Original subtitles

Biological and chemical warfare has been getting a bloody nose in the world press.

But I think we're gonna change all that.

Okay.

This is the Army's new will gas.

Code name: BG30.

With this gas, we can chemically induce our opponents to lose their will to win.

Now, you see? An angry dog becomes docile.

And no side effects.

It's ready for testing on human beings.

I don't think I have to draw you gentlemen any pictures...

as to the far-reaching psychological applications to all this.

What's going on out here?

Where'd that truck come from?

Security guard. Security guard.

Gentlemen, be careful on the way back.

Oh. Here you are, Mr. Alexander.

We don't know what happened around he...

We're sending you gentlemen back in separate cars as a security precaution.

I'd appreciate it if you'd treat this as top-secret.

Stop here, please.

Yes, Mr. Alexander.

- Time for refreshments. - Yes, Mr. Alexander.

If I may be permitted to say, Mr. Alexander...

you could use a few days of relaxation.

You've been working very, very hard lately.

I have a few more steps of my plan to be executed, Parviz.

It's not so simple to conquer the world today...

as it was for Alexander the Great.

Life is a great deal more complicated.

But this gas should make things easier for me.

These films just came in on the relay from base security.

They were taken outside the laboratory.

These gentlemen are clear at this point.

However, I've detailed men to check them out completely.

Now, here's our Mr. Alexander.

Very different kettle of fish. Somewhat of a mystery man, it appears.

He owns an industrial empire.

Finance, shipping, chemicals, mining.

Yet nobody seems to know much about him.

Well, I'd say that the Army's public information program...

on biological warfare was off to a rather shaky start.

They invite three of their top suppliers of chemicals to a private showing...

and then one of them steals their newest product.

Other than the process of elimination...

is there anything else that points directly at our Mr. Alexander?

Oh, yes.

About three-quarters of a gallon of BG30 will gas was stolen.

A briefcase full?

- Well, that's quite an assumption. - Yes, isn't it?

Alexander was the only one of the three men...

carrying a receptacle large enough to hold that amount of gas.

This stone tablet.

What have you found out about this tablet?

Our Archeological Department recommends...

that for a definitive analysis of the markings...

we should submit the tablet to a Mr. Kavon...

at the Artifacts Library at the University of Athens.

Well, that seems a reasonable place for you to start, Mr. Kuryakin.

See if you can discover how it relates to the stolen gas.

- Which leaves me with... - Mr. Alexander.

Mm-hm. WAVERLY: We have his local address.

It's very important to recover the gas, Mr. Solo.

Enough of it was stolen to cause considerable

difficulty if handled improperly.

Its composition is top-secret.

Anyone who possesses it could have it analyzed.

Well, I'll find Alexander, and if he has the gas...

I'll be sure and ask him to return it.

Move, move, please. Hurry, hurry.

Ah! Oh! Oh!

For that, no tip, my friend. No tip at all.

I hope Mr. Alexander makes his flight in time.

Just call for our car, please.

Hey.

Please stop that girl.

Allow me.

I have an appointment.

You can tell Alexander he knows the price for this.

And put away that gun.

- Wait! Don't open that. - Why not? I've earned it.

These are all the papers we sent him, Arnold.

For 18 months, I have been trying to serve him with a subpoena...

and get my settlement papers signed.

For 18 months!

You mean, that's why you stole that briefcase?

To force him into a meeting with your lawyer?

Exactly. He is crazy.

I mean, really crazy.

He thinks he's some sort of modern-dress version of Alexander the Great.

- Now, now, Tracey. - And I gave him my inheritance.

- I must be crazier than he is. - Tracey. Tracey, please.

Now, you will further inform Mr. Alexander that Mrs. Alexander's inheritance...

from her former husband, the late maharajah of...

- I don't mean to interrupt. - What's the name of that country?

But I am neither with or for Mr. Alexander.

- Oh? - I'm Napoleon Solo, with the U.N.C.L.E.

Ah. My favorite charity.

Listen, dear, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm already overcommitted.

Mr. Solo is with a secret international organization.

- Really? - Yes.

And we're interested in finding out about Mr. Alexander.

That'll take an organization.

But if there's anything I can do...

Could you tell us about his business activities?

Well, I... I know that he's very successful.

Uh-huh. Is there anything else?

- He travels a great deal. - Ah.

Good. Do you know where he happens to be going now?

Well, he usually goes to his villa in Alexander's Greece...

about this time of the year. And then he disappears.

He's a creature of habit.

Well, thank you for your help, Mrs. Alexander. Mr...?

- Claxon. - Claxon.

Why can't we join forces, Mr. Solo? After all, I am his estranged wife.

And that should count for something.

Well, that's very tempting, but I'm afraid it's a bit too dangerous.

Well, if you can't see yourself clear...

Good luck, Mr. Solo.

Well, thank you. Good luck to you.

Taxi.

Follow that spy.

Very odd piece you have here, Mr. Kuryakin.

I have the acid-test results from our laboratory.

Oh, no, no, no. No, thank you. I prefer to run my own tests, you know.

Can you make a preliminary evaluation?

Oh, no, not yet. In a day or two, perhaps.

You see, I'm not as fleet as I used to be.

An old athletic injury.

I got it playing lacrosse when I was an undergraduate.

I'm very sorry to hear that, professor.

It is Mr. Kavon.

Of course.

You see, I was an instructor of Humanities, but the universities forced me out...

because of my social theories.

So I turned to archeology, an old avocation...

and I became a world's authority.

Thank you for your cooperation. I'll be in touch with you.

What do you think of the human condition, Mr. Kuryakin?

I'm in favor of it.

Via London is now in its final loading stages at Gate 1 1.

Passengers of Flight 10 to Madrid via London...

please report to Gate 1 1.

Your husband wants to see you, Mrs. Alexander.

That's not necessary. Put it away.

Alexander has opened his villa. He's giving a reception tonight...

in honor of his neighbor, Prince Phanong, and his French wife, Princess Nicole.

What's the matter? You lose something?

Yeah, if I'm lucky.

Dimitri, you and George, around to the other buildings.

Passengers for polar route Flight 9 to Paris...

may now board at Gate 15.

I believe this piece of baggage is mine.

I know what you want.

I may give it to you. I'm almost prepared to forgive you.

Forgive me?

You deserted me.

I admit it was a novel experience.

No one has ever dared to do that to me before.

But Alexander the Great did, on occasions, forgive transgressors.

I will forgive you.

Well, since you put it that way...

You might try to remember that it is he with the power who forgives.

Oh, yes, I will. You can count on it.

Now, I don't want to seem to be too unromantic or anything...

but I would like back what I put into our marriage.

You remember, the million dollars.

A million dollars means so much to you?

Well, when it's the only million dollars you've got, yes.

Say, I just happen to have a copy of the settlement papers right here.

There is one condition.

Perhaps I should call it a favor.

Let's just call it a condition.

What is it?

The party that I'm giving tonight to honor Prince and Princess Phanong...

has special significance for me.

The princess is an admirer of mine.

The prince, however, is an obsessively jealous man...

who misinterprets the princess's appreciation of me.

Well, just how much does she admire you?

- She worships me. - Really?

I allow it because I think it's healthy for a young girl to have an idol.

Exactly what is it you want me to do?

It's important that you hostess this party...

and keep the prince's mind off his petty jealousies.

You will do this small thing for me and I will sign the paper...

after the party.

Thank you. That is a promise, isn't it?

So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

All right, I'll go through the back. Keep an eye out for Alexander's wife.

She may be around here somewhere.

Avoid her.

I will.

Good hunting.

And then no one has ever seen him since.

Excuse me.

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Alexander.

Oh, I've heard a great deal about you. I am Illya Kuryakin. At your service.

Will Mrs. Kuryakin be joining us?

Please, do not neglect your other guests on account of me.

You're... You're not Count Kuryakin by any chance?

Of course.

Well, then you must let me get you a drink.

No. No, thank you.

But you must be thirsty after that long flight in...

from the Balkans, wasn't it?

From America.

I own a chain of radio stations in Oklahoma.

Have you been there?

Well, no. I've never been there myself, but my friends who have...

tell me you get wonderful radio reception there.

Really?

Make sure the doors to the garden and other rooms are all open.

Hurry up and do that, please.

Music.

Lights.

Rainfall.

Tranquilizer mist.

Ah. I'll take his word for it.

How do you get back to this party?

Can you show me? I'm having a great time.

Yes, I see you are, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. The party is over this way.

- Are you having a good time? - Yes, very good.

- Thank you for the escort. - You're welcome.

Call me. You're a good-looking guy. I like you.

New York.

New York. I remember him.

My pistol. Dimitri.

I see you two have found each other.

Mr. Solo.

I've been spotted.

Well, she's everything you said she was.

Oh, no.

You're not another spy.

Well, it may be very good espionage...

but it is very poor manners.

Ladies and gentlemen.

It's time for our game of chess.

Will the pawns come out, please?

Those of you who wish to play the remaining pieces...

will find the proper accoutrements on that table over there.

Would you honor me by taking position as my queen?

Of course.

As your host...

it is my responsibility to play any challenger.

Please, my reputation is somewhat overstated.

Won't someone please accept the challenge?

I'll accept the challenge.

That man. An U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Oh, really?

The question is, can he play chess?

White moves first, Mr...?

Solo.

Pawn to King Four.

Pawn to King Four.

Knight to Queen's Bishop Three.

Knight to Queen's Bishop Three.

Queen to Knight Eight.

Looks like I have you in check, doesn't it?

You're bluffing. That can be fatal.

I'll take your queen.

Rook takes queen.

Well, we all have to make sacrifices.

Knight to Bishop Seven.

Checkmate.

Bravo. Bravo!

Bravo.

The first game is yours, Mr. Solo.

To the victors.

Of course.

Waiter.

Just how do you want him killed?

I have something much more interesting in mind.

I'll call Athens and arrange for a rematch.

- Are you still going to the rock quarry? - Yes. You will meet me there tomorrow.

Our host just disappeared into the house.

Scusi.

I will kill any man who makes indecent advances to my wife.

Let this be a warning to you.

Well, I tell you, you're in luck that I'm a busy man.

I found this in his incense burner.

My settlement papers.

I was so close.

If it wasn't for you two spies, I'd have my papers signed by now.

- Where is he? - Gone.

But I happen to know where his driver's taking him.

Uh-huh. Where?

I'll show you. It's just a few hours' drive from here.

Of course, I have to change my clothes.

I wouldn't be caught in a rock quarry wearing this.

No, it's too dangerous a trip for a frail thing like you.

I won't tell you where they're going unless you take me with you.

I'm not above blackmail. That's part of my charm.

We took the turnoff at Athens just so my wife could see a rock quarry here.

She's not gonna give me a moment's peace unless she can see a rock quarry.

- I'm funny that way. - I don't understand English.

I don't speak Greek. I...

- You're very sneaky, you know that? - How'd you do that?

Go.

What do you want with us?

Did our son send you?

Your son?

Alexander. He keeps us prisoners here.

He was here a few minutes ago, and then he flew away.

He does that every other week.

Comes and stands in the opening of the tunnel.

Doesn't say a word.

And then he flies away.

Oh, come on. Let's get those chains off first.

- Just let me... SOLO: Why don't you come over here?

- Sit down over there. - Thank you very much.

All right.

- Careful. - Just sit down there.

We certainly appreciate this.

- I'm Harry Baxter. SOLO: How are you, Harry?

- Napoleon Solo is my name. - This is my wife, Miriam.

How do you, Mrs. Baxter?

This is Illya Kuryakin. He'll pick your lock.

- I need a hairpin. SOLO: And this is Tracey Alexander.

She's your son's wife. Did you know that?

Oh? Oh, how do you do, my dear?

How do you do? It's in name only. We're separated now.

Well, I do hope you don't judge the whole family...

because of what Alexander has done.

No, no, no. Here, now let me wipe your forehead.

You must be very warm.

Why did Alexander put you in here in the first place?

I don't know.

Three months ago, he invited me and my wife to come and see him.

And he made us promise that we wouldn't tell anybody we were his parents.

We thought he was ashamed of us.

He wouldn't even use the family name...

and it's not like his own father was a failure.

Why, we own a large appliance store in Dayton, Ohio.

Well, anyway, we came over and he said, "Get dressed, I'm taking you out."

Then he hustled us in here without hardly a word.

I don't know why.

You sacrifice all your life to raise a child.

Your ankle's a little bit swollen. Here's your hairpin.

We'll take care of it in Athens.

Let's get out of here. - Yep.

- Here, let me... - Here you go, Harry.

Just hold on there.

All right, keep your heads down and hold on.

Can we lose them in the tunnel?

Bandits at 3 o'clock.

I'll try an evasive action.

He must have hit our gas tank. We're almost empty.

Let's make a stand.

Brace yourselves.

Hey.

I cut my finger.

- Are you all right? - How are you?

- I guess so. - Sorry about the noise.

Oh, he's always been such a good boy.

Really, he never did anything like this before.

How are we going to get out of here?

I'll bet there isn't an auto club in the whole country.

I'll simply put in a call to U.N.C.L.E. headquarters in Athens and...

Here you are. A one-way ticket to New York.

Oh, you can't do this to me, you beast. I'm a lady in distress.

Well, as we say around the office, you've outlived your usefulness.

Stop thinking of your own selfish interests

and start thinking of my selfish interests.

Now, I want my million dollars back from Alexander.

And I wanna get the BG30 gas from him.

It might cause you to get in the way...

and sometimes when you get in the way, you get killed.

Oh, I don't wanna hear any more reasons.

By the way, what do all those crazy numbers mean?

- You don't know? - No.

- What is that? - Um, here.

Overseas relay signal.

- Probably from New York. - Really?

Mr. Solo?

We've checked out Alexander's family under the name of Baxter...

and haven't found anything unusual.

What do you have to report?

Well, the Athens office has checked out the villa and the quarry...

and hasn't found anything new either.

How will you proceed?

I think we should refer back to the stone-tablet inscriptions.

We're meeting with Mr. Kavon at the university this afternoon.

If we find anything positive, I'll report back.

Good. I'll be waiting, Mr. Solo.

I have Alexander's parents aboard the plane.

Where's Tracey?

You know, I'm glad you asked that question.

That's fascinating, Mr. Kavon.

Would you mind explaining it to my friends?

Welcome back, Mr. Kuryakin.

My associate, Mr. Solo.

How do you do?

I was just telling your charming associate here...

about the carvings on the tablet.

But if you would step over here...

you would find it a little clearer on this enlarged photograph.

Don't you find carvings exciting?

You wouldn't rather be somewhere more comfortable?

New York, for instance? Hm?

I think I have a more promising future here with you.

And I'm a very determined girl.

She's everything you said she was, Illya.

Now, by my findings, the tablet, it would appear...

comes from a tomb built to honor Spyros...

an ancient Greek god of morality.

What is the significance of the number on the stone?

- Very puzzling. - Where is this tomb?

Spyros was never a very popular god...

and it is only recently that the Ministry of Culture...

uncovered the entrance.

It is on the Island of Minos, not far from here.

Thank you, Mr. Kavon.

I have a feeling we'll find all of our answers at the tomb.

Wait. You're not leaving without me.

Goodbye, doctor. Goodbye.

But I can be of great help.

Of course, you realize that the Spyros tomb has not been fully explored.

There are several passages and chambers...

that have not been officially uncovered.

And it is possible...

Possible that somebody found one of the main chambers...

and is keeping it a secret.

Well, then perhaps you would consent to be our guide, Mr. Kavon.

Oh, no. Thank you. I would only slow you down in your work.

On the contrary, you'd be a great help, Mr. Kavon.

Very well.

The truth is, I find the academic side of all this very intriguing.

Thank you.

Good, I'll just go change and meet you at the tomb.

We must be careful as to where we step. - I can't see wh...

Because the citizens of ancient Hellas...

Cobwebs.

Arranged the passages in their sacred temples...

so that if an infidel were to trespass...

he would... Please.

Unwittingly trap himself by stepping on the wrong stone.

Well, isn't that hideous?

Look out! SOLO: Wait!

That was rather nice.

- We'll have to try it again sometime. - It's my pleasure.

Yeah.

This is one of the traps, all right.

Someone must have stood on the wrong stone.

- How are we going to get out? - Do not be too concerned.

There are several passages that will lead us to the entrance eventually.

Ah, after you.

Watch it. ILLYA: Watch it.

Odd, isn't it? - Really.

I hate to bring up annoying details, Mr. Kavon...

but I have a distinct feeling that we're trapped in here.

Yes, it would seem that way, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Huh.

Mr. Solo, your flash...

These... Here is something interesting.

What is it? What?

- What is it? - This looks like a code.

What does it say? KAVON: Hmm.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Mmm.

"Push here."

Oh, no! TRACEY: My goodness.

Shall we go this way?

The first game was yours, Mr. Solo.

I think it's time for a rematch.

My first move.

Mr. Kuryakin!

Plays a very fast game, doesn't he?

Yes, and by his own rules.

Your move, Mr. Solo.

Over here, Mr. Solo.

I got it. One for you and one for me.

And one to spare.

I'll take the one to the right.

Too bad, Mr. Solo.

Now it's my move, Mr. Solo.

I'll take your knight and your queen.

One of these corridors will lead you to your friends.

The others...

Well, your move, Mr. Solo.

I see you found your way here safely.

I couldn't miss it.

It's the only temple on the block.

Where's our host?

You're right on time. I like that, Mr. Solo.

Good. I thought it might be nice if we all got together for a little chat.

Why don't you put the weapons away, Mr. Solo?

Mr. Kavon has a gun pointed at your back.

- Mr. Kavon. SOLO: I'm sure he has.

But when he triggered the mechanism in the corridor...

I took the opportunity to jam the firing pin in the revolver.

Please. Thank you.

I assumed you were trying to lead us into a trap.

How did you assume that?

First of all, the stone tablet came from Alexander's rock quarry.

I recognized the mineral composition.

Also, I noticed Kavon walked with a shuffle...

which may indicate that the man spent some time in chains.

I had our office check with the state-prison security system...

and he does have a record.

Rather elementary.

I'm glad I didn't have to ask him that.

A relatively simple piece of detective work.

No, it isn't.

He's doing very well.

While you're at it, what are all those numbers about?

Oh, the Ten Commandments.

Ten Commandments?

Yes, he broke the eighth commandment when he stole gas from the Army.

In case you don't know, that's "thou shalt not steal."

And number five, honoring his mother and father at the rock quarry.

And number seven, coveting his neighbor's wife at his villa.

You're very well organized, aren't you?

I'm sure Alexander will explain the details later.

Shall we move out into the lobby, or...?

That game of chess taught me something about you, Mr. Solo.

Like most people, you think that victory can be won by simple direct moves.

You'll never be a great man.

Checkmate, Mr. Solo.

Take charge of them, Parviz.

Over there, on your back.

- There? - Over there. Quick, on your back.

Back.

You see, you've only scratched the surface, Mr. Solo.

I am breaking the universal law of morality...

The Ten Commandments if you like. - -but for a special reason.

That's good. I'd hate to see all that energy go to waste.

I decided to initiate a great design.

I elected to break each of the moral commandments...

and plan it that when I broke the last commandment...

I would have a power base from which I could rule the world.

Well, it takes all kinds to conquer the world.

In my own grandiose way...

I have broken every moral commandment.

Except number seven, which you interrupted...

but that will be executed in fairly short order.

And number six, "thou shalt not kill."

Anyone we know?

Possibly.

I'll kill him myself and walk away a free man.

It's all part of my master plan.

From that moment on, I will be Alexander the Greater.

No one will stop me.

It's going to be a fascinating experience.

- What are you going to about Tracey? - Tie them together.

Mr. Kavon... My Aristotle, if you like. - -and I are on our way to Washington.

Goodbye.

And you know how awkward it is to get space without a reservation.

Lower the scimitar.

I'm going to show you the heritage...

of the ancient cultures of the Mediterranean.

Well, I tell you, I really wouldn't want to inconvenience you here.

Beautiful, is it not?

It's razor-sharp, of course.

It's a new steel process.

I get 15 to 20 times more use out of each one of these blades.

Operates on the principle of the lowering pendulum.

Each swing lowers it a few inches until eventually...

Of course, there are some people who might say...

this is torturous.

Well, I tell you, I really never listen to what people say.

Mr. Solo.

Just the same, I shall relieve your anxiety.

Lower the rope of Pericles.

This is a little something we use...

for those who commit sacrilege in our tombs.

Raise them.

Faster, faster. TRACEY: Ah!

Tie it off.

You see, the candle will burn through the rope.

But that is not all.

Bottomless, of course, Mr. Solo.

There you are.

I believe that should help take your mind off the scimitar.

Come. MAN: Okay.

It's no use.

Now what are we gonna do?

Well...

Uh...

The best we can.