Original subtitles

It's a big, lonely, scary wofld we live fn,

each and every one of us

searching for that special someone to make as whole,

that 1 in 6.5 billion.

That's right, kiddies. I'm talking about true love.

I'm here to tell you that it exists

and if you're one of the lucky few to find it, hang on tight

because true love...

Never dies.

[V.6.]

Hello?

Come on. Let's go, legs.

Oh, whoa!

Hello?

Is anybody home?

Hello?

Oh, thank god.

excuse me. Um, sir?

Um... sir?

Holy shit!

Oh, god. Open up! Open up!

Help, help! Hey, hey, open up! Help!

Jesus Christ.

They shot me.

Oh, they're shooting at us!

Run! Everybody, run!

Run!

Oh, no.

We have to get out of here. Now.

It wasn't doc anymore, Eric.

He'd turned, son.

Rar! Ohh!

Song: I they won't stay dead

I they won't stay dead... I

Is everybody alright?

I they won't stay dead. I

Oh, god.

This... this is it.

It's the end.

Oh, god.

Whoa!

Whoa! No, stay back!

Stop!

Jesus Christ, you can talk?

Oh, you scared the shit out of me, man.

Of course I can talk. What the hell's going on?

I mean, what are they doing?

Yeah, yeah, hunter's orange

probably not the best fashion choice for the night.

I'm so glad I ran into you.

These guys, they're not making for very good conversation.

Is that how you bit the big one?

What?

Yeah, beats me, man.

I mean, I can't say autoerotic asphyxiation is a bad way to go out.

At least I died doing what I love, right?

Who are you people?!

Oh, you just woke up, huh?

Hey, hold that thought, ok? I'll be right back.

Hey, make room there, fellas. Don't be greedy, alright?

Come on.

There we go.

Hey, don't worry. I got a piece for you.

Oh!

911. Oh, thank god.

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah, I need your help.

What's your location? I don't know where I am.

I'm on a rural road by a bar.

Name of the bar? It's called the, um... royal tavern.

What seems to be the problem?

The problem?

Well, I've been shot. Ok.

And...I've been running into all these people

who are...

Eating... eating other people.

No, no, not like cannibals. Ok.

More like...

Like zombies?

Yeah! Like... well, like zombies.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you see 'dawn of the dead'? What?

I love that movie. Bad-ass.

You've gotta have seen it. I haven't seen that movie.

It's really good. I'm really glad you like it. Great.

No, you gotta see it. Wonderful.

Did you just get out of the bar? I didn't just get out of the bar!

Listen! Can you put Dracula on the phone?

You want... you want to speak to Dracula?

Ok, listen to me.

This is a very serious situation...

Come quick! There's zombies everywhere!

Why would you do that?

What? You think Barney fucking fife is gonna help us?

We're zombies, dude! No! No, no, no, no, no.

We're not zombies, ok? I'm not a zombie. You're not a zombie.

We're suffering from post-traumatical delusional stuff and we need help.

Well, we can help each other out by getting out of this hole.

I don't want your help.

I offer my hand in friendship and you slap it away.

Get his finger out of my face.

You want a bite? Zombie a little hungry?

Zombie want a little somethin' somethin'?

I said get his finger out of my face!

Whoa! I didn't mean to do that, man.

I...

Oh! You get off of me!

You frickin'...

Get off me! Don't make me thread the needle.

Get off me! Just say it — “I'm a zombie.”

Say it. I'm gonna thread it. No!

That's probably not too good.

Dude, you're like mr potato head.

Fine. Stay mad.

Like it or not, we got some things in common at the present moment.

I need a beer.

Whoa.

Classy.

Ok, this might have been a bad idea. We're fine!

We'll make it fast — Grab a seat, get you some food.

Hey, hey! Knock it off, man.

These guys came out of the womb armed with shotguns.

That's why I'm being friendly.

Can I get you boys anything?

Well, I'll take a pair of burgers for me and my friend here, rar,

and a pitcher of your finest malt beverage, please.

That it? How about a smile?

No shortness of personality in this place, huh?

Jubbville. We're in Colorado.

August 10, 2009?

Three years.

I've been dead for three years.

I missed the 'transformers' movie.

It probably sucked.

Shit. I... I don't even remember how I died.

I'm no detective, but it might be a side effect

of having two bullets lodged in your brain.

Hey, you got any cash? 'Cause if not, we're washing dishes.

What's this?

Oh, my god.

Ellie.

I was gonna propose.

Oh, my god. I was gonna propose to my girlfriend.

Well, I guess you dodged that bullet and caught another one, huh?

Yeah, maybe it's god's effed-up way of telling you she wasn't worth it.

No. No, no, no.

She was the one, the girl that you wait your entire life for.

Speaking of which...

She's probably wondered where I am. What?

No, she's probably towelling off

a Pearl necklace from her new boyfriend.

You've been gone for three years, man.

Yeah, you're right.

Of course I am.

There's nothing for me here.

No, I wouldn't go that far.

What? What are we supposed to do?

Are we supposed to visit old friends, reconnect with the family?

“Hey, mom and dad. I kind of want to eat your brains right now.”

No, no, we have a second chance here, man.

This isn't a second chance. This is nothing.

Alright, fuck this. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

First, we're gonna drink these beers here.

Second, we're gonna walk out that door

and, third, we're gonna go find that sweet girl of yours.

There's no point. Chin up!

You got a girl out there who loves you.

You know how rare that shit is?

Look at me, though. I mean, look at me.

I'm... I'm dead.

You got something dark and mysterious-looking about you.

Do you love her?

Yeah.

Well, love is the strongest force in the universe, man.

I'm talking cosmic big.

Did Luke Skywalker give up on Princess Leia?

She was his sister.

Yeah, but he wanted to fuck his sister.

Like you haven't!

Ok, that doesn't make any sense. Perfect sense.

No, it doesn't make any sense. Perfect sense.

Actually, no. Perfect sense, Bob.

Is she worth it?

Risk versus reward. He who dares wins.

You're right. Yeah!

You're right. Of course I'm right. You're absolutely right.

Come on! Alright.

Oh, god, that's good. It tastes like piss.

Well, Michigan.

Near fenwick, actually. We had an apartment there.

We went to high school together, so...

Well, it sounds like a good place to start, right?

Yeah.

And no eating people, alright?

Please. No ears, no nothing. Ok.

It's kind of weird. Promise.

We should probably find some wheels before we get our asses shot off.

Oh, by the way, I'm Brent.

Oh, Mike Kellerman.

Nice to meet you, Mike. Yeah.

I love this. Cupid's little zombies on a mission of love. We can't lose.

Whoa! Shit!

Mandy, take Jack.

I'll cover you. Go, go!

Come on!

Amanda...

I love you!

What's going on? Hey, boys!

Listen up, we got about 30 seconds before those undead motherfuckers...

Sorry, baby.

We're all gonna have to work together, alright? All of us.

Now let's board this shit hole up

before I have to shoot somebody I don't like.

Come on. Let's go! Move.

Oh, god. Let's get out of here! We need more wood!

What are we gonna do?

We'll just half-ass it.

You think that'll work?

That's the point of half-assing it.

Hurry, hurry!

Good job. Sorting the window. Ok. Give us some nails.

Out of my way, short bus.

What? Are we dancing here?

Zombie! Shh!

Zombie! He's a zombie!

What the...

Somebody help me with this. Please, help me with this.

Oh, shit, here comes shaft the zombie killer.

What happened here?

Oh, shit! He's a zombie tool

come on, man. Truce, truce! Relax!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

We don't want to hurt anybody.

Yeah. We're just trying to get home.

That's it. We don't even know how we got here.

We just want to go home. Please.

Hurry, hurry!

Whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, let go! Whoa!

Come on. Easy there. Watch it. Ohh!

Whoa... oh!

Thank you for that.

Alright.

Well, that was easy enough, huh?

What?

Ok, yeah, let's go. Let's go!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. No.

We got a live one here, sir.

Sorry, Michael. Wait!

Hey.

Oh, hey, hey. No, bad, bad.

Heel. Come here. Come here, boy.

Morning, sunshine.

What the fuck is that? That? That's cheese.

It's cheese? Ok.

Um, what's he doing here?

I'm teaching him to play fetch.

Teaching him to play fetch? Why would you do that?

He showed up once you fell asleep last night.

Probably followed us home from the bar. Check out what else he can do.

Over here, buddy. Come here. Come on. Come on, buddy.

Ready? Five, six, seven. Clap.

Down. Da-da-da. Shoulders, head. Clap.

Down. Da-da-da. Shoulders, head. Clap. Come on. Over here.

He had it an hour ago, man. Yeah, I bet he did. Just a sec.

Um, could you excuse us just a second, big guy?

Go get it, boy.

Ok, what are you doing? That's a zombie.

We're zombies. But we're good zombies.

He's a good zombie. You don't know that.

What are we supposed to do with it?

First off, it's not an 'it'. That's 'cheese'.

He's got someone's ass.

He'll probably just wander off once he gets hungry.

We can't let him wander off. He'll snack on a little kid or something.

Then we're gonna have to bring him with us.

Trust me. It'll be ok.

Everything will be fine. What about the plan, huh?

I was just talking out of my ass last night about...

Yeah, I kinda still wanna do that.

How are we supposed to stick to the plan with captain creepy following us everywhere?

It's not like any person in their right mind

would pick up a couple of assholes like us

in the middle of freakin' nowhere!

Shit!

What kind of crotch waffle drives like that? God.

Come on. Come on.

You boys need a ride?

We need to work on containing sector three and five.

Oh, Jesus, that smells so bad. Eugh.

Totally... oh!

It's... it's just man. It's a man.

A half-eaten man. It doesn't matter. You know how to work this?

It's ok, it's ok.

We got about a dozen more to go over here.

Affirmatise.

Um, sir, sir, would you like me... Emily, this is a disaster!

They were supposed to completely annihilate

a major city in a matter of hours and look at this mess!

They're just too...

Stupid.

Sir, the team is still working on it,

but they assure me that they have been making progress.

The sun is going to set on our little project here

if that progress doesn't turn into answers fast.

Stay down. Don't move.

Is this him?

Is this your handiwork, my friend?

Urn, sir? Uh, sir?

What do you want to do about...

Send backup, send backup!

Can I get some extra hands over here?

So, uh, what brings you guys out to these parts?

Well...

The adventure of life, my friend. The adventure that is life.

Ah. Well, you look a little worse for wear.

Well, fast cars, fast women...

A hard-living life, my friend.

Stay down.

I hear that.

I've made this trip by myself about a thousand times,

but it always goes a lot quicker with good conversation.

Lay down, lay down. The name's cliff.

Oh, I'm Mike.

I'm Brent. This is cheese in the back.

He's special.

Yeah.

Were you in the army, cliff?

Served through most of Vietnam.

Oh, wow. That's really cool. Wow. Yeah.

If I hadn't gone to nam,

I never would've met pei pei... my wife.

Nice!

When the army finally told me I was going home,

I... I asked her to go with me.

She said yes.

Yeah. Wow. That's a great story.

Well, I wasn't about to leave her behind.

Best little whore in Saigon, baby!

Hey, nice dog-head bobbles you got there.

Oh, she loved those little fuckers.

But why don't you ask her yourself?

Well, she passed last week.

That's terrible, cliff.

I'm sorry. Don't be sorry.

I'm driving to lake Michigan to spread her ashes.

We spent every anniversary there. This week would've been our 32nd.

That's a long time to spend with one woman.

All these guys cheating on their wives?

I mean, I never had to look elsewhere.

Pei pei was already more than I could handle!

Whoo-whee! The shit that woman would pull in bed!

Oh, oh, man...

Like what? Brent, m. We don't need details.

Would you like to know the real cure for a limp dick?

Yeah, yeah. No, no. That's alright.

That's ok. I'm ok not knowing that.

A hard-working woman

ready and willing to satisfy your...

Every sexual desire.

I gotta get me one of those. I gotta get one, cliff.

They say love isn't between the sheets, but that's where I found it.

Yeah, it is a fairly large chemical leak.

We're gonna have it under, you know, wraps in a couple hours, contained.

But let me get you a map.

Team four. Over. Mcdr'nkle, report.

Mcdr'nkle, report!

What now, dick lick?

Can you pass me a map?

Gillman, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, what do you need?

How the fuck did I wind up on this bullshit detail?

How many times are you gonna ask me that question?

And how did I get saddled up with a big, dumb pussy like you?

Map.

Wait. There's not supposed to be anybody coming down that road.

The town's supposed to be clear. I gotta call this in.

Alright! Finally some action!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

When I give the signal, I'll take the driver's side door.

Then it's, “kaplowl how do you like me now?”

We gotta call this in!

Shut the fuck up, Gillman, and do the job.

Cheese, cheese, get down. Down, down, down.

Oh, this could be good. We should talk to these guys.

No, I don't think these people look very friendly.

I think we should turn around. Listen. I'll handle these guys.

Put your car in park.

Nice day. How you boys doing?

Doing ok. Uh, this road's been quarantined, sir,

and there was a major chemical leak.

You might have been possibly exposed to some chemical leakage... spillage.

I didn't see anything. My friends and I are in kind of a hurry.

So if you don't mind... I understand, sir.

But we have to detain you just for a short while...

It's just we have a long trip ahead of us...

Look, old man.

Just get out of the fucking car

before I make you get out of the fucking car.

Just who do you think you're talking to here, son?

We're not playing kick the can here, old man.

Howdy there. Motherf...

Whoa! Brass balls, cliff!

Oh, wow. Brass balls! Hell, yeah!

One of you guys wanna...

I got dibs. Yeah.

Uh, we need a decision here. What's it gonna be?

It's way above my pay grade.

Oh, forget it. I will. Yeah.

I'm on it. I am.

I am. I am on it.

I... yes, sir.

I'm... yeah, on the double.

This truck is pretty much fully equipped

to handle any situation that should arise.

However, I would like to remind you that this is a recovery mission,

not a kill everything mission.

Uh, the key words to keep in mind here are 'iow profile'.

So if you have any questions,

feel free to touch me... Call me... contact us.

The rest of your team is waiting

to meet up with you north of buckman road.

Team? No, I don't want to work with your guys.

I don't need them slowing me down.

Well, that's too bad because it's what he requested.

You know what?

As long as I get my money,

I'll bring them to your boss any way he wants.

I'll even tie a ribbon around their asses.

Ellie!

Mike? Ellie, I'm so glad you're here.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, I think someone murdered...

Oh, wow. What's that smell? Is something rotting?

There it is.

Dude! Are we there yet?

Oh, no.

Come on! Oh, fuck!

Shit! Oh, fuck!

Oh... fuck.

Maybe it's a wire.

Or a fuse.

Maybe it's the flux capacitor. Is it not fluxing?

Yeah, that's what it is, Brent. We're all out of plutonium.

Ow! Oh, fucking... arggh!

Sonofa... Not a good time, buddy.

He's pretty pissed at you. He's really sorry, Mike.

You can't be mad at him. I mean, look at that face.

I'm not mad at him, Brent, ok?

We're stranded, alright? He drove the truck bone dry.

I mean, what sort of thought process

made you think that that can drive a car, huh?

He wanted to take a turn!

Ooh, ok, what did I miss?

Oh, no biggie, cliffy.

We're just... We just ran out of gas.

Well, it's getting late. We should probably hunker down for the night.

We can walk to a gas station in the morning.

I've got some sleeping bags here.

You mean camping?

Like, under the stars and telling ghost stories?

This is gonna be amazing! -No.

No, no, no. Tell me you weren't a boy scout?

Guys, we are not camping here.

Well, we can just move back into the tree line a little.

Where's your sense of adventure? This is gonna be great!

Great. Thank you.

Awesome. So... whoo!

Ok, we're gonna camp. Wonderful.

Fucking Daniel Boone. Yeah.

Oh! I hope you fuckers become mosquito zombies!

Come here, cheese. Come here, cheese.

Brent. Cheese, come here. Come on.

Brent. Come here. Come here, cheese.

Brent. Come here, cheese.

Brent. Hey, Brent.

Ok, just go kill a kid or something.

Hey, Brent, come over here, man. Come over here. Come here, come here.

Help us out with this, man. Help us out, ok?

Yeah. Brent, are you listening?

This is gold coming out, right here, in your face.

Ok, alright.

Werewolves and silver bullets, man...

How... how did they know that's the only way to kill a werewolf?

How do they know that? It's a bullet.

No, no, no. But what if there's other things, man?

What if there's other things like doorknobs?

How do they know that lamps...

Werewolves could be afraid of lamps, man.

Or... oh! Or chicken sandwiches.

What if a chicken sandwich to a werewolf's like a grenade, man?

You just fucking throw the chicken sandwich at the werewolf's face

and it's just like...

Instant death, instant doom, man.

You know, like, seriously? Garlic.

How do we know if we never tried it? How do we know?

What, cliff? Garlic. The garlic.

yeah, yeah, yeah. Garlic.

Who's the one that figured out...

That garlic is what kills Dracula, you know?

I mean, did Dracula order a pizza one day

and he was like, “I'm gonna try some of that garlic stuff,”

then he got the garlic on the pizza and he tries it

and he's like, “oh, fuck! My face! It's burning!

“I did not expect that to happen! I did not expect that to happen.

“This garlic fucking sucks.

“This is what kills me. Tell everybody. Tell the village.”

You know what I mean? Like, how did they find that out?

Oh, you know what I'm gonna do, man?

I'm gonna come up with my own monster

so, like, in 200 years, all these people are gonna be like,

“shit!, shit! It's the monster!

“Grab the Oscar Mayer wiener truck, put a dirty tampon on your head

“and run over its left arm.

“It's the only way to kill it. Hurry, hurry! Hurry, motherfuckers.”

Does it have to be an Oscar Mayer wiener?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What about a regular wiener truck? I mean, Jesus.

Yeah, no, cliff, I'm telling you right now.

You're hearing it first right here.

It's gotta be an Oscar Mayer truck.

Oh, shit!

Oh, oh, shit. Oh, god, Brent.

It's a werewolf, man. Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Oh, oh, grab a chicken sandwich. Grab a chicken sandwich. Quick!

Just shut up!

Oh, god.

Oh, cheeser, come here, man. Cheeser, come here, man.

Cheeser. Cheeser, man, iook. Alright, listen to me, buddy.

This is the only time I'm ever gonna say this to you.

I swear to god, it's the only time I'm gonna say this.

But suck this shit, man. Suck it hard.

Suck this shit hard. -That's really good, Mike.

Get him stoned, ok? Give him the munchies.

Brent, where are you going, man? Cheese, let's go.

Where are you going? I gotta take a piss.

Brent, where are you going, man? You're what? You're taking a piss?

Do we have to do that?

I don't know, but I gotta piss. Fuck!

I don't even know if we have to do that.

I haven't pissed in three years, man. I haven't pissed in three years.

That's weird.

I got an abandoned vehicle out here on carver road, suze.

I'm checking it out.

You want me to send frank out there, Phil?

It's an abandoned car, suze. I think I can handle the excitement.

Alright, Phil. Over and out.

What you got there?

Nothing.

It's a ring.

Nah, doesn't suit you.

Yeah.

You got a girl to match that pretty piece of metal?

I do.

I did.

It's complicated.

Yeah, it wouldn't be any fun if it wasn't, though.

Right.

Does she know you're gonna drop that bomb on her?

Well, I'm not gonna just hand it to her off the bat.

I'm actually working on what I'm gonna say.

“Working on”?

Yeah, writing it down.

I'm not very good with the whole talking thing.

But...I'm a decent writer.

I mean, it's one thing I'm good at, I guess.

I mean, I got a couple short stories published

and I got into the writers program at u of m, full ride, so...

I never went.

I mean, I didn't want to...

I couldn't.

I couldn't leave her.

This girl? Yeah.

Ellie.

Hopeless romanticism.

It's the downfall of every great man.

Do me a favour, Shakespeare.

When you find this Ellie, tell her how you feel.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no. I'm going to.

No, no, no.

Tell her.

Hm, I gotta take a dump.

You're driving me nuts with that thing. Hold it up!

Goddammit! Is that poison Ivy?

Come on, cheese. Fuck.

A little privacy here. Shoo, shool

Go find your own tree.

I could use a little light, though.

Never mind.

Oh, ohh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, good. Oh!

Oh. Oh, yeah. There it is.

Hey, cheese, check this shit out.

Hold it right there, pal.

What the hell's wrong with your face?

Hands above your head now.

Listen, pal, I'm having a real shit turd of a night here, ok?

I said, “hands above your head now!”

Ok, ok, ok, ok!

Uh, look, I know this looks a little weird, but how about you put the gun down...

Really? Really?!

I really don't need this tonight, bro. I really don't.

Come on! Oh.

What's up, man? Wake up, cliffy.

Nothing, man. What's up with you?

Oh, you know, same shit, different day.

I was thinking we should probably get a move on.

Brent, are those gunshot wounds? We should get moving.

We don't want your girl to have to wait any longer than she has to.

Brent, what are we supposed to do about gas?

Time waits for no man. Come on, come on.

Let's go! Come on, come on.

Jesus, Joseph and Mary!

Uhh... come on, buddy. Come on.

Fuck! Come on.

Over.

Brent, what's going on here? Nothing. Everything's supercooi.

What did you do?! I'll drive.

No, no, no. Hey, hey, hey!

No, no! We're not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on.

Nothing. Just relax, ok?

Nothing's gonna happen to us. Just give me the keys.

Alright, move over. I'm driving.

Yeah.

What the hell makes you think they were here, convict?

Just let him do his job. Shut the fuck up, Gillman.

Hey, little man.

Go take a look around. Ok.

Keep your head up.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Just stay there and don't touch anything.

Fuck you, convict! This is bullshit. You're wasting my goddamn time.

I'm calling in to hq.

We are through here. Shh!

Gillman, pack up your shit. Dead end!

Arggh!

Get it off me! Get it off me!

Shoot it, Gillman. Jesus Christ! Shoot it!

Shoot it! No, shoot it! I got it, I got it.

Stop moving! Hold still!

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

That the last of the body bags?

Man 2: Affirmative, sir. Oh, oh! Come on, guys.

Man 1: Alright, back it in.

Keep coming, keep coming, keep coming.

Oh, my... oh, my god. Eugh.

Ohh!

Oh... oh, my god. Um, how long is it gonna be before he... urgh?

Oh, my fucking head hurts.

The escaped subjects

were injected with an alternate strain of the reanimant.

I caught it this morning.

Uh, ok.

So does that mean they're...

Smart zombies?

Where am I?

Oh, my god! Holy shit!

Oh, no, no, no. Just kill. Kill... oh.

What's going on? Where are you going?

Let me get you something for the pain.

What? What are you talking about, man?

Oh, what are you... what? No.

Where am I going? Oh, my god!

Oh, are we making a stop?

We are making a stop.

Oh. Oh.

Hey, where are you going?

Going to make another snack run.

You know, pei pei and I

used to come here every year on our way up to the lake

and this is probably the first time

I've actually seen more than five minutes of a movie here.

Pei pei had a thing for public places.

I'd better hit the shitter.

You not a horror fan, buddy?

Yeah, I think I've had my share too.

Watch it, buddy.

We got one.

Alright, motherfuckers, it's go time.

Bah weep granah weep nini bong, my friend.

Large popcorn, soda, large, and one of these.

What else have we got here? Er...

Ooh, one of these. Are you sick or something?

Unprotected sex. Don't gamble, kid. Listen to me on this one, alright?

Keep the change.

Bingo.

Fee, fi, foe, fuck.

Get in the back of the fucking truck.

Are you fucking serious?

You bastards. Why are you torturing me like this? Why?

Mike: Hey, cheese, relax.

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa. Whoa. Cheese, get back in the truck.

Cheese, what are you doing?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Shh. Get back in the truck.

Get back in the truck, cheese. What? What? Do you see something?

Vvhoa.vvhoa. Right here.

You.

Yeah, me.

No. No. No. No. Cheese. Stay.

Stay. Better listen to him, big man.

Put those on him.

Alright. Cheese. Cheese, I'm gonna put these on you.

Settle down. It'll be alright, ok?

Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that.

Major wood to dick tick, come on t'rl.

Uh, little busy.

So what time do you asshole fucktards think you'll be ready?

Over.

'Cause I already got mine bagged and tagged

and I think I got time for a little nappy poo

while you two pussies are busy getting your dicks kicked in.

Over.

How about you loosen up these things a bit, huh?

Word of advice, road kill,

don't fuck with daddy dinkle.

Hope that's not too tight.

No, no, no. Cheese. Cheese. Stop.

Look, man, I know you're not a bad guy and I know what we look like.

You're thinking, “there's a zombie. Need to put two in its brain.”

But we're not looking to start some kind of zombie holocaust or anything.

I just want to get back to my girl.

I mean, can't we work out some sort of deal?

Yes, I am.

What?

I am a bad guy.

Sonofabitch. You shot me.

Well, that was your first mistake.

Not good. Not good. Not good.

Alright, rotten crotch. You stay put. Daddy's got to go to work.

Cheese, no. Bad.

Autobots, roll out.

Come on. Just come here. Come on. Cheese, come on.

Into the truck.

What? Punch it, cliffie.

Go. Go!

Wait. Wait. Hey! Stop the truck. Hey!

Come on, Mike. You're almost there. Come on. Get up.

Oh, hang on.

What are you doing? Brent, what are you doing? Stop playing with that.

One second, man. Throw it.

There you go. Hold this, buddy.

Oh, shit!

Not funny! Oh! Oh, so not cool.

Hold on tight!

Come on, Mike. Come on, Mike.

Now. Come on. Come on. Come on. We got you. Come up here.

Is he gonna be alright? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He'll be fine.

Oh, my god. That was crazy. That was amazing, man.

Hey, Brent, can you help me over here?

Absolutely. Alright.

Got 'em! Yeah. Thanks, man.

Over here, buddy.

Almost done.

Thanks, cliff.

No need, kid.

You made it, cliff.

We made it.

Cliff?

Hell, yeah, cliff. You finally made it, you miserable bastard.

What's wrong with the cliffster?

No. I told you. I'm not crying. I don't cry.

It's just shit like this... It's so sad, you know?

Hey. Goonies never say die.

What are you doing here?

Sorry, Michael. No, wait!

Nice place you had here.

Jazz to moon base two. Old buddy, do you read me?

He killed me.

He killed me here. What? Who?

Ellie's dad. He shot me right there.

Huh? Wait a minute.

Ok, so this chick you're crazy about, her dad had you killed?

I think the idea of a happy ending's just taken a straight nosedive, man.

And what? Did you pop her cherry or something?

I popped a lot of cherries but I never got killed for it.

Here eerneth the leernert.

Oh, shit.

What? Yep, the toolbox squad is here.

We gotta go.

Ok. Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy.

They're just outside.

Shut up, Gillman.

I don't think they saw me.

Whoa! Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Damn it! -Here comes the boom.

Vvhoa. Vvhoa!

Keep on running. Come on, boy.

Stay. Stay. What are you doing?

Give me a sec. No. They're right behind us.

Jesus Christ, man, I just got shot.

It's not like we know where we're going anyway.

No. Actually, yeah, we do. Look.

I found this. What the hell is this?

It's my reunion. Ellie will be there.

How do you know that?

You don't even know if she lives in this town.

We gotta go. We don't have time.

Great. I'm glad we dressed for the occasion.

Alright. You can stay out here if you want. It's ok.

Fine. Great. Well, good.

I wouldn't want to spoil your romantic moment.

Do you have something you want to say?

I just did.

Besides, I'd rather continue to watch you delude yourself.

That's an awful big word for you.

It has to be big enough for your big head to understand.

I have the big head? Uh-huh.

What about “life is a party” and “go with the flow”, huh?

This may have been the biggest roller-coaster of your life, Brent,

but I want off.

You think I do this for myself?

Man, I wanted to help you find your girl. But come on. Get over it.

How much bad shit has to happen

before you realise it's just not worth it?

Cliff died, I got shot twice,

my dick fell off and now somebody wants to put us in the ground.

Somebody already did. You know what I mean by that.

Not now.

Look, this chick's dad had you killed.

Obviously, things aren't hunky-dory.

I don't even know what we're doing here.

I have to tell her how...

“I have to tell her how I feel.”

Come on, man. Do you honestly think that she's going to love you?

I mean, look at you.

I don't know and I don't care, alright?

All I know is that this is a much better plan

than standing around here wasting another minute with you.

No need. Mike: Fine.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.

I love you too, buddy.

But you should go with Brent, though.

Oh, that way.

Ok?

Hey, how's it going? Looking good, ladies. Looking good.

Um, hi. Can you tell me if Ellie Masterson is attending?

Oh, she sure is. I just did her name tag, like, two minutes ago.

Oh, great.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's me.

I had the biggest crush on you sophomore year.

Really? It's Carrie.

We were on the debate team together. Carrie dow.

Carrie dow? Oh, my god. Yeah! Carrie dow. Wow.

The one and only. Wow. It's you.

Carrie dow. We used to call you 'dairy cow'.

No. Except that we didn't.

I... oh, god, I'm sorry. I...

You just... you've lost a lot of weight.

Great to see you, Mike.

You too. I'm sorry.

Nice.

Roller-coaster of my life?

He does... he does not know anything about my life.

I had a lot of interesting things going on when I was doing stuff.

I don't need him.

We don't need him dragging our ass down, right?

Yeah, yeah. I know.

Mike! Hey, Mike.

Hey, bro. It's been a long time.

Rob! Yeah. How you doing, man?

Rob, wow. How are you? Yeah. Oh, ok.

How are you doing? Yeah. Awesome.

How's it going?

Oh, you know, good. Good.

How have you been? Good. Good.

Man, you look... not good. Are you sick? You look really pale.

Oh, yeah. Just...

I'm a zombie.

Yeah. Totally, dude.

That's awesome, man.

Cooi, man.

So are you still doing that music stuff?

Oh, yeah, dude. Dude, big-time.

It's actually going great. Like, you know, the band's still together.

We're still rocking out with our cocks out, you know?

Dude, marlin bar and grill every Wednesday night.

But only on wednesdays. Dude, man...

Robbie, Kasey dropped a load and it's your turn.

Ok, hang on a sec.

So are you...

All I smell is shit, Rob. Absolutely.

Rob! Urn...

Ok, give him here. I'll take him. Woman: Thank you.

Hi.

What, a poo, huh? Yeah. Like father, like son.

Hey, I want to introduce... oh.

Oh! Oh, my god.

Alright. I'm gonna say it. Alright.

Oh! Oh, ok.

Um, excuse me. Um, sorry.

Come on, dude. Pull together.

Alright. Come on.

Hey, Ellie. So what's new with you, huh? What's up?

Me? Oh, nah. Detachable arm. It falls off.

Seriously, man.

You cannot go out there and talk to her like this.

Joey the seal needs to drain the chubster.

Yep, there they are.

I wonder if I just...

Get down, man.

“I can't keep pretending. I love you, big daddy.”

“Well, where's the big dildo, mr delicious?”

“Well, it's right over there.”

There's only room for one bad-ass and it's me on this fucking trip.

Wait. Where's the little guy?

Spread them zombie toes and stay still.

Remember me, asshole?

Yeah, I do. I've seen you, like, twice in the last two days, shit bag.

Well, well.

What have we here?

Yeah, yeah, it's good to see you too.

Uh-huh. 'Bye.

Well...

Vvhoa.Vvhoa.

Oh. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. You just...

You just kind of scared me there...

For a second.

What? What? What?

I can't hear you with that thing on.

Oh, no, no.

No. It'll destroy the illusion.

Of what? That you're a grown man in a seal costume?

Yeah, it makes quite an impression.

Sometimes I think things and they just kind of shoot out my mouth.

And you are? I'm John.

John Connor.

How are you enjoying the reunion?

Urn, it's going ok.

I mean, I flew in from out of town, so I guess I wanted to come.

Now that I'm here, I realise I'm glad I left.

High school.

How about you?

How about me what? The reunion.

You run into any of your old girlfriends?

No, actually. I only had one girlfriend when I was in school.

Well, that outfit's not exactly pimp gear, so...

Yeah.no.

She must have been something else.

Yeah, she was great.

What did you say your name was again?

Dj: Sending transmissions live from dance land,

it's the south Campbell 1999 high school reunion.

We're gonna slow things down for all you lovebirds out there.

Find that special someone and make magic.

Hey, you want to dance? What? With me?

Yes, you. Come on.

So what about you?

Did you run into any old boyfriends or...

No, I actually only had one and he is...

Definitely not here.

Actually, you might know him. Mike Kellerman?

Um... oh, my gosh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mike. Mike Kellerman. Yeah. Great guy. Love him. Awesome.

Yeah. Yeah. Dark hair. Glasses.

Kind of nerdy-looking.

So what about you?

Oh. Me? What about me?

What do you these days?

Er... I drive... drive cross-country.

Oh. Like a truck driver?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a truck driver.

Do you love it?

Um, it's horrible, actually. Yeah.

To tell you the truth...

I miss y...

Uh, the old days, you know...

The way things used to be.

I... I want them back.

I want them back more than anything.

Well, if you want something that bad, you gotta go after it.

Yeah.

Sorry. I'm preaching to you.

I don't know what I want to do with my life

and here I am telling you what to do with yours.

No, no, no, no. You're absolutely right.

That's... that's what I always loved about...

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to pick this party back up.

That's what I always loved about you.

Let's go.

Come on. Just let me talk to her and then you can have me.

We're not monsters.

I don't care what the hell you are.

I really don't. Ow.

I don't care.

Don't even breathe. I really don't need to. Thanks.

I can't believe you touched it.

Gillman, shut the fuck up.

And you, you just give me one good reason, buddy,

why I shouldn't put my piece in your mouth and unload.

That's the best gay phone sex I've ever had.

You little sonofabiteh.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

You don't screw with the pooch, my friend.

Say 'cheese'i what?

Shit!

Whoa. Whoa.

No. Hit him, buddy. Get him.

Attaboy.

Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Don't lose the little one.

He's getting away, cheese. He's gonna get away.

Cheese!

No. Bad.

booyah!

No!

Oh, no. No, no, no. No, cheese. Hey, buddy. Hey.

Hey. Hey, cheese. -Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey, cheese.

Good boy! Everything's ok, man.

Everything's ok.

Cheese? Cheese.

Mike: Buddy, no.

Come on, buddy. No, no. No, no.No.No.

Hey, come on.

Come on, buddy.

Come on.

Deal done, mr Jeremiah. Your money and freedom await.

Oh. Has the rate of deterioration stabilised?

Mike, you alright, buddy?

Yeah, I'm good, I think.

You don't like me very much, do you?

You killed me. I was going to marry her and you killed me.

Then why bring me back, huh?

Meat for the grinder? We save a few pennies?

No, I never thought we'd be here like this.

Ha! I guess I owe the both of you.

Eat my ass, Chuck.

What kind of person does that to his own daughter?

I mean, why wouldn't you want her to be happy? I love her.

I love her too. She deserves better.

I mean, what could you possibly have offered her, Michael?

You think you're nothing now, but you were always that.

Mike, don't listen to this ass-clown.

Just a kid with his head in the clouds.

And if you don't believe me, believe her.

“Dear Mike, I'm sorry to do this to you

“but I'm not sure of any other way to do it right now.

“I've been thinking this for a long time and I realise something...

We've known each other our entire lives

and it's been amazing, but I don't know anything else other than you.

I'm so proud of you for getting your novel into that writing program.

The world is waiting for you and it's waiting for me too,

and that's why I have to say 'bye now.

It's going to take time, but I have to learn not to love you, Michael.

Goodbye.

Sorry, Michael.

Wish I would have known how my daughter felt about you before

and it could have saved me all the trouble of shooting you.

But I guess things work out in the end, don't they?

Well, gentlemen, it's been illuminating.

I'll see you all in the lab on Monday.

Emily! Mm...

Well, I guess you're a free man now.

They told us we're going to be escorting you back into town.

I just... I wanted to say it's been really an honour working with you,

you know, while mcdoucheball isn't around.

So what's going to happen to them?

They're going back to hq.

I don't know. We'll be heading out in a minute.

In your area.

You ready? Like a fat chick on prom night.

Except that we got ourselves some new orders.

What? That's right.

Boss man don't like loose ends,

and apparently we got one in that convict.

You and me, we're taking him on a ride that he ain't coming back from,

a little rin tin tin type of ride.

What are we? The mafia? I'm not killing anybody.

Gillman, would you shut the fuck up and just do the job?

I mean, are we gonna have a problem here?

He did his job. He took care of his part of the bargain. Why can't we?

I mean, I'm not going to let you do this.

That is the last vagina monologue

I want to hear coming out of your mouth.

Yeah, great. After the lab, we should grab a couple of cold ones.

Maybe we can get susie over in R&D to come out,

do a little R&D on her, if you know what I'm saying, man.

Great. I'll run it by Bob. Over and out.

Hey, Bob. You down for grabbing a few?

“Why are you so stupid, Emily? What's your problem, Emily?”

Blah, blah, blah. “Do this, Emily. I suck.”

Hello, sir.

Gillman, get the fuck out of my way. I'm relieving you of this mission.

What?

I said no.

Well...

Sonofabitch!

Sir...

Looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned team-up here. Nice.

Alright, so where does this girl of yours live?

Pull over. Let me out. What?

Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

I mean, this is nuts, Brent. What are we doing? I...

It's over. Is this about the letter?

That's bullshit, man.

I've had restraining orders a lot worse and that didn't stop me.

She deserves better than this.

So you're just going to give up like that?

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing.

Well, good. Makes things a whole lot easier.

I guess we should just lay down here and die, huh?

I mean, after all, we're already dead.

Pull over.

No. Keep driving. No, pull over.

Keep driving. Pull over.

Alright. Make up your damn minds.

Listen, Mike, all I know is that my best friend can't give up now

after everything we did to get here.

You might not know that she loves you,

but I know for damn sure that you love her

and iwouldn't be any kind of best man

if I didn't help you get that ring to her.

It's worth a shot. He who dares wins.

So you're my best man now, huh?

Abso-fucking-iutely.

Right there. Head him off.

Alright. Let's go. Move, move, move.

We have you trapped. Hold position.

Is this all for me?

I think we're good.

What?

Right here. Alright.

Thanks, Brent. No prob.

Go find your girl. I will.

Don't be a whiny bitch about it. Ok.

You'll do fine.

Flawless victory.

Brent: Hey, dipshit. Huh?

This is from my boy, cheese.

Hey, buddy. Are you ok?

Am I ok? You got hit by a Van.

Oh, that was nothing. Come on.

You know that shit I said about your appearance not mattering?

Yeah. I might have lied.

Don't be mad 'cause I'm prettier than you.

Ok.

Whoa! Whoa. Coming up.

Ok. I'm good. I'm good. You got it?

There you are. Oh, yeah. Give me my arm.

I hope she's home.

Yeah. Yeah, that would suck.

Oh, no. Oh, Jesus.

No, no. How do I look? Anything in my teeth?

No. You're fine. Looks good. You're good.

Alright. Thanks, buddy. Ok.

Mike... Mike: Ellie.

I have to tell you something. Oh, god! What happened to you?

Go inside. Go inside, Ellie.

What? No! What...

Listen to me, pumpkin. These guys are dangerous.

They'll do harm to you and they'll do harm to me.

No, you've got to listen to me. Hey. It's ok, sir.

I just need a minute of her time, alright?

You owe me that. You shot me in the face, so...

Fuck. I promise.

Here goes.

Ok.

Um, I don't know how to say it, so I'll just say it.

I died. We died.

Actually, your dad killed me and turned me into a zombie

for some sort of military agenda that I don't really understand.

Not cool, man.

And then he sent his cronies after us,

including that fuck face right there that Brent knocked the shit out of.

Mike, I... no, it's ok. Um.

It's kind of funny.

If your dad had had a little bit more Patience,

he would have realised that you didn't want me anymore

and I might still be alive.

But it's fine. It's fine.

What's done is done and all that matters is that...

Is that I'm here right now.

I know, Ellie, that I could never offer you anything in the world

and I can't offer you anything now, but I'm not asking for anything.

I just...

I had to see you one last time...

And I had to be sure that you knew how much I loved you...

How much I still love you.

This is for you...

To remember me.

Oh, god. I got you. I got you.

Goodbye, Ellie.

Alright. I'm all yours.

That was amazing.

Did she watch me walk away?

I think she's looking at me.

This is a little too Sundance and butch Cassidy for me.

Yeah.

Wait! Oh, thank god.

I love you too.

Really? Yes.

Don't make me say it again in front of all these people.

I never wanted to leave you, Mike.

I just didn't want you to give up on your dreams for me.

But I didn't need to go.

I've just lived through the craziest story ever

and I think I've just thought of the perfect ending.

Ellie, this is Brent.

Very nice to meet you, Brent.

Likewise, beautiful lady.

This is great, isn't it? Look at this. Look at this.

Oh, come on, everybody.

You gotta give the audience what they want, huh? Come on.

Song: J' fading out

j' gonna send the train out tonight

I how do we reach the start

I if we don't say hi?

I how do we reach the start

I if we don't say hi?

J' reach the start if we don't

j' say hi

I come on, just say hi

J' afraid... j'

ooh. That hurt.

Oh, my god! Do you love it?

It's like eating a snow cone with goat ball hair all over it.

I so take the time to know just what it means... j“

I don't know what the hell's going on.

I love you too.

Oh, shit balls.

You fucking disgust me, you fuck fuck fuck.

I just feel so gay on that one.

16. Take five.

Hold on. I wasn't ready. I'm sorry.

Oh, I don't have my glasses on. Fuck and balls. Sorry.

Oh, sonofabitch. I don't have my glasses on.

Temple of boom.

Daddy wants some mashed potatoes.

What the hell was that?

Don't have a clue what I'm supposed to say right now. Thank Jesus.

Not like any person in their right mind would pick up assholes like...

Fucking ball sac in my mouth. Ok.

I fucking love you.

I want to have your babies. Donkey balls.

Vagina mcvaginastein.

Lick me, baby, you sonofabitch.

You shut your fucking mouth, you zombie-loving convict

with your wife-beater, Stanley Kowalski, 'taxi driver' bullshit.

I say hi, say hi, say hi

j' yeah. I