Original subtitles

[ rain pattering, thunder rumbling ]

[ buzzes ]

Woman: Hello.

BETH, HEY.

CAN YOU LET ME UP? I--

I'M LOCKED OUT OF MY APARTMENT

AND I LOST MY WALLET AND MY KEYS AND...

NO, YOU CAN'T COME UP RIGHT NOW.

IS SOMEONE UP THERE WITH YOU?

NO.

IS IT HIM?

LOOK, BETH, I--

I'M LOCKED OUT

AND I'VE HAD THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE AND I--

LOOK, IF YOU HELP ME, I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE,

OKAY? BOTH OF YOU.

I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU, TOMMY.

I DO.

♪ LATELY

♪ I DON'T THINK OF YOU AT ALL ♪

♪ OR WONDER WHAT YOU'RE UP TO ♪

♪ OR HOW YOU'RE GETTING ON ♪

♪ I NEVER THINK OF CALLING YOU... ♪

Tommy: HAVE YOU EVER YOU TRUSTED COMPLETELY,

JUST HAD YOUR LITTLE HEART TORN OUT

AND SHOVED DOWN YOUR THROAT?

TRUST ME,

IT'S NOT NEARLY AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS.

[ song continues ] ♪ ...I DON'T NEED YOU

♪ ANYMORE

♪ LIVING ALONE, LIVING ALONE... ♪

Tommy: I HATE TO ADMIT IT,

BUT I WAS TOTALLY BLINDSIDED BY THE WHOLE THING.

AND I DEAL WITH THE BEST EVERY DAY.HE WORLD

I'VE SHORTED ANOTHER $100,000.

THAT'S RIGHT. EVERY SALE'S A GOOD ONE.

TAKE THAT SPRINT OFF GO THROUGH THIS PHONE'M GONNA

AND BITE YOUR FUCKING EYES OFF. OKAY, TALK TO YOU LATER.

...IS OFF 30%. THE TOP LINE IS FLAT.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU OWN THIS DODGY STOCK.

DON'T WORRY, DON'T WORRY. YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.

HALF A MILLION JOHNNY-JOHN TO TRAVEL. WHO'S IN?

THE GIRL IS A-FUCKING-MAZING.

IS ANYBODY GONNA ON THE CISCO, PLEASE?

MAKE SOME CALLS.

YEAH, JUST HOLD FOR ME. HEY, YOU'RE DOWN FOR 50,000.

JEN WILL CALL YOU WITH THE REPORT.

- DID YOU GET THAT 50,000? - CALLING THEM NOW.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

MY WHOLE SYSTEM JUST CRASHED AGAIN.

WHERE IS ICEMAN?

YOU SENT HIM OUT FOR COFFEE.

HEY, SHAKES, AM I FILLING THAT MICROSOFT YET OR--?

- I'M WORKING IT, MATE. - WHERE THE FUCK IS MY LATTE?

PROBABLY STILL WITH ICEMAN. MICROSOFT.E, IT'S FUCKING

- JUST PUT IT UP. - OKAY.

BOBBY, STAY WITH ME. HE'S WORKING IT.

WHAT IS THE POINT COMPUTER NERDARMY GEEK

IF HE IS NEVER FUCKING HERE?

A PRINCETON DIPLOMA

AND THREE YEARS PUT TO GOOD USE.

THANK YOU, DANIEL.

THAT'S 63 CENTS CHANGE.

LISTEN, DANIEL, MY COMPUTER HAS CRASHED AGAIN.

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING A LOOK WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE?

WELL, DID YOU CHECK AND SEE

IF YOU JUST KICKED OUT THE PLUG AGAIN?

IT WAS KIND OF ACTING UP BEFORE THAT THOUGH.

THANKS, SOLDIER.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I FIRST STARTED

HE USED TO SEND ME TO McDONALD'S EVERY DAY--

A DOUBLE QUARTER-POUNDER WITH CHEESE, HOLD THE PICKLES.

DOESN'T REALLY BOTHER ME THAT MUCH.

YOU WON'T BE HERE IN A YEAR

IF YOU KEEP ON SERVING COFFEE TO THAT PRICK.

WELL, I LIKE WORKING WITH COMPUTERS,

BUT TO BE HONEST, THE STUFF I'M DOING HERE--

I'D RATHER DO WHAT YOU DO AT SOME POINT.

Beth: "THIS IS THE SADDEST STORY I HAVE EVER HEARD"--

THUS BEGINS THE CLASSIC NOVEL "THE GOOD SOLDIER"

AND ONE OF THE MOST MEMORABLE FIRST LINES IN MODERN FICTION.

[ snores ]

WOW, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT AS FUN AS DATE RAPE.

NO KIDDING. I VOTE FOR "LOLITA."

THEN IT'S SEX WITH MINORS BY A LANDSLIDE.

CAN WE READ "THE GOOD SOLDIER" NEXT THOUGH?

CAN WE READ SOMETHING WITH A HAPPY ENDING?

THIS IS NEW YORK CITY. THE ONLY HAPPY ENDINGS ARE IN CHINATOWN.

- NO OFFENSE. - NONE TAKEN. I'M KOREAN.

ARE YOU REALLY?

NO. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

- HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, TOMMY. - YOU TOO, IRV.

- TAXI? - DONNY, YES, PLEASE.

Tommy: FOR ALL THE EXCITEMENT AND GLAMOUR,

LIFE IN THE BIG CITY DOES HAVE ITS DOWNSIDE.

I MEAN, IF YOU THOUGHT

WALL STREET WAS FULL OF BULLSHITTERS,

YOU SHOULD TRY HAVING A RELATIONSHIP HERE.

AND MAYBE IT'S LIKE THIS EVERYWHERE NOWADAYS,

BUT IT JUST FEELS LIKE A WAR ZONE HERE SOMETIMES.

I KNOW EVERYONE HAS SOME KIND OF A HISTORY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A SAINT.

I GUESS I JUST HOPED THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT WITH BETH.

YOU'VE BEEN DATING FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T HAD SEX?

YOU AND RICH WAITED ABOUT TWO HOURS.

MAYBE YOUR FIRST TIME WITH HIM COULD BE IN ITALY.

YOU NEVER KNOW.

- AW, THAT WOULD BE LOVELY. - CHEESY.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF RICH LEFT HIS WIFE?

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

OH, HEY.

NO, WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT SHOPPING.

- OH, I'M SURE YOU WERE. - YEAH.

YOU KNOW JORDAN. THIS IS LISA, SUSAN AND JILL.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

WOULD YOU GUYS LIKE TO GRAB A DRINK WITH US-- MY TREAT?

OH, THANKS, BUT WE'RE MEETING MY BOYFRIEND BILL AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS.

- FROM FACEBOOK. - BYE.

- HE'S ADORABLE. - HE'S HOT. IF YOU DON'T DO HIM, I WILL.

- BYE, TOMMY. NICE TO MEET YOU. - HAVE FUN.

WHAT WAS SHE WHISPERING TO YOU?

MAYBE I'LL TELL YOU IN ITALY.

DO YOU THINK IT MEANS SOMETHING THAT WE'RE BOTH LEFT-HANDED?

WE'D ONLY NEED ONE PAIR OF SCISSORS

IF WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.

ISN'T IT A LITTLE EARLY TO BE TALKING

ABOUT SHARING SCISSORS?

DOES IT BOTHER YOU

THAT I'M NOT DOING

ANYTHING AMAZING WITH MY LIFE?

THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T WANT TO END UP LIKE MY BOSS CASH--

YOU KNOW, ALMOST 50 AND NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT

BUT A BAD MARRIAGE AND AN AWESOME SET OF GOLF CLUBS.

YEAH. MY BOSS IS 42

AND SHE'S NEVER BEEN MARRIED OR ANYTHING.

I DON'T THINK SHE'S EVER EVEN BEEN IN LOVE.

HAVE YOU?

I THOUGHT SO.

BUT I THINK THAT WHEN SOMEBODY TURNS OUT TO BE

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU THOUGHT,

IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT.

WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR LAST GIRLFRIEND?

CHRISTIE--

JUST WASN'T RIGHT.

[ phone ringing ]

YOU WANT TO GET THAT?

[ chuckles ]

YEAH, NO.

I THOUGHT HE STOPPED CALLING.

HE DID.

HE STARTED AGAIN.

WE ALL HAVE A PAST, BETH.

IT'S HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH THE PEOPLE IN THE BATTERY PARK DIG.

THEY UNCOVERED AN OLD WALL THAT I THINK COULD BE

FROM THE ORIGINAL DUTCH SETTLEMENT HERE.

OH MY GOD, THAT'S AMAZING.

WELL, THEY'RE NOT GONNA SEE IT THAT WAY ONCE THEY REALIZE

IT'S GONNA SET THEIR CONSTRUCTION BACK A FEW MONTHS WHILE WE EXCAVATE.

OH, AND BETH, THIS COULD BE SOMETHING

WORTH PRESENTING IN FLORENCE.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, ROBERT?

- I'M HERE FOR YOU. - Tommy: THIS GUY'S KILLING ME.

GOD, I LOVE THE MUTE BUTTON.

THERE ARE FIVE OTHER CALLS I CAN MAKE HERE, TOMMY. YOU GOTTA RELEASE ME.

I UNDERSTAND THAT, BOBBY. JUST GIVE ME ONE SECOND, OKAY?

HEY, SHAKES, THIS GUY'S A REALLY GOOD CLIENT.

YOU CAN'T JUST PUT THIS UP FOR ME?

I DON'T CARE IF HE'S THE FUCKING POPE.

- HOW DO I KNOW HE'S NOT GONNA FUCK ME OVER? - I'M HANGING UP, TOMMY.

OKAY, ONE CALL. THEN YOU CAN GO

AND LET EVERY OTHER LOSER ON WALL STREET FUCK THIS UP FOR YOU, OKAY?

FINE, BUT KEEP ME ON THE WIRE AND DON'T FUCKING MUTE ME.

OKAY. BAKER, DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU HAD A BIG SELLER THE OTHER DAY?

YEAH, PACIFIC. WE'RE STILL IN THE PENALTY BOX WITH THEM.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE THEM TO ME.

PAGE FIVE.

[ clears throat ]

Man: You know you guys are still cut off, right?

HEY, THIS IS ACTUALLY TOM FIELDING. I RUN THE SALES DESK OVER HERE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, TOM? JOHN CALDWELL.

I WAS CALLING JUST TO ASK YOU A YES-OR-NO QUESTION. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

Fine.

ARE YOU POTENTIALLY INTERESTED

IN TRADING MICROSOFT TODAY? YES OR NO.

POTENTIALLY, BUT NOT WITH YOU, GUYS.

BOBBY, THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN.

NOW, JUST F.Y.I., I HAVE A GUY

LOOKING FOR A PRETTY GOOD CHUNK, MAYBE HALF A MIL.

- Does that interest you? - POTENTIALLY, SURE.

UNFORTUNATELY, JOHN, I DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY OF A LOT OF TIME HERE.

MY GUY'S REAL. HE'S ON THE PHONE

for one call, and that's you.

HALF A MIL ON THE WIRE,

last print. In or out?

PUT IT UP.

GREAT, NOW THIS IS JUST ME ASKING--

WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO GO LARGER?

HEY, HALF A MIL, TRYING TO GO BIGGER.

ARE YOU TRYING TO FRONT-RUN ME?

No, you just gotta trust me just a little bit, okay, John?

- $2 MILLION. - COULD GO TO $2 MILLION HERE.

NO, BOBBY, IT'S NOT BILL GATES ON THE LINE.

He's a mutual fund guy just like you.

WELL, HE'S GOT A LOT MORE HAIR AND HE'S A LITTLE BETTER-LOOKING.

FINE, MAKE IT READ TWO.

OKAY, IS $2 MILLION YOUR TOTAL PICTURE?

WHY? IS HE TRYING TO MOVE MORE?

COME ON, WHAT'S HE SAYING? ARE WE DONE HERE? LET'S GO.

IS HE TRYING TO MOVE MORE?

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, I'M ON THE PHONE WITH BOTH OF YOU RIGHT NOW.

I THINK THIS TICKET READS $5 MILLION AND WE ALL WALK AWAY.

- WOULD THAT BE ON A CLEANUP? - I KNEW HE HAD MORE BEHIND THAT.

YOU'RE A GENIUS. SERIOUSLY, BOBBY, IS THIS CLEANUP FOR YOU? NO BULLSHIT.

$5 MILLION-- I GO HOME AND FUCK MY POLISH HOUSEKEEPER TWICE.

- IT'S A CLEANUP, JOHN. - OKAY, FINE.

PUT IT UP. BUT, OH, TOM?

YOU'LL STILL BE IN THE BOX FOR A WEEK, THOUGH.

CROSSING $5 MILLION CLEAN.

SEE HOW FAR A LITTLE TRUST CAN GET YOU?

[ kisses ]

Radio announcer: Another record down day

on Wall Street today with all major indices...

THE BARGELLO AND ACCADEMIA ARE GREAT, BUT SKIP THE UFFIZI.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE BOTICELLIS AND MICHELANGELO'S ONLY OIL PANTING?

THERE'S A REASON HE STOPPED AFTER ONE. IT'S JUST FOR TOURISTS.

I AM A TOURIST.

HI.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?

FUNDING CONSTRAINTS. THE AGENCY CUT ALL INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL.

SO WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE

HEAD OF URBAN CONSERVATION?

YOU'RE QUITTING?

NOT HERE-- IN SAN FRANCISCO.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, WHERE WERE YOU?

I'M SORRY, I JUST CHANGED NOW. I'M ON THE WAY. ARE YOU STILL UP?

IT'S 10:00. WHAT HAPPENED?

IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO ONE MORE HEDGE FUND DOUCHEBAG

TALK TO ME ABOUT PRIVATE JET TIMESHARES,

I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE.

Yeah, well, my trip got canceled today.

Grab your stuff and meet me downstairs.

- HUH? - GRAB YOUR STUFF.

- WHERE ARE WE GOING? - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT, STEP OUT.

AND ONE BIG STEP UP.

RIGHT THERE. I'M GONNA TAKE THIS OFF FOR YOU,

BUT YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED, OKAY?

ARE YOU SURE WE'RE STILL IN THE CITY?

YEAH, JUST-- JUST--

[ chuckles ] HERE WE GO.

EYES CLOSED.

I'M KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU.

[ knocks ]

- NO PEEKING. - I'M NOT.

- I SAW THAT. - WHAT?

IF YOU PEEK AGAIN, I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.

- KEEP THEM CLOSED. - OKAY.

ALMOST THERE. ALL RIGHT, TURN THIS WAY.

NOW OPEN YOUR EYES.

OH MY GOD. WHERE ARE WE?

IT'S AS CLOSE TO TUSCANY AS I COULD GET IN MANHATTAN.

COME ON, COME ON. THIS WAY.

IT GETS BETTER.

- COME ON. - THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

HOW DID YOU FIND THIS PLACE?

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA KEEP SOME SURPRISES.

I'M SORRY YOUR TRIP GOT CANCELED.

THANK YOU.

ONE MORE SURPRISE.

MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?

YES.

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN WALKING ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THINKING

♪ I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT YOU ♪

♪ SIDEWAYS...

WAIT.

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

WHO SLEEPS WITH A LOT OF GUYS.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO SLEEP WITH A LOT OF GUYS.

[ laughs ]

RIGHT.

I'LL DO IT.

THE OTHER WAY.

SORRY.

OKAY.

YEAH, FRANK, YOU ARE ALL DONE FOR THE DAY.

NO, THANK YOU.

THAT IS 100,000 C.R.M. TO WILLIAMS FOR THE DAY.

AND, SHAKESPEARE, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW HANDSOME YOU ARE?

SOMEBODY'S IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY.

- TOM. - YEAH?

DO YOU HAVE A SECOND?

SO WHAT'S UP?

I GOT AN OFFER FROM ANOTHER FIRM--

ABOUT TWICE WHAT I'M MAKING HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I MEAN, I'D HATE TO LOSE YOU, BUT IF I GO TO CASH WITH THIS,

ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW, THE WAY THINGS ARE,

HE MIGHT AGREE TO A LITTLE KISS, BUT DOUBLE-- NO WAY.

I KNOW. I FIGURED.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

YOU GOTTA DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU.

ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT TAKING IT?

YOU ALREADY DID.

WELL, MAN, WHAT CAN I SAY? IT'S BEEN A GREAT RUN.

IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH TO REPLACE YOU.

I LIKE THAT A LOT.

LISTEN, I GOTTA GO, OKAY?

NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.

NO, YOU HANG UP.

A 21-YEAR-OLD PHYSICAL THERAPIST.

$1000 A MONTH FOR A STUDIO ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE--

- A HOME RUN. - SOUNDS LIKE IT.

YOU GOTTA SEE HER. SHE'S SO FUCKING HOT.

YOU SHOULD INVITE HER TO YOUR PLACE FOR THE MID-YEAR DINNER.

YEAH, SHE CAN SIT RIGHT NEXT TO MY WIFE. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

WHO ARE YOU BRINGING, HOT SHOT?

IS THAT CHRISTIE GIRL STILL IN THE PICTURE?

NO, BETH. YOU MET HER AT THE GOLF EVENT.

OH, YEAH. THAT BRUNETTE WHO WOULDN'T FUCK YOU.

LISTEN, CAN I JUST TALK TO YOU OFF THE DESK JUST FOR A SECOND?

SO SHE DID FUCK YOU.

HOW LONG WAS THAT? WHAT, TWO MONTHS OR SOMETHING?

- JESUS, THAT GIRL WAS YOUR SEXUAL VIETNAM. - I'M NOT SAYING A WORD.

AND SO YOU JUST LET HIM WALK OUT?

HE WAS YOUR TOP GUY FOR TWO YEARS.

HE ALREADY TOOK THE JOB. I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A SCENE.

WELL, THERE'S GONNA BE A BIG FUCKING SCENE TOMORROW

WHEN 20 OF OUR BIGGEST ACCOUNTS CALL AND NO ONE'S ANSWERING THE FUCKING PHONE.

- WE'LL HIRE SOMEONE ELSE. - THAT WILL TAKE WEEKS.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU LET ME TALK TO HIM?

I COULD CONVINCE THAT FUCKING COCKSUCKER TO STAY.

THEY GUARANTEED HIM $2 MILLION A YEAR FOR TWO YEARS, PLUS UPSIDE.

HOW MUCH ARE WE PAYING HIM?

750 THIS YEAR, A BUCK TOPS.

YEAH, OKAY, WE WERE TOO LOW.

WELL, MR. HEAD OF SALES, WHAT'S YOUR CONTINGENCY PLAN?

I'M SURE YOU HAVE ONE.

I THINK DANIEL CAN STEP UP.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

THAT GUY COULDN'T SELL A VAGINA ON A PIRATE SHIP.

HE'S SMART. HE'S HONEST.

HE'S TOO FUCKING HONEST. HE'S A FUCKING RETARDED BOY SCOUT.

AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT SHAKESPEARE.

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID-- - TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY,

TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY.

WHY ARE GUYS LIKE US GOOD AT OUR JOB?

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE US. WE TAKE THEM OUT. THEY HAVE A GOOD TIME.

THEY MIGHT EVEN MEET A REAL LIVE GIRL.

DANIEL IS A LOVELY FELLOW. HE'S AS MUCH FUN AS CHLAMYDIA.

I'M TELLING YOU THIS WILL WORK.

LET ME REMIND YOU OF THE VALUE WE PLACE

ON HUMAN CAPITAL HERE AT MORGAN BROTHERS.

- YOUR FUTURE-- - I UNDERSTAND.

YOUR FUTURE DEPENDS ON THE DEPTH AND THE QUALITY

OF THE TEAM THAT YOU BUILD.

NOW IN LIGHT OF THAT,

I'LL ASK YOU ONCE--

IS DANIEL YOUR GUY?

YES.

GREAT.

Steve-O: I'M TELLING YOU, THIS CHICK I'M BANGING IN H.R. TOLD ME

HE WAS DISCHARGED EARLY FROM THE AIR FORCE

AND THEY SEALED HIS FILE.

- YES! - HEY.

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS WE NEED SOMEONE TO FILL BAKER'S SPOT IMMEDIATELY.

AND IF WE LET CASH PICK ONE OF HIS GUYS,

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE WATCHING OUR ASSES.

I'M JUST NOT BUYING THIS NICE GUY ACT, ALL RIGHT?

NOBODY JOINS THE MILITARY, MUCH LESS WALL STREET,

WITHOUT HAVING, YOU KNOW, SOME KIND OF A DARK SIDE.

YOU'RE RIGHT. WALL STREET IS NO PLACE FOR AN AMBITIOUS WHITE MALE.

OF QUESTIONABLE INTEGRITY.

WELL, I THINK IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU DO, STEPHENS.

FINALLY SOMEONE ON THE DESK THAT GETS LESS ASS THAN YOU.

ALL RIGHT, THAT SETTLES IT.

I'M LEAVING MY WIFE OF 10 YEARS

AND I'M MOVING IN ON STEVE-O'S COUCH.

WHO SAID YOU COULD HAVE MY COUCH?

DID YOU SAY 10 YEARS? WHAT, DID YOU GET MARRIED WHEN YOU WERE, LIKE, 24?

YEAH, I MET HER WHEN I WAS 22. I GOT MARRIED AT 24.

- CHRIST, THAT MUST BITE. - NO, IT'S JUST DIFFERENT.

I'M SURE I'LL BE THERE SOON ENOUGH.

- SORRY I'M LATE. - HEY.

WE'RE DOING THIS WHOLE SYSTEM UPGRADE

AND WE CAN ONLY RESET THE SERVERS AFTER YOU GUYS LEAVE.

PLUS THE NEW SOFTWARE ROLLOUT IS JUST TAKING FOREVER.

RIGHT, DANIEL, YOU KNOW CHRIS BAKER IS NO LONGER WITH THE FIRM, RIGHT?

YEAH, I HEARD.

THAT SUCKS.

YEAH, IT DOES.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN TALKING AND WE THOUGHT

THAT YOU'D BE THE RIGHT GUY TO STEP INTO HIS SPOT,

STARTING IMMEDIATELY.

- WOW. - YEAH, WOW.

HE'S GOT A LOT OF BIG ACCOUNTS THOUGH.

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL SPLIT THEM UP.

THIS IS A BIT OF A SINK-OR-SWIM BUSINESS, MATE.

OPPORTUNITIES LIKE THIS-- THEY DON'T COME KNOCKING OFTEN.

YEAH.

LOOK, WE'LL ALL BE THERE TO HELP YOU OUT

TILL YOU GET YOUR LEGS UNDER YOU.

- NOW YOU'RE GONNA BE AN OLD PRO IN NO TIME. - WE GOT YOU.

THANKS, TOMMY. I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU GUYS DOWN.

GOOD. SORRY, GUYS, COULDN'T RESIST.

HERE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. DRINK IT.

NO, I FUCKING HATE TEQUILA, TOMMY. YOU KNOW THAT.

- THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF. - HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY LIMES?

IT DOESN'T EVEN TASTE LIKE TEQUILA.

HERE'S TO DANIEL. WELCOME ONBOARD.

THAT FUCKING TASTES LIKE TEQUILA.

IT TASTES LIKE HONEY.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT IF I WERE BLACK,

I'D JUST WANT TO BE CALLED "BLACK."

- IT SOUNDS SO COOL. - WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

"AFRICAN-AMERICAN" JUST SOUNDS AWKWARD AND LAME.

- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? - IT'S OKAY.

I'M ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT HOW I MIGHT FEEL.

I'M ALSO ETHNIC. I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY PREFER

TO BE CALLED "AFRICAN-AMERICAN"?

YOU MEAN, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M NEITHER OF THOSE?

- RIGHT. - RIGHT.

OKAY, SO IN ENGLAND WHAT DO THEY CALL A BLACK--?

"ENGLISH."

WHO ARE YOU BRINGING TO CASH'S MID-YEAR DINNER?

- WHO AM I BRINGING? - Steve-O: OH, I'M SURE SHE'S HOT.

I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING A DATE.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO.

OKAY, SATURDAY-- HOMEWORK.

TOMORROW-- YOU GUYS, ME. I GOTTA GO.

HEY, ASK SOMEONE OUT. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ANYTHING SPECIAL.

LADIES. ANY CHANCE, LADIES?

SO WHERE ARE WE GONNA GO NOW?

ANY CHANCE WHATSOEVER?

I DON'T KNOW, OKAY? BUT IT'S TUESDAY. I CAN'T STAY UP THAT LATE.

84th AND 5th, PLEASE.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING WITH THE NEW GUY?

IT'S FINE. HE'S ONE OF THOSE LOST SOULS

THAT KIND OF DROPPED OFF THE GRID FOR A LITTLE BIT

to find himself.

I'm not so sure it worked.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO HIRE HIM THEN?

NO, I MEAN, HE'S SMART. HE'S A FUCKING COMPUTER GENIUS.

MAYBE ALL THOSE STUPID ARMY TRAINING COMMERCIALS WERE TRUE.

HEY, SO ARE YOU COMING OVER?

I WISH I COULD. I JUST--

I GOTTA GET UP EARLY TOMORROW AND COVER FOR CHRIS BAKER.

I'll call you tomorrow though, I promise, okay?

- OKAY. - Good night.

[ phone buzzing ]

PLEASE STOP CHECKING ON ME.

HAVE YOU EVEN TALKED TO ANYBODY YET?

I feel like a total perv.

THE LAST GIRL I TALKED TO WAS IN THE PRENATAL CARE SECTION.

Hey, the bookstore was your idea.

I KNOW. IT'S JUST I NEVER WAS GOOD AT THIS STUFF.

DANIEL,

YOU ARE A GREAT GUY, OKAY?

Any woman in this city would be lucky to talk to a guy like you.

OH MY GOD,

I SEE THIS GIRL THAT JUST GOT IN THE LINE.

THERE YOU GO. NOW GO TALK TO HER.

I CAN'T. WHAT DO I SAY? I DON'T KNOW.

It'll come to you. Just move

before someone else gets in line in front of you.

SORRY.

WHERE IN ITALY ARE YOU GOING?

OH, I'M NOT.

I'M JUST RETURNING THIS.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

IT'S AMAZING THERE.

YEAH, MY TRIP THERE JUST GOT CANCELED,

SO THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT I NEED TO HEAR,

BUT YEAH.

DID I SAY AMAZING? I MEANT AWFUL--

THOSE ITALIANS.

DOES THAT HELP AT ALL?

NOT REALLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULD KEEP IT

AND PUT IT IN A PLACE WHERE YOU'LL SEE IT ALL THE TIME.

AND THAT WAY YOU'LL ALWAYS BE REMINDED

ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO GO.

THAT MIGHT BE THE WORST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW, YOU'D END UP GOING.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY-- IF YOU FORGET YOUR DREAMS,

IT'S LIKE THEY NEVER EXISTED.

WHO SAYS THAT?

I--

NOBODY. I JUST MADE THAT UP.

BUT IT'S TRUE.

- NEXT. - OH.

YOU GO AHEAD.

I THINK I MIGHT KEEP IT, ACTUALLY.

THANKS.

Woman: NEXT ON LINE, PLEASE.

[ muttering ]

SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?

OH, I DON'T HAVE A BOOK.

[ quiet piano music playing ]

SO THE QUESTION IS

WHICH ONE OF THE THREE WOMEN DID HE HIRE?

THE ONE WHO REDECORATED THE OFFICE.

WRONG.

THE ONE WHO DOUBLED THEIR SALES.

NOPE. DANIEL?

THEN THE ONE WHO LOVES CHILDREN?

NO.

THE ONE WITH THE BIGGEST TITS.

OH, THAT MUST BE HOW LARRY GOT THE JOB.

ONE LOOK AT THESE MAN BOOBS AND I WAS IN, EH?

HEY, DANIEL, YOU GOT ANY JOKES?

YEAH, LET'S HEAR FROM THE NEW GUY.

OH, I CAN NEVER REMEMBER ANY JOKES.

COME ON, YOU GOTTA KNOW AT LEAST ONE.

YEAH, COME ON, DANIEL.

WELL, I GUESS I CAN THINK OF ONE,

BUT IT'S SO STUPID.

COME ON, GO AHEAD. TELL IT.

OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A FISH WITH TWO KNEES?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT?

A TUNEE FISH.

LIKE TUNA, BUT--

YOU HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

- THAT'S A CLASSIC-- - IT'S ACTUALLY--

--THAT ONE, YEAH. WHERE ARE WE GOING TONIGHT?

SHALL WE JUST HIT THE USUAL PETTING ZOO?

NO, NO STRIP CLUBS TONIGHT. LET'S MEET SOME CIVILIANS.

YEAH, HEY, DANIEL,

YOU KNOW ANY GIRLS WHO'LL MEET US OUT?

YEAH, WHO YOU GOT ON SPEED DIAL?

I DON'T KNOW A LOT OF WOMEN I CAN JUST CALL UP LIKE THAT.

WELL, OKAY. WHERE'S THE HOT SPOT WEDNESDAY NIGHTS?

WEDNESDAY?

I DON'T REALLY GO OUT MUCH ON WEDNESDAYS ANYMORE.

ANYMORE. THIS GUY-- ANIMAL.

- A NUT? - I'M OKAY, THANK YOU.

PICK UP THE PHONE, SAY HELLO.

GO AHEAD, PICK IT UP.

- THERE'S NO ONE THERE. - HUMOR ME.

- HELLO. - GOOD.

HANG IT UP AND DO IT AGAIN.

- HELLO. - VERY NICE.

PRETTY EASY, HUH? REALLY FUCKING EASY.

BUT I DON'T PAY MY SALESMEN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO ANSWER THE PHONE.

I PAY THEM TO MAKE IT RING.

BILLY SIMMONS CALLED TODAY.

HE DOESN'T WANT DANIEL TO COVER THEM.

ANY IDEA WHY?

THEY'RE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

YOU ARE-- SIT THE FUCK DOWN.

YOU ARE ONLY GOING TO BAT FOR THAT GUY

BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT YOU WILL OWN HIM.

YOU CAN FOOL EVERYBODY ELSE, TOMMY,

BUT YOU CAN'T FOOL ME.

HE'S THE TYPE OF GUY I WANT ON MY TEAM.

HE'S HONEST, LOYAL.

LIKE CHRIS BAKER?

MAKE NO MISTAKE-- DANIEL WILL THROW YOU UNDER A FUCKING BUS

THE FIRST DAY HE GETS A CHANCE.

THIS IS NOT SLEEPAWAY CAMP, TOMMY.

YOUR JOB IS TO MAKE ME RICH, PERIOD.

NOW HOWEVER YOU'RE GONNA GET THAT GUY A FUCKING PERSONALITY,

YOU'D BETTER DO IT FAST OR I'M GONNA FIRE HIS RAIN-MAN ASS

AND GET SOMEBODY IN HERE WHO DOES WANT TO TAKE YOUR JOB.

YEAH YEAH, I'M SORRY. I CRASHED LAST NIGHT.

CASH IS KILLING ME ABOUT DANIEL.

REALLY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

He's like Forrest fucking Gump

WITHOUT THE PEOPLE SKILLS.

I'M HEADING TO SOHO RIGHT NOW TO WORK ON HIM.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA SPEND THE DAY IN THE PARK.

BETH, PLEASE, I'M BEING PULLED IN A TON OF DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS RIGHT NOW.

FINE,

BUT I NEED TO BE A PRIORITY TOO SOMETIMES.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER, I PROMISE.

DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU TALK ABOUT AT FIRST.

JUST SHOW THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING.

- LIKE WHAT? - IT'S YOUR LIFE. YOU TELL ME.

I DON'T KNOW.

- OKAY, YOU LIKE TO READ, RIGHT? - YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO READ?

DICKENS,

TOLSTOY. I LIKE AUSTEN-- JANE AUSTEN.

OKAY, CLASSICS MIGHT BE A LITTLE BRAINY

TO START OUT WITH. SO WHAT ELSE? WHAT ELSE?

UH, I CAN GIVE YOU THE FLIGHT SPECS

FOR EVERY DOMESTIC AIRCRAFT SINCE 1950.

CLASSICS-- LET'S TALK MORE ABOUT THOSE.

TALK ABOUT BOOKS THAT SHE MIGHT LIKE. BUT BE CAREFUL

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T ACT, LOOK AND TALK ALL LIKE THE SAME GUY.

YOU GOTTA MIX IT UP.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

JUST IF YOU'RE A SURFER, BE A SURFER WHO LIKES TO READ.

IF YOU'RE A DORK, BE A DORK WHO LIKES TO SALSA DANCE.

IF YOU ACT BORING AND YOU LOOK BORING,

GUESS WHAT-- YOU'RE BORING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS SOUNDS RIDICULOUS.

IT'S TOTALLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU THE WAY THINGS SHOULD BE. I'M TELLING YOU HOW THEY ARE.

AND UNFORTUNATELY, A WOMAN WITHIN THREE SECONDS IS GONNA NOTICE

WHETHER OR NOT YOUR SHOES MATCH YOUR PANTS

OR YOUR SHIRT'S BUTTONED UP TOO HIGH OR IT'S TUCKED IN WHEN IT SHOULDN'T BE

AND YOU GOT A CELL PHONE ATTACHED TO YOUR WOVEN BELT.

THIS IS-- WHEN YOU WERE OVERSEAS,

DIDN'T YOU FIND ANY REALLY COOL CLOTHES?

YOU WANT ME TO WEAR A SARONG TO WORK?

LOOK, I CAN'T STAND GUYS THAT TRY TO MAKE A STATEMENT

WITH WHAT THEY WEAR. IT'S NOT ME.

DANIEL, I'M NOT TRYING TO TURN YOU INTO

SOME BIG CITY MAN COUGAR PRICK LIKE CASH

OR ANY OF THOSE GUYS. ALL I'M SAYING IS, UNFORTUNATELY,

WHAT YOU WEAR DOES MAKE A STATEMENT TO WOMEN.

AND YOUR STATEMENT RIGHT NOW IS

"HI, WELCOME TO BLOCKBUSTER."

WE'RE GOING IN HERE.

UGH.

CAN YOU HELP THIS GUY OUT?

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND

FOR LITTLE TOMMY HILFIGER HERE?

JUST SOMETHING HE CAN WEAR OUT IN PUBLIC.

I'M RIGHT HERE, GUYS.

I CAN HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

MAYBE SOMETHING CASUAL SEXY.

SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

HOW SEXY?

MEDIUM.

OR SMALL SEXY.

TOMMY, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS.

IT'S WORTH IT.

- HEY, I FORGOT MY CLOTHES. - YEAH, LEAVE THEM.

- NO, BUT THOSE ARE BANANA REPUBLIC. - EXACTLY.

OW!

OW!

YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD TOMMY ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO?

OW! FUCK.

I KEEP PUTTING IT OFF. OW.

IT WOULD JUST PUT SO MUCH PRESSURE ON THINGS.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

OW.

GOD, I HOPE MY FUCKING VIBRATOR APPRECIATES THIS.

HEY, ISN'T LISA SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE HER VAGINA TORN OFF.

- Hello. - HEY, WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M HOME. CAN YOU GUYS COME OVER?

YEAH. WHAT'S WRONG?

OH, BITCH FUCKER!

BILL LEFT HIS EMAIL ACCOUNT OPEN ON HIS COMPUTER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

DON'T GO EARLY. DON'T GO EARLY.

DON'T GO EARLY.

[ buzzes ]

SON OF A BITCH!

STEVE-O, YOU'RE AT 10.

I NEED YOU DOWN AT A SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP.

- JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF, OKAY? - COME ON, LET'S GO AGAIN.

DOES IT HURT THAT BAD?

THERE YOU GO. A SHOT, REFILL.

ALL RIGHT, NOW EVERYBODY LISTEN.

- DANIEL. - YES?

WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED TODAY?

TO SHOW YOUR CUSTOMERS

THAT THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE.

NO SALES PITCH, RIGHT? PEOPLE SEE THAT SHIT COMING A MILE AWAY.

[ buzzes ]

FUCK ME!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

I DON'T KNOW.

- HOW DO YOU DO IT? - HOW DO I DO IT?

I NEVER KISS SOMEONE'S ASS.

YOU'RE BETTER OFF JUST FUCKING WITH THEM AND IT'S A LOT MORE FUN.

OKAY, SO FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING

I'M GONNA CALL ALL MY ACCOUNTS AND SAY,

"HEY, YOU BAD FUCKS, YOU WANT TO BUY SOME STOCK?"

WAS THAT A JOKE?

- IT WAS BAD, I'M SORRY. - YOU'RE NOT EVEN LISTENING.

- I NEED YOU TO FOCUS, OKAY? - I'M SORRY.

- ALL RIGHT, AND STOP APOLOGIZING SO MUCH. - I'M SORRY. SHIT.

LOOK, THE REASON THESE RULES ARE IMPORTANT IS BECAUSE

THESE ARE THE SAME RULES THAT APPLY TO MEETING WOMEN,

WHICH IS EVEN MORE IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO LEARN.

WAIT, WOMEN DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE BEING INSULTED.

THAT'S MISOGYNIST BULLSHIT.

NO, WHAT WOMEN HATE IS GETTING LIED TO

BY GUYS WHO ARE JUST TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THEM.

WHAT IF I'M NOT JUST TRYING TO SLEEP WITH THEM?

THEN YOU'RE GAY.

FUCK!

GOD, THAT ACTUALLY HURTS A LOT.

I HAD TO GET HIM DISTRACTED.

WHO'S THE ICEMAN?

NOT LEARNING ANYTHING EVER.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE GAME.

I THINK MY SPERM COUNT IS OFFICIALLY LOWER.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT OBVIOUSLY

SOMETHING WAS REALLY WRONG IF YOU WERE ALREADY THAT SUSPICIOUS.

BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE ME THE RIGHT TO GO SNOOPING AROUND LIKE THAT.

OH, WILL YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELF? YOUR BOYFRIEND CHEATS ON YOU

AND YOU'RE MAD AT YOURSELF FOR CATCHING HIM.

PEOPLE DO MAKE MISTAKES, JORDAN.

LOCKING YOUR KEYS IN YOUR CAR WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING IS A MISTAKE.

REPEATEDLY FUCKING YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND IS NOT A MISTAKE.

- JORDAN, COME ON. - HE SAID IT WAS ONLY THE ONE TIME.

THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT.

INFIDELITIES ARE LIKE COCKROACHES.

FOR EVERY ONE YOU CATCH THERE ARE 100 YOU DON'T.

HEY, YOU'RE NOT HELPING HER RIGHT NOW.

CAN YOU JUST BE SUPPORTIVE AND NOT TURN THIS INTO

SOME STUPID MALE-BASHING SESSION?

WHERE'S TOMMY TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF A GREAT GUY JUST THREW HIMSELF AT YOU.

AT LEAST I'M GIVING MYSELF A CHANCE TO BE HAPPY.

MAYBE USE YOUR SENSITIVE SIDE, SHOW THAT OFF.

YES, USE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A COMPLETE PUSSY TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

COMING FROM THE GUY THAT BROUGHT THE PIÑATA AND THE BLINDFOLD.

OKAY, HIT THE THING.

WHOO!

- WHAT'S PINK? - XANAX, MAN.

YOU CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT AND YOU'LL SLEEP LIKE A ROCK.

- YELLOW? - YELLOW IS ECSTASY.

I LEFT MY GLOW STICKS BACK IN 1997.

WHAT'S BLUE?

BLUE'S VIAGRA. IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU.

I'M GOOD, THANKS.

NO, MY FRIEND. POWER UP, OKAY?

THE LADIES EXPECT IT THESE DAYS.

NEVER TAKE A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT, MATE.

A GUNFIGHT? THAT'S A NICE METAPHOR.

DON'T LISTEN TO THESE GUYS.

ARE YOU READY TO BE RELEASED INTO THE WILD?

[ crowd cheering ]

Woman: HEY, GUYS.

WE GOT EVERYBODY.

NO NO NO, HONEY. WE DON'T NEED THESE.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU THINK SO? YOU SHOULD TELL HER.

DO YOU HAVE WATER?

I'M SURE SHE GETS HIT ON ALL THE TIME THOUGH.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. SHE PROBABLY DOES GET HIT ON ALL THE TIME

BY GUYS WHO DON'T ACTUALLY CARE IF SHE'S A GEMINI OR WHAT HER CAT'S NAME IS,

BUT I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO GO OVER THERE AND FEED HER A LINE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO GO TALK TO HER.

YOU KEEP TELLING ME WHAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY.

I'M IN THE LOW SELF-ESTEEM BUSINESS.

IF THE GIRL'S PARENTS ARE STILL TOGETHER, I JUST MOVE ON.

DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT I SAY TO WOMEN. I HAVE AN ENGLISH ACCENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL RIGHT,

TWO GIRLS, END OF THE BAR.

GO TALK TO THEM.

OKAY.

- WHAT, RIGHT NOW? - YEAH, RIGHT NOW.

WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

I DON'T KNOW.

THE BLONDE, I GUESS.

- ROOKIE. - TOTALLY.

NO QUESTIONS. NO QUESTIONS, JUST GO.

GO.

WAIT, COME BACK, COME BACK.

- WHAT? - THAT RIGHT THERE. WHAT IS THAT?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT. OKAY, NOW GO.

YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE ANY OF THAT SHIT YOU JUST SAID?

- SOME OF IT. - YOU THINK HE'S GONNA PULL IT OFF?

NOT A FUCKING PRAYER.

EXCUSE ME.

PASS ME A NAPKIN, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

[ imitates an explosion ]

- I FEEL STUPID. - YOU LOOK STUPID.

OKAY, SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, DANIEL--

YOU CAN FLY A JET AT MACH 3 SPEEDS

FOR LIKE 72 HOURS WITH A PLASTIC TUBE UP YOUR COCK,

BUT YOU CAN'T GO TALK TO TWO DENTAL HYGIENISTS

FOR 10 SECONDS-- 10 SECONDS?

ACTUALLY, I WAS AN AVIONICS ENGINEER. WE NEVER HAD PLASTIC--

NO, NO EXCUSES. YOU GOTTA BE ABLE TO DO THIS.

YOU HAVE TO.

- WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE OVER THERE? - OH, TOTALLY GROSS.

WHAT ABOUT THE BLONDE OVER THERE?

I WANT TO TOUCH HER WHERE SHE PEES.

THAT IS A GOOD-LOOKING WHITE GIRL.

RING. RING.

OH, FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT THAT ONE? THAT'S A HANDSOME WOMAN.

LOOK AT HER ARSE. SHE MIGHT AS WELL HAVE A TAIL. AND SHE'S UGLY.

YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT SAY THE WAY YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT WOMEN IS UGLY.

YEAH, BUT WE'RE ONLY UGLY ON THE INSIDE, SO IT'S OKAY.

OH, THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

SHE TOTALLY WANTS TO HAVE A SEXY PARTY WITH ME.

SHE DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE A SEXY PARTY WITH YOU.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE A SEXY PARTY WITH ME.

STEVE-O, FINE. GO AHEAD, TALK TO HER.

BUT NONE OF THAT SHOCK-AND-AWE BULLSHIT YOU USUALLY PULL.

I'M GONNA ASK YOU TO SHOW DANNY HOW TO DO THIS, OKAY?

- YOU DON'T HAVE-- - I DON'T DO THAT SHIT ANYMORE, OKAY?

OKAY, NONE OF THAT SCORCHED-DIRT BULLSHIT. I'M SERIOUS.

WELL, HELLO THERE, RODEO. WHO'S UP FOR A JAGER BOMB?

I DON'T THINK SHE'S HAVING IT, MATE.

A GREY GOOSE WITH SODA. YEAH, JUST ONE.

HOW ABOUT YOU GO TALK TO HER?

I DON'T THINK CINDY BRADY IS COMING OVER

TO THE DARK SIDE TONIGHT. I'M GONNA GO TAKE A HOT LAP.

THANKS FOR THE HELP, SHAKES.

WELL, YOUR TURN.

- NO. - YOUR TURN.

NO.

OKAY, FINE. OKAY, BUT REMEMBER,

THIS IS NOT ABOUT SEXY PARTIES OR--

WHATEVER. JUST GO TALK TO HER.

I'M GONNA GET A FRONT-ROW SEAT, OKAY?

I'M STEVEN, BY THE WAY.

I'M BROOKE.

GREAT. YOU LOOKED REALLY PROFESSIONAL UP THERE,

BY WHICH I MEAN, LIKE, HOT, LIKE REALLY HOT.

ANOTHER NAPKIN.

- WHERE'S THE BARTENDER? - I HOPE I'M NOT INTERRUPTING.

- YEAH, YOU ACTUALLY-- - NO, NOT AT ALL. HI.

- HI. - HI.

TOMMY.

- YEAH, THIS IS BLAKE-- - I'M BROOKE.

- BLAKE? - BROOKE.

- TOMMY. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

SO HOW DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

- OH, WE-- - WORK.

YOU WRITE CHILDREN'S BOOKS TOO?

YEAH, HE DOES

INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDES FOR SWING SEX.

UH...

- WELL... - DUDE, THAT'S MY--

OBVIOUSLY I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WITH THIS GIRL TONIGHT,

SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A SHOT?

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

- YEAH, I-- - WHAT, YOU GUYS WORK ON WALL STREET?

YEAH, WE DO, BUT NOT ALL OF US ARE LIKE--

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S START OVER.

I'M TOMMY

AND I OWE YOU A DRINK.

I'M BROOKE.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

PERSONALLY I THINK THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BULIMIA AT ALL.

IF ANYTHING, IT SHOWS YOUR WILLINGNESS

TO REEVALUATE YOUR DECISIONS

AND BE PROACTIVE ABOUT MAKING CHANGES.

YOU DON'T SOUND BLACK AT ALL.

ARE YOU FROM EUROPE?

Man: HERE GOES JONATHAN TO BREAK SOME RECORDS!

YEAH!

Man: HERE HE GOES!

OH, MAN, THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

Lisa: I DON'T LOOK INNOCENT. IT LOOKS LIKE A HEROIN ADDICT.

- [ phone ringing ] - GIVE ME.

HERE.

WHAT IF HE REALLY IS SORRY?

EVERYONE IS SORRY ONCE THEY'RE CAUGHT. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

IT'S TRUE. RICH SAID HE WOULD LEAVE HIS WIFE

AFTER I FOUND OUT HE WAS MARRIED.

ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR.

YOU'RE RETARDED. THAT'S JUST A BULLSHIT EXCUSE

PEOPLE USE TO SCREW WHOEVER THEY WANT.

THEY NEED GUANTANAMO BAY FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

I'D WATERBOARD THE FUCK OUT MY EX IN LOVE GITMO.

GOOD FOR YOU. THIS IS FOR WORK.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? TOMMY JUST HIRED A NEW GUY ON HIS DESK.

REALLY? IS HE CUTE?

HE DIDN'T SAY,

WHICH ACTUALLY PROBABLY MEANS HE'S CUTE.

I'LL FIND A WAY TO BRING HIM AROUND.

PUT THIS ON.

DO I REALLY HAVE TO GO OUT WITH YOU GUYS?

Both: YES.

WHOSE BACHELORETTE PARTY IS THIS ANYWAY?

LOOK, I JUST FELT

THAT IF WE HAD MET UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES

JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO,

THAT THIS COULD HAVE BEEN

SOMETHING, LIKE, REALLY AMAZING.

I MEAN--

I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY,

- ISN'T IT? - YEAH.

OH...

CAN YOU GET MY BAG? THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I LOVE YOU.

- I'M SORRY. - THANK YOU.

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN BAD NEWS BEARS.

Tommy: HERE'S WHERE THINGS STARTED TO GET COMPLICATED.

BROOKE LOST HER PURSE THAT NIGHT AT THE BAR,

HER PHONE, HER KEYS-- EVERYTHING.

SHE ASKED IF SHE COULD CRASH ON MY COUCH

AND CALL A LOCKSMITH IN THE MORNING.

I KNOW I REALLY COULD HAVE JUST PUT MY FOOT DOWN,

BUT I DIDN'T.

I'M GONNA GET GOING.

OKAY.

THANKS.

NO SWEAT.

Tommy: I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT TRUST

IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A RELATIONSHIP.

BUT GIVEN THAT NOTHING HAPPENED,

I DECIDED NOT TO TELL BETH.

[ people chattering ]

HEY, HOT SHOT.

CASH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HELLO, BETH. MY, YOU'RE MORE LOVELY THAN I REMEMBER.

OH, YOU'RE SWEET-TALKING.

LOOK AT THAT. THAT NECKLACE IS GORGEOUS.

- LOOK AT THAT THING. - IT WAS A GIFT, ACTUALLY.

WAS IT? YOU PICKED THAT OUT?

- YES, I DID. - I'M SHOCKED.

OH, YOU HAVEN'T MET BETH YET, HAVE YOU?

NOT OFFICIALLY.

Cash: I'M SURPRISED AT YOUR TASTE.

- SHE'S REALLY NICE. - YEAH.

I'M SURE.

Steve-O: OKAY, WHO TAKES A BUS TO WORK EVERY DAY?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN? STEPHENS'S WIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

ALL I'M SAYING IS HE PASSED UP 20 GOOD YEARS OF MAN-WHORING.

HE COULD HAVE PUT UP WILT CHAMBERLAIN NUMBERS AND THEN RETIRED.

YEAH, HE LOOKS MISERABLE.

ANYONE NEED A DRINK?

- SO YOU CAME HERE WITH TOMMY? - YEAH.

SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN DATING?

IT'S BEEN THREE MONTHS NOW.

THAT LONG? OH, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.

TIME FLIES.

DIET COKE, PLEASE.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

THANK YOU.

HITTING THE HARD STUFF, HUH?

YEAH.

SAVING THE TABLE DANCING

FOR THE HOLIDAY PARTY.

YOU MUST BE DANIEL. THAT'S SO FUNNY.

I'M BETH-- TOMMY'S GIRLFRIEND.

I FIGURED.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU TOO.

AGAIN.

AGAIN.

YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.

OH.

SO HOW DID YOU AND TOMMY MEET AGAIN?

I WAS OUT ONE NIGHT WITH MY FRIEND JORDAN

AND HE WAS OBVIOUSLY ON A DATE.

- OH, THAT'S TROUBLE. - YEAH.

WELL, HE LEFT, BUT HE CAME BACK IN THE RESTAURANT

AND TOLD ME THAT HE WANTED TO BE TALKING TO ME.

AND EVER SINCE THEN...

TOMMY-- HE'S A GREAT GUY.

YEAH, HE'S GREAT.

TOMMY SAYS YOU'RE A BIG READER.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BOOK?

WELL, HAVE YOU EVER READ "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE"?

REALLY?

SEE? YOU'RE LAUGHING.

NO, IT'S JUST WHY DO GUYS ALWAYS PICK THAT BOOK?

IS IT IN A MANUAL SOMEWHERE ON HOW TO SPEAK TO WOMEN?

NO, I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT SHOWS

HOW WRONG FIRST IMPRESSIONS CAN BE, YOU KNOW?

AND ALSO, THE MAIN CHARACTER, ELIZABETH BENNET--

IT SOUNDS STUPID, BUT SHE'S LIKE MY IDEAL WOMAN.

HAVE YOU EVER READ "LOLITA"?

"LOLITA, MY SIN, MY SOUL,

STANDING 4'10" ON ONE SIDE"?

HEY, YOU SHOULD COME TO MY BOOK CLUB ON TUESDAY NIGHT.

I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT TO HAVE A GUY FOR THIS ONE.

WHAT ABOUT TOMMY?

OH, TOMMY WOULD NEVER COME.

PLUS, THERE'S KIND OF A NO-BOYFRIEND RULE.

YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO POLITELY DECLINE THOUGH.

OH, COME ON-- JUST YOU

AND FIVE CUTE GIRLS AND A LOT OF WINE. HEY.

I SEE YOU SAVED ME THE TROUBLE OF INTRODUCTIONS.

YEAH, GOOD TIMING. YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE DANIEL TO COME TO MY BOOK CLUB.

THE BOOK CLUB? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

REALLY? WHY?

FIRST OF ALL, YOU'LL BE TALKING TO ACTUAL WOMEN,

EVEN IF IT IS ABOUT BOOKS.

COME ON, I'M SURE HE DOES JUST FINE WITH THE LADIES. DON'T YOU?

NOT REALLY, NO.

SECONDLY, IT WOULD GIVE ME ENDLESS OPPORTUNITIES TO FUCK WITH YOU.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T THINK IT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.

GOOD MORNING, SOLDIER.

GOOD MORNING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?

OH, JUST A BOOK.

WHAT BOOK?

NOTHING.

WHAT BOOK? WHAT IS THE TI--?

"PRIDE AND PREJUDICE." PUT THAT AWAY. JESUS.

WHAT, ARE YOU CARPOOLING WITH OPRAH?

I MET A WOMAN.

SHE REMINDS ME OF THE CHARACTER IN THE BOOK.

YOU'RE DOING REALLY LOVELY WITH THOSE LANGUAGE TAPES, YAN.

SO WHEN YOU SAY "CUTE," DO YOU MEAN LIKE

A LITTLE KID WITH GUM IN HIS HAIR CUTE

- OR BRAD PITT CUTE? - SOMEWHERE INBETWEEN.

SEE, I DON'T WANT THIS TURNING INTO SOME LAME EPISODE OF "THE BACHELOR."

HEY, I THOUGHT WOMEN WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE MEN IN UNIFORM.

YEAH, GOVERNMENT SALARIES AND POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS REALLY DO IT TO ME NASTY.

YEAH, AND WE'VE MET TOMMY'S WORK FRIENDS.

NO, BUT HE'S NOTHING LIKE THOSE GUYS.

IF ANYTHING, HE'S TOO OLD-FASHIONED.

WHAT, HE STILL PREFERS VAGINAL SEX?

OOH, OLD SCHOOL, YEAH.

[ doorbell rings ]

- YOU SAID YOU INVITED HIM LATER. - I DID.

- OH, I NEED MY-- - OKAY, COME ON, GIRL.

JUST THINK ABOUT THIS AS A TRYOUT.

YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC.

- YOU LOOK CUTE. YOU'RE ADORABLE. - THANK YOU.

- HELLO. - It's Daniel.

HE'S POLITE AND EARLY. YEAH, HE'S GAY.

HE'S NOT GAY. HE WAS IN THE MILITARY.

- GAY. - YEAH, DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL.

- HI. - HEY, COME ON IN.

OH, I GOT YOU THIS.

OH, THANK YOU.

- IT'S WINE. - YEAH.

SO YOU HAVE TO MEET EVERYBODY.

DANIEL, THIS IS LISA, JORDAN, SUSAN AND JILL.

- HI, EVERYONE. - Women: HI.

SORRY I'M SO EARLY.

NO NO, WE WERE JUST HAVING SOME GIRL TALK.

JUST SAT DOWN.

I CAN JUST COME BACK IF YOU GUYS--

NO, PLEASE, SIT. COME ON.

[ both chuckle ]

AND APPARENTLY THEY'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN BEFORE,

EVER.

Jordan: I KNOW IT'S A CLASSIC,

BUT I CAN'T GET PAST THIS OLD EUROTRASH PERVERT

SCREWING A 12-YEAR-OLD FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE. IT'S DISGUSTING.

AND THE WAY HE BRIBES HER FOR SEX WITH CANDY AND POCKET CHANGE-- UGH.

DANIEL, YOU'VE BEEN AWFULLY QUIET.

HAVE WE SCARED YOU OUT OF TALKING?

WELL, I CAN'T DISAGREE WITH WHAT'S BEEN SAID SO FAR.

OBVIOUSLY YEAH, THE GUY IS REALLY TROUBLED

- AND HE'S-- - A PERVERT, A PEDOPHILE.

LET HIM FINISH.

YES, BUT I BELIEVE

THAT HE WAS HOPELESSLY IN LOVE.

IT DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY, BUT HE'S NOT JUST A PERVERT.

- YEAH, HE'S A MURDERER TOO. - OKAY, RIGHT.

YEARS LATER HE KILLS THE MAN THAT STOLE HIS LOLITA,

BUT HE LOVED HER MORE THAN ANYTHING,

EVEN HIS OWN LIFE.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS.

ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST A DISTRACTION.

SHOULD WE CHOOSE ANOTHER BOOK FOR NEXT TIME?

YEAH. WILL YOU BE ABLE TO JOIN US NEXT TIME?

UH, OKAY.

BUT I KIND OF GOT THE FEELING

TONIGHT WAS SORT OF A TRYOUT.

- Women: OH, NO. - NO, YOU PASSED.

YEAH, SURE. YOU GUYS CAN BE

LIKE THE SISTERS I NEVER WANTED.

- THANKS. LOVELY. - NICE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN IS EVERYBODY OKAY WITH "THE GOOD SOLDIER"?

Susan: I DON'T REALLY WANT TO READ A WAR NOVEL.

NO, BUT IT'S A LOVE STORY, ISN'T IT?

WELL, HERE.

"THIS HEART-BREAKING NOVEL OF INFIDELITY AND BETRAYAL

TELLS A STORY OF AN EX-SOLDIER

AND SEEMINGLY PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

"HE WAS JUST THE SORT OF MAN YOU COULD TRUST YOUR WIFE WITH,"

SAYS THE TRAGIC NARRATOR OF THE STORY.

THERE YOU GO.

THANKS.

YOU'RE A TOTAL NEAT FREAK, AREN'T YOU?

ACTUALLY, MY APARTMENT'S A MESS--

THERAPY FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF ME SPIT-SHINING MY SHOES.

I CANNOT PICTURE YOU IN THE MILITARY.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - I DON'T KNOW.

YOU JUST DON'T SEEM

VERY AGGRESSIVE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I WAS AN AVIONICS ENGINEER.

- WERE YOU? - YEAH.

I'M SUPER AGGRESSIVE.

NO, MY DAD-- HE WAS IN THE AIR FORCE

AND THE ONLY WAY I COULD AFFORD PRINCETON WAS R.O.T.C.

YOU GET UP EVERY MORNING AT 6:00 A.M.,

DO SOME PUSH-UPS-- THEY PAY FOR SCHOOL.

BUT YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR SERVICE, RIGHT?

TOMMY SAID YOU DROPPED OUT.

I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.

NO, IT'S OKAY.

YOU HAVE TO SERVE FOUR YEARS AFTER COLLEGE

IN ORDER TO GET YOUR LOANS PAID OFF.

AND MY COMMANDING OFFICER SERVED WITH MY DAD.

AND AFTER THREE YEARS I HAD SOME--

I JUST HAD SOME STUFF THAT HAPPENED.

AND HE AGREED TO GET ME DISCHARGED A YEAR EARLY.

THAT'S GOOD, I THINK.

NO NO, IT WAS AT THE TIME,

BUT NOW I'VE GOT 100 GRAND IN STUDENT LOANS TO PAY OFF.

OH MY GOD.

A LOT OF PUSH-UPS FOR NOTHING.

WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY NOTHING.

[ doorbell rings ]

THAT WOULD BE TOMMY.

HEY, COME ON UP.

I GUESS I SHOULD GET GOING, HUH?

OKAY, WELL, I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

AND THANK YOU FOR OFFERING TO CLEAN UP.

- THAT WAS NICE. - YEAH.

HI, GUYS. HOW WAS BOOK CLUB?

IT WAS GOOD.

ARE YOU EVER ACTUALLY GONNA WANT TO LEAVE THIS CITY?

SOMEDAY, YEAH.

COME ON, BABY, SLEEP.

MY AUNT AND UNCLE USED TO BE THESE BIG-SHOT LAWYERS...

MM-HMM.

...WORKING 100-HOUR WEEKS AND NEVER GETTING TO SEE EACH OTHER.

AND ONE DAY THEY JUST MOVED TO COLORADO

TO RUN THIS HOT-AIR BALLOON COMPANY.

THAT'S GREAT. GOOD FOR THEM.

IT IS.

THEY TAKE PEOPLE UP TO WATCH THE SUNSET

OVER THE ROCKIES EVERY NIGHT.

THEY GET BY OKAY.

AND THEY GET TO SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.

AND HE HASN'T THROWN HER OUT OF THE BASKET YET?

[ chuckles ]

COME ON, BABY, LET'S GO TO SLEEP.

I WAS OFFERED A PROMOTION IN SAN FRANCISCO.

[ door opens, door bell jingles ]

AND CAN YOU MAKE SURE THEY ARRIVE THIS AFTERNOON?

THEY NEED TO BE THERE WHEN HE GETS HOME.

AS LONG AS THERE'S A DOORMAN, SURE.

- DID YOU WANT TO FILL OUT A CARD? - YES.

YOU LIKE FLOWERS. WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THEM?

THIS ISN'T FUNNY. "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY"?

THIS HAS TO STOP.

I GUESS I DID MEET HER ABOUT THIS TIME LAST YEAR.

BETH, BETH, YOU'RE MAD AT ME,

AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT CHRISTIE WANTS.

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

OF COURSE IT DOES.

"WE ALL HAVE A PAST." REMEMBER?

I DEALT WITH MINE. YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH YOURS.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I CAN GET A RESTRAINING ORDER.

HOW DOES ONE ACTUALLY DO THAT?

I'M TIRED OF THIS, HONESTLY.

[ phone ringing ]

- HELLO. - Hi.

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

UM, JUST PEANUT BUTTER...

SANDWICHES.

ALL RIGHT.

Hey, Tommy and Lisa and I

are going for dinner next week and we wanted to invite you along.

I CAN'T.

I DIDN'T EVEN SAY WHICH NIGHT YET.

NO, I JUST--

I DON'T LIKE TO BE SET UP.

OH, WELL, IT'S NOT A SETUP.

How's Monday night?

We're going for sushi. It's better than peanut butter.

- YEAH, I THINK I CAN DO MONDAY. - OKAY.

- Sure. - GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT ANYWAY?

OH, IT'S JUST BEEN KIND OF A LONG WEEK.

WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

I'M MEETING TOMMY LATER.

SO WHAT'S YOUR STORY? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

WELL, MY EX-GIRLFRIEND--

FIANCéE--

SHE GOT PREGNANT WHILE I WAS SERVING OVERSEAS.

SHE VISITED YOU OVER THERE?

NO NO, THAT WAS KIND OF THE PROBLEM.

OH. SORRY.

IT WAS NOT REALLY THE HOMECOMING

I'D BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR THREE YEARS, YOU KNOW?

RIGHT.

SO ARE YOU INTERESTED IN ANYONE THESE DAYS?

INTERESTED LIKE--?

UM, NO NO, NOT--

THAT'S A YES.

WHO IS SHE? DO I KNOW HER?

I DON'T THINK YOU DO, BETH.

ALL RIGHT, SAY WHEN.

IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

[ laughs ]

IT'S OKAY. I DON'T HAVE TO BE AT WORK UNTIL LATE TOMORROW.

SO WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE COUNTRY THAT YOU VISITED?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

BOTSWANA MAYBE. NO, VIETNAM.

PEOPLE THERE ARE SO NICE

AND THE BEACHES ARE JUST AMAZING.

AND IT'S LIKE A MILLION DONG TO THE DOLLAR, SO IT'S REALLY CHEAP.

A MILLION DONGS TO A DOLLAR, HUH?

SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME.

SO WHAT WAS BOTSWANA LIKE?

OKAY, PICTURE HERDS OF ZEBRA AND ELEPHANT

LITERALLY JUST STOPPING TRAFFIC ON HIGHWAYS.

AND THE CURRENCY THERE

ACTUALLY IS CALLED THE PULA,

WHICH IS THE SAME WORD AS "RAIN."

- OH, 'CAUSE OF THE DROUGHTS. - YEAH, EXACTLY.

AND THE PENNIES-- THEY'RE CALLED "RAINDROPS."

THAT'S SO POETIC.

IT IS. ARE YOU DRINKING?

OH, NO.

NEVER POUR YOUR OWN SAKE--

SEVEN YEARS OF BAD SEX. THAT'S A FACT.

SEVEN MORE YEARS, HUH?

OH.

SCHOOL NIGHT.

LET'S HAVE A TOAST.

TO DANIEL'S SUCCESS IN HIS NEW JOB.

AND TO LISA'S PROMOTION.

AND TO BETH FOR ORGANIZING TONIGHT.

YES, HERE'S TO EVERYONE EXCEPT ME.

OH.

BETH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THAT JOB OFFER IN CALIFORNIA?

WELL, IT'S SUCH A GREAT OPPORTUNITY

BUT A PART OF ME FEELS LIKE I SHOULDN'T GO.

WHEN WOULD YOU BE MOVING?

PROBABLY IN ABOUT A MONTH.

YEAH, I'D MISS HER LIKE CRAZY,

BUT IT'S ONLY A PLANE RIDE, RIGHT?

YEAH, I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT FAR.

I JUST CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.

I KNOW HOW YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT.

THIS WILL SHOW YOU

EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT DEEP DOWN.

YEAH, LET'S LEAVE ALL OF LIFE'S MAJOR DECISIONS

TO A COIN TOSS. THAT'S BRILLIANT, DANIEL.

I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE IN LUCK.

NO NO NO, IT'S NOT ABOUT LUCK, OKAY?

HEADS YOU STAY, TAILS YOU GO.

YOU GOTTA TRUST ME THOUGH, OKAY?

- THIS IS RIDICULOUS. - HEADS YOU STAY, TAILS YOU GO.

WHAT DO YOU WANT IT TO BE?

STAY.

THEN THAT'S YOUR ANSWER.

NO, WHAT WAS THE REAL ONE? WHAT WAS IT?

DOESN'T MATTER.

- [ Beth chuckles ] -DUDE, YOU LOOKED AT IT. COME ON.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS NOW.

YEAH, I GUESS I DO.

THANKS FOR DINNER, TOMMY.

- YES, THANK YOU. - YES, VERY GENEROUS AS ALWAYS.

MY PLEASURE.

SHIT, I LEFT MY CREDIT CARD INSIDE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I THINK I'M GONNA CALL IT A NIGHT.

OH, OKAY.

YEAH, I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.

DO YOU WANT TO SHARE A CAB?

NO, I'M HEADED DOWNTOWN.

YOU'RE HEADED TO THE UPPER WEST, RIGHT?

- YEAH. - WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE, YOU KNOW,

LOGISTICALLY.

GOT IT. WHAT'S THE PLAN?

I'M JUST GONNA CALL IT A NIGHT.

- THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, MAN. - YEAH?

YEAH, SEE YOU TOMORROW. YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

- ALL RIGHT. - TAKE CARE.

Daniel: WELL, IT'S AT 10.45.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BEND YOU OVER, OKAY?

JUST GROW A PAIR OF NUTS AND--

SHAKESPEARE, I STILL NEED A BETTER BID.

DANIEL, YOU'RE UP ON CYBERON.

ALL RIGHT, TICKER REPORT-- 100 THOU?

A NICKEL BETTER THAN YOUR ORDER.

YEAH? OKAY, THANKS.

JACK, STICK WITH ME ON THIS ONE.

- SHAKESPEARE, DID YOU HEAR ME? - JUST GET HIM TO FUCKING HIT ME.

ALL RIGHT, JACK, WE JUST GOT ANOTHER SELLER.

IT'S FILL OR KILL. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

GREAT. I'LL HAVE JEN CALL YOU WITH THE REPORT.

HAVE FUN IN THE HAMPTONS. YEAH.

ON YOUR WAY, SHAKESPEARE.

THANK YOU, DANIMAL.

- JEN. - I'M ALL OVER IT, DANIMAL.

[ seagulls cawing ]

IT'S KIND OF SAD IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

THOS GUYS SPEND ALL THEIR TIME

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THEY'RE NEVER GONNA FIND.

WHAT, THE PERFECT WOMAN?

YEAH, THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

SO YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TEMPTED, HUH?

WELL, OF COURSE I'VE BEEN TEMPTED.

WHY? DOES THAT SURPRISE YOU?

I CAN GO HOME AT NIGHT. I CAN LOOK MY WIFE

AND MY KIDS IN THE EYE

AND NOT FEEL LIKE A TOTAL FRAUD.

I MEAN, TO ME THAT'S A GOOD TRADE.

DANIEL, HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

HI, DANIEL. I'M CHRISTIE.

- I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. - YEAH, YOU TOO.

YEAH, SO DANIEL AND I HAVE A MEETING

WE GOTTA GET UP TO, SO I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY, BYE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT. SHE'S A LITTLE NUTS.

- I HAD TO STOP HER FROM COMING UPSTAIRS. - OKAY.

YOU SHOWED UP IN THE NICK OF TIME. THAT'S GOOD.

OH, AND I KNOW YOU AND BETH ARE BECOMING REAL GOOD FRIENDS.

I THINK THAT'S COOL AND EVERYTHING. IT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING

SHE DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT, YOU KNOW?

UNLESS YOU'RE TRYING

TO SPLIT US UP FOR SOME REASON.

I'M FUCKING WITH YOU.

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH.

Hi, it's Tommy. Leave a message.

♪ FRIDAY NIGHT

♪ BECAME SO LONELY

♪ WHEN YOU CAME TO MAKE OR BREAK ♪

♪ AND SEEMED TO TAKE ALL DAY TO MAKE ME ANGRY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I LIKE YOU

♪ MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE YOU ♪

♪ HOLDING ONTO SOMETHING

♪ THAT WE KNOW WE CANNOT HOLD OR FOLD ♪

♪ IT SEEMS WE JUST CAN'T FORGET ♪

♪ ARE YOU FRIGHTENED

♪ BY PERFECTION?

♪ IS THIS WHO YOU ARE

♪ NOT WHO YOU WANT TO BE? ♪

- ♪ I WALK THE LINE LIKE JOHNNY CASH ♪ - [ phone ringing ]

♪ I MADE THE BUS IN SECONDS FLAT ♪

♪ I CALLED YOUR LINE TOO MANY TIMES... ♪

HEY, BETH.

Hey, where are you?

I'M AT HOME.

TOMMY SAID YOU GUYS HAD AN IMPORTANT DINNER TONIGHT.

WELL, I GUESS I'M NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

SO DID YOU FINISH THE BOOK YET?

YEAH, I JUST DID.

I'M NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT THOUGH.

What do you mean?

WELL, YOU KIND OF JUST TRUST THE NARRATOR

OUT OF HABIT, YOU KNOW?

BUT JUST AS YOU'RE GETTING INTO IT,

HE JUST TURNS OUT TO BE FULL OF SHIT.

YEAH, SO?

So what's the point of that?

MAYBE IT'S JUST LIKE REAL LIFE.

SOMETIMES

PEOPLE JUST AREN'T WHO YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE.

YOU'D TELL ME

IF SOMETHING WAS GOING ON WITH TOMMY, RIGHT?

YEAH YEAH, IF I KNEW ANYTHING.

I MEAN, THERE'S NO STUPID GUY CODE OR ANYTHING, IS THERE?

Don't say anything to Tommy, okay?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

THANKS. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

DO YOU WANT TO COME GET A DRINK WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS?

I CAN'T, BETH.

I'M KIND OF EXPECTING SOMEONE.

OH.

OKAY.

WELL, HAVE FUN TONIGHT,

WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING.

Well, not too much fun. Ha ha.

[ intercom buzzes ]

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

OKAY, BYE.

HELLO.

Man: Delivery for Mr. Daniel.

YEAH, COME ON UP.

YOU SHOULD CALL DANIEL. WHAT'S UP WITH DANIEL TONIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT SOUNDED LIKE HE HAD SOME HOT DATE COMING OVER.

[ laughs ] YEAH, SOMEHOW I DOUBT THAT.

WHY? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THE GUY IS TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.

WHY DIDN'T HE COME TONIGHT THEN?

YOU'RE HIS BOSS'S GIRLFRIEND. I'M SURE IT KILLS HIM TO BE AROUND YOU.

SHUT UP.

- OH MY GOD. - Jordan: IT'S NOT THAT SURPRISING.

NO OVER THERE. IT'S CRAZY CHRISTIE.

- TOMMY'S EX? - YEAH.

- WHICH ONE IS SHE? - SHE'S THE LITTLE AUDREY HEPBURN

IN THE RED DRESS. THAT'S HER, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, SHE'S NOT THAT PRETTY. YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER.

- I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A SCENE. - MAKE A HUGE FUCKING SCENE.

THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH.

YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH.

CAN I HELP YOU?

WE'VE NEVER MET BEFORE,

BUT I--

YOU USED TO DATE TOM FIELDING, RIGHT?

ARE YOU ONE OF TOMMY'S EX-GIRLFRIENDS?

EX-GIRLFRIENDS?

NO, TOMMY AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR THREE MONTHS NOW.

NICE NECKLACE.

SORRY.

I RAN INTO AN OLD FRIEND ON LINE FOR THE BATHROOM.

IT'S OKAY. SHOULD WE GET THE CHECK?

ACTUALLY, I THINK I WANT TO STAY OUT TONIGHT.

I MEAN, WE SPENT THE WHOLE DAY INSIDE.

YEAH, BUT WASN'T IT GREAT?

WELL, ALL WE EVER DO IS STAY IN AND HAVE SEX

SINCE THE FIRST NIGHT WE MET.

I WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT.

BUT WE ARE OUT.

- CIAO, CARISSIMA. - CIAO, PAOLO.

PAOLO, THIS IS TOMMY.

- AH, TOMMY. - PAOLO.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

OH, PAOLO, TOMMY SPEAKS ITALIAN TOO.

E VERO?

SI, UN POCO.

[ speaks Italian ]

YEAH, IT'S A LITTLE LOUD IN HERE

AND I'M A LITTLE RUSTY, PROBABLY.

AH, WE SPEAK ENGLISH THEN, HMM?

YEAH, IT'S PROBABLY BETTER FOR EVERYONE.

SURE.

SO HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?

OH, I--? OKAY.

SO ONE DAY BROOKE CAME INTO MY STUDIO

TO MAKE SOME PHOTOS-- VERY NICE PHOTOS, EH?

- PAOLO IS A GENIUS. - OH, NO.

SO TOMMY, WHAT IS IT YOU DO?

I WORK AT A BANK-- MORGAN BROTHERS--

TRADING EQUITIES.

OH, I UNDERSTAND. WALL STREET, I GET IT.

MONEY, EH? MONEY?

PAOLO, WHEN DID YOU GET TO NEW YORK AND WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

I'M ONLY HERE ONE WEEK. TOMORROW I HAVE A SHOW OPENING.

TONIGHT WE ARE TO CELEBRATE. I DIDN'T--

YOU MUST JOIN US

TO CELEBRATE TONIGHT.

OH, COME ON, EH?

YOU WOULDN'T MIND IF I WENT WITH THEM, WOULD YOU?

HMM?

YOU WANTED TO GO HOME ANYWAY, RIGHT?

EUROTRASH PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT.

THAT'S WHO SHE'S GONNA GO HOME WITH.

I MEAN, FUCK!

SORRY ABOUT THAT. HAVE A GOOD EVENING.

HEY, SAMANTHA, IT'S THOMAS.

IT'S ABOUT 11:00 SATURDAY NIGHT.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU.

CALL ME BACK. ALL RIGHT.

AMY-- TOM.

HEY, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT ABOUT 10:00.

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU.

JEN,

IT'S YOUR FAVORITE CO-WORKER-- TOMMY.

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU, EVEN IF IT'S LATE.

JUST CALL ME BACK.

FUCK.

YOU SHOULD HEAR SOME OF THE THINGS HE SAYS ABOUT YOU.

I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.

I SPENT SO MUCH TIME HATING YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, BETH. HOW'S GIRLS' NIGHT OUT GOING?

TOMMY, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN,

EVER.

WAIT, BETH. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHERE ARE YOU?

I KNOW ABOUT CHRISTIE, TOMMY--

EVERYTHING.

NO, WHAT ARE YOU--? BETH, THIS IS CRAZY.

NO, IT'S NOT, ACTUALLY.

WELL, NOT ANYMORE.

WHO HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO?

Beth, Beth!

FUCK.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, BUDDY?

CHANGE OF PLANS. WE'RE GONNA BE STAYING DOWNTOWN.

[ knocks on door ]

COMING.

HEY.

- HEY. - WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?

YOU--

YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO BETH TONIGHT

BY ANY CHANCE, HAVE YOU?

WELL, YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A BIG DEAL.

IT IS A BIG DEAL, DANIEL. IT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL.

- WHY? - 'CAUSE YOU TOLD HER I WAS FUCKING CHRISTIE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW--

YOU WANT TO FUCK MY GIRL, DON'T YOU,

YOU LITTLE FUCKING CUNT?

- I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. - YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?

WHY WOULD YOU CALL HER, HUH?

SHE CALLED ME. WE TALKED FOR TWO MINUTES

ABOUT A BOOK WE'RE READING. THAT'S IT.

- THE BOOK CLUB? - YEAH.

NOW I UNDERSTAND. YOU UNDERSTAND

- WHY I MISINTERPRETED THE WHOLE SITUATION. - ACTUALLY, I CAN'T, TOMMY.

IT HURT ME AS MUCH AS IT DID YOU.

I'M SURE WE'LL BE LAUGHING ABOUT IT ON MONDAY.

LOOK, I'LL TAKE YOU OUT TO LUNCH, OKAY?

YEAH--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU'LL GET THAT FIXED UP.

MONDAY WE'LL STRAIGHTEN THIS WHOLE THING OUT.

I DON'T THINK SO, TOMMY.

DANIEL, COME ON, DON'T--

GO HOME, TOMMY.

JUST GO HOME.

[ chuckles ]

OKAY OKAY.

84th AND 5th.

[ phone ringing ]

Driver: $8.20, PLEASE.

I THINK I LOST MY WALLET.

$8.20, SIR.

I THINK I LOST MY WALLET, SIR.

WE CAN GO A.T.M.

NO, MY CARDS ARE IN MY WALLET.

BUT YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- I HAVE MONEY UPSTAIRS.

IF YOU JUST WAIT HERE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES, I'LL RUN UP,

I'LL GRAB IT, I'LL BRING IT DOWN FOR YOU.

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TAXI.

[ phone ringing ]

HEY, BETH.

HEY. SORRY.

DO YOU STILL HAVE COMPANY?

NO NO, NOT AT ALL. ARE YOU OKAY?

CAN I ASK YOU A FAVOR?

YOU CAN SAY NO,

BUT PLEASE DON'T SAY NO, OKAY?

BETH, BETH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

[ knocks on door ]

IT'S BEEN A WHILE, TOMMY.

EVENING, MISS PERKINS.

YOUR PLACE LOOKS NICE.

DID YOU MISS ME?

UGH.

[ squealing ]

WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?

[ machine beeps ]

Hi, Christie. It's Mom.

Call me when you get a chance.

- [ beep ] - Hey, it's Tommy.

I'm just gonna crash at my place tonight, okay? Love you.

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.

FUCK.

- HEY. - HEY.

- WHAT--? - YEAH.

- WHAT HAPPENED? - I GUESS TOMMY'S HAVING A ROUGH NIGHT.

TOMMY DID THAT? WHY WOULD HE--?

I GUESS HE THOUGHT THAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT CHRISTIE.

HOW WOULD YOU EVEN--?

WOW, IS EVERYBODY FUCKING LEFT-HANDED?

YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME?

NO, NOT THE WHOLE TIME.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? - I SHOULD HAVE.

NO, YOU HAVE

YOUR JOB TO THINK ABOUT AND YOUR FRIENDS.

BETH, I QUIT MY JOB.

THOSE AREN'T MY FRIENDS.

IT'S JUST YOU.

BABY, YOU'RE A LITTLE LIGHT HERE.

I KNOW.

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

SORRY, BABY, BUT YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

LOOK, I LOST MY WALLET TONIGHT.

AND I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, I PROMISE.

LISTEN, MOTHERFUCKER,

YOU WILL GET ME MY MOTHERFUCKING MONEY

OR I'M GONNA FUCKING SCREAM UNTIL THE FUCKING COPS COME.

AND THAT WOULD FUCK YOU A LOT MORE THAN IT WOULD FUCK ME.

OKAY, HOW ABOUT WE JUST CALM DOWN

AND I'LL FIND A WAY TO GET YOUR MONEY FOR YOU, OKAY?

JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

OKAY, BABY, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

IRV, HOW'S IT GOING?

YOU CAN'T GO UP THERE, SON.

I JUST NEED TO TALK TO CHRISTIE FOR A SECOND.

YOU'RE NO LONGER ON THE GUEST LIST.

IRV, MY MAN,

I'M UP THERE ALL THE TIME.

DONNY, SHOW THIS MAN TO THE DOOR.

[ thunder crashing ]

[ rain pattering ]

[ buzzes ]

[ intercom buzzing ]

[ door opens ]

[ footsteps ]

I FELL SORRY FOR YOU, TOMMY.

I DO.

THANKS, BABY.

TWO STOPS, PLEASE.

Tommy's voice: SO THAT'S HOW WE GOT HERE.

IT'S NOT PRETTY,

I KNOW.

I REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LEFT TO SAY FOR MYSELF.

MAYBE THAT'S A START.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

CHRIS BAKER--

HE KEEPS ASKING ME TO JOIN HIM IN HIS NEW PLACE,

BUT I'M JUST NOT SURE THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN UP IN A HOT-AIR BALLOON?

WHAT?

NEVER MIND.

♪ YES, I THINK WE'VE MET BEFORE ♪

♪ IN THAT INSTANT IT STARTED TO POUR ♪

♪ CAPTURED A TAXI

♪ DESPITE ALL THE RAIN

♪ WE DROVE IN SILENCE

♪ ACROSS PONT CHAMPLAIN

♪ AND ALL OF THAT TIME

♪ YOU THOUGHT I WAS SAD

♪ I WAS TRYING TO REMEMBER ♪

♪ YOUR NAME.

Woman: TOMMY.

BUON GIORNO, CARISSIMA.

WHY DID YOU COME BACK IN THAT RESTAURANT

FOR MY NUMBER?

I JUST COULDN'T BE WITH THAT OTHER GIRL

WHEN ALL I WANTED WAS TO TALK TO YOU.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HER ANYWAY?

IT JUST WASN'T RIGHT.

WHEN YOU FLIPPED THAT COIN

AND I SAID I WANTED TO STAY,

I DON'T THINK I REALIZED IT THEN,

BUT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU WHEN I SAID IT.

I KNOW.

SO WHAT WAS IT?

WHAT WAS WHAT?

HEADS OR TAILS?

STAY OR LEAVE?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

♪ THERE'S ONE THING I WANT TO SAY ♪

♪ SO I'LL BE BRAVE

♪ YOU WERE WHAT I WANTED ♪

♪ I GAVE WHAT I GAVE

♪ I'M NOT SORRY I MET YOU ♪

♪ I'M NOT SORRY IT'S OVER ♪

♪ I'M NOT SORRY THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE ♪

♪ I'M NOT SORRY

♪ THERE'S NOTHING TO SAVE

[ song continues ]

[ pop song playing ]

♪ HALLIE SAYS THAT SHE WANTS TO STAY UP TILL THE SUN ♪

♪ "LET'S MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE COOL KIDS ♪

♪ JUST THIS ONCE"

♪ SHE SAYS

♪ AND DOESN'T BLINK AT ALL ♪

♪ "LET'S GO NON-EGO ID, DON CAPES LIKE WE'RE KIDS" ♪

♪ BUT THAT HENRY-- HE'S SUCH A HATER ♪

♪ AND HE WISHES SHE'D JUST STAY BORED AS HIM ♪

♪ BUT NOW HALLIE'S GONNA POP ♪

♪ UNLESS THAT HENRY LEARNS TO STOP ♪

♪ WITH ALL HIS DOUBLE DIRTY DOWNER LOOKING ON ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE HE'S LIVING IN A ROCK ♪

♪ OR LIKE HE'S MOPPING UP THE FLOOR ♪

♪ WITH HIS HEAD WHILE THE MOP WATCHES ON ♪

♪ "LET'S GO FASTER THAN LIGHT ♪

♪ LET'S GO BACK TO THE START ♪

♪ BECOME WHAT WE HATE WITH THE FLOODLIGHTS ON ♪

♪ GO SUMMON THE DEAD

♪ AND BUILD FIRES IN THE YARD" ♪

♪ BUT WHAT LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER ♪

♪ LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER

♪ BUT THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE ♪

♪ THE OTHER HARE-BRAINED SCHEMES OF YOURS ♪

♪ BUT NOW HALLIE'S GONNA POP ♪

♪ UNLESS THAT HENRY LEARNS TO STOP ♪

♪ WITH ALL HIS DOUBLE DIRTY DOWNER LOOKING ON ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE HE'S LIVING IN A ROCK ♪

♪ OR LIKE HE'S MOPPING UP THE FLOOR WITH HIS HEAD ♪

♪ WHILE THE MOP WATCHES ON. ♪

[ song continues ]