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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:10,000 [MUSIC] 2 00:00:10,001 --> 00:00:20,000 [MUSIC] 3 00:00:20,001 --> 00:00:30,000 [MUSIC]. 4 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:55,000 [MUSIC]. 5 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:19,000 [MUSIC] 6 00:01:19,001 --> 00:01:22,000 >> Walter, Walter, you're not listening to me. 7 00:01:22,001 --> 00:01:24,000 No, no, we need the book. 8 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:28,000 The book you're supposed to have been writing. 9 00:01:28,001 --> 00:01:31,000 You know, the one about vigilante hookers, our big Christmas book. 10 00:01:31,001 --> 00:01:33,000 Now, where the hell is it, Walter? 11 00:01:33,001 --> 00:01:35,000 What? 12 00:01:35,001 --> 00:01:36,000 What? 13 00:01:36,001 --> 00:01:38,000 You found what? 14 00:01:38,001 --> 00:01:42,000 In the beginning was the word. 15 00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:43,989 I really don't think Jesus is going to 16 00:01:44,001 --> 00:01:46,000 mind if you write one more lousy book. 17 00:01:46,001 --> 00:01:49,000 Yeah, yeah, well bless you two. 18 00:01:49,001 --> 00:01:50,000 Toby. 19 00:01:50,001 --> 00:01:51,000 Walter's gone insane. 20 00:01:51,001 --> 00:01:52,000 Here, call Dibby's office right now. 21 00:01:52,001 --> 00:01:53,000 Cancel my ten o'clock with him. 22 00:01:53,001 --> 00:01:54,000 Come on. 23 00:01:54,001 --> 00:01:55,000 The word "please" is difficult for you, isn't it? 24 00:01:55,001 --> 00:01:57,000 Is it something that happened as a child? 25 00:01:57,001 --> 00:01:58,000 Toby. 26 00:01:58,001 --> 00:01:59,000 It's too late. 27 00:01:59,001 --> 00:02:01,000 He's on his way down. 28 00:02:01,001 --> 00:02:02,000 Shit. 29 00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:04,000 Hey, this is your lucky day. 30 00:02:04,001 --> 00:02:08,000 It just so happens that I am writing a book. 31 00:02:08,001 --> 00:02:13,000 Lint, the skin on pudding, gum diseased, Jane Seymour. 32 00:02:13,001 --> 00:02:15,000 What is this? 33 00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:20,000 "7,000 Things I Hate" by Toby Paddleby. 34 00:02:20,001 --> 00:02:22,000 Hell of a stocking stuffer, huh? 35 00:02:22,001 --> 00:02:25,000 This woman wouldn't know a major emotion if she tripped over it. 36 00:02:25,001 --> 00:02:26,957 I don't know that it quite serves the needs of the 37 00:02:26,969 --> 00:02:28,976 holiday market, but that's a very interesting idea. 38 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:31,000 And I think you should keep working on that. 39 00:02:31,001 --> 00:02:32,000 You bet. 40 00:02:32,001 --> 00:02:33,000 Thanks. 41 00:02:33,001 --> 00:02:35,000 You've been very condescending. 42 00:02:35,001 --> 00:02:38,000 All right, Dibby. 43 00:02:38,001 --> 00:02:40,000 It's... consider this. 44 00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:42,000 Everybody comes out with a big Christmas book, right? 45 00:02:42,001 --> 00:02:44,000 I mean, the market's flooded. 46 00:02:44,001 --> 00:02:48,000 So I say... Now stick with me here, because this is kind of radical. 47 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:53,000 I say we skip Christmas all together and go straight to Easter. 48 00:02:53,001 --> 00:02:57,000 Now, granted Easter's not traditionally a gift-giving holiday. 49 00:02:57,001 --> 00:02:59,000 You don't have a book, do you, Marty? 50 00:02:59,001 --> 00:03:01,000 Not at the moment, no. 51 00:03:01,001 --> 00:03:03,000 But... good. Good? 52 00:03:03,001 --> 00:03:05,000 Yeah. A little idea of my own. 53 00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:08,000 I was hoping you'd be free to bring it to Blossom. 54 00:03:08,001 --> 00:03:10,000 You bet. Absolutely. 55 00:03:10,001 --> 00:03:11,000 Shoot. 56 00:03:11,001 --> 00:03:15,000 I've always felt that to have a really big holiday bestseller, you've got to 57 00:03:15,001 --> 00:03:16,000 do something universal. 58 00:03:16,001 --> 00:03:18,000 Something that touches everyone. 59 00:03:18,001 --> 00:03:19,000 Are you following me here? 60 00:03:19,001 --> 00:03:20,000 Universal touches everyone. 61 00:03:20,001 --> 00:03:26,000 Yeah, that's why I want to do a book about... death. 62 00:03:26,001 --> 00:03:27,000 Death? 63 00:03:27,001 --> 00:03:30,000 I think I put that right on top of my Christmas shopping list. 64 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:33,000 Dream with me, Marty. 65 00:03:33,001 --> 00:03:35,000 I'm dreaming. 66 00:03:35,001 --> 00:03:37,000 And we find someone who's dying. 67 00:03:37,001 --> 00:03:39,063 Someone who's got something terminal, like 68 00:03:39,075 --> 00:03:41,000 cancer, Lou Gehrig's disease, whatever. 69 00:03:41,001 --> 00:03:45,000 And we get them to write a memoir of their last days on the planet. 70 00:03:45,001 --> 00:03:49,000 See? Sort of a... countdown to death. 71 00:03:49,001 --> 00:03:53,000 Come on. 72 00:03:53,001 --> 00:03:56,000 Come on. Tell me you're kidding. 73 00:03:56,001 --> 00:03:57,000 Kidding? 74 00:03:57,001 --> 00:03:59,000 Oh, they'll be weeping around the Christmas tree. 75 00:03:59,001 --> 00:04:01,000 Oh, the guy's to be dead by Christmas? 76 00:04:01,001 --> 00:04:03,000 Yeah, ideally, yeah. 77 00:04:03,001 --> 00:04:05,000 Well, there's your title. 78 00:04:05,001 --> 00:04:07,000 I'll be dead by Christmas. 79 00:04:07,001 --> 00:04:09,000 And that's good thinking, Marty. 80 00:04:09,001 --> 00:04:11,000 I knew you'd catch the breeze of this. 81 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:15,844 Ah, see, what would be clever... right... 82 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:20,000 is dying... of... sprained ankle... 83 00:04:20,001 --> 00:04:22,000 Acromegalia cramps. Acromegalia. 84 00:04:22,001 --> 00:04:24,000 AIDS? 85 00:04:24,001 --> 00:04:25,000 No. 86 00:04:25,001 --> 00:04:27,000 No, givey. 87 00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:28,000 Not AIDS. 88 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:30,000 Why not? It's hot. It's now. 89 00:04:30,001 --> 00:04:33,000 It's got sex. It's got drugs. Everyone's getting it. 90 00:04:33,001 --> 00:04:36,000 If I didn't hate you so thoroughly, I'd pity you. 91 00:04:36,001 --> 00:04:38,000 You and all the other Nazis. 92 00:04:38,001 --> 00:04:40,000 Givey. 93 00:04:40,001 --> 00:04:42,000 No, I'm sure you mean well. 94 00:04:42,001 --> 00:04:46,000 No, but this is the sickest fucking thing I've heard in my entire life. 95 00:04:46,001 --> 00:04:48,000 Right. 96 00:04:48,001 --> 00:04:50,000 Very well. 97 00:04:50,001 --> 00:04:51,000 Just get Buddy to do it. 98 00:04:51,001 --> 00:04:53,000 Buddy? I mean, that's even worse. 99 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,000 I mean, Buddy doesn't even do books, you know? 100 00:04:55,001 --> 00:04:57,000 He does sports calendars. I mean, come on. 101 00:04:57,001 --> 00:04:59,000 Well, you see, that's why I came to you first, Marty. 102 00:04:59,001 --> 00:05:02,000 You're the most sensitive man I know. 103 00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,000 Well... You're almost a woman. 104 00:05:04,001 --> 00:05:05,000 Hey. 105 00:05:05,001 --> 00:05:08,000 Right. Now you've convinced me you're the only one for the job. 106 00:05:08,001 --> 00:05:12,000 Unless you've got a better idea for a Christmas book. 107 00:05:12,001 --> 00:05:14,000 Ah. 108 00:05:14,001 --> 00:05:20,000 Ho, ho, ho, ho. 109 00:05:20,001 --> 00:05:23,000 Merry Christmas, little kitties. 110 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:40,000 ( 111 00:05:40,001 --> 00:05:42,000 It's open! 112 00:05:42,001 --> 00:05:44,000 I can't believe you're so disgusting. 113 00:05:44,001 --> 00:05:45,000 Hello? 114 00:05:45,001 --> 00:05:47,000 It's not so bad. 115 00:05:47,001 --> 00:05:49,000 It is so bad, yes. 116 00:05:49,001 --> 00:05:51,000 It's not so bad, no. 117 00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:54,000 No pipes are bad. Get good pipes. 118 00:05:54,001 --> 00:05:56,000 Am I making too much of this? 119 00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:59,000 I mean, how do you feel about inanimate objects screaming in your home? 120 00:05:59,001 --> 00:06:01,000 I imagine I'd find it disturbing, yes. 121 00:06:01,001 --> 00:06:02,000 Thank you. 122 00:06:02,001 --> 00:06:05,000 Still waiting for the pot. I talked to God. 123 00:06:05,001 --> 00:06:07,000 No, no, I've been waiting for eight months. 124 00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,000 I won't give you any more. 125 00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,000 I talked to God. 126 00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:11,000 Get a real plumber. 127 00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:13,000 I get him an exorcist. 128 00:06:13,001 --> 00:06:15,000 God, just fix it. 129 00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:20,000 We're actually very close. 130 00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,000 Peter Brewer? 131 00:06:23,001 --> 00:06:25,000 Unfortunately. 132 00:06:25,001 --> 00:06:27,000 I'm Martin Tupper. 133 00:06:27,001 --> 00:06:28,000 Yeah. 134 00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:32,000 So, you were incredibly vague on the phone. 135 00:06:32,001 --> 00:06:34,000 What's this about? 136 00:06:34,001 --> 00:06:35,000 This. 137 00:06:35,001 --> 00:06:37,000 Well, you were recommended to me by your agent. 138 00:06:37,001 --> 00:06:38,000 Really? 139 00:06:38,001 --> 00:06:40,000 You spoke to Robert? 140 00:06:40,001 --> 00:06:41,000 Yeah. 141 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,000 Huh. 142 00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:45,000 Well, say hello for me next time you talk to him. 143 00:06:45,001 --> 00:06:49,000 Asshole hasn't returned my calls in three months. 144 00:06:49,001 --> 00:06:52,000 [chuckles] 145 00:06:52,001 --> 00:06:54,000 Anyway. 146 00:06:54,001 --> 00:06:59,000 I, uh... I'm a very big fan of your work. 147 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:01,000 My work. 148 00:07:01,001 --> 00:07:04,000 Tell me what of my work you actually liked. 149 00:07:04,001 --> 00:07:08,000 Well, I thought Thunder Ranch was a terrific book. 150 00:07:08,001 --> 00:07:09,000 Oh, yeah. 151 00:07:09,001 --> 00:07:12,000 Uh, I wrote that in a weekend. 152 00:07:12,001 --> 00:07:13,000 At the beach. 153 00:07:13,001 --> 00:07:15,000 I had house guests writing different chapters. 154 00:07:15,001 --> 00:07:17,000 It was sort of a party game. 155 00:07:17,001 --> 00:07:19,000 Yeah, well, you know what I mean. 156 00:07:19,001 --> 00:07:23,000 It wasn't Proust, but... But you thought it was terrific. That's great. 157 00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:26,000 I've got 50 pages of a new one just like it. 158 00:07:26,001 --> 00:07:29,000 And I mean, just like it. 159 00:07:29,001 --> 00:07:33,000 Actually, we were thinking of a different kind of book. 160 00:07:33,001 --> 00:07:34,000 Not a Western? 161 00:07:34,001 --> 00:07:36,000 No, no. 162 00:07:36,001 --> 00:07:38,000 Definitely not a Western. 163 00:07:38,001 --> 00:07:42,000 Come on, say it. 164 00:07:42,001 --> 00:07:44,000 Let's get this thing out of the open. 165 00:07:44,001 --> 00:07:45,000 Say it. 166 00:07:45,001 --> 00:07:46,000 Do you think I could have some water? 167 00:07:46,001 --> 00:07:47,000 Please. 168 00:07:47,001 --> 00:07:48,000 Sure, sure. 169 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:51,000 So how far from Western are we talking here? 170 00:07:51,001 --> 00:07:53,000 I can do Bad Jackie Collins. 171 00:07:53,001 --> 00:07:56,000 Or second-rate Sidney Sheldon. 172 00:07:56,001 --> 00:07:58,000 Well, this would be more nonfiction. 173 00:07:58,001 --> 00:08:01,000 You know, sort of autobiographical. 174 00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:03,000 Mm-hmm. 175 00:08:03,001 --> 00:08:07,000 Well, there's no turning back now. 176 00:08:07,001 --> 00:08:12,000 We're interested in doing a book about... This. 177 00:08:12,001 --> 00:08:14,000 About your situation. 178 00:08:14,001 --> 00:08:15,000 My situation. 179 00:08:15,001 --> 00:08:16,000 What? 180 00:08:16,001 --> 00:08:18,000 That I'm one of six children? 181 00:08:18,001 --> 00:08:20,000 That I play the harmonica? 182 00:08:20,001 --> 00:08:23,000 That I have a screaming toilet? 183 00:08:23,001 --> 00:08:27,000 This would be your medical situation. 184 00:08:27,001 --> 00:08:38,000 My former agent had no right telling you that. 185 00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:40,000 No, no, probably not. 186 00:08:40,001 --> 00:08:44,000 But, um... See, this would be sort of a journal, you know? 187 00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,000 I mean, all your thoughts and your feelings... 188 00:08:46,001 --> 00:08:48,521 And my primary qualification here would 189 00:08:48,533 --> 00:08:51,000 be that my T-cell count was below 200? 190 00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:53,000 No, no, no. 191 00:08:53,001 --> 00:08:55,000 I wouldn't put it that way. Exactly. 192 00:08:55,001 --> 00:09:01,000 Uh, how would you put it? 193 00:09:01,001 --> 00:09:02,000 Exactly. 194 00:09:02,001 --> 00:09:07,000 I think if done well, this book could be very informative. 195 00:09:07,001 --> 00:09:09,000 Sort of a how-to book. 196 00:09:09,001 --> 00:09:11,000 How to make your relatives uncomfortable. 197 00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:13,000 How to watch old friends die. 198 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,000 I'm sorry. 199 00:09:16,001 --> 00:09:21,000 This was a terrible idea, and, uh... I'm sorry for taking up your time. 200 00:09:21,001 --> 00:09:23,000 I'll do the book. 201 00:09:23,001 --> 00:09:27,000 You will? 202 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:31,000 It's expensive being sick. 203 00:09:31,001 --> 00:09:37,000 Oh, and by the way, if you want water next time, you might want to bring 204 00:09:37,001 --> 00:09:38,000 your own glass. 205 00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:42,000 How can you be so ignorant? 206 00:09:42,001 --> 00:09:45,000 Well, it's a little easy. 207 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:54,000 Earwax. Cheese with things in it. 208 00:09:54,001 --> 00:09:57,000 Uruguay. 209 00:09:57,001 --> 00:09:59,000 Uruguay. 210 00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:02,000 How can you hate Uruguay? I mean, you'd have even been to Uruguay. 211 00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:05,000 I don't know. There's just something about it that pisses me off. 212 00:10:05,001 --> 00:10:07,000 So how's your book coming? 213 00:10:07,001 --> 00:10:08,000 Good. Good. 214 00:10:08,001 --> 00:10:10,000 Peter and I are starting this afternoon. 215 00:10:10,001 --> 00:10:15,000 Oh, yeah? And you don't feel like... What's a word worse than vulture? 216 00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:18,000 No. No, I don't feel that way at all. 217 00:10:18,001 --> 00:10:20,000 Peter agreed to it, and let me tell you something. 218 00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:23,000 This book is going to be very powerful because it's going to be done very, 219 00:10:23,001 --> 00:10:25,000 very sensitively. 220 00:10:25,001 --> 00:10:28,000 Marty, got a great idea for your dead guy book. 221 00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:31,000 We give away a condom with every copy. 222 00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:33,000 Very sensitive. 223 00:10:33,001 --> 00:10:35,000 Yeah, I got us a deal on a shipment from Korea. 224 00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:36,989 I don't know if they work or not, but, 225 00:10:37,001 --> 00:10:39,000 hey, we're selling books, not condoms. 226 00:10:39,001 --> 00:10:41,000 The sooner you hang them, the cleaner the world will be. 227 00:10:41,001 --> 00:10:44,000 Why don't we wait till there's actually a book before we decide how we're 228 00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:45,000 going to, you know, promote it? 229 00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:47,000 Give it some thought, though, won't you? 230 00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:48,449 Yeah, the last thing I need is to get 231 00:10:48,461 --> 00:10:50,000 stuck with a boatload of leaky rubbers. 232 00:10:50,001 --> 00:10:54,000 Hi. Martin? Peter? Hi. I'm Peter Brewer. 233 00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,000 Hi. Pleased to meet you. Toby Petalby. 234 00:10:56,001 --> 00:11:00,000 My assistant. And this is our publisher. Give me a fist, Peter. Hi. 235 00:11:00,001 --> 00:11:04,000 We are so excited about your book. 236 00:11:04,001 --> 00:11:06,000 Are we? 237 00:11:06,001 --> 00:11:08,000 Uh... 238 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,000 I'm glad we could all meet like this. 239 00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:14,000 Peter, we're right in here. 240 00:11:14,001 --> 00:11:17,000 Marty, Marty. 241 00:11:17,001 --> 00:11:20,000 He seems like a nice fella. 242 00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:23,000 He looks a bit robust, doesn't he? 243 00:11:23,001 --> 00:11:25,000 Are you sure he's sick? 244 00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:27,000 I'm sure. 245 00:11:27,001 --> 00:11:30,000 That's otherwise the law for beyond us, wouldn't it? 246 00:11:30,001 --> 00:11:32,000 Yes, sir. 247 00:11:32,001 --> 00:11:34,000 I've got work to do. 248 00:11:34,001 --> 00:11:36,000 Okay. 249 00:11:36,001 --> 00:11:40,000 Okay. 250 00:11:40,001 --> 00:11:46,000 Okay. I thought we could start by talking about a prologue, right? 251 00:11:46,001 --> 00:11:54,000 Where you discussed how you got the... You know, how you contracted the... 252 00:11:54,001 --> 00:11:56,000 The thing I contracted. 253 00:11:56,001 --> 00:11:58,000 Right. Yeah, right. 254 00:11:58,001 --> 00:12:03,000 Well, I believe I contracted the thing from a Haitian hemophiliac dentist 255 00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:07,000 who got a bad blood transfusion from an IV drug user. 256 00:12:07,001 --> 00:12:09,000 All right. 257 00:12:09,001 --> 00:12:11,000 Or maybe I just fucked some guy who had it. 258 00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:12,000 Ah! 259 00:12:12,001 --> 00:12:15,000 But that's just a maybe. I mean, if you'd rather, we can go with the Haitian 260 00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,000 dentist thing. 261 00:12:16,001 --> 00:12:20,000 Okay. Uh... Look. 262 00:12:20,001 --> 00:12:25,000 Why don't we just hold off on a prologue? 263 00:12:25,001 --> 00:12:30,000 And, uh... Would you feel more comfortable if we did this over a drink? 264 00:12:30,001 --> 00:12:32,000 Let's go. 265 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,000 [♪♪♪] 266 00:12:35,001 --> 00:12:44,000 Oh, yeah? I feel much more comfortable now. Thank you. 267 00:12:44,001 --> 00:12:46,000 You'll get yours too. 268 00:12:46,001 --> 00:12:49,000 Tonight, we return to the gay nineties. 269 00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:50,000 Hey, Howard. 270 00:12:50,001 --> 00:12:51,000 Peter. 271 00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:53,000 I'll have a club soda. 272 00:12:53,001 --> 00:12:54,000 Just a beer. 273 00:12:54,001 --> 00:12:56,000 And we're gonna need another bowl of peanuts. 274 00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:59,000 I don't think my friend will eat from mine. 275 00:12:59,001 --> 00:13:00,000 That's fine. 276 00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:01,000 You stopped. 277 00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:03,013 Why don't you give me a break? Why do you 278 00:13:03,025 --> 00:13:05,000 have to make everything so goddamn hard? 279 00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:06,000 You came to me. 280 00:13:06,001 --> 00:13:09,000 You wanted to know about my life. Well, welcome to my life. 281 00:13:09,001 --> 00:13:11,000 And this is the fun part. 282 00:13:11,001 --> 00:13:15,000 Later on, we'll get to the night sweats and the vomiting and the occasional 283 00:13:15,001 --> 00:13:15,000 incontinence. 284 00:13:15,001 --> 00:13:17,000 I can't talk to you. 285 00:13:17,001 --> 00:13:18,000 This is hard for you. 286 00:13:18,001 --> 00:13:22,000 You asked me to write my own fucking obituary and this is hard for you? 287 00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:24,000 Then don't do the book. 288 00:13:24,001 --> 00:13:26,000 I wanna do the book. I have to do the book. 289 00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:28,000 Yeah, so? So? What's your fucking problem? 290 00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:30,000 What if I can't do it? 291 00:13:30,001 --> 00:13:32,000 This isn't Thunder Ranch or Hoofs of Fury. 292 00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:34,000 This is important. 293 00:13:34,001 --> 00:13:37,000 And if I fuck up, I don't get another chance. 294 00:13:37,001 --> 00:13:44,000 Well, then, you know, don't fuck up. 295 00:13:44,001 --> 00:13:46,000 That's it? 296 00:13:46,001 --> 00:13:49,000 That's your sage editorial advice? Don't fuck up. 297 00:13:49,001 --> 00:13:53,000 It's your book. 298 00:13:53,001 --> 00:13:56,000 I'll do whatever I can to help you. 299 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,000 We're doomed. 300 00:13:59,001 --> 00:14:01,000 We're doomed. 301 00:14:01,001 --> 00:14:03,000 You should pull. 302 00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:05,000 Not since I was eight. Now. Good. 303 00:14:05,001 --> 00:14:07,000 A dollar a ball. 304 00:14:07,001 --> 00:14:12,000 The least you can do is give it a try. 305 00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:14,000 All right. 306 00:14:14,001 --> 00:14:23,000 Martin! You got it, though! 307 00:14:23,001 --> 00:14:27,000 I'm up to 4,356 things and I'm totally blocked. 308 00:14:27,001 --> 00:14:29,000 I can't think of anything. Cut as cheese. 309 00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:32,000 I don't like it, but I don't hate it. 310 00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:35,000 Hello, Terby. My little fire plug. 311 00:14:35,001 --> 00:14:37,000 I'm back in business. 312 00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:40,000 Gibby, Gibby. Did you read Peter's pages? 313 00:14:40,001 --> 00:14:41,000 Aren't they terrific? 314 00:14:41,001 --> 00:14:45,000 Yeah, well, the writing isn't bad, but Martin, it's so depressing. 315 00:14:45,001 --> 00:14:48,000 Gibby, it's about a man with a terminal illness. 316 00:14:48,001 --> 00:14:50,000 Yeah, well, that doesn't mean it has to be so sad, does it? 317 00:14:50,001 --> 00:14:52,000 Can't you goose it up a little bit? 318 00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:53,000 Goose it up? 319 00:14:53,001 --> 00:14:55,000 Yeah, pull up the heartstrings a little more. 320 00:14:55,001 --> 00:14:57,000 That little Ryan White, he was adorable. 321 00:14:57,001 --> 00:15:01,000 And the woman with the dentist, she was... A woman? Work with me, Marty. 322 00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:05,000 Now, what if this Peter fellow has a friend who's a baseball player? 323 00:15:05,001 --> 00:15:08,000 And right before he dies, the friend wins the big game for him. 324 00:15:08,001 --> 00:15:11,000 Gibby, he doesn't have a friend who's a baseball player. 325 00:15:11,001 --> 00:15:13,000 All right. All right. 326 00:15:13,001 --> 00:15:14,807 What if he adopts a young child and 327 00:15:14,819 --> 00:15:17,000 teaches him the true meaning of Christmas? 328 00:15:17,001 --> 00:15:20,000 Do you know how many ways I could kill you? 329 00:15:20,001 --> 00:15:23,000 No. No, Gibby, no. You wanted the story of a man's life. 330 00:15:23,001 --> 00:15:26,000 Well, this is the story of a man's life, and it's poignant, it's compelling, 331 00:15:26,001 --> 00:15:28,000 and it's the book that you bought. 332 00:15:28,001 --> 00:15:31,000 Temper, Marty. Don't get your nuts in a knot. 333 00:15:31,001 --> 00:15:33,000 It's just a suggestion. 334 00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:39,000 Maybe he gets a big yellow dog. 335 00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:40,000 Now, look. 336 00:15:40,001 --> 00:15:45,000 Maybe not. 337 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000 ( music playing ) 338 00:15:48,001 --> 00:16:09,000 Is it too angry? 339 00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:11,000 It's very angry. 340 00:16:11,001 --> 00:16:14,000 But it's funny, right? I can make it funnier. 341 00:16:14,001 --> 00:16:17,000 Okay, I'm gonna be totally honest with you now. 342 00:16:17,001 --> 00:16:20,000 It's perfect. 343 00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:22,000 Really? 344 00:16:22,001 --> 00:16:24,000 I wouldn't change a thing. 345 00:16:24,001 --> 00:16:27,000 This is very disconcerting. 346 00:16:27,001 --> 00:16:29,000 I've never written anything that I've actually liked. 347 00:16:29,001 --> 00:16:32,000 It's making it very hard to maintain a low self-image. 348 00:16:32,001 --> 00:16:33,000 Sorry. 349 00:16:33,001 --> 00:16:37,000 Thanks. 350 00:16:37,001 --> 00:16:39,000 Here we go. 351 00:16:39,001 --> 00:16:40,000 Hmm? 352 00:16:40,001 --> 00:16:49,000 I bet I would have made a really great old person. 353 00:16:49,001 --> 00:16:51,000 Hmm. 354 00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:53,000 Are you expecting someone? 355 00:16:53,001 --> 00:16:55,000 Hello? 356 00:16:55,001 --> 00:16:56,000 It's me, darling. 357 00:16:56,001 --> 00:16:58,000 Shh. It's my mother. 358 00:16:58,001 --> 00:17:01,000 Come on in. 359 00:17:01,001 --> 00:17:04,000 Do you have a mother, Martin? 360 00:17:04,001 --> 00:17:06,000 Oh, yeah. 361 00:17:06,001 --> 00:17:08,000 Then I don't need to explain. 362 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,000 Oh, darling. 363 00:17:11,001 --> 00:17:15,000 I was in the city, visiting your sister and the baby, 364 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,000 who still runs from me, by the way. 365 00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:20,000 Although Kathy swears she doesn't know why, 366 00:17:20,001 --> 00:17:23,000 and I thought I would just come by and bring up a few things. 367 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,000 Oh, you're not alone. 368 00:17:25,001 --> 00:17:27,000 Mother, this is Martin Tupper. 369 00:17:27,001 --> 00:17:29,000 Martin, this is my mother, Kitty Brewer. 370 00:17:29,001 --> 00:17:31,000 Hello, Martin Tupper. 371 00:17:31,001 --> 00:17:32,000 It's nice to meet you. 372 00:17:32,001 --> 00:17:34,000 So, what are the few things? 373 00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:39,000 Oh, cereal, apples, lasagna, macaroni, and cheese, broccoli, 374 00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:41,000 Turkey, pot pie, chicken, pot pie. 375 00:17:41,001 --> 00:17:44,000 Mother, you know I'm not eating meat anymore. 376 00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:47,000 Darling, chicken is not meat. Chicken is chicken. 377 00:17:47,001 --> 00:17:50,000 There's no room in the freezer. 378 00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:53,000 Then you'll just have to eat more to make room. 379 00:17:53,001 --> 00:17:54,000 You need your strength. 380 00:17:54,001 --> 00:17:58,000 If you want to hit her with a lamp, Martin, be my guest. 381 00:17:58,001 --> 00:18:02,000 So... 382 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,000 How long have you been seeing Peter? 383 00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:09,000 Seeing? 384 00:18:09,001 --> 00:18:11,000 Oh, Martin, dear, it's all right. 385 00:18:11,001 --> 00:18:15,000 You don't have to pretend. I know all about Peter. 386 00:18:15,001 --> 00:18:18,000 We talk. It's just fine. 387 00:18:18,001 --> 00:18:20,000 No, really. We're just working on others. 388 00:18:20,001 --> 00:18:21,000 That's right, Martin. 389 00:18:21,001 --> 00:18:25,000 We don't need to keep our love a secret from her. 390 00:18:25,001 --> 00:18:28,000 Alice, what's going on with that funny little head of yours? 391 00:18:28,001 --> 00:18:29,000 We don't? 392 00:18:29,001 --> 00:18:30,000 No. 393 00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:33,000 We have nothing to be ashamed of. 394 00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:35,000 That's true. We don't. 395 00:18:35,001 --> 00:18:38,000 Mrs. Brewer. 396 00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:40,000 Or should I call you Mom? 397 00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:43,000 Peter talks about you all the time. 398 00:18:43,001 --> 00:18:44,000 Oh, really? 399 00:18:44,001 --> 00:18:47,000 Oh, God. Just the other day, he was saying how much he wishes he could spend 400 00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,000 more time with you. 401 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:49,000 Isn't that right, hon? 402 00:18:49,001 --> 00:18:51,000 Of course. 403 00:18:51,001 --> 00:18:54,000 Can I tell her? 404 00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:56,000 Tell her what? 405 00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:57,000 Peter wants to take you on a cruise. 406 00:18:57,001 --> 00:18:59,000 A cruise? Really? 407 00:18:59,001 --> 00:19:02,000 Ten days. Just the two of you. 408 00:19:02,001 --> 00:19:04,000 Oh, Peter, I would love that. 409 00:19:04,001 --> 00:19:08,000 Well, we... Just one of my little jokes. 410 00:19:08,001 --> 00:19:11,000 Well, of course, it's my treat. 411 00:19:11,001 --> 00:19:13,000 Oh, I'll call my travel agent in the morning. 412 00:19:13,001 --> 00:19:17,000 Oh, she's marvelous. We can do the Caribbean or Mexico. 413 00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:19,000 Ooh, that sounds wonderful. 414 00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:22,000 I'll be right back. I've just got to go hurl myself. 415 00:19:22,001 --> 00:19:24,000 Off the fire escape. 416 00:19:24,001 --> 00:19:28,000 Oh, Martin, dear, I'm so glad he's found you. 417 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,000 I'm glad he's found someone. 418 00:19:30,001 --> 00:19:32,000 Oh, well, yeah. 419 00:19:32,001 --> 00:19:33,000 Do me a favor. 420 00:19:33,001 --> 00:19:35,000 Sure, sure. 421 00:19:35,001 --> 00:19:37,000 Take good care of him. 422 00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:41,000 Promise me. 423 00:19:41,001 --> 00:19:44,000 I... I promise. 424 00:19:44,001 --> 00:19:56,000 Howdy! 425 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,000 Hey. 426 00:19:58,001 --> 00:20:01,000 Oh, good for you. 427 00:20:01,001 --> 00:20:04,000 King Cobra! 428 00:20:04,001 --> 00:20:07,000 Thanks. 429 00:20:07,001 --> 00:20:09,000 Give me a listen. Have you read Peter's latest pages? 430 00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:10,000 Yeah. 431 00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:12,000 What did you think of that scene at the Russian Tea Room? 432 00:20:12,001 --> 00:20:14,000 I got excited. 433 00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:17,000 This is one of the most exciting books I've ever worked on, you know. 434 00:20:17,001 --> 00:20:19,000 Well, it's about to get more exciting, Marty. 435 00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,000 What would you say if I told you we were getting rid of this Peterfella 436 00:20:22,001 --> 00:20:24,000 and doing the book with Lucas Hill? 437 00:20:24,001 --> 00:20:25,000 What? 438 00:20:25,001 --> 00:20:27,000 Yeah, watch the boots, Marty. Watch the boots. 439 00:20:27,001 --> 00:20:29,000 What are you talking about? 440 00:20:29,001 --> 00:20:32,000 I mean, Lucas Hill, the quarterback? 441 00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:34,000 Yeah, I found out through a friend of mine in the medical profession 442 00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:37,000 that Mr. Hill is positive with this HIV thing. 443 00:20:37,001 --> 00:20:40,000 Though I scooped the boys at Random House and got us the book. 444 00:20:40,001 --> 00:20:44,000 We can't just drop Peter like this. 445 00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:46,000 You know, this book is important. 446 00:20:46,001 --> 00:20:48,000 I don't care if he's Oscar-fucking-wild, Marty. 447 00:20:48,001 --> 00:20:53,000 You can't seriously expect us to publish the story of some pillow-biter 448 00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:55,000 from the West Village rather than Lucas Hills. 449 00:20:55,001 --> 00:20:56,000 Why not? 450 00:20:56,001 --> 00:20:59,000 Oh, don't be dense, Marty. My guy does sneaker commercials. 451 00:20:59,001 --> 00:21:02,000 He sleeps with women. He's a national hero. 452 00:21:02,001 --> 00:21:03,000 This is a tragedy. 453 00:21:03,001 --> 00:21:05,000 And with my guy, it's not a tragedy? 454 00:21:05,001 --> 00:21:07,000 Well, no one cares about your guy, Marty. 455 00:21:07,001 --> 00:21:09,000 I care about my guy. 456 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:13,000 I suppose at this point we should once again explore this employer-employee 457 00:21:13,001 --> 00:21:14,000 relationship. 458 00:21:14,001 --> 00:21:16,000 We're going with my guy. 459 00:21:16,001 --> 00:21:21,000 You're a pig, Gebby. 460 00:21:21,001 --> 00:21:24,000 Don't forget to wash your hands, Marty. Hygiene is everything. 461 00:21:24,001 --> 00:21:28,000 Hitler has ordered you. 462 00:21:28,001 --> 00:21:41,000 Excuse me. 463 00:21:41,001 --> 00:21:43,000 Sorry. Is Peter here? 464 00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:46,000 No. Mr. Peter in hospital. 465 00:21:46,001 --> 00:21:48,000 Hospital? 466 00:21:48,001 --> 00:21:51,000 You tell him. Toilet light. Shh. 467 00:21:51,001 --> 00:22:01,000 Peter? 468 00:22:01,001 --> 00:22:15,000 Mmm. 469 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,000 Nope. Not dead yet. 470 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,000 I can see that. 471 00:22:20,001 --> 00:22:23,000 Is it the pneumonia again? 472 00:22:23,001 --> 00:22:26,000 Yeah, but I look good. 473 00:22:26,001 --> 00:22:28,000 And that's what counts. 474 00:22:28,001 --> 00:22:32,000 Mmm. Thank you. 475 00:22:32,001 --> 00:22:37,000 How do you feel? 476 00:22:37,001 --> 00:22:38,000 Should've. 477 00:22:38,001 --> 00:22:41,000 You're the worst writer's cramp. 478 00:22:41,001 --> 00:22:43,000 Oh, here. 479 00:22:43,001 --> 00:22:45,000 Good luck reading my writing. 480 00:22:45,001 --> 00:22:47,000 My father was a doctor. 481 00:22:47,001 --> 00:22:52,000 Peter, look at you. 482 00:22:52,001 --> 00:22:54,000 Why don't you just forget about the book for right now? 483 00:22:54,001 --> 00:22:57,000 Okay. You need to rest. 484 00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:59,000 I need to write. 485 00:22:59,001 --> 00:23:03,000 Okay. 486 00:23:03,001 --> 00:23:06,000 I have to tell you something. 487 00:23:06,001 --> 00:23:08,000 What? 488 00:23:08,001 --> 00:23:11,000 Gebby. 489 00:23:11,001 --> 00:23:13,000 You gotta do it. 490 00:23:13,001 --> 00:23:16,000 He loves the Russian tearoom stuff. 491 00:23:16,001 --> 00:23:17,000 Great. 492 00:23:17,001 --> 00:23:19,000 Can they sue us for printing that? 493 00:23:19,001 --> 00:23:22,000 Wait a minute. What the fuck do I care? 494 00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:27,000 Nice decor, huh? 495 00:23:27,001 --> 00:23:32,000 I can't believe I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in this room. 496 00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:35,000 Wait. Wait. 497 00:23:35,001 --> 00:23:42,000 Just, uh... Mmm. Mmm-hmm. 498 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,000 Mmm. 499 00:23:45,001 --> 00:23:53,000 Peter. 500 00:23:53,001 --> 00:23:57,000 You're making me feel like Ally McGraw. 501 00:23:57,001 --> 00:24:01,000 Hey. 502 00:24:01,001 --> 00:24:03,000 See that sweater over there? 503 00:24:03,001 --> 00:24:04,000 That's for you. 504 00:24:04,001 --> 00:24:06,000 My mother knitted that. 505 00:24:06,001 --> 00:24:08,000 She loved you. 506 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,088 Oh, does this mean I'm gonna have to start 507 00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:13,000 going to family weddings or something? 508 00:24:13,001 --> 00:24:15,429 Oh, yeah. And if I don't get out of here, 509 00:24:15,441 --> 00:24:18,000 you're going on that cruise with my mother. 510 00:24:18,001 --> 00:24:20,000 No, no, no, no. 511 00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:23,000 By the way, did I tell you? 512 00:24:23,001 --> 00:24:25,000 I'll be moving to another state and changing my name? 513 00:24:25,001 --> 00:24:27,000 No. 514 00:24:27,001 --> 00:24:30,000 You don't get off that easy, Mike. 515 00:24:30,001 --> 00:24:32,000 She'll track you down. 516 00:24:32,001 --> 00:24:48,000 ( 517 00:24:48,001 --> 00:24:50,000 Hi, Kitty. 518 00:24:50,001 --> 00:24:52,000 Martin. Hello. 519 00:24:52,001 --> 00:24:54,000 How's it going? 520 00:24:54,001 --> 00:24:57,000 I can't seem to throw anything away. 521 00:24:57,001 --> 00:25:00,000 A doodle pad with phone numbers on it. 522 00:25:00,001 --> 00:25:05,000 Here. I brought this for you. It's Peter's book. 523 00:25:05,001 --> 00:25:07,000 Oh, thank you. 524 00:25:07,001 --> 00:25:11,000 I'm just so sorry. It's never going to be published. 525 00:25:11,001 --> 00:25:16,000 Just between you and me. I took it over to Random House. 526 00:25:16,001 --> 00:25:19,000 Okay? It's gonna be out the beginning of December. 527 00:25:19,001 --> 00:25:21,489 And, uh, I don't know. It turns out they, 528 00:25:21,501 --> 00:25:24,000 uh... They needed a Christmas book, so... 529 00:25:24,001 --> 00:25:28,000 You did good, Martin Tupper. 530 00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,000 Oh. That's my daughter. I should go. 531 00:25:33,001 --> 00:25:37,000 I want you to have this. 532 00:25:37,001 --> 00:25:42,000 Peter's father gave it to him when he was a little boy. 533 00:25:42,001 --> 00:25:45,000 No, no, I couldn't take that. 534 00:25:45,001 --> 00:25:49,000 Really, you should have that. 535 00:25:49,001 --> 00:25:53,000 Oh. Martin, darling, can you see me with a yo-yo? 536 00:25:53,001 --> 00:25:55,000 Please. 537 00:25:55,001 --> 00:25:58,000 Thank you, Kitty. 538 00:25:58,001 --> 00:26:01,000 I'm coming. 539 00:26:01,001 --> 00:26:04,000 My daughter, she's so impatient. 540 00:26:04,001 --> 00:26:15,000 Well... I guess that's about everything. 541 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,000 You take care, Martin. 542 00:26:19,001 --> 00:26:25,000 You too, Kitty. 543 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,000 (Sighs). 544 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,000 (Sighs) 545 00:26:31,001 --> 00:26:34,000 You too, Kitty. 546 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,000 (Sighs) 547 00:26:37,001 --> 00:26:40,000 (Sighs) 548 00:26:40,001 --> 00:26:43,000 (Sighs). 549 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,000 Hello, Pete. 550 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,000 (Sighs). 551 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,000 (Sighs). 552 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,000 (Sighs) 553 00:27:45,001 --> 00:27:49,000 John Renau and Wasabi at 11 on ITV4. 554 00:27:49,001 --> 00:27:52,000 (Music plays) 555 00:27:52,001 --> 00:27:55,000 (Music plays). 556 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,000 (Music plays) 557 00:27:58,001 --> 00:28:01,000 (Music plays). 558 00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,000 (Music plays). 559 00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,000 (Music plays). 560 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,000 (Music plays) 561 00:28:10,001 --> 00:28:15,000 [Music]. 38946

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