Original subtitles

Excellency.

We have been careless...

and U.N.C.L.E. arrives before us, equipped to act.

I want this parcel or whatever it is that was taken from the doctor.

- See that the helicopter is intercepted. - Yes, Excellency.

Tomo, go to London. Be my eyes.

Yes, Excellency.

- Are you all right? - Yes.

But please hurry back to London. I don't want to miss lunch.

Not only must I contend...

with a preposterous science-fiction puzzle of an island of dead people...

but I have to fly over here to find out why two of my agents were attacked...

on what was supposed to be an ultra-secret mission.

- Sorry. - Are you sure you saw no living person...

friendly or otherwise, during your investigation?

No one.

What do you make of it?

Plague?

Or some man-made catastrophe?

Well, I would rather let our laboratory answer that.

- The village? - Totally destroyed.

- How's that wound? - It's insignificant.

The two items. The investigation of the vehicle...

and the two men who attacked Napoleon and myself has revealed nothing.

Apparently, they went to great pains to remove every shred of identification.

Item two. They are ready to begin the closed-circuit examination.

Well, let's get on with it, then.

"To the highest authority."

Decontaminate this and take it directly to Mr. Waverly.

Hello. What have we got ourselves here?

A Pinnipedia Otaridae.

Pinnipedia, "finny footed." Otaridae, "having ears."

In layman's terminology, a common eared seal.

But an autopsy in detail is indicated.

Has he finished with that infernal poking about?

I, uh, think so, sir.

Yes, sir.

Uh, gentlemen, we have here a most unusual seal.

This little fellow's last meal was a feast of blue-gilled sardines.

A very uncommon variety, found only on the coast of Norway.

An uncommonly long journey for a little fellow on a full stomach.

However, the most peculiar fact...

is that although he is unmistakenly a young seal...

he unquestionably died of old age.

Old age?

That's interesting. The people on the island, they were all very old.

Gentlemen, we all know that all living beings...

are born with certain antibodies to combat the aging process.

We also know that these antibodies are only capable of retarding...

or slowing down, that aging process.

That is why some men live to be over a hundred...

while others die, say, at 2, 10 or 20.

But this little seal was infected with some culture...

that completely destroyed his ability to fight this aging process.

And he lived a full life in a matter of days.

I will verify these findings in more detail...

after I have been able to discover what that culture is.

The letter attached to the carton, it should be decontaminated by now.

Unknown cultures, young seals dying of old age.

All these scientific mumbo jumbo instead of a simple logical explanation.

Maybe there is one, sir.

Now, the seal was found off the coast of these islands...

which could be anywhere from 200 miles to a thousand miles...

from the coast of Norway...

depending on where he stuffed himself with the blue-gilled sardines.

Now, what if something poisoned him and he was carried dead...

back down along the coast of Norway by the gulf current right to these islands?

I take it, then, you think this plague or infection or whatever it is...

started in Norway.

Well, it had to start somewhere, sir.

Interesting, Mr. Solo, but unsubstantiated.

- The letter. - What does it say?

It's from that Dr. McDonald on the island.

It seems a herd of those seals washed up on his beach a week ago, dead.

A few days later, the people started dying.

The doctor seems convinced that the seals carried some unidentified infection...

which transmitted itself to the island's entire population.

That's a remarkable similarity to our own laboratory's theory, isn't it?

Mr. Solo, you're to go to Norway.

Find the source of this infection and secure it or destroy it.

And me?

You, Mr. Kuryakin, will stay here and recuperate.

Act as liaison for Mr. Solo.

I must return to pressing matters in New York.

Recuperate.

That's an order.

- Look out, there. - Whoa!

Wouldn't wanna ruin a nice jacket like that with a flying suitcase, would we?

Gee, you saved my life.

Well, let's just say I saved you a bump on the head, okay?

You could have cost me my job.

You watch where you're going.

I think that's pretty good advice for all of us to follow, isn't it, friend?

Oh, well, if you say so.

May I help you, sir?

Uh, yes, as a matter of fact, you can. I have a reservation for Bergen, Norway.

- Oh, I hear it's lovely. - I couldn't agree more.

Solo. Napoleon Solo.

That's kind of a funny name, but I guess I could get used to it.

Mine's Christopher Larson.

Hi, Chris. What do you mean, "get used to it"?

Well, I mean if we were gonna be friends.

- Oh, you're going to Norway also? - Mh-hm.

I'm going to Norway to visit my grandparents.

Uh, my mama's back in New York alone.

She's a widow, a very pretty widow.

That's nice.

She's also a very good cook.

Oh, uh, you aren't married, are you?

Uh, no, Christopher, I am not married.

- You can call me Chris. - Okay, Chris.

- Here you are. Have a pleasant flight. - Thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I've got a little business to attend to before I take off.

See you on the plane.

I'm sure you will.

Excuse me, miss, I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake.

You see, my grandmother purchased this ticket for me...

and she's awful hard of hearing and not too used to buying tickets.

I'm going to see my mother and Mother's in Bergen, Norway.

But this ticket's for New York.

Didn't I tell you? It was a terrible mistake.

This is Solo. Clear.

Napoleon, I have some rather bad news for you to start your trip.

One of our agents in Norway, Olaf Nelsson, has been killed.

- Do we know who did it? - No.

But we have reason to believe it concerns your mission.

Before he died, he managed to smuggle something to us.

It's, uh, like a ring for the finger, except it's too large, of course...

and it has a rather bizarre design on the top.

What kind of design?

Well, frankly, I can't make head nor tail of it.

It resembles one of your abstract pieces of art.

As I recall, Olaf was not the artistic type.

Well, see what you make of this.

"Marry the maiden."

I beg your pardon, I'm sorry.

Inside the ring there was a piece of paper. It simply says, "Marry the maiden."

Well, it doesn't register with me.

Since it came from our agent in Stromberg...

it could well pinpoint your present assignment.

Try the village of Stromberg.

I'm sending Henderson to the airport with the ring.

If your plane gets away before his arrival...

he'll follow you on and meet you in Bergen. Out.

Hi, Mr. Solo.

Anyone ever tell you what could happen if you sneak up behind someone?

Usually, it scares the liver out of them. But you didn't even flinch.

Well, I owe it all to clean living.

Yeah, my mother is always telling me about staying clean.

Yeah, I had a hunch we'd get to your mother sooner or later.

Yeah, she's an awful good-looking widow. You wanna see her picture?

Chris, listen.

- Come here. I want you to do me a favor. - Well, sure.

Okay. I wouldn't tell this just to anyone, you see...

but, uh, I am an international spy.

- You are? - Shh! Shh, now.

And I'm being chased by a band of diamond thieves.

Wow.

Now, I want you to help me get out of here alive.

- Yes, sir. - Okay.

You see the doors to the baggage area over there?

- Yes, sir. - All right.

In a moment, a short fat man in a trench coat...

with a black patch over his left eye may try to sneak in here.

I want you to position yourself at that door...

and keep a sharp eye open. Any questions?

- No, sir. - Okay.

Carry on.

Get the ring.

Out there.

Be a good lad and give this to your friend, Mr. Solo.

- Oh, but you're... - Oh, don't...

Mustn't create a fuss, now. Let it be our little secret. Go, boy. Go.

PA]: Attention, please.

Final call. Passengers for Bergen, Norway on Flight 316, Gate 4.

Final call.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought, uh, we were supposed to be traveling companions?

Mm-hm.

Well, would you like to, uh, show me the picture of your mother?

I don't guess so.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Uh, if you, uh, change your mind, I'll be right up front there.

Mr. Solo.

I, uh, kind of told you a little story back at the airport.

What kind of little story?

- Well, it wasn't exactly the truth. - Oh?

- Yeah. But you did the same thing to me. - I did?

Well, you said the man was short and fat and wore a patch over his left eye.

Well, he didn't look like that at all.

What man?

The man who gave me this to give to you.

And he had a beard.

I saw somebody stab him.

- Anyone see him give this to you? - I don't think so.

He's good, old what's-his-name.

I tell you, looks like he fooled you too.

He's always pretending he's stabbed, it's a kind of a little joke with him.

But I saw blood.

Uh-uh. That's ketchup.

He carries this little tube around with him and he uses it...

every time he wants to play a little joke on somebody.

Ah, when we get to Norway, let's not even mention it to your mother.

She's not in Norway. She's in New York.

She's what?

That's kind of part of the little story I was telling you.

I kind of fibbed a little. I turned it around.

I was going home from visiting my grandparents in Scotland.

You said you like jokes. Here's a real neat one.

What am I gonna tell my mother?

You'll think of something, now move.

I'm getting you a one-way ticket back to New York right now.

Uh, on second thought, maybe you better buy your own ticket.

- I'm in a hurry. - Well, Mr. Solo...

I'm sorry, Chris, I'm in a hurry. Go ahead.

Chris, uh, I've changed my mind.

I was hoping you'd come back.

Yeah, my friends are trying to play another joke on me.

Let's just sort of fool them this time, shall we?

- You stay with me, all right? - Okay.

Yes, I think was, uh, first in line here, actually.

Yes, I understand. We'll work it out. Don't worry about it.

There.

That was sure fun out at the airport, playing spies.

Yeah, it's been a lot of laughs.

I hope you change your mind about sending me home.

Well, as a matter of fact, while you finish your fifth dessert...

I'm going to make a phone call and take care of the arrangements.

Waiter, may I have the check, please?

Do you have any gum, Chris?

- Sure, you want some? - Mm-hm.

Thanks.

Shall we scare the waiter?

No. Not now. Not now. He might, uh, drop his tray.

Thank you.

Chris, how good are you at running?

Lickety-split, you wanna see?

No. Not now. Just, uh, wait until I tell you.

Okay. Let's go.

Oh. Gee, I think I forgot to leave the tip.

- Lickety-split. - After them.

Here.

Stay here.

Okay. Up you go. Keep going until you get to the airport.

- Still have the money for the ticket? - Yeah.

Okay. Give my regards to your mother. Hurry up.

We have the boy, Mr. Solo. Must we harm him or will you surrender?

Take me to your leader.

In there.

Sit down, Mr. Solo.

I am General Yokura.

Oh, yes, yes. As a matter of fact, uh...

we have a very interesting dossier on your activities in our files.

Oh, I am flattered.

But I am also disturbed that U.N.C.L.E. has sent you to probe matters...

which do not concern you.

As a matter, at the moment, I'm rather disturbed about that myself.

What do you know of chemical formula J47?

I never heard of it.

- But you are aware of its effects? - No. No.

Oh, come, Mr. Solo. That island, the village you destroyed?

Oh. Oh, yes. Uh, those effects.

I dislike glibness.

Yes, I can see that.

We search for the same mystery, you and I.

The source of the chemical which infected the village.

Well, since we're on the same, uh, Easter egg hunt...

let's make a trade, shall we?

I'll tell you what I know and you tell me what you know.

For a man very close to death, you are remarkably cavalier.

Well, let's see. Actually, I won't be able to say anything after I'm dead, will I?

Very well, I will accept your bargain.

Chemical J47 was perfected by one of my own countrymen...

in a secret laboratory here in Norway during the last war.

It is a formula which it accelerates the growth rate...

by the destruction of geriatric antibodies.

We also know he made only one small...

but very potent quantity of this chemical before he died.

Before he died?

My countryman apparently suffered some romantic fantasies of guilt.

So he injected himself with an overdose of J47.

He was 31 years old, but he died of old age within 24 hours.

Well, I was hoping you'd tell me something new.

I mean, we know all this.

Oh, then, perhaps, you also know...

where my countryman hid the last quantity of J47...

before he disposed of himself?

I never like to talk secrets unless I have my friends gathered around me.

Where is Christopher?

You try my patience in a most dangerous manner, Mr. Solo.

Another interest thing about me is that,

under torture, I tend to yell a great deal...

and reveal absolutely nothing.

It is just as well.

Children are nuisances.

Their energy is exceptionally grating on the nerves.

You may have him.

- Hi. - Hi.

- You all right? - Sure.

Well, you can see the boy is unharmed.

Now, if you please, where is chemical J47 hidden?

General, I really can't tell you.

One of your agents, Olaf Nelsson, made a similarly foolish statement...

before he died.

There was mention of a ring...

in a conversation you had at the airport in London.

What is this ring, its purpose? Where is it?

The secret is in that little black box over there.

This?

Yes. There's a secret compartment there. You have to push that lever.

But it...

Freeze.

Chris, get that stuff off the desk and put it in the bag.

Now, general, you will escort us out of here.

Now, we're going to march in four-four time. You lead...

Chris'll follow...

and I'll keep my eye on the attractive stag line in the rear.

Get the door, Chris.

All right, gentlemen, stay back.

Chris?

Chris.

Coast clear?

What are you doing in there?

You told me to wait out here and stand guard.

- In there? - I saw it done in the movies.

That's the movies. Now you're going home.

But if I leave without you, you'll never get to meet my mom.

- You'll like her. - I'm sure I will.

Sometime when we have time. Now let's go.

What if those men are watching for us?

Have you ever heard of being inconspicuous?

I make a lot of noise, trip over things sometimes.

Chris, it's time to end the game. You're a big boy.

And you know now this is for real. And I want you safely out of it.

Okay, but those people, they were at the airport looking for us when we landed.

They're out there now, watching for us to sneak out, won't they?

They don't really care about you.

But they can use me to catch you again, ain't that true?

Isn't that true?

I knew you and Mom could get along. You can help me on my grammar.

Now, please take me with you.

Well, I guess I can't have you wandering around by yourself.

Right. Now, where do we go from here?

To Stromberg, to find out what it takes to marry the maiden.

Why'd we come all the way down here?

- I'm looking for something. - What?

I don't know.

Well, then how can you find it?

I'm not sure.

Boy, sometimes being a spy doesn't make sense at all.

- I know. You're looking for clues. - Uh-huh.

- How about footprints? - No.

- Tire marks? - Mm-mm.

A trail of blood.

Really? Where?

I don't know. It just sounds like something good to look for.

- Marry the maiden. - What's that mean?

It's a clue a friend of mine gave to me.

- Marry the maiden, huh? - Yeah.

- Hey, wanna see a picture of my mom? - Later.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

Hey. Here, boy.

Here.

Here.

Marry. Third finger. Left hand.

Here, boy. Here, boy. Come on. Come on.

Maiden of Norway. Marry the Maiden of Norway.

- Yeah, got it. - Can I see?

All right, come on. I'll boost you up.

Hey, wait. What's this on the back of your pants?

- What? - Looks like a gift from General Yokura.

Probably put it on there when you were tied up.

Let's see exactly what it does.

A, uh...

- A subminiature short-range oscillator. - Huh?

It's a baby radio station, Chris.

Sends out a special high frequency, has to be picked up by a special receiver.

As long as you're wearing it, the general can track you anywhere.

- He might be around here somewhere? - He is around here somewhere.

Someplace out of sight where we can't see him.

We gotta throw him a curve and fast.

Hey, boy, come here. Come here.

Okay.

Okay, get the ring.

All right, come on. We're gotta get out of here. Come on.

They've moved away from Nelsson's.

What are you gonna do with him?

Not what I'm gonna do, what he's gonna do with Yokura's receiver.

Come, boy. Come on. Go get it, boy. Go.

Okay. Quick, before he comes back.

Well, where are they now?

Now they're moving off again in a different direction.

- Shall we move in, Excellency? - No.

Keep them under radio surveillance.

Perhaps, before we destroy them, they will lead us to chemical J47.

- Here's the rock. - That's where the maiden pointed.

Gee, there's a cave.

Stay back. Don't come any closer.

What is it?

See that yellow streak heading from inside the cave?

Down along here, goes down, empties over the edge into the ocean?

Well, that's how you infect blue-gilled sardines.

Infect them with what?

Old age, judging from that skeleton.

That streak's all dried up. Is it still dangerous?

Not now, but if there's any left inside in liquid form...

You stay there.

Mr. Solo, be careful.

Please?

I shall be a study in caution.

Hey, Mr. Solo, are you all right?

Fine, Chris.

- Is it safe to come in? - Yeah, come ahead.

It's either all been washed out to sea or dried up.

Look who's here.

How do you like this? Pretty smart, the way he found us, huh?

Oh, yeah, he's a brilliant dog, all right.

Chris, I want you to get back there while I have a look, all right?

There is no need to look, Mr. Solo, for I am here.

Ah, so you are, general.

Well, I'm afraid it's all been for nothing.

I hope not. That would make me very angry.

I had intended that you die quickly...

but if I have been put to all this trouble for nothing...

Well, shall we see what has brought you and your young friend to this cave?

Come, come, Mr. Solo. What do you hope to accomplish?

We can sit out here until you starve.

Well, I don't know. I might be able to jump you after it gets dark.

If I were you, I'd go on home. There's nothing here.

Oh? Not even one small container of, say, J47?

It's too late, general. It's rusted out.

The stuff drained into the ocean and killed some sardines.

Sardines killed some seals and seals killed some people and that's the end of it.

Container is empty. Take a look for yourself.

Another trick, Solo?

You think you will shoot me when I enter to examine the container?

No trick, Yokura, word of honor.

In a situation like this, a man's word of honor is hardly sufficient.

All right. Tell him I'm dead.

He's dead, Your Excellency.

Very good.

Now, let us see what prize we have.

The prize, general, is a Norwegian prison.

Well, what about you?

I thought it was the old Japanese custom for the servants to follow the master...

by hari-kari.

You've got the wrong century, jack.

Gee, that's wrapping it up.

Yeah, and I'm going to wrap you up and deliver you personally to your mother.

- Oh, boy, you're gonna love... - I know, I'm going to love your mother.

- Ah, welcome back, Mr. Solo. - Thank you, sir.

Well, your message indicated you achieved a most successful conclusion...

to our little business matter.

Wh...? Who's this?

Oh, this is my friend...

and co-international spy, Christopher Larson.

This is Mr. Waverly.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- He's one of us. - Oh, uh...

That's what I've been thinking about all the way home.

- What's that? - I know I've been awful anxious...

for you to meet my beautiful widowed mother and all...

but, well, if you met and liked each other, you might even wanna get married.

Oh.

Yeah, and, uh, well, I like you an awful lot, Mr. Solo...

but I still gotta take care of Mother first.

Well, she needs somebody to be around a lot...

you know, to kiss and stuff.

Well, being a spy and all...

you probably wouldn't be able to spend much time at home.

Well, that would make Mother awful unhappy.

I see.

Well, so if it's all right with you...

I'd like to shop around a little more for a father.

Well, I am disappointed, but I understand.

Oh, look, there's Mother.

- Where? - Right over there, by the gate.

Goodbye, Chris. I think your mother looks like a very fine woman...

and I want you to tell her I think she has a very, very fine son.

Goodbye and don't forget, I'll always be your friend.

And I'll always be yours, okay?

That's Mother?

Mr. Waverly, uh, perhaps I should... After all, I am the boy's friend and...

Come along, Mr. Solo.

Mother is a boy's best friend.