Original subtitles

[crowd screaming]

[intense music]

[music continues]

Dr. von Kronen.

You are Herr Luger..

...from THRUSH?

Yes, sir.

That...must be the contact.

Transportation is at the bottom of the stairs.

If you'll follow me, please.

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[truck honking]

[tires screeching]

[crashes]

Come in, come in, gentlemen. Come in. Come in.

Sit down, sit down.

Sit down, Mr. Solo..

...if you're able.

I'm sorry we failed, sir.

Oh, but that's not true, Mr. Solo.

(Waverly) 'You've made a most notable contribution.'

- We have? - Oh, yes, indeed.

You weren't able to bring in

Herr Professor Dr. von Kronen

but you did establish a very definite link

between him and THRUSH.

The world's most wanted Nazi scientist and THRUSH?

And you, gentlemen, will endeavor to find out

what tune they're going to play.

- Face look familiar? - Louis Strago.

Wines and spirits tycoon.

Slogan, "Everything from champagne to whiskey."

'He has branches throughout the world.'

Was it, uh, Strago's men that beat us to von Kronen?

Yes, Mr. Strago is in Sicily now

visiting one of his wineries.

We have reason to believe that Dr. von Kronen

is on his way there.

And you, Mr. Solo, and you, Mr. Kuryakin

'will join him there.'

[instrumental music]

- Well? - In a word, we're lost.

Oh, Napoleon, you've done it again.

Well, we can't be too far from Strago's domain

one way or another.

I think if we..

Hey, hey, hey.

(Solo) 'Ah, Traveler's Aid.'

Buongiorno, signor.

Uh, I'm looking for Signor Strago's estate.

- Ah. - Uh-huh.

He makesMarsala.

Ah, Signor Strago.

[breathing heavily]

Miss Diketon!

Must you breathe so heavily?

You're massaging my back, not making love to me.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Strago. - This is not the first time.

And I find it decidedly nauseating.

The uniform code of THRUSH procedure

'states quite clearly that the relationship'

'between a THRUSH official and an employee--'

Excuse me, sir.

- Excuse me, sir! - Yes, what is it?

You did ask me to report as soon as we arrived, sir.

Oh, yes.

I trust you and Dr. von Kronen had a good trip.

Get me something to eat, Luger.

And ask the good doctor to come here into my office.

Oh, I won't need you.

I suggest that you transcribe some of the dictation.

Yes, sir.

(Strago) 'And, Miss Diketon..'

Uh, sir?

The, uh, skirt is too tight.

The length is too short, the, uh..

...neckline is too low.

You're working in a place of business, now try..

...to conduct yourself accordingly.

I'm sorry, sir.

(male #1) 'Straight line, 13kilometers.'

Turn left. Here, see?

Then we go through..

- Taforna. - Taforna.

Okay, grazie.

[speaking in foreign language]

-Ciao. -Ciao.

'Hey, ciao, signore, ciao.'

Code 3.

This is 29. Come in.

You're Herr Straago, I suppose.

- Strago. - Strago.

Correct.

And I cannot tell you, doctor

how eagerly we have..

...been looking forward to your arrival.

Yeah...they've been looking forward

to my arrival in Nuremberg too.

They're still looking.

This is as lucky for THRUSH as it is for you, doctor.

(Kronen) I trust, Herr Strago, that you are about to..

...reveal precisely why you..

...called me halfway around the world..

...to this dirty, hot

and altogether miserable country.

Mr. Luger told you nothing of our plan?

- No, he did not. - Good.

- What? - Uh..

(Strago) Because if he had..

...he would no longer be with us.

Oh.

The map, doctor..

...you, uh, appear to find it quite interesting.

Does it bring back any old memories?

Oh, I've studied many maps..

'...very much like this one.'

I know about your dream, doctor.

A truly remarkable one, divert the Gulf Stream.

Turn the island of Greenland

a barren, icy waste

into a lush semi-tropical paradise.

That...could've been the seat of a new empire.

The home of the...master race.

'And from it..'

'...and through the range of missiles'

that were later developed, you..

...could've controlled the world.

Mr. Hitler didn't listen to you.

THRUSH is prepared to listen, Dr. von Kronen.

Indeed, we have been listening for quite sometime and now..

...we are prepared to act.

[instrumental music]

What is it, Luger? I had hoped not to be disturbed.

I'm terribly sorry, sir, but this is rather important.

(Luger) Communications has just heard from one of our sentries.

A couple of strangers, they could be UNCLE men.

- Are they coming here? - Yes, sir.

They're coming through Taforna.

They should be there in, oh...ten minutes.

Huh.

Well, then, Luger..

...you and your men should be there in five.

Yes, sir.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chattering]

[chattering continues]

Oh, buongiorno, Pia.

You came to join us in the procession, huh?

- Uh, no, father, no. - No?

But today ourpizzeriais open.

I want you to cut the ribbon for me.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Padre.. - Very impressive.

It would be just like they do things in America.

Grande. Big.

Yes, it is.

Nona!

[indistinct chattering]

[instrumental music]

And much of the money I make, I give it to your church.

Oh, wonderful girl you are.

[speaking in foreign language]

Pia Monteri..

...it is my hope..

...that, uh, all your dreams will be good dreams.

And now, this new, wonderful pizzeria..

[gunshots]

[people screaming]

[speaking in foreign language]

[screaming continues]

[gunshots]

[explosion]

Diverting the Gulf Stream, of course, will mean much more

than merely turning Greenland into a tropical paradise.

It'll also mean turning most of the Northern Hemisphere

into an ice box.

Indeed it will, doctor.

Can't you see it?

Blizzards in New York, in Paris, in London..

...in the middle of July.

I can assure you the THRUSHland

will take full advantage of the chaos that would follow.

[intercom buzzing]

Forgive me, doctor, we're forever being interrupted.

Ah, Luger, uh, what have you found?

Well, uh..

...they were UNCLE agents.

The, uh, the same ones who almost, uh..

...captured Dr. von Kronen.

You've disposed of them, of course?

Well, uh..

- We got one of them. - You got...one of them?

Yes, sir.

And the other?

We, uh..

We searched all over, sir.

All over, and..

And? He got away.

Yes, sir.

Miss Diketon!

Sir?

(Strago) Not dictation this time, Miss Diketon.

A task at which you're..

...considerably more adept.

Oh, yes, sir.

[intense music]

Oh, Mr. Strago, please..

You've jeopardized our entire organization.

That other agent is probably on his way here now.

But I..

Miss Diketon, no.

Miss Diketon, no.

Run.

[music continues]

Run!

Run.

[screaming]

Oh, thank you, Mr. Strago.

Have someone clean up that mess, please.

Right away.

Captain, there may be an UNCLE man in the area.

I want a thorough search made, and..

...report back to me every half hour on your progress.

As an expert in such matters..

...may I say that your Miss Diketon is an artist.

Of whom we would have been proud in the old days.

I think we'll get along fine, you and I.

Will you hurry that relay, please. This is an emergency.

Repeat, emergency situation.

Yes, Mr. Kuryakin.

I'm looking into Strago's winery.

Except it's not just a winery

there's some sort of laboratory on the grounds

and it's very well guarded.

I see.

Where's Mr. Solo?

I don't know and I'm a bit worried.

We had to separate when things got a bit rough.

I haven't been able to contact him.

Well, Mr. Solo has proven quite adept

at taking care of himself in the past.

You'd better try to get into that winery.

- Do you think you can? - Probably not until nightfall.

Unless the situation changes.

Very well. Carry on, Mr. Kuryakin.

Mamma mia.

(Pia) Mamma mia.

[speaking in foreign language]

It's for the pizzeria.

He breaks it apart, he pays for it.

[speaking in foreign language]

Ah, rich is this one.

I am a poor girl. I'm a simple girl.

But I'm a nice girl.

This is for interest.

Uh,the padre says he's from America.

Huh, with this money

he must be.

Hmm.

[speaking in foreign language]

How much of this did I miss?

The roof caved in on your head, remember?

Where am I? The local police station?

[chuckles] No.

You're in the house of Pia Monteri

and her grandmama.

[speaking in foreign language]

How do you feel?

[speaking in foreign language]

You know, you break my pizzeria.

Yeah, I remember now.

I'm sorry.

- Can you help me up? - Oh, no, no, no.

You are weak, you cannot.

You lie down, I put a new towel.

You stay.

Hmm.

I remember I saw you in the procession.

Do you collect pop art?

Pop? No.

(Pia) 'They're my uncles.'

Oh.

You must be very proud of them.

Oh, si. They go to America many years ago.

The city ofChicago.

They do big important business.

(Pia) 'Prohibition business.'

They do other things now.

Hmm, yeah, that was very big..

...Pia, is it Pia?

- Pia. - Yeah, I'm Napoleon Solo.

- Napoleone? - Yeah, Napoleone.

- I've gotta make a phone call.. - No, no, you can't go out.

- You're very sick. No. - No.

- I'll just make a phone call. - A telephone?

Yeah, this is a trick phone.

[phone beeping]

- Kuryakin here. - Illya, Napoleone.

Oh, Napoleon, where are you?

Well, right now I'm being administered on to

by a very beautiful, young lady.

Forgive me, I should've known.

Yeah, you should've.

I'm gonna be under the weather for a little while here.

(Solo on phone) 'What, uh, what're you doing?'

Trying to figure a way into Strago's winery.

I'm not as fortunate as you.

No, you're not. That's true.

Keep in touch. Ciao.

[footsteps approaching]

[grunting]

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

Oh, hello there.

How do you do?

You're a new one. I haven't seen you before.

I just came in as a replacement, miss..

Oh, Miss Diketon.

You're really very cute.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Miss, uh, Diketon.

You there.

What's your unit?

Is there something wrong, sir?

Have you forgotten how to stand at attention?

Let's have a look at your papers.

[clanging] You bumbling fools!

Have you any idea what one bottle of that

'heavy, heavy water's worth?'

(male #2) 'Get up to my quarters, both of you.'

Now, you..

We'll have a look at your identification papers

if you don't mind.

After him. He's the one we've been looking for.

Signor Solo, I hope you like the sewing

I did on your jacket, heh?

- Oh, good, thank you. - Your car, you know.

- Uh-huh. - It's in front of the school.

You go straight to the piazza and then you turn right.

Right. Okay, thank you, Pia.

- Signor Solo. - Mm-hmm.

Do you really have to go?

[speaking in foreign language]

I'm afraid so, uh, listen, I wanna pay you for what happened

'to the pizzeria, in a way I think I'm responsible.'

No, no, we, we have, we have a..

[speaking in foreign language]

Insurance.

What happened to the pizzeria is just as good as--

Well, let me pay you at least for the kindness and the sewing.

There is no price for..

No, I, I, I insist.

And...there is no insurance.

But you're so rich, eh?

I was. Alright, arrivederci.

And thank you for everything.

I, I hope we meet again, eh?

I hope so.

I really do. Signora Monteri.

He's not for you, Pia.

[speaking in foreign language]

Search thoroughly, if he's not in there, move to the next one.

We'll get him even if it takes all night.

[banging on door]

[vehicle approaching]

[intense music]

Uh, I, uh..

[gasps]

Don't be alarmed, it's me.

Signor Solo.

[speaking in foreign language]

Some men are looking for me.

They want to kill me. Now, I need a place to hide.

You want to stay here?

Well, I have nowhere else to go.

[rooster crowing]

[knocking on door]

[speaking in foreign language]

Hey, what are you do..

You can't come in here like this.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Will you tell me please? - Quiet.

- What do you mean "quiet?" - Upstairs.

Upstairs, no, my granddaughter is up there.

Only my granddaughter, I tell you. She's a child.

[speaking in foreign language]

[screaming]

[speaking in foreign language]

Grandma, what do they want?

Allow me to apologize, signorina.

[speaking in foreign language]

Perhaps, I was a bit too hasty.

You there...under the bed.

(male #3) 'Out. Out. Out, out.'

(male #3) 'My apologies once more, signorina.'

This is not the man we're looking for.

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh, mamma mia.

They must be after Illya.

- Uh? - Oh, nothing.

[speaking in foreign language]

In my closet is my old wedding dress, Pia.

(female #1) Put in on. Put it on.

And then send someone for Padre Francesco.

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

Grandmama Monteri, I know that it's very difficult.

I mean, I can appreciate you might misunderstand--

Quiet, and don't move.

In a little while you are going to be my grandson-in-law.

[speaking in foreign language]

Tell me, you can support my Pia, huh?

- Uh.. - You don't look very strong.

Well, I don't think

that's really an issue right now, is it?

I mean, you see..

Well, I don't think you do see

I don't suppose I would either

if I were in your position.

Illya, come in, little friend.

- Huh? What did you say? - Hmm. Well..

Well, sometimes when I'm nervous I, I, uh

talk a little bit to myself. Illya, come in, will ya?

Yes, Napoleon, how is your burgeoning romance?

Ah, it threatens to burgeon too far

do you know where the car is, hmm? Hmm?

Yes. What do you have in mind?

Car, what car? What're you talking about?

Uh, I'll be with you in a moment, Signora Monteri.

Ave nine.. Make it fast, make it fast.

And honk, when you honk, and honk when you get to it.

- Oh.. - Excuse me.

- A man who talks to himself. - Excuse me.

Mamma mia, such a one I should have in my family.

[speaking in foreign language]

But it cannot be done this way.

Mamma mia.

The...the banns have not been published

and then, then you hardly know each other.

No, no, padre, they know each other too well.

Father, excuse me, I think an explanation is in order.

In Sicily, when a man stays overnight with a girl

and the girl, she's not married..

Ha ha. There is no explaining.

There is only the wedding or the bullet.

[women chuckling]

[speaking in foreign language]

I see, I see it is an emergency.

It is an emergency.

[honking]

Excuse me.

[speaking in foreign language]

Well, you can relax now, Napoleon.

We'll be in Palermo in a few minutes.

They can't get you there.

That's not what's bothering me.

It's the girl.

She's marked for life just because she tried to help me

out of a jam.

I think we oughta go back

I'll make another stab at explaining.

I'm sorry, Napoleon, but we have a plane waiting for us.

With what we've learned and what we suspect..

Anyway, Mr. Waverly wants us in New York right away.

[sobbing]

You, you want to leave here?

We leave Sicily, we go to America, eh?

We will look for your Signor Solo..

...and you will become the married woman.

Legitimate.

A fine chance even if we find him.

No, no, you don't worry about that, my grandchild.

We will go to your uncles.

Signor Solo will not make any trouble

for the Stilletto brothers.

They are of your blood, my child.

And this is an affair of the blood.

And what if Signor Solo refuses?

No, no, no.

Your uncles are honorable men.

If Signor Solo refuses, they will blow his head off.

[gunshots]

Oh, for crying out loud.

Huh?

Fingers, you ain't even dressed yet.

Why don't you give them pictures a rest?

[phone ringing]

Put them lights out and answer the phone.

- Yeah. - Put 'em off.

Who?

- Sicily! - Sicily? Hey.

Give me that.

Hello.

[speaking in foreign language]

This is Signor Stilletto.

[speaking in foreign language]

Ah, uh-ha.

Miami Beach is just great, just great.

And how is it with you?

- How is Taforna, eh? - Oh, for crying out loud.

Shut up! No, no.

Not you, signora. Just my wife.

Uh-ha. Ah, yeah, yeah, my little niece.

[chuckling]

Not so little I bet, huh?

Okay.

To Pia? To my niece?

What? What?

Shut up. Shut up.

It was right that you should call me.

You bet your sweet life, I'll be there.

For this thing, for the honor of the family

all the Stilletto brothers will meet you...in Chicago.

Yeah, like the good old days.

Goodbye, signora. Goodbye.

Pack me a bag and make it fast.

You're going to Chicago tonight?

Shut up and pack.

Fingers, for crying out loud

you can't go to Chicago tonight.

Hello.

I want to send a telegram to my brother.

My brother. Federico Stilletto.

Sunset Valley, Retirement Village.

Santo Robles, California.

[instrumental music]

- Fine, fine, Mrs. Feinberg. - Oh, thank you, Mr. Stilletto.

But you know, when I told her that 30 years ago

you were number four on the most wanted list..

Hoo-hoo-ho. Oh boy.

Now she wants to take dancing lessons.

But you know, I think my son-in-law would get jealous.

[chuckling]

- Are you Federico Stilletto? - Who wants to know?

You're Federico Stilletto. Telegram.

- Smart punk. - Thanks.

- Excuse me. - Certainly.

(Mrs. Feinberg) 'Anyway, maybe my daughter might come in tomorrow'

'and start her lessons.'

Y-you'll love her, Mr. Stilletto.

And she'd be just so thrilled..

You don't need to worry about my so..

[intense music]

Mammamia, what an automobile.

Yeah, this little old baby has been sitting

in the garage since before you were born, honey.

Right, signora?

...I remember.

You used to write about all your friends

you would take for a ride.

That were the golden days.

[laughing]

[speaking in foreign language]

I don't understand

can Uncle Enzo get out of this jail..

...whenever he wants?

- Mr. Pretty Stilletto? - Aye.

Pia, honey, when it's a matter of honor

family honor, things can be arranged.

[shouting]

Camara,Pia!

Hey.

[indistinct chattering]

Well, welcome back from Sicily, gentlemen.

I understand you had a particularly

narrow escape, Mr. Solo.

Uh, well, actually it was a, uh...misunderstanding.

Of course, of course.

I'm sure an UNCLE agent would never do anything improper.

Well, now, to get to the business at hand.

You'll be pleased to know I'm sure

that Mr. Strago is back in Chicago now.

And so also is the heavy, heavy water

you discovered, Mr. Kuryakin.

And it's absolutely imperative that we find out

precisely how it's gonna be used.

We already have our plane tickets, sir.

Now, your job, Mr. Kuryakin

will be to prowl the Strago warehouse

dressed as longshoreman.

And Mr. Solo will be your contact man.

A longshoreman, sir?

Yes, have you ever done any work of that sort?

- No, sir. - Oh.

Then, uh..

...you'll need this.

What is it?

A union card.

[foghorn blaring]

[indistinct chattering]

[vehicle approaching]

[foghorn blaring]

Of course, activated by the magnetized water

one of the missiles submerged every mile or so

along the gulf should do the job.

At least according to our preliminary estimates.

- Thank you. - Of course.

The exact distance will be determined

by our computers of course.

Alright, that's lunch.

Lunch. One hour.

(Kronen) 'From what I saw..'

'...the missile seemed to be quite satisfactory.'

Eh, Miss Diketon, you may telephone Mr. Strago.

Tell him the missiles may be loaded

aboard their ships tonight.

Yes, professor.

I do think I'd better be calling Mr. Strago.

[instrumental music]

Now, gentlemen.

I've let you in here only out of respect

for your past reputation

but my, my patience is wearing thin.

Now, for the 20th time, let me assure you that Mr. Solo is

is not one of my mob as you so quaintly put it.

I have not met him in Taforna or elsewhere.

And I have no idea where he might be found.

Now, Miss Monteri..

...I'm sorry that you had to come..

...all this way for nothing.

Why don't you take this nice child out to see, uh..

...Lake Michigan or something or..

'...buy her an ice-cream cone--'

- 'Watch your mouth.' - Hey, hey, hey.

[speaking in foreign language]

[intercom buzzes]

Yes. Yes, put her on.

Now, will you be quiet?

Now, what is the trouble? Oh!

[indistinct chattering on phone]

[whispering] Not yet, Mr. Strago, but he's getting very close.

Oh, well, I'll...I'll take care of that right away.

- Yes, thank you. - You listen to me!

No, Mr. Stilletto, you listen to me.

Oh, I've..

I've reconsidered.

Now, it's true that..

...I don't know where Mr. Solo is, but, uh..

...but his friend..

The, uh..

- The blonde young man. - Si.

Yes, well, he does seem to be working for me.

You'll, you'll find him at my warehouse.

On the docks.

[speaking in foreign language]

The punk is finally talking sense.

The buddy will lead us to Solo.

You're halfway home, sweetie.

[instrumental music]

[explosions]

[intense music]

Hey!

Me and Fingers are gonna drive around to the block

behind the warehouse, in case he wiggles out that way.

- Right? - Right.

Oh, Crunch.

You, Arnold, and Scissors here

go into the joint to flush him out.

I'll be over by the dock.

He gets by you, I'll make a handicap worker out of him.

He ain't gonna get by nobody, that kid.

[music continues]

(Scissors) 'There he is. That's him, ain't it?'

Hey, you, come here.

Alright, you punk. Come here.

Hey, fellas, over here.

Now, please, please, you're, you're to old.

Just one punch.

[dramatic music]

Now, you stay there..

'...or I'll fill you so full of lead'

it'll take a crane to put you in a coffin.

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

Hey, you alright?

[music continues]

(Scissors) Watch out...it's a pineapple.

Whose grandfathers are all you people?

You got ten seconds, blondie.

You don't want to be spitting out your teeth on the ground.

You tell us where your playmate Solo is.

- Huh? - Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Good afternoon.

How do you like them grapes?

[laughs]

Who's this guy? This Solo?

Looks like it's going to be a bad afternoon.

He sure is.

UNCLE Napoleon Solo.

Who's this UNCLE?

You got an new racket working for you, sonny?

And she wants this for her husband.

(Fingers) 'Inside the car, punk.'

You're going to attend a wedding.

Again?

Of course you don't wanna go it's okay.

We got a substitute choice.

We wrap you up in one of them

fine concrete overcoats

'and send you for a swim in Lake Michigan.'

Your choice, punk.

Not you.

See you.

I hope so.

[engine revving]

Oh, come on, now.

- Oh, hello again. - Hi, there.

Oh, you are so cute.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm just going to love you, till death.

[instrumental music]

Come on, slugger, let's get that tie on.

Look, Mr. Stilletto, it seems--

You marry my niece, I'm your uncle.

Call me Uncle Fingers.

Alright, Uncle Fingers, at the risk of being redundant..

...there has been quite a misunderstanding.

Hey, hey, hey, what's that?

What misunderstanding?

[whistling]

Hey-a, bums.

(Feet) 'The bride to be.'

[crowd cheering]

[intense music]

Oh, Illya, you're awfully attractive.

I mean, I've known a lot of fellows in college

and everything, before I joined THRUSH.

But you know you get tired of those one shot affairs.

Besides they couldn't hold candle to you.

[screams]

Yeah.

[screams]

Look, nephew..

...in my family when you take away a dame's honor

it's right you give it back. Capisce.

- Yeah. - And what, is she ugly?

No, she's lovely, Uncle Fingers.

It's backwards. She's superb. She's beautiful.

And she's still possessed of her honor. As far as I know.

And shut up. You're going to get married. Period.

Why, half of the crumbs out there

ain't been out of the woodwork for 30 years.

But for this..

...for the wedding of the Stilletto brothers..

...why, you ought to be proud.

- I'm not Italian, you know? - It's alright.

Try to be proud anyway.

[instrumental music]

Strago here.

Uh...are the missiles ready for transportation, doctor?

Yep. All out here on the wharf.

All perfect.

The ship is due in five minutes.

Good.

And that UNCLE agent..

...uh, I assume Miss Diketon is still, uh..

...toying with him?

Yep. She's still toying with him.

Fine. Tell her I don't want him killed.

However painful it may be to her.

(Strago on phone) 'And I'll be with you soon.'

Professor, right now however, I have still another..

...UNCLE agent to round up orders from...Central.

Take care, professor.

[instrumental "Here Comes The Bride"]

[all clapping]

[cheering]

[indistinct chattering]

Now or never. Yes or no?

You want to get married or you want to get dead?

Right now..

...I want-a my mother.

Remember..

...those old duffers in there may look harmless, but..

...I can assure you that..

...during the prohibition days they could have

and would have torn either one of you apart

for the price of a cigar.

So, be careful.

And, uh, we want Solo alive.

[intense music]

[instrumental "Here Comes The Bride"]

[crowd clapping]

[screaming]

[Strago whistling]

(Strago) 'Right where you are everyone.'

- Hands up, everyone. - Hey, what is this?

Who do you bums think you are?

Oh, Mr. Strago.

Um, Mr. Stilletto, I, uh..

...I hope you'll not mind too much but I've come

to collect the bridegroom.

(Strago) 'Mr. Solo..'

So you do know him, you liar.

He is your man.

Come on, now, Mr. Solo.

You don't really want to get married, do you?

Well, uh..

...right now I'm not quite so sure about that.

Nobody draws on the Stilletto brothers, Strago.

(Fingers) 'Nobody!'

[glass shattering]

Down, down.

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

Arturo!

[gunshots]

[speaking in foreign language]

[gunshots]

[speaking in foreign language]

[gunshots]

(Strago) 'Stop firing, everyone!'

'Stop firing!'

[instrumental music]

I have in my hand a transistorized

double gamma capsule grenade

potent enough to blow half this room apart!

[intense music]

Lay down your arms, gentlemen, please.

Mr. Solo, would you step this way?

Oh, and the young lady too, I think.

(Strago) 'Just as a bit of insurance..'

...against renewed hostilities.

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

We'll get you for this, Strago!

I swear it on my honor and the code.

(Fingers) 'I swear it.'

Sorry to tear you away from your friends, Mr. Solo, but..

Central has dictated I'm to drag you and Mr. Kuryakin

along on a little journey.

I don't know why myself really.

Interrogation I suppose.

You've got Illya?

What there is left of him, yes.

Look, THRUSH Central doesn't need this girl

I'm sure they couldn't care less about her.

I care, Mr. Solo. After you, my dear.

No.

[speaking in foreign language]

[indistinct] her in there.

Mr. Solo, will you be getting into the car

'under your own power or..'

Will you keep her quiet?

Alright.

- I'll be back, Pia. - Get him.

(Strago) 'Get him! After him.'

[instrumental music]

- Good morning, Phil. - Morning.

We've traced Strago and company to a privately owned

little dot of an island in the Caribbean.

From this point apparently they intend to launch

the missiles to divert the Gulf Stream.

- Unless we can prevent it. - Precisely.

Sixteen hours from now, Mr. Solo

we will launch three entire assault groups

against this island.

Supported by B-52 bombers, we'll reduce the island

and everything on it to rubble.

(Solo) 'Sir.'

You can't do that.

I beg your pardon.

Well, uh..

...Illya, sir..

Strago missed out with me.

If he's on that island he's got Illya with him.

Yes, yes. Yes, I quite realize that.

Alright, sir, Illya's an agent, section two.

He's expendable just like the rest of us.

What about the girl, Mr. Waverly? Pia Monteri.

Yes, I read your report about her.

And yes I quite realize she's probably

around the island as well.

Sir.

Whether through my fault or not.

Whether directly or indirectly.

I'm responsible for that girl being there.

Illya is a volunteer.

He knows the risks, but not that girl.

Are you an operative in this organization, Mr. Solo?

If not, may I have your credentials please?

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry.

I'll get some coffee.

We'll demolish that island within 16 hours, Mr. Solo.

'And I give you my word there won't be'

a living thing left on it.

So, you won't have time for coffee..

...if you intend to get there in time

to do anything for those two young people.

Thank you, sir.

Alexander Waverly..

...sentimental grandmother of the year.

[instrumental music]

- Do not touch me, you hear? - How odd it is.

That I who am impeccable..

...cannot abide that which smacks of the common..

...and the grimy.

How is it..

...that I would want to bring you with me to this island?

You who embody all that is vulgar in the world.

Hey, hey, you stay away, you hear?

You fascinate me.

You no touch me. You no touch me!

Ah, fraulein, You go to see Herr Strago?

Taking him some orders we just received from Central.

Will you tell him please?

The magnetron is activated perfectly by the heavy water.

Good.

And if these...very clever

and charming young ladies

keep on as they are, the missiles will be armed

and ready for lowering in the launching room by tonight.

I'll tell him, doctor.

-Uh, Fraulein Diketon. - Yes?

I must tell you..

...I can not forget how beautifully

you tortured that UNCLE agent.

Oh.

I..

I would like you to know that I..

...I admire you very much.

Bravo.

Oh, that's awfully sweet..

...from a real professional like you.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

You touch me, I jump.

Would you really?

Yes, I would really.

Let me..

How dare you?

I did knock, sir.

(Diketon) Twice.

It didn't occur to me that you might be occupied, with that.

Don't be absurd, Miss Diketon.

Disgusting creature.

[intense music]

So that's why they..

...they wanted me to keep that UNCLE agent alive.

Oh, Miss Diketon

go see to it that Kuryakin is brought up here at once.

(Strago) 'Please.'

At once, Miss Diketon.

[music continues]

Ah, Mr. Kuryakin.

THRUSH Central has decreed that I'm to keep you alive

and, and in good health.

(Strago) Does that, uh..

Does that surprise you, Mr. Kuryakin?

Are you alright?

I'm speaking..

[grunts]

...to you, Mr. Kuryakin.

Yes, I'm quite surprised.

May I ask why?

Well, you'll find that out in due course.

[intercom beeping] Meanwhile.. Yes?

(male #4 on intercom) 'Orange alert, sir. 15-mile perimeter.'

'Coming straight in from the mainland side.'

'Good rate of speed, sir.'

Um, set the barrier, I'll come up personally.

You may as well come to, Mr. Kuryakin, under the..

...under the circumstances there's no reason

why you shouldn't be given the guided tour.

You, my dear, will stay here, please.

See that she does.

Sit down, sweetie.

[engine revving]

(Strago) So, Mr. Kuryakin

while much of America and Europe

are becoming icy waste.

Greenland will become THRUSHland and, uh..

...and we shall all live happily ever after.

What's to prevent other countries

from destroying THRUSHland.

Oh, that's what I brought you here to see.

- How close? - Uh, 10.5 miles, sir.

Activate the barrier at ten miles.

Call Dr. von Kronen and ask him to meet me here

after this, uh, quick demonstration.

Take a look, Mr. Kuryakin.

In the bowels of this island there are over

one hundred thousand, um, tuning forks

all ready to v-v-vibrate at the top of their lungs

their puny little vibrations join together

and, and funneled up in a single

single channel to that, uh..

'...to that reflecting disc.'

Activate the barrier, captain.

Barrier activated, sir.

Focus in on that, on that..

...on that approaching vessel, Mr. Kuryakin.

Now, pretend we're already on Greenland, um, THRUSHland.

And the United Nations has sent that vessel to, uh..

'...to destroy us.'

Now, captain.

[pulsating]

[pulsating continues]

[intense music]

[explosion]

You're mad in the head, signorina.

I wouldn't even spit on Signor Strago.

I'm not afraid of him.

You let me out of here, or I'll cut you up like a chicken.

O-o-oh, yes.

I think you should try to escape.

In fact, I'm going to love you trying to escape.

[dramatic music]

[both grunting]

Oh!

No knives, Signorina Knife Lady, eh?

[laughing]

[laughing]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Take her up to her cell.

Go ahead, doctor.

Well, there are only two things, Herr Strago.

Both of..

Yes, doctor?

Both of which concern the fact that these rooms

and this launching tube

are located 75 feet below sea level.

(Kronen) 'Well, first, the tremendous water pressure'

'against these outer doors--'

You needn't worry about that, professor.

When the missiles are ready for launching

the tube will be adequately pressurized.

Mr. Strago.

I don't intend to drown my people.

Mr. Strago.

'I would advise that we advance our time table.'

Please, Mr. Strago.

I told you to keep that girl here.

And I return to find her on her way out

wielding my letter opener and you

flat on your back like some..

...rank amateur.

Oh, Mr. Strago, it was an accident.

You have failed at your job!

And THRUSH Central..

Let's not tolerate failure.

You're sick, Miss Diketon.

Even for THRUSH you are very, very sick.

You're aware, of course, that my..

...my superior is arriving tonight

to approve the plans and, uh, and wish us well.

I shall ask him to, uh..

...have you transferred

or rehabilitation if possible.

Transferred?

T-tran..

Away from you?

It is unsatisfactory a rating

I can possibly give you, for I'm sick too.

Sick the very sight of you and your unclean mind which..

...corrupts the very air that I breath.

You are...dismissed, Miss Diketon.

[intense music]

(Kronen) Each missile will be numbered.

And each will travel approximately one mile farther..

...than the one launched before.

[intercom beeping]

Yes?

(male #4) 'Sir, we've got another vessel'

'within the 15-mile perimeter.'

'Larger and slower, fishing boat probably.'

Well, don't use the sound barrier

this time I don't want the, uh..

...the debris to bring the, the search planes into the area.

Uh, we're launching the missiles tonight?

- Yes. - Yes.

And, uh..

I don't want any delays, use the, uh..

...use the patrol boat this time.

[instrumental music]

Well, just toss me back in, will you?

We'll call it even.

Some of our old pals have traced Strago's boat

'Chicago down to the gulf.'

Now, we know he's on that island.

- Why ain't you? - He's a pal of yours, ain't he?

No, not exactly, no.

And where's Pia? Is she on the island too?

Where's our niece, punk?

Look, you want to see Pia safe, so do I.

Now, if you wanna get out to that island

you better know how to swim

because they got a doozy of a weapon out there--

Shut up, bridegroom.

We want Strago. We want Pia and Strago.

Yeah, I know your vendetta.

Well, you just can't go galumphing into..

Look, let's get in, out of the sun.

I'll tell you all a nice story about the Gulf Stream

'and nuclear missiles'

and a wicked little bird called THRUSH.

(Solo) 'How about it?'

A little bird called what?

I am sorry I caused such trouble for Signor Solo.

But now you tell me he's a policeman, huh.

Now, I understand.

No, we're not policemen. Uh..

And you, I caused trouble for you too.

Now, you must worry about my life as well as your own.

You know, you're a nice man.

I like you.

I like you too.

- You, you're not Italian, eh? - No.

Pity, isn't it?

No, it doesn't matter.

It's just g-grandma, you know

she says always, eh..

[knock on gate]

[whispering] Hey, you.

Hurry up. I only have a minute.

If I help you get free, what then?

Who wants to know?

Listen to me, Illya.

Strago, I hate him.

I wanna see him fail.

I wanna see him crawl

and then I'd like to kill him slowly. I'd--

You said you only had a minute.

There'll be a party tonight.

I think you're supposed to provide

some of the entertainment.

Promise me you'll help me destroy Louis Strago

and I'll help you get free, yes or no?

- What about Pia-- - 'Just you, I said.'

(Diketon) 'Yes or no? Quickly.'

- Yes. - Good.

(Solo) 'Well, that's the story, gentlemen.'

'Now in a very few hours my friends are'

'going to be coming to level that island.'

- So if we're.. - Hey, Feet.

Fingers. Pretty.

Looks like maybe we got some visitors.

Coming straight out from the island.

(Solo) Probably a patrol boat.

Try rum-running for a while, kid.

You'll learn how to handle patrol boats pretty well.

You remember, guys? Ha ha.

[speaking in a foreign language]

Alright, come on. Let's get ready.

Move on. Ha ha!

[instrumental music]

You are in restricted waters.

Please turn all hands to

and prepare to be boarded for inspection.

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

[gunshots]

Scissors? Scissors?

Scissors? Scissors!

Stop firing.

I give up.

He's dead.

Thirty-five years I know this bum.

(Crunch) 'And now you've killed him.'

- You dirty.. - Hold it! Hold it!

I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

If you don't want us to turn him lose, my friend

I'd suggest you take us to your little island home.

[instrumental music]

(Solo) Now, you're in for a bad evening.

Alright, Crunch, that boat

maybe our only transportation out of here.

We need a good man to stay with it.

Don't worry, me and the boat will be here.

- Alright. - Good luck, you guys.

Now, don't go to sleep. This ain't Lake Michigan.

Don't worry. Will you stop worrying?

[helicopter whirring]

Down.

What's he doing?

Bigwig from THRUSH Central.

Mr. Strago's boss.

"The man in the green hat," they call him.

Oh, come for the kick-off, huh?

Okay, gentlemen, we've got a long walk.

Let's get it done.

[instrumental music]

Uh, great privilege, Professor von Kronen.

We at THRUSH Central are grateful for your help, sir.

Oh, professor, this is Mr. Thaler.

- My, uh, immediate superior. - I'm honored.

Oh, the faithful, Miss Diketon, more beautiful than ever.

Oh, thank you.

You'd be a fortunate man, Strago

if you were human.

Oh, uh, that UNCLE agent

I trust you still got him.

- Yes, of course, sir. - Alright, good.

I'll be wanting to chat with him a bit, sort of, uh

uh, prelude, you might say.

Uh, oh, in that case, Mr. Thaler

I'll go have the guards, uh, clean him up a little

before you meet him.

Splendid, my dear. Run along.

I'll be joining you at the party.

She is adorable.

A party in my honor?

Yes, naturally, sir.

And, Mr. Thaler..

...I'm afraid I've had to write a distinctly

unfavorable fitness report on Miss Diketon

I'd, uh, like to request her transfer out of my command.

- That bad? - Incorrigible, sir.

And irreparably corrupt.

Well, we, we certainly can't have

corruption in THRUSH, can we?

But don't transfer her, Strago.

Just kill her and have it done with, will you?

Save all that annoying paper work.

(Thaler) 'Now, would you show me to my room?'

'I'd like to freshen up..'

(Diketon) 'Just the young man.'

- Come on. - Pia, I..

How fortunate we don't have to make her

presentable for Mr. Thaler.

Probably couldn't be done.

(Diketon) Take him to the assembly elevator.

Get him cleaned up at least.

Everyone's upstairs at the party

waiting for the main attraction.

That's you, Mr. Kuryakin.

[laughing]

[man groaning]

Ooh, that was lovely.

I'm going back for Pia.

That's not only nauseating, it's insane.

Listen, there's a fast patrol boat anchored on the other--

I said, I'm going back for Pia.

But you can't do that. We have to--

(Kronen) Ah, so, fraulein..

Herr Strago wasn't wrong after all.

And I who came here to warn you about him..

...must now go and warn him about you!

Shoot him.

[gunshot]

[gunshots]

[groaning]

I almost feel sorry for him.

See, the doctor we were soul mates.

Is there another way out of here?

The other elevator.

You better change into the guard's uniform.

[crickets chirping]

[grunts]

Oh!

Hi.

Hi, there.

[grunts]

You know, I'm getting tired of violence.

Uh, your uniform, I saw that, uh..

Yes, yes, so did I.

Sorry, um..

I said I was sorry.

I mean, how did I know you'd have the brains

to get free on your own?

I bring Lucrezia Borgia

and you bring the mafia.

[chuckles] We're in great shape.

[drum music]

[instrumental music]

I trust it was no indecision.

On the contrary, sir

it was a pleasure to get Kuryakin for you, my..

...only regret is that we couldn't bring Solo as well.

Well, one is better than none.

You, you do understand, Strago

here I've ordered the deaths

of any number of UNCLE agents.

And I've never witnessed a single execution.

I don't want to get a reputation as

strictly a desk man, though

I want to be with my troops.

Oh, I understand fully, sir.

And Kuryakin's death

which I assure you

will be a unique one.

Should be a nice climax to the party

a...piece de resistance, if you will?

Something wrong, Strago?

No, sir.

No, sir, nothing that, uh..

Nothing that can't be taken care of.

Excuse me.

You little scum, where is he?

Who let him out? Answer me.

Answer me!

[instrumental music]

Yellow alert.

See to that the UNCLE agent is tracked down

and brought to me immediately.

Can't get far on this island.

And guard..

...Miss Diketon..

...I want to see her too.

Wonderful party, Strago.

Haven't enjoyed myself so much in years.

I'm very happy, sir.

Oh, uh..

...there's been a, a slight delay in readying

the special equipment for the, uh, the, uh, UNCLE agent's..

...grand finale.

May I suggest that we, uh..

...postpone his performance till, uh, a-after the launch?

You do have a sense of the theatrical, my dear Strago.

Frankly, I never thought you had it in you.

[Thaler laughing]

Thank you, um..

...I-I'm afraid we will have to break up the party, sir.

There's a..

...there is some work to do you know?

To be sure, where do we go from here?

Well, uh..

May I show you the facilities, they're..

...they're really quite impressive, you know.

We got your buddy, right?

Okay, so all we got to do now

is to grab Pia and get back to the boat.

Yeah, and when your bombers get here when is it, three hours,'

we'll be 50 miles out.

That was the original intention to get 'em

'only is not quite that simple anymore.'

What you mean it ain't just quite that simple--

Well, for one thing, if my..

...playmate is telling the truth..

...Strago has changed his timetable.

(Kuryakin) 'In three hours half those missiles'

will already have been launched.

It's true.

What's the difference?

With that sound wave barrier, it makes no difference

whether your bombers get to the island

in time or not..

Who asked you, Fauntleroy?

As it happens, he's probably right.

I really never liked to you.

Now, we got three things to do.

Rescue Pia.

Destroy that sound barrier contraption.

And stop the launching of the missiles.

- Is that all? - Hmm.

(Solo) 'Now..'

'...take a look at this map here'

'that Fauntleroy has so graciously given us.'

Now, here's the launching area

'we can get to it by either of these two elevators.'

'Well, below sea level.'

(Kuryakin) 'I'll take care of that end.'

I'll take you part of the way.

I wish your motives were nobler.

Now, the control of the sound barrier

is in the tower.

I'll go up there. With your help.

- What about Pia? - Yeah, what about..

Yeah, that's what I want to find out.

(Kuryakin) The cells are here. One level down.

I'll stop there first and bring her up to you.

There won't be time for that.

Look, I'm helping you because I wanna see Strago fail.

I wanna see him crawl for the miserable insect he is.

But I will not risk my life for that

sniveling little peasant girl--

Watch your mouth, baby.

I'll put a grapefruit in it for you.

- Yeah. - Don't worry.

- There'll be time. - And what will we be doin'?

Sit around readin' poems to each other.

I hope not.

I'll be up in the tower

and Illya will be down here.

And I suspect there will be a great number of little

THRUSHies in between.

[intense music]

Excuse me, fellas?

[chuckles]

You got a light?

My lighter busted and I'm clear out of matches.

Just clear out.

Thank you, pal.

Very nice.

You three are leaving.

(Kuryakin) Stay around here. Keep the courtyard clear.

Here, they might bring in some reinforcements.

- Gee, I hope so. - Yeah.

(Solo) Let's get up to the top.

Come on. Move out.

Hey, when you get up there

pull every wire on that sound barrier thing.

(Solo) 'Alright, good luck down in the basement.'

How long is it before they launch those missiles?

Anytime now.

- Is that the elevator? - No, it's over here.

[intense music]

[machine whirring]

Now that elevator will, uh... carry the missiles.

(Strago) 'Numbered and armed into the storage room.'

The first load will be leaving the storage room

going through the tunnel and, um, in-into the launching room.

Uh, following that, sir--

Uh, excellent, excellent.

(Thaler) You're a bit of a pompous bore, my dear Mr. Strago

'but you do know your job..'

Mr. Strago, please, communications line two.

Mr. Strago, please. Line two..

If you will pardon me for a moment, sir.

(Thaler) Certainly.

Strago speaking.

Sir, this is Williams section L enforcement.

I'm sorry to trouble you, but I saw Miss Diketon..

What you mean, you didn't recognize the guard

that she was with?

Are you sure?

Yes, I see.

Alright, Williams!

I..

Look, you get on the field telephone.

And to contact every one of the guard units

searching the island for the, um

UNCLE agent, we launch in about..

...um, ten minutes.

And I want every single one of those men back here.

If you'll excuse me, sir, I..

I-it appears that I'm, uh..

...that I'm needed upstairs for a..

...for a minute or two.

Certainly, I-I'll go down to the storage

and launch level, see how it's done.

Strago wants to see the girl. Open up, please.

But he's already taken her up, Miss Diketon.

I think he's looking for you too.

Oh, yes. I'm sure he is.

Drop it.

[gunshot]

(Diketon) He must have taken her to his suite.

No, no. Wait, there's no time for that.

They'll be launching the missiles any minute.

You go downstairs and I'll go up to Strago's suite.

Don't worry, I won't hurt her if she's there.

I only care about Strago.

Look, Illya, you go downstairs do whatever you want

'to those missiles, destroy them, anything.'

My only interest is watching Strago's face when you do it.

[footsteps approaching]

This time you will tell me all that I want to know.

- It is time you tell.. - You devil.

- You do know. - I don't know.

You know and you will tell me.

- Tell me. - No.

There's more than one UNCLE agent

on this island, isn't there?

Isn't there?

What are there plans, dear?

'How do they hope to stop me, dear?'

[intense music]

You remember that time in Bugs Moran told us

our presence was no longer desired.

- I sure do. - Heh.

[gunshots]

Hello. Control tower.

[gunshots]

(Strago on phone) 'Captain, control tower.'

- 'Captain!' - Yes, sir, Mr. Strago.

Yes, there seems to be

'gunfire in the courtyard.'

'Is everything alright up there?'

Yes, sir.

Nothing wrong at all, sir.

Good, I'm coming up there immediately we're..

...launching the missiles right now.

[gunshots]

Mr. Strago..

- Hello, there. - How do you do?

Uh, I-I'm Thaler.

From Central.

I'm, uh..

...honored, sir.

Oh, yes.

You know, I was hoping one of these fellows

would show me around, uh..

(Thaler) I'm afraid they're much too busy.

And I, certainly wouldn't want to..

...interrupt their concentration.

Could you, uh..

...give me a sort of tour?

Show me how it works?

- Uh, it'll be a pleasure, sir. - Oh, oh, good.

Thank you.

This is Mr. Thaler. THRUSH Central.

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh.

[speaking in foreign language]

You're hurt.

You're helping me?

[speaking in foreign language]

Look, you, uh, get out of here.

Your uncles are waiting in the courtyard, that way.

- And you? - No, I'm fine.

You just get out of here.

Grazie.

[intense music]

Where's the launching apparatus?

What launches the missiles, captain?

What captain?

[groans]

I'm sorry, sir. They had me prisoner, I was--

Never mind that now!

Atten.. Attention launching room attention.

But of course, uh..

...all this equipment is now controlled from..

(Strago on PA) 'Missile number one.'

'Ready to be launched.'

(Strago) 'Power hatch..'

...now open.

You mean, this inner hatch here is the only thing that keeps

the ocean from coming in on us?

(Strago on PA) 'Missile will be fired in exactly..'

Yes!

Yes, that's about the size of it.

Uh, if you'll excuse me, I'll give you, uh..

...graphic demonstration.

[Thaler screaming]

Twenty.

Fifteen seconds.

[grunts]

Five..

'...seconds.'

Hello? Launching room, hello?

(Strago on PA) 'Launching room..'

Hello?

(Strago) 'Hello?'

'Hello?'

'Hello? Launching room.'

'Why don't you answer me down there?

What's, what's, what's wrong down there?

Hello?

There's no..

There's no power. There's no reaction at all.

Get 'em on the other phone, go!

Hello? Launching room, answer me?

Hello?

(Strago) Launching room. Hello?

Why don't you answer me?

Hello? Launching room, hello?

Hello?

Kill him!

Kill him..

Kill him! Hello?

Kill.. Hey!

Kill him!

'Kill him!'

[dramatic music]

Solo!

(Strago) 'Mr. Solo, come down now. Mr. Solo.'

Mr. Solo, come.

Mr. Strago.

[gunshot]

[Strago grunts]

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

[music continues]

[all screaming]

[electricity crackling]

[sighs]

[door opens]

[sighs]

Oh, the pain..

...it's wonderful.

It's, it's delicious.

You can't imagine.

[sighs]

I saw you fail.

I saw you die.

[exhales sharply]

[clears throat] How are you?

Pooped.

Where's Pia?

Have you seen her?

No, I thought..

Come on. Oh, boy.

[speaking in foreign language]

Grandmother would be so proud of you.

Hey!

I got a confession, I didn't enjoy this like I thought.

Yeah, not like the good old days.

It ain't like it used to be.

Hey, wait a minute.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven..

Why don't we send these guys the same Valentine's day card

just for a present, huh?

He-hey. That's a good idea.

Now, you're talkin'.

Alright, you guys, turn around.

- Face the wall! - Come on. Turn around.

Get your hands up.

Hey, he-he-hey!

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

[indistinct shouting]

There's one thing..

Mm.

We better leave before the bombers get here.

Do we have to swim?

[indistinct chattering]

[speaking in foreign language]

Grandma Monteri..

...you're a genius.

You're among the immortals.

Chicago is going to love you.

- Oh. - Salute.

(all) Salute.

[speaking in foreign language]

[phone ringing]

Hey! Hey!

Keep your hands where they belong, blondie.

[grunts]

You too, kid.

(Fingers) 'We share our food with you.'

We share our wine with you.

And that's all we share, punks.

Right?

- Right. - Right!

Pia..

[speaking in foreign language]

Seems to me, gentlemen, you've met your match at last.

[instrumental music]