All language subtitles for A Perfect Man (2013) 1080p

Excuse me.

You wouldn't happen
to have an aspirin, would you?

Do I look
like a pharmacy?

No, but you
look like somebody

who wouldn't let
a guy suffer needlessly.

Tylenol do?

Thanks.

You don't look
like you're in pain.

Oh, just got off
a flight from London

with a music student who was
drumming her way

through tchaikovsky's sixth
the entire flight.

The sixth doesn't
have a drum part.

That's what I told her.

Ahem.

Thank you.

I'm flying out tomorrow.

And here
I just flew in.

Well, they say timing
is everything.

I thought
that was location.

I have my certification
boards tomorrow.

In what?

Embalming.

Ow.

I need my sleep.

"And sleep
nowhere is peaceful

but here among
the dead."

How you doin'?

No, no, no, remember
the complete quote

follows
the chapter heading?

I thought you were seeing
my mother this morning.

We decided this
in the meeting last week.

She insisted
on running with us.

Jesus, you think
she'd lighten up.

I mean, it's her vacation,
for Christ's sake.

You know,
when I was a kid,

she used to
pick me up at school

in these
white go-go boots

like some
aging disco diva.

Very embarrassing.

Where is
my manuscript?

The sex book?

- Autobiography.

Uh-huh.
Hello.

Yes, bring
the galleys over here.

Thank you.

She's a very
interesting woman.

I have invited her
out running with us.

Did you remember
the champagne?

Champagne.

I thought
you were champagne.

No, I'm flowers, catering,
and guest list.

You were champagne.

Jesus, what's he doing?

Happy anniversary.

- Hey!
- What?

Embalming?

I thought you'd like that.

It was good.

Thank you.

Bye, guys.

Busy girl.

James' father?
Do I miss him?

Honey, I missed him
more when he was alive.

James always said
he wasn't much of a father.

He wasn't
much of anything,

but that could
just be the rage,

hurt, and boredom
talking.

Good morning,
everyone.

Ah, morning.

Martha, this is
my mother-in-law, abbie.

Hi.

And that's Lynn,
who I'm working with.

- Hello, abbie.
- That's Martha.

Hi, Lynn. I'm Martha.

So why'd you
marry him anyway?

Because he was there.

You get married
because you think you need

another person to
validate your existence.

Oh, my gosh.
You don't really mean that.

Well.

Trouble again?

Just the usual.

Some days,
I just want to stay in bed

with the covers
over my head.

That's why God
invented shopping.

Which reminds me,

I've got to buy something fabulous
to wear tonight,

so I'm gonna go now.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Okay. Well, everybody

is going to start
arriving around 9:30.

I'll be there.

Nine years.
Who would believe it?

None of mine
lasted more than four.

Bye-bye!

They must have had
an expiration date.

Is she
always so, uh...

What's the word
I'm looking for?

Yes.

Well,
at least she's human.

I'm convinced
my mother-in-law

is an early experiment
in recombinant DNA.

No!

I have yet to discover
the singular charm

of the mother-in-law.

Oh, my God, no!

Give me a break!

Come on!

Ohh!

I really
should get going.

Why? I thought we were
gonna go to lunch?

Oh, I'm sorry,
something came up.

Oh, the kids, yeah.

No, an old friend.

Oh. Well,
she can join us.

Well, no, I promised
to meet her in the city.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll see you
at the party.

Nice meeting you.

Bye.

So I finished
the new draft.

Well, are you
going to tell me,

or do you enjoy
watching me sweat?

I think we're ready
to go to galleys.

Really?

No, I don't think so,
not yet.

Oh.

It's a great story,
Lynn.

Isn't that your friend?

That is weird.

What?

That's just not the way
to the city.

Maybe she's
gone home to change...

Into a werewolf.

The undead?

I mean,
have you no curiosity?

This is
so Charlie's angels.

Oh, Martha hates
the city.

Maybe she heads
for a dim, smoky bar,

dons sunglasses
and a gypsy bandana.

She signals to a man

with darkly arab features
and scuffed shoes,

and he takes her
to a room in the back

where men and boys
are doing

unmentionable things
to each other,

clouded by opium
and broken dreams.

Aw.

Well, so much
for that theory.

What?

That is one of
his and James' projects.

She must
be meeting pieter.

Her husband.

How dull.

Wow.

What is it?

Nina,
where are you going?

Are you going
to tell me?

Son of a bitch,

I gave him that bike
on his last his birthday.

Who?

My husband. Get in.

Jesus.

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

You're scaring me.

You should be, you know,

yelling, crying,
throwing something.

No, yelling
was the first time.

Second time,
was crying,

and I think throwing things was
around number four.

You just have to deal
with it, you know.

You're not going to be

some pre-liberation
model wife, circa 1954,

you know, throwing a tizzy
just because ward

is screwing around
with one of June's closest friends,

not to mention the wife of one of
his closest friends.

But that's just not the way
I deal with things.

You know, I'm about
putting things into perspective

and intellectualizing,
rationalizing.

I mean, I know how to deal with
these trivialities.

Nina, I think that maybe you
should let me drive or pull over.

I don't know who I am,

because this sure
as hell isn't the person

that I started out to be.

I'm just going to deal with it.

I'm going to go on
with my fucking day,

and I'm going to have
my fucking party,

and I'm going
to deal with things

in my own fucking repressed way until...

Nina!

- Goedemorgen.
- Hey.

Finally.
Any word from Wendell?

Why would he call me?

Relax.
It's a long flight.

He probably
wants to settle in.

This is
the copy for Terry.

Yeah, right.
Once it's out there,

it's not like
we can turn around

and sell it to
the Japanese, you know.

That's a good idea,

turn around and sell it
to the Japanese.

I like that.

Let me know if he calls!

I will!

Gulliver's travels,
goedemorgen.

Hi, Victoria.
This is James ferguson.

I'd like
to make a reservation.

Hi, James. When would you
like to fly?

Um...

How about the, uh, 24th?

I'll be traveling
with Mrs. ferguson.

Let me pull up
your file.

Any particular
destination,

or do you want me
just to pick one?

I'm sorry?

Any particular
destination,

or do you want me
just to pick one?

Uh...

I'm sorry.

I should have thought of that
before I called you.

Uhh...

Madrid is beautiful
this time of year.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Sounds great.

Are you serious?

- Yeah, book it.
- Okay.

- Thanks, Victoria.
- Bye.

Bye.

No, don't let's
just stay this way.

They'll be lining up,
sweetheart

no, let them.

I just want one kiss.

Always.

So I realized I couldn't
make a bit of noise

or the gestapo
would hear.

But with a knife,
you know,

you have to hit
a major artery to make it quick,

which isn't
always so easy.

Oh, how awful.

I have to say
good-bye to someone.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, it was
so good seeing you.

- Nina.
- Hi.

Wow!

Yeah, pieter's latest
trinket of appeasement,

and I didn't
even have to threaten

to cut my wrists
this time.

Mart!

I thought we were
coming over together.

It just made more sense

to come straight
from the office.

Last minute preparations
for the aussie.

Good
you could make it at all.

I, uh...
I need to freshen up.

Oh.

Your elevator's
out again.

What's that they say?

Life's a bitch,
and then you marry one.

Oh, Jesus.
Next time I fly,

they're going to ask me
to check these bags.

Men always think
it's funny, you know,

how women come
to the bathroom in pairs, but...

I guess it's
just a bonding thing.

Men like to compete.

Exactly.

Hey.

I'm really glad
that you're here.

Did you think
I wouldn't come?

No.

It's just good to be
surrounded by friends.

Yeah.

Hi, James.
How are you?

Let me introduce you
to a friend.

Sorry, what's your name?

Hi, mirije.

Mirije, James.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to
meet you, too.

- Enjoying the party?
- Very much.

- Good.
- See you later.

See you.

Hello. By the way,

can you tell me,
who's that woman?

It's my mom, hendrik.

Your mom?

Abbie.

Thank you.

May I have this dance?

I'd like to tell

a nice story
about the gestapo.

I'm not falling yet.

Don't save me before.

Parents are just
too willing to believe

that every
little thing they do

has great significance.

You know, like
the guy who's a serial...

Oh! Serial killer.

Don't you hate it
when that happens?

Just because he didn't get

that toy he wanted
for Christmas.

Well...

What?
Is she making a speech?

I think so, yes.

Well, no,
it's getting late,

and I better say this now

while I still
have the strength.

I'll just sit down.

I think that friendships

are the touchstones
of our lives.

They define who we are,

along with, of course,
those whom we've loved.

Love and friendship,

and how nice
when you can combine them,

right, James?

Well, of course,
we have had our little,

what would you say,
storms from time to time.

Oh, but
what marriage hasn't?

I've always thought
the key to our success

has been the space
that we give each other.

Actually, the space
that I give to James.

Um...

Me, I've always found
the space in this apartment

more than adequate,

but, um, James,
on the other hand...

James likes his freedom.

And without it,
to be honest,

this marriage wouldn't
have made it this far.

So, um...

This will be
our last anniversary party.

I just have one final request,
and that is...

A final toast to us.

Nina, why don't
we go upstairs?

No, James, I think
you owe me this much.

There's no anger
in my heart, not anymore.

After all, you can't
blame the scorpion

for stinging you,
can you?

To all the women
from New York to Amsterdam

who have selflessly
lent their bodies

to the maintenance
of this marriage.

It didn't mean
anything, Nina.

You know that.

Well, maybe they didn't
mean anything to you,

but they meant
something to me.

I'm sorry.

That was easy.

Would you stop
for a second? Stop.

I'd jump
off the balcony,

but you know
heights and me.

Get out of my way.

Get out of your way?

I'm not
in your way, Nina.

I...I, you know...

On the contrary,
I just want to help.

Lets see, what are
you going to need, huh?

Food! Food, right?

You can't go on a long trip
without anything to eat, huh?

You never know, huh?

A party!
What do you think, babe?

Margaritas, huh?

We all know how much
Nina loves a party.

That stuff in there.

Check the bathroom,
sweetheart?

Let me see.
Oh, right!

Don't want you
getting a hangover.

No. Here we go.

A little aspirin
in there.

Sorry, babe.

I couldn't find your toothbrush,
but I did find...

This, look at that,
just sitting there on the sink.

Never know,
it might come in handy.

You feel better now?

No.

No.

No, that
would be too easy.

No.

I'll forget who I am
and what I need to do.

He stays.

He goes with me.

Stays.

You hate walking him.

Yeah, but I do it,
don't I?

Come here, lar.
Good boy.

Where are
you going to stay?

With a friend.

Friend?
Is that a euphemism?

I have no use
for euphemisms, James.

I never had.

I love you,

and it's never
been about that.

Well, it's one big space,

but you have a choice...
couch or tub.

I can stay in a hotel.

Oh, it'll be fun,

like campfire girls.

That only happens
about 80 times a day.

I hate to put you out.

Are you kidding?

How many
first-time authors

get to bunk
with their editor?

More than you think.

Besides, it'll give us a chance
to work on the book.

Damn.

What?

I left my laptop
back at the apartment.

You have
to go back sometime.

I'll just go
when he's not around.

Ohh!

Hey, there's still
a world out there

for a couple
of single gals.

Remember casual sex?

Remember romance?

Remember the possibility
of being surprised?

- Campfire girl?
- Hmm?

You expect me to believe
that you were a campfire girl?

What?

A girl can dream.

Shut up.

I'm so depressed.

It was amazing.

You were fantastic,
thank you.

Urinals.

Oh, God!

Come on.

There's a whole
'nother world out there.

Yeah, it's like
a whole other galaxy.

Whoa!

We're thinkin' Tequila.

It's just
one of those nights.

Lemon and salt?

Straight up.

See you guys later?

I think you fucked
my mom?

Laura winter?

Maggie's daughter?

Maggie winter.

Oh.

Cool out. It's water
under the bridge.

Wow.

So what are you doing
here in Amsterdam?

Oh, I'm
on my summer vacation,

and I thought I'd come and see
how the hippies lived.

Well, you picked
the right place.

How are your, uh...

Parents? Is that the word
you're looking for?

Yeah.

They're divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

No, don't worry.
It wasn't you.

Turns out he
was screwing the help...

my nanny.
Would you believe it?

Whoa! Whoa!

If it ain't
the lone fuckin' ranger.

You better come up
with one hell of a line, son,

'cause these two cowgirls
have heard them all.

Actually, I wanted to ask

if we might buy
you two ladies a drink.

Hmm...

I don't
think that cuts it,

but let me ask
my associate.

Sorry, partner,

but you and Tonto
have a nice night.

Wooster.
I graduate this year.

College?

High school.

I'm fucking with you.

Of course, college.

Do the math.

Makes me legal.

Oh.

How about
a second chance?

Why not?
I'm feeling generous.

Okay, I heard this
in a movie once:

"You come here
very often?"

Well, I'll give you this.
You got a sense of humor.

I'm Lynn,
this is Nina.

Well, I hope we're
not bothering you.

Mister, you don't know me
well enough to bother me.

But the night is young.

That's the kind
of talk I like.

You don't say much,
do you?

Uh...

- I like your hat.
- You think so?

Well, you're
the first woman in my life

who loves my hat.

I like
the village people.

You know, men who wear
their hats indoors

- are always bald.
- Bald.

I love
to surprise people.

Kind of made a career
of that myself.

Here, take it.

- No.
- Keep it!

Yeah, it suits you.
Keep it

want to dance?

What the hell.

Well,
we better get going.

Past his bedtime.

Yeah, I should try
and find my friends.

It was nice running
into you.

Actually,
I ran into you,

but I'll let it slide.

Okay.

Shall I say hi
to my mom for you?

Yeah! Tell her I think
she did a fine job.

Are you still married?

Hmm?

Are you still married?

Yeah.

Sort of.

Yeah, I met a guy
in prison once.

He, uh, "sort of"
killed somebody.

We're separated.

Oh, cool.

This is
where I'm staying,

if you want to get
together, you know...

"Sort of" call me?

Hmm?

- Okay.
- Hmm?

See ya.

She is really something,
your friend.

Yeah, she is.

Hey, cowboy, I gotta
tell you something.

So what is
the book about?

It's about her life.

She's pretty young
for a biography, isn't she?

Uh, not really.

- Fuck off to America!
- Lynn!

Rotten whore!

Hey, I was
being honest with you.

Fuck off to America!

- Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm fine.

I can deal with this.

No, I don't want to
watch you deal with this.

They are queers!

Homos!

Homos!

Cocksuckers!

Hey!

Men... they are always
looking for perfection.

Uch, and what's
perfection, right?

I don't know.

I guess I just thought
he could handle it.

What is it
with guys anyway?

They are so insecure.

Moroccan red?

Oh, let me.

No, no, no, I got it.
It's on me.

Oh, my God. I have
not done this since college.

One hit.

Isn't it our past what
makes us most interesting?

You are one hell of an editor,
you know that?

As only a first-time author
could know.

No, I'm serious.

I am, too.

What the hell are you
doing here anyway?

What? What do you...
what, uh, hmm?

I mean...

For me,
Amsterdam was a haven.

Mm-hmm.

Let's just say that
thomasville, Georgia, isn't exactly

the open-mindedness
capital of the South.

Are you okay?

The world
just turned sideways.

What?

Why are you here?

Gosh, uh...

I mean, we were
in New York, and...

It was near perfect,

and then he got offered a position
in pieter's firm, and...

You gave up your dream
to follow your man.

I know.

Oi.

Ay yi yi.

I'm living a cliche.
Oh, my God, no.

No, it was not that.
We needed a fresh start,

and we were...
We were going to have babies,

and it was
just going to be idyllic,

and it just turned out...

Ugh, I'm sorry.

My problems just seem
so ordinary.

Hey, those can
be the hardest sometimes.

I have known what
I wanted since I was 6.

Yeah, turn the pharaohs
on their heads.

Flip Egypt upside down.
I like that.

Ah, bloody
terrible flight, too.

Got a redback spider
in my luggage.

Don't want to get bit
by one of those.

They'll
kill you straight away.

Well, that's really
quite an amazing story.

You heard
of the redback, James?

No, no, I don't.

Redback spider... one of 14 deadly species
we have in Australia,

home to more deadly species
than any other continent.

Did you know that?

Yeah, I think I saw
that on discovery.

Not only spiders,
snakes as well.

Got one little beauty
called the death adder.

Lives under the sand.

Take one step
in the wrong place,

dead in two seconds.

Getting back to the structure,
um, we thought...

I like it.

I'm looking for something
bold, exciting,

capture the imagination.

Yeah, Melbourne,
it's boring.

It's like having sex
with your wife.

Well, not yours.

"The wife," "our wives."

We, um, appreciate

that you
like the concept, and...

Yeah,
the inverted pyramid, I do.

Do you have
a cup of sugar?

Sugar?

You know, it's white,
powder, kind of sweet?

Yeah, yeah,
I'll get you some.

I'm sorry
to hear about Nina.

Jesus, the whole building
know already?

There you go.

I only need a cup.

Oh, it's all right.

I'm, uh, taking my coffee
black these days.

I heard you
walk by my door.

Yeah.

So how do you feel
about chocolate chip cookies?

How do I feel about
chocolate chip cookies?

Uh, I...
I think they're great.

Maybe you come by later
for a taste.

Hello?

Mr. ferguson?
This is Victoria.

Hi, Victoria.
Thanks for getting back to me.

How can I help you?

Uh, I need to cancel
those reservations I made.

Hmm, is everything okay?

Yeah, just that, uh,
Mrs. ferguson

isn't gonna
be able to make it.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.

Well, it's just one of those situations
that can't be helped.

You know, Victoria,
there's a lot about me

you might
find surprising.

I guess that depends
on who's doing the surprising.

Yes, yes, it is.

Would you like me
to change it to another date?

No, I don't think
Mrs. ferguson and I

are gonna be going anywhere
in the near future.

Oh, seems such
a waste to cancel.

Yes, it does,
doesn't it?

Well, I'd love to go.

Oh, you want to go
with me instead?

Actually,
I just went last year.

Pick somewhere else.

I love Rome.

Thanks, Victoria.

I don't know,
just for being a friendly voice.

You know, we ought to
get together

and actually meet
in person one of these days.

Oh, Larry!

Oh, boy.

Thank you. Bye.

No, Larry, please stay.

Stay, stay.

Hey, what are you
yelling about?

Come here.

What's going on, huh?

What's bugging you?

Yeah,
I miss her, too.

I know.

She was just a voice
on the phone, my God.

Don't you get it?

That's
what makes it exciting.

He can project
his best fantasy onto a voice

and never be disappointed.

And he
can be himself.

God, what happened?

You want to know
the biggest trick

feminism ever played
on women?

Making them think they were
as detached from sex as men.

But you want
to attach a face,

a pair of hands,
a personality.

To a man, all that specificity just
diminishes the experience.

Why do you think you play
those silly games with him,

picking each other up
at bars?

You're trying
to trick yourselves

into seeing the familiar
as the new.

I wish I had a window
into his head.

Hello?

Met janneke Van De Kamp.
Is Laurence thuis?

You got
the wrong number.

But...

Hello?

Oh, sorry
to bother you again.

Is this 912-6673?

Yeah, you got
the right number,

but the only Laurence here
is my dog, Larry.

- That fucker.
- Actually, he's neutered.

Neutral?

No, neutered.

- That, uh...
- Oh.

means when
they cut off the...

it's not important.

No. Well, um, this guy
I met at the melkweg the other night

gave me this number.

Oh.

You have a nice voice.

No, I didn't...

- no, no, that's okay.
- Thank you.

- No.
- Very nice of you.

Yes, again,
uh, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Hello, Dutch girl.

Well, you have
a dog named Larry?

Yeah, my wife named him.

Oh.

Uh, actually,
we're separated.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

She named him
after csonka.

What is csonka?

Oh, he's
a football player,

a very famous
American running back.

You know
American football?

Yeah, all right,
you use your hands.

No, that's right.
You use your hands.

Um...

So, do
you have a name?

Mmm, janneke.

Janneke. It's nice
to meet you, janneke.

I'm James.

Sorry about Larry,
your Larry.

I mean, lau...
Laurence.

- Laurence?
- No.

Laurence.
Uh, well, James,

it probably wouldn't
have worked out anyway.

He never took his hat off
the whole evening.

His hat?

Oh, bald guy, huh?

Yeah, like
it's such a big thing.

Why do men think
that's all we care about,

you know, the physical?

Well, maybe 'cause
it's so important to us.

- Oh...

You couldn't love
a bald woman?

Uh, actually, no.

Well, at last,
an honest man.

Look, janneke,
I got to run.

It was nice talking
to you, though, huh?

You, too.

Okay, bye.

Tot ziens.

Where'd you get
that big cheeseball?

Go!

Yeah!

Hi.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi.
Where's Larry?

In there making my bed.

Yes!

Go play.

We were, uh, just
in the neighborhood.

You're a lousy liar,
pieter.

He insisted on stopping by
to see how you were doing.

Of course, I knew
you were just fine.

Of course, I'm fine.

I was just going to
have a little bit of cotes du rhone.

You want to join me?

Pieter?

- Huh? No, no.
- No?

Yeah, sure.

You look like hell,
by the way.

Oh, thank you.

That would be
the, uh, glow of freedom.

You, on the other hand,
look absolutely stunning.

How about a nice stroll
in the vondelpark?

Vondelpark?

Yeah, vondelpark.

Sunlight, tourists,
sounds good.

Yeah, okay?

Good. Yeah, fine.

Go get the kids,
will you?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

It's a little stifling
in this apartment.

Yeah, might
be the coat, Martha.

James, come on.

What's that smell?

Uh, cheeseballs.

I just couldn't
get away from him today.

Get away?

Yeah, Nina is gone,
so I thought, we...

Want to go?

Yeah! Let's go.

Martha, you ready?

Think you can get rid
of the bottle?

It's legal to drink
in public, pieter.

It's one of the reasons
I moved to Amsterdam.

I know, but we might run
into a client, come on.

You know, I never quite trust
a guy who hasn't spent

at least a night in jail.

How do you know
I haven't?

He knows, pieter.

Yeah? Think
you know me so well?

Well, that's
the problem. I do.

I've had
my wild days.

What did you do,
pee in public?

Little warm
for the leather, isn't it?

Come on, James.

You know quite well
it's a symbol of love.

All right.

Right, pieter?

Why are you
defending him?

I'm not defending him.
I, you know...

Thought you might be
a little warm, that's all.

You have an erratic
sense of loyalty.

I'll say.

Why didn't you call me?

Wasn't a good time.

I'm leaving him.

Course, he doesn't know it yet,
but that's pieter.

Right there?

It just... it doesn't work
for me anymore.

It will be rough
on the kids,

but now that you're free,
I thought...

No, no, Martha.

I'm... I'm feeling a lot
of things right now,

but freedom is
very low on the list.

Nina?

Nina?

I couldn't bring myself
to sit down

in an apartment
so filthy.

Yeah, well,
opening the windows

isn't gonna make it
any cleaner, ma.

"Hello, mother."

"Thanks for
stopping by, mother."

"Thanks for caring
about me

in my hour of need,
mother."

Do you have to be
so dramatic all the time?

I thought drama would be
in the spirit of things,

considering what happened
here the other night.

Yeah, well, maybe, uh...

Maybe I'm tired of
considering the other night.

I don't think
you've started yet.

Oh!

What are you doing,
James?

I don't know, ma.
Why don't you tell me, huh?

Do you think
you're the only man

to discover his wife doesn't look
as good over morning coffee

as she did over champagne
and candlelight?

Thank you. I had no idea
it was so simple.

You just solved
the riddle of male sexuality.

So what is your excuse?

Men are dogs, right?

They just hump
the nearest bitch,

and it doesn't
mean anything.

Dogs
don't make choices!

Okay, I made
the wrong choice.

Is that
what you want to hear?

I fucked up.

People fuck up.

Don't you want to see the face
of the one you love

when you wake up
in the morning?

Oh, my God.

Don't blame her
for growing up first.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, no.

Who the fuck are you
to tell me anything about relationships?

You think I don't remember
what it was like, huh?

If you're such a...

Such a fucking expert,
mom,

tell me, how come
you could never stay married?

I'm better in theory
than in practice.

Consider it
a family trait.

Oh, God.

Mmm.

Met wim.

Hi, wim,
this is James ferguson.

Hello, James.
Uh, nice party.

Yes, it was.

Listen, I was wondering
if you've, uh, heard anything from Nina.

I mean, I'm trying to find out
where she's staying.

Nina? No.

No?

No, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Hi, Fran, it's James.

Hello, James.
Are you okay?

Yeah.

Listen, I wanted to know

if you'd heard
anything from Nina.

No, I haven't
seen Nina.

No?

Bingo.

Met janneke Van De Kamp.

Hello, janneke.

Yeah?

Hi, this is James.

We spoke earlier.

James.

Oh, yes, the dog.

Yeah.

I hope I'm not disturbing
you or anything.

Not at all.

I was just watching
a nature documentary.

Oh, I see.

Well, I was just
calling because, uh...

I'm sorry.
I really don't know why I'm calling.

I just...
I've been looking for my wife and, uh...

And you found me.

Any port in a storm?

No, no, it's not...
it's not that.

It's just that
I, uh...

Ahem.

Well, I enjoyed our conversation,
and I thought...

Cheaper
than psychotherapy.

Yes. Yes, it is.

Um...

Have you
ever been married?

Uh... Yes.

Once.

What happened?

Uh-uh-uh.

You called me,
remember?

I understand if you don't
feel like talking about it.

You're just a voice
on the phone.

Well, don't you think that makes it
a little easier?

So you can imagine me
any way you want?

Right now, I think it's better
if I imagine you

as a 300-pound
paraplegic.

Well, maybe it's best if we keep
a few secrets from each other.

I'll tell you what,
I'll make you a deal.

What kind of deal?

We'll play a little game.

You can ask me whatever
you want about men.

I will answer you
as honestly as I possibly can,

but then
I get to ask you.

Okay,
but I have conditions.

What?

No personal information.

Sounds fair.

And you agree
we'll never meet.

Why?

Well, rules are what
separate us from the apes.

That way, we know
we'll always be honest.

As long as we're just
anonymous voices on the phone,

there'll be
no reason to lie.

Do you think lying is an inevitable part
of any relationship?

I think it
becomes more likely,

but we
always have choice.

That's funny.

What?

That's exactly
what my mother said.

A boy should always
listen to his mother.

Yeah, so I've been told.

Do we have a deal?

We have a deal.

You go first.

Okay. Why are women
always so late?

Easy one.
We're fixing our hair.

Why won't men
ask directions?

Too proud.

I knew it.

Your turn.

Does money
really matter?

Of course.

Will a man say anything
to get in a woman's pants?

Absolutely.

Why do women
like older men?

Security, power.

Why do men
like younger women?

Firm tits.
Trust me on that one.

Biggest misconception
men have about women.

That we prefer assholes.

Biggest misconception
women have about men?

That we prefer bimbos,

unless, of course,
they have firm tits.

I think I'm beginning
to detect a pattern here.

I was wondering
when you'd pick that up.

Oh?

What do they want?

What do men want?

That's not fair.

You can't answer
a question with a question.

Why did you let
your wife walk out on you?

Who told you
I let my wife walk out?

You said you were
trying to find her.

I just figured.

I, uh...

I thought we said
no personal information.

I made the rules.
I can change them.

A woman's prerogative.

Look, I have to go.

Tot ziens.

Bye.

Tot ziens?

Did you just do
what I think you did?

What?

And you used my phone.

Well, I couldn't very well use
my own phone number.

What exactly do you hope
to find out

that you don't know after
nine years of living together?

Well, we haven't
talked like that since we first met.

Too bad he wasn't
talking to you.

An architect
with acrophobia.

It's ironic.

Look, uh, pieter,
if this is your idea of a...

I know, James.

She thinks
she's in love with you.

And, somehow,
she's got it in her head

that you're
in love with her.

Do you have any idea
what gave her that notion?

No.

Let's go back down,
pieter, okay?

You're not actually thinking
I might jump, are you?

Don't worry.

In the end, no one
is really in a hurry to die.

You see, James,

you don't like
the heights, but I do.

Up here,

you see the distance
between people,

and for a few minutes,
we convince ourselves

that we're in love,
that we matter,

that we leave
something behind...

a building

or a son.

No, James.

If we ever
allowed ourselves

to see
who we've become,

we couldn't live
with ourselves.

I'm sorry.

I believe you are.

James?

Change before
the lunch with Wendell.

This mobile phone
is currently unavailable.

Please try again.

♪ Don't you have a word

♪ to show
what may be done? ♪

♪ Have you never heard

♪ the way to find the sun?

♪ Tell me
all that you know ♪

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.
Oh, shit.

James.

Hi, James.
There you are.

- Pull up a chair.
- Wendell, hi.

I was running
a little late,

and he hasn't had
a walk all day.

I hope you don't mind.

No, no, not at all.
I like dogs,

except dingoes.

Those are another kettle
of fish entirely.

You know the dingo?

No.

- Australian dog?
- No.

Now, there's
a bad dog, huh?

Strip the skin off
a carcass straight away,

unrecognizable.

Like bloody piranha,
they are.

Well, did your man
get a chance...

Course, we don't get
piranha in Australia.

- Don't get piranha.
- Oh.

Could we get something
a bit larger?

Beer's not meant
to be sipped, you know.

James,
Wendell and I were...

No deadly fish at all,
really,

except for the great white.
Now, there's a fish.

You don't want your feet
dangling in the water

when that bugger's around.

You're dead
in two seconds.

The shark has a mouth
on it the size of a manhole.

Man could fall right in it,

even a man James's size,
right down the hole, gobbled...

- James?
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- James.

We've got animals over there
that cover that.

The crocodile,
he's in the water.

Ahh!

Stay, Larry!

Nina!

Nina!

Come on! Go!

Now we have a full-blown
squatter situation.

You have to deal
with this.

I'm not ready
to deal with this!

You're gonna have
to talk to him

face to face
sooner or later.

Leave me alone!

Fine, I will.

What are you doing?

Trying to bring
down property values?

You look like you could
use a cup of coffee.

Come on.

Come on, lar.

There you go.

Well.

Hmm?

So you can't keep
your mitts off the babes, huh?

Is that what she said?

Certainly seemed
to be the case.

What do you think?

I don't know.

I've been working

on the whole man/woman
thing for years,

and I've, uh, come to the conclusion
that men are dogs.

And the only problem is,
I like dogs.

Hmm?

Do you love her?

Of course, I do.
That was never the question.

What is?

I don't know.

I suppose
if I knew that,

we wouldn't be sitting
here right now.

Look, if anyone can identify
with confusion, it's me.

My God, I've wasted
so much time

trying to be
what other people wanted.

But I wasn't,

and I couldn't.

When I
finally accepted that,

things just seemed
to find their place.

Are you saying
I should get a sex change?

She told you.

Well, she didn't have to.

I mean, mannerisms,
vocal patterns.

No offense, but I think
you'd make a lousy woman.

I remember the first minute
I saw the pyramids,

I knew that's
what I wanted to do.

I imagined some, uh,
10-year-old Egyptian boy

5,000 years before me,

standing in
the exact same spot,

looking at
the exact same structure.

Can you imagine building
something that lasts that long?

5,000 years of history,
and what do we do?

Turn it on its head.

We do this deal,

then I think it's best
that if the partnership is dissolved.

Hey, boys!

Hi, Wendell.

Pieter.

Hi, how are you?

That's my man,
Winston friedmann.

You've heard of friedmann
and friedmann.

Hello.
Nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you.

He's been going
over your specs

like a rat
in a chunk of cheddar.

Yeah?

Problems.
Deal's off.

You're kidding me.

Bloody thing can't be built.

Course, it can be built.

We've run every possible
stress analysis.

The structure is sound.
Look at it.

Sound, all right,
till the wind blows.

This building will stand up
to 160-mile-an-hour winds.

Come on!

It'll do that
all right, mate.

33-mile-an-hour breeze
is your problem.

What?

Harmonics.
Winston?

Tacoma narrows bridge, 1940.

Knocked down
by a 42-mile-per-hour wind.

Engineers hadn't
taken into account...

We've looked at the range
of wind velocity

for every possible
resonant frequency.

You've looked,
but you didn't listen.

This represents a wind

of 33 Miles per hour
on your scale.

On the full-scale version,

this translates
into a resonance feedback loop

peaking
at about 150 decibels.

Little tornadoes would be
generating within minutes.

The windows
would just implode,

and you don't want to be inside
there when this happens.

- Dead in two seconds.

Sorry.

Met janneke Van De Kamp.

- Hi, I need to talk.
- What about?

Uh, well, I think I'm about
to do something pretty stupid.

You ever feel
like your, uh...

Entire life
has been a bad dream

that you just can't
wake up from?

I just lost my job.

James.

Uh, James, I'm sorry.

No! No, no, no, no.

It's good, it's good.

I mean...

Look, I really
need your help, janneke.

Well, I thought
we agreed nothing personal.

Forget the rules, okay?

Well, rules
are important, James.

Yeah, I know, they're what separate us
from the apes.

Janneke,
I'm at her house.

- Who?
- Nina, my wife,

I'm at her house.

I got to talk to her.

I... I'm wasting time.

I got to tell her
I screwed up.

I know that now.

It's like I used to think
that we were defined

by who we slept with,

and I know
that's not true now.

I know
it's who you love,

and she's the only person
that I've ever...

janneke,
you got to help me.

I mean,
what do I say to her?

For Christ sakes,
how do you apologize

to someone who's
never gonna believe

another word you say
for the rest of your life?

I think
you should reconsider.

Nina!
Nina!

Nina!

Nina!
Nina!

James...

What are you doing,
James?

That'd be me.

With over
two decades' experience

in couples counseling.

Hard to believe.

Dr. bouvier
became well-known

for developing
the bouvier system

for relationship
enhancement.

Doctor, what can you tell us
about your latest...

You think you're
going to, you know,

get on with your life
at some point?

You know, the thing
about games,

unless it's solitaire,
you both have to play.

Until you deal with this,
you won't be able to move on.

We have too much history.

Then invent a new one.

Hey, how do I look?

Hmm,
she's really pretty.

Oh, poor baby.

Why don't you
let him in?

He's okay.

No witness,
no crime?

Oh.

What?

Nothing.

Oh, James.

You think we could
do this without the talking?

Yes, I do.

Ooh.

Mmm!

Oh!

Don't tell me
you're feeling guilty.

I'm sorry, but I think
you should probably go.

Ahem.

Huh! My mom said
you were such a stud.

Hey! Larry,
cut that out.

What are you doing?

Hey!

Hey!

James? Hi.

I just wanted to see you
before I left.

You want
to come upstairs?

No, no,
I'm in a hurry,

and I wanted
to answer that question.

What question?

You know, you asked me
why I never stayed married.

Oh, I wanted to... Once.

The one time I was
prepared to stick it out,

he wasn't,

and I had someone else
to think about, too.

Look...

About the other day...

I'm sorry.

Aw.

I love you.

When's your flight?

I cancelled it.

What?

We're going
on a bicycle tour

of world war ii
battle sites.

Ma, hendrik?

He was a hero
during the war.

You know that?

He saved Jews,
lots of them.

Bye.

Okay, I'm ready.

You go first.

- I'm first? Okay.
- Okay.

Are you ready
for the trip?

- Yeah.
- Okay, fine.

It hasn't
stopped ringing.

Met janneke Van De Kamp.

Hi.

Hi.

I need
to talk to you.

Because you don't
really know me?

Because...

Because we've
never really met?

No, because the person

that I really
want to talk to

won't talk to me.

I, uh...

I brought someone
over here tonight.

She was, uh...

Just someone,
you know, anyone.

But I couldn't.

Couldn't what?

She was a...

A fantasy, you know...

young, beautiful,
willing,

but I couldn't.

I started to hate
everything about her.

The way she moved,
the way she talked,

the way she touched
our things like they...

I don't know, I...

Maybe at first,
I, uh...

I thought that somehow

I had forgotten
who I married, you know?

But I realize now
that's it's so much worse,

because without her,

I can't even begin to imagine
who I'm supposed to be.

If only I could tell her
that, you know?

If there was
just some way I could, uh...

What?

James, what would you
tell her?

I would tell her
that I love her,

and that I always have...

And that, in the end,
we become who we pretend to be,

and I don't want to be
that person anymore.

Choices, you know?

We can make choices.

I used to think
I wanted some sort of lifestyle...

a good job, fabulous friends,
all the creature comforts.

But it's gone,
all of it,

and it doesn't matter
to me at all,

because I realize now
that it doesn't mean anything

without
some sort of context.

And that's
what she was...

My context.

What if it's too late?

Then it's too late.

Look, I have to go.

Good-bye, Nina.

Hello?

I've changed my mind.

What do you mean?

I think we should meet.

Right now.
You pick the place.

Look, there's something
I got to tell you.

No, we need to meet.

What about the rules?

The apes?

Fuck the apes.

You wouldn't happen
to have an aspirin, would you?

No.

No. No more games,
okay?

Yeah. It's
just that, uh... Ahem.

I could
really use an aspirin.

I knew.

Oh, I knew you knew.

Yeah.

You never looked better.

No.

I'm moving
back to New York.

Why did you ask me
to meet you here?

I didn't want to tell
you over the phone.

Tell me what?
That you're leaving?

Thank you
very, very much.

Have a nice trip, huh?

Tot ziens.

What did you want?
Why did you call me?

Why?

I had to know.

Had to know what?

Well, janneke was
my way of finding out

why this person that I
thought I knew so well

did what he did.

I tried so hard to be
who you wanted me to be.

Somehow, along the way,
I just, um...

I forgot who I was.

I can live
without you, James.

I cannot live
without myself.

I'm sorry.

I know.

I'm gonna miss Amsterdam.

I wish
I could say the same.

Hey.

It's not as if anything's
keeping you here.