Original subtitles

In New York City...

on a street in the East Forties, there's an ordinary tailor shop.

Or is it ordinary?

We entered through the agents' entrance and we are now in U.N.C.L.E. headquarters.

That's the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement.

U.N.C.L.E. is an organization consisting of agents of all nationalities.

It's involved in maintaining political and legal order anywhere in the world.

My name is Napoleon Solo.

I'm an enforcement agent in Section Two here.

That's Operations and Enforcement.

I am Illya Kuryakin. I am also an enforcement agent.

Like my friend Napoleon, I go and I do whatever I am told to by our chief.

Huh? Oh, yes. Alexander Waverly.

Number One in Section One.

In charge of this, our New York headquarters.

It's from here that I send these young men on their various missions.

I've just been cleared. George Tenley, Section Two.

I'll vouch for Mr. Tenley, Wanda.

Mr. Tenley, you're due in Computer Process Data.

Miss McNabb, Room 9.

Mr. Waverly had to leave for Washington.

He left a reminder that you haven't

completed your report on the January affair.

It was due yesterday.

Come in, Mr. Tenley.

Don't mind McNabb's bite, it's her bark you have to watch out for.

Whatever that thing is, it seems to turn mostly when it's attacked.

Just open the door and let it go home.

Centuries ago samurai swordsmen used to train with this block...

to develop quickness of hand and sharpness of eye.

As an exercise, it still has its points.

Well, since we don't get too many calls to take on samurai warriors these days...

I'll just let you specialize, all right?

Data Process.

It's just chloroform.

They're a fascinating machine, I... I thought I'd just...

Forced me to...

I...

I...

I just thought I'd see if it had a tilt light, like a pinball machine, I...

Green Opal...

Brach.

Green...

Stay back.

Please.

Green Opal...

Brach.

Green...

Is he dead or...?

No...

but he's not alive, either.

Insulin shock, electric therapy, Adrenalin, Pentothol.

No change in the ECG, no metabolic increase or toxic reaction.

It seems to narrow down to a complete repressive block...

of the corteal nerve paths to the medulla.

A total catatonic state.

Well, if there should be any change, any response...

alert Interrogation, Section Four.

We've run a checkout test and resimulated the electronic tape pulses.

It was definitely just the one tape he wanted to run an auto-destruct on.

All right, we know that Tenley was trying to destroy...

the one file tape with his name in it: Missing Persons. Explained.

But why? It's just a technical listing...

because his position light didn't show up in a scan...

when he was in Greenland last year.

- Mental crackup? - Or blackmail. Or both.

Well, it's a cinch that Tenley can't tell us why.

- Or has he already told us? - Play the tape again.

Play his final words.

I can't stop.

Kill me.

Green Opal...

Green Opal.

Brach...

Run a program code on "Green Opal" right now, Heather.

This is the Green Opal map reference...

but without the code area key number.

How about Brach?

We don't have anything on it as a code or a location...

but we do have a cross reference as a name: Walter G. Brach.

That's Walter G. Brach the financier.

He donated $5 million last year for a study of the theory of reincarnation...

but he hoards tinfoil and string.

Now, I'd say obviously we're dealing with an eccentric.

What is the tie-in between Green Opal and Brach, though?

Right here...

just south of the Yucatan Peninsula on the Gulf of Honduras.

Mr. Brach has sailed there every summer for the past 31 years.

Every year?

And always on the 9th of September.

That gives us two days before he leaves again. It's almost too tight.

Ninth day, ninth month.

Nine, nine, nine.

Does he by any chance take a numerologist along with him?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Who else besides the crew?

A physician, a masseur, private male secretary.

You like taking cruises on yachts?

But how do we get rid of this secretary Brach has now?

Urgent family business. Three-day virus.

What about the routine we used on the Oldbury affair?

Arrange for Brach's secretary to be witness to a crime.

Then we'll hold him as a material witness in protective custody.

It's an ancient but artful dodge.

Clear it with Mr. Waverly. If he okays it, throw it at Security Operations Section.

And alert your Personality Induction crew for an emergency run-through.

Well, the application should fool them.

So...

you're the new secretary the agency sent?

Yes, sir. My name is Applegate, Edward.

My references.

Five years with Selden and Company, eh? Why did you quit?

I didn't agree with Mr. Selden's policies.

Come on, Chuke, harder, harder.

What makes you think you'd agree with me?

I understood this was to be temporary, until your permanent secretary returns.

Yes.

Well, since it is temporary, I'm not going to pay this sort of wage.

I'll give you 300 a month...

less expenses for wastage and breakage.

And I expect a day's work...

for a day's pay.

Well, I am certain that you will find my work entirely efficient and adaptable, sir.

Dated the 6th.

Ninth month, 6th day. The root factor is three.

Dated the 5th.

No. Scorpio is unfavorable.

Are you a tippler?

- Of course not, sir. - What about women? Are you a chaser?

Mr. Brach.

- What are you giving me? - Cabbage juice and your pressed kelp, sir.

- All right, you'll do. - Well, thank you.

We cast off at 1600, Applegate.

Alert the crew to make all preparations for leaving.

Show him to his quarters, Chuke.

There are sharks in this inlet.

Of course, their components have marvelous nutritional value.

The soldiers throw raw meat out daily.

The sharks have learned to come in close during regular feeding hours.

Careful. They expect their meal within the next half hour.

Ah.

Pay that one 100 and mark it down.

But I am now a colonel, Mr. Brach.

Oh, well, we'll raise your bribe when they've made you a general.

Just see to it that your people don't troop up here.

I don't want my shoes shined...

I don't wanna buy any hand-painted shawls...

and I don't want to pass out any hard currency to beggars.

Have that jetty washed down thoroughly in disinfectant.

Chuke, cut open that shark. I want the spleen pulverized.

And you can have the liver.

Now, what's the matter with you?

Oh, I'm getting a little sick here, I'm afraid.

Get back away from me, you might have germs.

Cover up your mouth.

It is time for you to inspect the harvest, sir.

Yes, all right. You go back aboard that scow and wait till we return.

But I expect you to make up the time.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course, sir.

Do you think it would be possible if one of the crewmen...

could take me back to the yacht anchorage?

No, it's an unnecessary trip. We'll be back within two hours.

All right, Chuke, never mind that. Come on, come on, let's go.

- Yes. - Come on.

- Open Channel D. - Channel D open.

Enjoy your cruise, Mr. Applegate?

- I didn't catch a single fish yet. - Maybe you're using the wrong bait.

Well, so far, Uncle Walter seems to be just a kindly old maladjusted kook.

Be careful, Mr. Applegate, U.N.C.L.E. thinks you're in very dangerous waters.

Oh?

Tenley's final words were "Walter G. Brach."

Tenley's final words?

He's dead and Brach is very much alive.

Yes.

Don't touch me. If you try to drag me back there, I'll use this. I will.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Napoleon Solo.

Don't touch me. I will!

Don't move and don't make a sound.

Do what I tell you or you'll take your chances with the cheetahs.

All right?

Now, these are Sinisal leaves.

Rub them all over yourself, on your face, on your hands, everywhere. Go ahead.

That's it. Here. It will kill the scent.

All right. This is fern mold.

The Baroness Kornfeldt has it imported for her mud packs.

All right, come on.

Come on.

They'll follow my trail back to the boat, then they'll be back.

I'm not going to take another step until you tell me where we're going.

To whoever or whatever or wherever you just came from.

Back? I will not.

All right. You can stay right here and wait for me.

I don't think that there are too many poisonous snakes around...

especially because of the alligators.

And there aren't any insects out until nighttime.

- You're just going to have to trust me. - Who are you?

I'm an agent for an organization known as U.N.C.L.E.

That's all I can tell you right now.

Next question is, who are you?

I'm Chris Brinel. But I don't know how I got here or why.

- They must have kidnapped me. - They?

I don't know who they were.

Someone talking in a dream, a nightmare.

They wanted you for something.

Blackmail? Ransom? What?

I don't know. Until yesterday I was just a housewife.

Just an ordinary housewife...

in a suburb full of housewives in Bethesda, Maryland.

The last thing I remember was I was shopping in a supermarket.

I was shopping...

David.

David?

My husband.

And then suddenly everything went black and the next thing I knew I was here.

Come on.

All right, head out there. Hurry.

And the two little kittens found their mittens And soon ate up the pie.

Ooh. Come on.

Ah. I've been waiting impatiently to see you.

Careful!

Especially since we provided Mrs. Brinel as your guide.

Welcome, Napoleon Solo.

Well, I'm a bit surprised that you know my name.

Oh, we picked it out of the yellow pages of U.N.C.L.E.'s directory.

Steady, Chuke. He tends to become agitated at times.

You see, you forced him to kill two of my favorite cheetahs.

I'm sorry.

Those Indians are very accurate with their blowguns.

The darts are tipped with a synthetic curare...

that would render you intractable instantly.

See, I've no intention of killing you. I could have done that any time.

So you mean if there is a choice, it's yours.

Oh, yes, I always see to that.

Well, not this time. You see, I can kill you first.

Mr. Solo, if you'll examine that gun...

you'll find that the firing pin is canted exactly one sixty-fourth of an inch.

It won't fire.

Well, I did examine it and I reset the firing pin...

exactly one sixty-fourth of an inch.

You're bluffing.

Try me.

I think...

I'll call it.

I'm bluffing.

Ah!

Yeah.

I feel like I fell on a cactus.

One of those Indians shot a dart at you.

How did I react?

Like a robot.

- Did he ask me any question? - No.

That comes later, I guess.

What are we going to do?

Well, about the only thing we can do, I guess.

Wait.

I keep telling myself that this is all a terrible nightmare...

and I'm gonna wake up in my own house and everything will be just fine.

Chris, let's try and figure out what happened to you.

I don't know.

Well, the last thing that you said that you remembered...

was shopping in the local supermarket in Bethesda, Maryland. Right?

That's right. I was planning a trip to New York to see...

To see my mother.

I wanted to make sure there was enough food in the house for David.

Any particular reason you were going to see your mother?

Yes.

I was leaving my husband.

Oh. Why?

I don't think that's any of your business.

If we spend any time arguing here...

there's a good possibility they may take away our heads and never give them back.

I'm sorry.

It was only a trial separation.

I wanted to go away and think things over for a while.

You see, when David and I were first married...

about four years ago last March...

he was in grad school at M.I.T.

Oh, he's an engineer?

Yes. He's a space engineer with AEB.

Oh, yeah. Amalgamated Electronics Business in Washington.

- That's right. - Well, was he in an important position?

David? No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Solo.

You see, David is a very sad case.

He's a borderline genius in science.

If he ever really tried...

he could be one of the most important men in Washington.

In the whole world for that matter.

Except in David's strange little world, "ambition" is a dirty word.

I love him very much.

But I just can't... I can't live with a man...

and watch him slowly destroy himself and a wonderful career.

Well, does he want to get out of the profession?

Yes. I think he'd rather be a Little League umpire than Albert Einstein.

Well, I see that the cruise social director...

is announcing games on the main deck.

Tell me, Chuke. What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a place like this?

Well, good afternoon, Mr. Solo. I trust you enjoyed your rest.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did, with the help of your tranquilizer, thank you.

You're welcome.

Are we about to have a guided tour of your chamber of horrors?

Yes. No doubt the questions in your mind are what, why and how, eh?

Well, shall we clear away the puzzlement?

Yes, as a matter of fact, that would be very kind.

Come on, Chuke.

Now, then, this is where our subjects are oriented...

during the two days that they are missing.

It's what I believe you people call in U.N.C.L.E., "a cover."

Now, this man has passed through all our standard procedures.

He's undergoing his final test.

He's not aware of us or anybody else. He's obviously been conditioned.

This man behind the glass is Mr. Carver.

He's a technician with Neutron Force Incorporated.

He'll be back at his job in a couple of days.

His drive toward gambling would've interfered with his rise...

to the very highest position in the company.

But now, you see, that compulsive urge is being satisfied, being removed.

And now he'll achieve rapid advancement.

To the point where he can be of some use to us.

Operative, so to speak.

Well, how did you happen to slip up with Tenley?

Oh, we didn't slip up with Tenley, Mr. Solo.

Mr. Tenley was simply the bait.

You're the catch.

Tenley was conditioned to break down at a prearranged moment...

to provide U.N.C.L.E. with provocative clues.

So that you, Mr. Solo, would swallow that bait.

Now...

over here we have Mr. Kanu.

Mr. Kanu is a Nigerian.

He's an outstanding humanitarian, a graduate student at Oxford.

One day he'll be an important figure in his government.

At the moment, he believes he was beaten into unconsciousness...

by a gang of Teddy boys in London.

So we're going to send Mr. Kanu back to his native country...

with a fine subconscious hatred of beloved England.

Now...

here we have Comrade Czykowzki.

He thinks he's being detained by American intelligence officers...

interrogated.

Oh, naturally he's told them nothing.

He'll be allowed to escape through a very clever maneuver.

When he gets back to Warsaw, he'll be promoted.

So you see, Mr. Solo...

each one has been chosen with an eye to intelligence, fitness...

and above all, ambition.

When one of them reaches a specified career level...

he'll suddenly discover in himself an unshakable loyalty...

to a certain organization.

And would that be Thrush?

Thrush is an organization that believes the world should have a two-party system:

The masters and the slaves.

Wouldn't you say that was right, Mr. Brach?

Very nicely put, Mr. Solo.

And Dr. Shtallmacher here is in charge of the brainwashing?

No. No!

Something more delicate, more precise.

Brain alteration.

It's my own method involving an exact resectioning of nerve patterns.

- How's that for ambition, Chris? - Horrible.

Neither horrible or painful, my dear. I've undergone the operation myself.

Everyone in this house except me has been operated upon.

There is absolutely no pain, no scarring, no external bleeding.

- My technique has nothing... - Oh, come, come, come, doctor.

After all, these people won't remember either you or your operation.

Chuke, back, back, back.

Mrs. Karda!

Why did you choose me?

Please.

I'm just an ordinary housewife.

I can't even drive a car without an automatic shift.

Well, what do you want me for?

Oh, give her something to calm her nerves, will you, Mrs. Karda?

No. No.

No! No! No!

No!

- Why can't he move? - Oh, don't be alarmed, Mrs. Brinel.

The voltage was regulated only to punish him a bit.

You know, Napoleon Solo was an ingenious choice on the part of Thrush.

Someday, he'll become, undoubtedly, top director...

for all sections of U.N.C.L.E. and Thrush.

But why me?

Please, why?

Well, I'll tell you, Mrs. Brinel, Thrush is very anxious to penetrate AEB.

Particularly in regard to its space program, which is your husband's field.

Yes, but my husband's not one of the top men in the program.

No, unfortunately not.

But you could supply the drive and the ambition...

that could absolutely make him.

He's a very gifted scientist.

You will supply the ambition.

You'll give him the drive...

and because he loves you, he'll accede to your needs.

And then he'll become our animal.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Brinel.

It'll all seem perfectly natural and proper after the operation.

Mrs. Karda, go get me my lunch.

You'll feel much better, Mr. Solo, after a healthy lunch.

Give him something, Mrs. Karda.

A health cocktail of raw reptile juice.

Actually, I'm not hungry. Thank you.

Turn up the voltage in that lamp, Chuke.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. Solo, I've had the voltage turned up in that fence.

So I wouldn't advise another attempt, it might kill you this time.

I'll keep that in mind.

You have a fine, cunning mind, Mr. Solo.

Thank you. And I'd like to keep it that way.

Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to tamper with it just a little bit, Mr. Solo.

After that you'll solve this case for U.N.C.L.E...

you will capture the person responsible for killing Mr. Tenley...

and a number of other crimes.

You'll take this person back and he'll confess

to everything, if you know what I mean.

And then you'll kill him when he attempts to escape.

We wouldn't want U.N.C.L.E. to keep him under observation too long.

And whom do I get to take back with me?

Old Chuke?

No, no, no. Good boy, good boy.

You know, I'm really very fond of Chuke...

but, yes, I'm afraid you're right. He is expendable.

And I wonder how pleased Chuke will be.

Oh, quite pleased.

His brain has been adjusted by operation like everyone else's here.

He can't help doing exactly as I tell him. Isn't that right, Dr. Shtallmacher?

Everyone here has had the operation, and everyone obeys without question.

And so will you in due time, Mr. Solo.

Hm. And all the politicians...

military officers and scientists and diplomats...

and all the human time capsules you have set up all over the world.

Yes, that's very good.

Time capsules. Yes.

Waiting to explode at the command of Thrush.

Oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid.

Simply a repressive to prepare you.

- The same stuff the Indian used on me? - Exactly.

Mrs. Brinel, your arm.

- Take care of Mrs. Karda. - What?

All right, take me first, doctor.

Guards.

Guards, help! Aah!

All right, order them to open up the gate and let us go.

- No. - Understand, tell them. Tell them.

Open the gate. Let them go.

Tell them not to follow us.

Don't follow them.

- Come on. - Oh, please can we stop?

Just for a minute. They'll be after us soon.

That drug has probably worn off Brach by now.

What is it in this world that makes a man like Brach?

I don't know.

Sometimes it starts with a very sincere driving ambition.

Some people find other values.

My grandfather, for instance.

He was a brilliant lawyer in a small country town.

He got many lucrative offers from Wall Street...

government agencies, big corporations.

But he had only one goal in life.

That was to go quail hunting every September.

And I thought that he was a very successful man.

- Because he went quail hunting? - Yeah.

And because he used to stop by the side of the road...

and smell the flowers along the way.

Come on, we better get going.

Looks like our guests have arrived early.

What do we do now?

Well, we better find another approach.

Good day, Mr. Solo.

Well, nice to see you again, colonel. As a matter of fact, I was just saying...

Mr. Solo, move. Mr. Brach is becoming impatient.

I'm sorry, Mr. Solo, but you simply can't go.

You haven't seen Dr. Shtallmacher yet.

- Sorry, it slipped my mind. - Get into the car, please.

I'm afraid we have a new problem to resolve.

A new problem?

After my operation...

who am I to take back with me now that Chuke has been eliminated?

Oh. Well, I could say Dr. Shtallmacher but he's still too valuable to us.

I'm afraid that leaves only Mrs. Karda here.

Now, you wouldn't want me to capture someone and just kill them, would you?

Yes, it will be Mrs. Karda.

Oh, I'm sorry, my dear, but you understand I really don't have any choice.

After I've taken her prisoner at what point do I kill her exactly?

Your newly adjusted brain will dictate that, Mr. Solo.

Well, you don't have any diabolical plan, do you?

Like a long, slow, painful death.

Come, you're trying my patience so I might become irrational...

and throw you to those very hungry sharks out there.

You'll merely put a bullet in her brain.

Take me to my car, please.

To my car, please.

Take me to the car!

No, don't go this way. Stop it!

Stop it!

His charts were very bad today. Pisces was in a terrible position.

I would say that that was rather disloyal of you, Mrs. Karda.

Or perhaps the brain operation didn't take on you.

Dr. Shtallmacher spared me the operation.

I convinced him it was unnecessary.

- That must have taken some convincing. - Not really.

All right, I'll accept that.

Would you care to join us on a cruise back to U.N.C.L.E.?

- What cruise, Mr. Solo? - Here we go again.

Colonel, I'm a little short of cash here, would you take a check?

- Can't I just call David? - It won't be much longer.

Is the debriefing of Brach's list all finished?

Not by half, it's an astonishing list of names.

Scientists, lawyers, writers, even a congressman.

Oh. I think we're clear with you now, Mrs. Brinel. You can go home.

Except for one proviso.

You can't reveal anything of what's happened to you.

Not even to your husband.

Since he's received a note explaining your absence...

as going to think through your marriage, it would be best if you stuck to that cover.

But that's exactly what I have done...

gone away for two days to think through my marriage.

- And come to a decision? - Yes.

I'm ready to go wherever he goes.

I'm even going to tell him about your grandfather.

And if David wants to live in a small college town, quail hunting...

or even umpiring Little League games, that's just fine by me too.

- Thank you, Napoleon. - Thank you, Mrs. Brinel.

And don't forget to smell the flowers along the way.

About that grandfather of yours she mentioned.

According to your records, one was an admiral...

the other was an ambassador.

Hm. Strange. Perhaps there was another grandfather.

Or uncle.