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Jason: I'm just saying that I wouldn't be going in to work tomorrow if I were two weeks over due.
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Maggie: Well that's because you are a better mother than I am.
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Mike: Heee.
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Ben: Mike. Singing is for kids. Besides you promised no singing. Remember.
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Mike: Hey, who's singing? All I said was Heeeee.
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Ben: Quit it mike. Like mum and dad said. It's my day.
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Mike: Alright, alright. It's your party, it's your rules. Heeeee.
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Ben: Mike!
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Jason: Honey speaking as a doctor...
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Maggie: Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason. It's silent cake time.
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Jason: I'm just saying that you know as well as I do, the big "this s it" moment could come at any time.
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Maggie: Really. And how many babies have you had?
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Jason: I'm not going to push it. Going into work is stupid and ...enough said.
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Jason, the baby will not come... Oh I'm sorry pumpkin. No more talk about the new baby. Like we said, it's your day.
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Ben: Thank you.
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Jason: So come on. Make a wish. Blow out the candles.
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Ben: I got it.
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Carol: Have you guys really not decided on any names for the baby?
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Jason: Carol.
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Carol: What? What did I say?
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Mike: It was a lot worse than Heeeee.
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Ben: Mike!
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Jason: What is Heee?
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Mike: It's just a word dad, that apparently seems to be freaking Ben out. And you know what
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crap you guys have been with him lately.
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Jason: Now wait a minute...
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Carol: Mike. Why do you always have...?
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Jason: Your mother's having a baby, it's a big strain on the whole family.
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Everyone: (talking at the same time)
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Jason: You can't blame him for acting a little irrational.
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Ben: Man! Just what we need. A new Seaver.
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Maggie: Hold on here. This is it.
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Jason: This is what?
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Maggie: Jason.
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Jason: Are you sure?
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Maggie: I'm sure. Jason.
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Jason: Yes, well there's gas in the car. This is it, she said this it.
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Maggie: Wow. Another one.
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Carol: Oh my god. Sorry.
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Jason: Contractions are six minutes apart now. You're ok?
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Maggie: Uh hu.
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Jason: Maggie, did I ever tell you that back in medical school, you know I thought an awful lot about oscentrics and gynecology.
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Maggie: I bet you did.
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Carol: I still don't see how you two can be so calm. I mean mum, you are about to give birth. Perhaps the most painful, gross experience in the whole world.
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Maggie: Thank you. Carol.
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Jason: Your mum and I have the advantage of having gone through this a few times before, Carol.
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Carol: Yeah, but you were much much younger then. Sorry.
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Maggie: Carol, age has nothing to do with it. When you are prepared for a situation you can take anything in your stride.
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Mike: I'm ok. Don't worry about me. In fact, don't worry about anything. Mum, I got your suitcase here, and doctor Goodners phone number. Everything's set.
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Carol: Even Mike is calm. I think I'm going to be sick.
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Mike: And remember, if you need anything, I'm here. I'm not afraid of blood or guts or puss or anything.
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Maggie: Mike, you know what you could do? You could heat me some water.
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Mike: Water. Hot water? You mean the babies coming right now? Well, dad, you're a doctor. Can't you stop that thing?
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Maggie: Mike, I just want some tea.
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Mike: Tea. Oh. I can do that. Tea. Hey Ben. Mum is like ready to give birth in the living room. This is major stuff here. And to think, I used to think the gift of life was sea monkeys.
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Carol: I finally figured it out. I did. I know why mum and dad are acting like they're so calm. It's an act. A cover.
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Mike: Cover this.
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Carol: Oh, that's right Mike. Act like the insensitive lout that you are.
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Mike: Carol, if your voice gets any higher, only dogs will be able to hear you.
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Carol: Michael Seaver. I hope it's a girl. With every ounce of my being.
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Mike: Well, I don't stand a chance.
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Maggie: Oh Jason! This can't be happening now.
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Jason: Why not?
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Maggie: we still have to pick out names.
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Jason: Well you should have thought about that before you went into labor.
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Mike: Right, doctor Goodner knows we are on our way. Did you know she was a woman?
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Jason: Yes. Hurry, come on everyone. In my car. Come on.
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Mike: No, no. We can't go in your car. Your car's in the shop.
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Jason: What's it doing there?
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Mike: You told me to take it there.
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Jason: Oh that was last week mike.
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Mike: And you say I never listen.
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Jason: Alright, we'll take your mothers car. Let's go.
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Carol: But you hate driving her car.
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Jason: No, I don't.
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Maggie: Yes, you do.
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Jason: Yes I do, but it's just to the hospital.
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Maggie: I don't want to put you out.
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Mike: Look, we can take my car. Alright?
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Jason: Yeah, alright. Let's go.
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Mike: for once, if we are stopped for speeding, I can finally say...ah not that I ever get
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stopped for speeding.
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Jason: I'll drive mikes car.
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Carol: But we all won't fit in Mike's car.
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Maggie: T hen I'll drive my car too.
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Jason: Great!
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Maggie: Great.
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Jason: No!
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Maggie: No?
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Jason: No Maggie.
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Maggie: But I have to go. I'm the one that's...oh!
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Jason: Oh!
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Maggie: Ohhhhh!
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Everyone: Oh!
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Mike: Ok, we are starting to sound like a bunch of dads mental patients. Ok dad. You take mum in my car, and I'll take carol's car.
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Carol: I don't have a car.
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Mike: I meant id take you in mum's car.
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Jason: What about Ben?
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Mike: Ben can't drive.
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Carol: No, we almost forgot Ben.
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Ben: Almost?
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Jason: You take him in your car, because I'll be taking mums car, which is really...well is that your car...
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Maggie: Jason!
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Everyone: Ok.
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Carol: Come on Ben. We can't wait forever.
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Ben: I think I'll just stay. I was going to watch TV tonight anyway.
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Mike: Ben, you got to stop watching TV and start living your life.
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Ben: TV is my life.
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Jason: Excuse me. I'm Jason Seaver and my wife is a patient of doctor Goodners and she's going to have a baby.
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Nurse: No!
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Maggie: Is the doctor here yet.
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Nurse: Yeah, she's scrubbing up. Aren't you that Maggie Malone from the TV news?
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Maggie: Yes.
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Nurse: I see you all the time.
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Maggie: Thank you.
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Nurse: I didn't say I 矢ike you. I said I see you.
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Jason: Ok, can we just get on with the medical routine. We'll save the cystic enembral stuff for later.
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Nurse: Fine. See a person tries to friendly to someone and you see what happens. Now, before we take you off for prepping, Mrs. Malone.
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Maggie: Mrs. Seaver.
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Nurse: Oh, you are one of those. Anyway, this hospital has what is called a birthing room.
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Jason: Yes. My wife and I have told the kids all about it.
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Nurse: Sir. Can I please do my job? Now, this birthing room allows the whole family to be a part of, and witness to, the beauty of birth.
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Carol: Oooh!
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Nurse: Exactly.
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Maggie: Oh!
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Jason: Now this kid wants out.
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Nurse: Bernie, we got another customer. Let's roll.
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Carol: Alright, alright.
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Mike: Ok mum, you'll be fine.
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Carol: Have fun.
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Maggie: Thanks.
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Carol: Don't forget the suitcase.
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Mike: Don't worry dad. I'll stay here with nervous little Carol. Dad you forgot your camera.
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Voice: Doctor Johnson, call your broker.
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Carol: Watching a birth would be so fleshy.
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Mike: It's kind of like watching Alien in 3D.
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Carol: I thought you were staying here cos, cos someone has to stay here with nervous little Carol.
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Mike: Well if it will make you happier Carol, then I'll leave. And you can stay here with little Ben.
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Voice: Doctor Zeigler, call admissions.
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Mike: Alright carol, what did you do with Ben?
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Carol: Me?
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Mike: Me! Carol, this is no time to be thinking about yourself. Now, now was he in the elevator with us?
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Carol: I, I, I don't remember.
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Mike: I I I, what is it with you today?
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Carol: Alright, now why would Ben pick now, of all times, to run off?
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Mike: Well I don't know. Maybe he's upset because he thinks with the new baby; he thinks maybe we don't have time for him.
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Carol: Well that's silly. With the new baby, we don't have time for Ben's silliness.
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Mike: Carol, if you ever think about becoming a child counselor, don't.
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Carol: Look, do you want to stay here and insult me, or do you want to go look for Ben?
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Mike: Carol, what I want does not matter here. Ok? Now I'll check this floor and you go check the other eight.
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Carol: The other eight!
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Mike: Where have you been?
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Carol: I had eight floors to check. What have you been doing?
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Mike: Checking every nook and cranny on this floor. And you'll never believe what I saw this old lady doing in the supply room.
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Carol: Alright, now bens got to be some place obvious.
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Mike: No, I already checked. The cafeteria's not open at this hour.
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Well I guess we're just going to have to tell mum and dad that you've lost him.
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Carol: I lost him!
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Mike: Good, you admit it.
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Carol: We can't tell them anything now.
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Mike: Are you out of your mind? One of their children is missing.
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Carol: Oh come on Mike. Don't you think that they are a little busy?
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Mike: With what? Oh!
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Voice: Doctor Waller, report to OR.
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Ben: You guys think you are so cute.
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Doctor: Kid, kid. You don't belong here.
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Ben: It's official.
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Maggie: Ah, shut up Jason!
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Doctor: You are doing just fine Maggie. It won't be long now. E矢ght centimeters dilated.
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Jason: Thank you doctor.
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Doctor: You are welcome doctor.
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Jason: Oh! Come on Maggie, you can do it.
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Maggie: You can do it! That's supposed to make me feel better? You call yourself a coach?
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Jason: That's good Maggie. You take your mind off your pain.
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Maggie: Take my mind off my pain. Ok. Do you know how annoying it is to be married to someone with your toilet habits?
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Jason: No. What?
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Maggie: You always leave the damn seat up in the damn bathroom. You'd think that after all this time, you'd get it through your thick scull that I don't enjoy sitting down in water.
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Maggie and Jason: (making noises)
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Doctor: He leaves the seat up. That's what did it in my first marriage. Does he leave half a sheet on the roll without replacing it?
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Maggie: Constantly.
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Doctor: Men can be such babies.
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Jason: Speaking of babies, can we just get on with this one? Thank you.
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Carol: It's ok Mike. We got the right room this time.
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Jason: Hi kids. Come on in. Where's Ben?
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Mike: Ben. Ah, I mean Ben.
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Carol: We're certainly not here looking for him.
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Jason: Where is he?
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Carol: The waiting room.
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Mike: The cafeteria.
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Mike: The waiting room.
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Carol: The cafeteria.
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Mike: He's waiting in the cafeteria.
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Jason: A little squeamish about coming in hu?
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Mike: Yeah. We got to tare this place apart until we find him.
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Carol: I know.
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Jason: You just go tell him it's not so scary being in here.
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Mike: I've being trying to tell you for the last hour Carol.
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Maggie and Jason: (making birth noises)
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Voice: Doctor Sullivan calls your wife.
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Patient: Damn. Yo pal. Can you fetch that for me? I don't bend over so good.
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Ben: Uh yeah.
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Patient: Thanks, I owe you.
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Ben: Can you smoke in a hospital?
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Patient: Are you a doctor?
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Ben: No.
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Patient: A nurse?
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Ben: No.
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Patient: An orderly?
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Ben: No.
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Patient: I can smoke in a hospital. So who the hell are you?
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Ben: Ben Seaver.
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Patient: Ben Seaver! The Ben Seaver?
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Ben: You've heard of me?
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Patient: No. So Ben Seaver, what are you doing here?
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Ben: Nothing.
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Patient: Ah good. If you come in we can chew the fat.
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Ben: Fat! I lost ten pounds.
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Patient: I mean talk, jaw, chat. Get down. Come in. Nice place hu? Oh, by the way, I'm Chris long shot Gaynee. You can call me Chris.
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Ben: Ok.
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Patient: So, let me guess, you wander hospitals for a living?
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Ben: No.
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Patient: You're not much of a conversationalist, are you？You got some problems?
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Ben: I don't know.
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Patient: Oh come on. You're the first person I've seen around here without a needle in his hand. Maybe I can help you out with your problem. It would make me feel better. You know I love to have guys tell me their problems. That's what I do for a living.
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Ben: My dad does the same thing.
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Patient: No kidding. He's a bar tender too?
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Mike: I don't know what that must have been. I must have inhaled some of the anesthesia or something.
228
00:13:22,482 --> 00:13:24,487
Jason: Yeah.
229
00:13:24,487 --> 00:13:27,491
Carol: Probably your socks.
230
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Jason: Now I just want you to take it easy for a while. OK?
231
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Maggie: Excuse me Jason, there is another patient here.
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Jason: Oh yes, yes. This is my special patient. My one and only patient.
233
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Carol: You're not going to wimp out of helping me look for Ben, are you?
234
00:13:43,511 --> 00:13:47,524
Mike: Carol, I am just as concerned as you are about the little pus bucket. Alright?
235
00:13:47,524 --> 00:13:52,531
Ben: You know Chris, I didn't even get to open my presents. They didn't even sing to me.
236
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:57,531
Patient: Oh, Bennie, Bennie, Bennie. Pull yourself together.
237
00:13:57,531 --> 00:13:58,536
Ben: Hit me again.
238
00:13:58,536 --> 00:13:59,538
Patient: You're not driving, are you?
239
00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:00,542
Ben: Hu?
240
00:14:00,542 --> 00:14:03,546
Patient: Bar tender joke.
241
00:14:03,546 --> 00:14:09,551
Ben: I don't get it Chris. I just don't get it. I mean I figured it would be alright with this new kid coming, but he's crowding me already.
242
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Patient: And he's not even born yet.
243
00:14:11,549 --> 00:14:18,560
Ben: Right! I mean I've been the youngest Seaver my whole life. Before that, I was nothing. Now with this new kid coming, what am I now...nothing.
244
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Patient: Nothing! Come on Bennie, you're getting carried away. That's not the milk talking is it?
245
00:14:25,570 --> 00:14:34,582
Ben: I got to just face it. I'm being replaced. You wouldn't have any cookies to go with this would you?
246
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,586
Patient: If they catch me with these, they are going to give me a physic.
247
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Ben: What's a physic?
248
00:14:38,596 --> 00:15:38,675
Patient: You don't want to know, eat the cookies. Now look, Bennie pal. Since you and me go back a long way, I'm going to tell you something I don't tell everybody. You know in all my years as a bar tender, I've seen a lot of things. Youth, age, birth, and everything else. And the biggest lesson I've learned is, well, all those old clichés are true. Time does heel all wounds. Life does go on. Twelve year olds do not listen to you. Now look, cos I didn't now it was your birthday, I didn't have time to wrap your present. But take it anyway hu? It's a little advice from an old man. You know, I'll tell you, I've been a lot of things; a bar tender, a veteran, a cowanian, or is it a Rotarian, I can never get that right. Also, I've, I've also been a husband, a father, a son. But you know the thing I enjoyed being best? A big brother.
249
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Ben: Big brother.
250
00:15:39,682 --> 00:15:42,682
Patient: You got a big brother? What do you think of him?
251
00:15:42,682 --> 00:15:46,689
Ben: Oh he's the best. He treats me like a doofus, but he's the greatest guy I know.
252
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Patient: Now think about how nice it will be to have someone around who thinks that same way about you. I mean, even if you did treat him like a goofus.
253
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Ben: Doofus.
254
00:15:54,700 --> 00:16:08,722
Patient: Whatever. Ben Seaver, you are a lucky man. You are not being replaced. You're being added on to. Hey pal, this is not a gift you are going to get every birthday. From now on, you are going to be Big Brother Ben.
255
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Ben: Big Brother Ben?
256
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:32,755
Patient: Another thing I've learned as a bartended is that if you can't solve a guys problem, try and help him forget it. So as a result of that I happen to have a top shelf of top shelf jokes. Guaranteed to crack the sourest pus into hysterical laughter. You're ready? What's got four legs, a tail, and barks?
257
00:16:32,755 --> 00:16:33,753
Ben: A dog.
258
00:16:33,753 --> 00:16:37,761
Patient: You heard it.
259
00:16:37,761 --> 00:16:38,764
Jason: Push Maggie. Push.
260
00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:41,766
Doctor: I can see the head.
261
00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:43,765
Maggie: Oh Jason, I'm never going through this again.
262
00:16:43,765 --> 00:16:50,774
Jason: Oh that's what you said after Mike. Push. And Carol. Push. Oh and Ben.
263
00:16:50,774 --> 00:16:51,781
Doctor: Well done.
264
00:16:51,781 --> 00:16:55,781
Maggie: Oh Jason, this is not something that a forty year old woman should do.
265
00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:57,786
Doctor: You want a boy, or you want a girl?
266
00:16:57,786 --> 00:17:02,791
Jason: What have you got?
267
00:17:02,791 --> 00:17:05,801
Patient: Alright, I give up. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
268
00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:07,801
Ben: An elephino.
269
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:20,817
Patient: I got it, I got it. Here, shuffle these will you. Now listen. I probably shouldn't tell you this one, but, the prettiest girl you ever saw walks into a bar dressed like a fish.
270
00:17:20,817 --> 00:17:23,823
Ben: My fins, I thought they were your fins.
271
00:17:23,823 --> 00:17:27,829
Patient: You know it. Well that's a pretty racy joke.
272
00:17:27,829 --> 00:17:30,830
Ben: I know. My big brother told it to me.
273
00:17:30,830 --> 00:17:37,845
Patient: Well that's enough of corrupting the morals of a minor. Let's get back to gambling. Alright, you ready?
274
00:17:37,845 --> 00:17:38,844
Ben: Ready.
275
00:17:38,844 --> 00:17:38,851
Patient: Got any sevens?
276
00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:45,861
Ben: Go fish. You know Chris, smoking those things is bad for ya.
277
00:17:45,861 --> 00:17:51,864
Patient: Ah, it's alright Bennie. These cigars won't hurt me. Nothing will.
278
00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:54,865
Ben: So, are you getting out of here real soon.
279
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:55,872
Patient: Yeah. Soon.
280
00:17:55,872 --> 00:18:02,884
Ben: Great, cos maybe you can come visit me then. Chris?
281
00:18:02,884 --> 00:18:08,892
Patient: Your turn, your turn.
282
00:18:08,892 --> 00:18:10,893
Mike: Hey Ben. What the heck have you been doing?
283
00:18:10,893 --> 00:18:13,895
Ben: Gambling and telling dirty jokes.
284
00:18:13,895 --> 00:18:15,897
Carol: Ben, we've been looking all over for you.
285
00:18:15,897 --> 00:18:16,901
Ben: I didn't know.
286
00:18:16,901 --> 00:18:18,900
Mike: Yeah, I hope my stupid brother hasn't been bothering you.
287
00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:21,910
Patient: Oh, he's been a real pain in the neck.
288
00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:25,908
Mike: Come on Ben. The new babies here. Let's go.
289
00:18:25,908 --> 00:18:31,921
Patient: That's your big brother? He seems like a neat guy. What do you think you got. A new brother or a new sister?
290
00:18:31,921 --> 00:18:32,924
Ben: I don't care.
291
00:18:32,924 --> 00:18:42,938
Patient: Hey, I don't believe that. Now you go on down and find out what it is. Go go.
292
00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:45,943
Ben: Bye Chris.
293
00:18:45,943 --> 00:18:57,955
Patient: So long pal.
294
00:18:57,955 --> 00:19:04,966
Maggie: Oh Jason, she's beautiful.
295
00:19:04,966 --> 00:19:09,973
Jason: Just like her mother. Oh Maggie, you did it.
296
00:19:09,973 --> 00:19:14,981
Maggie: We did it. And sweetheart, I'm so sorry for all my yelling at you.
297
00:19:14,981 --> 00:19:16,981
Jason: What yelling?
298
00:19:16,981 --> 00:19:23,995
Maggie: I want you to know that I love being married to you and you can leave the toilet seat up until we are old and grey.
299
00:19:23,995 --> 00:19:33,004
Jason: Honey, that's the most romantic thing you have ever said to me.
300
00:19:33,004 --> 00:19:35,015
Hello, come say hello to your new baby sister.
301
00:19:35,015 --> 00:19:37,009
Carol: Sister.
302
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:41,020
Mike: It's a girl? You mean I went through all that for another girl?
303
00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:44,019
Carol: Oh, she's a little angel.
304
00:19:44,019 --> 00:19:46,024
Mike: Are you sure it's a girl?
305
00:19:46,024 --> 00:19:47,030
Jason: Yeah. Pretty sure.
306
00:19:47,030 --> 00:19:59,042
Carol: Can I hold her? Now it's finally even. Mike, do you want to hold her?
307
00:19:59,042 --> 00:20:03,051
Mike: No, I might break her or something.
308
00:20:03,051 --> 00:20:05,051
Carol: Weenie.
309
00:20:05,051 --> 00:20:06,058
Ben: Major weenie.
310
00:20:06,058 --> 00:20:20,073
Mike: Alright I'll hold her. Wow, she weighs less than a bowling ball. I was never this small.
311
00:20:20,073 --> 00:20:22,075
Maggie: Oh you were.
312
00:20:22,075 --> 00:20:30,092
Mike: A whole new Seaver. I guess that makes six of us now. Well I'm...
313
00:20:30,092 --> 00:20:33,090
Jason: Growing up?
314
00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:37,098
Mike: Yeah. Never thought I'd be this...alergic.
315
00:20:37,098 --> 00:20:41,103
Jason: Well there are some things in life that no amount of planning can ever make you ready for.
316
00:20:41,103 --> 00:20:46,108
Maggie: And holding a new born baby is probably the best one in the whole world.
317
00:20:46,108 --> 00:20:51,113
Mike: Hey Ben, you want to hold her?
318
00:20:51,113 --> 00:20:52,124
Jason: You're big brother Ben now.
319
00:20:52,124 --> 00:20:56,128
Ben: Big brother Ben.
320
00:20:56,128 --> 00:20:59,127
Jason: So what do you think?
321
00:20:59,127 --> 00:21:03,131
Ben: I think she's cool.
322
00:21:03,131 --> 00:21:04,135
Jason: She's cool.
323
00:21:04,135 --> 00:21:07,144
Maggie: Look Jason, we can't hold off naming her 矢ny longer now.
324
00:21:07,144 --> 00:21:15,153
Jason: Yeah, I know I know. Well let's tell the kids the name we agreed on. Urma.
325
00:21:15,153 --> 00:21:19,157
Maggie: I never agreed to Urma. I agreed to Sophie.
326
00:21:19,157 --> 00:21:20,160
Jason: Sophie.
327
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:26,171
Mike: Hey, hey, how do you feel about Appleonia?
328
00:21:26,171 --> 00:21:30,169
Ben: Chris. It's go to be Chris.
329
00:21:30,169 --> 00:21:32,180
Maggie: Chris. I like that name.
330
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:36,185
Jason: Yeah, I like that name too. Where did you come up with that Ben?
331
00:21:36,185 --> 00:21:41,185
Ben: It's the name of a guy I know. A friend.
332
00:21:41,185 --> 00:21:42,194
Carol: Chris Seaver.
333
00:21:42,194 --> 00:21:45,199
Jason: Chris Seaver.
334
00:21:45,199 --> 00:21:48,195
Maggie: Christine Seaver.
335
00:21:48,195 --> 00:21:51,205
Mike: Sounds like a name.
336
00:21:51,205 --> 00:21:57,207
Ben: I'm going to be a good big brother Chris. You'll see. I don't even mind sharing my
337
00:21:57,207 --> 00:21:59,215
birthday with you.
338
00:21:59,215 --> 00:22:06,228
Jason: Christine Seaver, eight pounds four ounces. Born twelve o three am.
339
00:22:06,228 --> 00:22:13,230
Ben: Twelve o three? You mean its tomorrow? The day after my birthday?
340
00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:14,239
Jason: Well that's one way of looking at it.
341
00:22:14,239 --> 00:22:16,243
Ben: Alright!
342
00:22:16,243 --> 00:22:25,255
Jason: Hey, I almost forgot. Congratulations Mr. Seaver. Have a cigar.
343
00:22:25,255 --> 00:30:04,896
Ben: Happy Birthday Chris.
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