All language subtitles for Ron.White.A.Little.Unprofessional.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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I TOLD YOU
TO SHUT UP.

[ honks horn ]

HEY, BABY.

[ sighs ]
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT?

RON, YOU PROMISED.

YOU KNOW HOW I GET
WHEN ALL THAT JABBERIN' STARTS.

IT JUST MAKES ME
CRAZY SOMETIMES.

YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

GET IN.

YOU HAVE A SHOW TO DO
IN FOUR HOURS.

OH, BABY, WE GONNA MAKE IT
TO THAT SHOW, YOU DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOU JUST GET THIS CADILLAC
FIRED UP,

AND HEADED
TOWARDS AUSTIN.

JABBERIN'.

ALL RIGHT!

BYE, BABY.

[ applause
and cheers ]

AUSTIN, TEXAS,
HOW THE HELL ARE YA?

GREAT TO BE BACK.

OH, MAN, IT'S SO GREAT
TO BE BACK IN AUSTIN, TEXAS.

I JUST HAVE SO MUCH FUN
WHEN I'M HERE.

I SEE SO MANY FRIENDS.
THANKS FOR COMIN' OUT.

I WAS IN BAKERSFIELD,
CALIFORNIA, WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

BOY, YOU PEOPLE THINK
YOU'RE STUPID.

LAST TIME I WAS IN AUSTIN
WAS THE FIRST TIME

I'VE EVER BLATANTLY
BEEN OFFERED A THREE-WAY.

AND I TURNED IT DOWN,

'CAUSE IT WAS
ONE OF THOSE DEALS

WHERE IT WAS
TWO DUDES AND ME.

I DON'T EVEN WATCH
TWO AND A HALF MEN.

WE FLEW IN FROM
LOS ANGELES,

AND WE'RE GOIN' THROUGH
LAX, GOIN' THROUGH SCREENING,

AND THIS GUY WAS JUST
LOSIN' HIS FUCKIN' MIND,

'CAUSE I GUESS HE DOESN'T
TRAVEL THAT MUCH.

HE'S NOT USED TO THIS EQUIPMENT,
AND HE'S JUST GOIN' CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN
HAVE FUN WITH THAT.

YOU CAN DO WHAT I DO.

I TAKE TWO VIAGRA
AND DEMAND A PAT-DOWN.

"WHAT'S THAT IN
YOUR PANTS, MR. WHITE?"

I HAVE NO IDEA.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED
TO PAT THAT DOWN.

PAT IT BACK UP AGAIN.

GIVE IT A COUPLE
OF TWISTS,

SEE IF IT'S
HOOKED TO ANYTHING.

YOU MIGHT WANNA GO
WASH YOUR HANDS.

I STARTED THIS TOUR
THIS SUMMER IN LAS VEGAS,

AND WHILE I WAS IN VEGAS,
I BROKE THIS TOOTH OFF

AT THE GUM LINE,

IN AN ALCOHOL-SWIMMING
POOL-RELATED INCIDENT.

I HAD A SHOW TO DO
IN FOUR HOURS,

I WAS DRUNK,
AND MISSIN' A TOOTH.

IT LOOKED A LITTLE
UNPROFESSIONAL.

NOT TO ME, BUT TO
THE FINE FOLKS AT THE MIRAGE,

IT GODDAMN SURE DID.

I TOLD 'EM, I SAID,
YOU GOTTA GET

A DENTIST TO
PATCH THIS UP.

I WILL NOT GO ONSTAGE
LOOKIN' LIKE THIS,

'CAUSE THIS TOOTH DOESN'T LOOK
THAT BIG UNTIL IT'S GONE.

THEY FOUND
AN ALL-NIGHT DENTAL SCHOOL.

THIS DENTIST
IS 14 YEARS OLD.

HE HOOKS ME UP TO THE GAS,
AND I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

I'M, LIKE, DUDE, YOU NEED
TO TURN THIS GAS UP.

HE GOES, "THERE ARE REGULATIONS
IN THE STATE OF NEVADA

STATING WHICH, CODE ONE,
SECTION FOUR..."

I'M, LIKE, FUCK!

AND I ASKED HIM, I SAID,
WHERE DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE?

HE GOES,
"BRIGHAM YOUNG."

FUCK, DUDE,
TURN IT UP TO CATHOLIC.

NEVER LET A MORMON
SET YOUR BUZZ LEVEL.

NEVER. DON'T DO IT.

[ raucous laughter
and applause ]

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND
"FUCKED UP"

THE WAY YOU AND I DO.

THEY DON'T. THEY'RE GUESSIN',
AND THEY'RE SHITTY GUESSERS.

WHEN HE GOT THROUGH
WITH THE PROCEDURE,

YOU COULD STILL TELL
WHICH TOOTH HE WORKED ON,

'CAUSE IT WAS
A DIFFERENT COLOR.

MY TEETH LOOKED LIKE
INDIAN CORN.

I HAD TO GO TO MY DENTIST,

WHO'S PITCHIN' VENEERS
FOR MY TEETH,

BECAUSE HE SAYS
I'M DOIN' WIDE-SCREEN
HIGH-DEFINITION TELEVISION,

WHICH IS NOBODY'S FRIEND.

EVERY ACTOR
I KNOW IN HOLLYWOOD

WOULD RATHER HAVE
LOW-DEFINITION NARROW-SCREEN TV,

SO THEY LOOK THIN AND FUZZY
INSTEAD OF CLEARLY FAT.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE MY DICK
ON A WIDE-SCREEN TV.

THAT WAY, I CAN QUIT
LOOKIN' AT IT

THROUGH MY READING GLASSES.

PUT THESE ON, BABY.

IT LOOKS BIGGER
THAN IT FEELS.

I HAD NO IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE
VENEERS WERE, MAN.

THEY WANTED TO DO
EIGHT TEETH ON THE TOP,

AND SIX TEETH
ON THE BOTTOM,

AND I WAS, LIKE, HOW MUCH
IS THAT GONNA COST?

HE SAYS, "$27,500."

FUCK, HOW MUCH
IS DENTAL SCHOOL?

I'LL TEACH MY MOTHER
HOW TO DO IT.

YOU'RE GOIN' BACK
TO COLLEGE, MOM.

"I NEVER WENT TO COLLEGE."

THIS'LL BE FUN
FOR YOU THEN.

IT WAS A WEIRD WEEK,

AND I KNEW IT WAS
GONNA BE A WEIRD WEEK,

'CAUSE IT STARTED OFF
WEIRD.

I WAS GONNA GO TO VEGAS
A DAY EARLY

TO DO SOME MEDIA,
AND I WANTED TO SEE

THIS SHOW CALLED LOVE
THAT'S ALSO AT THE MIRAGE.

BEATLES CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHOW.
FANTASTIC FUCKIN' SHOW.

AND SO,
I WAS TALKIN' TO...

MY WIFE AND I LIVE IN
ATLANTA AND HOLLYWOOD,

AND WE WERE
OUT IN CALIFORNIA,

AND I SAID,
I'M LEAVIN' TODAY

AT 3:30 TO GO
TO LAS VEGAS,

AND I HAVE AN AIRPLANE
THAT YOU GUYS BOUGHT ME.

I LIKE IT A LOT.

HALF THE FORTUNE500
COMPANIES IN AMERICA

HAVE LET GO THEIR PRIVATE JETS.
NOT RON WHITE INC.

I'M FLYIN'
THAT SON OF A BITCH

STRAIGHT INTO
BANKRUPTCY.

I GUARANTEE YOU,
ONE DAY,

I'LL BE LIVIN' IN
A DOUBLE-WIDE TRAILER

WITH SHAG CARPET,

AND I'LL HAVE A JET WITH
WEEDS GROWIN' THROUGH IT.

I'LL BE IN THE FRONT SEAT
GOIN', PUSH ME AROUND SOME.

AND I DON'T
COME FROM MONEY.

I COME FROM
THE OPPOSITE OF MONEY.

I COME FROM
NO MONEY.

TEN YEARS AGO,
I LIVED IN A CAMPER

IN MY FRIEND'S
BACKYARD.

HE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW I WAS THERE.

IT WASN'T EVEN
A NICE CAMPER.

IT WAS A HOMEMADE
POP-UP CAMPER.

IT WAS LIKE SOMEBODY
HAD DUCT TAPED

A TENT TO A GOLF CART.

I HAD A 20-INCH
COLEMAN TELEVISION.

I HAD TO PUMP IT UP
DURING COMMERCIALS.

YOU COULDN'T WATCH
PORN ON IT,

'CAUSE NOBODY'S
THAT COORDINATED.

I WAS BROKE.

I OWED THE I.R.S.
A BUNCH OF MONEY,

'CAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW THAT WORKS.

IT'S CONFUSING.

WHEN I STARTED
DOING STAND-UP,

THEY SAID THAT MADE ME
AN INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR,

AND THEY SAID I NEEDED TO
START FILING MY TAXES QUARTERLY,

WHICH I THOUGHT MEANT
EVERY 25 YEARS.

MY BRAIN WON'T WRAP ITSELF
AROUND SHIT THAT COMPLICATED.

MY BRAIN DOES THIS.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL IT DOES.

I HAVE ATTENTION
DEFICIT DISORDER, I HAVE
LEARNING DISABILITIES.

I DON'T HAVE
A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.

I'M SMART, BUT YOU CAN'T
PROVE IT ON PAPER.

I DO HAVE A G.E.D.,

AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT G.E.D. STANDS FOR,

YOU PROBABLY
GOT ONE, TOO.

ANYWAY, I TOLD MY WIFE,
I SAID,

I'M LEAVIN' TODAY
AT 3:30 TO GO TO VEGAS.

MY WIFE'S A SINGER,
SONGWRITER, COMPOSER.

MARGO REY IS HER NAME.

A BRILLIANTLY
TALENTED WOMAN.

AND SHE SAYS, "I'M WORKIN'
WITH A GUITAR PLAYER

"IN THE STUDIO
TILL 5:00.

YOU CAN'T WAIT TILL 5:30
SO I CAN FLY WITH YOU?"

I SAID, CAN YOU BE THERE
AT 5:30?

AND SHE SAID YES,
WHICH I KNEW WAS A LIE,

BECAUSE SHE'S THE BIGGEST
LIAR I EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

WHEN IT COMES TO HOW LONG
IT'S GONNA TAKE HER
TO GET SOMEWHERE,

I HEAR HER ON THE PHONE
ALL THE TIME,

JUST LYIN' THROUGH
HER TEETH.

"WE'RE TWO EXITS AWAY,
TRAFFIC'S REALLY HEAVY.

WE SHOULD BE THERE
IN 15 MINUTES."

I'M, LIKE, YOU'RE IN
THE FUCKIN' BATHTUB.

WE WOULDN'T BE THERE
IN 15 MINUTES

IF WE WERE WHERE
YOU SAID WE WERE.

BUT I TOLD HER, I SAID,
YOU GET THERE AT 5:30,

YOU CAN FLY WITH ME, BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING, SUGAR TITS.

AT 5:31, I AM WHEELS UP,
AND I AM FUCKING GONE.

I SAID THAT.

NOT VERY LOUD.

BUT I SAID IT.

5:31 GETS THERE.

IS SHE THERE?

NO.

- DO I LEAVE?
- Audience: NO!

NO.

6:01 GETS THERE,
IS SHE THERE?

NO.
DO I LEAVE?

NO. WHY?

BECAUSE THIS DICK
WON'T SUCK ITSELF, THAT'S WHY.

IT WON'T.

I'VE ASKED IT TO
MANY, MANY TIMES.

IN FACT, THE OTHER DAY,
I SAT MY DICK DOWN,

I LOOKED HIM
STRAIGHT IN THE EYE,

AND I SAID, LISTEN...

I KNOW I'VE DRUG YOU INTO
SOME PRETTY MUDDY SHIT

IN THE LAST 35 YEARS.

I NEED YOU TO GET PAST THAT,
LEARN HOW TO SUCK YOURSELF,

SO I CAN GROW A SPINE,

AND GET ON WITH
MY GODDAMN LIFE.

IT WENT IN ONE EAR
AND OUT THE OTHER.

MY DICK HAS EARS.

IT HAS AN EYE,

AND IT HAS
TWO EARS,

AND A DOUBLE CHIN.

MR. POTATO DICK.

THE CUTEST THING
YOU EVER SAW.

I GOT LITTLE OUTFITS
TO PUT ON HIM.

ONE OF 'EM'S
A RAINCOAT.

NOT A CONDOM,
A RAINCOAT.

LITTLE YELLOW SLICKER
WITH THAT HAT.

LOOKS LIKE
THAT FISH AND CHIPS DUDE.

IT'S THE EXACT SAME SIZE
AS THE ONE ON THE BOX.

THAT'S JUST
AN INTERESTING FACT.

WHAT IS IT, RON?

AN INTERESTING FACT.

ANYWAY, SO WE GO
SEE LOVE,

THE BEATLES
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHOW.

I'M A HUGE FAN
OF THE BEATLES.

I JUST LOVE THEIR MUSIC,
ALWAYS HAVE,

AND CIRQUE'S ALWAYS FUN.

OUR SHOW'S ARE AT
THE SAME TIME,

SO I'D NEVER
BEEN ABLE TO SEE IT.

I GOT EIGHT PEOPLE
FROM MY CAMP,

MY WIFE'S
SITTIN' NEXT TO ME.

WE HAVE GREAT SEATS
BECAUSE I WORK FOR THE MIRAGE.

EVERYTHING'S PERFECT,
EXCEPT...

RIGHT BEHIND ME,
THESE TWO CHICKS

ARE JUST JABBERIN'.

NOT ABOUT THE SHOW,
JUST JABBERIN'.

JUST JABBER JABBER,
CAN'T SHUT UP.

JABBER JABBER,
WON'T SHUT UP.

JABBER FUCKIN' JABBER
FUCKIN' JABBER JABBER.

THE KIND OF CHICKS THAT COULD
TALK AROUND A BLOW JOB.

I TOLD MY DAVE, IF YOU DON'T FIX
THAT GODDAMN SCREEN DOOR,

I'M GONNA...
[ gibberish ]

I COME HOME ONE MORE TIME,
THAT BABY GOT A SHITTY DIAPER

WRAPPED AROUND HIS ASS,
I'M GONNA GODDAMN...

[ gibberish ]

...GO TO THE SWAP MEET,
GET A DRESS TO WEAR TO ARBY'S...

[ gibberish ]

AND I TURN AROUND
AND LOOK,

I NOTICE THEIR HUSBANDS
WEREN'T WITH 'EM.

I FIGURE THEY'RE AT
A GUN SHOW TRYIN' TO FIND

A WAY OUT OF
THIS FUCKIN' THING.

OH, THAT'S WAY BETTER.

I HEAR THE GUY
SITTIN' NEXT TO 'EM GO,

"HEY, COULD YOU
HOLD IT DOWN?

MY FAMILY'S TRYIN'
TO WATCH THE SHOW."

SHE GOES, "FUCK YOU.
WE PAID OUR MONEY.

WE'LL DO WHATEVER
THE HELL WE WANT."

I WAS STEAMIN'
FUCKIN' PISSED.

THEY'RE RUINING
MY GODDAMN NIGHT.

I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING
BUT THAT.

I'VE BEEN WAITIN' FOR
A YEAR TO FUCKIN' SEE THIS SHOW.

AND I TURNED AROUND,
AND VERY POLITELY...

DON'T START WITH ME.

VERY POLITELY,
I SAID,

LADY, TALKIN' DURING
LIVE THEATER,

AS FAR AS
SOCIAL SKILLS GO,

IS JUST LIKE SHITTIN'
IN THE STREET.

SHE GOES, "YOU BETTER
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS."

I SAID, YOU BETTER
QUIT SHITTIN' IN THE STREET.

SHE GOES, "I'LL HAVE YOU
THROWN OUTTA HERE."

I SAID, IF YOU DON'T
QUIT FLAPPIN'

YOUR FUCKIN' COCK HOLSTER.

EVERYBODY HEARD THAT.

BEFORE, IT WAS A LITTLE
DISTURBANCE RIGHT BEHIND ME.

VERY FEW PEOPLE
PRIVY TO THAT ONE.

THEN, 1,700 PEOPLE
HEAR ME GOIN',

IF YOU DON'T QUIT FLAPPIN'
YOUR FUCKIN' COCK HOLSTER...

THIS ALL AT A SHOW
CALLED LOVE,BY THE WAY.

I HAD HER MURDERED
AND BURIED IN THE DESERT.

VEGAS, BABY.

CAREFUL WHO YOU FUCK WITH.

AND LEGEND HAS IT,
IF YOU GO OUT INTO THE DESERT,

AND THE MOON IS FULL,

AND THE WIND DIES DOWN,

YOU COULD STILL
HEAR HER JABBERIN'.

"I'M A STREET SHITTER.
I'M SHITTIN' IN THE STREET."

"DID YOU--
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

"THAT'S THAT CHICK
RON KILLED."

THEY CALL THIS
JABBER GULCH.

MY FAVORITE THING
ABOUT PLAYIN' VEGAS

IS I GET TO PLAY
THIS GOLF COURSE

CALLED SHADOW CREEK,

WHICH IS ONE OF THE MOST
EXCLUSIVE GOLF COURSES
IN THE WORLD.

I WORKED FOR 'EM THREE YEARS,
DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTED,

BECAUSE THEY KNEW IF
I FOUND OUT IT EXISTED,

THAT I'D PESTER
THE FUCK OUT OF 'EM

TILL THEY PUT IT
IN MY CONTRACT,

WHICH IS EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.

IT'S AMAZING.

THIS GOLF COURSE IS JUST
SO FUCKIN' TRICKED OUT.

THE FIRST TIME
I WALKED THROUGH THE GATES,

I WAS, LIKE,
NOBODY'S STOPPIN' ME.

IT'S WHERE ALL THE PROS
PLAY WHEN THEY'RE IN VEGAS.

I WAS OUT THERE THIS SUMMER,
AND TIGER WOODS WAS OUT THERE,

JUST DICKIN' AROUND.

I MET HIM,
HE SIGNED MY GOLF GLOVE.

HE'S THE MOST FAMOUS
PERSON I'VE EVER MET,

AND I KNOW A LOT
OF FAMOUS PEOPLE,

BUT NOBODY AS FAMOUS AS
TIGER FUCKIN' WOODS.

I LOVE TIGER, MAN.
I DEFENDED TIGER.

WHEN ALL THAT STUFF
FIRST CAME OUT,

WHEN I HEARD
THOSE INITIAL RUMORS,

I FELT SICK TO MY GODDAMN
STOMACH FOR THE GUY,

BECAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN ACCUSED
OF DOIN' ANYTHING I DIDN'T DO.

NOT ONE GODDAMN TIME.

I DID IT
EVERY SINGLE TIME.

NOT ONCE COULD I GO,
NO, THAT WAS GLEN CAMPBELL.

HEY, A LOT OF THINGS
SMELL LIKE STRIPPERS.

AND I DEFENDED HIM
TO MY WIFE.

I SAID, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT THIS GUY'S BEEN THROUGH.

HIT HIS FIRST FAMOUS
GOLF SHOT ON TELEVISION

WHEN HE WAS TWO YEARS OLD.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT HIS HOME LIFE'S LIKE.

YOU CAN'T JUDGE THE GUY
'CAUSE HE MADE ONE MISTAKE.

THEN HE GETS CAUGHT WITH
NUMBER 13, 14, 15, 16.

I STARTED GOIN',
GODDAMN, TIGER.

COME ON, BUDDY.

AND IT GOT TO THE POINT
WHERE EVERY TIME

HE GOT CAUGHT WITH
ANOTHER WOMAN,

MY WIFE WOULD GO
LIKE THIS.

WHAT?!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
THE FUCKIN' GUY.

YOU'RE ACTIN' LIKE I WAS
HOLDIN' HIS DICK THE WHOLE TIME.

WE WATCHED HIM MAKE
THAT LONG APOLOGY ON TELEVISION,

AND AFTERWARDS,
MY WIFE GOES,

"DO YOU THINK
A GUY LIKE TIGER

COULD QUIT
CHEATIN' ON HIS WIFE?"

I SAID...

YOU BET.

WHICH YOU KNOW
IS BULLSHIT,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW
AS WELL AS I DO,

IF A GUY LIKES STRANGE,
GETTIN' HIM TO QUIT
WANTIN' STRANGE

IS LIKE GETTIN' A DOG
WHO LIKES TO KILL CHICKENS
TO QUIT KILLIN' CHICKENS.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

YOU GOTTA QUIT
KILLIN' CHICKENS.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME SEE
IF I GOT THIS STRAIGHT.

I CAN STILL
KILL CHICKENS.

NO, YOU CAN'T
KILL CHICKENS ANYMORE.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SAY I'M IN
A HOTEL ROOM WITH A CHICKEN.

LET'S SAY THE CHICKEN
JUST WANTS TO TOUCH ME.

CAN I KILL
THATCHICKEN?

NO.

MY WIFE TOLD ME
ALL WOMEN WANT THE SAME THING.

THEY WANNA MARRY SOMEBODY

WHO WILL NEVER HAVE SEX
WITH ANYBODY ELSE,

NO MATTER WHAT.

I SAID, WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CONSIDER MARRYIN' SOMEBODY

THAT NOBODY ELSE
WANTS TO FUCK.

IF IT MEANS
THAT MUCH TO YOU.

DON'T MARRY THE MOST
FAMOUS GOLFER IN THE WORLD.

MARRY THE MOST FAMOUS
FRISBEE GOLFER IN THE WORLD.

AIN'T NO LINE
TO FUCK THAT DUDE.

WE HAD A CHAT ABOUT
CHEATIN' THAT DAY.

MY WIFE TOLD ME,
SHE GOES,

LISTEN,
LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.

SEX IS SEX.
PERIOD.

I SAID, NOW,
WAIT A MINUTE.

ORAL SEX IS NOT
THE SAME AS INTERCOURSE.

SHE GOES, IT'S
THE EXACT SAME THING.

I SAID,
IT'S NOT THE SAME PRICE.

I HEARD THAT
ON THE RADIO.

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO
OPPORTUNITY, MAN.

SOME GUYS ARE PUT
INTO A POSITION

WHERE THEY HAVE TO SAY
NO TO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,
AND THAT IS HARD TO DO.

SOME GUYS ARE NEVER
PUT IN THAT POSITION,

AND THAT'S
WAY FUCKIN' EASIER.

I SEE THESE BIG 350-POUND GUYS
ALL THE TIME GOIN',

I HAVE NEVER
CHEATED ON MY WIFE.

I'LL BET
THAT WAS TOUGH.

TIGER DOESN'T
GET ANY CREDIT

FOR ALL THAT PUSSY
HE TURNED DOWN,

AND THAT'S THE NUMBER
YOU'RE LOOKIN' FOR RIGHT THERE.

MY WIFE'S BEST FRIEND,
HER HUSBAND CHEATED ON HER,

AND MY WIFE
HATES TIGER'S GUTS,

AND I'M LIKE,
WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY?
YOU DON'T HATE THAT GUY.

SHE GOES,
HE DID IT ONE TIME.

I SAID,
HE HAD ONE CHANCE.

THIS GUY HAD SEX WITH
100% OF THE WOMEN

HE POSSIBLY COULD
HIS ENTIRE GODDAMN LIFE.

TIGER WAS 18 FOR 82,000.

THAT TAKES A LITTLE
GODDAMN DISCIPLINE RIGHT THERE.

IF 82,000 WOMEN
WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU,

AND YOU ONLY FUCK
18 OF 'EM,

THAT'S... LOVE.

HE WAS IN LOVE
WITH THAT WOMAN.

SHE BROKE HIS TINY
TIGER HEART.

HE LOST ALL THOSE SPONSORS,
WHICH NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME.

'CAUSE HIS CORE FAN BASE
IS MEN,

AND I DON'T KNOW
ONE GUY IN AMERICA

WHO GAVE A FIDDLER'S FUCK
WHAT HE DID.

I GUARANTEE YOU,
NOT ONE GUY IN AMERICA WENT,

REALLY? TIGER GOT
SOME STRAIGHT PUSSY?

I'M DROPPIN' AT&T.

NOT ONE GUY GAVE
A FIDDLER'S FUCK.

WHEN THEY WERE AROUND
THEIR WIVES,

THEY'D ACT LIKE
THEY GAVE A FIDDLER'S FUCK.

GET ALL FOGHORN LEGHORN.

WHY, I NEVER!

I CAN'T BELIEVE A MAN WOULD
COMMIT SUCH TRANSGRESSIONS

TOWARDS HIS WIFE.

I SAY, I SAY, HOW'S
HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD,

I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

THEN AS SOON AS
THEY'RE AROUND THEIR BUDDIES,

IT'S, LIKE, I WONDER
WHAT KIND OF COLOGNE HE WEARS.

I WANNA SMELL
JUST LIKE THAT DUDE, MAN.

HE LOST SO MANY SPONSORS,
I'M THINKIN' ABOUT

BRINGIN' HIM OVER TO
RON WHITE INC.

NOT BECAUSE WE NEED
A NEW FACE FOR THE COMPANY,

I'D JUST LOVE TO HAVE
SOMEBODY AROUND THE HOUSE

TO TAKE THE HEAT
WHEN I FUCK UP.

"RON WHITE, YOU ARE
THE MOST SELFISH PRICK

I HAVE EVER MET
IN MY LIFE."

TIGER, GET IN HERE!

YOU TELL HER
WHAT YOU DID.

"RON WHITE, YOU ARE THE FINEST
MAN I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

"I SHALL FALL TO
MY BENDED KNEE

AND SUCKLE YOUR PENIS."

WELL, THANK YOU, BABY.

SLOW DOWN.

WATCH OUT FOR THOSE EARS.

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
THIS YEAR

WAS TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT,
TRY TO GET IN BETTER SHAPE.

I WAS WORKIN'
ON IT YESTERDAY,

AND I HURT MY FAT.

I SPRAINED
MY FAT ROLL.

EVERYBODY IN MY CAMP'S
ON MY ASS

ABOUT TAKIN'
BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.

I'M, LIKE, WHAT?

MY WIFE BOUGHT ME
A BICYCLE,

THINKIN' I MIGHT RIDE IT.

IT'S FOR SALE.

IT'S A GOOD DEAL, TOO.

IT'S LIKE NEW.
IT'S GOT 750 YARDS ON IT.

MY WIFE WANTS ME TO START
DOIN' YOGA WITH HER,

AND I SAID, WAIT, BABY,
I'M NOT THAT FLEXIBLE.

SHE GOES, YOU CAN BEND OVER
AND TOUCH YOUR TOES, CAN'T YOU?

I SAID THE ONLY WAY
I CAN TOUCH MY TOES

IS IF SOMEBODY CUTS 'EM OFF
AND HANDS 'EM TO ME.

I CAN'T EVEN STAND ON
ONE FOOT

UNLESS SOMEBODY'S
SHININ' A FLASHLIGHT IN MY EYE.

I THOUGHT
THIS WAS FUNNY.

WE WERE AT MY WIFE'S
YOGA SCHOOL THE OTHER DAY,

AND THEY HAVE
A VEGAN RESTAURANT THERE.

MY WIFE GOES,
WHY DON'T WE EAT HERE?
WE'VE NEVER EATEN HERE.

I SAID,
FINE, LET'S EAT HERE,

'CAUSE THIS DICK
WON'T SUCK ITSELF.

IT'S ALL ABOUT
COMPROMISE, FOLKS.

AND I TAKE MY TRAY AROUND
TO ALL THE BEAN SPROUT PILES,

AND I GET TO
THE CASH REGISTER,

AND MY TRAY IS EMPTY.

AND THE PURPLE
DREADLOCK-HAIRED KID

WHO RUNS
THE CASH REGISTER GOES,

MR. WHITE, AREN'T YOU
GONNA HAVE SOMETHING FOR LUNCH?

I SAID, THERE'S JUST
NOTHIN' HERE THAT I EAT.

HE PICKS UP A PIECE OF CARROT
CAKE WRAPPED IN CELLOPHANE,

AND HE HANDS IT TO ME.

"TRY THIS,
IT'S VEGETARIAN."

THE CARROT CAKE...
IS VEGETARIAN?

HE SAID YEAH.

I SAID, SO YOU MEAN
TO TELL ME

THERE'S NO HAM IN THIS?

'CAUSE MY MOTHER MAKES
A MEAT-LOVERS' CARROT CAKE.

IT'S GOT SAUSAGE,
PEPPERONI, HAMBURGER MEAT.

IT'S NOT REALLY
HEART HEALTHY.

SHE SERVES IT WITH
A LIPITOR AND A STENT.

THEY HAVE SNUGGIES NOW
FOR DOGS, AND I LOVE DOGS,

BUT IF I EVER SEE A DOG
WEARIN' A SNUGGIE,

I'M GONNA KILL IT,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I THINK
THE DOG WOULD WANT ME TO DO.

I THINK IF ALL DOGS
GO TO HEAVEN,

MICHAEL VICK'S GONNA BE
A LITTLE NERVOUS

IF HE MAKES THE CUT.

[ applause
and cheering ]

YEAH.

THERE'S GONNA BE AN AWKWARD
PAUSE AT THE PEARLY GATES.

REALLY? THEY'RE ALL HERE?

YEAH, SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE
WAITIN' ON YOU, TOO, MIKE.

I'M GONNA SLIP OFF
TO HELL.

TELL BIN LADEN
I SAID FUCK YOU.

WE GOT BIN LADEN.

IT TOOK TEN YEARS.

IT WASN'T EXACTLY
A CALF ROPE.

HE WAS IN THAT HOUSE
FOR SIX YEARS WITH FIVE WIVES.

I WOULD'VE SHOT
MY FUCKIN' SELF.

I'D HAVE HAD MY HEAD OUT
THE WINDOW SCREAMIN' AT DRONES.

I'M OVER HERE!

WOMEN.

WE HAVE A LITTLE
FRENCH BULLDOG NAMED PEARL,

AND THE OTHER DAY,
MY WIFE SAID,

"I FINALLY
FIGURED IT OUT.

"THAT DOG
IS JEALOUS OF ME.

"THAT DOG LOVES YOU
SO MUCH,

SHE CAN'T STAND IT IF I'M
IN THE SAME ROOM WITH YOU."

I SAID,
OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

AND SHE WALKED
INTO THE KITCHEN.

WHEN SHE DID, PEARL JUMPED
ON MY STOMACH AND SAID,

"I CAN HAVE ALL YOUR BABIES
AT THE SAME TIME."

"SHE'S COMIN' BACK.
ACT LIKE NOTHIN'S GOIN' ON."

NOTHIN' IS GOIN' ON.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER
TO BUY MORE OF THAT WEED,

OR NEVER SMOKE IT AGAIN.

I WENT WITH... "A."

I GOT BUSTED WITH WEED
IN FLORIDA LAST YEAR.

LESS THAN
A GRAM OF WEED,

AND THEY TOOK
MY HAPPY ASS TO JAIL.

I BEEN PARTYIN'
IN FLORIDA FOR YEARS.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
THEY HAD LAWS.

LOOKED TO ME LIKE EVERYBODY
JUST RUN AMUCK DOWN THERE.

I'LL RUN AMUCK WITH YOU.

I'LL RUN THE FUCK
OUT OF AMUCK WITH YOU.

THEY TOOK ME
TO JAIL, MAN.

I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

I FIRED THESE TWO PILOTS
FOR BEIN' DICKHEADS,

AND THEY WERE
SUCH DICKHEADS,

THEY STARTED FOLLOWIN'
MY PLANE AROUND

ON A SOFTWARE CALLED
FLIGHT AWARE,

AND IF YOU KNOW
THE TAIL NUMBER,

YOU CAN FOLLOW ANY PLANE
IN THE WORLD ANYWHERE IT GOES.

RIGHT BEFORE I'D LAND
IN A TOWN,

THEY'D CALL THE COPS,
TELL 'EM IT WAS A DRUG PLANE,

SO THE COPS WOULD
COME FUCK WITH ME.

THAT'S PRETTY FUCKIN' FUNNY.

THEN THEY WERE ON THE NEWS
IN ATLANTA WHERE I LIVE,

BOTH OF THESE ASSHOLES,
LIVE ON THE NEWS GOIN',

"RON WHITE
IS OUT OF CONTROL.

"HE GETS DRUNK ON HIS PLANE,
HE SMOKES POT ON HIS PLANE,

HE HAS SEX ON HIS PLANE."

I'M, LIKE, THIS IS MY PLANE
WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT LIKE I DID
THAT SHIT ON A DELTA FLIGHT,

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

NO, MY PHONE'S OFF.

MY WIFE GOT PISSED AT ME

WHEN I GOT BUSTED
WITH THAT WEED,

AND SHE SMOKES POT.

WHAT THE FUCK
IS UP WITH THAT?

I COME HOME,
SHE GOES,

"YOU SMOKE
TOO MUCH POT."

I SAID, OH, LET ME
GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU SMOKE
THE CORRECT AMOUNT OF POT.

YOU EVER SMOKE SO MUCH POT,

YOUR WIFE
STARTS TO MAKE SENSE?

ME EITHER.

I HAVE THIS RECURRING DREAM

THAT MY WIFE GETS
RUN OVER BY A BUS.

DOES THAT MAKE ME
A BAD PERSON?

I'M DRIVIN' THE BUS.

[ imitates bus noises ]

AAAHHH!

SHE'S HAD ENOUGH.

EARLY LAST YEAR
IN FLORIDA,

AT SEA WORLD
IN FLORIDA,

AN ANIMAL TRAINER WAS KILLED
BY A KILLER WHALE.

HUH.

TURNS OUT THERE'S A REASON

THEY DIDN'T NAME 'EM
OCEAN PONIES.

SOME THINGS ARE EXACTLY
AS THEY SEEM, FOLKS.

KILLER WHALES KILL.

PILOT WHALES
WEAR DARK SUNGLASSES.

I'M NOT SURE HOW
THE SPERM WHALE GOT HIS NAME,

BUT I'M NOT
GETTIN' IN THE POOL.

THAT WHALE
GOT HIS JOB BACK.

THEY PUT THAT WHALE
BACK IN THE SHOW.

WHEN I FIRST SAW IT
ON THE INTERNET,

I THOUGHT THIS'LL BE
WORLD NEWS.

WASN'T EVEN NEWS AT ALL.
THEY PUT THE WHALE BACK.

THIS WHALE
KILLED THREE PEOPLE.

THIS IS
A SERIAL KILLER WHALE.

AND HE GOT
HIS JOB BACK?

IF THAT WOULD'VE HAPPENED
AT SEA WORLD IN TEXAS,

THAT WHALE WOULD'VE GONE

STRAIGHT TO
THE FUCKIN' ELECTRIC POOL.

[ applause
and cheering ]

AND THAT'S JUST
A REGULAR POOL

WITH A TOASTER
THROWN IN IT.

PEOPLE THINK
THEY'RE EXPENSIVE TO MAKE,

BUT IT'S, LIKE 14 BUCKS.

YOU CAN REUSE
THE EXTENSION CORD.

PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.

GET ANOTHER TOASTER.

THEY BUSTED A SUSHI
RESTAURANT LAST YEAR

IN L.A., SELLIN' WHALE,

AND THEY FINED 'EM
200,000 BUCKS.

THAT IS SO FUCKIN'
WRONG, MAN,

TO TAKE A 50,000-POUND
MAJESTIC ANIMAL,

AND SERVE IT UP
TWO TINY SLICES AT A TIME.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

GOT ANY MORE?

"SHIT, YEAH, WE DO."

"WE HAVE A SHIT 'ROAD.'"

"WE MAKE A BIG COMMITMENT.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW IT GOT CAUGHT."

MAYBE THAT 14-FOOT FIN
HANGIN' OUT OF THE DUMPSTER.

"I SHOULDA CROSED THE RID."

YEAH.

PROBABLY SHOULD'VE
CROSED THE RID.

I LIVE IN ATLANTA
HALF THE YEAR,

AND LAST SUMMER IN ATLANTA,
AN IDIOT TEENAGER

WAS DECAPITATED
AT A MAJOR AMUSEMENT PARK

IN ATLANTA ON
A VERY FAMOUS ROLLER COASTER.

WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED WAS
HE WAS ON THE RIDE,

STOOD UP AND GOT
HIS HEAD CUT OFF.

THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED.

WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

WHILE HE WAS ON THE RIDE,
HIS HAT FLEW OFF.

WHEN HE GOT OFF THE RIDE,
HE CLIMBED OVER TWO FENCES,

AND WENT THROUGH TWO GATES
TELLIN' HIM NOT TO,

TO RETRIEVE HIS HAT,
WHICH IT TURNS OUT,

HE DIDN'T REALLY
NEED, AFTER ALL.

WHY, THAT STORY'S
DRIPPIN' WITH IRONY, MR. WHITE.

[ raucous cheering ]

THE PART OF THE SHOW
WHERE I PROVE

MY JOB IS BETTER
THAN YOURS.

CHEERS. YOU GUYS
ARE FANTASTIC.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
COMIN' OUT ON A SATURDAY

AND LISTENING.

I WAS AT HOME LAST WEEK,

AND MY NEPHEW
CALLED OUR HOUSE,

AND I NEVER ANSWER
THE PHONE AT MY HOUSE EVER.

I THINK HE WAS
SURPRISED THAT I DID.

I ANSWER THE PHONE,
HE GOES,

[ shakily ]
UNCLE RON, IS THAT YOU?

I SAID, YEAH, IT'S ME.

HE GOES, UNCLE RON,

DID YOU KNOW
IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY?

THIS IS WHY I DON'T ANSWER
THE FUCKIN' PHONE

IN MY HOUSE RIGHT THERE.

NOW IT'S MY PROBLEM.

I'M, LIKE, WELL,
YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT IS OKAY TO BE GAY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT GAY MEANS?

HE GOES, THAT'S WHERE
A MAN LIKES A MAN,

OR A WOMAN LIKES A WOMAN,
BUT THEY CAN'T HAVE BABIES.

PRETTY CLOSE.

YOU BELIEVE AT SIX YEARS OLD,
THIS KID KNOWS WHAT GAY MEANS?

I DIDN'T FIND OUT
WHAT GAY MEANT

TILL I STARTED
HITCHHIKING.

I WROTE A BOOK,

SEVEN SILLY SECRETS TRUCKERS
JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW.

MY WIFE AND I ARE BIG FANS
OF THE REALITY TV SHOW ON HBO

CALLED PORNUCOPIA,
SEX IN THE VALLEY.

IT'S A REALITY SHOW ABOUT
THE PORNOGRAPHY INDUSTRY

IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY,

WHICH IS WHERE
MOST OF IT'S MADE.

AND WE BOUGHT
THE FIRST SEASON,

'CAUSE IT'S
FUCKIN' HILARIOUS.

THIS ONE EPISODE WAS ABOUT GUYS
THAT WERE STRAIGHT PORN STARS,

BUT WERE DOING GAY PORN 'CAUSE
IT PAYS FIVE TIMES THE MONEY,

AND THEY'RE INTERVIEWING
THIS GUY, AND HE GOES,

"YEAH, I WAS IN A SCENE
YESTERDAY WITH FIVE GUYS

AT THE SAME TIME,
AND I'M NOT EVEN GAY."

I WAS, LIKE,
YOU'RE GAYER THAN I AM.

IF YOU CAN EVEN THINK
OF WHAT TO DO

WITH FIVE DICKS
AT THE SAME TIME,

YOU'RE WAY FUCKIN' GAYER
THAN I AM.

THIS IS THE GAY PART
OF MY SHOW.

I WAS AT DINNER
THE OTHER NIGHT

WITH THIS CBS EXECUTIVE
WHO I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS.

GREAT FUCKIN' DUDE, MAN.

HE'S GAY, AND I NEVER SAID
A WORD TO HIM ABOUT BEIN' GAY.

I JUST KNEW THAT HE WAS.

WE'RE HAVIN' DINNER
IN BEVERLY HILLS,

AND TALKIN' ABOUT
A POTENTIAL SHOW,

AND THIS CHICK WALKS
INTO THE RESTAURANT,

THIS L.A. SMOKIN'
FUCKIN' HOT, MAN,

PROBABLY AN ACTRESS
OR A MODEL.

SHE WAS A MILF,
WHICH MEANS,

I DON'T CARE
IF SHE HAS CHILDREN.

I DON'T THINK
THE LETTERS LINE UP,

BUT THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS.

SHE SITS AT A TABLE
KINDA NEAR US BY HERSELF,

AND I'D HAD A COUPLE
OF BOTTLES OF WINE WITH DINNER,

AND A COUPLE OF SCOTCHES
BEFORE THAT,

AND I WAS PRETTY DRUNK.

I SAID, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME
THAT THAT DOES NOTHING FOR YOU?

AND HE LOOKED AT HER
AND HE GOES,

"NOT A THING."

I SAID, YOU MEAN,

YOU WOULD RATHER HAVE SEX
WITH ME THAN HER?

"NOT BY MUCH."

WHAT IF I LOST
SOME WEIGHT?

I'M DOIN' YOGA.

AND I'M EATIN'
HAM-FREE CARROT CAKE.

MY DICK HAS EARS.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING
ABOUT L.A.

IS THE PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE
JUST SO GODDAMN PRETTY, MAN.

I'LL TELL YOU
HOW IT HAPPENED.

BACK IN THE'20s, THEY STARTED
MAKIN' MOVIES OUT THERE,

AND WHEN THEY DID,
ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

FROM ALL OVER AMERICA
FLOCKED THE FUCK OUT THERE

TO BE IN THE MOVIES.

THEY COULDN'T
ALL BE IN THE MOVIES.

SOME OF 'EM
GOT REGULAR JOBS,

BUT THEY MET THOSE PEOPLE
THAT WERE IN THE MOVIES.

THEY GOT TOGETHER,
THEY HAD THESE BEAUTIFUL BABIES,

AND THOSE BABIES GREW UP
AND MET OTHER BABIES

FROM THE SAME AREA,
THEY GOT TOGETHER,

AND HAD EVEN MORE
BEAUTIFUL BABIES.

AND ALMOST THE EXACT
OPPOSITE THING

IS HAPPENIN'
RIGHT NOW IN KANSAS.

KANSAS IS FULL OF
UGLY QUITTERS.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

IT'S TRUE.

THOSE PEOPLE THAT LIVE ON
THE FUCKIN' WEST COAST,

THEIR FOREFATHERS GOT ON
THE OREGON TRAIL,

AND FOUGHT HARDSHIPS
YOU AND I CAN'T EVEN DREAM OF,

WITH STARVATION
AND WEATHER AND CROSSIN'
THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS.

NOT THOSE PEOPLE
IN KANSAS.

THEIR FOREFATHERS
GOT ON THE OREGON TRAIL,

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI.

THEY GOT TO KANSAS, SAID,
FUCK IT, I'M STAYIN' HERE,

AND I'M GONNA FUCK
THAT FAT GIRL RIGHT OVER THERE.

"WE HAD A BABY.
IT LOOKS LIKE A POTATO."

AND THAT POTATO GREW UP
AND MET ANOTHER POTATO

FROM THE SAME TOWN.

ABRACADABRA... TOPEKA!

MY WIFE CAME HOME
WITH A STORY THE OTHER DAY.

SHE GOES, "I WAS IN
THE PRODUCE DEPARTMENT TODAY,

AND THIS GUY TOLD ME
I WAS BEAUTIFUL."

WELL, BABY, HE'S RIGHT.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

"YEAH, BUT HE SAID IT."

WELL, I'M SAYIN' IT NOW.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

"YEAH, BUT HE SAID IT."

REALLY? YOU EVER OVERDRAW
HIS CHECKIN' ACCOUNT?

YOU EVER DRIVE
HIS BRAND-NEW MERCEDES

STRAIGHT THROUGH
THE FUCKIN' GARAGE DOOR?

HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO THAT GUY?

IT HAPPENED TO ME,
AND I THINK YOU'RE SO HOT,

I'D FUCK YOU ANYWAY.

AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF THESE GUYS
GOIN' AROUND IN GROCERY STORES

TELLIN' MARRIED WOMEN
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL,

HEY, FUCK YOU.

KILL YOUR OWN CHICKEN,
YOU MOTHER...

MY WIFE'S BEST FRIEND HAS
AN AUTISTIC CHILD NAMED LOUIS.

LOUIS IS 12 YEARS OLD.

HE IS THE SWEETEST CHILD
I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

I'VE KNOWN HIM
SINCE HE WAS SIX.

WE WERE AT THEIR HOUSE
LABOR DAY,

AND LOUIS INFORMED ME
THAT HE WAS GONNA RUN

THE 40-YARD DASH
FOR THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS

AT GWINNETT HIGH SCHOOL
NEAR WHERE I LIVE IN ATLANTA,

AND HE ASKED ME IF I'D
COME ROOT FOR HIM.

AND I SAID, LOUIS,
I'D LOVE TO COME ROOT FOR YOU.

I JUST NEED TO
CHECK MY SCHEDULE.

AND HE GOES,
"WE CHECKED IT, YOU'RE CLEAR."

WELL, THEN,
I'M YOUR MAN, LOUIS.

AND I GOT TO ADMIT,
I WAS DREADIN' IT,

THEN I ENDED UP
HAVIN' FUN.

I THOUGHT IT WAS
GONNA BE SAD.

THAT'S WHY
I WAS DREADIN' IT.

IT'S A CELEBRATION
IS WHAT IT IS.

PEOPLE WERE TAILGATIN'.

THEY'RE NOT PAINTIN'
THEIR FACES AND BELLIES BLUE,

BUT THEY'RE COOKIN' SAUSAGES,
GETTIN' HAMMERED,

BETTIN' ON THESE RACES.

MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT.

THEY ARE BETTIN' ON
THESE RACES.

AND IT'S NOT EASY
TO HANDICAP A RACE.

YOU GOT 17 SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS
IN SIX LANES,

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE FUCK'S GONNA HAPPEN

WHEN THEY FIRE
THAT STARTIN' PISTOL.

THEY COULD SCATTER.

STOP, DROP AND ROLL.

WE SAW IT ALL THAT DAY.

THEY'RE NOT
DRUG TESTIN' THESE KIDS.

AND THEY ANNOUNCED
THE 40-YARD DASH,

AND I WAS MAKIN'
A LITTLE WAGER

ON MY MAN LOUIS,
WHICH I DID FOR 100 BUCKS.

I WAS LOOKIN' DOWN
AT THE TRACK.

I'M UP IN THE STANDS,
AND I'M TRYIN' TO FIGURE OUT

WHICH ONE'S LOUIS,
WHICH ISN'T EASY,

'CAUSE THEY ALL WEAR
THE EXACT SAME THING.

THEY WEAR
SPECIAL OLYMPICS T-SHIRTS,

SPECIAL OLYMPICS SHORTS,
WHICH THEY GOT THAT DAY.

BUT YOU CAN WEAR
WHATEVER FOOTWEAR YOU WANT,

AND LOUIS,
FOR WHATEVER REASON,

THEY HAD CHOSEN
YELLOW RUBBER BOOTS.

WHICH DIDN'T MAKE SENSE
AT FIRST,

AND THEN,
IT STARTED RAININ'.

FUCK, IF THIS THING
GOES OFF-ROAD...

I GOT A NATURAL MUDDER.

AND LOUIS WON.

THE YELLOW BLUR.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL HIM NOW,
THE YELLOW BLUR.

HE LOVES THAT NICKNAME.

HIS MOTHER CALLED ME
THE OTHER DAY.

SHE GOES, "WOULD YOU PLEASE
CALL LOUIS THE YELLOW BLUR?"

PUT HIM ON THE PHONE.

YOU'RE THE YELLOW BLUR.

BING!

IT'S NOT LIKE
PROFESSIONAL SPORTS.

YOU GO TO A LAKERS GAME,
YOU WAVE AT KOBE BRYANT
TILL YOUR ARM FALLS OFF,

HE WON'T WAVE BACK
TO YOU.

LOUIS WAVED BACK TO YOU IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKIN' RACE.

HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.
LOUIS IS FAN FRIENDLY.

LOUIS'LL STOP
AND SIGN AN AUTOGRAPH.

THE YELLOW BLUR.

I TOOK MY SON TATER TOT
TO EUROPE THIS SUMMER.

MY SON IS 21 YEARS OLD NOW.
HE'S IN COLLEGE.

HE'S GETTIN' HIS MASTER'S
IN ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS.

HE'S A GREAT KID.

I'M SO PROUD OF HIM.
HE'S SMART, HE'S FUNNY.

HE HAS MY BRAINS,
HIGH-END PEAKS,

WITHOUT MY
LOW-END PROBLEMS.

THAT'S SOME GOOD
GODDAMN NEWS FOR DAD TO HEAR.

WE'VE BEEN MONITORIN' IT.

HE'S FUNNY.

I WAS DOIN' A CORPORATE GIG
IN ORLANDO

WHERE HE GOES TO COLLEGE,
AND I WAS BACKSTAGE WITH HIM.

I DON'T GET ASKED TO DO
A TON OF CORPORATE GIGS,

'CAUSE WHAT DO YOU WANT
YOUR CORPORATE IMAGE TO BE?

WE WERE HOPIN' FOR
AN OVERWEIGH ALCOHOLIC

THAT SMOKES AND CUSSES.

LET'S CALL LOUIS,
SEE IF RON'S FREE.

ANYWAY, I'M BACKSTAGE
IN THE GREEN ROOM WITH MY SON,

- AND I WEAR WILD SOCKS.
- [ raucous cheering ]

AND BECAUSE I DO,
PEOPLE GIVE ME BIZARRE SOCKS,

FOR WHATEVER REASON.

I'M BACKSTAGE
WITH MY SON,

I'M PUTTIN' ON
THESE WEIRD SOCKS,

AND MARSHALL GOES,
"UH, DAD, UH...

THOSE SOCKS ARE GAY."

I SAID,
CHICKS DIG THESE SOCKS.

HE GOES,
"CHICKS WEARTHOSE SOCKS."

ALL RIGHT, HE'S MY KID.
YOU CAN STOP THOSE TESTS.

I LOVE HIS MOM, MAN.

HIS MOM'S GREAT.
SHE'S MY SECOND WIFE.

I NEVER
ARGUED WITH HER EVER.

SHE DIDN'T WANNA BE MARRIED
TO SOMEBODY

THAT WAS ALWAYS
GONNA BE ON THE ROAD.

THE ONLY ARGUMENT I EVER
REMEMBER HAVIN' WITH HER

WAS WHEN HE WAS
A TODDLER,

ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT
WE SHOULD SPANK HIM.

HER CONTENTION WAS THAT
IF YOU HAD AN ARGUMENT

WITH AN ADULT,
AND YOU DISAGREED WITH HIM,

YOU CERTAINLY
WOULDN'T HIT HIM.

I SAID, I WOULD
IF THEY PEED IN MY FACE.

I'M NOT KIDDIN'.
PEE IN MY FACE,

SEE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS.

SHE BUSTED HIM WITH
INTERNET PORN WHEN HE WAS 15,

AND I FELT
SO SORRY FOR HIM.

SHE CALLED ME,
JUST SQUAWKIN'.

[ makes squawking sounds ]

AND I FELT HORRIBLE
FOR THE KID,

'CAUSE WHEN I WAS 15,
I WAS SO HORNY,

I COULD JACK OFF TO
THE SEARS CATALOG,

AND THAT'S JUST BIG-GIRL PANTIES
AND LAWN MOWERS.

I CAN'T IMAGINE
BEIN' 15 YEARS OLD,

AND HAVIN' AN UNSTOPPABLE
STREAM OF PORNOGRAPHY

PIPED STRAIGHT INTO
YOUR GODDAMN BEDROOM.

WHEN I WAS A KID,
I HAD TO EARN PORN, MAN.

YOU HAD TO WAIT
TILL YOUR FRIEND'S DAD

WENT OUT OF TOWN
ON BUSINESS,

YOU HAD TO PULL DOWN
A RICKETY SPRING-LOADED
ATTIC LADDER,

YOU HAD TO CRAWL UP INTO
A DUSTY, SPIDER-RIDDEN

FUCKIN' CRAWLSPACE,

FORAGE THROUGH
CARDBOARD BOXES

TILL YOU FIND
AN EIGHT-MILLIMETER REEL,

THEN WHAT?

LEARN HOW TO WORK A FUCKIN'
PROJECTOR, THAT'S WHAT!

AND AFTER ALL THAT,

YOU GOT SILENT,
BUSHY PORN.

AND IF THERE WAS
A SOUNDTRACK,

IT WAS ALWAYS SO FUCKED UP,
YOU COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

"HE GONNA STICK HIS FINGER
IN HER EAR?"

"NO, HIS PENIS IN HER REAR.
WATCH THE MOVIE."

WE HAD ONE FRIEND THAT WAS
TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN US,

AND HE WENT,
"SHE PUT IT IN HER MOUTH!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS GONNA
PUT IT IN HER MOUTH!"

"SHE'S GONNA NEED
TO BRUSH HER TEETH."

NOT YET, BUT SHE WILL.
WATCH THE FILM.

NOTE TO SELF:
PUT IT IN HER MOUTH.

SO LAURIE TOLD ME,
THAT'S MY EX-WIFE'S NAME.

SHE GOES, "YOU'RE GONNA NEED
TO TALK TO YOUR SON ABOUT SEX.

IT'S TIME."

I SAID,
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS.

SHE GOES, "WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA DO IT, RON?"

I SAID, HE'S GONNA BE AT
THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND,

SO I'LL TALK TO HIM THEN.

AND SHE SAID,
"OKAY, FINE."

I SAID, MARSHALL,
TURN OFF THE TELEVISION.

TURN IT OFF.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

I SAID, I WANNA TALK
TO YOU ABOUT SEX.

"OH, DAD, COME ON."

NOPE, YOU'RE 15 YEARS OLD,
IT'S TIME WE HAD THIS TALK.

HE GOES, OKAY.

I SAID, THE CLITORIS
IS AS SENSITIVE AS AN EYEBALL.

"IS THAT IT?"

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

DON'T GO RUBBIN' ON IT
IF IT'S DRY.

TURN THAT TV
BACK ON, BOY.

"WHAT ABOUT SAFE SEX, DAD?"

YEAH, IT'S NEVER SAFE,
THEIR HUSBANDS ALWAYS COME HOME.

THAT'S A FUCKIN' MYTH.

HE'S SO SMART, MAN.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW SMART KIDS ARE TODAY.

HE CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTION
THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH

IN TWO SECONDS,
OFF HIS PHONE.

HE'S A COMPUTER FREAK ANYWAY,
BUT YOU ASK ANY QUESTION,

DOESN'T MATTER--
WORLD GEOGRAPHY, WORLD HISTORY,

A NOTE IN A SONG
WRITTEN 300 YEARS AGO.

THERE IT IS.

WHEN I WAS A KID,
I HAD TO BELIEVE MY MOTHER.

THAT'S IT,
THAT'S ALL I HAD.

MOMMY, WHERE DO
RAINBOWS COME FROM?

"WELL, 3,000 YEARS AGO,

"AN 800-YEAR-OLD MAN
NAMED NOAH

"WAS COMMISSIONED BY THE LORD
TO BUILD A GIANT SHIP,

AND ALL THE ANIMALS,
TWO BY TWO."

YOU TRY TO RUN THAT CRAP
BY A KID TODAY.

THEY'RE, LIKE,
CLICK, CLICK.

BULLSHIT.

CLICK, CLICK.
PORN.

PEOPLE FUCKIN'
ON MY PHONE.

IF MY MOTHER DIDN'T KNOW
THE ANSWER TO A QUESTION,

I HAD TO GO TO
THE LIBRARY,

WHICH IS A BUILDING.

WHERE THEY USED TO STORE
THE KNOWLEDGE.

NOW IT'S JUST A PLACE
WHERE HOMELESS PEOPLE PISS.

MY MOTHER USED TO DROP ME OFF
AT THE LIBRARY WHEN I WAS A KID,

AND I WAS ALWAYS
SO INTIMIDATED BY IT,

'CAUSE IT WAS SO BIG,

AND YOU HAD TO BE QUIET,

'CAUSE THE KNOWLEDGE
IS SLEEPING.

YOU HAD TO LEARN
A DECIMAL SYSTEM

MADE UP BY SOME FUCK
NAMED DEWEY.

THEN YOU HAD TO PERUSE
A 100,000-SQUARE-FOOT BUILDING

WITH VOLUMES OF KNOWLEDGE
FROM FLOOR TO CEILING,

CEILING TO FLOOR.

YOU HAD TO CROSS-REFERENCE
DEWEY'S BULLSHIT

WITH THE AUTHOR'S NAME
AND THE CARD CATALOG.

AND YOU FINALLY
GET TO THE PLACE

WHERE THE KNOWLEDGE YOU SEEK
IS SUPPOSED TO BE,

AND IT MIGHT NOT
FUCKIN' BE THERE.

"WHERE'S THE KNOWLEDGE
THAT I SEEK?"

"YEAH, SOMEBODY ELSE
HAS GOT IT."

"WHEN ARE THEY GONNA
BRING IT BACK?"

"THEY KEEP IT FOR
A MONTH FOR A NICKEL."

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN
WHAT I NEED TO KNOW?"

"YOU ASKED YOUR MOTHER?"

"MY MOTHER DOESN'T KNOW
HOW TO WORK A PROJECTOR.

SHE'S IN DENTAL SCHOOL,
FOR FUCK SAKE."

DON'T TRY TO DO THE MATH
ON THAT BIT.

IT'LL JUST
FUCK YOU UP.

A GUY ACTUALLY STOPPED MY SHOW
A FEW WEEKS AGO,

AND HE GOES,
WAIT A MINUTE NOW.

IF THIS SUMMER,
YOU WERE BACK IN LAS VEGAS,

THAT'S WHEN
YOU BROKE YOUR TOOTH.

THAT'S WHEN YOUR MOTHER
WENT TO DENTAL SCHOOL.

AND NOW,
YOU'RE SEVEN YEARS OLD,

YOU'RE SAYING
YOUR MOTHER...

I'M, LIKE...

DUDE, REALLY?

YOU HAD NO PROBLEM WITH
PEARL JUMPIN' ON MY STOMACH,

AND SAYIN' SHE COULD HAVE
ALL MY BABIES AT THE SAME TIME.

BUT THE MATH ON
THIS ONE JOKE

HAS GOT YOU SO FUCKED UP,
YOU JUST HAVE TO TALK.

TELL YOU, THE INTERNET
CHANGED EVERYTHING,

AND IT CERTAINLY
CHANGED THE WAY

PEOPLE DON'T BUY MUSIC.

THE RECORD INDUSTRY
IS ON ITS EAR, MAN,

BECAUSE WHAT THEY MANUFACTURE
BECAME EASIER TO STEAL

THAN IT IS TO BUY,

AND THAT'S JUST
A FACT OF NATURE THESE DAYS.

THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT,

BUT I USED TO SELL
MILLIONS OF COMEDY ALBUMS,

AND NOW, IT'S HARD
TO SELL 'EM,

'CAUSE IT'S JUST SO EASY
TO FUCKIN' RIP IT OFF.

JUST CLICK, CLICK,
OUTTA MY I.R.A.,

INTO YOUR I-FUCKIN'-POD.

WHEN I WAS A KID,
YOU HAD TO GET A RIDE TO SEARS,

WHICH IS A BUILDING.

YOU HAD TO FIND
THE RECORD DEPARTMENT

ON YOUR OWN,

THEN YOU HAD TO CRAM
A TWELVE-INCH BY TWELVE-INCH

ALBUM DOWN YOUR SHORTS

THEN YOU HAD TO
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS IT

WITH LED ZEPPELIN II

CRAMMED DOWN
YOUR FUCKIN' PANTS,

HOPIN' NOBODY WAS GONNA
CATCH YOUR ASS.

THAT'S STEALIN' MUSIC!

WE DIDN'T HAVE VIAGRA.

YOU HAD TO LIKE SOMEBODY
TO FUCK 'EM.

I'M KIDDIN'.
YOU DIDN'T EITHER.

YOU DIDN'T EITHER.

GRUDGE-FUCK THE HELL
OUTTA THEM.

WE DIDN'T HAVE BLUE MOUNTAINS
ON OUR BEER CANS

TO TELL YOU
IF THEY WERE COLD.

YOU HAD TO OPEN
THE REFRIGERATOR,

REACH IN THERE
AND TOUCH THAT BEER CAN,

OR YOU'D NEVER KNOW.

BUT SOMEBODY,
SOMEWHERE WENT,

"IF WE ONLY HAD
SOME SORT OF THERMOSTAT

"ON EACH INDIVIDUAL CAN,

"LIKE THE MOUNTAINS
CHANGING COLOR,

TO SEE THE OPTIMUM
DRINKING TEMPERATURE."

THANK YOU, ROCKY MOUNTAIN.

EVEN THOUGH YOUR BEER
TASTES LIKE ASS.

THOSE MOUNTAINS
SHOULD TURN BROWN.

SO I TOUR,
THAT'S WHAT I DO.

I GO FROM CITY TO CITY
TO CITY TO CITY.

I'VE DONE IT
FOR 27 YEARS.

I'VE BEEN COMIN' TO AUSTIN
ALL 27 OF THOSE YEARS,

FROM THE VELVEETA ROOM
TO THE LAFF STOP,

TO THE CAPITOL CITY
COMEDY CLUB,

TO THE PARAMOUNT,
TO THE PARAMOUNT,

TO THE PARAMOUNT,
TO THE PARAMOUNT.

IT'S MY FAVORITE ROOM IN
THE WHOLE WIDE FUCKIN' WORLD.

I TOUR WITH
MY WIFE USUALLY,

AND I LOVE TO TOUR
WITH MY WIFE,

BECAUSE I ONLY
HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE.

I DON'T HAVE SEX
WITH OTHER WOMEN.

I BEEN MARRIED
THREE TIMES,

AND THAT HAS NOT ALWAYS
BEEN MY POLICY.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I USED
TO TALK TO MY COUSINS

ABOUT THIS RACE
WE WERE GONNA HAVE

TO SEE WHO GETS
MARRIED FIRST.

I CAME IN SECOND,
FOURTH AND SEVENTH.

I FEEL LIKE MY WIFE
MISLED ME A LITTLE BIT

WHEN WE FIRST
GOT TOGETHER,

BECAUSE WHEN WE FIRST
GOT TOGETHER,

SHE WAS ALL ABOUT,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T EVER
WANNA HAVE CHILDREN.

I'M JUST ONE OF THOSE WOMEN
THAT NEVER FELT THE URGE

TO GIVE BIRTH.

AND I DON'T LIKE
REAL DIAMONDS.

I DON'T LIKE 'EM 'CAUSE OF
THAT BLOOD DIAMOND THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?
SUCK DICK AND COOK.

I LIKE TO SUCK DICK,
AND I LIKE TO COOK.

IN FACT, WHEN I'M NOT
COOKIN', I'M SUCKIN' DICK,

AND WHEN I'M NOT
SUCKIN' DICK, I'M COOKIN'.

IN FACT, IF THERE WAS A WAY
I COULD SUCK YOUR DICK

WHILE I WAS COOKIN',
IF WE GOT A STOOL,

AND YOU STOOD ON IT,
AND I COULD BLOW YOU

WHILE I'M SCRAMBLIN'
SOME EGGS,

WEARIN' FAKE JEWELRY,
NOT HAVIN' A BABY,

ALL AT THE SAME TIME...

THAT WOULD BE
HEAVEN FOR ME.

FUCK! ME, TOO.

CUT TO FIVE YEARS LATER.

SHE'S ON THE PHONE WITH CHINA
TRYIN' TO ADOPT A BABY,

SHE GOT A DIAMOND
ON HER FINGER

LOOKS LIKE A SOLAR
FUCKIN' HEATING UNIT,

I'M JACKIN' OFF,
EATIN' A TV DINNER.

WONDER WHAT SHE'S GOT ON
UNDER THAT SNUGGIE.

I'LL BET SHE'S NAKED AS SHIT
UNDER THAT SNUGGIE.

WE HAVE A GREAT SEX LIFE.

YOU EVER 69 SOMEONE SO LONG,
YOU START TO MISS EACH OTHER?

THEN THE SNOW
TURNED TO RAIN.

I LOVE YOU.

APRIL, MAY.

I NEED SOME FOOD.

AND WE COULD BOTH
USE A SHAVE.

WE DID IT ONE TIME SO LONG,
IT TURNED INTO ANOTHER NUMBER.

WHAT IS THIS, A 71?

YOU HAVE YOUR TOE
IN MY NOSE.

WHAT THE FUCK?

MY WIFE HAS A NEW MOVE
IN THE BEDROOM.

MY WIFE'S NEW MOVE
IN THE BEDROOM

IS... LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME.

OPEN YOUR EYES, RON.

LOOK AT ME.

AND THAT'S
A LOT OF PRESSURE.

IT IS.

TO LOOK INTO THE EYES
OF THE WOMAN YOU LOVE

WHILE YOU'RE MAKIN' LOVE,

AND LOOK DEEP INTO
HER SOUL,

AND STILL SEE
ANOTHER WOMAN.

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU GOT
HIT BY A BUS.

I'M GREAT AT SEX,
I COME EVERY TIME.

I'M, LIKE,
4,000 IN A ROW

OR SOME RIDICULOUS
GODDAMN NUMBER.

GIFTED, REALLY, I GUESS.

MY WIFE'S MAYBE
A THIRD AS GOOD AS ME.

I DON'T THINK
SHE'S TRYIN'.

I ASKED HER THE OTHER DAY,

WHAT'S THE FUCKIN' PROBLEM
HERE, BABY?

SHE GOES,
WELL, FOR ONE THING,

THERE'S A FAT, SWEATY GUY
LAYIN' ON TOP OF ME.

THAT'D BREAK
MY CONCENTRATION.

GET OFF ME, DUDE,
I'M TRYIN' TO COME.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WHEN I'M ABOUT TO COME,

I HAVE THE FOCUS
OF A NAVY SEAL.

AFTERWARDS, I LAY THERE
LIKE A WOUNDED MANATEE.

POKE HIM WITH A STICK,
SEE IF HE MOVES.

MY WIFE GIVES THE BEST HEAD,
IF YOU EVER HAVE A CHANCE.

FIRST TIME MY WIFE
GAVE ME A BLOW JOB,

MY HANDS WENT NUMB.

I'M, LIKE, I'M EITHER
HAVIN' A STROKE,

OR THIS GIRL KNOWS
HER WAY AROUND A WEINER.

AND I TOLD HER
WHEN SHE GOT FINISHED,

I SAID, THAT'S
THE BEST DAMN BLOW JOB

I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE,
BY A LOT.

SHE GOES, I KNOW,
IT'S KINDA WEIRD,

'CAUSE I USED TO BE
NOT THAT GOOD AT IT.

I WAS TALKIN' TO MY FRIEND
TED THE FLORIST

THAT LIVED DOWN THE STREET,

AND I JUST ASKED HIM
HOW HE DOES IT.

YOU SUCK MY DICK
LIKE TED THE FLORIST?

THAT MOTHERFUCKER
KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOIN',

I'LL TELL YA THAT.

NOW EVERY TIME I SEE TED,
I'M, LIKE,

YOU OUGHTA OPEN
A SCHOOL, DUDE.

CALL IT TED'S HEAD.

TWO LIPS FOR EVERY OCCASION.

YOU COULD OPEN
A HEAD AND BREAKFAST.

THEN WHAT WOULD
MY SLOGAN BE?

FOOD. IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT DOESN'T SUCK.

YOU GUYS HAVE
BEEN FANTASTIC.

I'M GONNA CLOSE WITH...

[ audience exclaiming
and cheering ]

SO NOBODY'S WATCHIN'
THE DOGS, I GUESS.

I'LL TRY TO GET PEARL
TO PLAY BITE MY FACE.

PEARL'S FAVORITE THING.
SHE CAN HAVE ALL MY BABIES
AT THE SAME TIME.

HER FAVORITE THING
IN THE WORLD

IS FOR ME
TO BITE HER FACE,

'CAUSE SHE'S LIKE
A BILLY GOAT,

FUCKIN' ELBOW OR WHATEVER,
IT HAS NO FEELING IN IT.

SO IF I LAY DOWN
ON THE FLOOR,

SOMETIMES...
SHE DIDN'T DO IT LAST SHOW,

SO YOU HAVE TO BE QUIET.

IF I TELL HER
TO BITE MY FACE,

SHE'LL RUN AND JUMP UP,

AND LAND HER MOUTH
RIGHT ON MY FACE,

SO I'LL BITE IT,
SO, SH, SH.

LET'S TRY IT.

WELL, THAT WENT WAY BETTER
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

NOW I'M GONNA CLOSE THE SHOW
THIS EVENING

WITH MY DR. PHIL STORY.

DR. PHIL McGRAW
IS A FRIEND OF MINE.

WE PLAY GOLF TOGETHER
ALL THE TIME

IN LOS ANGELES,

AND HE'S A GREAT GUY.

YOU NEVER KNOW...
WE BECAME FRIENDS

FROM HIM BEIN' A FAN.

AND YOU NEVER KNOW,
IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY ON TV,

WHAT THEY'RE GONNA
BE LIKE IN PERSON.

DOC'S A SOLID FUCKIN' DUDE.
I GUARANTEE THAT.

HE'S STRAIGHT AS HE CAN BE,
BUT HE'S A GREAT FUCKIN' HANG,

AND HE'S A GREAT ASSET
FOR ME.

MY FATHER PASSED AWAY
WHEN I WAS YOUNG,

AND NOW, I'M IN
THIS BIG BUSINESS WORLD,

AND I CAN BOUNCE
ALL THESE THINGS

THAT I HAVE GOIN' ON
OFF OF DOC AND HIS 35 LAWYERS.

AND THAT'S
A BIG DEAL FOR ME.

I'M REALLY GOOD FRIENDS
WITH HIS SON, JAY McGRAW.

AND, UH, ANYWAY,

THE OTHER DAY, I WAS
TALKIN' TO MY SON

ABOUT SELF-ESTEEM,
AND A FEW DAYS LATER,

I WAS PLAYIN' GOLF
WITH DOC, AND I SAID,

DOC, IF YOU WERE GONNA
TELL SOMEBODY

ONE THING TO DO
TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER

ABOUT WHO THEY ARE,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?

HE SAID,
FINISH THE THINGS YOU START.

I SAID,
THAT'S BRILLIANT.

AND I WENT HOME, AND THERE WAS
A HALF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH

SITTIN' ON THE COUNTER.

I THINK I KNOW
WHAT HE'S GETTIN' AT.

THAT'S NOT
MY DR. PHIL STORY.

HERE'S MY DR. PHIL STORY.

EVERY YEAR,
DOC AND HIS FAMILY

RENT A YACHT FOR 12 DAYS
IN THE MEDITERRANEAN,

AND THAT'S
THEIR VACATION.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY
HE CAN GET AWAY.

'CAUSE HE IS THE MOST FAMOUS
PERSON IN AMERICA.

HE'S THE MOST RECOGNIZABLE
FACE, 6'4",

BALD DOME HEAD,
PORN MUSTACHE.

YOU CAN SPOT HIM
FROM ANY FUCKIN' WHERE.

AND BECAUSE HE SEEMS
SO APPROACHABLE ON TELEVISION,

AND HE REALLY IS
APPROACHABLE,

I MEAN,
A SWEETHEART OF A DUDE,

BUT PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS...

ANYTIME HE GOES
OUT IN PUBLIC,

"OH, WHAT ABOUT THIS..."
AND THAT'S FINE AT FIRST,

BUT EVENTUALLY, IT WILL EAT
THE SKIN OFF YOUR FUCKIN' BONES

IF YOU CAN'T WALK
OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

WITHOUT SOMEBODY GOIN',

"HEY, MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
IS ALL FUCKED UP...

"COME BACK HERE.

ASSHOLE!"

AND THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW IT HAPPENS.

I'VE SEEN IT.
SO THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

WELL, LAST...
THIS SUMMER,

MY WIFE AND I WENT ON
VACATION TO FRANCE AND MONACO,

AND I NEED A BREAK, TOO,
SOMETIMES.

I DO 140 CITIES
A YEAR.

I DO MORE DATES
THAN ANY OTHER COMIC...

MORE CITIES THAN ANY
OTHER COMIC WORKIN' TODAY,

'CAUSE I JUST LOVE
FUCKIN' DOIN' IT,

AND 20 MINUTES FROM NOW,

NOBODY'S GONNA GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

WHILE THEY DO, I BELIEVE
I'LL DO A LOT OF SHOWS.

HEY.

SO WE'RE IN FRANCE
AND MONACO,

AND HAVIN' A GREAT TIME.

WE'RE JUST...

I'M REALLY IN LOVE
WITH MY WIFE.

SHE'S SO MUCH FUN,
SO TALENTED.

WE HAVE A FUN LIFE
TOGETHER.

AND WE'RE THERE,
AND ONE DAY, THE PHONE RINGS,

AND IT'S DOC,
AND HE GOES,

AREN'T YOU GUYS
IN MONACO?

AND I SAID YEAH.

HE GOES, WE'RE GONNA BE
IN MONACO TOMORROW.

WHY DON'T YOU COME
PARTY ON THE YACHT?

I SAID, FUCK, YEAH.

WHICH IS WHAT YOU SAY
IF SOMEBODY SAYS,

YOU WANNA COME
PARTY ON THE YACHT?

YOU GO, FUCK, YEAH.

IN FACT,
LET'S TRY IT ONE TIME.

YOU WANNA COME
PARTY ON THE YACHT?

Audience:
FUCK, YEAH!

I DON'T HAVE A YACHT.

SO I WAS, LIKE, YEAH,
FUCK, THIS IS GREAT.

WE'RE EXCITED.

WE WERE DOWN THERE,
STAYIN' AT THE FAIRMONT HOTEL,

OVERLOOKIN' THE LITTLE
YACHT HARBOR IN MONACO.

VERY COOL PLACE.

WE WERE DOWN THERE LOOKIN' AT
THE YACHTS THE DAY BEFORE,

GOIN', WOULDN'T IT BE COOL
IF YOU KNEW SOMEBODY

THAT HAD ONE OF THESE THINGS?

YOU COULD JUST HOP ON IT
AND FUCKIN' THROW THE FUCK DOWN.

AND IT'S EVERYBODY'S
YACHT, MAN.

THIS IS YACHT HEAVEN.

THIS IS STEVE WYNN'S YACHT.

PRINCE ALBERT
OF MONACO'S YACHT.

THIS IS THAT RUSSIAN DUDE
WITH THE TINY GIRAFFES.

ANYWAY, THEY'RE COMIN' IN
AT 6:30 THE NEXT EVENING,

SO THE NEXT MORNING,
WE WAKE UP...

THE NEXT AFTERNOON,
WE WAKE UP.

WE GO HAVE
THIS AMAZING LUNCH,

WE'RE DRINKIN'
THIS FUCKIN' GREAT WINE

FROM FRANCE PROBABLY.

THAT'D BE MY GUESS.

IF I HAD TO GUESS,

AND I DID...

HAVE TO GUESS.

FRANCE.

AND WE'RE JUST HAVIN'
A GREAT, GREAT DAY.

SEX AND JUST
A FUCKIN'...

AND THEN, WE GO DOWN
TO THE FUCKIN' HARBOR

THAT EVENING, 6:30,
SURE ENOUGH,

DOC'S BACKIN' IN
A 165-FOOT YACHT.

[ making engine noises ]

I'M NOT SURE
THAT'S HOW THEY DO IT.

SO THE ONLY WAY
TO GET ON THE YACHT

IS TO WALK ON
THIS GANGPLANK
TO GET ON THE YACHT,

AND I'M WALKIN' ON
THE GANGPLANK GOIN',

NOBODY'S STOPPIN' ME.

WE GET ON THE YACHT,
AND THERE'S OUR FRIENDS
FROM CALIFORNIA,

HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD.

ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME?

HOW MUCH FUN
ARE WE HAVIN'?

I'M HUGGIN' EVERYBODY.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
ON THE YACHT.

ANY TIME I'M HUGGIN' YOU,
AND I'M IN A STRANGE PLACE,

WHAT I'M REALLY DOIN'
IS LOOKIN' OVER YOUR SHOULDER,

TRYIN' TO FIND A BAR.

THAT'S WHY I'M TURNING YOU.

AND I SEE THE BAR,

AND RIGHT IN THE DEAD
FRONT CENTER OF THE BAR

IS A BOTTLE OF
FAMOUS BLACK GROUSE,

WHICH IS A SCOTCH
I STARTED DRINKIN'

WHEN I WAS IN SCOTLAND

FOR THE OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP
IN TURNBERRY.

AND YOU START LOOKIN' AT
WHAT THE SCOTS DRINK,

AND THAT'S WHAT
THEY DRINK.

I'M, LIKE,
OH, FUCK, YES.

AND THEY HAVE A BOTTLE OF IT.
IT'S KINDA HARD TO FIND.

AND THE BARTENDER POURED ME
A BIG OLD GLASS OF WHISKEY,

WAY BIGGER THAN
THIS ONE.

AND I'M IN
SUCH A GREAT MOOD,

IT TASTED BETTER THAN I EVER
TASTED ANY FUCKIN' SCOTCH EVER.

I'M, LIKE, OH, GOOD LORD.

THAT TASTES LIKE
BUTTER HONEY

AGED IN
LINDSAY LOHAN'S PUSSY.

IT TASTED SO GOOD,
I DECIDED TO SKIP DINNER,

AND JUST HAVE
A COUPLE MORE OF 'EM.

SCARE ME UP
ANOTHER ONE OF THESE.

[ muttering ]

HOW ABOUT ONE MORE?
ALL RIGHT.

I HADN'T HAD A DRINK
SINCE LUNCH.

I WAS THIRSTY.

I WAS GOIN' AT IT,
YOU KNOW.

AND DOC NOTICED
I WAS REALLY DRINKIN' HARD,

AND HE GOES, YOU'RE REALLY
DRINKIN' TONIGHT, RON.

I SAID, YEAH, DOC,
SOME NIGHTS,

IT JUST TASTES LIKE
SPRING WATER.

HE GOES, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST DRINK SPRING WATER, RON?

I DON'T KNOW.
I'M NOT A FUCKIN' DOCTOR.

SO THIS IS GOIN' ON
FOR FUCKIN' HOURS.

NOW THEY REALLY
LOVE MARGO.

THEY REALLY LOVE
MY WIFE MARGO.

MARGO'S SUNG ON
DR. PHIL'S SHOW A FEW TIMES,

AND THEY GO EVERYWHERE
TO SEE HER.

AND MARGO'S
A FOUR-AND-A-HALF OCTAVE

CLASSICALLY TRAINED
OPERA SINGER

THAT SINGS ROCK AND ROLL
AND JAZZ AND WHATEVER.

SHE'S BEEN SINGIN' HERE
FOR YEARS.

AND ROBIN McGRAW LOVES TO GOAD
MY WIFE INTO SINGIN',

AND MY WIFE LOVES TO BE
GOADED INTO SINGIN',

SO THEY MAKE A GREAT LITTLE
FUCKIN' TEAM.

SO WE'RE ON
THE BACK OF THIS YACHT,

AND ROBIN GOES,
COME ON, MARGO, SING FOR US.

AND MARGO GETS UP.

THERE'S PEOPLE IN THE BACK,
PARTYIN' ON ALL THESE YACHTS.

BARS ON THE PIER,
PEOPLE OUT THERE.

AND MARGO GETS UP
AND SHE SINGS,

AND THEY LOVE JAZZ
IN FRANCE AND MONACO.

THEY HAVE JAZZ CLUBS
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

AND SHE GETS UP AND SHE SINGS
A JAZZ STANDARD

IN FULL VOICE,

WHICH I DON'T GET TO HEAR HER
SING IN FULL VOICE.

SHE SINGS AROUND THE HOUSE,
BUT NOT AT FULL VOICE.

WHEN SHE SINGS IN
FULL VOICE,

IT MAKES ME CRY.

OH, NO.

AND SHE FINISHES
THE FIRST SONG AT FULL VOICE,

AND PEOPLE STAND UP
ON THE BACK OF ALL THESE YACHTS,

AND START CHEERIN'.
THEY'RE, YEAH!

I'M, LIKE, HOW COOL
IS THIS, MAN?

THEY REALLY DIG JAZZ.

I FORGOT HOW MUCH
THEY DIG JAZZ.

SHE GETS UP AND SINGS
ANOTHER SONG,

FUCKIN' SCREAMIN'.

PEOPLE ARE GATHERIN' UP
AROUND THE BACK OF THE BOAT.

BY SONG FOUR,
THERE'S 400 PEOPLE

BEHIND THE BOAT,
LISTENIN' TO HER SING.

YOU COULD HEAR
A PIN DROP.

JUST LIKE THIS...
PIN DROP.

AND SHE'S JUST
KILLIN' IT.

AND I HAVE
A LITTLE SECRET.

I AM FUCKIN'
HAMMERED, MAN.

I AM SO DRUNK.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT
MY FUCKIN' SELF,

HOW DRUNK I AM.

I'M, LIKE,
JESUS CHRIST.

I'D GET A DRINK,

AND I'D TAKE
ONE LITTLE SIP OUT OF IT,

THEN TALK TO SOMEBODY,
I LOOK BACK AND IT'S EMPTY.

ANYBODY ELSE
DRINKIN' OUT OF THIS GLASS?

MISCALCULATIONS.

ANYWAY, SHE DOES
SEVEN OR EIGHT SONGS,

AND SHE GOES, OKAY, GUYS,
THAT'S ENOUGH.

AND SHE SITS DOWN,
AND DOC GOES,

WELL, RON, YOU WANNA
DO SOMETHIN'?

NOW I GOTTA
PREFACE THIS WITH,

HE'S ON VACATION
WITH HIS BEST FRIEND

AND HEAD LAWYER
AND HIS WIFE MARY PAT,

AND THEY'RE BAPTISTS
FROM DALLAS,

AND THEY'RE A LITTLE
FUCKIN' STRAIGHT.

AND THEY'RE ABOUT
TO FIND OUT MY SECRET.

ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO,

I WAS DOIN' A BIT
THAT WAS SO VILE,

THAT I ONLY DID IT
FOR ABOUT A WEEK,
AND I JUST QUIT DOIN' IT.

THIS IS NOT THE DIRECTION
I WANNA TAKE MY CROWD

FOR MY SHOW.

I HAVE NO IDEA
WHY I PICKED THAT NIGHT

TO DUST HER OFF
AND TAKE HER FOR A SPIN.

THE OTHER DAY, I WAS
TIT-FUCKIN' MAMIE EISENHOWER.

RIGHT BEFORE I CAME,
MY DICK SLIPPED

AND WENT STRAIGHT DOWN
HER TRACHEAL TUBE.

HERE'S THE MORAL QUESTION:

DO YOU PULL OUT...

OR DUMP A LOAD
INTO HER LUNGS?

YACHTS ARE PULLIN' UP
ANCHOR ON BOTH SIDES OF US,

AS FAST AS THEY CAN
PULL 'EM UP.

THEY'RE LEAVIN' THE HARBOR
SO FAST,

THERE'S A SURFABLE WAKE.

THERE'S A STAMPEDE
OF TINY GIRAFFES

DIVIN' OFF THE PIER,

SWIMMIN' TOWARDS THE OCEAN
AND CERTAIN DEATH.

PEOPLE ARE PULLIN'
THEIR KIDS OFF THE PIER.

I WENT, I DON'T THINK
THEY HEARD ME.

I'M GONNA DO IT AGAIN.

DOC GOES, THAT'S ENOUGH
OUT OF YOU, RON.

AND MARGO'S
TAPPIN' ME OUT.

YOU EVER BEEN TAPPED OUT?

COME ON, BABY,
IT'S TIME TO GO.

SHE'S SEEN IT.

COME ON, HONEY, LET'S
JUST GO BACK TO THE HOTEL.

IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO.
COME ON, BABY.

BABY, LET'S JUST
GO BACK TO THE HOTEL.

COME ON NOW, RON.

[ drunken gibberish ]

AND I SPEAK FLUENT DRUNK.

THAT MEANS, I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU WANNA LEAVE.

I'M HAVING
A PERFECTLY GOOD TIME.

TURNS OUT THERE WAS
A CONSENSUS.

OKAY, I'LL LEAVE.

THE ONLY WAY TO GET
OFF THE SHIP

IS TO WALK BACK
OFF THAT GANGPLANK,

AND AT THE END
OF THE GANGPLANK,

THERE'S AN 18-INCH DROP-OFF.

AND MY WIFE'S IN FRONT OF ME,
MARGO'S IN FRONT OF ME.

I GET TO THE END
OF THE GANGPLANK,

DOC GOES, BIG STEP, RON.
I SAID, THANKS, DOC,

THINKIN' I'D MADE A BIG STEP
TOWARDS SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S THE BIG PSYCHOLOGIST,
NOT ME.

IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH
SPEED YOU CAN PICK UP

IN 18 INCHES.

IT'S NOTHIN' LIKE FALLING OVER
ON THE SAME LEVEL

THAT YOU'RE ALREADY ON.

I SLAMMED DOWN
TO THAT FUCKIN' PIER.

I LANDED SQUARE ON
THIS ELBOW,

DISLOCATED THIS SHOULDER,

PUT A FOUR-INCH GASH
DOWN THE BACK OF MY ARM,

AND I WAS SO DRUNK,

I JUST BOUNCED OFF
THAT PIER.

FADE TO BLACK.

I WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING
WITH THE SHOE BUDDIES.

ALL I CAN DO IS LAY THERE
IN BED AND GO,

SHOE BUDDY.

I CAN'T MOVE MY SHOULDER.

SHOE BUDDY.

MY SHIRT'S STUCK TO
MY ARM WITH BLOOD

AND GIRAFFE HAIR,

AND WHATEVER THE FUCK ELSE
YOU'D FIND ON A PIER.

SHOE BUDDY.

I HAVE A WET JOLLY RANCHER
IN MY ARMPIT.

SOUR APPLE.

HAD TO CUT IT OUT
WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS.

YOU ALMOST CAN'T EAT 'EM
AFTER THAT.

SHOE BUDDY.

I SLOWLY OPENED
MY ACHIN' FUCKIN' EYES,

AND THERE'S MARGO.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU GOT REALLY DRUNK
LAST NIGHT, RON.

WHAT'D I DO?

WELL, YOU DID THE TIT-FUCKIN'
MAMIE EISENHOWER STORY.

DID MARY PAT LAUGH?

MARY PAT LEFT,
IS WHAT MARY PAT DID.

SHOE BUDDY.

YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA
INVITE US BACK OVER

TO PARTY ON
THE YACHT TODAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN NOW, RON.

I DON'T KNOW.

WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM,
SLAMS THE DOOR.

I JUST STARTED
BERATIN' MYSELF.

I'M, LIKE, WHY YOU
DO THAT, RON?

WHY DO YOU GET SO DRUNK

AND SCREW THINGS UP
FOR OTHER PEOPLE?

WHY CAN'T YOU DRINK LIKE
A REGULAR GODDAMN PERSON?

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL SON
AND A BEAUTIFUL WIFE,
A GREAT CAREER.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
SOME CHANGES IN YOUR LIFE

THAT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE
IN THE LONG RUN,

AND ABOUT THEN, THE PHONE RANG,
AND IT WAS DOC.

HE GOES, YOU GUYS GONNA
COME PARTY ON THE YACHT?

I SAID, FUCK, YEAH!

THANKS FOR PLAYIN' ALONG.

I'VE NEVER PERFORMED
FOR A BETTER CROWD

IN MY GODDAMN LIFE.

BLESS YOUR HEARTS
FOR LISTENING SO INTENTLY.

THANK YOU.