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1
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MADGE".
No,Ngozi.
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00:00:21,458 --> 00:00:23,500
And I'm not going to tell you again.
3
00:00:23,583 --> 00:00:25,042
You never let me do anything!
4
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:27,083
Just cos you want us
to end up like you!
5
00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:29,417
You tit-less cow.
6
00:00:31,625 --> 00:00:32,833
(DOOR SLAMS)
7
00:00:38,208 --> 00:00:40,917
(SOFT REFLECTIVE MUSIC)
8
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,583
NGOZI (VO): My mother was born
in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
9
00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:49,292
on November 17th, 1929.
10
00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:55,125
Her life was unremarkable
and uncomplicated.
11
00:00:58,917 --> 00:01:01,667
In 1957, she married my father
12
00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:04,542
a young Nigerian medical student.
13
00:01:05,750 --> 00:01:08,917
After he qualified,
our family went to live in Africa.
14
00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:17,083
Three years later,
Nigeria was being ripped apart by civil war
15
00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,333
and my mother was pregnant.
16
00:01:20,792 --> 00:01:22,667
(swans suns)
17
00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:28,083
So my father sent us back
to England without him.
18
00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:36,750
We would never live as a family again.
19
00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:41,208
(GENTLE MELODY PLAYS
FROM MUSIC BOX)
20
00:01:49,083 --> 00:01:50,792
MALE VOICE:
It's important for you to realise
21
00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:52,750
that you're far from being the first woman
22
00:01:52,833 --> 00:01:55,417
to face the prospect of losing a breast.
23
00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:58,542
So many breasts
are surgically removed each week
24
00:01:58,708 --> 00:02:01,083
that one hospital nursing officer said
25
00:02:01,292 --> 00:02:04,167
"These days, we do more
mastectomies in this place
26
00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:05,583
"than tonsillectomies."
27
00:02:09,417 --> 00:02:11,583
(CHILDREN PLAY OUTSIDE)
28
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,417
(CHAIR CREAKS)
29
00:02:27,208 --> 00:02:29,750
MADGE (VO): For five months,
they grew inside of me.
30
00:02:30,042 --> 00:02:32,625
The cancer and the child.
31
00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:36,000
Life and death fighting
for possession of my body.
32
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:42,042
Each day, as they grew stronger,
I must grow weaker.
33
00:02:43,917 --> 00:02:46,750
But I had felt the foetus move inside me.
34
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,125
It had become my child.
35
00:02:49,417 --> 00:02:52,083
Nothing and no one was going to harm it.
36
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:57,125
NGOZI (VO): So my mother
kept what she knew to herself.
37
00:03:00,292 --> 00:03:02,125
But the pain hounded her
38
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,333
crucified her.
39
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,875
(BABY CRIES)
40
00:03:27,417 --> 00:03:28,500
NGOZI:
Mummy?
41
00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:33,083
You're alright, Mrs Onwurah.
42
00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:34,167
Can you keep still?
43
00:03:36,958 --> 00:03:39,167
MEDIC:
Everything's just going to be alright.
44
00:03:39,292 --> 00:03:41,375
Just keep calm and try and relax.
45
00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,208
NURSE:
Lie still, dear, lie still.
46
00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:45,333
Lie still now.
47
00:03:45,417 --> 00:03:47,667
NGOZI:
Where are they going?
48
00:03:48,417 --> 00:03:49,375
Mummy?
49
00:03:49,458 --> 00:03:50,500
Mummy!
50
00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:51,708
Mummy!
51
00:03:51,958 --> 00:03:53,667
(SHE SCREAMS)
52
00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:57,458
MADGE (VO): Two days after
I had given birth to my son
53
00:03:57,542 --> 00:03:59,958
the doctors removed my breast.
54
00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:03,625
The price they had demanded
in return for my life.
55
00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:08,958
Don't worry, pet.
56
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,583
Your mam will be OK.
57
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:24,208
MALE VOICE: When packing
your hospital requirements
58
00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,542
include a few tiny safety pins
59
00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,417
a needle, some thread
60
00:04:28,625 --> 00:04:31,333
some of your husband's large,
white handkerchiefs
61
00:04:31,583 --> 00:04:34,583
and a pure silk scarf, if you have one.
62
00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:39,042
This kit is to help you experiment
with a temporary breast form
63
00:04:39,125 --> 00:04:43,208
so that you leave the hospital feeling
at least partially compensated.
64
00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:49,792
NGOZI (VO): I can remember
visiting my mother in hospital
65
00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:52,000
trying to be a big girl.
66
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,833
Trying not to cry.
67
00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:10,500
When she pulled me towards her
68
00:05:11,208 --> 00:05:12,958
I could count her eyelashes.
69
00:05:21,583 --> 00:05:23,375
WOMAN:
It's time to go now.
70
00:05:29,958 --> 00:05:31,542
Say goodnight to your mam.
71
00:05:31,625 --> 00:05:33,042
Night, night.
72
00:05:45,375 --> 00:05:46,458
(DOOR SHUTS)
73
00:05:50,875 --> 00:05:53,208
NGOZI (VO):
Separated from her children
74
00:05:53,292 --> 00:05:55,208
my mother lay on her own.
75
00:05:56,292 --> 00:05:59,875
Inside the silence,
a newborn baby screamed
76
00:05:59,958 --> 00:06:02,167
for the milk her breasts would not provide
77
00:06:03,208 --> 00:06:04,917
and inside the darkness
78
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:07,750
rheumatism crept into her body.
79
00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:10,792
(CHILDREN SHOUT)
80
00:06:11,542 --> 00:06:14,250
MADGE (VO): My children
grew strong and healthy
81
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,625
and I watched them grow with pride.
82
00:06:17,292 --> 00:06:19,500
It was almost possible to love my scars
83
00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:21,875
for each day it had allowed me with them.
84
00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:27,625
But rheumatoid arthritis
was cruel, unlovable.
85
00:06:28,292 --> 00:06:30,083
It seeped through my body
86
00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:32,000
diminishing my strength
87
00:06:32,333 --> 00:06:34,542
trapping me inside a painful enemy.
88
00:06:34,625 --> 00:06:36,083
Come on then. Come on.
89
00:06:37,083 --> 00:06:38,125
Come on.
90
00:06:39,583 --> 00:06:41,750
MADGE (VO):
Men belong to another life.
91
00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:44,417
The children were my shield
92
00:06:44,542 --> 00:06:47,625
protecting me from rejection and disgust
93
00:06:47,792 --> 00:06:50,667
but most of all, protecting me from pity.
94
00:06:51,625 --> 00:06:53,583
Come on, you two!
It's time to go.
95
00:06:54,917 --> 00:06:57,500
NGOZI (VO): Pain had become
an everyday occurrence.
96
00:06:59,875 --> 00:07:02,542
As children, we barely noticed.
97
00:07:07,958 --> 00:07:11,083
She was just a bit slower
than the other mothers.
98
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,375
There were some things
she needed help with.
99
00:07:13,458 --> 00:07:14,958
MADGE:
Oh, no, that's me eyes!
100
00:07:15,292 --> 00:07:16,417
And me mouth.
101
00:07:16,542 --> 00:07:18,333
NGOZI (VO):
We became totally accustomed
102
00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:20,667
to the sight of my mother's naked body.
103
00:07:20,833 --> 00:07:22,417
Can you rinse it off now, then?
104
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:23,500
Yeah.
105
00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:30,833
Oh... It's all in my mouth now.
106
00:07:31,292 --> 00:07:33,167
Serves you right for moaning.
107
00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:34,583
(SHE LAUGHS)
108
00:07:36,417 --> 00:07:38,833
(CAMERA CLICKS RAPIDLY)
109
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,583
(WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH)
110
00:07:48,542 --> 00:07:51,042
NGOZI (VO):
At 16, I began modelling.
111
00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:54,667
It was fun, it paid well,
and I got to travel.
112
00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,208
I donned designer silk so sheer
113
00:07:58,292 --> 00:07:59,458
that they veiled nothing.
114
00:08:00,750 --> 00:08:04,375
AMERICAN MAN: The '90s woman
no longer has to sacrifice her femininity
115
00:08:04,542 --> 00:08:07,083
in order to be taken seriously
in the boardroom.
116
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:08,875
(WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH)
117
00:08:08,958 --> 00:08:11,667
WOMAN".
Stretch-fitted, super sexy dresses.
118
00:08:11,750 --> 00:08:14,625
Uncomplicated cruise wear
with a flirtatious edge.
119
00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:18,583
(WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH)
120
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,042
WOMAN". Something to get
really excited about this spring
121
00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:24,708
curves are back.
122
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,375
(WOMAN SPEAKS ITALIAN)
123
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:30,708
(CAMERA CLICKS RAPIDLY)
124
00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,833
MADGE (VO): I had given birth
to the model daughter.
125
00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:37,917
I watched as she joined
that elite breed of women
126
00:08:38,542 --> 00:08:40,333
pencilled in by men
127
00:08:40,708 --> 00:08:43,208
who define a sliding scale of beauty
128
00:08:43,417 --> 00:08:45,833
that stops at women like me.
129
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,125
(CAMERA CLICKS)
130
00:08:47,583 --> 00:08:49,708
(UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)
131
00:08:58,417 --> 00:09:02,125
Somewhere, between the mastectomy
and the rheumatism
132
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,667
I had been neutered.
133
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,125
(CAMERA CLICKS)
134
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:08,750
(MUSIC STOPS)
135
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,708
But my life, as I had defined it,
was full.
136
00:09:20,792 --> 00:09:22,125
I had dignity.
137
00:09:22,375 --> 00:09:25,500
I lived my life,
and my children lived theirs
138
00:09:25,875 --> 00:09:27,667
inviting me in for visits.
139
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:31,250
Oh, come on, Mum!
Don't be so uptight.
140
00:09:31,958 --> 00:09:34,583
NGOZI (VO):
"Don't be so uptight," I told her.
141
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:37,000
But she didn't want to come.
142
00:09:37,458 --> 00:09:39,250
I thought she was a prude.
143
00:09:39,875 --> 00:09:41,500
I'd just come back from Sweden
144
00:09:41,583 --> 00:09:44,583
where even 90-year-old grannies
went to saunas.
145
00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:46,750
They weren't embarrassed.
146
00:09:47,292 --> 00:09:48,958
Naked was natural.
147
00:09:49,250 --> 00:09:51,167
We were all women of the world.
148
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,000
Hang-ups were out.
149
00:09:56,583 --> 00:09:58,417
I was 17 years old.
150
00:09:58,917 --> 00:10:00,583
I didn't have a clue.
151
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,083
(WATER SIZZLES)
152
00:11:41,375 --> 00:11:43,042
I remember that day in the sauna
153
00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:46,458
as the first time my mother
appeared before me as a woman.
154
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,917
I was forced to see her as others might.
155
00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:04,833
(SUDDEN THUD)
156
00:12:16,958 --> 00:12:18,875
(ARCADE MACHINES BLEEP)
157
00:12:22,625 --> 00:12:24,750
Hey, Matty. Gi' us ten pence, go on.
158
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,917
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
159
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,125
Fucking shot, man!
160
00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,000
(HE EXCLAIMS)
161
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:37,417
Hey, that's a shot. Jammy.
162
00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:39,917
(MEN LAUGH)
163
00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:41,417
MAN:
Pathetic.
164
00:12:41,542 --> 00:12:43,083
Sit on this one. Turn around.
165
00:12:43,208 --> 00:12:44,750
(THEY LAUGH)
166
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:51,167
Fucking hell, man.
Look at the tits on this one, eh?
167
00:12:53,292 --> 00:12:54,875
- Not bad.
- (HE LAUGHS)
168
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:56,958
Aye. Ah, shame about the face.
169
00:12:57,875 --> 00:12:59,542
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
170
00:12:59,708 --> 00:13:01,208
Leave it out! She looks good.
171
00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:06,000
Better than the bloody pair
of fried eggs I had last night.
172
00:13:07,375 --> 00:13:08,875
MAN:
Just get on with the game.
173
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,250
MAN 2:
You are a puff then.
174
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:11,792
(MEN SNIGGER)
175
00:13:15,542 --> 00:13:17,625
MADGE (VO):
I saw the look in his eyes
176
00:13:17,708 --> 00:13:20,583
and remembered it from
somewhere in the past.
177
00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:25,583
A youth, a mere boy.
178
00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:29,833
I wanted him for his very ordinariness.
179
00:13:30,917 --> 00:13:33,000
His outrageous normality.
180
00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:49,417
A single caress from him
181
00:13:49,542 --> 00:13:51,542
would smooth out the deformities.
182
00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:06,667
Give me back the right
to be desired for my body
183
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:08,500
and not in spite of it.
184
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:15,042
A forbidden fantasy,
a fairy tale with no beginning.
185
00:15:02,375 --> 00:15:04,250
(NGOZI LAUGHS)
186
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:53,917
MALE VOICE:
It's important for you to realise
187
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,000
that you are far from being
the first woman
188
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:58,542
to face the prospect of losing a breast.
189
00:16:00,583 --> 00:16:02,792
MAN:
Keep calm and try and relax.
190
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:08,958
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Hey, come on.
191
00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:10,208
They've gone all soft.
192
00:16:10,292 --> 00:16:11,792
Let's get 'em nice and hard.
193
00:16:14,042 --> 00:16:15,875
Yeah, that's nice.
194
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,458
NGOZI:
Oh, come on, Mum.
195
00:16:27,542 --> 00:16:29,083
Don't be so uptight.
196
00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:32,500
Come on, get your shoulders back.
197
00:16:32,708 --> 00:16:34,500
Chin up, eyes UP-
198
00:16:34,917 --> 00:16:36,042
Lovely.
199
00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:37,958
- Yeah, man!
- (CAMERA CLICKS)
200
00:16:38,042 --> 00:16:39,250
We're on the road!
201
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,583
(CAMERA CLICKS)
202
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,750
No, no, no, no. That's too wet.
203
00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:45,625
Let's start again.
Pump it up, people. Come on, come on.
204
00:16:46,083 --> 00:16:47,417
NGOZI:
Oh, come on, Mum.
205
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:48,542
Don't be so uptight.
206
00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,208
PHOTOGRAPHER".
Power up the wind machine.
207
00:16:51,958 --> 00:16:52,958
(CAMERA CLICKS)
208
00:16:53,083 --> 00:16:54,792
Come on, really go for it!
209
00:16:55,625 --> 00:16:57,250
Now we're burning.
210
00:16:57,958 --> 00:16:59,208
Jack it up a bit.
211
00:16:59,292 --> 00:17:00,500
Give me sex.
212
00:17:00,583 --> 00:17:01,833
Give me passion!
213
00:17:01,958 --> 00:17:03,000
(CAMERA CLICKS)
214
00:17:03,125 --> 00:17:04,250
Use your eyes.
215
00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:05,458
Spot your prey-
216
00:17:06,333 --> 00:17:07,500
NGOZI:
You tit-less cow!
217
00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:09,000
Mummy, Mummy, Mummy.
218
00:17:09,417 --> 00:17:10,667
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Use your hair.
219
00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:12,333
Use those lips.
220
00:17:13,583 --> 00:17:14,875
NGOZI:
Touch her!
221
00:17:14,958 --> 00:17:16,250
Tit-less cow.
222
00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:18,083
- Touch her!
- Tit-less.
223
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,208
Touch her!
224
00:17:19,583 --> 00:17:21,208
Do it, you bastard!
225
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,750
- Mummy, mummy!
- Touch her!
226
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:24,917
Stop it.
227
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,333
Both of you, stop it.
228
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,750
Bastard!
229
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,792
- Touch her!
- Stop it, stop it!
230
00:17:59,917 --> 00:18:02,375
NGOZI (VO): Gazing at your
newly-rounded bosom
231
00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:04,000
and curving hips
232
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,458
your mother smiles with pride.
233
00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:10,708
When you bear the red fountain
flowing secretly
234
00:18:10,958 --> 00:18:13,167
painfully from the aroused womb
235
00:18:14,875 --> 00:18:17,292
she embraces you and whispers
236
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,875
"This is our shared body.
237
00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:22,708
"And this is our blood."
238
00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:34,833
I stood there and tried to imagine
239
00:18:34,917 --> 00:18:37,250
what it would be like to have no breasts.
240
00:18:39,125 --> 00:18:40,833
But it was pointless.
241
00:18:41,542 --> 00:18:45,250
Like closing your eyes to imagine
what it was like being blind
242
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,083
then opening them again.
243
00:18:49,417 --> 00:18:50,500
(SUDDEN SNAP)
244
00:18:50,917 --> 00:18:52,958
The whole point about blindness
245
00:18:53,292 --> 00:18:56,083
is knowing that you can never
open your eyes again.
246
00:19:04,917 --> 00:19:06,583
(DOOR CREAKS)
247
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:15,667
For 17 years, I had seen her
simply as my mother.
248
00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:20,333
Sexless, shapeless, safe.
249
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:38,625
Mum.
250
00:19:40,167 --> 00:19:42,417
NGOZI (VO):
I wanted to tell her that I loved her.
251
00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,708
That I was sorry.
252
00:19:45,625 --> 00:19:47,292
But the words wouldn't come.
253
00:19:50,208 --> 00:19:53,875
For the truth was
that if she hadn't been my mother
254
00:19:54,583 --> 00:19:58,292
if I hadn't loved her
or known her incredible strength
255
00:20:01,625 --> 00:20:04,125
if I hadn't come from inside that body
256
00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:06,125
that everyone wanted hidden away
257
00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:10,375
then I, too, would have turned away.
258
00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:30,875
I thought I knew something
about being a woman
259
00:20:31,375 --> 00:20:35,167
how fantasies were shaped,
bodies defined.
260
00:20:36,542 --> 00:20:38,958
I know now that these were only clues.
261
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:42,333
(swans suns)
262
00:20:44,208 --> 00:20:46,667
A child is made in its parent's image
263
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,917
but to a world that sees
only in black and white
264
00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:54,250
I was made only in the image of my father.
265
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,917
Yet she has moulded me
266
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:02,875
created the curves
and contours of my life
267
00:21:04,417 --> 00:21:07,125
coloured the innermost details
of my being.
268
00:21:08,583 --> 00:21:11,625
She has fought for me, protected me
269
00:21:12,167 --> 00:21:15,250
with every painful,
crooked bone in her body.
270
00:21:17,292 --> 00:21:20,292
She lives inside me
and cannot be separated.
271
00:21:23,292 --> 00:21:25,375
I may not be reflected in her image
272
00:21:26,833 --> 00:21:29,083
but my mother is mirrored in my soul.
273
00:21:31,417 --> 00:21:34,375
I am my mother's daughter
for the rest of my life.
20505
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