All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S07E04.WEB.H264-13-NHI

CLARKSON:
Tonight, which is faster?
A Renault or a bicycle?

Ellen MacArthur sets sail
on our track.

And how much supercar
do you get for £10,000?

Hello. Now last week on
the show, we had
a Pagani Zonda.

And this week, we're kicking
off with another one!

HAMMOND: This is it.
It's called the Zonda F.

Nearly the whole body from
nose to tail has been restyled

following a visit
to the wind tunnel.

On top of that, the interior
is now even more insane.

The wheels are magnesium
and the whole exhaust system

has been forged from titanium.

The price for the F
is £440,000,

£100,000 more than
the normal Zonda.

So, you'd hope the changes
aren't just cosmetic.

And indeed, they aren't.

Dear God!

The power has gone up
from 555 brake horsepower

to 602.

That is two Porsche Caymans,
in a car that weighs less than
one Porsche Cayman.

Naught to 60, 3.6 seconds.

Top speed, 215 mph,
maybe more.

But the F isn't
merely about extra grunt.

God really is in the details.

The brakes are carbon ceramic.

Even the carbon fibre in the
structure of the car that
you can't see,

they've changed the
weave to make it
lighter and stronger.

It's such a bizarre mixture
of power and precision.

If surgeons used chainsaws,
this is what they'd have!

Put it all together and the
experience is shattering.

The noise! Listen to that!

All of the hair on my body
is standing up!

I had tried to
think of clever things to
say then, but I couldn't!

It's just...
I'm gonna do that again!

HAMMOND: Wow!

That is unbelievable,
that car!

It's brilliant. I love it!

And, like I said...
Like I said,

it really is about that
combination of just
precision and power.

It's like pressing the button
on a beautifully crafted watch
and then

all the volcanoes
in the world erupt!
It's astonishing!

No, the thing is though,
we've now got to find out how
fast it goes round our track.

So that means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

-Some say that
his tears are adhesive...

...and that if he caught fire,
he'd burn for 1,000 days.

All we know is
he's called The Stig.

CLARKSON: And he's off!
I should say this car
has a very real chance

of being the fastest car ever
round our track.

That means beating the
Maserati MC 12 that has
21 more horsepower.

First corner, no drama here.
Gently stoking up that massive
Mercedes V12.

Stig of course, not listening
to the engine.

He's enjoying a spot
of Purcell, there.
Nice arrangement!

Chicago, carrying the pacing,
metering out the power,

using all the track and on his
way down to Hammerhead.

Looking a little frisky under
braking. Careful!

Careful on the way in.
Don't let the nose run wide.
Go on, accelerate now!

Tail steps out a bit but
he's on top of that in
an instant!

Here comes the follow-through.
Surely he'll have to lift off.

Yep, feathering the throttle
then back on it through
the tyres!

Now just two corners left.

Can it beat the MC 12?
Can it beat what is
basically an Enzo in drag?

Coming up to Gambon.
Lap record is in sight!

Tail kicking out,
and across the line!

Right. It's got the
Maserati MC12 to beat, 1.18.9.

-It's done it! 1.18.4!
Quickest score ever...

...round the Top Gear
test track.

-I knew it!
-You liked it, though did you?

Oh, man.
I knew it would do that.

That is such a car.

What an unbelievable car.

Yeah, if you go through
the small ads in the
back of car magazines

you'll find they're stuffed
full of ads for supercars
which cost less than what?

A two year old Mondeo.

Now this sounds
incredibly tempting,
but what are cars like this

going to be like to live with?

So to find out, we were each
given £10,000

and told to go out and
buy a supercar that's
mid-engined and Italian.

Yes, and then we were told
to take whatever we bought

to Bristol,
where we would be
set a series of challenges.

-I think you can probably see
where this is going.

Here's what happened.

HAMMOND:
I was the first to arrive.

I've just bought
a Ferrari for 10 grand!

It's a 1979 308 GT4.

Look, it's yellow,
it's got an engine in the
middle, it's got everything.

Right. Wait for the others.
See what they've got.

Jeremy was next to roll up.

-CLARKSON: Behold
the Maserati Merak.
-Yeah? It's a Maserati.

Maserati Merak.

Merak.

-Right!
-Yup! Possibly the prettiest
supercar ever made.

HAMMOND: Potentially...

-CLARKSON: £7,000.
-That's about three
grand less than me.

CLARKSON: And you bought a...

HAMMOND: I've got a Ferrari.

It is a Ferrari!
No, you haven't.

It just isn't a Ferrari.

CLARKSON: What Richard
had bought was never
originally called a Ferrari.

It was so slow and wet,
it was actually called a Dino.

There's no point going,
"I bought my shirt at George,"
it's from ASDA.

You've got a George car.

What's this?

-It's a spare wheel!
-Hang on, they're a V6,
aren't they?

Yeah, but it's brilliant.

The engine in this,
the guy I bought it from

just spent £10,000
rebuilding that engine.

Sold the whole car for seven.

-Sensible plan.
-Shows how much
the rest of it's worth.

Watch the headlamps.

They work brilliantly.
Ready?

-There you go.
The headlights are on.
-But they're...

No, you can see they're on,
if you get down here.

-Look, there they are.
Can you see them?
-Yeah.

Oh, that's a shame.

Now let go of it.
There you have it.

If I let go?

CLARKSON: You may have
noticed we're waffling a bit.

And that's because we're
waiting for Captain Sense
of Direction,

who we assumed
had gotten lost.

You fancy some lunch?

CLARKSON: But we were wrong.

James has bought an AA truck!

He's bought a...

At least he's made it to the
end of our last one of these
before getting on one!

-Right...
-James, we said a
mid-engined Italian supercar,

not a truck.

Is that the best you two
can come up with?

Yes, it is. What is your car?

Was...
That, gentlemen...

A Lamborghini Urraco.
Look at it!

Not a very good example!

It's superb!

CLARKSON: But, James,
let's cut to the chase.
-Okay.

It's on a lorry.

It's an electrical problem.

-The Italians invented
electricity, as we know.

CLARKSON:
James decided the best
form of defence was attack.

Let me see. I know about
old cars, as you know.
And I can look at this

and with my trained eye, I can
tell you immediately that
that is a pup.

You've got a trained eye,
and you bought that?

HAMMOND:
So, what had the production
team got in store for us?

-Have a look...
-CLARKSON: Don't do that
to my car!

Your '70s supercar
mission for today is
to drive from Bristol

to Spearmint Rhino in Slough.

That's a lap-dancing club.

Is it?

-Oh, you don't know.
-No, that's what these cars
are about! Okay, fair enough.

You may not use the M4 itself.

So we have to go along the M4
corridor on the wiggly road.

Swindon, Reading...

Maidstone...

Your sense of direction!
You mean Maidenhead.

Oh, yeah.

As long as he's got
a sense of direction,
he can get him there.

HAMMOND: As usual,
points would be lost for
unforeseen stoppages,

and naturally,
there would be a series
of challenges along the way.

Bye.
See you there.

What I love about
this particular Merak

is that it is the SS,
one of the later ones,
very rare.

They only made 652
of them.

Now, this is kind of heavy
A-road traffic through town,
stop-start stuff.

I'll expect it to
overheat here, frankly,
and nothing!

Water temperature,
oil temperature,
oil pressure, all perfect.

I wonder if James has got
his alternator going yet.

CLARKSON: He had! Sort of.

Right, now the battery is
discharging, the oil
temperature is very high,

the oil pressure is very low,
the engine temperature is off
the end of the scale,

I'm running out of petrol,
but the clock is correct.

Right, we're out of Bristol.
No mechanical maladies
to report.

There's smoke coming out
of the back of that thing!
That's smoke!

Eh? No, it's not a kit car.
It's a Lamborghini!

Philistine.

I've noticed that my speedo
is a bit, um, optimistic.

We were stuck behind a tractor
earlier on that was doing 50,

according to this.

HAMMOND:
Never mind! Could be worse!

Yes, James had run out
of electricity again.

CLARKSON: I just can't believe
somebody's put a Ferrari badge
on that when it isn't one.

But there you are, you know.
If it makes you happy.

How can they say
"not a Ferrari"?

It was named after Enzo
Ferrari's tragically dead son,

and built to fit
old man Ferrari himself!

What a marvellous day.
Sun shining,

Maserati to drive,
endless scope for
laughing at Hammond

for buying the wrong car
and James for buying one
that doesn't work.

MAY: Actually, I got my car
working, and what a car!

'Course, in its day,
the Urraco was one of the
fastest and most exciting

four-seater cars
you could buy.

142 miles an hour,
naught to 60 in about
six and a half seconds...

It was ever such a
long time ago, though.

HAMMOND:
Meanwhile, Jeremy and I were
nearing our first challenge.

Castle Combe Racing Circuit.
You have got to be kidding!

Racetrack? That's when we
see the Maserati come good!

I'm feeling confident.

CLARKSON: So why
was Hammond nervous?

You see,
my car has a bit of a secret.

In the back of it, there's a
sub-frame, which on the 308,
holds the engine in

and the wheels on.
Keeps them attached
to the body.

And, um,
it's just made of rust.

HAMMOND:
Still, could be worse.

Yes, James had
broken down again.

CLARKSON: Castle Combe
is 20 miles from Bristol

and most of us got there.

It's a fierce track this,

one of the fastest in Britain,

a real car-breaker.

Can we have the challenge?
Find out what it is?
He can pick up later on.

Yeah.

I know what this is gonna be.

Go on.

Stig'll drive them round the
track, points for the winner.

No, it isn't!

It's "Your supercars were
built in the '70s.
How super are they today?

"To find out, The Stig's going
to set a lap time in

"a Vauxhall Astra diesel.
You will then attempt to beat
his time in your cars.

"You lose points for every
second over The Stig's time,

"and gain points for every
second under it."

CLARKSON: The Stig was really
on it. But a diesel hatchback?
Come on.

-They've got a Lamborghini,
a Maserati, and a Ferrari...

-I can see that...
-Easily gonna
be able to beat...

And across the line in, one
minute thirty-five seconds.

Well actually,
I'd say we stood a... Hello!

May!

-May has joined us.
-Now hang on, have you come
by bus or are you in your car?

Is it on a truck?
No, I'm in my car.

No, it's not. It's fine.

Did it break down
on the way here?

-No, I just had to stop and
fill it up with electricity.

CLARKSON: Given that James'
car was actually running,

we decided to make
hay and send it out first.

Three, two, one, go!

This is a piece of cake.

Oh, hang on.

Smoke.

CLARKSON: Oh, my God!
MAY: I got so excited,
I wet myself.

CLARKSON: Your car's
done a wee.

Do you think, if we get this
going again, you will actually
be able to do one lap?

Yes, I do. And a...

And a good one at that.

Go!

It's a right-hander,
I'm turning into the apex,
snatching third...

1 minute, 18.
He's not even in sight.

I'm... Oh, shit.

Whoa, whoa!

He's gonna make it!

And the V8 Lamborghini is,

Yeah?
Stig was 1.35.

1.58.

Rubbish.

HAMMOND: Next, it was my
Ferrari, so far the most
reliable car of the day.

Oh!
The mirror's just come off!

Um...

...Two, one, go!

HAMMOND:
And with 255 horsepower,
it was also the most powerful.

It's indicating
100 miles an hour.

This is probably about 50.

He's very competitive.

He is very competitive.

He's taking it very seriously.

It rolls!

CLARKSON: Hammond gave
his all, but he was still
slower than The Stig.

How long before Hammond
blames a misfire?

1 minute, 43 seconds.

Oh!

The problem is it rolls,
so I thought I'll have to
make up time on the straights.

Yeah but the engine
sounded pretty healthy.

-And then it
developed a misfire...

I knew! I knew you'd say...

It did!

CLARKSON:
Finally, it was the turn
of the mighty Merak.

Go!

V6.

CLARKSON: It may only be a V6,
but remember, this is the
SS version

with 220 horsepower.

4,000 rpm!

And that's all the rebuilt
engine has to give.

Nicely balanced, though.

That car is...

Why won't you rev?

An appalling heap of junk.

Come on! Come on, car!

I've got it. Don't say it...

I've got no brakes.

The excuses are coming.
Here we go.
Oh, he's not stopped.

I've got no brakes!

CLARKSON:
I also had no coolant.

Do you know what would cure
that? Spending £10,000 on an
engine... Oh, somebody has!

It's a bit steamy, I've no
brakes. Oil pressure has
completely gone.

So, do you want
to know or not?

Well, tell me what I did
with no brakes.

1 minute...

...54!

54. That is brave.

CLARKSON: To find out why our
lap times were so woeful,

we were given
another challenge.

This is a rolling road which
you use to measure power.

Now what we're gonna do,
is put the cars on it and find
out how many of the horses

that were put into their
engines when they were new,

have escaped over the years.

And, obviously, we lose points
for every horsepower that's
gone missing.

CLARKSON: Now, we weren't
covering our ears because of
the noise from Hammond's

fake Ferrari, but because
James was boring us to death.

It measures the wheel
horsepower and then by letting
it run down, it converts the

mechanical drag
into the extra horsepower
in the fly wheel.

Good.

CLARKSON: Remember, the Dino
had 255 horsepower when it
left the factory 30 years ago.

How much have you lost?
So what's he got to hit?

It said 194. That's not bad!

So 194 brake
horsepower is what
it's actually producing.

61.

-Rampant Italian horses.
-61 horsepower have escaped.
That's how many a year?

Think of it another way.
That's a VW Lupo has escaped
from your engine!

CLARKSON: Now, will the
Lambo run long enough for
the machine to take a reading.

This machine goes up to
450 brake horsepower.

Oh, well, I hope we're okay.

I think we might be fine.

See? V8, 2.5 litres.

220 brake horsepower to beat.

It's lost 103.

So it's got 117 left!

Is there enough
power to get it off?

CLARKSON: Then it was
the turn of the Maserati.

But first, I've discovered
something worrying in
the service history.

Note, please, item two, badge.

Badge SS

Oh!

£38 for an SS badge!

I bought a car that's got
a 38 quid badge on it.

CLARKSON: There was
some good news, though.

Because it turned out I
only had an ordinary Merak,

it meant I only had to reach
190 horsepower, not 220.

Oh, yeah, here we go!

Come on, what is it?

What?
80.

80.

80!

They've all got away!
There must be a big gate
open on the back and all your

horses just got out!
Your car is garbage.

Very good. Now,

we're going to be picking
that up later on, but for now

it's time to update our
Italian mid-engined supercars

-for less than a second-hand
Mondeo challenge.
-Chart!

And, first up, the lap.
Well, I won that
in my Ferrari.

Just minus 8 points there.

Can I just say, I did only
have 80 horsepower?

Yes, exactly. So horsepower,

I won that as well with
my Ferrari. Good.

Then we come to the unforeseen
breakdowns, that was none
for you Jeremy...

Ah, yes. None for me,
but you knocked your
rear view mirror off.

Oh rubbish, that doesn't
count. I did that.
Ah, it doesn't count.

Then there's James,
what were you? You were...

-Three.
-No, you weren't.
You were four.

Exactly.
You arrived on a truck!

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
It hadn't started then.

It had started for us.
You just turned up late.

HAMMOND: We had started.
It's minus 20.
So, there you go.

And now, the next one
is the big one, okay?

Insurance.
That's the main problem
with cars of this type. Okay?

We had to go out
and get a quote to see
how low we could go.

And mine was,
for the Maserati, £300.

Yeah.
A year?

Yeah.
For a Maserati?

-Don't be ridiculous.
-No, you see,
the reason is very simple.

Unlike you, I'm a respectable
middle-aged man,

unlike you, I don't have
any points on my licence.

It's kept in an alarmed,
locked garage in one of the
safest part of the country.

Yeah but hang on a minute,
though, because you are, what,

a journalist
and a broadcaster.

-Yup.
-And I happen to know that
those are two of the highest

rated insurance
risks on the book.

Yup, you're exactly right,
which is why I told them
I was a doctor.

MAY: So you're lying?

Your doctorate isn't real!
It just arrived
in the post one day!

A university made me a doctor.
I am a doctor. It's £300.
How does it work?

£500 was the benchmark,
you get a point for every £100
you are under it.

So, incredibly,
you get two points there.

Two points for being a doctor.

Go on, then, what was yours?
Yeah.

-Well, I said I'm an
after-dinner speaker.

I've done two!
You see?

-Two hundred.
-It is two, it's every week.
Anyway, what was your quote?

Well, for a big corporate
bank, £5,000. I suppose for a
charity I'll do it for £3,500.

No, you blithering idiot.
What was your insurance quote?

Oh! A grand. £1,000.

That includes, presumably,
the £800 to cover your
new expensive teeth?

I've not had my
teeth whitened.

I just haven't. So I actually
lose, that's minus five.

-Englebert's going down here
with his new teeth.
-HAMMOND: That's bad.

James, you?

Now, I was honest,
and I said, I'm a journalist
and a broadcaster.

And I bet you told them
you lived in London as well.

Yes, single. Car parked on the
street. Live in an area of
London that's usually on fire.

So, your quote was?

£5,000!

Actually, you know,
we're laughing...
I once had an Escort Cosworth,

okay, years and years
and years ago,

and I got a quote for that
of £22,000! Twenty-two grand!

-Hang on, the car wasn't
worth that!
-Oh, no, it was worth £19,000!

Anyway, where are we up to?

Right, now,
I get to minus 28...

No, that's you, Jeremy.
You're at minus 28.

-I'm on minus
20 in my Ferrari.
-CLARKSON: 20, it's close.

And James,
you lost another 45 there.

I'm on minus...

No, he's on minus 99!

Well, I was going for 100.
Minus 99, James!

Well done, James.
Quite frankly,
you'd have done better

if you hadn't bought a car.

Now, we've got to move it on.
We'll pick this up later
as I said, but for now

we've got to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

For me, she is just the
biggest star in the firmament.

She's a goddess.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome, Ellen MacArthur!

Hello. How are you?

I'm good.

Have a seat.

Oh, this is...

My life is complete.

Every single week, every
week since this new type of
Top Gear started,

every week I've said, have we
got Ellen MacArthur
on this week?

And every week,
"No, we haven't."
You're always on a boat.

-It's a problem.
-Even this week,
where have you been?

I just got back from Brazil.
In a race over there
from France.

Finished about a week ago.

You've got the world
record now, the fastest person
ever to sail round the world.

And obviously we've all seen
those things on TV and we've
all read the books.

Well, I've read them!
Just...

The thing is, I want to talk
about the southern oceans,
okay?

How big are they?

Um, they're endless, I think
the easy way to say it.

Because they go round and
round the bottom of the earth
so...

-The wind does?
-The wind, the weather,
the waves, everything.

In the northern hemisphere,
where we are, there's
land mass.

The storms are stopped
by the land mass.

In the southern ocean, there's
nothing to stop the storms,

they just roll round and
round. So the waves get
bigger and bigger and bigger.

So, how big?
It's incredible.

How big? Hmm.
Twice the height
of the studio, I reckon.

Well, that's what,
30, 60 feet?

60 feet.
Yeah, I'd say 60 feet.

And they're very, very long,
so they're big,
but it's like, uh,

it's like going down mountains
but quite kind of
rolling mountains

and suddenly you get a steep
one, and they're the ones
to watch out for.

-Because you'd just,
nose-dive straight in.
-Just go down.

Which, in the daytime,
is not too bad

because obviously you can see
where you're going,

but at night-time
you can't see anything.

And the sea, of course,
is constantly changing.

There's no sense
of rhythm, is there?

There's no sense of,
"I'm used to this now."

'Cause any minute now
you could have
a really huge wave.

Yeah, there are definitely
freak waves and
you do feel those.

Well, you hear them,
the force when they
hit the boat.

But also with a multi-hull
it's harder.

B&Q, the boat I took round
the world, has three hulls.

So it's like having, um...
Like a car having six wheels.

You know, something could hit
any one of those six wheels
and it would be affected by it

it's just
the same with a boat.

So, you can never
really predict what
the boat's gonna do.

Sometimes she's about to go
and then suddenly
the other hull gets hit.

And it's very, very
violent, the motion.

And you don't even get
any sleep do you,
on these massive voyages?

Well, not really what I'd call
a good eight hours!

Obviously not! No...

No, quite
a long way from that.

Sleep is the single
hardest thing you
have to deal with out there.

Harder than the waves,
harder than fixing things,
harder than everything,

it's just the sleep.
Because, it's, you know,

sleep deprivation
is used as torture

and when you really can't
sleep because your life's
in danger if you do sleep,

you really suffer
and you really tough it out.

Well, how long would you
sleep for, then,
in an average day?

-Uh, depends.
-Down there, anyway,
in the southern oceans?

There was a period, very long,
during three days,

where I don't think I slept
for more than 20 minutes.

-That was horrendous.
-It is! It's... God, isn't it?

-It's just... And you're 24...
-29 now.

Twenty-nine, then, it was.
Most 29-year-olds
are in bed until lunchtime!

Going clubbing, yeah.

Have you ever got into a
position when you thought,
"I really want to give up,

-"this is just too
much like hard work"?
-No.

-You've never been
in that position?
-Not at sea.

At sea,
you know why you're out there.

You have to do your absolute
best until that finish line.

And you have to pace yourself.

You have to see,
"How long do I have to
keep this up for?"

And you know
the one thing that's for sure

is when you finish,
you'll be absolutely
exhausted.

You bet! The lovely one
I know you're always
saying is about

-how people sustain you by
sending emails, into the...
-Hmm.

Shit. But they do don't they?

They really do, yeah.

My favourite one, I'm going to
share it with you, was one of
the emails we picked out

which is, "Dear Ellen..."

This was from a
bloke in England.

"You're such a gutsy girl,
that I felt I should be doing
something with my life.

"So I went into the shed,
fixed the lawnmower,

"and mowed the lawn for
the first time in two years."

So you had
a profound effect on him,
whoever this was.

That's cool, yeah!

-'Cause I've tried sailing,
obviously.

Yeah, I have! You know
those Hobie Cats
you rent on the beach?

I had the most monumental
crash in one of those.
Honestly.

You're batting along at...
How fast do they go,
20 knots?

Maybe, yeah. Tops.

Big, 29-foot thing.

I had a harness on, so I was
leaning over, and one of the
hulls dug into the sea.

-So you're catapulted off
-It stops very quickly,
doesn't it?

Absolutely stops dead.

But I carried on,
17 stone of me, in my harness,
got a five-point thing,

17 stone stopped
by my testicles.

Agh!
You don't have that of course!

-Have you had any big crashes?

Yes.
Bigger than that for example?

Where they just stop?

-I've done the same thing
in a 60-foot trimaran.

Straight over the top.
Where you strapped on to it?

No.
Were you harnessed on?

We were inside. There's a
little cabin, like a little
capsule in the middle,

where you can basically
get out of the weather.

There were five of us on the
boat, and literally, the
boat's steered by rudders

and one of them kicked up,
'cause it was a kick-up
system for security,

and when we turned the boat
to try to slow the boat down,
a wave rolled underneath,

went straight under
the middle rudder, so that
came out of the water.

And so we just went straight
over the top.

One corner of the boat,
as you go over, 'cause you
kind of go over diagonally,

would have been
about 75 feet off the water.

-And you were inside?
-I was inside, so the whole
world goes upside down

and left becomes right
and right becomes left...

And that hurts when it lands?

It goes dark as well.

-Underwater?
-Suddenly it goes dark because
you don't have the light

coming through any more.
Because it's... Yeah.

So, you're underwater.
That must have hurt like
hell when you landed.

It's a big thud
'cause it's a huge
framework to go over.

I'm just staggered
at everything you ever do.

I'll tell you what it is.
I once did this show
ages ago about

about what it was that makes
the human race advance,

and you're one of those people
who, rather than sitting in
the cave going,

"Oh, this is
quite comfortable,"

you actually go,
"I wonder what's in
the next valley?"

Without people like you, the
human race simply wouldn't
have become what it is.

"I can't just sit at home.
I can't do that."

I'm presuming
that's what you'd think.

I'm not very good at sitting
at home. I'm not very good
at not doing anything.

I'm not very good at holidays.
I don't switch off very
easily. I need a project.

-You see,
I'm brilliant at that!

I am the world champion
of watching television.

I'd still be sitting in a cave
going, "It's all right, this."

Not for you, having said
"No, I'm going to go
and discover South America."

And that's why we should all
be grateful to people like you

'cause we would still be
eating deer and wearing fur.

So, anyway, I want to see
how you did on your lap,
obviously.

How was it out there?

Um...

The first comment has to
be I think I could
have done a bit better.

-You could have done better?
-I was pleading for
another lap!

At the end I said,
"Please can I have
another lap?"

They said, "No, no. That's it,
Ellen." "Please can I have
another lap?"

Well It was going dark,
actually, to be brutally
honest with you.

It's very difficult to
film someone at night.

-We'd see the lights go by.
-That'd be fine. I'd be
perfectly happy with that.

Just to show you how
competitive Ellen is, you did
actually ask the producer,

"Have I got the same amount of
petrol in my car that
everybody else has?"

Yeah, I did.

I'm telling you, it's a
Suzuki Liana, it's got
80 brake horse power,

it makes no difference how
much petrol is in it,
quite frankly.

-Anyway, shall we have
a look at Ellen's lap?
-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Yeah. Here we go,
let's have a look at this.

CLARKSON: You've not wasted
too much of your life actually
driving cars, have you?

No, I'm at sea for six
months of every year, so...

CLARKSON: Now I looked back
at your car history, and it
was completely unspectacular,

so where did you learn to
drive? That was quick.

ELLEN: I didn't say much in
the car, I'm afraid.

No, I can imagine you were...
You haven't wept yet.
That's another...

CLARKSON: Have you
learnt all this just
today from The Stig?

ELLEN: He's pretty good,
is The Stig. Yeah.

CLARKSON: You've never done
anything like this before?

Uh, three times
on a go-kart track.

CLARKSON: These lines
we're looking at are bang on.

Ooh!
Look at that, ready?

CLARKSON: No,
that is honestly, that is...

Ellen, this is impressive.
I've got to be honest.

- Look at that!
Tongue's come out!

Did you lift off there?

Ooh!

CLARKSON: No, no, you're fine!
ELLEN: Looks worse from
outside the car, actually.

CLARKSON: I promise you,
this is quick.

Here we go.
Second to last corner,
that's beautifully cut.

Smooth as silk,
that one is. Gambon.

Ooh, this is a bit wide but
quick, to be brutally honest,

and there we are across
the line, everybody!

So...

So where do you reckon, then?

Well, the question is,
do I have to put it on there
'cause I'm small,

or do you have
to put it on there
'cause you're tall?

Oh, trust me,
I have to put it on there.
After a lap like that,

you're not down with...
We'd still be sitting
here waiting for Wogan.

Oh, here he comes!

No, no, you're tall enough
not to be able to reach it.

I've no idea. I really don't.
All I know is I'd have liked
another go, so...

This is a much bigger
challenge than anything
you've ever done before.

I appreciate that.

I was pretty nervous
out there. This morning
I was nervous, yeah.

Of course you were!
There's 250 million
people watching this!

There's nobody
watching you out at sea.

You did it in...

One minute...

Forty-six...

Point seven! You've done it!
First place!

Brilliant!

That's quite emotional.

It is emotional, that.

Because, I mean,
there's all these...
And that is a stunning...

The other thing I must say,
that's why we didn't let you
do another lap.

"Can I do another one?"
"Not a lot of point, love!"

You've just beaten it.
You did a 1.47 on your
first one.

1.47 exactly on the second.
So exactly consistent
lap times.

And anyone who knows anything
about driving, that's the key.

And then popped in a 1.46.7.

Quicker than Jimmy Carr,
fastest person ever.

Your life is now complete.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ellen MacArthur!

God, I feel
strangely inadequate.

Anyway, it's time for a
rare dose of the real world,

because I've been driving
the sort of car that people
actually buy.

MAY: The Renault Clio.
It's not as well built
as a Polo,

not as good to
drive as a Fiesta,

and nor is it as pretty
as a Peugeot 206.

Yep. We love it!

The thing is, it has
incredible charm and style.

It's the very essence of the
chic European super mini.

The sort of car
that just makes you happy.

Well, when I say it makes you
happy, what I mean is
it made you happy.

Because this Clio is no more.

Yes, there's a new one.

And even before I've
gone ten meters,
I'm inclined to say,

crikey! Vive la difference!

First, the looks.
All the mad lumps and
bumps have gone.

It's restrained, mature
and sophisticated

and if you go for wider tyres,
you even get wider front
wings to match.

That is haute couture
for cars.

And it's the same with the
interior. The old car was a
mass of scratchy plastic

and you didn't really get very
much, but now look at it!

It's grown up. It's got funky,
interesting and
rather smart details.

It's almost as if that ginger
kid off Rock School had
had a makeover.

On top of that, you get a
wide selection of petrol
and diesel engines

and it's yours for between
£9,000 and 15,000.

Or, on average, just £200
more than the old model.

And, finally, this car now
has the largest interior
in its class.

I think by now you've probably
got the point.

The new Clio is altogether
more refined and accomplished
than its predecessor was.

It's the sort of car that the
French hope will make up for
their dismal showing

in the Top Gear
satisfaction survey.

Doubtless one day you'll
tell us if that's true or not.

But now to more
pressing matters.

We're anxious to find out if
the new Clio can still do what
the old one did so well.

That is,
put a smile on your face.

Which is why
we're in Portugal.

For centuries, the Portuguese
have struck fear into the
hearts of sardines everywhere.

But now it's payback time.

Because we're going to cause
a bit of mayhem on the
streets of Lisbon.

This is Gee Atherton.

He's 20 years old and he's one
of the world's top downhill
bike racers.

His speciality is
the urban race,

which involves blasting down
narrow streets and alleyways
at break-neck speed.

Something that requires
great skill and agility.

So here's the challenge.

To see if the new Clio can do
the urban hustle as well as
the old one,

I'm going to take him on.

And here's how
it's going to work.

Car and bicycle start up here
at the Pasa del Sardino.

Then we make our way down
through the winding streets
and alleyways to the

finishing line,
which is by the sea.

His route is four kilometres.
Mine's less, at three,

but he can go places I can't,
so that's fair.

And just to be on the safe
side, I've also switched to
the bigger 1.6 petrol engine.

So, all that's left
is to psyche out Darth Vader.

-How many gears you got,
on your bike then?
-Nine.

Nine?
My mountain bike's got 21.

-Nine's all I'm gonna need.
-Yeah?

-What's the chances of
you falling off?
-Not much chance.

We'll see.

MAY: We're off!

Oi! Tricky hairpin.

Bollocks, I think I might
have just clipped Lisbon.

Come on!

I made the mistake
of pretending I was a bike.

Agh! Agh!
Sorry!

And now the kid was
breathing down my neck.

When the roads
opened out just a bit,

the Clio was very good.
Very nippy!

Come on, come on, come on!

But what I didn't realise
was just what a nutter
the cyclist could be.

That's terrifying.

Sorry about that.

We were now both at sea level,
with just a few hundred
metres to go.

Paved road!

Come on! Come on!

He's there!

He'd beaten me by ten seconds.

Well done, sir.

Permission to say, "Oh, cock!"
on BBC 2.

CLARKSON: Very good.

Good car.

Yup. I like it.

It is a good car.
The only thing I've got
to ask really is,

how much damage did you
cause to it while losing to
the boy on a bicycle?

Well, quite a lot, but the
way I look at it is this,

it's only about the same
as a week of driving in Paris.

-So it was a relevant task,
then?
-Yes.

Speaking of which,
it's time to get back
to tonight's challenge.

We've all bought supercars
for less than £10,000

and we're doing a number of
challenges with them,

as we go on one of our frankly
epic voyages

from Bristol, here, to a
lap-dancing bar in Slough
about here.

When you look at it like that,
it's not exactly the most
arduous journey

No.
ever undertaken, is it?

Nevertheless it's taken us
half a day to get to about
here.

And so far we've learnt that
James's Lamborghini
is rubbish,

Jeremy's Maserati is slow,

and my Ferrari...

Isn't a Ferrari.

-It is!
-It is not a Ferrari.
Teeth, be quiet.

-It's a...
-Let's get back
to the action.

CLARKSON:
While you were away, the cars
had their tanks drained

and were then given 25 litres
to get them to the lap-dancing
club in Slough,

96 miles away.

To get to Slough, with the
fuel we've just put in,

we have to average
17 miles to the gallon.

-Apparently, yes.
-Which, in a normal
car...

Piece of cake.
No problem.

These aren't
entirely normal cars.

CLARKSON: To make matters
worse, it had become obvious
that the lap of Castle Combe

had hurt my engine badly.

Now, this is a half-French,
half-Italian car.
That's a worry.

See, when the French and the
Italians come together to do
cooking, that's great.

But when they come together
to make a car, run.

Run for your life.

Now, I'm following Jeremy
in his Maserati.
I'm doing 48 miles an hour,

and I get the distinct
impression that he's going
flat out.

Look at that! Overtaken.

CLARKSON: For our next
challenge, we had to go to a
service centre in Chippenham.

Yeah, yeah. That'll help.
No, don't do that!

Right. Challenge, I think.

It's just a bit tappety.

-Yeah, from both ends.
-In the way that a
dumper truck is.

Right...

I'm stuck!

You are now in a race.
With no outside help, each of
you must change the oil in

-your car,
and all the spark plugs.
-Oh, no.

Actually, come to think of it,
you've got a V6,
we've got V8s.

I've only got 6 spark plugs.
That's a good point.

But I've never held a spanner
in my life.

Well, he has. But on, like,
old British motors...

All I have to do now,

is demonstrate to you two why
I'm a doctor of engineering,
twice.

HAMMOND:
The good doctor then started
work on his spark plugs

rather than changing his oil,
which was actually quite dim.

Well, no. You'll need it to be
hot for the oil to drain,
'cause it's thick.

Otherwise you get
big lumpy bits,
in your case, full of metal,

hanging around at the
bottom of your engine.

HAMMOND: Oddly, James began
by doing housework.

The bonnet is eating my head.

HAMMOND:
So the good doctor came up
with an engineering solution.

Meanwhile, James had got going
and got stuck.

I don't see how
I'm going to do that.

HAMMOND: While Jeremy
had resorted to shouting.

Come on! Come on!

I sound like I'm
in a porn film.

HAMMOND: Their problem
was inaccessible spark plugs.

Not something
that was troubling me.

I'm actually dawdling!

I don't want to
win by too much!

Oh, I can't get at this one.
Oh, look, it's obscured
by this lead.

You've got mechanics' butt
cheek. Do you know that?

HAMMOND: After a brisk 50
minutes, Dr Clarkson had
finished changing his plugs.

Yes! All six.

HAMMOND: And set about making
a mess of his oil change.

That went well.

HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
James was being pedantic.

And I was hampered
by height issues.

The race to the finish
was between me and the doctor.

Yes?

Yeow!
That's it.

First to start their engine.

-We've got the times? One hour
13 minutes point two for you.
-Yeah.

13.25 for me. Half a second.

-I may have made a
bit of a mess, though.
-Meanwhile...

MAY: I'm quite happy
doing this,
if you'd like to sod off.

CLARKSON: As we left
Chippenham, it became clear
that the pit stop hadn't

really done my Maserati
much good.

That's a great sound.

CLARKSON:
Our next challenge was
in the town of Marlborough,

and all I had to
do was get there.

Look at all the dials here.
My oil temperature, minus 20.

Fuel, depends on what sort
of corner I'm going around.

Time, wrong. Battery, wrong.

Never mind. Could be worse.

This time, James had broken
down outside a school

at lunch time.

Way to go, James.

It's broken!

This is humiliating.

What has he done?

The best thing we can do
to help James now
is just go.

CLARKSON: Eventually we
made it into Marlborough,

where the locals could sense
the tension of an upcoming
three-way duel.

Supercars are notoriously hard
to see out of.

They also have very heavy
clutches and very heavy
steering.

So which would be the easiest
to park?

Right, we have to park our
supercars in this space,
against the clock.

And Hammond's first.
Are you ready? Go!

This space is not big
enough for this car.

Is he going to hit?

I'm about right!

-Hooray!
-That's a point off!

Are you looking where you're
going or using the Force?

Yes!

Two points off!

That's it, I'm parked.

Parked, have you?

-That's perfect!
-I'll call a cab and then
he can get to the kerb.

MAY: Have a little walk down
the kerb to your car.

One minute, 38.7.

Go!

MAY: Next, it was the
turn of the poorly Merak.

18 years I lived in London,

making this a piece of cake.

There you go. That's a touch!

That wasn't a touch.

Is it heavy, mate? Ooh!

Hope the engine lasts
as long as this manoeuvre.

There. Finished.

That is so neat.

One minute exactly.
One minute.

CLARKSON: Then it was James'
turn. And because his Lambo
was very long and very hard to

see out of, we waited for him
to fetch it and then helped
him out a little bit.

You evil man! That's
brilliant! That's genius.

About that much?

Ready, James?
Three, two, one, go!

He's moving.

That's not a very good angle.

Sorry.

CLARKSON: That kind of
set the tone, really.

Kerb!
Touch!

It doesn't fit!
Touch!

Another touch.
Two minutes 14, and he's
having another crack at it.

Another touch.

He's kerbed the wheel!
Another touch!

Touch!
Kerbed!

Kerbed!
Oh, God!

MAY: Did I do that?
I'm really sorry.

Well, James,
three minutes, 20 seconds.

And carnage brought
to the town of Marlborough.

CLARKSON: So far, we've only
covered 50 miles and things
were going badly.

James had broken down
more times than Sienna Miller,

and the tappety noise
in my Maserati was
getting louder.

How can it be so difficult
to drive from Bristol to
Slough?

MAY: Jeremy keeps banging on
about the tappets,

but that is something
much, much more serious.

That's the whole bowels
of the engine disintegrating.

The one dial that was working
this morning, oil pressure,

now says nought.

What genuinely scares me at
the moment, is if the engine
stops,

I lose all braking.

I don't mean if it gets worse,
I mean, it goes completely.

CLARKSON: So would I make
it to the finishing point at
the lap-dancing bar?

60 miles to go.

I'm going for a gear change.

It's worked!

CLARKSON: But then...

I mean, I've lost brakes.

I've lost brakes.

Just a small technical point.
Your engine didn't cut out.

-It disintegrated.
-James, could you not,
on my grief...

-It was like flying into a
cloud in a small aeroplane.
-With bits of engine...

MAY: Bits of engine striking
the front of my car.

I think, gentlemen, I'm out.

HAMMOND: You're out. Yeah.

James, do you know what?
Let's go, mate.

-Mine's still working.
-MAY: Yeah, all right.
I'll follow you, yeah?

Yeah. I'm running out of fuel

I can't carry extra weight.
Sorry.

Jeremy has fallen
spectacularly.

There's no way James's Lambo
can make it.

It's mine! It's in the bag!

HAMMOND: All I had to do
was drive economically

because, of course, we
weren't allowed to refuel.

Don't overtake, you fool!

That's brilliant.
That's put my red light on.

HAMMOND: Nevertheless,
20 miles later,
we were still going.

I'm in the centre of Reading,
in a bright yellow Ferrari,

with no fuel in it, that could
conk out at any minute.

Right.

Please don't go here,
please don't go here,
please don't go here.

Traffic's building up.

Bad for Hammond's fuel
consumption, bad for my
electrical supply.

HAMMOND: Amazingly,
I made it through Reading,

but then it really was time
to clutch at straws.

I've discovered something.
When I turn right,

the needle moves
up off the stop.
So if I keep turning right...

I've got more petrol.

Come on, Hammond,
do the decent thing
and run out of petrol.

Come on, little Ferrari.

Be frugal. Just sip.

MAY: Hammond's miracle-powered
car was beginning to worry me

but then, just ten miles
from our destination...

What was that?

MAY: That's Hammond out!

Would you like me to
keep a dancing girl
warm for you?

No, I'd like you
to give me a lift.

You know the rules, mate.
Sorry.

Can't believe it.

MAY: And so, with Top Gear
presenters littering most of
southern England,

the Lamborghini soldiered on.

The car that had started the
day on the back of
a tow-truck,

the car that had taken so
much stick from Clarkson
and Hammond,

was the only one left running.

All I need is enough
electricity and enough petrol

to get to this Peppermint
Rhinoceros place.

Yes, I was just seven miles
from gentleman's club heaven.

It's smoking like hell.

Just keep going, car.
I'll let you come in with me.

But then,
just outside Slough.

MAN 1:
BBC Radio Berkshire.

WOMAN:
BBC Radio Berkshire.

MAN 2:
And time for the latest
on the roads now.

There's some news coming in

of some huge
tailbacks on the A4,
just to the east of...

MAY: And guess
what was causing it.

Yep, I was out as well.

So...

So, in the end...

In the end, then,
your car broke down as well.

Yes, it did, and that
means, essentially,
in case you missed it,

none of our £10,000 supercars
could get us to a lap-dancing
bar in Slough.

No, I must say, I was hoping
to end the evening in a rather
different sort of hedge,

but there we are.

I have to say, great respect.
Your engine explosion was
absolutely spectacular.

You're not joking. I actually
collected the pieces off
the road.

Look at this, okay?
These are bits of the
crank case

which blew a hole
in the side of the engine.

And look. That, my big end
ended up in a bucket.

-Oh! That's not what you want.
-It just showered your car,
didn't it?

I could hear it.

You're looking a bit smug,
but I don't think you ran
out of petrol, did you?

No, what actually happened
was a complete
and catastrophic failure

-of all the engine electrics.
All of them gone.

-Yup. So, therefore this is...
-This is useless. As useless
as our cars, in fact.

Absolutely. But no matter.
We did end up with
a Top Gear top tip, okay?

Yes, you can buy a supercar
for less than £10,000

-but for the love
of God, don't.

And that's all we've really
got time...
Oh, no, wait a minute.

No. Next week, okay?
Next week, we've got this.

That isn't so much a throttle
that my right foot's on,
it's a hyperspace button.

World's going backwards!

I've been in some quick stuff
in my time but nothing...

Nothing like this.

That is the fastest car
in the world

and it's in, what, it's the
biggest-ever race we've
ever done, across Europe.

You've got to watch it.
See you then. Goodnight.