Original subtitles

And action.

Victorious.

Cheese Mongers of Earth shall rue the day

they provoked the mighty Blorg.

Zarginda, my love, what say you of your studly betrothed?

I say you're more God than Gloptonite.

Cut, cut, cut!

My God, what is the problem?

The problem is the blue screen combined with the blue on your faces

makes your heads disappear.

- You couldn't see my head? - No.

- My face? - Is your face a part of your head?

- Oh, so fix it! - Fix it?

Wow! I hadn't thought of that. Now, that is a brilliant idea.

No shit, fix it.

Who crapped in his Cap'n Crunch?

He and Kate broke up. Sensitive subject.

Stargrove, we need to shoot this at the actual Dominguez Rocks.

Dominguez Rocks is in Los Angeles. Not gonna happen.

Unless you convince Messner to fund a field trip.

Which you can't.

And he won't.

Hey, dude. I left my baggage at the door.

- Do the same. You need to chill. - I need to chill?

Okay, I'll chill. I'll let you look like an ass and in a completely shitty movie!

In case you forgot, you're the director. All right?

- Stop wasting my time and figure it out! - Okay!

My face needs to go on the screen.

So, what do we do?

What about green makeup?

What did you say?

Green makeup against the blue screen. That would work.

Would it?

Yeah, yeah, of course. That would work?

Hmm.

What about all the other scenes we already shot, huh?

Where the aliens have blue faces?

Are they aliens, or are they freakin' mood rings?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I see what you mean.

You know what, everybody?

That's a wrap.

I'll figure this whole thing out on my own, like I do everything else.

And you guys just enjoy what's left of this stupid Saturday.

What?

I just want you to know, this is all your fault.

Something's wrong. Have you ever seen him rage like that?

I guess not.

Guess not? If you said Candyman in the mirror five times, Luke would show up.

Yeah, with a hook hand.

- Yeah, of course with a hook hand. - Tyler. McQuaid.

Dudes.

You guys wouldn't happen to know where I could score some drugs.

- Drugs? - Yeah, drugs.

Because if I don't get high right now, I'm going to lose my shit.

If you're asking us, you must already be high.

I told you, they're dweebs. Let's go.

Wait.

I might have an idea.

♪ You say ♪

♪ We've got nothing in common ♪

♪ No common ground to start from ♪

♪ And we are falling apart ♪

♪ You'll say ♪

♪ The world has come between us ♪

♪ Still I know you just don't care ♪

♪ And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?" ♪

♪ She said, "I think I remember the film ♪

♪ And as I recall I think we both kinda liked it" ♪

♪ And I said "Well, that's the one thing we've got" ♪

♪ I see you, the only one who knew me ♪

♪ I guess I was wrong ♪

♪ So what now? ♪

♪ It's plain to see we're over ♪

♪ When so much is left undone ♪

♪ And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?" ♪

♪ She said, "I think I remember the film ♪

♪ And as I recall I think we both kinda liked it" ♪

♪ And I said "Well, that's the one thing we've got" ♪

Any minute now.

Takes a second.

- What are you, a hacker or something? - It's just the net, no big deal.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it. Oh. And there.

"How to get high with these common household items"?

- Yep. - God, I love the Net.

- Cough medicine? - Mnh-mnh.

- Uh, rubber cement? - You could die from that.

Um... aerosol spray.

You could die from that.

Uh, nutmeg.

Nutmeg? That shit you put in eggnog?

"Users who in..." McQuaid.

"Users who ingest an approximate dose of at least 37 tablespoons,

may experience hallucinogenic effects."

Oh!

Nutmeg. Nutmeg...

Nutmeg! Nutmeg! Nutmeg!

Kate!

- God, sweetie, what happened? - Dad, I'm okay. I'm sorry.

You screamed. You're bleeding. What happened?

I tried to pierce my nose.

Excuse me?

My nose. I tried to pierce it.

Why?

To put a jewel in it.

- A jewel? - A jewel. A ring. A stud. Whatever.

- Let me look at it. - Dad.

Let me look.

Is it horrible?

What did you pierce it with?

A safety pin.

A safety pin? That could get infected, Kate.

Dad, I held it over a flame first. I'm not a moron.

I'm getting the first aid kit.

Where's JTT?

Umm...

W-Why are... Why are we in the woods?

God, you're such an amateur, man.

What is nutmeg, anyway?

No one knows.

Who wants to go first?

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm not getting involved.

Uh, why not?

I'll be your tether to reality.

Yeah, every journey needs a Sherpa.

Your loss.

Oh...

Let's get enlightened.

♪ You say that we got nothing in common ♪

♪ But I say what about ♪

What's going on with you?

Me? I'm not the one who just mutilated myself for fun.

- You seem happy. - I'm always happy.

You seem happy for real.

Well...

that's because I am.

Cool. Why?

Because...

I met someone.

- Like a girl someone? - Yeah.

Who is she?

Oh, no. No, that I cannot tell you.

What? Why not?

I-I just, I can't.

Is she married?

- What? No, of course not. - Do I know her?

Is she a teacher?

Uh, I... sweetie, I can't. I'm sorry, I can't.

Uh...

Out of respect for her,

she would prefer that we not talk about it with anyone, so...

I'll tell you as soon as she gives me the okay.

Does she like you back?

Yeah, I think she does.

I don't get it, though.

I mean, if you like each other, why won't she let you talk about it?

Isn't that kinda weird?

No... I...

it's complex, sweetie.

You know, most adult relationships are.

All done.

I have to wear this?

- Dad! - Just until it scabs.

I mean, it shouldn't take too long at all.

Or maybe...

we could try putting a jewel in it, now.

- Really? - I guess. I mean, the damage is done.

You already made the hole.

Oh!

Does anyone feel anything?

As I suspected.

You've all been boned by the World Wide Web.

No, no way. Why would someone put that on the net if it wasn't true?

It has to work.

It's going to work.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, totally.

Like, we should just eat more.

Yeah, genius idea.

The end of the night, I'm packing up my stuff,

and this lard ass, he comes over and says, "You didn't film the bouquet toss."

Well, there it is.

You happy?

It's great.

Think Luke's gonna like it?

You guys still having a good time?

I guess.

- You hungry? - I'm good.

You know, Kate, if you ever want to just hang out,

or if you need anything, I'm always here, sweetie.

Thanks, Dad.

Epic.

Can you feel it?

Oh, the good gracious glory of an ever-expanding mind.

Oh, my God.

I don't feel squat.

Maybe next time you should try cinnamon.

Cumin.

Oregano.

Paprika.

Garlic powder.

Grodie.

You know what I like?

Monologues.

Monologues are to an actor what...

...cheesecake is to a fat man.

They are delicious.

They are nutritious.

They are absolutely necessary.

You know what?

We need to give Blorg more monologues.

H-How many more?

Seven.

Seven monologues. Distinct monologues.

Uh, perhaps one about his childhood

and how his family never understood him and still doesn't.

Maybe another about his first love.

And maybe one...

about the death of his father.

Monologues, when spoken by a great actor, is like,

hmm, it's like. It's like. It's like...

Oh. Yeah, cheesecake to a fat guy.

Oh, yes! Yes, exactly. You get it. Okay, you get it.

You're a great actor, Oliver.

And the world needs to see your greatness.

The world needs to see...

Needs to see my greatness.

Yes!

Okay. All right.

You know me so well.

It's like you're in my head.

Like a tick or a wing.

Follow me, my loyal aide-de-camp.

Let's go.

- You still feel nothing? - Zippo.

But as long as Oliver is having fun.

His fun is more important than my fun.

You have to be selfless when you're in a mature relationship like ours.

Right.

I mean, you could almost say that his fun is my fun.

Like, we're one, you know?

It's like we're connected.

Okay.

You sure that nutmeg isn't working yet?

How come you never smile?

I-I smile.

I smile often.

I'm a degenerate smiler of smiles. Um...

Okay, wait, that is not... no, that is not a smile.

That is a creep face.

Alas, I suffer from creep face.

You're such a weird freshman, McQuaid.

But it's true. All the McQuaid men have creep face dating back hundreds of years

to when the Cossacks were chasing us.

You don't laugh either.

Laughter's not the only way to show that something is funny.

- Is that a fact? - Sure.

Do something funny. I'll react without laughter.

Okay.

You can't just do something funny.

Hello. Pinecone and Company.

Mr. McQuaid.

He's right here.

Please hold.

It's for you.

Was that funny?

Guys?

Um, w-we got a problem.

Oliver, what the hell?

The world can see me from up here.

And see my greatness.

You hear that, Boring?

I don't need you.

All right, come down.

I am cheesecake to a fat man.

What'd he say?

It's a long story.

You really should come down. Never mix drugs with heights.

Yeah, perhaps you are right.

I can be lofty without being aloft.

Just be careful!

I am the Nutmeg King.

I can do anything.

- Oliver, come down! - Okay.

I can't...

I can't get down.

Okay, I can't get down.

Oh, God, I can't get down.

Oh, God.

I want my mom!

What are you guys laughing at? Stop laughing.

Hello. Squirrel Police?

I have an emergency.

We can pay you in nuts.

I said stop laughing at me.

It's not funny.

It's working.

Oh, yes.

It worked.

It worked.

♪ Gloptonites rejoice ♪

♪ Gloptonites rejoice ♪

♪ Gloptonites rejoice ♪

Damn it!

Hey, Dad.

Hmm?

I am kinda hungry, actually.

Great, do you want a sandwich?

Make you a sandwich.

Hey, have you ever heard of Dominguez Rocks?

I re-watched Ghostbusters. Here's what I figured out.

Aside from the ghosts, there's really just one other bad guy.

The EPA guy.

And I'm thinking, "How is this guy the bad guy?"

This guy is doing his job.

This guy is protecting the environment.

While the Ghostbusters run around and blow up ballrooms.

I mean, I bet I could write a whole movie where the EPA guy, he's the good guy.

I mean, heck, from his perspective, he is the good guy.

That's interesting.

We're all the heroes of our own story.

Without even realizing,

we're probably the bad guy in someone else's.

Sorry about the mess.

I'm trying to get this green screen to key

and on top of everything, the board is broken.

It's just...

friggin' typical.

Cool nose piercing, by the way.

Oh, thanks.

Cool blue face.

Oh.

Thanks.

I wanted to tell you something. I know you probably hate me.

I don't hate you.

I'm sorry if I was mean to you. That was messed up.

Thanks.

I'm sorry, too.

Thanks.

Um, I have awesome news.

My dad is going to give A/V club the funds for a trip to Dominguez Rocks.

We're good to go.

- Wait, really? - Yeah.

I mean, our parents will have to sign permission slips.

And we have to get Stargrove to drive as chaperone.

But, yeah.

Why did you do that for me?

Because you're my friend.

Hello, Pinecone and Company, this is Mr. McQuaid.

Oh, hey, Emaline.

Yeah, I... I like you, too.