Original subtitles

Are you sure this doesn't do anything for you?

Oh, my God, I am so turned on.

I don't know. There's got to be something in here.

The human ear.

This is stupid.

This is necessary. You said you were a lesbian.

Shh!

Jesus, keep it down. What are you trying to do, ruin me?

Of course I'm not. There's nobody even here, by the way.

Is... no. I'm trying to help you figure this out.

When I said I was...

I think I might be a...

hmm-hmm-hmm.

Okay.

And why do think that?

I don't know. It's complicated.

And honestly, no offense, but I don't see how you could possibly help me with this.

Sure, I could.

Do you date girls?

No, I don't date anyone.

You're the first person I've even kissed.

Cool.

- So, am I a girl? - This is really stupid.

No, it isn't.

Mmms kiss other mmm-hmm-hmms. And since I am not a mmm-hmm-hmm...

What is your point?

Did you hate it...

when we kissed?

No, I didn't hate it.

It was nice.

Mm.

See? We're making progress already.

Let's check out this one.

Human sexuality, the answers.

Oh, there's a test in here.

All right, you have to promise to be totally honest, or it won't work.

Okay.

"Question one: Have you fantasized about sexual conduct

with a member of the same sex?"

Yes.

"Question two: Have you fantasized about sexual conduct

with a member of the opposite sex?"

Don't think, just answer.

I mean, I guess so.

Subject responds in the affirmative. Okay.

"Question three: Would you be happy dying without having experimented sexually

- with both men"... - Wait, dying? Of what?

I don't know. Doesn't say. We can skip that one.

"Question four: Are you aroused by pornography

featuring members of the same sex?"

How should I know? I've never watched a porno.

Really? Not even Cinemax?

We don't have cable.

Wow, that sucks.

"Question five: True or false.

The gender composition of any orgy

is the most important factor in my decision to participate."

- I wouldn't participate. - True or false.

False?

Scoring guide, let's see.

What's it say?

Well, you are "homosexual with heterosexual tendencies."

"Heterosexual tendencies."

That's me.

I'm your heterosexual tendency.

No. That can't be right. I didn't even answer two of the questions.

See for yourself.

Either way, you're probably better off with me.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you don't want people thinking you're a mmm-hmm-hmm..

If you're with me, they won't.

It's not like I'm gonna fall in love with you or anything.

Even if I did, I'd give you a signal.

What, like a code word?

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, uh...

...banana slug.

Banana slug?

If I find myself falling in love with you,

I'll yell "banana slug," and you can head for the hills.

But don't worry, everything's gonna work out great.

The deadline for entry into this year's Science Fair is on Thursday.

Personally, I intend to prove

that the Big Bang is much more than just a theory.

Reminder: auditions for Boring High School's first ever movie,

a sci-fi love story directed by Luke O'Neil,

will be held today after school in the A/V room.

Be sure to bring a monologue and break a leg, Earthlings.

- Hey, Jessica Betts. - What?

Are you auditioning for the movie?

- Yes. - Then so shall I.

- You really don't have to carry my bag. - No, really it's fine. I like it.

Yoko.

Oh, let me get that.

Luke, you really don't have...

This is silly. It's a boyfriend's duty.

- Can I walk you to class? - It's across the hall.

Oh, nice. Convenient.

Luke, you don't have to do this, you know.

No, but I want to.

I... Don't you?

Hey, you two.

- How's the cutest couple at Boring High? - Dad.

- Great, thanks for asking. - Hey, I was just thinking...

- We should probably get to class. - Well, this is important, actually.

I was thinking, I'd like to get to know Kate's first boyfriend a little better.

Luke, how about dinner Friday night?

I'd love to.

- That'd be great. My mom's out of town. - I know.

I mean, I don't know. How would I know that?

So Friday it is. Shall we say seven?

Let's. Three, two, one...

Seven!

Yeah.

♪ Nah, na na na nah ♪

♪ Na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah ♪

♪ Na na na nah ♪

♪ Nah, na na na nah ♪

♪ Na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah ♪

♪ Nah, na na na nah ♪

All right, I think we're ready.

Let's bring them in, McQuaid.

Oh.

♪ Murderer, still love you like that ♪

Um, what are you doing?

- I don't audition. - Neither does Emaline.

How am I supposed to cast you if you don't audition?

- Which part has the most lines? - Blorg and Zarginda.

Great, bring 'em in, McQuaid.

♪ Still love you like that, murderer ♪

Take me back up the hill to my grave.

Goodbye, world!

You want the truth?

You can't handle the truth!

Ezekiel 25:17...

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides

by the inequities of the selfish.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.

♪ Nah, na na na nah ♪

♪ Na na na nah, na na nah, na na nah ♪

Many years from now, would you, Bill, be willing to trade

all the days from this day to that for one chance?

One chance.

And I will strike down upon thee...

Goodbye, Grover's Corners and Mama and Papa.

Did I order the code red?

With great vengeance and furious anger.

You're goddamn right I did!

I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.

And you will know my name is the Lord!

Do any human beings truly realize life while they live it?

They may take our lives.

- They will never take our freedom! - Next.

All right, Tyler Bowen in the house! What you got for us, man?

Well, well, I don't have a scene, exactly.

Um, but I memorized a commercial.

I'm not the best reader, as you know.

Sorry, Tyler, it's just we kinda need to see a scene.

Says who?

Go on, Ace, wow us.

Do you suffer from eczema, psoriasis or just itchy-flaky skin?

Then stop what you're doing and listen to this!

Make your scaly epidermis a thing of the past

with the new FDA-approved Immaculate-Max skin cream.

Say goodbye to long sleeves and hello, sunshine.

In all my years as a skin care specialist,

I've never been impressed by a product this cheap.

It's a miracle cream.

It's an honest-to-God miracle cream.

Hello, you've reached Sherry...

...and Luke.

We're not available at the moment. Leave a message and we'll call you back.

- Right? - Right. If we feel like it.

Which we will. Unless you're a weirdo.

Have a great day!

Hello, you've reached Sherry...

...and Luke.

We're not available at the moment. Leave a message and we'll call you back.

I'm Alien Number Two.

I'm Alien Number Two.

Excuse me, sorry, my turn.

- What the hell's a "Zarginda"? - Zarginda... "ginda."

- It's a good part. The female lead. - Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

What's she wear?

Kate my girlfriend is actually in charge of the costumes.

Miss baggy jeans and T-shirt?

No, no, I don't think so.

Your boyfriend says you're doing costumes for the movie,

and honestly, I don't know how I feel about that.

I am?

I mean, yeah, I am.

Yep, um, we haven't really discussed the details yet.

I'm not letting you dress me like a dork, okay?

Um, yeah, o-okay. Got it.

What are you doing right now?

Maybe the aliens can go to a disco night, and I wear this.

We should probably wait to see what the script says.

I'm trying it on.

So, now that you have a boyfriend,

I'm assuming a new wardrobe is on the agenda?

Why?

Think of it this way, last week you were just Principal Messner's kid.

Completely undateable.

Now that you're with Luke, I bet all the guys are like,

"Maybe I could hit that.

Maybe I should."

Are you coming in?

Um, so, how should I dress, then?

Your appearance tells the world who you are and what you want.

Speaking for myself, the goal is boners.

Gross.

If I can make a guy hard just by looking at me, I win.

That's power.

Well, maybe I don't need guys getting boners about me just to be happy.

Ugh, I hate having big boobs. Everything just falls off of me.

Here, try it on. You have no tits, it'll look great on you.

Gee, thanks.

No, I meant that as a compliment.

You're so skinny and tall. I hate it.

Come on.

Here.

Hmm.

Something's missing.

I got it.

See? You look hot.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

I'd bone ya.

Either way, people are weird.

The key is finding the weird that goes with your weird.

The cheese for your cherry.

Like when I took Sherry to Blazing Saddles.

Now that movie is not for everybody. When Mongo punched the horse,

Sherry baby laughed so hard, soda came out of her nose onto the floor.

I lost four bucks worth of concessions.

Some people, they might say that's a bad date,

but for me...

it doesn't get any better.

What do I call you, huh?

Principal Messner.

Mr. Messner.

Ken Messner. Principal Messner. Mr. Messner. Dad.

- Hey, Mr. Messner. - Luke. Come on in, pal.

Thank you. I'm still trying to decide

if I want to go to film school in New York or Los Angeles.

That might be dictated by wherever Kate decides to go.

It'd be nice if we were in the same area,

but, hey, if anybody's gonna survive a long distance relationship,

I'd put my money on me and Kate, 'cause she's the cheese for my cherry.

I'm sorry, the what?

Wow.

- What? - What a lovely dress.

You look amazing.

Okay, Dad, you can stop staring now.

- Sorry. - Uh, yeah.

- All right. Thank you. - I don't know what I was doing.

I wasn't staring.

I hope you don't mind.

I'm not much of a chef, as Kate will tell you.

No, it's no problem. I love Chinese food.

So, Luke.

- How's your mom? - Good.

She's coming back from Frankfurt or something like that tomorrow.

- Frankfurt. - Yeah.

Good. Gut.

You know, s-speaking of your mom,

when I met her, I got the impression you two were very close.

Yeah. We kinda have to be. It's like a team.

Well, we understand that. Right, sweetie?

Sorry. The dress, it's itchy.

So, is there ever a third member of this team?

Someone, anyone?

- Nah. - Nah?

What's "nah"? Naugahyde?

I'm just joking.

So, no man in her life at all?

Dad, you're being weird.

- No, I'm not. - No, it's okay.

Guys love my mom.

- They do? - Yeah.

- What kind of guys? - Dad.

Pass the moo shu.

Okay.

I'd like to make a toast.

To my girlfriend Kate and her generous father Mr. Messner.

Here's to what I hope is many more Chinese takeout dinners.

Cheers.

You know what, Kate?

I think your guy's pretty cool.

I'm about to embarrass you.

After Kate quit band, there was a dark period.

You know, but I think a little boy-girl compassion

and companionship is a very good thing for you at this stage of your lives.

As human beings, we crave companionship,

and uh...

You were in band?

- Briefly. - She's being modest.

- Can you play something? - No.

Please?

- What don't you understand about no? - Come on, pretty please.

The piano's probably out of tune. It won't sound good.

- I don't mind. - Why don't you?

I mean, it's just us.

Just us.

You guys are annoying, but one song and then never again.

Okay.

You gonna play your mom's song?

Is that okay?

And no laughing.

♪ She packed my bags last night Pre-flight ♪

♪ Zero hour ♪

♪ Nine a.m. ♪

♪ And I'm gonna be high ♪

♪ As a kite by then ♪

♪ I miss the Earth so much ♪

♪ I miss my wife ♪

♪ It's lonely out in space ♪

♪ On such a timeless flight ♪

♪ And I think it's gonna be A long, long time ♪

Hello. You've reached Sherry and Luke.

We're not available, leave a message and we'll call right...

Hello.

Hello?

Hi. Hello.

I didn't think... I thought you were in Frankfurt.

Sorry, but, who is this?

It's Ken. I'm sorry, I didn't think you'd be home.

Ken! Hey!

I am, I'm home.

I got an early flight.

Great.

Luke's over having dinner in case you were worried.

Oh, great.

Um...

I'm sorry, if Luke's over there and you thought I wasn't home,

why are you calling?

You know, I had the best time with you the other night.

That was really fun.

And, uh, I sh... I should have said this then.

I like you, Sherry.

And I'd really like to see you again.

Very soon.

When were you thinking?

♪ Oh, no, no, no ♪

♪ I'm a Rocket Man ♪

♪ Rocket Man Burning out his fuse up here alone ♪

♪ And I think it's gonna be A long, long time ♪

♪ And I think it's gonna be A long, long time ♪

♪ And I think it's gonna be A long, long time ♪

Banana slug.