All language subtitles for Victor.Victoria.1995.1080p.BluRay.H264

Nowhere I know.

No matter where I go.

Seduces men like Paris does en
masse.

"The streets of Pigalle, the bars
of Les Halles,"

the brasseries and the cafes
at Montparnasse.

The cabarets and bistros where
the writer or artistegoes

are as much apart of Paris as
La Tour iffel.

The restaurants for the purists.

"The nightclubs for the tourists,"

we have those in abundance
as well.

Paris can be a dangerous affair.

She offers far more follies than
the Follies Bergeres.

"For sheer sophistication plus
some higher education,"

the smarter set can't wait to step
this way.

"For here at club Chez Louis as
you're all about to see,"

we'll tell you straight why gay
Paris is gay!

Hi!

"Paris by night, Paris la nuit."

Seduces us in ways we don't
expect to be.

She has magic from which even a
Houdini can't be free.

'Cause Paris by night has mystery

that's haunted us
and taunted us through history.

Shady secrets she is all too
aware we long to share.

"That's why it is, I guess,"

we all adore her and hunger to
explore her hidden charms.

She fools us all because she's
so capricious

but nothing's more delicious than
to sleep in her arms.

For Paris by night the only way to
realize that all in all

"it's nighttime not the day that
sets her apart,"

wins every heart and makes all
our dreams take flight.

"There's no dream you can't find
in Paris,"

Paris by night.

"Monsieur, it's a pleasure to have
you here at Chez Louis."

"That's why it is, I guess,"

we all adore her and hunger to
explore her hidden charms.

She fools us all because she's
so capricious

but nothing's more delicious than
to sleep in her arms.

"But Paris by night,
you can't condemn."

They say she's really at her best
from 2:00 to 6:00 a.m.

"C'est vrai, she's sublime."

Nighttime's the time.

When all of her dreams
take flight.

"There's no dream you can't find
in Paris,"

Paris by Night.

Thank you. You're very kind.

"In fact, you're every kind."

I see we have a celebrity
with us tonight.

"Miss Simone Kallisto,
star of stage,"

screen and an occasional circus.
Take a bow.

"Up yours, Cheri."

"And speaking of circuses,"

"aren't you Richard DiNardo,"

"Careful, Toddy."

"You know,
you're really not very funny,"

so why don't you just piss off?

You know you should really be
ashamed of yourself

bringing your sweet old mother
to a place like this.

Apologize at once.

Why? Isn't she his mother?

I will not be insulted this way.

We are leaving at once.

I'll be by to pick up my clothes.

If you're not up to climbing
the stairs

I'll be happy to throw them out
the window.

"Listen here, Toddy."

Just because you had a spat
with Richard that

gives you no right to insult
my customers.

"Come on they'd been insulted
so much,"

they'd be insulted if I didn't
insult them.

"I warn you. If you do it again,"

I will fire you in spite of your
bar bill.

Xcuse me. Pardon monsieur.

Good evening.

Good evening.

May I?

Yes.

"Gregor, be a dear and see
if you can drum up"

a nice cup of hot cocoa
for this lady.

No.

And put a stiff shot of brandy in
it to put it on its feet.

"The brandy's easy,"

but I may have to arm wrestle
Madame Roche' for the cocoa.

You'll lose.

I'll cheat.

You'll still lose.

"You were saying, mademoiselle?"

Madame. I was?

"Yes. You got as far as,
"Oh, but...""

"Oh, but...
You see it's like this, I..."

Would it be less traumatic
if I voiced it for you?

"Yes, it might if you can."

I can probably come close.

"Oh but, I'm broke and
I came in here because"

I'm cold and hungry

and I haven't got any place
to stay.

Have I left anything out?

Madame Roche'?

Let me give you a hand with that.

"Xcuse me, what did she say?"

We never know what she says.

"Somehow,
we always know what she means."

Good evening.

"Allow me to introduce
Henri Labisse,"

the proprietor of this gothic
establishment.

How do you do?

Madame...

Grant.

...is from...

ngland.

"You and Toddy are old friends, no?"

Yes. No.

No. Yes.

Madame Grant is hypoglycemic.

"Sometimes,
it's important to eat something"

with a lot of sugar in it.

"I see. Well, may I ask how long
you intend to stay in Paris?"

At least until I stop shaking.

"Actually,
I was hoping to get a job."

"Oh, really? What kind of job?"

Singing.

You're a singer.

Yes.
I'd be happy to sing for you.

"Yes, I'm sure you would."

"But first, there's the small
matter of the bill."

"Oh, the bill."

I'll take care of that.

With what?

Your bar bill is already far more

than what I'd pay you in a year.

"Xcuse me, but 123 francs
for a cup of cocoa?"

"No, of course not.
I'm not a highwayman."

The cocoa is on the house.

Let's call it an even 100 francs
for the 20-year-old brandy.

"For heaven's sake, what ever
happened to Henri Labisse,"

the devil may care entrepreneur?

Who threw caution to the wind...

"Henri Labisse, of course!
Now I remember."

Only this morning Andre spoke
of you.

Andre?

Cassell.

Andre Cassell?

Her agent.

He said he was going to call you
to try to arrange an audition.

I spent Christmas with
Andre perhaps

I can get him to cut his
commission.

Who said anything about
commission?

"Of course if there's no audition,"

I suppose you'll have to explain
to Monsieur Cassell.

"No, no! Really, Toddy."

"If Monsieur Cassell wishes you to
audition for me Madame,"

be my guest.

What? Now?

Why not?

"Well, I have some music,
but I'm afraid I don't play."

Allow me.

Thank you.
It's an old nglish song.

Whenever you're ready.

Yes. It's very nglish.

Trust me.

There's a fairy who hides
in my garden...

Thank you! Thank you!

But I...

"As you can see, Monsieur Labisse,"

I have a legitimate voice.

"Yes, well you see,"

if I was looking

I'd be looking for something
more illegitimate.

I'm sure with a little practice
I could do anything...

"Lady, excuse me, that's like
a nun saying,"

"with a little practice,
I could be a streetwalker."

It has to come naturally.

"That is so right.
And in some professions,"

practice is a minor consideration.

I find it hard to believe
that Andre Cassell

would even consider having you
audition for me.

"No, he didn't."

But you said...

I lied.

"And in spite of what you think
Monsieur Labisse,"

there are some professions where
practice makes perfect.

Yes. Thank you very much.
Aurevoir.

Toddy! That is the last straw!
You're fired!

You can't fire me.

"Oh, no? Why not?"

I can't afford it.

Toddy!

Very well.

"Until you pay your bar bill,"

you're forbidden to step foot
in Chez Louis.

"If you do,
I'll have you thrown out."

Don't make it sound like
such a threat.

Being thrown out of here is

slightly better than being
thrown out of a leper colony.

"Out! That won't happen again,
I promise you."

That's for sure.

Madame Grant.

"Oh, it's you again."

Come on.

Where are we going?

Up.

What's up?

My flat.

"Thank you. You've been very kind,
but no."

"Relax, I'm gay."

That's the nicest thing anyone's
said to me all day.

"Lead on, McDuff."

"With pleasure.
But isn't the correct quote,"

""Lay on, McDuff"?"

"It depends whether you'd rather be
"led on" or "laid on"..."

"It's not much, but it's cozy."

And with little luck I think
I can drum up

a nice cup of strong tea.

"Oh, God."

The quickest route to a British
soprano is cold-hot.

Bless you.

I think I'm catching cold.
Thank you.

Get out of those wet clothes.

Okay. Could I ask you
a personal question?

How long have I been gay?

"No, no. How long have you been
a hypochondriac?"

What makes you think I'm a
hypochondriac?

Just an educated guess.

My ex-husband was.

The day we got married he broke
out with the shingles.

The day we separated his ulcer
perforated.

The day we divorced he lost
all the hair on his body.

You should gargle.

That's a good idea.

What's an nglish soprano doing
in Paris?

She was touring with the Bath
Touring Light Opera Company.

"Why not,
at no sense in spreading germs."

What happened to the Bath Touring
Light Opera Company?

I guess you could say that our
producer took French leave

"with the bankroll.
He was the... You know,"

I think you have a leak up there.

You should stay in bed
and force liquids.

It's only a cold.

A cold tonight could be pneumonia
by the morning.

Are you sure your husband was
a hypochondriac

before he married you?

As soon as my clothes are dry

I'm going to try to sneak back
into my hotel.

"Well, we'll solve everything
tomorrow."

"Right now,"

you're going to put on some
pajamas and climb into bed.

Which bed?

"Well, you're welcome to the sofa,"

but you have my word

this is infinitely more
comfortable and just as safe.

These are for you.

Thank you.
Could I use the bathroom?

As much as you like.

How's the tea?

Almost as good as the brandy.

"If it's of any interest,
I always keep a spare toothbrush"

in the medicine cabinet right
next to the spare toothpaste.

Thank you.

"You know, I'd probably sleep
better if I know your name."

Carol Todd.

"Known as "Toddy" to my friends
who use my toothbrush"

and sleep in my bed.

What do your friends call you?

Victoria.

Never Vicky?

Never twice.

Bless you!

There's nothing more inconvenient

than an old queen with
a head cold.

I think I have a temperature.

"You mean, a fever."

"Verybody's got a temperature
unless,"

"of course, they're dead."

"Here, thank you."

You look better in Richard's
pajamas than he does.

"Of course, he looks better out
of them."

Who is Richard?

Someone who used to stay here
from time to time.

Were you in love with him?

From time to time.

"You know, I shouldn't pry but,"

"if you had your druthers,"

would you rather be...

Normal?

No. Straight.

"If I had my druthers,"

"which I don't... but if I did,
I'd rather be you."

Me?

"Female, like you,
would just be fine."

"Well, I guess I can relate
to that."

"I mean, honestly,"

there have been times
when I wished I were a man.

Why? For heaven's sake!

That's easy.

If I were a man I could do a lot
of things a woman never can.

"Like what, for example?"

Be free to plot and plan.

Free to live my life without
permission from a man.

"Man assumes that the world is
tailor-made for him,"

which it is.

He presumes that the world
indulges every whim if it's his.

"What a fabulous pursuit hands
in pockets, running things..."

I must say it appeals.

"In my $100 suit,"

toying with my golden fob watch
as I make my deals.

Lucky man who is not made to feel
like an old Seiren

What a lovely life I'd plan
if I were a man.

I would build all the tourist
buildings reaching up

to the sky.

I'd explore every far off land
and I would learn how to fly.

What a triumph it would be doing
all that fellows do

but better and with style.

It would be just my cup of tea.

But they would all be furious and
I would simply smile.

As a man I would not need to feel
Like an old Seiren.

Though I know I never can ever
be a man.

"Oh, the life that I would plan
if I were a man."

"Well, would you like to know
what I think?"

"Yes, Toddy, I would like to know
what you think."

I think you'd make a damned
attractive man.

You think so? How do I look?

"Well, well... I can see it didn't
take you very long."

"Oh, boy."

"Richard, couldn't this wait until
tomorrow?"

"No, we're on our way to
Monte Carlo"

and I've come by to pick up
my things.

"So take 'em off, buddy."

I beg your pardon?

I'm particular about who wears
my pajamas.

Since when?

"Look, are you going to
take them off, or am I?"

Let's make a deal.

Forget the pajamas and I'll
forget the money you owe me.

I don't owe you a thing.
You pathetic old faggot!

Get up! You get back in bed!

You broke my nose.

"Yes, and next time pick
on someone your own size."

"I'll get you for this, Toddy."

Get out!

Where did you learn to throw
a punch like that?

Sister Clementine.

That was Richard?

I'm afraid so.

What a horrible human being.

He was jealous. He thought you
were my new lover.

He really thought I was a man.

Yes. He really did.

"He's lucky, I'm not."

My God!

What is it?

"Victoria, I've just had the most
incredible idea."

You said you wanted to be a man.

"No, I said there were times
when I felt like..."

Here' your chance!

What an inspiration!

Urope's greatest female
impersonator.

Who?

You!

Me?

You'll be a star.

You'll be bigger than Garbo
and Dietrich by far.

Trust me.

"Oh, come on."

If fate is kind you could
be Miss Tingette

and Chevalier combined.

Trust me.

"Oh, sure."

"The trick for a drag queen is
trying to act like a woman,"

which very few can but the fact
is a drag queen's a man.

So what are you saying?

You're not a man

I noticed.

You're a woman they'll think
is a man!

What a plan!

Toddy!

Trust me.

Toddy! This is crazy.

Now being a girl they all think
is a man sets

their minds in a whirl

"Mine, too."

Trust me. No! Trust me.

All you have to do for the dream
to come true is go out there

and be what you are and we'll
make you a world famous star

You're delirious.

Lower your voice.

Toddy.

Lower.

Toddy.

There it is. Caruso not Charlie...

If you don't get back into bed...

Good! When you get angry it
lowers naturally.

"Look, you don't have to do
anything new."

Simply do what you do when
you're you

I don't do that!

And the audience won't have
a clue.

"It's true! So, for your plan..."

My plan?

"To succeed and it can,"

they must think you're a man.
Trust me. Trust me!

If you're a man

Which I'm not!

You'll be the greatest star
since show business began

Go on!

Trust me!

No!

Trust me!

No!

The beauty of this is like all
great ideas

it's as simple as simple can be.

It's simple all right.

And we'll have each other
to thank.

For what?

For our penthouse at the
George's Cigna!

It's a free ride to the bank.

The left bank!

Not if you trust me!

Should I?

Trust me!

Could I?

"Trust me! Victoria, it will work."

It will not.

People believe what they see.

And tomorrow afternoon Andre
Cassell is going to meet

urope's greatest female
impersonator.

Andre Cassell is the biggest
agent-producer in Paris!

"I mean, if I'm the greatest,"

how come he's never heard of me?

"You're the greatest, but you're
unknown outside Poland."

Poland?

"You're Count Victor Grezinsky,
a Polish aristocrat."

Your family disowned you when they
discovered you were gay.

"We met in Warsaw, fell in love
and I brought you to Paris."

This is all very clear now and
this cannot fail.

I agree.

"To get both of us dumped in some
grim Paris jail, Toddy,"

trust me.

"No, trust me."

Victoria Grant's got a much better
chance singing Tosca

in Clatanon 'C'.

My proposal is not that bizarre.

"Yes, it is!"

At Cassell's you'll become a huge
star!

Toddy.

It's about who they think that
you are...

Hold it!

What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's right?

"I mean, a woman pretending
to be a man,"

pretending to be a woman.

"Darling, to convince
an audience that an illusion"

is real the magician creates
a plausible diversion.

Count Grezinsky is our plausible
diversion.

But no audience is that gullible.

"I mean, they'll know he's a phony."

Xactly.

What?

They'll know he's a phony.
Trust me

"All right, ladies."

Let's see all of those nice legs.
Very nice.

Lovely.

"You are so beautiful tonight,
all of you!"

You know that?

Very nice.

"All right. Less flirting,
more dancing."

Come on. Legs!

And guys!

"Move it, come on."

Arms!

And break.

And girls!

All together now.

Come on! Do it for Mr. Cassell!

Yes! Very nice!

Your hard work is very good.
Go home.

Curtain is 9:30. 9:30 curtain.

Andre! Andre!

Just a moment! Just...

I'm Carol Todd.
We're old friends.

Sophie Selmier.

I've been with Monsieur Cassell
15 years.

"I think it's safe to say
I know all his friends,"

especially the old ones.

Your employer attended
my Christmas party.

"Oh, that makes you an old friend."

He stayed until New Year's.

Andre! Carol Todd.

"Christmas, '32."

Hot Toddy.

"Oh, my God."

"Toddy, I'm sorry I didn't
recognize you out of uniform."

He played Santa Claus.

"Yes, and you put a chair upside
down on your head"

and declared that you were one
of my reindeer.

"Prancer, wasn't it?"

I really don't recall.

"What can I do for you, old friend?"

"It's more what I can do for you,
old friend."

"Andre, I want you to meet
Count Victor Grezinsky,"

the world's greatest female
impersonator.

Count?

"Count, if you please."

"Oh, yes."

Did you break anything?

Verything.

You're lucky you're still alive.

Not the way I feel.

I am so sorry.

"That's okay, Count."

You know with a voice like that

maybe you ought to take up duck
hunting.

"Well Toddy old friend,
should we step into my office"

and discuss the Count's future
in show business?

"By all means, old friend."

Count!

By all means.

Did anybody ever tell you

that you have a beautiful pair
of eyes?

Count!

"From now on, call me Victor."

"A bientot, Victor."

That's better.

We can't understand your questions
if you all talk at once.

And if Monsieur Cassell and
Monsieur Todd

can't understand your questions

"they can't answer them, can they?"

No.

No. So please one at a time.

"Monsieur Todd,"

is it true that you're the one
who discovered the Count?

In Poland he's known as Victor.

Rarely Count.

"Did you discover Victor,
Monsieur Todd?"

Victor was already a major star
in Poland.

"On a personal level,"

Victor and I met and became
good friends.

"Professionally, my friend,
Cassell,"

deserves all the credit.

Does Victor speak French?

He sounds more nglish
than Polish.

"Well, he was educated in ngland"

and he lived there before
returning to Poland.

What did he do in ngland?

He was a waitress.

You mean waiter?

"No, I mean waitress."

Waitresses make bigger tips
especially if they have great legs

Victor has great legs?

Sensational.

That's what inspired him to become
a female impersonator.

"Now, if you'll excuse me,"

I'm late for an appointment.

Why take Toddy's word for it?

Come to the show tonight and see
for yourself.

When I step upon this stage and
announce

to Cassell's faithful and
discerning patrons

Ladies and gentlemen.

"Madams, monsieur's..."

it is with great pleasure
that I announce

for your great pleasure the
most sensational

"and truly unique talent of this
century direct from Poland,"

the Polish national treasure...

"the one, the only, Victor!"

"About 20 years ago way down
in New Orleans,"

a group of fellows brought
a new kind of music

and they decided to call it Jazz!

No other sound has what
this music has.

Before they knew it was whizzing'
around the world.

The world was ready for a blue
kind of music

and now they play it from
Steamboat Springs to La Paz.

There is a story that began
in New Orleans.

About a lady who discovered
this music.

She's completely in love
with Jazz!

Yes! No one loved it like
this lady had.

This is the day the lady traveled
'round the world.

You only see her where they're
playing this music.

That's why they've seen her

from Steamboat Springs to La Paz.

Jazz as her escort to give
her days much Jazz.

"Oh, baby won't you play me
Le Jazz Hot,"

maybe and don't ever let it end.

I tell you friend it's really
something to hear.

I can't sit still when there's
that rhythm near me.

"Also, baby, Le Jazz Hot,"

maybe what's holding my soul
together.

"Don't know whether it's morning
or night,"

only know it's sounding right.

"So come on in and play me
Le Jazz Hot,"

baby 'cause I love my Jazz hot!

"Before they knew it,"

it was whizzing' 'round the world.

The world was ready for
a new kind of music.

And now they play it from
Steamboat Springs to La Paz.

"Won't you play me Le Jazz Hot,
baby?"

Don't let it end.

"I tell you, friend it's really
something to hear."

I can't sit still when there's
that rhythm near me.

'Cause I love my Jazz hot!

"When you play me Le Jazz Hot,"

baby you're holding my soul
together.

Don't know whether it's morning
or night

only know it's sounding right.

"So come on in and play me
Le Jazz Hot, baby."

Because I love my Jazz hot!

Le Jazz Hot!!!!

Le Jazz Hot!

She's a man.

I can't believe it's a guy.

I don't believe it's a guy.

That's crazy.

They wouldn't dare say it's a guy
if it ain't.

Isn't.

That's a felonious attempt to
defrock the public.

"Ither way, you got to admit he
sure is beautiful."

It's because he is not a he.

He is beautiful because
he is a she.

"Well Jeez, you don't have to get
so steamed about it."

You act like you was falling
in love or something!

Come on.

He got your motor running.

Don't be ridiculous.

I got to admit.
He sure got my motor running.

What's this?
Some kind of conspiracy?

King Marchand. Andre Cassell.

I'm so glad you could make it.

"Come, I'll take you backstage and"

introduce you to Monsieur Victor.

He's fabulous.
Absolutely fabulous!

That voice.
What about those high notes?

He's a phony.

What makes you say that?

"If he's Polish,
why doesn't he have an accent?"

"According to Toddy,
he was educated in ngland."

Yes.

And everything else we know
about him is according to Toddy.

"Come to think of it, darling,"

when did Toddy go to Poland?

Why would a gorgeous talented
creature

like the Count want to
set up housekeeping

with an old kerbugian like Toddy.

"If he's a Count, I'm Greta Garbo."

"Well, Greta. Whatever he is,
I think he's divine."

"Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention?"

"After the reception,"

those of you requiring
transportation

will find cars at the stage door

ready to take you to the party.

"Victor, here comes Andre
with King Marchand."

"A king! My God,
what is he king of?"

"Among other things,"

he owns the most successful
nightclub in Chicago.

And the other things?

"The term "gangster" is an
appropriate designation."

He's also quite a ladies' man.

So watch your step!

I'm safe. Don't forget I'm a man.

Don't you forget?

"Victor, allow me to introduce,
King Marchand."

Monsieur Marchand.

"Hi! Oh, some grip you got there."

I'm Norma Cassidy. You were grand.

"When you took off that wig,"

I just couldn't believe
you're a man.

King still doesn't.

May I introduce Monsieur Todd?

It's a pleasure.

Miss Cassidy.

Nchanted.

"Me, too."

What do you think of my new star?

I think...
He thinks he's a phony.

What?

I think you're very talented.

Yeah but he doesn't think
you're a man.

I'll tell her what I think.

""Her"see?"

Norma?

Mingle.

Sure.

"Care to mingle, Mr. Todd?"

"Miss Cassidy,"

Victor's performance excluded
mingling with you

may well prove to be the high
point of the evening.

I just love Frenchmen.

So do I.

You were saying Monsieur Marchand?

I just find it hard to believe
that you're a man.

Because you found me attractive
as a woman.

"Yes, as a matter of fact."

It happens frequently.

Not to me.

That just proves the old adage...

There's always a first time.

I don't think so.

Xcuse me.

Pardon. Monsieur Victor!
I am Henri Labisse.

Good evening.

I am the proprietor of
the Chez Louis.

"Of course, you've heard of it."

Yes.

You have?

"Of course,
but you've never been there."

Yes.

You have?

No!

"Yes, I've never been there is
what I meant to say."

At any rate whether you have
or not...

"Well, Labisse!"

"Toddy, how are you, old friend?"

How did you get in without
an invitation?

No. I have an invitation.

Really?

Yes.

"No, No, no.
What you have is a mistake."

"I won't forget this, Toddy."

I'm counting on it.

That was close.

Don't leave me alone like that
again.

"Please excuse me,
we have to be going."

We do?

I have an early golf game.

Since when?

"Count, tell me. Do you play?"

Golf? Yes. Occasionally.

What's your handicap?

Being gay. What's yours?

"Cassell, tell me."

How did you discover
Monsieur Victor?

Came into my theater and
hit a G flat.

Incredible! A G flat?

I've never heard of a man being
able to sing that high.

You gamble? Perhaps you like to
make a small wager?

How small?

"Say 1,000 francs."

"Let's make interesting, shall we?
Say, 10,000?"

Forget it.

I thought so.

"Make it 20,000."

Bet.

"You're coming to the party later,
of course?"

No.

No?

"Mr. Todd, would you give
my regards to Victor"

and tell her that I look
forward...

""Her"! See..."

Please tell Victor I look forward
to seeing the show again?

I'll be happy to tell him.

Good night.

Bon soir.

I'm really sorry we can't come
to the party.

"It certainly won't be the same
without you, Miss Cassidy."

Norma.

"Till we meet again, Norma."

"Real soon, I hope."

Norma!

Keep your pants on!

"Well, Bon sewer Mr. Todd."

Bon sewer Norma.

Are you all right?

Where is Labisse?

Gone with the others.

Did you see the look on his face
when I hit that high note?

"I'm sorry I did that, Toddy."

Damn King Marchand for goading me
into it.

What do you think of King
Marchand?

"King Marchand is an arrogant,
conceited,"

"chauvinistic, pain in the neck."

I think I could fall in love
with him.

"I think I could, too."

I'll bet you 10 francs King
Marchand cancels his golf game.

And shows up at the party.

What makes you think that?

Because he's smitten.

"Oh, come on."

Which means he's dangerous.

Dangerous?

Trust me. His manhood's at stake.

There's no telling to what length

he'll go to prove you're a fraud.

Finish getting ready.

I'll make sure the evil Labisse
isn't lurking at the stage door.

Merci. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

"Andre, spectacular."

Look who's coming...
You owe me 10 francs.

I never took your bet.

'Cause you knew you'd lose.

"King Marchand, I'm so glad
you changed your mind."

It's very late.

What happened to your golf game?

"He cancelled it. Well, you did."

I'm flattered.

It's suppose to rain.

Baloney. He'd rather be here.

"Well, sit down King. Join us."

"We meet again, Mr. Todd."

"So it would seem, Miss Cassidy."

Would you care for...

I'd love to!

A drink?

Look's like Norma's in for
a big surprise.

Why is that?

Isn't Mr. Todd... Isn't he...

Isn't he what?

"You're not going to help me out
with this, right?"

Right.

Isn't he a homosexual?

Isn't that something you should
ask Mr. Todd?

Are you lovers?

"If you mean,
do we love each other?"

"Yes, we do. Do we co-habit?"

Yes. Do we have sex?

Forget it.

You don't want to know?

No.

Because the idea of two men...

No. Because I'm still not
convinced that you're really a man

You are preoccupied
with stereotypes.

I think it's as simple as

you're one kind of man.

I'm another.

And what kind are you?

One that doesn't have to prove it
to myself or anyone.

You gotta be kidding.

Really?

You're a queer?

"We prefer"gay.""

But you're so attractive.

It seems like such a waste.

Trust me. It isn't wasted.

Shame on you!

You know I bet the right woman
could reform you.

I suppose anything's possible.

Who knows the right woman might
even reform you.

Me give up men? Never!

Remarkable. You took the words
right out of my mouth.

"Tango. Oh, King!"

Tango me.

"I'm sorry, Norma.
My tango's a little rusty."

"But I'll lay 8 to 5,"

the Count does a great tango.

"Great! Come on, Count."

King still thinks you're a dame.
Let's show him.

Miss Cassidy.

What a dancer!

I knew he was a man all along.

I mean a real woman
can always tell.

Can you imagine what
Sal Andretti would say

if he knew that his partner fell
for a female impersonator?

Did you look under the bed?

Yeah.

"I know he's supposed
to protect you,"

but does he have to stay

in the same suite with us?

"I mean,"

I keep expecting him to break
in while we're making love.

"Norma, he'd only do that if he
heard something unusual."

Like what?

Like if I got excited.

Just kidding.

You!

"Can I get you anything, boss?"

"Toddy, when did we move?"

During the dress rehearsal.

But what if I'd flopped?

We would have ordered a sumptuous
meal charged it

"to room service,"

"drunk the champagne,
courtesy of the management."

Then jumped right out
of the window.

"That's why I chose a
three-star hotel,"

and specifically requested
accommodations

above the third floor.

You're too much.

Pooky.

Yeah?

Are you coming to bed?

Yeah.

The bathroom is a religious
experience.

When can we afford another
bedroom?

As soon as we're sure you're
not a flash in the pan.

My God!

"Besides, one bedroom, one bed,"

promotes the illusion
that we're lovers.

"If we decide to live apart,"

one of us can set up housekeeping
in the tub.

"To Victor, long may he reign."

"At least, long enough
to pay the rent."

Pooky!

Yeah?

Hurry up!

What's the rush?

"You know what they say,
"when in Paris.""

"That's"when in Rome.""

"No, Rome makes me hungry."

Paris makes me horny.

"Rome may be hot, sexy it is not."

Paris is so sexy.

Riding in a taxi gives me
apoplexy.

Been to Lisbon and Lisbon
is a has-been.

Schlepped to Stockholm and
brought a lot of schlock home.

Also Oslo and Oslo really
was slow.

Paris makes me horny.

It's not like 'Californy'.

Paris is so dizzy Jack.

It's such an aphrodisiac.

It's true Paris thrills me.

When I see the iffel Tower

I have to go and take a shower.

It's true. I do.

Paris kills me and
it makes me sexy.

As for Madrid.

Save it for I Cid.

Dining at the Lido loosens my
libido Like a big torpedo.

"Seen Geneva,
it's hardly jungle fever."

Been to Brussels could use
some red corpuscles.

"Tried Toronto,
departed molto pronto."

Paris makes me tingle.
Makes me glad I'm single.

London's okay if it's for one day.

Paris get me sexy
in the solar plexy.

What's the matter?

You're still thinking
about the Count?

Been to Munich where every guy's
a eunuch and to Dublin.

"Things ain't exactly bubbling'
Hate Helsinki,"

the Fins are kind of kinky.

But Paris... Paris...

Paris makes me... Pooky!

"So, any thoughts
about King Marchand?"

"No, other than how attractive
he is."

How beautiful and intense
his eyes are.

What it would be like to spend
a week with him

on a desert island.

"No, he's scarcely crossed my mind."

What about you?

Pretty much along the same lines.

Xcept that I fantasize

three weeks on a desert island.

"You know, pretending to be a man
has its disadvantages."

"Yes, especially if you are a man."

Pooky.

It's no big deal.

"This happens to everyone... men,
I mean."

"We're lucky. Women, I mean."

We can fake it if we have to.

Don't get me wrong.

I never have with you...

"faked it, I mean."

"With you, it's like..."

"Pow, POW, POW POW!"

Like the 4th of July. Very time!

Just because tonight you couldn't
get it...

"up till now it's been grand,
Pooky."

"Really, really grand."

"And if there's one thing I know
for sure,"

"you can't let it get you,"

"you should excuse the expression,
down."

You can't worry about it.

You gotta put it out of your mind.

"The more you think about it,
the more you worry."

"The more you worry,
the more you think about it."

"Think, worry."

Yuck! Cherry!

"Worry, Think."

"It becomes this vicious cycle
and before you know it,"

you are impotent.

Pooky?

What cha doing with the soap?

Squash!

How dare you put soap in my mouth!

"You son of a bitch, bastard!"

I'll kill you! I'll kill him!

Norma! Norma!

"Norma, not my new club."

Put that down.

"Why don't you take her to Paris,
boss?"

I thought she'd help you relax.

She has never helped me relax.

Send her home.

"I'd hate to be a bother,"

but there seems to be a little...

Mr. Todd. Good evening.

What an amazing coincidence.

Victor and I are occupying
the next suite.

You don't say?

We heard sounds indicating
you were still up.

"I thought I'd come over,"

pay my respects and perhaps
borrow a cup of sugar.

Sorry if it got a little noisy.

Miss Cassidy was having
a nightmare.

Poor dear. Tell her I wish her
pleasant dreams.

"Good night, Mr. Bernstein."

"Good night, Mr. Todd."

I love your ensemble.

Well what do you know?

"Next door, huh?"

Pooky!

Who'd you least expect to be our
next door neighbors?

King Marchand and his bleached
blond Rhodes Scholar?

Close! You forgot Mr. Bernstein.

Who?

Mr. Bernstein.

The sturdy bodyguard with
the puppy dog eyes.

You mean King Marchand
actually is...

that we are only...

Inches apart.

But as my dear old grandmother
Todd used to say:

""In matters of sexual proximity,"

"an inch is as good as a mile.""

I don't believe this.

I spend most of my life hoping
to find Prince Charming.

Just when I decide I'm better
off being a man

the Prince moves in next door.

"Toddy, this is crazy."

As dear old grandmother Todd said:

""It's a crazy world,
so watch your step,"

"or you're liable to fall off.""

Good night.

I'll be up.

Warm your feet!

Crazy world full of crazy
contradictions like a child.

First you drive me wild and
then you win my heart

with your wicked art.

"One minute tender,"

gentle then temperamental
as a summer storm.

Just when I believe your
heart's getting warmer

you're cold and you're cruel

"and I like a fool try to cope,"

try to hang on to hope.

Crazy world.

Very day the same old roller
coaster ride

but I've got my pride.

I won't give in even though
I know I'll never win.

How I love this crazy world.

Pooky!

"God bless mother, and
Grandma Todd, Victoria, Victor,"

and Mr. Bernstein. Amen.

"Ladies and gentlemen, once again,"

"Cassell's is proud to present
the toast of Paris, Victor!"

"I know they say of
Mary-Antoinette,"

my reputation is a go-getter.

"So, when I met Louis XVI
of Bourbon."

It was so disturbing I thought
a Bourbon once

in every while would keep me
smiling.

Louis says he's king of France not
by chance that I wed him.

They all do as Louis says.

"My, oh yes, I just bed him then I
recline on my chaise."

Who cares what they do?

Who cares what Louis says?

Louis says I misbehave.

Rant and rave craving trouble.

"If he only knew the truth
in my youth,"

it was double.

My life is a big bowl of fraises.

"Poor Louis, screwy."

Who cares what Louis says?

Suddenly the Revolution came

and my social life is not
the same.

So I play a very different game
living one day at a time.

See each day may be my last

I'll make each moment quite
sublime.

"Louis says they'll label me
the memory Antoinette,"

famous for her own demise.

"He says I should know better,"

good times relieve mayonnaise.

The worst is screwy who cares
what Louis says?

"Louis says she lusts and groans,"

stay at home all adoring.

"He says she should be more prim,
more like him."

God how boring.

I like my sauce bordeuxlais.

"They drive me cooey,
who cares what Louis says."

Louis says the Revolution spread.

Louis says I mustn't lose my head

and the people haven't any bread.

I say let 'em eat cake.

Louis says that kind of attitude
could be a grave mistake.

Louis says our timings off
this resort.

Their museum I say they can
go to hell.

"Wish him well, when you see him."

They're singing la Marseilles
at half past seven.

I'm off to heaven.

"So much for royalty,
so much for loyalty,"

so much for Louis. Seize!

Toddy! Toddy!

Even when I was a second-rate
soprano I had a maid.

"A maid, who could swear you were
a second-rate soprano"

and not a first-class imposter.

You trust my dressmaker.

He trusts me not to reveal
certain things

that would embarrass his wife
and six children.

"You know, you should be ashamed
of yourself."

Shame is a second-rate emotion
invented by the pious

in order to exploit
the human race.

Who said that?

I said that.

You don't believe in shame?

I believe in happiness.

"Oh, yeah? Thinks he can
just push me around..."

Norma!

"Take your hands off me,
you big ape!"

"Xcuse me, I'm sorry, okay?"

I'd hate to bust in on you
like this.

Mr. Todd.

Shut up!

King is running me out of town

because I gave him a bad time
about Victor.

Norma?

I'll be out in a minute!

He's got the hots for you

but he's convinced you're a woman.

He can't face that maybe he's
got a problem.

That maybe he really likes guys.

So he can't get it up with me so
he ships me off to Chicago.

Norma.

I'm just saying goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

"No hard feelings because
you are a guy, right?"

"Ven if you are queer, gay,"

I mean it's not like

"I'm losing out to some carnivore
female, right?"

Right.

Norma!

All right!

If you ever change your
preferences?

You'll be the first to know.

Chicago.

I'm in the book.

"Out of my way, pheasant!"

Norma!

I'm gonna have dinner with her
with him tonight.

So what's the big deal?

"It's not a big deal, all right?"

All right!

So why am I shy as a spotty faced
kid at a high school prom?

Why? I'll tell you why.

It's because I don't know where
this crazy dame

this Victor guy whoever he is
coming from.

That's why.

I'm a guy who knows himself
so I don't give a damn.

I never could be in love
with a man.

But what if I am?

"I mean, me? Ha!"

Gay? Ha!

"If I know I'm not,
what's the problem I got?"

Why do I feel this way?

The only logical answer is
he's a dame.

I know that I'm right I can tell
from the way that I feel.

Yeah.

So maybe the way to play it is to
go along with the game

and if for some dumb reason
I'm wrong.

Is it such a big deal? Yeah.

"I've never been wrong about dames,
not once in my life."

If I had been you can bet I'd be
stuck with a wife.

"But not me, not King."

My life has been one sweet
perpetual fling.

"I've played so many games,"

fanned the flames with loads
of dames

and I've landed the blame

for each dame who claims
I've tricked her.

But now at last
I'm in love with Victor.

Maybe I should see a doctor
or concoct a cocamammey

tale to get me out of town.

Maybe take a long vacation with
some appetizing chick

to lift me up when I am down.

"Or maybe I should face the music,"

give up dames like Mame and Margo

and take on board this strange
new cargo.

Did a Othello fancy lago?

I'll take Victor to Chicago and
we'll see what happens then.

When I'm out with him and eight
or ten of the world's

no question most obnoxious men.

I'd like you to meet my beautiful
boyfriend Victor.

How would it sound out
at the stadium?

How would it look at the
racetrack?

I could just see out

at the ballpark Tony Palermo
give me the eye

when I waltz in with a guy.

"Of all God's gorgeous creatures
who play tag with my libido,"

I have to pick the queen of drag
who dresses in a tuxedo.

"I'd like you to meet my lover
not Norma, Victor."

What would they think out
at the golf club?

What would they say down
at the nightclub?

Here's what they'd say at
Guido's Steakhouse the moment

we were seen.

"Hey, you guys know that King
Marchand was a queen?"

It's a trick and a trap.

I'm not taking the wrap
for a crime I didn't do.

I've got to make certain that
he's a she.

If I don't all my nightmares
could end up true.

There's one way to find out
for sure

but I haven't the guts to try
or have I?

"If I'm right, I'll throw
a party tonight."

"If I'm wrong, I think I'll die."

"I guess, I guess I gotta do it."

"Hell, there isn't that much to it."

I can't sit here one more minute
letting time go by.

I need to put an end to all this
how and why.

I need to know like most guys
need an alibi.

I'll go myself.
I just can't ask a private eye.

Is the girl I'm in love
with A guy?

Boss?

"Yes, Mr. Bernstein."

Are there any messages?

He did?

A few minutes ago?

"Okay, thanks."

Boss?

"You better hurry,
We only have five minutes."

Okay.

This is Mr. Todd.
Are there any messages?

Thank you.

"Would you ring Mr. Marchand's
suite, please?"

Shit!

You'll never guess
where Mr. Marchand

wants to take us after dinner.

"If I'll never guess,
I guess you better tell me."

Chez Louis.

I'd hate to be a party poop.

That sounds like a very bad idea
to me.

It's not such a bad idea.

You are the toast of Paris
and Labisse

will be too busy groveling
to recognize you.

"Besides, Labisse owes me
a good grovel."

Pardon.

Bon soir.

Bon soir.

See you downstairs?

"I'll be right there, darling."

"Mr. Marchand's suite, please."

Get that!

Yes?

See you in the lobby
in two minutes.

Okay.

Two minutes!

"Mr. Marchand,
would you mind if I asked..."

Would you mind if I asked you
a personal question?

I worry more about answers
than questions.

It's quite obvious that
Mr. Bernstein is on hand

to ensure your continued
good health.

That is not a question.

Why is he sitting way over there?

Strategic.

A broader field of vision and
a clearer field of fire.

You must have been in the army.

I prefer the navy myself.

Would you mind if I joined him?

He looks Ionely.

"No, I don't mind."

I promise not to inhibit
his field of fire.

Incorrigible.
Yes.

"May I buy you a drink,
Mr. Bernstein?"

Coffee.

"Ladies and gentlemen,"

tonight I am extremely happy
and honored.

We're honored to have with us
tonight

one of the truly great
entertainers of our time.

"Ladies and gentlemen,
the toast of Paris, Victor!"

"Perhaps, she... xcuse me,"

"he will honor us with a song say,"

"an old nglish tune, Victor?"

He knows.

He's guessing.

What do I do?

"Pull yourself together,
and act like a man."

Bon soir.

Trust me.

Okay.

You...

You...

And me

And me

We're the kind of people
other people would like to be.

A little strolling?

Why not?

Wandering free we present
the kind of picture people

are glad to see

and we don't care that tomorrow
comes with no guarantee.

We've each other for company.

And come what may you and me
we'll stay together.

"Year after year, won't we my dear?"

That's why we're you and me

Walk this way.
Okay.

I taught him everything he knows.

That's why he has so little left.

I'll get you for that.

You brought the whistle.

Yes.

Now what?

Watch this now.

I am watching.

I will do this twice.

"Okay, now what?"

You devil you.

Watch me.

We finished together.

Yes.

"You're on your own, kid."

What?

"Toddy,"

you do this to me all the time!

"Come what may,
you and me we'll stay together."

Year after year won't we my dear.

That's why we're you and

Hey!

Stop that!

Oh my God!

Come On.

"You, imbecile."

This is my club!

And this is my club!

I don't care if you are a man.

I'm not a man.

I still don't care.

Paris by night.

Paris la nuit.

Seduces us in ways
we don't expect to be.

She has magic from which
even a Houdini can't be free.

For Paris by night has mystery.

It's haunted us and taunted us
through history.

Shady secrets she is all too
aware we long to share.

"That's why it is,"

I guess we all are adore her

and hunger to explore
her hidden charms.

She fools us all because
she's so capricious

and nothing's more delicious
than to sleep in her arms.

"For Paris by night,"

it's the only way to realize
that all in all

it's nighttime not the day.

"That sets her a part,
wins every heart"

and makes all our dreams
take flight.

There's no dream you can't
find in Paris.

Paris by night.

Gosh!

"Sorry, guys."

Okay.

Squash?

"Squash,
I know what you're thinking."

"No, you don't."

If a guy like you has the guts
to admit he's gay

so can I.

I know you and the Count are
gonna be very happy.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

This trip to Paris is turning out
to be

a little more bizarre than usual.

Thanks a lot.

Not you. Not you.

Why not me?

"I mean a woman,"

"pretending to be a man,
pretending to be a woman."

Well now you can stop pretending.

But I don't think I want to stop.

I'm a big star now.

"Oh, that."

"And something else,"

For the first time in my life
I feel emancipated.

Mancipated?

"Well, I'm my own man, so to speak."

You should be able to relate
to that.

I've got to be honest
with you right now

I'm having a tough time
relating to anything.

Do you think it would be fair
for me

to ask you to give up your job?

It would be ridiculous.

But you expect me to give up mine.

Well there's a big difference.

I'm not pretending to be
somebody else.

Now what if the shoe was
on the other foot?

"If you were the man,"

and I the woman pretending
to be a man?

Love is a two-way street.

I can't believe I said that.

"So, what do we do?"

You want me to be honest?

Always.

I could never live like that.

Because you are frightened
that people would think

you were in love with a man.

Right.

"So, we have a problem."

I guess we have.

What we have here is almost
a love song.

"I'm perfect for you,
you're perfect for me."

Verything they sing about
we have in profusion.

The same sense of humor...

a romance more than mere illusion.

So why are we almost a love song?

Why aren't we the song
of the year?

Does the moment go by?

Are we frightened to try?

"If we are, more is the pity"

For the idea seems too pretty
to be almost a love song.

You owe me a love song

So where is my love song my dear?

Perhaps it's for the best.

That's as bad as love is a
two-way street.

"Sooner or later,"

I'd probably ask you to stop
being a gangster

because I was frightened everybody
would think I was your mob.

I am not a gangster.

"Oh, just a businessman
with a bodyguard?"

"A businessman who does business
with gangsters,"

I better have a bodyguard or
he's out of business.

A businessman who does business
with gangsters claiming

he's not a gangster.

Sounds a lot like the kind
of act I do.

I think we're both pretenders

and that's not a very good basis
for a relationship.

"But it was fun, while it lasted."

One thing's clear here

It's clear

We're almost a love song

We're almost a love song

She's so good for me

I'm no good for him

I'm no good for her

He's so good for me.
I imagined somebody

I saw someone

Who'd look at things my way

We'd travel life's highway

Whatever the weather

But I wonder whether

The two of us should be together

So why are we almost a love song?

Are we a love song?

Instead of the song of the year?

Not a good one I fear.
Will the moment go by?

Will I lose him?
Are we frightened to try?

Mustn't lose her

If I am
If I do

Then it's tragic.

He and I have too much magic

To be almost a love song

"Hell, I might as well face it"

You owe me a love song

I could never replace it

So where is our love song my dear?

You slept with him!

Yes.

But it wasn't great.

It was sensational.

Then what are you doing here?

He has cold feet.

"Factually, or figuratively?"

Both. A Present.

"Mr. Bernstein, come in, come in."

"Good evening, Mr. Todd."

Champagne?

Don't mind if I do.

To what do we owe the pleasure
of your visit?

I have something to tell you.

I'm all ears.

I'm gay.

"Be still, my heart!"

Does your boss know?

I just told him.

"And how do you feel,
Mr. Bernstein,"

now that you've hoisted
your true colors?

"Scared, I guess."

"Well, naturally."

And sort of like it's my birthday.

"Well, that's because it is
in a way."

Speak of the devil.

Where is she?

Upstairs.

She?

It's a long and complicated story.

"How long have you been, you know?"

"I can't remember when I wasn't,
you know?"

But I've know you 15 years.

You were an All-American center
for Notre Dame.

A center!

"Happy Birthday, Mr. Bernstein."

Call me Squash.

Must I?

I think we should try living
together.

Your place or mine?

"Trendy travelers tend to talk
of London,"

"Paris, Rome, New York."

Like only they were stylish
and unique

but out in the mid-west is
the city I love the best.

A town so smart its spelling
starts with

C

"C-H-l-C, Chic."

"Chicago, Illinois,"

is like a shiny toy.

The Prairie State is proud to
state that it's its pride and joy.

The Windy City sweeps you
clean off your feet.

Its charm is complete.

"They're knocking you flat,"

this way and that on every
downtown street.

The White Sox and the Cubs and
other sporting clubs

make living here a pretty
nifty ploy.

Smack on the lake this is
a rare port.

Someday they say we'll have
an airport.

"When they say hey,"

"I'm from 'Chi' they mean Chicago,
Illinois."

"Not Debut, not Des Moines,"

not even Pittsburgh.

"When they say, hey,"

"I'm from 'Chi' they mean Chicago,
Illinois."

"Chicago, Illinois,
is like a shiny toy."

The Prairie State is proud
to state

it's its pride and joy.

The Windy City sweeps you
clean off your feet.

It's charm is complete they're
knocking you flat this way

or that on every downtown street.

The White Sox and the Cubs
and other sporting clubs

make living here a pretty
nifty ploy.

Smack on the lake this is
a rare port.

Some day they say we'll have
an airport.

"When they say, hey,"

"I'm from 'Chi' they mean Chicago,
Illinois."

Chicago is a killer.

"They mean Chicago, Illinois."

"C-H-l-C-A-G-O,"

Illinois

"Hi, Sal."

Thanks for coming.

So how come you're here and
King's still in Paris?

That's what I wanted to talk
to you about seeing

how he's your partner.

What's he done? Got himself
another doll?

"No, another guy!"

Run that by me again.

King is living with a Polish
fairy.

Where are you going?

We're all going to Paris.

"Me, too?"

All means all.

Naturally.

You know French?

Sure. I just don't speak it.

I'll see you on the boat.

We'll drink a toast
to the new lovers.

"Knowing the boss,
it's not going to be easy."

"Knowing Victoria,
I'm inclined to agree."

"I am ve for ought
that I could ever read,"

could ever hear by tale
or history.

The course of true love never
did run smooth.

"You surprise me, Mr. Bernstein."

We did Midsummer Night's Dream
my junior year in college.

We did Hamlet.

I bet you were a romantic Hamlet.

"No, I was a clumsy Ophelia."

It's your move.

Honey.

We've had dinner every night
in the hotel for two weeks now.

I'd love to have a candlelit
supper at some romantic bistro

and then go dancing.

Dancing? Where?

Where two people usually
go to dance.

Where two men usually go to dance?

"Like, maybe the Ritz?"

"Well, I'm game if you are.
No, I'm just kidding."

"Don't you think I'd love
to go dancing,"

"to buy you a beautiful gown,"

to take you on my arm and
stroll you up the Champs-lysees?

Do you know how proud that
would make me?

I'm going out.

Out?

I'm gonna get exercise and
fresh air.

I'm worried about the boss.

"Yes, your boss is not a happy man
in love."

Is there a solution?

Not unless Victor reveals to
the world that he's a woman.

Or King finds some joy living
with a man.

"Darling, wait!"

"Living in the shadows,"

"hiding from the sunlight,"

hiding from the one light that
might help to guide you.

"Hiding from tomorrow,"

hiding from the day only brings
a sorrow that won't go away.

"Wandering in the darkness,"

living every midnight doesn't
ever rid night

of nightmares as love might.

"Life is full of dangers,"

strangers every turn living
in the shadows

there's no way to learn.

"The more you learn,
the more you seek,"

"the more you find,
the more you care,"

the more the world is kind.

"One thing I can tell you life
should be your lover,"

help you to discover your reason
for being.

Soon you will be seeing what
you're all about living

in the shadows you'll never
find out.

"Living in the shadows,"

I'll never find out

"Connect me with Mr. Todd's suite,
please."

"A gay, All-American center
who quotes Shakespeare"

and plays chess like a Russian
master.

"Do I dare ask, do you cook?"

I'm a great cook.

And I was about to repudiate
the good fairy.

She must have given herself
a hernia

when she made you come true.

Yes?

It's me. Can I come over?

Of course.

It's Victoria.

She's coming over.

She sounds miserable.

I better go check on the boss.

Drink?

No thank you.

Would you like me to ask again?

You look like you could use one.

Toddy. It's not working out.

Did you really think it would?

Yes! At least I hoped it would.

It's been my experience that
when it comes to affairs

of the heart hope is never enough.

I just wanted to go dancing.

"Where, at the Ritz?"

I know. I know.

Two men dancing at the Ritz
wouldn't be orthodox.

"No, but the problem isn't two men
dancing at the Ritz."

It isn't?

The problem is you're not
really two men.

I don't want to be a man anymore.

"I know, neither do I."

"Hi, Sal."

I thought I'd pay my old business
partner a friendly visit.

"He's not here, Sal."

Oh yeah? Where is he?
Shacked up with the Count?

He said something about
the Arctic Circle.

"Sure, and I'm the Moaning Lisa."

You gonna tell me where
your boss is

or do I let Juke shoot you?

"Xcuse me, boss. Remember?"

It's my turn.

"Yeah. Right, I'm sorry."

"You know,
we've been so busy lately,"

I keep forgetting
who is supposed to shoot whom.

Who.

What?

"You can't say"whom""

because there ain't no proposition
in front of it.

Isn't.

Any.

What?

Isn't any

Preposition.

Shut up!

"Now, Squash, for the last time
where is your boss?"

Mr. Marchand's suite.

"Sal,
I swear on my mother's grave..."

Your mother's still alive.

You're kidding?

Shoot him.

Hold it.

Yeah?

Hello?

"Who's"par laying", please?"

Dumb French.

Don't even understand
their own language.

The Windy City barracuda is back.

What Norma?

Stay here.

"No! Toddy, not on your life!"

"Wait for me, Toddy! Wait for me."

"Hello Squash,
do I let Clam shoot you?"

"Personally,
I think it would be a big mistake."

For who?

Whom.

Shoot her!

Hold it!

"Good to see you, Sal."

What brings you to Paris?

Fairy tales.

"Well, well, well, if it ain't
big shot King Marchand,"

who these days maybe ought
to change it to Queen.

Did somebody call?

Here he is.

"He's the Count and he's Mr. Todd,"

"the Count's former lover,
you know."

A bunch of queers.

Two queers doth not a bunch make.

They prefer gay.

"If you want the truth,
ask the Count."

Ask me what?

Ask him.

I already know the answer.

Norma!

Are you and the King lovers?

Yes!

Oh yuck.

I love him very much.

"Hear, hear!"

God!

"I'm gonna throw up!
Here, sign this."

Okay if I read it first?

What for?

"Since the mob don't like
doing business with homos,"

I'm buying you out.

You know my half is worth
ten times as much.

"Yeah, right. Sign the paper."

"Darling, don't do it."

"It's okay, sweetheart."

Darling?

Sweetheart?

Jesus King. That is disgusting.

A guy like you turning queer.

"I mean, we grew up together."

Probably had something to do
with it.

"Oh, God!"

That's it. That is it!

"Come with me, young woman."

You know what I have to do.

Go on. Get up there.

I'll tell you!

Wait! Lock the door.

It's not going to take that long.

Would anybody care for a drink?

"Sal, you're looking
a might peaked."

"Sal, is that short for Sally?"

"You are going to regret this,
King."

"And you, Squash, for shame"

hanging around with a bunch
of fairies.

"You no good, two timing,"

son of a bitch. He's a woman!

"Yes, yes, yes. Oh my God!"

"Sweetheart, what happened?"

"Look, look darling,
Labisse is right there."

"Look, look.
Toddy, look after her."

"Toddy, Labisse was just outside
the window."

"Fear not, dear lady!"

I've been prepared for this
for a long time.

"No, Toddy."

He saw the whole kit and caboodle.

I can't vouch for the kit
but the caboodle's a winner.

Trust me. Dinner after the show?

Love to!

"Oh, no. Not you, too!"

What ever happened to the real men

in this world?

I might as well become a nun.

A nun?

What's wrong with that?

My mother was a nun!

Her mother was a nun?

"If you did not have that gun,"

I would personally take you apart.

That's the truth.

"Absolutely, boss."

A Little pop.

"Go ahead, boss, he's a pansy,
can't fight."

Shut up.

I've seen him fight once.

Shut up!

Remember when he beat up
the whole Michigan back...

All right! Shut up!

You're lucky I got a boat
to catch.

Let's go.

Welcome.

"Put me through to Mr. Todd,
please."

Hello?

You all right?

Never better.

That's great.

"If you need anything,
I'll be in my room."

"Thanks, Squash."

"Anytime, Victoria."

The more I learn the more
I seek the more I find.

The more I care the more
the world is kind.

"One thing I can tell you,
life should be your lover."

Help you to discover your reason
for being.

Soon you'll be seeing
what you're all about.

Living in the shadows
you'll never find out.

Push away the shadows
the sun will come out!

"Once again, ladies and gentlemen,"

"it is with great pleasure
that I announce,"

"for your great pleasure,"

the world foremost female
impersonator.

But it is also with some
sadness that

I must tell you that Victor
has decided to retire.

What you're about to see will be
his last performance!

A thousand artists have done their
damnest to paint her

but all in vain.

"And every day their hopes grow
fainter,"

the reason's plain.

For Victoria's also know
as Victor Making

it tricky to depict her.

"Victor, Victoria! Victor,
Victoria!"

"Victoria, what a victor you are."

She spreads her fusion
her illusion is serene.

"Behind the screen,
is he a king or is she a queen?"

She's such a tease.

Fellows like these trying
to please get ill at ease.

Not sure if he's Louis or Louise.

No wonder thousands
of lovers struggle

to win her without success.

Ven an evening having dinner
she won't say yes

and God help the guy
who ever tricked her.

Kiss 'em goodbye
if they afflict her.

"Victor, Victoria.
Victor, Victoria."

"Victoria, what a victor you are."

Men are so dim fancying him
and fancying her.

"They're so bemused,
they get confused."

Which one they prefer.

Is he a she? Is he a she?

"Is she a he? If you ask me,"

it's hard to see.

Which can she be?

There's no guarantee.

And so when young men and
old men turn

in to bold men to hold my hand.

They get too frazzled and
bedazzled to understand

You can't contradict her
or predict him.

"She is the victor, not the victim."

"Victor, Victoria.
Victor, Victoria."

Charlatan! Liar! Phony! Stop!

"Ladies and gentlemen,"

you are all victims
of a cruel hoax.

This woman is no man.

"I'm man enough for you,
sweetheart!"

And that's why young men
and old men turn

into bold men to hold her hand.

They get too frazzled and
bedazzled to understand.

You can't contradict her
or predict him.

She is the victor not the victim.

"Victor, Victoria."

"Victor, Victoria."

"Victoria, what a victor you are"

So when a guy loves a lady
however shady it may appear.

No need to yell
if they're two fellows.

That's not so queer!

We're all meant to cherish
one another

It's not a crime to love
each other

"He sings, too!"

"Victor, Victoria,
Victor, Victoria!"

"Victoria, what a victor you are!"

"Victoria, what a victor you are""