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SMEE INC AND CO SUBTITLES
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(CRINKLES CRISP PACKET)
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(CRUNCHES NOISILY)
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(CONTINUES CRUNCHING NOISILY)
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That's what I love about going out with you, Gary
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It's an endless orgy of glamour and entertainment!
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Dorothy's usual, please, Les
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(MUMBLED) Refresh my memory
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Vodka in a chipped glass with a dribble of
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flat tonic and an aftertaste if cigarette ash
-Oh, yeah, I remember now.
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I've had some bad news
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I've had a postcard from Dermot, he's not coming back
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"Have fallen in love with a croupier called Lotitsia...
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...we're going around the world on her Yamaha."
Isn't that an organ?
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No, it's a motorbike
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"Send my Polynesian love balls and other important items to my Mum...
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sell everything else, my saucepans etc., to cover what I owe you." Thanks
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Generous of him
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Well it would be if his possessions weren't worth
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precisely 16 pounds and 47 pence
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What does he owe you?
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862 quid
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"Weather lovely..."
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Oh, a donkey
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having sex with another donkey
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Why doesn't anyone offer me to take me around the world?
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Because they know they'd have a crap time
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I've been writing an ad for the newspaper
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Lets have a look
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No, you'd only use it as an excuse for a cheep laugh
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I will not
-You always do
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Yeah, looks fine
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You don't think "Jacuzzi" is pushing it a bit do you?
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Why?
-Because you haven't got one
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No, but if you woosh the shower attachment in it when you're in the bath
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It's just like it, honestly
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Don't you think you should put "Bath with shower attachment you
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can woodge round a bit"?
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Too many words
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He he, I'll tell you how you can get a Jacuzzi when you're in the bath
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Les, are you gonna say what I think you're gonna say?
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(LAUGHING) Yeah
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You see, I don't want to attract the wrong sort of person
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No, Marjorie and I talked about taking
lodgers in
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but she was scared there'd be congestion on the stairs
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God. Yeah. Scary
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So we thought about letting out the room downstairs
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next to our living room
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Isn't that your kitchen, George?
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Yes, I think that's why we decided against it in the end
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Anyway, these questions should weed out any unsuitable candidates
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Oh, ask me one
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Oh, alright
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"Are you working at the moment?"
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That's a tricky one. Isn't it?
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We'll try another one
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"Are you very likely to bring a lot of young women into my home,...
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...quite likely or not very likely at all?"
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Sorry, another tricky one
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"What is the capital of Tanzania?"
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Dar es Salaam
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Oh, is it?
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Is that relevant?
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Of course it is, George
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Hopefully we are going to be having stimulating chats
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I don't want Mr. Stupid cluttering up my sofa
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Anthea, is this display of petulance going to last?
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I'm just asking for a decent pay rise
-It's the same for me
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But I earn a pittance
-I think you'll find it's the industry standard pittance
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Well, it isn't fair
-It isn't a fair world, Anthea
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If it was I'd be shacked up with my 17 year old niece. Wouldn't I?
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I'm sorry but I've started to work to rule
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(SLAMS DOOR)
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Have you let this one go out, Anthea?
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(ANTHEA) I simply put down what was on the Dictaphone
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So you've sent out a letter to major client that ends:
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"Give the slimy git the usual fob off... err, Yours with the deepest contempt...
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...blah blah. George do you have to poke around in your...
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ear while I'm dictating?"
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You're dead meat, Anthea
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(SLAMS DOOR)
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And, um, are you working at the moment?
-Yeah
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Bit of this, bit of that
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"Bit of this, Bit of that"
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Bit of the other (LAUGHS)
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(FAKE LAUGHS)
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Well, looks alright to me. Where your toilet?
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There isn't one
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...and then the phone bill came and I said "No way am I paying any...
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of this. I don't even know any in Canada. I probably ring my homeopath once a week...
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...that's all." And I knew they were drinking my milk because I put a Biro mark on the
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carton and it was always me who ended up buying the toilet rolls even though I use
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less than anyone else because... well, I'll tell you all about that when I move in, okay?
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So, I grind my teeth, I mean, so what? Just means I'm a little bit wound up. Don't you get
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wound up sometimes? I've never actually hurt anyone even if I do fly off the hadle when
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people mention certain things. I mean, I think I'm completely reasonable. Don't you
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think I'm reasonable? I think I'm reasonable. Anyway, coat hangers? Have you got any?
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Because I could bring my own but I'm a bit superstitious about wardrobes. I can bring
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my own bedding. That's absolutely no problem...
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Okay... never mind... we'll try another one
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What's the capital of Tanzania?
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Just nod if you can hear me
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(SCOUSE ACCENT)
Alrite mate, er, I've been talking to a wife at the top of the road
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She said you've got a room available, accommodation, like, y' know. So I'd though I'd
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pop doon and have look. Erm you're Gary, yeah. Yeah yeah, I knew it, yeah
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It's a nice street, like, erm, so if it's alright with ye I'll come in and have a look aroond
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I'm sorry. I'm looking for somebody with English as their first language, Thank you
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No, I can't think of any irritating habits off hand
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You don't, like, clean between your toes with a sofa cushion or anything?
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No. Who would do something like that?
-He he
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Well, Dermot actually, my last flat mate, he did that
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I shared with someone who used to dry out his underwear in the microwave
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Dermot just used to wait till he had enough stains and then brush them off
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Well we seem to get on pretty...
(INTERRUPTING) Do you have a girlfriend?
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Er... yes
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Well, I don't have one at the moment. I was wondering...
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...would you let her watch as I stoked my nipples?
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So, how many people have you seen?
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3 social inadequates, 3 psychopaths, a man with a big dog and my mother
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And the 8 people who turned you down
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I don't want a psychopath living downstairs
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I quite liked the psychopaths. It's my mother who scared me
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Look, if you really want to find someone try and be more charming
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I've been charming. I've shown them everything in the flat
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Yes, and don't ever knock on my door again at midnight with a man
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in a tank top and refer to me as a feature
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(DOORBELL)
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He couldn't come any earlier. He'd been out Morris dancing.
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Er, is this that flat with the room to let?
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Yes. Who are you?
-Tony
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Tony? You should have come last week
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Yeah, I lost the bit of paper with the address on it
-Oh well come in
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I don't know what happened, ya know. I thought it must have slipped down into the
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lining of my jacket because I could sort of feel a piece of paper in there, you know?
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Hi
(BOTH IN UNISON) HI
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Uh, so I tried to work it out through the lining and through the arm hole and that
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didn't work so I ended up undoing a lot of the seams with a pair of blunt scissors
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which took, well, ages and, well, there it was.
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What?
-An old bus ticket
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I found the address down the back of the sofa
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Should I come in again?
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This is Tony
-Hi
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Uh, This is Deborah. She lives in the flat upstairs but I working on it (FORCED LAUGH)
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That's just me being funny
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And this is Dorothy my, sort of, girlfriend
-Thanks Gary
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Have a seat
-Thanks
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What do you do Tony?
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Err, I'm in the music business
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Do you know Barry White?
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No
-Oh
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Anyway this is the procedure we will be following:
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I'll start by introducing you to the key fixtures and facilities and then I'll be offering
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you a beverage of your choice while asking you a series of simple questions
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Oh get on with it, Gary
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Well, as you can see, this is the living room with its useful U shaped seating amenity
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And up here is the extensive glassware facility. Bit of a heirloom there, Tony
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So no touchy-touchy
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Now these are handy units, aren't they? Oh
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Nice pots
-Yes yes yes. Plenty of pot-wear useful for cooking and so on
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And the cutlery goes in here in the draw for cutlery
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There's the mantle piece useful for... mantle-wear
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Yeah, I think I could be at home here
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Oh, moving on, into the bathroom. I'll show you how to work the Jacuzzi later
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Well he seems very nice
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I dunno. He's not as ideal as Dermot. Is he?
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You also said Dermot was about as much fun to live with as nose hair
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People aren't exactly pleading to move in, are they?
(DOORBELL)
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Maybe I should re-advertise in The Times?
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Oh, I see. That's the problem. He's not professional enough for you
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I'm just concerned that we should be able to comunicate at a sophisticated level
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What, like your conversations with Dermot you mean?
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Two hours on how small pointy breast are better that large roundy ones
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Exactly!
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It's pure snobbery, just 'cause he sells records
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It isn't. I'd have just as many doubts if he owned his own record company
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Maybe he does. He left a card
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"Tony's Smart Records Ltd."
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Oh, well I'm sure he'll fit in very nicely
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I'm sorry, I forgot my bag
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I'm glad you came back Tony. Welcome aboard
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Oh, well cheers!
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Well I'll turn up tomorrow around 8-ish
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Don't you have to give any notice?
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Yeah you're right. Better make it nearer 9
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I'm sorry about all of the questions earlier. You can't be too careful these days
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Nah, That's alright. You gotta check that I'm not weird or anything, haven't ya?
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Seems heavy. What have you got in here?
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It's a mate of mine. Owns a butchers and he had this pig's head left over
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YEAH!
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Says the eyes explode if you do it in a microwave
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Oh, there it is
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Oh, really, grow up Dermot
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(MAKES LIGHTSABRE NOISES)
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Ah, Obi Wan at last we meet
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(LIGHTSABRE NOISES)
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Nice action
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(DOORBELL)
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I'd stay and show you how everything works only I'm a bit late for work
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That's alright. I'll find my way about
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I've been going through Dermot's stuff. Have a look and see if there's anything you like
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I know he'd want his condom gift set to go to a good home
-Oh, Thanks
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So, what was he like then?
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He was alright. we got on pretty well
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Actually, Tony, to be perfectly honest between you and me I found him a little bit
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hard to take seriously sometimes
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Right, see you later
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(WOMAN SHOUTING)
Get up you lazy bastard! Get up you lazy bastard!
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(MAKES LIGHTSABRE NOISES)
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May the force be with you
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(LIGHTSABRE NOISES)
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"Having a great time in spite of riding the Yamaha into a yacht"
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...yak"
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"Istanbul has a WHSmiths. Love Dermot and Lotitsia"
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"P.s. I left some spaghetti in my room. You might as well throw it away"
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"U shaped seating amenity"
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"No touchy-touchy"
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(SMASH)
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(DOORBELL)
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Oh, you've arrived then
-Yeah
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Come in
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Not interrupting anything am I?
222
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Oh, no. I was just smashing up a load of glasses
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Coffee?
-oh, thanks
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So, where's the kettle?
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Well, they always used to use the hot tap
226
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So, how long have you and Gary known each other?
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Oh, since I moved in a couple of months ago
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He's been very kind
-Yeah he seems very...
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Well not exactly kind, more...
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...irritating
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But he did help me out when my boyfriend got a bit violent
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Oh, that is kind
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He let my boyfriend headbutt him
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So, what happened to your boyfriend?
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Well, he got a bit of a bruise up here and...
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No, I mean, um, are you still together?
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Oh no
238
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What about you?
239
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Oh, I'm hopeless. I mean I meet a girl. It seems to be going well and then it just all goes wrong
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But do you know why?
241
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I think I'm shy
242
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:30,200
I suppose I just need a woman to take me and show me the ropes
243
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,900
I shouldn't worry
244
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:36,900
Women are supposed to be attracted to vulnerable men
245
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:39,300
Do you really think so?
246
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,000
K? K? K? George, where's the K?
247
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(GEORGE) I don't know. Have you tried looking in the manual?
248
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:52,200
Well, there's got to be one here somewhere. I've seen Anthea using it
249
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,200
Well, it's got a C. I'll use that
250
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:01,900
You sure Dermot shouldn't have these back?
251
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,100
Those, possibly, yes
252
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:08,800
Modern clothes are very snug around the groin. Aren't they?
253
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:14,700
When I was a young man I could get a side of beef down my trousers
254
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,100
Not that I tried, of course
255
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,400
Well, only the once
256
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,000
Maybe a jumper would be more you...
-No, no
257
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,500
I'm starting to get u... used to these
258
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,400
You've taken a while on that letter, haven't you?
259
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,200
Just being thorough, George. It's a pretty pathetic boss who can't do a little typing
260
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,400
every now and again, isn't it?
261
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,600
Isn't it time you patched up this dispute with Anthea
262
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,100
No. Not till she starts to work properly
263
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:54,500
As soon as she stops acting childishly, the sooner I put the wheels back on her typing chair
264
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,000
But we've always worked so well together
265
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:02,600
Listen, George, I have offered her a modest but fair pay increase and what does she do?
266
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,400
She deliberately spends 3 hours typing a short memo
267
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,400
It's quicker that you
-I KNOW IT'S QUICKER THAN ME
268
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,500
But that's not the point. Is it?
269
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,600
I think you made matters worse by taking the bulb out of her Anglepoise
270
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:18,800
and confiscating her biscuits
271
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:22,400
Merely sticking to CBI guidelines, George
272
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,400
Right, let;s get this over with
273
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:39,900
Anthea. Can you spare a moment? We need to sort this out
274
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:49,900
Now there comes a time in industrial relations when a little compromise is needed
275
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,900
Yes
276
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:55,200
Well, Anthea, I've tried to compromise
277
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,000
but you haven't so I'm going lock you in the stationary cupboard
278
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,700
Normally I wouldn't do this, you understand, Anthea but there's a recession on
279
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,500
But I haven't done anything wrong
280
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:08,000
Ah, now that's what Goebbels said, isn't it?
281
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,900
Only in German of course
282
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:16,600
Firm but fair, George, firm but fair
283
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:22,900
So, What do you think of Deborah, eh?
284
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:27,500
(BOTH LAUGH) He he he ho ha he he he
285
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,900
And that's not being sexist, you understand
-No, no, no
286
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,500
I helped straighten things out between her and her boyfriend, actually
287
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,600
I heard, yeah
288
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,400
I think that whole business hurt her quite a bit
289
00:19:42,300 --> 00:19:43,900
Well, me too. Come to think of it
290
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:47,000
We've all been hurt that way sometime or other, though, haven't we
291
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:51,100
Oh god yes terribly
-Women just don't understand that men suffer too and... and...
292
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:55,300
And that can affect our ability to... thing
-Yeah
293
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,700
I've just had to dump a girlfriend
294
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,200
Oh, it's never easy is it?
-No
295
00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:07,600
Rang her up today. Told her I've moved in with Deborah.
296
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,600
Nice, nice. At least she knows she's been chucked for a good reason
297
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,100
Oh yeah, yeah. I told her I agonized for ages but in the end
298
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,300
Deborah's got a sports car
299
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:20,700
How'd she take it?
300
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,300
I dunno, 10p ran out
301
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,900
So, what about you and Dorothy?
302
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,500
Oh well, we've been going out for a couple of years now
303
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:39,600
Oh well, that's... that's good isn't it. That's commitment
304
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,700
Oh, god, yes commitment yeah, yeah, yeah
305
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:44,500
I don't know where women get the idea that men are
306
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:46,600
frightened of committing themselves
307
00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:50,200
We tell 'em
-Oh yeah, yeah
308
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:52,300
Where is Dorothy?
309
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:57,100
She's, uh, in the bath. She'd probably ask me to hop in in a bit
310
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,000
She give a great soaping, Dorothy does
311
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:06,600
So, Tony, has Gary sapped all of you life spirit? Alienated your friends
312
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,800
and made you want to strangle him with an electric flex yet?
313
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:13,500
No?
-No, no. You haven't been going out with him for 3 years, have you?
314
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,600
A bit of the old banter, eh (LAUGHS)
315
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,600
(DOORBELL)
316
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,600
Answer that
317
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,700
So, why did you leave your old place?
318
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:30,300
Trouble with the landlord. I think he wanted us all out.
319
00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:32,000
Tenants get a rough deal, sometimes, don't they?
320
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,000
Yeah, I'm not surprised really though. Hadn't paid the rent for 3 years
321
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,200
Hi
-Oh, Hi
322
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:42,500
Drink Deborah?
-No, thanks. I can't stay. I've got a lot to do
323
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:44,000
Oh go on
-Okay
324
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:47,000
What's the book?
325
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:51,600
Oh, "How to Overcome Shyness and Form New Relationships"
326
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:53,600
My mother gave it to me
327
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:58,500
She thinks women who aren't married by the age of 25 are psychologically disturbed
328
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:03,500
Thanks
-Oh god. Let's all be sensitive and complicated, shall we?
329
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,600
Just 'cause you're insensitive, doesn't mean Tony has to be
330
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:11,400
I found this on the mat. I don't understand. It's addressed "To Tony and Deborah"
331
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:22,100
"Deborah, the next time you seduce someone's boyfriend. Don't pick a lying...
332
00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:26,600
...moron who: A) Tries to pull your sister B) Borrows you money to get you...
333
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:32,400
...a present and buys himself a tortoise and C) Who dumps you for some tart...
334
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,900
...with a sports car"
335
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:40,200
"Tony, I have left your guitar outside, together with a surprise for you both"
336
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:43,100
How disappointing
337
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,700
Um, Deborah...
338
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,100
You'd wanna wash that off before it stains your upholstery
339
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:05,100
12 hours and 339 lines of subtitles later
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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