seen me dance. I'm all shoulders.

You know what's really sexy?

Taking a few Advil.

Leia... my body is a temple.

I mean, nothing goes in here that I can't catch, kill, or grow.

My shoulder needs something as natural as Sunny D.

"Xanthan gum, sodium benzoate, sodium hexametaphosphate."

Those are science words for what's in an orange.

[theme music plays]

♪ Hanging out down the street ♪

♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ But talk to you ♪

♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Ooh! Give it to me! Give it to me!

"Hey, Donna, how are you? How was the long drive from Chicago?"

Oh. Sorry, honey, I got a Beanie Baby hole that needs plugging.

Oh! Chomps the Alligator!

You are just...

[straining]

Normally, I do this part in private.

Lucky for you, I was the only one at CVS who could reach the back of the top shelf.

I hated that you and Eric were the same height in your wedding pictures,

but now it's really paying off.

[laughs]

See that? That's how she used to look at Eric as a baby.

You know, before the talking.

Look, Red... Chomps is here.

-[chuckles] -[exclaims]

Twenty more, and I will have the whole collection.

You told me this was for a sick kid at your church.

Aren't you happy that was a lie? Everyone's okay.

I didn't know this was a whole thing.

You need to nip this in the bud. I saw a lady like her on the news.

She swallowed a bag of marbles trying to become a Beanie Baby.

Donna, when I look at these stupid sacks of beans,

I see money.

What?

Well, when Kitty dropped ten bucks on Willie the Walrus one day,

I about blew a gasket.

But then I sold Willie to a Girl Scout for 20 bucks.

And that's how we became business partners.

We're gonna call it "I Dream of Beanie."

[laughing]

[rock music playing]

I hope someone's home.

I need a baggie of all-natural pain relief.

Leia was super horny.

Whoa!

Girl horny.

Dude, she was like boy horny.

You guys don't know boy horny.

Hey. You know I applied for that job at the Hub to show Nikki

that I'm mature and responsible?

Under job experience,

I said that I was a lawyer at the law firm of Ozzie and Ozzie, so...

If they call you, be ready.

I'm always ready to lie to an adult.

Hey, kids! Man, I'm so embarrassed,

'cause I'm in the middle of a fight with my roommate.

Excuse me for a second?

Sit your dumb ass down, or I will sit it down for you!

Uh, is this a good time?

Oh, this is a great time. Especially for a life lesson.

Come on in. Let me show you what a real-life schmuck on wheels looks like.

Follow me, people of Point Place. Thar she blows!

You're embarrassing yourself, bro. It's your tramp stamp all over again.

He's got a panther jumping over his butt crack.

Kids, this was my didgeridoo until Bunch sat on it and broke it.

If you put your didgeridoo in a sitting place, it's gonna get sat.

He doesn't understand. I'm stressed out 'cause I've taken over my dad's business.

This was the only thing that helped me relax.

You do know what's inside of your baggies, right?

Kids, a dime is fine from time to time, but nothing does it like the 'doo.

Guys, look, I'm kind of in a rush here.

All we need is a baggie.

We'll get out before this gets personal.

I've known him since I was a kid. This could never get personal.

Although look at the stupid way he chews.

Man, you eat like a Muppet!

-We're going there? Okay. -Yeah.

I banged your mom, and I'll do it again.

For real?

[rock music playing]

Jay's out of commission for two weeks, which means no sex for a fortnight.

[in British accent] A fortnight?

[normal] You're having sex with Jay, not a British soldier.

I was so ready. And I keep getting more and more ready.

Good thing you can solve this problem... yourself.

Absolutely.

-Do you know what she's talking about? -I don't.

Leia, I'm talking about, you know... scooping your own ice cream.

DJing your own party?

Why don't we just say the word and own our sexuality?

Masturbation!

Oh, that's why we don't say it.

Oh, that, yeah. [scoffs]

I've dusted my own bookshelf.

-And? -It was fine.

Fine? Girl, it's not supposed to be fine.

It's supposed to be fine!

No, I don't understand. I have the hottest go-to fantasy.

[dreamy music playing]

Doug, this sparkling apple juice is perfectly chilled!

[both] I am so excited to write about this in my journal.

[both gasp] Jinx!

[both laughing]

Leia, you're prettier than Patti Mayonnaise.

Uh-huh. Take off your vest.

But this is a family cartoon.

It's not Saturday morning anymore, Doug.

[sultry guitar lick plays]

Ooh!

Douglas!

[romantic music playing]

[barks quietly]

Doug Funnie?

He really knows my body.

You have to stop that.

Maybe think of a real-life boy.

Like, lately, I've been thinking about him.

What? That's my go-to guy!

We have the same go-to guy?

That is super weird.

I'd say it's a lot weirder than me doing it with a TV celebrity.

Stop bringing up Doug. He's not even hot for a cartoon.

If you want to fast-track the whole thing, try a shower head.

That got me through the first six months of my relationship with Nate

before he started listening.

Fine. But for the record, Doug Funnie is the kind of guy you marry.

And that's sexy.

[rock riff plays]

Smell it.

You can smell the quality.

It's pure as hell.

-I'll give you ten. -Excuse me.

I was just driving by, and this little fella just caught my eye.

Is that Chomps the Alligator?

Why, yes, it is, handsome neighbor.

Hot damn!

I'll give you 20 bucks for that!

-I'll do 25. -30!

Okay, I'll do 35. And I'll throw in Flippy the Fish.

I will need Flippy the fish, Quackers the Duck, and Walter the Whale.

She means the limited edition Walter with the bow tie.

I should've known you jerks were working together.

The Beanie community is going to hell.

I'll be right back.

[rock riff plays]

Well, we sure cleaned that guy's clock.

When you said limited edition, my teapot really started whistling.

[both laugh]

You liked that, did ya?

-[gravelly] Limited edition. -[laughing]

Not alone. You're not alone.

Listen, I'm worried about you guys.

You could get ripped off, or worse, end up with a lot of Beanie Babies.

Well, we really appreciate you looking out for us.

Okay, I said my piece. Do what you want.

Did we just get in trouble?

I don't know. I wasn't listening.

[rock music plays]

Hey, girl.

Are you talking to my mom?

Yeah, I'm talking to your mom. And she's using her sexy voice.

Mom, don't fall for this! He's trying to get back at me for banging...

Never mind!

I gotta get back to Leia.

I mean, she wants to have sex with me.

And if I'm not there, she'll scramble her own eggs.

We gotta do something.

Do we, though?

Let's just let them bang each other's moms.

All we need is for Bunch to apologize for breaking the...

the dongity-dong.

You're right. Let's show him.

Hey, guys.

It seems like the problem here is that no one wants to apologize.

Okay, but it's super easy.

Nate, remember in sixth grade

when your dirt bike got stolen, and you were super sad?

I loved that bike. We spent the whole summer looking for it.

Well, the truth is... I was jealous, and I stole it.

And I... Look, I'm really sorry, bro.

But now that I've apologized...

we can put it behind us.

You stole my bike?

Yeah, but I apologized. So we're back to being best friends.

This is so messed up, dude.

When you got your new brown bike, I was so happy for you!

Your new brown bike was my bike painted brown?

You know, you just wouldn't shut up about your new bike, bro.

All of us old bike kids hated you.

You should be friends with them,

'cause I didn't know my friend was a dickwad.

I'll be your new friend. 'Cause my friend sucks!

If you're gonna let him be his friend, don't introduce him to your mom!

[rock riff plays]

So, if he's a prince in your fantasy, are you, like, a princess?

No, I'm the president.

-What are you in yours? -His bully.

Shh...

Sometimes you just gotta... Yeah, you gotta tap the bottom. Here.

Random question. Have you ever been shoved in a locker?

No. Why, should I worry?

I haven't decided yet.

Did you leave a copy of White Noise here last week?

Uh, yeah, I've been looking for that.

Well, I'm reading it right now.

You take great notes.

I don't love that he's a reader.

But I can make it work.

[rock music plays]

Boring.

Maybe.

[laughs]

I don't think so.

[knocking at door]

[Red] What's going on in there? Did you fall in?

Someone's doing homework in here!

[rock riff plays]

I just can't figure out how the heck this thing broke!

Me either.

I was taking a very standard shower, and it just came off.

It just came off?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Can we please talk about something else?

Well, it just makes no sense.

You'd have to pull so damn hard to get that fitting to snap.

Oh!

Oh...

[sighs] Well, things happen.

But if we don't figure it out... then it might happen again.

-Well... -After this, probably not.

Are we here to chitchat, or are we here to eat?

I know. I'll talk to the guys down at the plumbing supply about this.

They'll know.

Sure, they'll know.

They always know.

He's gonna talk to the guys?

[rock music playing]

-Scrote! -Sack!

-Chode! -Scrote!

He already said that. There you go, stealing things all over again.

Enough! We are solving this... now.

I'm sorry I broke your didge.

It was a cry for help.

It's just you were spending so much time with it.

I started to feel invisible.

And it got real bad.

I couldn't even see myself in that mirror.

That's a window.

You know, it's not easy being Leo's kid, man.

I'll be honest with you. He's so organized and intellectual, man.

But still, I hear his voice in my head all the time.

Or is that my voice I hear in my head all the time?

Wait a minute. Am I talking, or is my dad talking right now?

It's okay.

Together, we can do anything.

The more you know.

Only you can prevent forest fires.

[sighs]

You know what, man?

I spent all those years just... wondering where my bike was.

My best friend... was riding her all along.

Now that I know that, I...

I can release her ghost into dirt bike heaven.

She's not dead, man.

Remember that blue bike I got you a couple years ago for your birthday?

That's your girl.

I've been riding her all along?

Full circle.

[kisses]

This song is called "Brown Bike, Blue Bike, Same Bike."

[deep note sounding]

Ooh, I'mma lay down some harmony.

[high note sounding]

[middle note sounding]

I wish I could stay to see this, but my shoulder feels great.

I gotta go see Leia.

I don't want to be rude.

[didgeridoos harmonizing]

[rock music playing]

[light knocking]

Hey. Need any help?

I'm not even good at doing this by myself.

Why am I the most embarrassing person in the world?

Your grandparents are blowing their savings on stuffed animals.

You're not even the most embarrassing person in this house.

You're a teenager.

You're figuring stuff out.

It's normal to not know what you're doing.

But all my friends are, like, sex experts.

Uh, they're not.

You know what? Forget all this.

I'm putting off any sex stuff until I'm in my 40s.

You wait too long, it gets weird.

You've met your dad's friend, Gene? That's what that looks like.

Listen. There are no magic secrets to any of this.

Just expect that everything related to sex is super awkward at first.

And anything that isn't is a fun surprise.

Just take your time,

make sure that you are comfortable,

and be safe.

Thanks.

Poor Gene. He's so good at juggling. You'd think he'd be able to find a woman.

Sweetie, you have so much to learn.

[rock riff plays]

Put that apron on and get back in the kitchen.

Uh, this is fun and all, but you wouldn't actually date him, right?

No way. Look at his little hips.

I could snap him in half.

Good. 'Cause I want to.

Break up with him. Give him one last swirly and kiss him goodbye.

You want me to kiss him after his head's been in a toilet?

None of this is real.

Fine. I'll find a new go-to.

I wonder if Lenny Kravitz likes being bullied.

It's better if he doesn't.

Hey!

-What are you doing? -Nothing.

-My friend thinks you're hot. -Sorry.

She's...

correct.

I clock out in a bit if you want to hang. I'll tell you how the book ends.

-I thought you didn't finish it. -Uh, I'm insecure about how fast I read.

I didn't want to embarrass myself.

Me too. We could do a daily book club.

-I call president. -How about we be co-presidents?

Trust me. You really want me to be the president.

[rock riff playing]

[knocking at door]

[Red] Come in!

Hello, Donna!

Have you guys been drinking?

We stopped at Applebee's on the way home for a few drinks, Mom!

And if they're gonna charge us five dollars for a margarita...

I'm leaving with a snowshoe.

We were celebrating. Earlier today...

Too close.

We sold all the Beanies. Red, hand me my purse.

Yup.

I can't put this thing down.

What if it snows?

He was doing shots with a lacrosse team.

We got a ride home on their bus. They loved my songs.

Too close again.

Did you guys at least break even?

Oh. Break even? We came home with 1,500 dollars cold, hard cash.

And a snowshoe.

Let's not lose sight of that.

I never should've doubted you.

I didn't realize my comments in passing would inspire such a big reaction.

Well, you could fill a room with what you didn't realize.

Okay.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

And I'm gonna leave super early so we don't have to talk about this.

Another great trip in the books.

[sputtering]

Kitty!

Yeah?

Kitty!

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned...

No, you're a good man.

That was really fun, doing that together.

It was.

[laughs]

Kitty.

Listen to me.

We gotta go back for the other snowshoe.

[rock music playing]

Leia.

I'm back, baby!

So you're 100%? That means we could...

Do it.

Were you gonna say "do it?"

Yes, I was.

Is everything okay?

Your hands are clammy.

I get like this before I have sex.

I think.

Actually, now that this is really happening,

I'm nervous.

Oh.

Well... look, we don't have to do this.

No, I want to.

It's just... what if I do it wrong?

Um...

I don't think you can.

Leia.

It's fine.

Really. I mean, maybe today's just not the day.

Why don't we just... sit here and hang out?

Yeah. It's nice.

I know something that might make you feel better.

I can do this now.

[chuckles]

Hey, it's not funny.

Okay? Shoulder dancing is an undervalued art form.

-Try it. -[chuckles]

[chuckling]

Whoa! I'm really good at this.

You've been practicing, huh?

What?

Today's the day.

["Fade into You" by Mazzy Star playing]

♪ Fade into you ♪

Oh, Leia! You're even prettier than Patti Mayonnaise!

Uh-huh.

Take off your vest.

[kissing sounds]

At least we still have each other. [barks]

[kissing sounds]

[song fades out]

[sighs]

I really hope I get hired.

When Nikki sees me working here, she'll think it's badass.

I think that guy stole your idea.

We're still gonna get burgers, right?

Yeah.

[closing theme music playing]