Original subtitles

- Good evening everyone - Good evening

- Good evening - Good heaven Ranjeet

You're actually here on time

- Yes - Well done

Su malet�n

Yes, thank you Juan and thank you for carrying it

De nada, hombre. Perm�tame que le quite el abrigo, por favor

Yes, thank you very much

Ya sabe usted que aqu� estoy yo para servirle, se�or

- You spanish creeper - You ltalian

All right, settle down everybody!

We've got a lot of work to do tonight

Excuse please

- Just sit down a minute Ali, will you? - No thank you

l am only coming to tell you l am not coming

- Not coming? - Yes please

You can't leave in the middle of a term

l mean you were doing quite well! Why do you want to leave?

- Oh blimey, l am coming up on the puddles - Coming up on the puddles?

- Yes please, the football puddles? - The football pools

Yes please! l am getting eight scoring draws

- How many draws on the coupons? - Only the eight l am getting

Hey how much you win?

Oh blimey, it could be half a million pounds

Santa Maria

l'm very happy for you! Because you're my best friend

He's also my friend

And mine

- l am the true friend of Ali - You?

But of course! We are practically bloody brothers!

- l thought you didn't like Muslims - l love Muslims

Especially when they are having half a million pounds!

Well, l don't know what to say Ali

l mean l'm very pleased for you of course

- l am also being very pleased for me - What will you do?

Oh blimey, l am going to bed

- To bed? - Yes please

With all that money, l'm not needing to be working, so l'm going to bed

- You mean you're going to retire - Most definitely

You're quite sure you've got eight score draws?

Oh yes, l got the copy

Here please, the ones l'm ticking off

Ali, l don't think you're going to retire just yet

- He's not gotta eight draws? - Oh yes

- He's gotta eight... he's got eight draws - Good

But they're not all on the same line!

- What difference is that making? - lt means you haven't won anything

- Notting at all? - Notting at all

Bellos!

Loco!

That is typical of that Muslim twit! No brains whatsoever

Oh blimey, you are changing tune

When you are thinking that l am very wealthy you are being my bloody brother

That is before I am finding out you are bloody stupid

Don't you call me stupid you bearded baboon!

Quiet the pair of you and sit down

l presume you're staying now Ali

- l'm staying now, yes - Good

Now this evening l thought we'd try some practical use of the English language

By acting out various situations that you might come across in real life

- Now, we'll start with you Taro - ''Aso''

- Now, you are going to the bank - Banko, yes

- Where are you going? - Banko

- No, it's only a pretend bank - Pletendo?

Yeso! We'll imagine this table is the bank counter and l am the bank clerk

And you are a customer and you're coming to cash a cheque

- All right? - Ok

- Good morning Sir - lt is not good morning time

lt is good night time

Yes, it is now! But we are just pretending

- Aso, Cally on - Thank you

- Good morning Sir - One moment

- What is it now? - Are you Barclays or Midlando?

lt doesn't really matter! Midland if you like

- Good morning Sir - Goodbye

Goodbye?

Midlando not my banko! Barclays my banko

All right, it's Barclays

- Good morning Sir - Good morning

- You wish to cash a cheque? - Yes pleaso

Good! How much? Ten pounds?

- Twenty? Thirty? - Thirty

- And how do you want it? - ln money please

Yes but do you want thirty in tens, ones or fives or what?

- Can l have thirty fives? - No, that would be 150 pounds

- Solly for mistako - Not to worry

Thank you Taro! That wasn't too bad

Now, who should we have next? Ah, Danielle

You are the nicest banker l've seen

Yes, well we're not in the bank now! l want you to imagine something different

- l have a very good imagination - l'm sure you have

Now you are going into a post office and l am the assistant

- Excuse me, can you help me? - Certainly Madam! What is it you wish?

How much is it a letter to post?

- ls it someone in England? - No, no it's a Swiss letter

- A Swiss letter? - Yes, l write to my boyfriend in Switzerland

Well, it's more correct to say you want to send a letter to Switzerland not a Swiss letter

lt could be very embarrassing if you were writing to somebody in France

- Excuse me? - lt doesn't matter

l am thinking l need some extra English lessons

Maybe l could stay here with you after the class

l don't think we could do that

Well l come home with you and you could teach me a lot

Yes l'm sure l could! But l think you know quite sufficient already

- Now, is there anything else you want? - Yes but l cannot tell you here

- From the post office - No, nothing

Well alright, thank you Danielle, that will do

- Now, Juan - S� se�or

- You're going to the Employment Exchange - Por favor

- You are going to get a job - No, l already have ajob

Yes l know that, we're assuming you don't

And you're going to the Employment Exchange to get one

- As l explained to Taro, we're pretending - lt's alright

- Now, what is your name? - You already know my name

l do but the clerk at the job desk doesn't

Ah, si! Juan Cervantes para servirle

- Are you married? - S�

l married to Gina Lollabrigida

- Don't be ridiculous - Pretending

Touch�, alright!

- What sort of ajob are you looking for? - Plenty money job

l see and what is the work you want to do in order to earn this plenty money?

Plenty little!

Alright Juan! Thank you! That will be sufficient

Pity, l like it! A very good game!

Thank you! Now, Ranjeet

What is it you are wanting me to do?

- You are going to the Doctor's - What is the nature of my complaint?

- Let's just say you don't feel well - But l'm never feeling better

- Pretend you have a cold - A cold what?

Alright, let's forget about the cold

- Just imagine you have a pain - Very well sir

Well go on

A thousand apologies! l am waiting for you to say 'Next please'

- Doctor always say 'Next please' - Next please

- Good morning Doctor - Good morning

- And what seems to be the trouble? - l have a terrible pain

- Where? - ln my imagination

You're supposed to be pretending it's a real pain

A thousand apologies again!

- l have a real terrible pain - Good

- Where is this pain? - ln my foot

His brains are hurting

- Your backside will be hurting in a moment - Blimey you can't even crack a pompadom

- l give you bunches of fivers - l give you bunches of tenners

Miss Courtney

What on earth is going on in here?

We were just having a few practical lessons

- What in, unarmed combat? - lt might come in useful

Well l'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while

- You're wanted down at the police station - The police station?

There's no need to look so guilty! lt's nothing you've done

lt's about one of your students! The lndian lady

- Jamila? Has anything happened to her? - Yes

She's been arrested for shoplifting!

Hello

Constable Wilkings?

Where the devil are you? You should've been back here by now

Pardon? No i will not send a Panda car for you

l don't care if somebody has pinched your bicycle! Pinch somebody else's

Would you like a cup of tea?

Tea, cup! ''Char''

Char, yes please no thank you! 4 sugar

Don't run away

Jamila! Are you all right?

What did she say Ali?

- ln English - Excuse me please

She is saying she is very glad we are coming to help her escape

Ask her what she stole

- Well? - Nothing

She must have said more than that

Yes please! She is saying she only took a book from the newspapershop

But the book was free

There's obviously been some misunderstanding!

l'll sort it out with the police

- Will they be sending her to prison? - No, no! l don't think it's that drastic

l'll have a word with the sergeant! Five pounds ought to do it

Ah, l'm understanding! That is a fine

No, no, no! Not exactly a fine! Let's say it's a little gift

- Gift? - Yes

lt's an old English custom! l scratch your back, you scratch mine

- You scratch my back, l scratch yours - That's right

Very well! Where are you being itchy?

No, no, never mind!

- Char - Good evening

- Good evening - Good evening

- Are you Mr. Brown? - No, he is Mr. Brown

l was speaking to him

ln that case, you were right first time

- Who are you? - Ali Nadim

No, l am Ali Nadim! You are Mr. Brown

Yes Ali, l'll do the talking, alright? You just leave it to me

Now l'm sure we can sort this out, inspector

The Commissioner looks after promotions here sir

Yes, you look like an lnspector

l'm sure it's only a question of time

May l compliment you on your station and what a wonderful job you're doing

Thank you sir

- Now about this young lady? - Ah yes

l expect you'd like to have a look at my driving licence

- What for? - To verify my identity

- You said you were Mr. Brown - Yes but you want some proof, don't you?

Look if you tell me you're Mr. Brown l accept that is the truth

- Yes but l could have been lying - Were you lying?

No, he's definitely Mr. Brown!

- He is telling the truth - Ali

- l insist you look at my driving licence - Oh very well, if it will make you happy

- ls this yours sir? - Pardon?

This five pound note was inside you driving licence

Are you sure? lt could have dropped out of your trouser pocket

Oh yes! And dropped upwards l suppose on to the desk?

Perhaps you had it tucked up your sleeves

Yes and l could have a couple of doves up the other but l haven't

lt was definitely in your licence

Yes sergeant is correct! l remember you putting it there not a moment ago

l forgot

lt was just before you said ''You scratch my back, l scratch yours''

- Thank you George Washington - No l'm Ali

Yes Ali, just be quiet please

- Now sergeant, about this young lady - Yes the accused

Remember British Justice! A person is presumed innocent until proven guilty

- And this poor lady is innocent - l know that

Just because she's an immigrant you can't go picking on - pardon?

Oh she pinched the book all right but she thought it was buckshee

See what it says on the front cover?

- Free inside! Colour supplement - That's right

- And she thought the whole book was free - Yes

So it wasn't her fault

lf anyone's to blame, it's the person who's teaching her English

lt's not always easy! Well if that's all we'll be getting along! Come along Jamila

Before you go sir

Would you like to make a donation to our Police charity fund?

Well as a matter of fact, you've caught me at a rather awkaward moment

What about the fiver?

You remember sir, the one you thought you never had

Oh, that fiver!

You know what they say sir, what you've never had you never miss

Unless you knew it was there all the time

ln which case it would come under bribery and corruption

You scratch my back and l'll scratch yours

l see Mr. Brown is not back

What are you doing at the moment?

- We are studying our English Glammar - Good

And how far have you got? Let me see your book

Giovanni, Miss Courtney would like to see your book

l want to see your book

Thank you

''The affairs of a Call Girl''

l thought it was about the adventures of a telephone operator! Honest

A likely story!

Well, until Mr. Brown returns l shall take the class

- Se�ora, where are you taking us - l'm not taking you anywhere

l shall ask you a few questions on general knowledge

Now first of all, can anybody tell me who said ''To be or not to be''?

- Please you just said it - Yes

But before l said it, who said it?

- Excuse prease - yes

Chairman Mao

lt may come as a surprise to you, but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao

Chairman Mao lite everything

He certainly didn't lite - write - ''To be or not to be''! Does anybody know?

- William Shakespeare - Correct

Excuse please! Who is this William Spearshake?

- Shakespeare - A thousand apologies

Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?

- ls it a big place? - ls what a big place?

These works of Shakespeare

- l'm referring to the things he wrote - Scusi

Can anybody tell me what the population of England is?

- Miss Shmidt? - Ja, English

Not any longer

However, what l really meant was how many there are?

l don't know, l haven't counted them

Let me ask you a simple question

- Mr. Nagazumi - ''Aso''

Can you tell me how many P's there are in a pound?

Depend on size of peas

l think you'd better all go back to studying your books until Mr. Brown returns

He surely can't be much longer

l wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here

She just said she was having something to show you

She is saying thank you for saving her from the police

And hopes you'll do the same next time

Well let's hope there's not going to be a next time

Free Offer! 2 p. Off each tin

- Supermark - Supermarket

They've obviously been having... Oh no!

Free offer! You haven't been taking things from the supermarket

Oh dearie me!

- You can say that again - Oh dearie me

We must be going back to see the Police Sergeant and scratch his back again

We can't do that! He'll never believe this was a mistake

Pinching a magazine is one thing

But knocking off half a supermarket is rather a different matter

On the other hand, we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods! lt's dishonest

She can give them to me!

- l do not minding being dishonest - Yes, l'm sure you're not

Now listen Ali, l want you to go back to the school

And ask all the students to meet Jamila and l outside the supermarket

- What are we going to be doing? - We're going to put all these things back

- Gladys, is everything locked up? - Yes Miss Courtney

By the way, l don't suppose you could give me a lift

l'm afraid l'm not going straight home tonight

There's a few things l need from the supermarket

Right, now you all know what to do! Just be very careful that nobody sees you

What are you doing here?

l suppose you could say it was an extra curricular activity

- Sir, excuse me! lt's stuck - What are you doing with thatjar?

Trying to get it out

lt's a long story, Miss Courtney! l'll explain later

Let me give you a hand

All right, l've been watching you! Just what do you think you're doing?

Would you believe we're putting things back?

- No - l didn't think you would

Well, well, well! Regular little Fagin, aren't you?

l can explain Sergeant

You're not going to show me your licence again, are you?

That's a relief

See, we were actually trying to return these goods

Ask the students

Quiet

Now look, Sergeant, lt was obviously just been a misunderstanding

l see no reason why we should pursue this any further

- l'm sorry Madam - Miss if you don't mind

Yes! Well l'm afraid l shall have to make a report out on this affair

- Now couldn't you forget it ever happened? - No

l'm sure your Police Charity Fund wouldn't say no to another contribution Sergeant

Well, we're always grateful for anything, sir

- Shall we say another five pounds? - That's very generous of you

Come along everybody

Just a moment Mr. Brown

Where are you going? l haven't made out my report yet

Yeah but l've just given you five pounds to forget it

Oh no sir

You've very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund

- lt wasn't meant as a bribe, was it sir? - No

Good, now let's take a few names

- You Madam, sorry Miss - Courtney

- Thank you! You sir - Si

- What is your name? - Por favor

- How do you spell that? - That's not his name

- Giving me a false name, eh? - Por favor

l'll come back to you, Mr. Por Favor or whatever your name is

- You - Yes please

- What is your name? - No, Watt is not my name

l don't want to know what your name is not

- What is your name? - And l am telling you it is not

- You, what is his name? - Nein

Now we're getting somewhere Mr. Nine

- That is not his name? - You just said it was

You ask me if his name is Watt, and l tell you Nein

His name is not Watt but also not Nein

l'm going around the bend

- What is his name? - Absolutely not

Not what?

That is correct

- What is your name? - Wrong again

- He's not here - Who's not here?

- Watt - Pardon

Who is not here and Watt is not here neither

You're all barmy

Mr. Brown, if l promise not to proceed with this report

- Will you do me a favour? - Yes what is it?

Take these crackpots out of here and promise never to bring them back

Even if they've committed a murder!

Good evening Miss Courtney or should l say Miz

Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident

Sorry

l hope you've explained to your lndian lady the difference between Free and Free Offer

Yes, she understands it! Don't worry, it won't happen again

Excuse me! l'm looking for a Jamila Ranjhatt

- Are you thinking what l'm thinking? - l hope not

Why do you want Jamila?

She ordered a mini bike from us over a month ago and she hasn't paid us

We've sent her three invoices

- She actually ordered the bike - Oh yes, she sent in the coupon

- Here it is - Oh no, she's done it again

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