Original subtitles

[rock riff plays]

Gwen, my grandparents get back from Paris this week.

-And I don't want there to be a huge mess. -Oh yeah. Worry about me and not that.

I see the hole, Gwen.

I see it now. I see it when I'm sleeping. I see the fricking hole!

Grandpa... it's been over a week.

Are you sure we shouldn't have hired professionals?

Hey, your great-uncle Spogiera

watched them build the Empire State Building.

Show some respect.

But we're almost done. Just got a few more doodads and whatnots.

[in Italian] Your head is like an empty bucket.

[in English] Italian burn.

Well, you can both relax.

We have till Friday to put on the finishing touches.

Yesterday, you said they get back Tuesday.

Tell me you wrote it down. Our lives are on the line, Bob.

I don't need to write it down.

They're coming back on the same day I get my haircut.

When is that?

That, I don't remember.

Grandpa, that means they're coming back...

Today!

My kitchen!

Someone's gonna die.

[theme music playing]

♪ Hanging out down the street ♪

♪ The same old thing we did last week ♪

♪ Not a thing to do ♪

♪ But talk to you ♪

♪ We're all all right We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

It's over, people.

They'll board up the basement and send me to Chicago.

I'll die before I go back.

Don't worry. We're gonna run away together.

I'll be Thelma. You'll be Louise. We both have the hair for it.

-It'll be us against the world, babe. -I think the world's gonna win.

My parents can't know about this.

They lost it when they found out I got a belly button ring.

Your parents are tough.

Can I see it?

I'm not worried about the hole in her belly.

I'm worried about the hole in my kitchen!

No, I'm not worried. I just wanted to see it.

Guys, we're good.

We were just innocent little kids

left under the care of this reckless guardian.

No, no. I'm not going down like that.

I will throw you all under the bus.

-Even me? -Yours is the only name I know.

Hey.

Before you start yelling... how was Paris?

It was nice.

The weather was good.

The food was... so-so.

And there is a hole

in my house!

All of my cups are broken!

My teacups, my coffee cups, my gravy cup.

I know it's a boat! I am upset!

-We didn't mean... -No talking!

I am bringing down the hammer!

None of you will ever see the pictures of my trip.

Not even the ones of the kids smoking.

That is cruel but fair.

I speak for everyone when I say we've learned our lesson.

You're not getting off that easy.

I need a name, and I need an ass!

My name's Nate, and this is my ass.

It was all my fault, okay?

I was speeding and air drumming, and I drove my van into your house.

The rest of you can go.

You are going to pay me back in misery.

I am going to tell you the names of every porcelain figurine you murdered.

Starting with Annette.

She was the swan that held my napkins!

Bro.

What are you doing? You need your ass.

This is a good thing. I saved everyone

so Nikki will think I'm a hero and fall back in love with me.

That... will work.

[laughing] I know.

You're the only person I can tell about this, so...

I need you to put it in the vault.

Better hold that key just in case.

Cold.

[Kitty] My whisk is flat!

Good luck, bro.

Her whisk is flat!

Which means I have to take her to Bed, Bath, and Beyond!

My own personal hell.

So, welcome to yours.

You're gonna take me suit shopping?

-No. -[sighs]

But be prepared for pain,

sweat, tears, and humiliation!

That sounds a lot like suit shopping.

[rock music playing]

Nate is such a hero.

Grandpa Bob?

Disappointing.

-Why did Nate do that? -I don't know.

Nobody knows.

I feel so bad.

This is why I'm happy I was born without a conscience.

You sound like a serial killer.

They get stuff done.

We should get him something to make up for all this.

Something he'll love. What's he really into?

Professional wrestling.

On his birthday, we have to save an extra piece of cake

in case Rowdy Roddy Piper stops by.

It always ends in tears.

Before bed,

Nate poses wearing nothing but his title belt.

How do you know that?

Sleepovers.

They have one every week. It's called the Sleepover Crew.

Don't say that name out loud. It gives them power.

What's that I'm hearing?

Oh. Jealous.

Jealous.

Who's the Party Animal?

He's a wrestling superstar. You sound ridiculous.

You like wrestling?

Sweaty, muscle-bound guys grappling in theatrical costumes,

calling each other names?

These are a few of my favorite things.

Problem solved. We'll get him another of these little naked guys.

No more of those.

Every time he takes a bath, there's, like, 20 of them in there.

What was wrong with my idea?

You never said it.

Oh.

Well, there's a wrestling convention in Milwaukee.

The Party Animal's gonna be there.

I really never said any of that?

-Then let's all go and get this signed. -You know what we need?

Someone who doesn't go.

Yeah, I've been in one of those figurine baths.

I think I've paid my dues.

Fine. We'll do it.

-You better pee before we leave. -I don't have to go.

I've heard that before.

Go have a seat and see what comes out.

[rock music playing]

All right, Mr. Forman. Finished cleaning the driveway.

No cavities, so, uh...

see you in six months. [chuckles]

I'm glad you still have your sense of humor.

When the laughter dies, I know I've done my job.

Now, go get rid of that hornet's nest in the backyard.

That's dangerous.

I need a special suit for that.

A suit?

I wonder if Men's Wearhouse is open.

Okay! I'm going.

[in Italian] You want me to do everything, lazy son of a bitch.

[in English] You kissed Aunt Maria with that mouth?

[in Italian] My Maria, I dream of kissing her again.

[in English] I miss her too.

-Maria. -[both crying]

Red, we're gonna cut out early 'cause we're too sad.

-See you tomorrow. -No!

[in Italian] Tomorrow is our special day.

[in English] I promised him Six Flags.

See you next week.

Don't bother. You're fired.

For what? We didn't do anything.

We didn't do anything.

[whispering] It's cool. They're sleeping.

-[all shouting] -Save yourself!

-[hornets buzzing] -[rock riff plays]

You seriously took one of those action figure baths with Nate?

It's how I got him to take a bath in the first place.

Hey, girls.

Mrs. Forman, you seem like you're feeling better.

Well, my blender was spared, so I made some margaritas.

[laughs, snorts]

I gave it some thought,

and I'm only punishing myself if I don't show you my vacation pictures.

There's three more bags upstairs.

[sniffs]

Freshly developed pictures.

Who wants a hit?

Okay, let's do this in order.

Oh no. My pickled eggs.

I'm supposed to take them out of the juice right now.

Right. Those things will get salty, and people will bring it up every Easter.

Seriously? Pickling?

I pickle.

Okay. So this is us at our layover in Atlanta.

It's a picture, so you can't tell. The sidewalks are moving.

And this is the lady who took our picture.

Her name is Diane. She's a stay-at-home mom from Tulsa.

And this is a picture of a picture of her kids in her wallet.

[laughing heartily]

[disinterested chuckle]

[rock riff plays]

Hey, everybody! Ready to party?

[all] Yeah!

I can't believe Nate's missing this.

I mean we're breathing the same air as the Party Animal.

Like, if he burps, we can suck that down.

I still can't figure out why Nate took the blame.

[sighs] Who knows? I mean, life's a mystery.

I mean, we're made of stuff that's billions of years old,

but we can't buy beer?

-That's what we should be talking about. -What? You're acting so weird.

Nate told you why he did it, didn't he?

[sighs]

He did, okay? But it's in the vault, and my crotch is locked.

Pretty sure I can get in there.

Damn it. We didn't think of that.

Hey, there.

That is an incredibly convincing Goldust.

-Did your girlfriend help you with that? -Oh. No, I don't have a girlfriend.

Did your wife help you with that?

Wrong direction, dude. [chuckles]

-Uh, did your... -We don't have to play this game.

-Want to split a popcorn? -I already had some.

-Why did I just say that? -Come with me.

I can't tell you why he did it.

-So Nate's more important than me? -No.

So I'm more important than Nate?

Don't make me choose between my babies.

Welcome to the party!

Hold on. We're in the middle of something.

Leia, have some respect.

He owns a tiger.

He got out. Don't walk your dogs in Orlando.

Can I ask you something?

Who's more important, your girlfriend or your best friend?

Did my girlfriend send you here?

'Cause you can tell Becca I am where I said I'd be.

But say it nicer.

Leia, we're here to get this thing signed.

Now that's a guy that gets what we're doing here.

Nobody's signing dick

until you unlock your crotch and show me Nate's secret.

You guys are too weird. Next!

[rock riff plays]

Whoa.

So... did Bob and Geppetto come back and actually get some work done?

Uncle Spogiera did come back,

but he was shaking a rosary and spitting on the ground.

[Red chuckles]

I did all this. I'm kind of the handyman around my place.

Well.

That's a solid job

for a guy with hornet venom racing through his veins.

Nothing hurts, but I can only see in black and white now.

This must've been what your childhood was like.

Did you fix up your van too?

'Cause that looks pretty good for a car that drove through a house.

Uh-huh.

So... you took the fall to protect your knuckleheaded friends.

Yeah.

But it was worth it.

[hesitates]

Nikki probably thought it was cool of me.

I made a huge mistake breaking up with her,

and I really want her back.

He did it for a girl.

Of course, a lot of guys have done a lot worse.

-[chuckles lightly] -Why do you think I flew to Paris?

It sure as hell wasn't to see Paris.

Oh. Hey, Nik.

Wish I could talk, but I'm too busy doing all this hard labor.

[chuckles]

Okay. I can't talk. This is my chance to escape.

Mrs. Forman showed me a picture of a woman that looked like her grandma.

Then went to go find a picture of her grandma to prove it.

I'm leaving now.

[gasps]

There you are.

Same mustache. It's uncanny.

[rock music playing]

Hey. Party Animal, can you please sign this for my friend?

Party's over, kids. I gotta head to Wichita

for a grand opening of a Cracker Barrel.

I'm not making an appearance.

It's just... I've never seen a brand-new one before.

I'm gonna take a leak and hit the road.

This sucks. I was just trying to be a good friend,

and you put me in a really tough spot.

Why? Because I want us to be honest with each other?

Fine. If we're being so honest, tell me one of Gwen's secrets.

Okay.

She was born with a tail.

And before she could walk,

she'd use it to push herself around the kitchen.

Okay. As much as I want that to be true, it's not.

So tell me a real one.

Is there any way out of this where I'm not wrong?

That's what I thought, so I'm right about that.

Crap. This is all my fault, and now we don't have anything to give to Nate.

Where have you been?

You're not gonna believe this,

but I made out with that guy in the gold makeup.

Yeah, you did.

Did you get the autograph?

Nope. We're going home with nothing.

Not nothing.

Something great happened to me, and that's all I care about.

Let's get out of here.

Where'd Leia go?

[rock riff plays]

-Hello there. -What the hell?

-You're not supposed to be in here. -Trust me, I don't wanna be.

But I really need you right now.

You the one sending me those creepy letters?

I don't know what to do with your mom's ashes.

And we are not getting married.

No, I just really need you to sign this.

No. It sets an uncomfortable precedent.

Look... if you don't sign this,

I'll tell Becca I saw you going into the Best Western

with a Cracker Barrel waitress.

She'd believe that.

I will ruin you.

You didn't cross the T.

Look, little lady, Donny Electric is in that stall.

You should get outta here.

[rock riff plays]

Well, there you are.

[laughs]

Now, where were we?

That's a joke. Paris!

Hey, Mrs. Forman. How'd you find me?

She's just lucky.

Respect!

I wish I could stay, but I've gotta go read Scripture to blind dogs.

Go save those furry little souls.

Blind dogs?

I read to dogs.

Okay, have you ever seen a baguette?

How about a bag of baguettes?

[fake squeal] Super cool!

Now, this one's a hoot. This is a bidet.

I tricked Red into trying it, and boy, did he get his feathers ruffled.

[rock music playing]

And the new alien overlords appreciate me for my great foot rubs,

and they offer to spare me and my loved ones.

So then I turn to her, and I say,

"Loved ones? I guess that includes you, girl."

Huh?

So, that's how I'd win back Nikki if there was an alien invasion.

[chuckles]

If the president heard you talk,

he'd do something about all the lead in the water.

I just... I really miss her.

Like, when I was standing next to her, I...

felt like I had something to be proud of. And now it feels like I got nothing.

I felt that same way about a girl.

Now, I can't even remember her name.

Mary Beth Watson.

Chicks. They rule.

I'm gonna tell Nikki I still love her the next chance I get.

It's gonna work, too, so I won't have to marry my second choice, like you.

No... no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, that's not what I said.

Look... you're a nice kid.

You're good with your hands.

Don't put yourself down so much.

Yeah, it's kind of a bad habit.

Listen, if you really want her back,

don't go jumping in her lap like a little doggie.

Show some confidence. Give it some time.

She sees that... maybe things are gonna work out for you.

-I feel like I need to hug you. -No, don't.

-Come here. -No.

[grunts]

Just imagine I'm Mary Beth and melt into it.

-Are we in the right house? -I finally am.

-All right, that's enough. -Okay.

-Nate, we brought you something. -Party Animal signed this just for you.

He touched this with his own hands?

Well...

Sure.

[rock music plays]

Here I am, eating a croissant next to the Eiffel Tower.

He gets to start with the Eiffel Tower?

I had to watch Forrest Gump on the plane one photo at a time.

[in Italian] You're stunning...

like my Maria.

[in English] Ooh! Here's Red in front of the Arc de Triomphe.

[in Italian] No! I don't like to look at the man.

[in English] Exactly.

Oh!

And here I am finishing the croissant at the flower stand.

[in Italian] I look old...

but the important parts are still young.

[in English] Well, I don't know what you're saying,

but I know I agree with you.

[closing theme music playing]