Original subtitles

Keep all transatlantic channels open for Mr. Solo, please.

What is it, Mr. Farrell?

When you do reach Mr. Solo and Mr. Kuryakin, sir...

I think it would be good policy to remind them...

that although they have unlimited expense accounts...

Budget Control feels this present mission is getting completely out of hand.

Oh, really?

So far, my department has vouchers for clothes replacement...

airline travel to and from the United States...

and all over the Mediterranean...

a company car, completely demolished in a rock quarry.

And now a company helicopter from our Athens office...

is presumably lost or missing on a Greek island.

I'll speak to Mr. Solo about it as soon as I hear from him.

Thank you, sir. We have to hold the line somewhere.

Yes, don't we?

In my own grandiose way, I have broken every moral commandment.

Except number seven, which you interrupted...

but that will be executed in fairly short order.

And number six, "thou shalt not kill."

Anyone we know?

Possibly. I'll kill him myself and walk away a free man.

It's all a part of my master plan.

From that moment on, I will be Alexander the Greater.

No one will stop me.

- What are you going to do about Tracey? - Tie them together.

Mr. Kavon... My Aristotle, if you like. - -and I are on our way to Washington.

Goodbye.

And you know how awkward it is to get space without a reservation.

Lower the scimitar.

I'm going show you the heritage of the ancient cultures of the Mediterranean.

Well, I tell you, I really wouldn't wanna inconvenience you here.

Beautiful, is it not?

It's razor-sharp, of course.

It's a new steel process.

I get 15 to 20 times more use out of each one of these blades.

Operates on the principle of the lowering pendulum.

Each swing lowers a few inches, until eventually...

Of course, there are some people who might say...

this is torturous.

Well, I tell you, I really never listen to what people say.

Now, Mr. Solo...

just the same, I shall relieve your anxiety.

Lower the rope of Pericles.

This is a little something we use for those who commit sacrilege in our tombs.

Raise them.

Faster, faster. TRACEY: Ah!

Tie it off.

You see, the candle will burn through the rope.

But that is not all.

Bottomless, of course, Mr. Solo.

Come.

It's no use.

- Now what are we gonna do? - Well...

Uh...

The best we can.

- The rope. - What are you going to do?

Aim very carefully.

You hung up? Huh?

So Mr. Alexander is going to kill someone.

But who?

When?

He still has the BG30 will gas. Puts us in a very vulnerable position.

All we know is that he said he was gonna take a flight to Washington.

Our Washington intelligence survey has only been able to uncover...

the name of a health salon for men and women called The Grecian Urn.

It's owned by AX Enterprises Incorporated, which in turn is owned...

by Alexander Incorporated, which in turn, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Well, you'll have to start there, I suppose.

Well, Mr. Alexander gives us very little to go on.

Now, where is this Mrs. Alexander?

She's in my office now. I had her brought in for a security interview.

I doubt if she knows much more than we do about Alexander, though.

Well, I suppose I must talk to her just the same.

The most direct course would be to force his hand.

If we can get his wife to show herself...

No, that's out of the question.

Much too dangerous.

We can hardly expect her to do that.

I think you'll find her unusually cooperative.

All right, Arnold. I'll stop by and pick them up in the morning.

Thank you. Goodbye.

My lawyer. I'm getting a fresh change of settlement papers.

- Hello, you must be Mr. Waverly. - How do you do, Mrs. Alexander?

We want to discuss with you...

I feel so much more secure now that I've met you.

Oh, thank you.

I wondered if I might speak to you for a moment. Privately.

Yes, if you like.

Gentlemen.

Yes. We'll be outside in case you need us.

Thank you. TRACEY: Um...

Now, I don't know how much they might have told you about me...

but I'd like to talk to you for a moment.

Uh...

It's about my million dollars.

Mr. Solo told me you were trying to get a divorce...

and property settlement from Alexander.

I'd like to join forces with you.

Now, I have an idea how I can help us all catch up with Alexander.

Oh, yes?

I could expose myself.

You'd be following me, of course. We'd force his hand.

And my peaches are the best you've ever tasted.

I like this farm. It harmonizes with the pastoral side of my nature.

I raise organic health foods here.

If I may ask, Mr. Alexander, when do you plan to hold the assassination?

Tonight.

I have arranged for your Washington embassy...

to hold a special party for your nation's president.

I will be there to make a goodwill speech. I

will kill him immediately after my remarks.

With the president dead, the loyalist democratic forces should collapse.

Our opposition will be scattered.

It should be simple enough to stage a coup.

And what about Prince Phanong, Mr. Alexander?

I've already taken care of that. I'm very close to his wife.

I must admit that your plan has an almost Oriental subtlety.

The Washington embassy is technically part of our country...

not the United States.

So our new administration will hail you as a hero.

A very nice arrangement.

This is the BG30 will gas.

Its use will chemically disable your opposition's will to win.

Thank you.

Our country's indebted to you for all you have done.

We'll look forward to hear from you.

Thank you, General Man-Phang. General Bon Phouma.

- Thank you. - Have a pleasant, pleasant voyage.

- I did not know they were here. - Well, I didn't wanna bother you.

If you'll excuse me, I have an engagement in Washington.

Yes, I'll get my traveling crutch and be right with you.

I'd like to have you come, but I'm afraid it's a rather personal matter.

Of course, if that's the way you want it.

Can you rely on these men?

Oh, yes, they're reliable. But they're second-rate intellects.

I shouldn't have any trouble using their country as my personal power base.

From there, I can subvert all of Asia.

Where the devil did I put the keys to my sports car?

- Is our plan working well, Alexander? - Perfectly.

I will conquer the world in no time at all.

Along the way, I will break each of the moral commandments.

- That's not bad for a beginner. - No.

You were always a good student.

Well, I owe everything to you.

I wouldn't want you to think I'd forgotten that.

I found this on my bed stand.

Oh, really?

What is it?

An advertisement.

Some place in Arizona called Retirement City.

A place where they keep old people.

Here they are.

Well, it must have come for you in the mail.

I've heard of the place. I understand it's very nice.

Well, I have to change if I'm going to beat the Washington noontime traffic.

It's almost 1:30.

I know.

But my husband will be home at any moment.

I know.

He's very punctual, isn't he?

What are you doing here?

I just stopped off to pay my respects to your wife.

I will kill you.

No, you won't. You're not suited for it.

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you're not prince enough to keep your wife.

What are you trying to do to me?

I'm buying you off.

I'm guaranteeing that you will support the junta...

that will overthrow your new government.

Don't worry. This is my last visit.

Ahh!

We'll cover you from here.

They'll have someone follow you once you come out.

We will have to keep our distance.

In there, you'll have to make your story convincing.

You might even have to appear a little critical of us.

Well, it'll be difficult, but I'll try.

- Well, what if they won't let me come out? - Then we'll come in.

You sure you'll be all right?

I'll be fine.

Good afternoon. May I help you?

- I'd like to see Mr. Alexander, please. - Mr. Alexander.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that we have no Mr. Alexander here.

You must have the wrong address.

Well, wherever he is, just tell him that Mrs. Alexander would like to see him.

That's me.

Mr. Arnold, Mr. Prince and Mr. Bruce are available.

You may inform him that I have some very valuable...

and very expensive information for him.

Yes, sir.

The girls will show you to Room A.

That won't be necessary. Just see that Alexander gets my message.

If anyone wants me, I'll be in Room A.

- Can Mr. Alexander be reached? - Not at the moment.

- You try to locate him. - Yes, sir.

Now, I'm going to step out of my office for a few moments.

You hold all my calls, please.

What are you doing to her?

I did not say, "Give her a beauty treatment."

- I thought you were trying to torture me. - You, out, out, out! Leave us alone, out!

Well, I can't say it's nice to see you

again. Could you hand me my clothes, please?

How did you get out of your tomb?

Well, you see, there was this lamp. And we rubbed it three times.

What do you want with Mr. Alexander? What information do you have?

I'll tell Alexander when I see him.

Ow!

- Now, would you please turn around? - Are you working for the U.N.C.L.E.?

The U.N.C.L...? Oh, U.N.C.L.E. No, there's no profit in that.

All I wanna do is make a trade. Would you turn around, please?

You're so nasty.

I'll tell him what they know about his plans here in Washington...

and all he has to do is give me my settlement.

How do I know I can trust you?

Well, that's just one of the chances you have to take in the espionage business.

Have you heard from Mr. Alexander?

Not yet?

Have them bring my car around the front, please.

Excuse me...

Mr. Ingo is in charge of the men's division.

- He'll be right with you. - Well, actually, I was looking for...

I am Ingo.

Of course.

I know what your problem is.

Is it that easy to tell?

Yes. Inactivity.

All businessmen today suffer from inactivity. I'll show you.

I'm going to put you on a program of vigorous exercise...

and give you a diet of high-vitality organic health food.

I sell some of the best organic health food as a service to my customers.

We must purify your system.

Your blood has been poisoned by impurities. I'll get a chart.

I'll take it from here.

All right. Now, just relax and don't... - Ah!

Ah, Mr. Solo.

Ingo. Give him the complete workout.

Condition red. Give everyone the afternoon off.

Napoleon, they just boarded a limousine.

I'm going to be busy for a while. You go ahead.

All right, I'll check back with you later.

Please.

What is she doing here? She's supposed to be dead.

A wife's place is by her husband. Thanks for your concern just the same.

What is she doing here?

She said that she had information that U.N.C.L.E. knows of all your plans.

What information do you have?

It'll cost you a million dollars.

My personal check on the Swiss account.

Now, what do you know?

Oh, that. Well, ahem, I, uh...

I, uh...

I know that U.N.C.L.E. is very upset about what you've been doing.

And you're gonna get in a lot of trouble if you don't stop.

And if I were you, I'd stop people... Putting people in tombs and...

When are you ever going to learn that money isn't everything?

How do you know she wasn't followed by an agent?

She was followed by Solo, but Ingo is taking very good care of him.

How do you know she wasn't followed by more than one U.N.C.L.E. agent?

- I don't know, but you see... - Parviz, I'm very disappointed in you.

- Yes. - How did you get out of that tomb?

- Yes, sir? - Security check.

Yes, sir.

Unauthorized personnel coming across the field.

- Well, bring him in. - Yes, sir.

Security conditions red.

Hi there.

Coffee, tea or milk?

Just how much did your organization know of my plans, Mr. Kuryakin?

We know enough to stop you.

My advice to you is to quit while you're ahead.

Words to live by.

They don't know anything. Just enough to waste my valuable time.

Why haven't I heard from Ingo?

Hello. ALEXANDER: Ingo.

No, Ingo can't come to the phone, Alexander.

Mr. Solo, I have something for you to think about.

Here with me, I have both Mr. Kuryakin and my former wife.

I hope you're having a good time. Perhaps I could join you.

Your organization had better not interfere with my plans, or I'll kill them both.

That won't help you, Alexander. May I remind you...?

I doubt if that will help very much, but it will keep you alive a little longer.

I may need you later for bargaining power.

Call Gamar Hosseine.

Go upstairs and prepare yourself. You're going to a reception with me tonight.

- What kind of reception? - Never mind, just go upstairs.

Your gown will be sent up to you.

And just exactly what am I expected to do at this reception?

- Just stay as beautiful as you are. - Well, thank you.

And if I go with you, will you promise not to have him killed?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure you wouldn't want me to do that.

Well, that's very thoughtful of you.

- And if I don't go, you will kill him? - Yes, don't leave yourself out.

Oh, well, in that case, I can't think of when I've had a more tempting offer.

You take her upstairs. Don't lose her.

- Yes, Mr. Alexander. - I'll be along later.

Mr. Kavon, I have a surprise for you, a gift.

Yes. I should do some work on my experiments.

What sort of experiments?

Oh, something that will take your mind off of all this unpleasantness.

What sort of experiments?

Come, I will show you.

Uh-huh.

I wanna go to Alexandria, Virginia. Do you know how far that is?

Hey, listen. Turn around and look at me.

Have you ever heard of a brotherhood...

called the Sons of Medea, Mr. Kuryakin?

I've read about it.

It's an obscure Greek brotherhood of fanatics.

Also known as the Cult of the Death Wish.

Ah, you have heard of us.

I thought the Sons of Medea was an ancient order, long extinct.

Well, you know how it is with cults.

I am the only active member left.

In my research, I discovered that a long time ago...

members of my society...

perfected a process of mummification...

that was far better than the Egyptian method.

- Mu... Mummification? - Mummification.

I have been trying to duplicate this process.

I've been working at it a very long time in my odd moments.

And I think I... Think I am about to get onto it.

Mmm. Smells good.

I have a pet theory, Mr. Kuryakin.

The way to make a good mummy...

is to start the treatment while the subject is still alive.

Well, that's one theory.

Well, it's problematical. I've never had an opportunity before...

until now.

Now, it will take a few minutes...

for the solution to soak through to the pores.

- Hot? - Yes, thank you.

Hm. Well, it will cool very quickly. Please be patient.

I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but whose style is this?

- It's my design. - Yes, isn't it?

The trick is not to inhale.

What are you thinking about?

- Nothing melodramatic, I hope. - I wouldn't dream of it.

- Let's go. - Um...

- Let's wait a while. - Why?

My hair.

- What's wrong with your hair? - Oh, I don't know. It's just not right.

You recall how vain I am.

I'll be in the powder room. Just be a minute.

All of that mud in your hair.

I should have washed it first. - Mm-hm.

I must say I don't know what to do about Alexander.

He used to listen to my counsel...

and now he has changed.

He feels he's outgrown his need for me.

And now for the final step.

I must add some more Tanis leaves.

It's very good for the facial tissue.

You wouldn't strike an old man, would you, Mr. Solo?

You have no respect for science, Mr. Solo.

Well, he'll be out for a while.

What's that?

Well, I suppose I'll just have to find myself a new tailor.

Mr. Alexander, your limousine is waiting outside.

- Good, I'll be out in a moment. - Where is Mr. Solo?

Mr. Solo hasn't been delivered yet.

Gamar's taxicab is waiting outside also. I assumed you had Mr. Solo here with you.

All right, she's in the powder room. Bring her in here.

Security alert. Solo is on the farm somewhere.

- Stalling for time, weren't you? - I'm just thorough, that's... Ow!

Call the barn and tell them to have the plane ready for take-off...

the minute I return.

Yes.

That's the alarm system.

- Where's Tracey? - Upstairs with Alexander.

He's taking Tracey with him.

The embassy is at 24 Avenue F. Take the northern route to avoid traffic.

We're being followed.

It's Gamar's taxicab.

It's probably Mr. Solo.

I doubt if he'll make any overt moves as long as we have our guest here with us.

Code four. Clear channels two and three, Washington, D.C.

- Come in, please. - Kuryakin here, sir.

Napoleon and I are following Alexander's limousine.

We're approaching the interchange heading for Washington, D.C.

- What is your precise destination? - We don't know yet.

I see. What do you suggest?

Alexander has a farm in Alexandria, Virginia...

which he uses as a base.

You should send some men down there and seal it off.

I hope Mr. Solo enjoys his drive.

The embassy's a couple of blocks this way, and it's a lovely night for a walk.

It's quite a party.

All right, I'll divert them. You cover me.

Go.

Oh. Terribly sorry. Wrong car.

Get your rice ready. Here they come.

Where are you going for your honeymoon? We'll see you there.

Happy honeymoon. Have a nice trip.

I knew it wouldn't last.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Good evening.

- Where is the president? - He'll come in, in a moment.

His Excellency will be beside you on the platform.

Good. How are you?

Only minor bruises.

I think we've been decoyed.

Tracey left some directions.

"24 Avenue F."

Open channel D, please.

We're on our way now to 24 Avenue F. I think we'd better have the reinforcements.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is the sixth month of the new government...

under President Sing-Mok.

But I am here to do something far more important...

than honoring the president.

And so I've broken every law of morality... Commandments, if you like.

Except one.

And when I do that, I shall surely be Alexander the Greater.

- He's going to kill the president. - Number six, "thou shall not kill."

Too late, Mr. Solo.

In just a moment, a cable will arrive at

the embassy proclaiming a military takeover.

I shall be hailed as their savior.

I don't think so, Mr. Alexander.

We arrested the last of the insurrectionists a short while ago.

Naturally, they implicated you.

A new protective vest.

Made by one of your own companies, I believe.

A very fine craftsmanship.

If you'll please excuse us.

- Who's piloting that plane? - I don't know.

We thought we had all of Alexander's people.

Well, this has been one of those days.

Would you set the plane on course for the Caribbean?

Thank you for your help, Mr. Kavon.

The truth is...

I saved you for selfish reasons.

What are you talking about?

Do you really think that after all those years of sacrifice...

and devotion...

and using my knowledge...

I would let you exist without me?

You old fool.

You should be grateful for the privilege of sharing in my conquests.

Put that thing down, or you'll fall and hurt yourself.

Ah!

And that was that.

- I'm happy to say. - I'm going to miss him.

All in all, he gave me a pretty fast three years.

Even if he was a liar and a thief and a murderer of sorts?

He was never dull.

A gratuity.

I'm going to miss you most of all.

Now it's time for me to disappear. I hope you understand.

Oh, I understand. It's a habit of mine too.

Hm.

I've just had confirmation that the BG30 will gas...

has been returned to the Army.

It seems everything is in good order.

That's a beautiful decoration. What did you get that for?

Will Tracey get her money?

Not for some time.

Alexander's empire will be in litigation for years, I'm afraid.

Zebra?

Sing-Mok is a single man, you know.

Yes. Well, I think she'll do rather well.

Cheerio.