Original subtitles

- Excuse me young man - Si se�ora

- Are you in Mr. Brown's class? - Por favor

Mr. Brown's class! Brown! Mr. Brown

Ah s�! Juan Cervantes

Para servirla, se�ora

Yes, but are you in Mr. Brown's class?

- English as a foreign language? - Por favor?

Are you really as stupid as you look?

Excuse me

You are in Mr. Brown's class, aren't you?

Are you or aren't you?

- Doesn't Mr. Brown teach you anything? - Por favor?

- You - Yes please Missy

Can l be assisting you in any way whatsoever?

At last a breakthrough

- Are you in Mr. Brown's class? - No, l'm in corridor

- Do you think you could give him a message - Most certainly

- l am Miss Courtney - l am Ranjeet Singh

Just at this particular moment, l'm not really bothered in who you are

l just want you to give Mr. Brown a message

l will be very happy to comply with your request

Would you tell Mr. Brown l would like a word with him

Most certainly

Which word would you like?

Just say l want to speak to him

Foreigners!

Quiet please!

Settle down!

Good evening

So we appear to be some missing l hope they haven't dropped out

Please it would not be surprising me

l am always thinking that Sikh, son of Guru, was a Punjabi drop out

l am hearing what you are saying, you miserable spawn of ajackal

Don't you two start again! Actually, you're late

A thousand apologies for this unforgivable tardiness

But we were all unavoidably detained in the corridor by a lady

Si, si

Do l take it Juan that you understood what Ranjeet was saying?

- Por favor? - Sorry i asked

Who was this lady who detained you in the corridor?

Oh blimey! l am forgetting her name

She was big lady. Very large bosoms

Grandioso, very good!

Yes, well while you are trying to remember her name, perhaps you'd better sit down

Now l hope you've all done your homework

Excuse me please! l am remembering the name! Missy Courtney

- Miss Courtney - Yes absolutely

The lady with the large bosoms

- She is wanting to see you - Well, she'll just have to wait

Excuse me please! She is already waiting

She may be the principal but l have a class to teach! Now as l was saying...

Ah Miss large... Miss Courtney

- l was just on my way to see you actually - That's not the impression l got

- l shan't be a moment class - lt's all right, don't bother

l'm here only to tell you that you can expect another student

- Jolly good! The more the merrier - You're not here to make merry Mr. Brown

No, it was just a figure of speech

You'd better try to teach a few figures of speech to your students

- They seem to be in need of it - l'm doing my best

- Miss Courtney? - Yes

This new student! What nationality can l expect?

- African - African! Thank you

Remember, i asked you to write an essay or short story about your life here in England

l hope you've all done so, have you?

Good, good! l'll go round the class and ask each of you to read out what you've written

Anna, should we start with you?

- My life in England by Anna Schmidt - Good! Very good

- Yeah but go on - There's no more

- You mean that's all there is? - Ya

l half no time to write more! Always that Mrs. Valker is keeping me busy

Anna do this - Anna do that! She is a slavedriver that Mrs Valker

- Walker - Vat?

W is pronounced 'Weh'! Your employer's name is Walker

Ya, Valker

Do you know how many shirts Mrs Valker make me iron last night?

- Walker - Ya Valker

Twelve! Then l had to prepare a meal for the bitch

Anna, she may be a hard taskmistress but l don't think you ought to call her that

- Who? - Mrs. Valker... Walker

- l vas meaning the dog bitch - Oh l see

That is vy l am having no time for the homework

Well, not to worry! You really must concentrate on those 'double u' sounds

Danielle, would you like to read us your essay?

Oui

What l like about England! By Mamselle Danielle Favre

Telephone 2468021

Good! Carry on!

- Scusi - Yes, Giovanni?

Was it 8021 or 8012?

8021 ! Look, never mind what number it was

You're here to improve your English not chat up other students

You are absolutely right Professori!

lt's just l'd like to improve my French as well

You can do that in your own time

- Carry on Danielle - Zank you

l like England because ze grass is so green, and ze pople are so nice

- People - Yes

Especially ze men

Quiet! Quiet

Englishmen are so charming, so handsome and so sexy

Silence please

Yeah, l think that will do Danielle

But l have written much more... all about the things l like to do at night

Yes well, l don't think we'd better go into those

l'll be reading all your essays later

Jamila... l don't suppose you've written anything, have you?

Written... anything?

- No - No

You really must start to speak a little, Jamila... Speak

No, no! ln English! You must try to speak in English

Look! Try saying Good evening

All right, lets start with 'good'! Good, Good

lt's not difficult! Come on! Good, Good

You nearly said it then! Come on! Good

Please! No prompting

Gud

Excellent! Well done

Now try 'evening'! Evening!

lt's not difficult Jamila! Go on! Evening

Yes, yes! Come on

Gud!

l know you can say 'good'! Say 'evening'! Evening

Efening! Efening! Efening

- Good - Efening

Now put them both together! Good evening

Gud efening

Good efening

Very good Jamila

Well done

We'll try some new words later

- Now Su-Lee, have you written anything? - Yes, yes

What l rike about England

England is becoming more porriticarry minded and gladually more reft wing

The overthlow of decadent capitaristic government will soon take prace

As working crasses become more educated

And emblace Communism as the tlue way of rife

Workers levolution getting nealer

With inevitable corrapse of lmpeliaristic bougoise interrectual society

Yes! Well if thats what you like about England

l wouldn't want to hear what you didn't like

- Excuse pleaso - Yes Taro

May l have small observations on youngo radies discourse

Which will also irrustrate incleased knowledge of Engrisho

- Certainly Taro! Go ahead - With lespecto

Youngo rady speak road of cobras

Attitude typical of Fascist Nipponese

Japan civilised countly noto rike China lun by peasanto

- Chinese not peasants - Japanese not Fascisto

Su Lee! Su Lee! Come back

Taro, please go and apologize

- Apologize? - Yes

Noto my faulto

Never mind whose faulto it was! Go and apologize

Ah prease

Waito

Waito

Waito

- Mrs. Courtney - Miss

l'm Roger Kenyon... from the Education Authority

l was told they were sending an inspector round

- But l really didn't expect - He would be black

- He would be so young - My apologies

But the authority likes to check that the standards of the evening classes

are up to par

l can assure you that my standards here are well over par

l'm glad to hear it

Well Mr. Kenyon, if you'd like to come with me, l'll show you round

No, no please! l'd ratherjust wander around on my own, if you don't mind

l usually get a much clearer picture that way

- Everything all right? - Everything's okay

- We have agleed to differ - Good

- Excuse me - Ah, our new African

- Pardon? - Yeah, l've been expecting you

- Me? - Yes, l was told l'd have a new pupil

Look, it's nearly time for our tea break

So why don't you just sit at the back for a moment, and l'll get your particulars later

- But please... - Be a good chap! Don't argue, just sit down

- All right? - Yes, but...

- Sit? - Yes please

O.K. Me sit!

There you are!

10 p, dear! Thank you love, that's it

Next!

- You sitta here - Merci

- l get coffee - Merci

- Coffee black? - Sank you please

Coffee black

- l'm gettada coffee for Danielle - Too bad

- Sugar? - Merci

How about a biscuit? You like a biscuit?

- l would like that! - Good

l'll be back

A packet of biscuits, please

Wait your turn! There's a queue here! Go on

Next

Gud efening

- Yes, good evening! Tea or coffee? - Gud efening

l heard you the first time! Tea or coffee?

- Char - Ah, tea

- Ten p. - Gud efening

- Ten P. - l'll pay for that

- And a coffee for me - And a coffee for you

- Are you Mr. Brown? - Yes

l've got a message for you from her ladyship

- Lady who? - Miss Courtney!

She's just been in here! She wants to see you

- l know what she does want - Yes, Mr. Brown?

You want to see me

ln my office! Lmmediately

- Careful, thats coffee! You'll spill it - Por favor?

- That's coffee! - Gracias

- Same again, please - Here you go Mr. Brown

- Thanks - Thank you

- A packet of biscuits, please! - l'm sorry, we haven't any left

Good! You've come to have a cup of coffee?

- Coffee? - Yes! Coffee, this stuff

Thank you

Enter

lt has taken you 2 min 38 sec exactly to come to my office immediately

l'm glad l didn't ask you to take your time

l'm sorry! l was detained

l thought l'd better tell you that an inspector has arrived

- Well my conscience is clear - l beg your pardon?

Apart from the odd parking ticket, l've never been in any trouble with the police

- An education inspector - Oh, l'm sorry! How stupid of me

Yes! Well he'll probably want to call in on your class

Don't worry, l'll deal with him

You don't deal with inspectors from the local authority, Mr. Brown

You cossett them, flatter them and agree with everything they say

Yes, l'll do that as well

- l expect he'll want to see your register - My register?

- You do have a register? - Oh, that register! Yes of course

You'd better call it as soon as you get back to your class

By the way while you're here

The local authorities want me to fill in a few details about you on this form

- l've got your name - Yes

- Address - yes

- Sex - Occasionally

- Sorry - Married?

No, l was engaged once!

As a matter of fact, l proposed marriage but it didn't really work out

There was quite a lot of opposition

- Her father? - No, her husband

l didn't realize she was married

- What do you do during the day? - Nothing at the moment, l'm afraid

- l'm waiting for a suitable position - And what was your last position?

l was teaching at a secondary modern school but l left

l couldn't stand any more beatings

l didn't think teachers beat children any more

They don't! lt was the other way round

l think you'd better take this form, fill it in yourself and give it to me later

Right

And do be careful what you say to the lnspector

Of course!

Oh, by the way... the new student has arrived

You wouldn't forget to add the name to the register, would you?

Danielle, what you do hafter class?

- l go back home to learn ze English - Hey l'm going to learn English as well

Maybe we learn together

- Yes but what about poor Max? - Yeah

What about the poor Max?

l'm crying my eyes out

- l have an idea - l have lots of ideas

Why not you and Max study together?

All right class! Settle down please! Quiet!

Now, the first thing we have to do before anything else is to call the register

- Sorry - That's quite all right

l expect you'll have a bit of difficulty finding your way round at first

Things will seem rather strange

- Yes, very strange - Yes

lt must be quite a change coming from one of the under-developed countries

To our more advanced way of life

- Oh yes - Still, your people are doing remarkably well

- Did you fly here? - Fly?

What do you mean, Bwana?

Fly! ln a big iron bird

Quite a change from riding an elephant

Unless you came by Jumbo

- English joke - Very funny

Perhaps you'd better sit down

Now, l'm gonna call out your names

- Will you please answer present - Present

Yes Ali, but wait until l call your name out

Sorry please

- Ranjeet Singh - Present and correct please

- Giovanni Cuppello - Si proffessori

- No Giovanni! Not proffessori - No proffessori

No, you should address me as Sir

- Sir - yes

Now l understand

You have been togetta knotted

Come again

To become a Sir! You got Knotteda by the queen

The word is knighted! And l'm not that kind of sir

Maximillian Papandrious

Maximillian Papandrious

- Mr. Brown is speaking to you - ls he?

- Oh sorry, you want something? - Are you here or not?

Sure l'm here

- Taro Nagazumi - Ah so

Plesento

- Anna Schmidt - Ja, present

- Su Lee Chung - Plesent

- Ali Nadim - Gift

- Gift? - l'm surprising you, no?

Each day l am learning new English word

And l am finding that gift is another word for present

- Very ingenious - Thank you very much

- Danielle Favre - Presente and l'm all here

l can see that

- Jamila Ranjha - Ranjhi

Gud efening

- Yes, you're here! And Juan Cervantes - Por favor

- Present - Por favor?

- You are here - Present

l'd better take down your particulars otherwise l may get into hot water

You are going to have a hot bath?

No Ali, it's just another way of saying l may get into trouble

Oh dear! You have been committing some grievous misdemeanour?

Not at all! There's an inspector from the local Education Authority coming round

- The big boss - Yes

l suppose you could say that

But from my experience they're usually interfering old fogies

- You don't like them? - Not particularly

Frankly, they're quite useless and they are as outdated as their teaching methods

l mean, what is the point of learning past participles

Cognate objects or subordinate clauses?

Far more useful to try to teach foreign students

how to order a meal or find accommodations

- You appear to have some unique ideas - l suppose l have

- You know you speak English fairly well - Thank you

What is your name?

- Roger Kenyon - Roger Kenyon

Ah Miss Courtney!

l'm just completing the register and getting the details of our new student

Before that inspector chappie pokes his nose in

Oh, no!

- Mr. Brown - l shan't be a moment Miss Courtney

- What is yourjob? - lnspector

What local transport?

Local Education Authority

l thought he was the new student

- The new student is a female - ls she? You didn't tell me that

My apologies Mr. Kenyon, l do assure you that Mr. Brown will be severely dealt with

l can't remember when l last enjoyed myself so much

- l beg your pardon - Enjoyed yourself?

You know Miss Courtney, your Mr. Brown is a remarkable man

- l am? - He is?

Yes! His teaching methods may be revolutionary but they appear to work

l've always encouraged my staff to be forward thinking

l'll pass on your comments to the Authority

Perhaps they'll revise their textbooks

Now if you'll excuse me, l must put in an appearance at the other classes

Very well

Keep up the good work, Mr. Brown and thank you very much for the coffee

l'll come with you Mr. Kenyon

Blimey you are dropping a clinker

- You mean clanger - Yes please

Yes right! Let's continue with our lessons

Get out your textbooks! l'm going to give you all a few exercises

Scusi professori sir! l cannot do any exercises

- Why not? - l gottada bad back

Excuse me! l was looking for...

Ah, at last! A pity you didn't arrive half an hour earlier

Why?

You might've saved me a great deal of embarrassment

With a certain African gentleman

Yes, he was the inspector but l mistook him for you

- You thought a gentleman was me? - Yes

The silly fool pretended to be a student, sit in the back to catch me out

But l saw through him

l gather you think he was a bit stupid

Definitely, thick as a brush

- Was his name Mr. Kenyon? - Yes

- Do you know him? - l should do

l've come to collect him! l'm his wife!

Oh blimey yes!

You have dropped another clinker