All language subtitles for The Man from UNCLE - S02E13 - The Adriatic Express Affair.en

Adriatic Express Vienna
to Venice on Track 9.

You are having a happy
New Year, yes, madam?

I trust so.

At my time of life, Schultz...

every New Year is not
only happy, it is ecstatic.

Here.

Do something naughty.

I only wish I could.
Where is Herr von Kreidl?

Von Kreidl?

Yeah, the manager of my
salon. He was to meet me here.

I haven't seen anyone, madam.

Oh.

I want my chocolates.
I want my roses.

Konrad, go look for him.

Gesundheit.

Thank you. It's the draft
out here. See anything?

All I can see from where
I'm at are two little model girls.

Do you think he
could be disguised?

Perhaps, but not one of these.

Madam Nemirovitch?
Which compartment?

- Compartment G.
- G. G.

Oh! I'm terribly sorry, miss.

- Would you please let me go, sir?
- I'm sorry, I just...

If there's one thing I hate,
it's a masher in crowds.

Masher?

What about this one?

It's a phony beard.

Shall we?

- Who are you?
- I was sent by Herr von Kreidl.

From the salon. He was in the
most terrible accident, madam.

Pinned under the wheels
of a bus. Just outside.

- He didn't have his glasses on, you see?
- The old fool.

Oh, my chocolates.

And my roses. You
have brought them.

Yes, madam. Even in his pain,
he insisted I bring these to you.

Insisted. So I just ran.

Thank you. Thank you
very much, my dear.

I will telephone him from
Vienna. You'd better go.

The train is about to leave.

Oh, dear.

Happy New Year, Myrtle.

If you see Velma in Munich,
tell her I've got her turtle.

Bye. Bye.

Let me out!

- Sorry.
- Gentlemen, gentlemen.

What are you trying to
do? You could both be killed.

Stop the train. I
have to get off.

Nobody stops this train, miss.
Not before we get to the border.

The border? But that's hours
away. I can't go to the border.

I'm going to Fledermaus
tonight. This is New Year's Eve.

And this is also the Adriatic
Express. Vienna to Venice.

You gentlemen get
off at the border also?

No, I'd rather like to go all
the way through to Venice.

I've never seen the
canals frozen over.

There is no true
space available.

Well, I'm sure you'll be
able to manage something.

Doubling up might be arranged.

I hope so.

And make sure you have
something for fräulein also.

- No, thank you. Madam will.
- Look at your coat got ripped there.

I don't know what costs,
but let me get that for you.

- That's not your fault.
- No, it wasn't my fault.

It was that taxi
hitting poor Herr Von...

Oh, it was just terrible.

We were in the crosswalk and
suddenly he just flew up in the air.

You were in an accident?

The man I work for.

We were running to see
Madam Nemirovitch off...

and his legs just
went like that.

Nemirovitch?

The Olga Nemirovitch
Way to Beauty?

Was that the old
girl in the sable?

Madam Nemirovitch
is not an old girl.

She's a great woman.

I should know. I work in her
salon on the Kartnerstrasse.

Only six months and
already I'm shampooing.

I find there is a
little compartment.

And madam will take care
of your fare. This way, please.

Good.

- Mr. Waverly.
- Have you our Thrush man?

Tell him about the beard.

What? Speak up,
I can't hear you.

Yes, we're on the train with him, sir,
and he appears to be wearing a beard.

One either is or is
not wearing a beard.

Try to be more specific.

Well, sir, could you tell
us what, or who it is...

or why we're pursuing this man?

Otto von Kreidl is a Thrush agent
who is carrying a virus culture...

which, if Thrush gets its hand on
it, can revolutionize world politics.

I see. Von Kreidl.

What does the virus do?
Tranquilize the electorate?

It inhibits the ability
to reproduce, Mr. Solo.

Thrush has only to
wave that threat...

and the world will fall
over itself to meet its terms.

Something none of us can afford.

Want us to find the
culture, bring it to you?

No, no. Destroy it, utterly.

Already there are rumors.
We can't afford hysterics.

Destroy it tonight, Mr. Solo.

Yes, sir.

Happy New Year.

Same to you.

A little further, my dear.

For the last 10 years, I
have made an absolute rule...

never to sit near a
window in the daylight

without either the
blinds drawn or a veil on.

Not that it matters
to a child of your age.

- How old are you?
- Nineteen, madam.

- And you have been working in my salon?
- For six months.

Who would've thought
when I woke up this morning...

tonight I'd be on
the train to Venice?

But only as far as
the border, my dear.

I'd like to take you to Italy,
but the train is crowded.

We would have to
share this compartment.

And that would mean you would see this
as it is when I wake up in the morning.

Much too disillusioning for
a child of your tender years.

Oh, no, madam is ageless.

- They teach you to say that in my salon.
- But everyone knows it's true.

Even the young man who bumped
into me, he knew all about you.

Did he?

That's a rare
talent. Who was he?

Yes?

Madam Nemirovitch.

Don't you recognize
me? I'm Dr. Ingster.

Ingster?

What are you doing here?

You thought I wouldn't
catch up with you.

Oh, Ingster. Always
so melodramatic, really.

What will my little
friend here think of you?

Anything for a laugh, my dear. You
should see him during carnival season.

He is wicked. And
that false beard.

What did you put it on with?
Flour and water paste? All right.

All right. In the
bar in half an hour.

Don't frighten the
conductor with that thing.

Poor little man.

Do me a favor, my dear.

Two doors down, his name
is Konrad, my chauffeur.

Tell him the doctor
is on the train.

"The doctor is on
the train?" That's all?

Quite. He will know what to do.

- Oh!
- Hi.

Sorry. Hi.

I beg your pardon.

Well...

- Dead?
- Oh, yes.

Do you know who he is?

Madam Nemirovitch's chauffeur.

Is she after it too?

We better get him out of sight.

We don't wanna start
anything until we find it.

At first, they wanted me to
pose with almost nothing on at all.

Then they put me
in a bikini at the Lido.

Then ostrich feathers in a
cabana at the Cap Ferrat.

Now... now I wear nothing but heavy
tweeds for the winter showings in Florence.

It is a very dull life.

Besides, I'm too
thin, don't you think?

Good evening.

Good evening.

May I have a drink here for the
mademoiselle and a scotch for me?

- Oh, no, thank you, I...
- Be friendly.

It's a long way to the border
and it's New Year's Eve.

Bartender, would you give
this note to Herr von Kreidl?

He's the little man
sitting in the corner.

- Herr von Kreidl? Where?
- He's in the corner.

That's not Herr von Kreidl.

It's not? EVA: No.

- You know Herr von Kreidl?
- Of course.

He was the man I was
coming to the train with tonight.

There you are, Fräulein Eva. And
with a gentleman friend so soon?

You didn't tell me you
were ready for dinner.

I didn't want to
disturb you, madam.

Nothing disturbs me, child, except
occasional good-looking men.

And even not that
anymore. Good evening.

What lies have you
been telling this child?

Good evening,
madam. I never lie.

Then you are indeed unique.

I approve.

This is Mr...

Solo. Napoleon Solo, madam.

Olga Nemirovitch.

Yes, I know.

Oh.

You are the one the fräulein
says knows all about me.

No, no, I didn't say
that, but I would like to.

Solo. It is a curious name.

The feminine version, Sola,
translates as a woman alone.

Yes. Well, that could never be
true, at least in madam's case.

No?

Then you must both dine
with me. I loathe dining alone.

Herr Ober.

There will be three tonight.

Begin with iced
slivovitz. It is iced?

You will love it, my
dear. Essence of prunes.

Then prosciutto and
melon. Ripe melon.

Something wrong, madam?

Did you give my
message to my chauffeur?

- Yes, madam.
- Madam, I have been waiting.

I am sorry, Dr. Ingster.
I was delayed.

May we make it later.
After dinner? Yes, thank you.

So you thought Dr. Ingster
was Herr von Kreidl.

But they're not at all
alike. Are they, Eva?

No, madam.

Besides, why would you want to
see the manager of a beauty salon?

Your hair certainly does
not need to be tinted.

And you have the
complexion of a baby.

I must confess, madam, that
my interest in Herr von Kreidl...

was merely a means
of getting to you.

Naturally.

What else?

Madam, I'm sure that my organization
can do much more for you than his.

Are you?

But the pay is so wretched and
I have such expensive tastes.

Well, think of the satisfaction
of the experience...

of working with our group.

I know all about
satisfaction, Mr. Solo.

All my life, I have
been self-indulgent.

Animal, ruthless if you like.

Deeply fond of attractive men,
devoted to the joys of the table.

As well as all the other joys.

By rights, I should be nothing more
than an old, wretched, decrepit ruin.

You have been stamping the prunes
out with your own feet again, haven't you?

Madam, please.

No, no, no. This is
all right. This all right.

Where was I?

Uh, decrepit ruin.

But I have never
felt better in my life.

So you see, if you have come to
me now as, say, Prince Charming...

to lead me out of the woods
that surround my castle...

you are, to the best of
my hasty calculations...

just 43 years and
11 months too late.

You've been with them that long?

Dear Mr. Solo...

the entire organization
was my idea.

All alone by the telephone?

Well, you know how these long
distance calls are. One has to wait.

If you get bored, I have a
party line in my compartment.

This is my call now.

Don't forget. In an
emergency, dial operator.

At last. I've been wanting
to meet you all afternoon.

Why have you been following
me all the time? What is this?

Now, now, don't complain.
After all, we did save your life.

Your friend is in there now,
kissing her hand, all attention.

Madam Nemirovitch? Oh, well, he's
always been very fond of the ladies.

Ladies, lady. She's a monster.

- He likes animals too.
- Don't make any jokes.

Don't you realize
what has happened?

Don't you know who I am?

Well, not exactly. The beard.

Oh, here, here.

Excuse me. This is "herren?"
I thought it was "damen."

I am Madam
Nemirovitch's chemist.

The man who discovered it.

Heaven help me. It was only
to make everyone young again.

Always, you see,
she has to be young.

Only it doesn't do just that. It
does this other terrible thing too.

I told her. I never thought for a
moment that she wouldn't give it back.

Now she has it.

She can destroy the
future of the entire world.

Somebody! There's a body. Help!

What's that?

It sounds like a mouse or an opera
singer, or both if they happened to meet.

- Perhaps I'd better... Would you mind?
- No, please do. I am curious.

These young men are
becoming very clumsy.

In the old days, what
savoir faire they had.

It was always a pleasure
to lose to them occasionally.

Lose, madam?

Mr. Solo may be attractive, but
he's a very dangerous man indeed.

A member of a worldwide
criminal organization.

You may have heard
rumors of it. Called Thrush.

Yes.

They want to use our company
as a facade for their evil activities.

If I refuse, they
will destroy me.

It just might be tonight.

I might need some assistance.

Would you? EVA: Oh, madam.

I have heard of Thrush.

Anything I can do
to help fight them...

and of course, anything
I can do to help you.

You are a sweet little
thing. I saw that at once.

Put him here.

Terrible. Terrible.

- What is it?
- Oh, madam.

Konrad.

What did I tell you?

First, Herr von Kreidl.

- Now, Konrad. I will be next.
- Oh, no, madam.

You must help me,
child. You must help me.

I will do anything to help
you, madam. Anything at all.

A perfect hiding place, yes?

It is nothing lethal. It
contains only nerve gas.

When you pull the trigger, put the
barrel right next to Mr. Solo's head.

In that way, the gas penetrates
directly into the tissues.

He simply goes to sleep.

I wouldn't know, I... I mean,
I've never even held a gun.

Pull this back, put the gun to
his head, pull the trigger. Simple.

But how do I get close enough
to put the gun against his head?

My dear, you are a woman.

I know, but I don't know
very much about that yet.

Maybe he wouldn't like
me to get close to him.

Men being men, I
think you are wrong.

Still, you may have a point.

Some perfume?

Madam, please.

Eye shadow, rouge.

Madam, do you think
this is right on a young girl?

They say in the salon, under
25, we should be maidenly.

This is an emergency
measure, fräulein.

If I'd only brought my
red satin and pearls.

But I haven't required
those on trains for years.

Valenciennes. It is foolproof.

Madam, you make
me feel so abandoned.

You should feel abandoned.

Only you must not abandon me.

Never, madam.

Whatever happens, you must get
Mr. Solo out of the way immediately.

But how can I manage it?
Won't people be watching?

In his compartment?

For 40 years, I have been working
for Olga. For them, those people.

- But this, I could not do.
- What form is the virus culture in?

You could put it in an ordinary
capsule. So big. Size is unimportant.

But once it is deposited in a:

- What is...?
- Receptive host.

It can multiply itself a
thousand times within 24 hours.

- Is there any more of it anywhere else?
- No, he destroyed it all.

The only sample of it
left existing, she has.

Even she doesn't know how it
was made. But that doesn't matter.

If she gives it to Thrush...

they can destroy human life in
a matter of a few generations.

Where is it? In what?

But it's so small it could
be anywhere, in anything.

Well, we can't tear
the whole train apart.

Why not?

I've heard of long distance calls
before, but this one was endless.

I wanna talk to you.

Let's see where the
old girl is. You wait here.

Olga.

Olga.

Personally, it's
hardly the sort of night

that I'd choose to slip
into something cooler.

- But very becoming.
- It's madam's.

Ah. Gee, I thought you
borrowed it from the conductor.

And to what do I owe the
honor of this nocturnal visit?

I'm mad about you.

Oh, you poor, foolish child.

You know, so many girls are.

I guess it's because of my long
black hair and the way I play the guitar.

But do you really think that's
any reason for this sort of thing?

- You're laughing at me.
- Never, never.

Oh, yes, you are. Look
at your mouth. It's smiling.

Well, I'm just an
incorrigibly happy person.

Besides, you're very pretty. I think
that's enough to make any man smile.

You think I'm a
child, don't you?

Uh, not physically.

But I do think you're
acting rather childishly.

Of course I was a
young nit myself once.

I am not a young nit.

Oh, but you're no
Grandma Moses either.

Who blackened your eyes?

- The old girl belt you or what?
- That's shadow.

Madam put that on
with her own hands.

Well, I think she should consult
her optometrist immediately.

Enough is as good
as a feast, you know.

Mr. Solo, you've been horrid
to me ever since we first met...

and you're getting
horrider and horrider.

Gee, I thought I was
acting rather pleasant.

Big brotherly even.

You're not supposed
to act like a big brother.

You're supposed to
act like a ravening beast.

I'm sorry, I gave up
ravening quite a while ago.

I send all those sort of
cases out these days.

However, if we could wipe
off some of that war paint...

and get down to cases...

I think I could be...

an affectionate beast.

Kiss me.

Just what are you
trying to do, fräulein?

It's all right. I'm
not going to kill you.

It's only a nerve gas to put
you to sleep till we get to Venice.

Oh, I see. That's good.
Are you quite sure of that?

Oh, yes, yes. Madam
told me so herself.

Bless her heart,
dear considerate soul.

Hmm.

Fires a shot from both ends.

That's a cute little thing.

Puts a slug in both the
victim and the gunman.

Gee, the old girl
seemed so fond of you.

Well, I guess dead
fräuleins tell no tales, huh?

Now, if you get that
chap by the washroom...

we could have a
fourth for Bridge.

Sorry, he's lying over
the washbasin in there.

Shot four times
through the stomach.

Somebody!

Somehow I don't think that
lady from Kansas feels too well.

That's the second body
she discovered there tonight.

Second body? What second body?

That little man in the bar that was
talking to our friend, Madam Nemirovitch?

No, I don't believe
any of this. Two bodies.

No, not two. Three bodies.

I'm sure by now Herr von Kreidl
is also dead. He looked awful.

Well, we can't blame anybody for him
except possibly the tram and bus line.

We got three bodies down. Let's
hope we don't have three left to go.

- Where do we look next?
- For what?

We're searching for a
capsule, fräulein, about that size.

Now, if Madam Nemirovitch
gets it to Venice...

we might as well scuttle
ourselves in a gondola...

and sing the
barcarole in three parts.

Could it be in a
piece of jewelry?

He mentioned a ring,
or a pin, or a brooch.

- She has jewels?
- Famous ones.

Carries them with her always.

Mr. Kuryakin is not
unknown as a cat burglar.

This is all so terrible.

I've always worshipped
Madam Nemirovitch.

I can't believe she's
this kind of a woman.

What if I went to her and
appealed to her better nature?

She hasn't carried that
around with her for years.

What can I do to help?

Just sit quietly there
and hold a good thought.

We're gonna climb out on the roof.
Madam Nemirovitch thinks you're dead.

I don't wanna disillusion her.
And keep your door locked.

All right. After you, Alphonse.

Hi.

It can't be romance.

So I presume you
are after my jewels.

- I hoped you'd be asleep.
- I never sleep.

Like Cerberus, I guard the
gates of hell 24 hours a day.

I'm not surprised. You know
that won't be of any use...

because we're both
much too quick for that.

Perhaps, but if you
don't mind, indulge me.

It gives me something
to do with my hands.

Care for a chocolate?
I can highly...

We're not here for either
chocolates or jewels, madam.

Then you're making a
mistake. They're both first class.

Where's the capsule, madam?

Capsule? I never
take sleeping drugs.

Whatever it's in, a ring, your pearls,
it doesn't matter. Just hand it over.

All my life, people have been trying to
get my business secrets away from me.

Suborned my chemists,
ransacked my files...

but no one yet has as much as
my formula for vanishing cream.

There's always a first time.

I can assure you that we're
deadly serious, madam.

You young people
always are these days.

It seems to me that
a sense of humor...

went out with the bustle
and the leg-of-mutton sleeve.

Naughty, Mr. Solo.

If you cease to amuse me, I
have no compunctions at all...

in murdering two jewel
thieves in self-defense.

No, you wouldn't do that.

You couldn't afford to because
no one would believe you.

I have witnesses that
you tried to terrorize me...

and steal my emeralds.

Witnesses? OLGA: Yes.

Boys.

You were with me playing Parcheesi
when these two young men broke in...

and tried to rob me of
my jewels at gunpoint.

- Weren't you? FRITZ:
But of course, of course.

Terrible class of travelers
on trains these days.

Terrible. Herr Shaffner?

Madam, you are all right?

- We have caught the killers for you.
- What? The who?

There are your assassins.

- Did you bring the pocket detonator?
- We left so fast, they're in the hotel.

How did I know you were gonna
bring me for a ride in a train?

What about the
electronic screwdriver?

It's in the same place.

Didn't you bring anything?

Did you?

The thing I can't understand
is why that conductor...

believed Madam
Nemirovitch instead of us.

Well, she has an honest face even if it is
the result of triumph of plastic surgery.

What about the flame thrower?
You didn't bring that either. No.

Only these. Book of matches.

The floor is wooden. If we burn
that, we can loosen these bars.

With one book of matches?

No, but we could with that.

That's just as
inflammable as gasoline.

I know. I once had my eyebrows
burned off having cherries jubilee.

The result was a
triumph of plastic surgery.

There you are. I've waited
and waited and waited for you.

I thought you were coming
back. I looked everywhere.

It's almost New Year's and
everybody's getting together in the bar.

- There's nothing I...
- You're locked in. Who did it?

Oh, I hate practical jokers.

Where's the key? Shall
I call the conductor?

No, no.

Give us two bottles of cognac out of
there and everything will be all right.

- Brandy.
- Yeah.

Dandy. We can have
our own party right here.

Ooh.

Good. Thank you.

All right.

And soda. Get some
bottles of soda from the bar.

- After all, I'd hate to go up in smoke.
- Well, you won't. It's good brandy.

Yes, but I burst into flames
with very little encouragement.

Two big bottles.

Get four. Four, fast.

Four, four, four. We're gonna have a party.
- Brandy, brandy.

Fräulein Eva? Fräulein Eva?

Fräulein Eva.

Fräulein Eva, I bring a
message from Mr. Solo.

Fräulein Eva.

It's a matter of life and death.

Yes?

Mr. Solo is held prisoner
in the baggage car.

He can't escape.
You must help him.

Hurry, or he will be murdered.

Murder? FRITZ: Yes, yes.

Hurry. They're
going for him now.

Fräulein Eva.

Thank you. I can
handle everything now.

I hope you realize there is
nothing personal in all this.

As a matter of fact, I experienced a
tiny moment of regret over your fate.

Tiny, but a moment.

I do not have many moments
like that, I assure you.

All my life, I've
dreamt of meeting you.

Of fashioning
my life like yours.

I thought you the greatest
woman in the world.

Life being what it is,
frequently cruel, always painful.

After all, for a child such as
you, this may be the kindest way.

- What do you mean?
- One half of this Nemirovitch No. 9.

The other half is not as
abrupt as prussic acid.

But in the end,
it is as effective.

I am sorry.

No.

- What a divine bouquet. Here's your soda.
- Soda, front and center.

What are you doing? I thought
we're gonna have a party.

- I think that one's loose.
- All right, let's put it out.

It worked.

Fritz, Hans.

No.

Where is it?

Where is it?

The atomizer, watch out.
- Where?

Madam Nemirovitch.

Tell me where it is.

Always so serious, Mr. Solo.

Such a one-track mind.

Please. Can't you
see she's dying?

I tremble for your
future, Mr. Solo.

Please. My chocolates.

Where, Madam Nemirovitch?

The culture won't do
anyone any good now.

Don't bother me
with silly details.

Cigarette, I...

No. No time.

No.

No time.

Chocolates.

You are too late, Mr. Solo.

I have swallowed it.

It's midnight. It's
midnight. Happy New Year.

If it wasn't snowing,
what could we see there?

Well, on a clear day, in the distance,
you could see St. Marks, perhaps.

Isn't it exciting?

Will you take me on a gondola?

I was thinking more
of a little motorboat.

- A motorboat?
- Mm-hm.

But that's so unromantic.

Not with Mr. Solo.

He finds a gondola much too slow.
- Do you?

Yes. You see, with a speedboat, I
can get a lot farther, a lot quicker.