Original subtitles

Bring in the guards. I want this truck loaded as quickly as possible.

Yes, sir.

Careful with this. I intend to return Thrush property...

in the same condition it was in when they put it here.

Well, doctor, it may not look much like a Thrush laboratory anymore...

but I must confess, I'll be very grateful...

to see some furniture and paintings in here again.

Well, it's about that time, isn't it, huh? Tsk.

Let's show Mr. Baldanado what he's got here.

Oh, there you are.

Tell me, dear heart, why don't you shake loose with a couple of bucks...

and hire a real decorator to do this?

I mean, well, I don't mind running around at the stores...

and picking out fabrics for you, lover.

But after all...

my experience is not exactly in the field of, uh, homemaking, you know?

Jojo, we are a little tied up with business right now.

- Honey, why don't you...? - Pendleton.

Oh, yes, sir. The moving van is here, Mr. Baldanado...

and the equipment will be on its way back to you and...

You recall Miss Tyler, sir.

She was with me at the Alpha Section dinner party last month.

Ah, yes, yes, the martini champion...

in the black sheath dress, as I recall.

How do you do, Miss Tyler?

Uh... How do you do?

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Um, ahem. Harry, I still have some more samples out in the car.

I'll...

I'll just be right back.

Dr. Segal, that box you're hovering over...

I trust represents some tangible results.

Results?

I will show you results.

You see, Mr. Baldanado...

to produce positive or negative ions in any particular atmosphere...

well, that in itself is nothing.

But by inserting these in the machine which you already have...

to magnify and intensify those ions...

the effect upon any victim would be absolute.

Very good, Dr. Segal. Very good.

Pendleton, I have four competent engineers

here to help you install those two spheres.

Thrush Central expects the projector...

to be operative and in Hong Kong by the end of the week.

I intend to meet that schedule.

I can have them installed by then, sir, if I can get to the machine immediately.

Mr. Baldanado, about my payment...

Goodbye, Dr. Segal.

This is Trailblazer. Illya?

Go ahead.

Well, the place is crawling with creepy little thrush birds, all right.

One 30-caliber machine gun outside the wall.

Another one on a tripod halfway to the house.

Intelligence was right about their using the place...

to develop components for some sort of new weapon.

I just overheard the components are ready and they're all set to ship them out...

wherever it is they've got the weapon itself.

I would suggest that you proceed, old bean, with alacrity.

All right?

Come on.

The unfortunate fact remains, doesn't it?

What fact is that, Harry?

I mean, well, we've never really discussed the technicalities...

of your business.

Precisely. You're not a member of Thrush...

and I didn't tell you much about it, of course.

But yet you've witnessed the demise of our good doctor here.

So I'm sure you won't blame me...

for wanting to ensure your silence, as it were.

Now, wait a minute, Harry Pendleton.

I may not have that funny little Thrush bird of yours tattooed on my chest...

but I'm certainly no blabbermouth.

Why, any guy I've ever gone out with, I have never...

My men just captured themselves a slightly battered enemy agent.

An U.N.C.L.E. agent.

If that means anything to you.

So now he'll have to be killed.

What is this all of a sudden...

with everybody killing everybody all of a sudden?

I mean, well... Well, last night...

we just went to the movies.

So I was thinking that, perhaps...

I might take you into the next room and let you kill him.

Well?

That would make you one of our little Thrush family...

wouldn't it, honey?

Just like the rest of us.

Oh, Harry.

You see, my dear...

our personal relationship notwithstanding...

either you do away with that U.N.C.L.E. agent...

thereby committing yourself and your life entirely to Thrush...

or you'll have no life at all...

sweetheart.

You two should study each other closely.

I believe that when two people are about to do something together...

they should at least...

observe the amenities.

Mr. Solo, may I present your executioner.

- No. No, please, I can't. - Oh, come on, sweetheart.

It isn't as though you've led such a squeaky-clean life up to now, you know?

- You've been... - I was never a murderer.

I never killed anybody.

All I was, was just sort of a, heh, loser.

Honest fella.

You've got 30 seconds, Jojo.

You pull your trigger once or I'll pull mine twice.

It's about time. What did you do, walk all the way?

Say "uncle."

Come on, say it, you bumpkin.

Uncle.

All right, we have your men, your house and your moving van.

- Now, if you'll just... - Could you get his keys?

Could you do that, please?

Look, I'm not a part...

of any of this stuff that's been going on. Really, I'm not.

Look, there's a hidden compartment behind the bar...

in the room they're always using as a lab.

Jojo.

I don't know what's in there.

But it's... It's in a little black box.

And he killed the man...

who had it before.

So there.

Thank you, Jojo.

Oh, it was so awful.

The realization that Harry... Oh, it's just too horrible.

Why, if my poor dead mother ever knew...

that I got myself mixed up with a man of such terribleness and criminality...

I don't know what she'd...

- "Jojo Tyler." - What? What's that?

"Alias Jojo Barnes, alias Jojo Upson, alias..."

Now, don't you dare read that.

So I've made a few childish mistakes.

Why, any headstrong, homeless adolescent could've done exactly the same thing.

"Arrested in L.A. in 1957 passing bad checks.

Six months’ probation." That was your Jojo Barnes period.

"Arrested again in 1959.

Another bad-check charge dismissed for lack of evidence."

You see, I didn't have the initiation fee to get into this sorority.

And all of my rich girlfriends were...

That was your Jojo Upson period.

"Under the same name, arrested in 1961...

selling a thousand acres of Bolivian swampland...

to a freshman at the Sorbonne."

I loved him. I did.

"1963, arrested under the name of Jojo Grass.

Hmm. Attempted fraud at Le Pabeleau-des-Champ in Monte Carlo...

directly followed by assault and battery against the arresting gendarme...

who suffered cuts and bruises..."

That one I can tell you about. That one is absolutely untrue...

unfair and defamatory.

- Jojo. - What?

What's your real name?

Muriel Goodman.

We already knew that Thrush had instituted...

a new research department called Alpha Section.

- Really? - Really.

The lab reports we liberated from that moving van of yours...

told us what Alpha Section...

what you, Mr. Pendleton, as their chief engineer...

have been doing for the past five months.

Oh. And what might that be?

An ion projector capable of gathering ions from the atmosphere...

both positive and negative and projecting them at a given target...

in the same manner as one would fire a rifle.

Where exactly is the ion projector located, Mr. Pendleton?

Where is Alpha Section headquarters? And where were you taking those...

Those doodads in that little suitcase of yours?

Where were you sending that moving van, Mr. Pendleton?

Well? Anything?

Apparently, sir, these spheres were to act

as magnifiers in that ion machine of theirs.

At a low intensity...

the concentration of those ions can debilitate a man.

At a higher intensity, magnified with these...

drain him completely physically.

Drive him insane, perhaps.

Ah. So that's it.

Well, now, Mr. Pendleton...

They're too late, buddy boy.

I realize that the business of the poison capsule in the hollow tooth...

went out with the high-button trench coats, gentlemen, but...

Yes, nevertheless, there it is.

I've got only a few seconds left.

Look here, Mr... Mr. Waverly.

Even a Thrush official can...

Can have a family somewhere.

My... My family never knew about Thrush.

Please, please send my... My body bag.

Riverview.

Let the death certificate read...

heart attack or...

Riverview.

- See to it, will you, Fenwick? - Yes, sir.

All right, perhaps I do sometimes wish I was something better than I am.

But I did try to do right by you gentlemen, didn't I?

Couldn't I just sort of be considered the dance-hall girl with a heart of gold?

Or something, maybe?

Jojo, the man that Pendleton talked to on the television screen...

Baldanado.

Honest, I don't even know who he is. I just met him.

We do, Miss Tyler, and we want him.

We want the rest of his coworkers.

And most of all, we want the ion projector that Baldanado's department is working on.

The machine for which these spheres were developed.

You can help us achieve these goals, Miss Tyler.

Me?

Almost certainly, Baldanado's going to send men...

to follow up the personnel you included...

that were involved when U.N.C.L.E. raided the mansion tonight.

Now, I think he'll be delighted to find...

that you have rescued these spheres on Thrush's behalf, don't you?

Now, hang on there, Charlie.

Of course, Mr. Baldanado won't know...

that we've rearranged the prongs on those spheres...

to keep them from working properly.

Or that we've inserted a little homing device in each of them.

Where they go, where you go, Jojo, we can follow.

Oh, just a moment, gentlemen. Just a moment.

Up to now, this young lady has done an exemplary job of messing up her life.

It isn't fair to assume that she'd work on the chance now...

to do something constructive for a change.

Is it, Miss Tyler?

U.N.C.L.E. raided Pendleton's. How did you get out?

I beg your pardon. Please, you are wrinkling my mink.

May I inquire as to whom you two Neanderthals represent?

Just friends of the family, lady. Pendleton's family.

Oh. Well, why didn't you say so?

I thought you were a couple of those U.N.C.L.E. freaks.

Here. Harry sent me out of the place with these before he...

Poor Harry.

Pendleton? He's dead?

Suicide.

You're sure it was suicide?

Well, it's them, all right.

Well, I guess you did okay.

It did occur to me that if I could keep my head...

when all others about me were losing theirs...

why, your Mr. Baldanado might get into his head...

to thank me rather generously.

Maybe make me a little Thrushette.

Sorry, baby.

You did us a favor. That doesn't entitle you to membership.

Now, wait a minute. Now, listen, you two.

- I showed loyalty to Thrush tonight... - You're a loose end, lady.

Lesson six tells us we don't leave those lying around for U.N.C.L.E. agents.

And lesson number seven says never run, skip or jump...

when faced with an U.N.C.L.E. agent's gun.

You just walk very slowly down the steps.

You too, lady. The box, Max.

I told you, fellas.

I'm the unloosest loose end Thrush will ever have.

Come on, let's get out of here. This place will be swarming in a minute.

I've never been able to relate to women very well.

Now, however, five months of experimentation have been saved.

An U.N.C.L.E. agent has been assassinated...

thanks to a woman.

Obviously competent.

Obviously attractive.

You're... You're very kind, Mr. Baldanado.

Tomorrow morning, perhaps you'd like to go on a shopping spree.

I'd like to see you in a black sheath dress again.

You'll find that I am...

Alpha Section, that is.

A very rewarding employer.

Oooh.

Open it.

All right, you've all been yelling about what competent engineers you are.

So with or without the help of Pendleton...

I want these two spheres inserted into the projector...

and the projector shipped to Hong Kong by tomorrow evening.

That's all.

He's not going with us?

- He's, uh, busy. - Hmm.

All right, gentlemen, let's do it.

Alpha Section personnel numbers two through five.

You are programmed to admit us.

Repeat, Alpha Section personnel numbers two through five.

You are programmed to admit us.

Riverview, Connecticut?

That's where we sent Pendleton's body.

Yes, sir.

But it's also the place the homing device in those spheres led us...

until my meter went dead.

There's no reading at all now.

Mr. Waverly, Jojo has found Baldanado for us.

Well, having to trust her isn't doing too much for my ulcer, I must admit.

You follow up on Pendleton's burial.

I won't comment on my own gullibility in sending his body there.

Decent family, indeed.

Thrush family would be more appropriate.

Hello. Anything special you'd like to see?

No, I'm just looking...

for a dress for my sister.

Oh.

- I'm a bachelor. - Oh.

Well, I think we have something we could show you.

Hoo.

Mr. Baldanado.

What are you doing here, Max?

May I see you for a moment, sir, privately?

I'll be back in a moment, dear. Anything you like.

That will do fine.

Do you happen to have one in puce?

Puce? Heh.

Well, I'll check for you, sir.

Excuse me.

Jojo.

Jojo. JOJO: Who's there?

- Solo. - Who?

Oh.

We need time to operate.

If you can keep Baldanado occupied with you...

he won't be attending to business, which is fine with us.

Now, can you keep him occupied, Jojo?

Well, I'll do my little old best, honey child...

thankless though the task may be.

Forgive me, but the ion projector would seem to be more important...

I said I'd be along.

Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

Oh. By the way, U.N.C.L.E. was kind enough...

to ship Pendleton home to his family. Heh.

We'll bury him this afternoon, I presume, as planned.

Bury him? Of course.

But not as planned.

I don't quite understand.

I said, not as planned. No injection.

Sir, we need Pendleton to help us prepare the projector...

to insert those spheres properly.

If we don't inject him with the antidote of that suicide pill...

You want Pendleton dead. You don't wanna bring him back.

Mr. Baldanado, you're willing to risk killing a Thrush official...

and to ignore a command from Thrush Central...

which would probably put all our necks on the line so...

So you can have the guy's girlfriend?

Max, coffins have been known to accommodate...

two people at the same time.

Get back to work.

- Excuse me. - I beg your pardon.

It's all right.

All right, now, when Pendleton's casket arrives...

I wanna see some tears, you understand?

Lots of sadness, moping around.

Is that clear?

Well, they're bringing Pendleton down...

for what it's worth now.

How you doing?

Yeah.

You can't stop thinking about it either, can you, Max?

What's gonna happen to us when Thrush Central finds out...

we failed with this projector...

because we let our section leader murder our chief engineer...

over a woman?

You really think we can make it stick with Thrush Central?

I mean, taking contrary action on our own, that's...

Contrary? Contrary to whom?

A commanding officer happens to be coming quietly apart at the seams...

because some dippy blond finally looked at him twice...

with something besides nausea.

You bet we'll make it stick.

Believe me, it'll stick.

All right. We'll probably get shot for it.

Well, all right. Come on.

I'll get the hypodermic ready.

Should take one to two hours.

I still feel funny about this.

Well, you've never seen Baldanado get angry, have you? Ho-ho.

Max, look.

The light tower. That's all we need.

So now what, huh?

You're asking me?

We got an ion projector that won't project.

A corpse is coming back to life contrary to orders.

And for all I know, we just sealed a janitor in that bell tower.

- How do I know what to do? - All right, gentlemen, let's calm down.

I'm going to the club to see if I can find Baldanado.

Right or wrong, he's gotta know about all this.

Oh, and, gentlemen...

don't go near that tower until I get back, huh?

I'm a cold, detached man.

Efficient.

Authoritative.

Thorough.

Twenty-one years with Thrush, a leader of men.

But within my breast, deep inside...

Do you think me a fool?

I don't wanna kill any more people.

I wanna laugh.

Some of my subordinates laugh.

They even dance with women.

You make me wanna dance.

I...

I love you.

- Illya? - Napoleon?

I hate to trouble you with trivia, but I think I'm about to get killed...

and it struck me that perhaps you might want to say goodbye.

Uh... Goodbye.

What's this?

Snooping around outside, sir.

U.N.C.L.E. communicator, U.N.C.L.E. hand weapon.

U.N.C.L.E., U.N.C.L.E., U.N.C.L.E. Every time we turn around...

Sir, there's more. We've got someone trapped in the bell tower.

It's pretty obvious by now he's an U.N.C.L.E. man too.

You mean you haven't been up there to look at him, to get him?

We've been waiting for you, sir.

Hmm.

You'll wait here for me, please.

Sir, just so there won't be any trouble about it...

there is just one more thing.

We did give Pendleton the injection, the antidote.

- You what? - I'm sorry, sir.

- At whose order? - Pendleton? You mean Harry?

Sir, I beg to remind you that the uniform code of Thrush procedure...

Enough!

I wanted Harry Pendleton to stay dead and I gave you an order and...

Stay dead? What do you mean?

And you disobeyed it and I'll have your hide.

Is Harry Pendleton alive? Tell me.

Jojo, I'm sorry.

Now, you get back to the graveyard.

See to that U.N.C.L.E. agent up in the bell tower.

I'll be along.

Later, we'll see what the board of review has to say...

about Thrush underlings who lose their heads...

and make up nonexistent crises.

Get out!

I didn't mean any harm to Pendleton, dear.

It's just that I didn't wanna lose you back to him.

I told you before.

A strong, mature man, a leader of men.

You.

And now, Mr. U.N.C.L.E. man...

we'll go to my office and see why you're here...

and how you got here.

Sorry, dear, really.

Okay, now, you listen.

Your men have got my friend and I've got you.

That a fair trade?

Don't be absurd.

I see.

How about you, young lady? Are you willing to die for Mother Thrush?

Now, wait a minute, you look here.

Okay.

You get my friend out of the clutches of those maniacs of yours...

or I'll blow your girlfriend's head off.

You've got exactly five seconds to decide.

No.

All right, it's dark now. Let's get to the bell tower.

Al, you stay here with Pendleton.

And do whatever you can with those spheres.

So this is where you've been hiding.

Now, conduct yourself with care, my chubby friend.

I'd hate to blow a hole in this adorable mink coat.

The girl and I wait here.

You've got exactly five minutes to bring my friend out of this no man's land...

with all parts functioning and intact, is that clear?

Jojo, if I do this thing...

if I turn my back on Thrush, on my people...

I must be sure of you.

Of us.

I'll be waiting for you, sweetheart.

Gee, I keep forgetting to ask him his first name.

- Mr. Pendleton. - Yeah, yeah?

Are you well enough yet to answer a question or two about these spheres?

Hey, it's Baldanado.

Well, switch off the electric trap so he can get in.

If he can remember how.

You did pretty well for yourself today, Jojo.

Man does not live by bread alone, Mr. Solo.

You're kind of a lulu, you know that?

I knew I'd seen that funny hairdo before.

You're the one the girl killed out in front of her apartment the other night.

That was for our benefit, I suppose.

So U.N.C.L.E. did get to these.

And we wondered why they wouldn't work.

And that girl, leading Baldanado around by the nose.

- That girl. - Wait a minute.

What girl?

You don't mean my girl Jojo.

Hello, Mr. Baldanado.

Release that man.

- Release that man. - Sir, that is an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

- He was the one... - I said, release that man.

Yes, sir.

You, my bright, good-looking young helper.

What is happening here?

Mr. Baldanado, the sphere you're holding was...

These two spheres were supposed to be in the projector.

Why aren't they, Max?

You maybe tried to sabotage them yourself, Max?

The way you sabotage me by bringing this Casanova back to life so...

Will somebody please...?

Shut up, everybody. Shut up.

Now, listen to me, the bunch of you.

I don't need Thrush anymore.

I don't have to worry about scheming unfaithful subordinates anymore.

Because finally...

Finally, for the first time in my life...

I have something upstairs...

The girl is working for U.N.C.L.E., Mr. Baldanado.

Do you hear me? She is an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

- Liar! - Uhn!

Tell him...

Tell me what, Casanova?

Tell me what...?

Those two mean nothing.

You better come with me. Your friend gave me five minutes.

Even the first time I saw you...

so businesslike and everything.

Hey, you were saying...?

You know, I have got a week's vacation coming up pretty soon.

Oh?

With pay?

We do work well together, don't we?