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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,333 --> 00:00:21,375 MADGE". No,Ngozi. 2 00:00:21,458 --> 00:00:23,500 And I'm not going to tell you again. 3 00:00:23,583 --> 00:00:25,042 You never let me do anything! 4 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:27,083 Just cos you want us to end up like you! 5 00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:29,417 You tit-less cow. 6 00:00:31,625 --> 00:00:32,833 (DOOR SLAMS) 7 00:00:38,208 --> 00:00:40,917 (SOFT REFLECTIVE MUSIC) 8 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,583 NGOZI (VO): My mother was born in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne 9 00:00:46,667 --> 00:00:49,292 on November 17th, 1929. 10 00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:55,125 Her life was unremarkable and uncomplicated. 11 00:00:58,917 --> 00:01:01,667 In 1957, she married my father 12 00:01:01,958 --> 00:01:04,542 a young Nigerian medical student. 13 00:01:05,750 --> 00:01:08,917 After he qualified, our family went to live in Africa. 14 00:01:13,417 --> 00:01:17,083 Three years later, Nigeria was being ripped apart by civil war 15 00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,333 and my mother was pregnant. 16 00:01:20,792 --> 00:01:22,667 (swans suns) 17 00:01:25,125 --> 00:01:28,083 So my father sent us back to England without him. 18 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:36,750 We would never live as a family again. 19 00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:41,208 (GENTLE MELODY PLAYS FROM MUSIC BOX) 20 00:01:49,083 --> 00:01:50,792 MALE VOICE: It's important for you to realise 21 00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:52,750 that you're far from being the first woman 22 00:01:52,833 --> 00:01:55,417 to face the prospect of losing a breast. 23 00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:58,542 So many breasts are surgically removed each week 24 00:01:58,708 --> 00:02:01,083 that one hospital nursing officer said 25 00:02:01,292 --> 00:02:04,167 "These days, we do more mastectomies in this place 26 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:05,583 "than tonsillectomies." 27 00:02:09,417 --> 00:02:11,583 (CHILDREN PLAY OUTSIDE) 28 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,417 (CHAIR CREAKS) 29 00:02:27,208 --> 00:02:29,750 MADGE (VO): For five months, they grew inside of me. 30 00:02:30,042 --> 00:02:32,625 The cancer and the child. 31 00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:36,000 Life and death fighting for possession of my body. 32 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:42,042 Each day, as they grew stronger, I must grow weaker. 33 00:02:43,917 --> 00:02:46,750 But I had felt the foetus move inside me. 34 00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:49,125 It had become my child. 35 00:02:49,417 --> 00:02:52,083 Nothing and no one was going to harm it. 36 00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:57,125 NGOZI (VO): So my mother kept what she knew to herself. 37 00:03:00,292 --> 00:03:02,125 But the pain hounded her 38 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,333 crucified her. 39 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,875 (BABY CRIES) 40 00:03:27,417 --> 00:03:28,500 NGOZI: Mummy? 41 00:03:30,833 --> 00:03:33,083 You're alright, Mrs Onwurah. 42 00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:34,167 Can you keep still? 43 00:03:36,958 --> 00:03:39,167 MEDIC: Everything's just going to be alright. 44 00:03:39,292 --> 00:03:41,375 Just keep calm and try and relax. 45 00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:44,208 NURSE: Lie still, dear, lie still. 46 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:45,333 Lie still now. 47 00:03:45,417 --> 00:03:47,667 NGOZI: Where are they going? 48 00:03:48,417 --> 00:03:49,375 Mummy? 49 00:03:49,458 --> 00:03:50,500 Mummy! 50 00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:51,708 Mummy! 51 00:03:51,958 --> 00:03:53,667 (SHE SCREAMS) 52 00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:57,458 MADGE (VO): Two days after I had given birth to my son 53 00:03:57,542 --> 00:03:59,958 the doctors removed my breast. 54 00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:03,625 The price they had demanded in return for my life. 55 00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:08,958 Don't worry, pet. 56 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,583 Your mam will be OK. 57 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:24,208 MALE VOICE: When packing your hospital requirements 58 00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,542 include a few tiny safety pins 59 00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,417 a needle, some thread 60 00:04:28,625 --> 00:04:31,333 some of your husband's large, white handkerchiefs 61 00:04:31,583 --> 00:04:34,583 and a pure silk scarf, if you have one. 62 00:04:35,250 --> 00:04:39,042 This kit is to help you experiment with a temporary breast form 63 00:04:39,125 --> 00:04:43,208 so that you leave the hospital feeling at least partially compensated. 64 00:04:46,792 --> 00:04:49,792 NGOZI (VO): I can remember visiting my mother in hospital 65 00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:52,000 trying to be a big girl. 66 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,833 Trying not to cry. 67 00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:10,500 When she pulled me towards her 68 00:05:11,208 --> 00:05:12,958 I could count her eyelashes. 69 00:05:21,583 --> 00:05:23,375 WOMAN: It's time to go now. 70 00:05:29,958 --> 00:05:31,542 Say goodnight to your mam. 71 00:05:31,625 --> 00:05:33,042 Night, night. 72 00:05:45,375 --> 00:05:46,458 (DOOR SHUTS) 73 00:05:50,875 --> 00:05:53,208 NGOZI (VO): Separated from her children 74 00:05:53,292 --> 00:05:55,208 my mother lay on her own. 75 00:05:56,292 --> 00:05:59,875 Inside the silence, a newborn baby screamed 76 00:05:59,958 --> 00:06:02,167 for the milk her breasts would not provide 77 00:06:03,208 --> 00:06:04,917 and inside the darkness 78 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:07,750 rheumatism crept into her body. 79 00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:10,792 (CHILDREN SHOUT) 80 00:06:11,542 --> 00:06:14,250 MADGE (VO): My children grew strong and healthy 81 00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,625 and I watched them grow with pride. 82 00:06:17,292 --> 00:06:19,500 It was almost possible to love my scars 83 00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:21,875 for each day it had allowed me with them. 84 00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:27,625 But rheumatoid arthritis was cruel, unlovable. 85 00:06:28,292 --> 00:06:30,083 It seeped through my body 86 00:06:30,167 --> 00:06:32,000 diminishing my strength 87 00:06:32,333 --> 00:06:34,542 trapping me inside a painful enemy. 88 00:06:34,625 --> 00:06:36,083 Come on then. Come on. 89 00:06:37,083 --> 00:06:38,125 Come on. 90 00:06:39,583 --> 00:06:41,750 MADGE (VO): Men belong to another life. 91 00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:44,417 The children were my shield 92 00:06:44,542 --> 00:06:47,625 protecting me from rejection and disgust 93 00:06:47,792 --> 00:06:50,667 but most of all, protecting me from pity. 94 00:06:51,625 --> 00:06:53,583 Come on, you two! It's time to go. 95 00:06:54,917 --> 00:06:57,500 NGOZI (VO): Pain had become an everyday occurrence. 96 00:06:59,875 --> 00:07:02,542 As children, we barely noticed. 97 00:07:07,958 --> 00:07:11,083 She was just a bit slower than the other mothers. 98 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,375 There were some things she needed help with. 99 00:07:13,458 --> 00:07:14,958 MADGE: Oh, no, that's me eyes! 100 00:07:15,292 --> 00:07:16,417 And me mouth. 101 00:07:16,542 --> 00:07:18,333 NGOZI (VO): We became totally accustomed 102 00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:20,667 to the sight of my mother's naked body. 103 00:07:20,833 --> 00:07:22,417 Can you rinse it off now, then? 104 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:23,500 Yeah. 105 00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:30,833 Oh... It's all in my mouth now. 106 00:07:31,292 --> 00:07:33,167 Serves you right for moaning. 107 00:07:33,333 --> 00:07:34,583 (SHE LAUGHS) 108 00:07:36,417 --> 00:07:38,833 (CAMERA CLICKS RAPIDLY) 109 00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,583 (WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH) 110 00:07:48,542 --> 00:07:51,042 NGOZI (VO): At 16, I began modelling. 111 00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:54,667 It was fun, it paid well, and I got to travel. 112 00:07:56,042 --> 00:07:58,208 I donned designer silk so sheer 113 00:07:58,292 --> 00:07:59,458 that they veiled nothing. 114 00:08:00,750 --> 00:08:04,375 AMERICAN MAN: The '90s woman no longer has to sacrifice her femininity 115 00:08:04,542 --> 00:08:07,083 in order to be taken seriously in the boardroom. 116 00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:08,875 (WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH) 117 00:08:08,958 --> 00:08:11,667 WOMAN". Stretch-fitted, super sexy dresses. 118 00:08:11,750 --> 00:08:14,625 Uncomplicated cruise wear with a flirtatious edge. 119 00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:18,583 (WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH) 120 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,042 WOMAN". Something to get really excited about this spring 121 00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:24,708 curves are back. 122 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,375 (WOMAN SPEAKS ITALIAN) 123 00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:30,708 (CAMERA CLICKS RAPIDLY) 124 00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,833 MADGE (VO): I had given birth to the model daughter. 125 00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:37,917 I watched as she joined that elite breed of women 126 00:08:38,542 --> 00:08:40,333 pencilled in by men 127 00:08:40,708 --> 00:08:43,208 who define a sliding scale of beauty 128 00:08:43,417 --> 00:08:45,833 that stops at women like me. 129 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,125 (CAMERA CLICKS) 130 00:08:47,583 --> 00:08:49,708 (UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) 131 00:08:58,417 --> 00:09:02,125 Somewhere, between the mastectomy and the rheumatism 132 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,667 I had been neutered. 133 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,125 (CAMERA CLICKS) 134 00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:08,750 (MUSIC STOPS) 135 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,708 But my life, as I had defined it, was full. 136 00:09:20,792 --> 00:09:22,125 I had dignity. 137 00:09:22,375 --> 00:09:25,500 I lived my life, and my children lived theirs 138 00:09:25,875 --> 00:09:27,667 inviting me in for visits. 139 00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:31,250 Oh, come on, Mum! Don't be so uptight. 140 00:09:31,958 --> 00:09:34,583 NGOZI (VO): "Don't be so uptight," I told her. 141 00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:37,000 But she didn't want to come. 142 00:09:37,458 --> 00:09:39,250 I thought she was a prude. 143 00:09:39,875 --> 00:09:41,500 I'd just come back from Sweden 144 00:09:41,583 --> 00:09:44,583 where even 90-year-old grannies went to saunas. 145 00:09:45,125 --> 00:09:46,750 They weren't embarrassed. 146 00:09:47,292 --> 00:09:48,958 Naked was natural. 147 00:09:49,250 --> 00:09:51,167 We were all women of the world. 148 00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:53,000 Hang-ups were out. 149 00:09:56,583 --> 00:09:58,417 I was 17 years old. 150 00:09:58,917 --> 00:10:00,583 I didn't have a clue. 151 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:05,083 (WATER SIZZLES) 152 00:11:41,375 --> 00:11:43,042 I remember that day in the sauna 153 00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:46,458 as the first time my mother appeared before me as a woman. 154 00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,917 I was forced to see her as others might. 155 00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:04,833 (SUDDEN THUD) 156 00:12:16,958 --> 00:12:18,875 (ARCADE MACHINES BLEEP) 157 00:12:22,625 --> 00:12:24,750 Hey, Matty. Gi' us ten pence, go on. 158 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,917 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 159 00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,125 Fucking shot, man! 160 00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:31,000 (HE EXCLAIMS) 161 00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:37,417 Hey, that's a shot. Jammy. 162 00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:39,917 (MEN LAUGH) 163 00:12:40,292 --> 00:12:41,417 MAN: Pathetic. 164 00:12:41,542 --> 00:12:43,083 Sit on this one. Turn around. 165 00:12:43,208 --> 00:12:44,750 (THEY LAUGH) 166 00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:51,167 Fucking hell, man. Look at the tits on this one, eh? 167 00:12:53,292 --> 00:12:54,875 - Not bad. - (HE LAUGHS) 168 00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:56,958 Aye. Ah, shame about the face. 169 00:12:57,875 --> 00:12:59,542 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 170 00:12:59,708 --> 00:13:01,208 Leave it out! She looks good. 171 00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:06,000 Better than the bloody pair of fried eggs I had last night. 172 00:13:07,375 --> 00:13:08,875 MAN: Just get on with the game. 173 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,250 MAN 2: You are a puff then. 174 00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:11,792 (MEN SNIGGER) 175 00:13:15,542 --> 00:13:17,625 MADGE (VO): I saw the look in his eyes 176 00:13:17,708 --> 00:13:20,583 and remembered it from somewhere in the past. 177 00:13:23,625 --> 00:13:25,583 A youth, a mere boy. 178 00:13:27,042 --> 00:13:29,833 I wanted him for his very ordinariness. 179 00:13:30,917 --> 00:13:33,000 His outrageous normality. 180 00:13:47,708 --> 00:13:49,417 A single caress from him 181 00:13:49,542 --> 00:13:51,542 would smooth out the deformities. 182 00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:06,667 Give me back the right to be desired for my body 183 00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:08,500 and not in spite of it. 184 00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:15,042 A forbidden fantasy, a fairy tale with no beginning. 185 00:15:02,375 --> 00:15:04,250 (NGOZI LAUGHS) 186 00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:53,917 MALE VOICE: It's important for you to realise 187 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,000 that you are far from being the first woman 188 00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:58,542 to face the prospect of losing a breast. 189 00:16:00,583 --> 00:16:02,792 MAN: Keep calm and try and relax. 190 00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:08,958 PHOTOGRAPHER: Hey, come on. 191 00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:10,208 They've gone all soft. 192 00:16:10,292 --> 00:16:11,792 Let's get 'em nice and hard. 193 00:16:14,042 --> 00:16:15,875 Yeah, that's nice. 194 00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,458 NGOZI: Oh, come on, Mum. 195 00:16:27,542 --> 00:16:29,083 Don't be so uptight. 196 00:16:30,833 --> 00:16:32,500 Come on, get your shoulders back. 197 00:16:32,708 --> 00:16:34,500 Chin up, eyes UP- 198 00:16:34,917 --> 00:16:36,042 Lovely. 199 00:16:36,667 --> 00:16:37,958 - Yeah, man! - (CAMERA CLICKS) 200 00:16:38,042 --> 00:16:39,250 We're on the road! 201 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,583 (CAMERA CLICKS) 202 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:42,750 No, no, no, no. That's too wet. 203 00:16:42,833 --> 00:16:45,625 Let's start again. Pump it up, people. Come on, come on. 204 00:16:46,083 --> 00:16:47,417 NGOZI: Oh, come on, Mum. 205 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:48,542 Don't be so uptight. 206 00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,208 PHOTOGRAPHER". Power up the wind machine. 207 00:16:51,958 --> 00:16:52,958 (CAMERA CLICKS) 208 00:16:53,083 --> 00:16:54,792 Come on, really go for it! 209 00:16:55,625 --> 00:16:57,250 Now we're burning. 210 00:16:57,958 --> 00:16:59,208 Jack it up a bit. 211 00:16:59,292 --> 00:17:00,500 Give me sex. 212 00:17:00,583 --> 00:17:01,833 Give me passion! 213 00:17:01,958 --> 00:17:03,000 (CAMERA CLICKS) 214 00:17:03,125 --> 00:17:04,250 Use your eyes. 215 00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:05,458 Spot your prey- 216 00:17:06,333 --> 00:17:07,500 NGOZI: You tit-less cow! 217 00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:09,000 Mummy, Mummy, Mummy. 218 00:17:09,417 --> 00:17:10,667 PHOTOGRAPHER: Use your hair. 219 00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:12,333 Use those lips. 220 00:17:13,583 --> 00:17:14,875 NGOZI: Touch her! 221 00:17:14,958 --> 00:17:16,250 Tit-less cow. 222 00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:18,083 - Touch her! - Tit-less. 223 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:19,208 Touch her! 224 00:17:19,583 --> 00:17:21,208 Do it, you bastard! 225 00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,750 - Mummy, mummy! - Touch her! 226 00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:24,917 Stop it. 227 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,333 Both of you, stop it. 228 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:27,750 Bastard! 229 00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,792 - Touch her! - Stop it, stop it! 230 00:17:59,917 --> 00:18:02,375 NGOZI (VO): Gazing at your newly-rounded bosom 231 00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:04,000 and curving hips 232 00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:06,458 your mother smiles with pride. 233 00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:10,708 When you bear the red fountain flowing secretly 234 00:18:10,958 --> 00:18:13,167 painfully from the aroused womb 235 00:18:14,875 --> 00:18:17,292 she embraces you and whispers 236 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:19,875 "This is our shared body. 237 00:18:20,917 --> 00:18:22,708 "And this is our blood." 238 00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:34,833 I stood there and tried to imagine 239 00:18:34,917 --> 00:18:37,250 what it would be like to have no breasts. 240 00:18:39,125 --> 00:18:40,833 But it was pointless. 241 00:18:41,542 --> 00:18:45,250 Like closing your eyes to imagine what it was like being blind 242 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,083 then opening them again. 243 00:18:49,417 --> 00:18:50,500 (SUDDEN SNAP) 244 00:18:50,917 --> 00:18:52,958 The whole point about blindness 245 00:18:53,292 --> 00:18:56,083 is knowing that you can never open your eyes again. 246 00:19:04,917 --> 00:19:06,583 (DOOR CREAKS) 247 00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:15,667 For 17 years, I had seen her simply as my mother. 248 00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:20,333 Sexless, shapeless, safe. 249 00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:38,625 Mum. 250 00:19:40,167 --> 00:19:42,417 NGOZI (VO): I wanted to tell her that I loved her. 251 00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,708 That I was sorry. 252 00:19:45,625 --> 00:19:47,292 But the words wouldn't come. 253 00:19:50,208 --> 00:19:53,875 For the truth was that if she hadn't been my mother 254 00:19:54,583 --> 00:19:58,292 if I hadn't loved her or known her incredible strength 255 00:20:01,625 --> 00:20:04,125 if I hadn't come from inside that body 256 00:20:04,208 --> 00:20:06,125 that everyone wanted hidden away 257 00:20:07,333 --> 00:20:10,375 then I, too, would have turned away. 258 00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:30,875 I thought I knew something about being a woman 259 00:20:31,375 --> 00:20:35,167 how fantasies were shaped, bodies defined. 260 00:20:36,542 --> 00:20:38,958 I know now that these were only clues. 261 00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:42,333 (swans suns) 262 00:20:44,208 --> 00:20:46,667 A child is made in its parent's image 263 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,917 but to a world that sees only in black and white 264 00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:54,250 I was made only in the image of my father. 265 00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:58,917 Yet she has moulded me 266 00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:02,875 created the curves and contours of my life 267 00:21:04,417 --> 00:21:07,125 coloured the innermost details of my being. 268 00:21:08,583 --> 00:21:11,625 She has fought for me, protected me 269 00:21:12,167 --> 00:21:15,250 with every painful, crooked bone in her body. 270 00:21:17,292 --> 00:21:20,292 She lives inside me and cannot be separated. 271 00:21:23,292 --> 00:21:25,375 I may not be reflected in her image 272 00:21:26,833 --> 00:21:29,083 but my mother is mirrored in my soul. 273 00:21:31,417 --> 00:21:34,375 I am my mother's daughter for the rest of my life. 20505

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