All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S06E06.WEB.H264-13

CLARKSON: Tonight,
Question Time comes to
our Reasonably Priced Car.

Bugger!

Aston's DB9 racer
comes to our track.

And an offshore power boat
against a Mercedes SLR.

Hello! Now, tonight,
we have our biggest
Top Gear challenge ever.

You may remember,
in the past we've raced
an Aston Martin DB9

against one of the
200-mile-an-hour trains
to Monte Carlo.

Then we raced a Ferrari
612 Scaglietti like this

against a plane
to Verbier in Switzerland.

Yes. And both times,
the car won.

So, we have shown that
the car is faster than a train
and faster than a plane.

Now, though, it's time
for the big one.
Is it faster than a boat?

See, here's the deal. Okay?

We get many letters
asking us...

"What is the fastest way of
getting from London to Oslo?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Actually, that's a lie.

We've never had
a single letter
on the subject,

and now we never will,

because tonight,
we're going to find out.

We are. Now,
the starting point for
our race is here, Heathrow.

James and I will be catching
a plane up to Newcastle,

and then hopping
on the ferry over to Norway.
It's simple.

Meanwhile, I will be
driving all the way
around the M25,

through the
Channel Tunnel,
France, Belgium,

Holland, Germany, Denmark,
which is much bigger
than it looks on any map,

up through Sweden
and then finally to Oslo.

-Yes, an that's
how many miles?
-1,320.

Which is a lot.

Which is why I decided
to get myself
a very serious car.

And here it is.

A £330,000
Maclaren Mercedes SLR.

A car designed to be fast
and comfortable.

Exactly the qualities you need

when you have to
get across eight countries
in a single day.

-Ready for this?
-Oh, yes!

-Ready?
-Yes!

'Cause as I see it,
you're going to spend
all day queuing,

and then all night
in a nightclub
on a car ferry

-dancing with lorry drivers.
-Pretty much, yeah.

-Yeah, but then you...
-What are you
gonna be doing?

Driving, man... A lot!

I have to say I've got
every confidence in this car.

-In the car, yeah.
-Yes.

In the driver, he's old.
His hip's gone.
He'll never make it.

I can't believe
we're doing this again.

I think we really should
beat him this time.
I'm going to run!

CLARKSON: Heathrow to Oslo.

I'm mad for doing this!

-Hello. Newcastle, please.
-Hello.

Can I check your passport?

-Is the flight delayed?
-No, there's no delay
on the flight.

-What sort of aeroplane is it?
-737.

-737?
-Yes.

-Is it a 737-400...
-Stop it. Please stop it.

It's funny, sitting here,
it's impossible
to tell, really,

that I'm in one of the most
powerful road cars ever made.

Till I put my foot down,
of course, and then...
Yes, now it's... Yes!

See, the SLR was designed
so you could
cruise to the Nurburgring,

listening to Terry Wogan,
do a mind-blowing lap,

and then cruise home again
listening to Ken Bruce.

What I can't bear about
air travel is this business
of getting here an hour early

to check in, checking in,
and then you just
sit around, wasting time.

I'm in a hurry. There's
nothing to do but buy rubbish
you don't need.

Yeah, you just made
my point, mate.

CLARKSON: Right,
it was time to set
the Merc's sat nav for Oslo.

So there we are,
it's saying it's 1,320 miles.

SAT NAV: Prepare
to keep right.

Continue to follow the M25...

Good job.
I've got some power.

Hurry! Hurry!

Come on, man! I've got
a ferry to catch!
I'm in a race! Come on!

Ah!

-Hurry up and wait.
-Queue situation.

-Channel Tunnel straight...
-Now turn left.

The Channel Tunnel
is straight. I can read!

You useless harridan!

CLARKSON: Despite the sat nav,
I reach the Channel Tunnel
with time to spare.

-That's an airbus-A340.
-I don't care about the plane!

HAMMOND: Meanwhile,
we'd only managed
to get from the check-in

to the steps of the plane.

So, it's a short flight
to Newcastle, and then
we're on that boat?

Yeah.

-And we're on it for...
-17 hours.

-But he has got to drive...
What is it? 1,300 miles.
-1,300 miles.

He's going to have to stop.

But we're gonna be
still be travelling
while we're sleeping.

We're travelling now.

Part of me really, actually
wants that car to win, though.

-But all of me wants
Jeremy to lose.
-Wants Jeremy to lose.

CLARKSON: Obviously,
you get a CD auto-changer
with the SLR

and the office has
very kindly provided me
with two CDs.

"Teach Yourself Norwegian."

Fluent already.

101 Classic Speeches
from Mrs Thatcher!

(IMITATING THATCHER)
"No, no, no, no, no, no,
this lady's not for turning!"

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Welcome to Newcastle
where the local time is 1:00.

-(PHONE RINGS)
-HAMMOND: Hello?

CLARKSON: Hamster!

-How are you?
-Not very well, mate.

-Why are you not very well?
-You know the 1:30 train
we're catching?

-Yes.
-No.

-You've missed your train?
-No, haven't missed it.
it just doesn't exist.

What do you mean it doesn't...
How can it not exist?

I've given public transport
one little chance,

one little section
of my journey,
and it's let me down.

Yeah, you missed your train,
but that's okay.

It doesn't exist!

You can get one after 2:00.
We've got a bus to catch.
So we're off.

Bye!

(PHONE DISCONNECTS)

-He sounded a bit cross
towards the end of that.
-So he's missed it?

Yes, and he's got
some preposterous
excuse that,

"There isn't one!"

-"They've demolished
the terminal."
-"Everybody else is wrong."

HAMMOND: While Jeremy
waited for his train,

we'd lunged ahead
and were now on our way
to Newcastle's ferry terminal.

-Oh, good!
-Bus! Excellent!

Come on!

As soon as we get off
this bus, we get straight on
to the big boat,

which is like a big party.

You've built this thing up.

No, I've been on it before.

CLARKSON: Ooh, spooky!

I wonder what the fastest
anyone has ever been
in a Eurotunnel train.

How tempting is it to...

No, no, no! Grow up!

You've got a band, cocktail,
beautiful dancing girls
everywhere,

17 hours of being forced
to enjoy yourself.

Yes!

So do I just drive
all the way
to France in the train?

-We have James...
Hello there, James.
-That's me.

Permission to come
aboard, skipper?

-Stop it, James.
Please, stop it!
-Have a nice voyage.

-Can you make this boy
walk the plank, please?
-Whatever. Get on the boat!

CLARKSON: Unbelievable!
I still hadn't left England!

(BEEPING)

That's enough
health and safety.
Can we go now?

MAN ON P.A.: ...followed by
an evacuation announcement...

Will you stop this whole
nautical term thing?

That you are then
abaft the beam.

Safety instructions are also
displayed on the side panels.

Oh, it's pretty large.

Pretty blowy as well.

If you ask to be piped aboard,
I'm throwing you off.

-(ANNOUNCEMENT IN FRENCH)
-We gotta have it in French!

Start the train!

MAY: We've got a touch
of over-steer
on the Princess here.

HAMMOND: Bit of tailing
action occurring.

-He's turning it around.
-Yes, I realise that.

-Which way is the sea?
-He's not turning around,
he's going about.

CLARKSON: It's going!

Jeremy.

Since we are in a box
for half an hour,

it's probably a good idea
to explain
why I chose the SLR.

You see, most super cars
are so brittle and so fragile,

that when they are
being developed,

they have to be
transported everywhere
like Hannibal Lecter.

But with this,
But when they were
cold-weather testing it,

they drove it up
to the Arctic Circle,
did the test,

and then drove it
all the way back again.

Oslo should just be
a langlauf in the park.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

May.

MAY: Ahoy there, Clarkson!

Stop talking
in stupid nautical terms.

-It's not Blue Peter...
Where are you, then?

There's no other word for it.
I'm thundering through
Northern France. And you?

We're on the poop deck
of the Princess just
steaming out of Newcastle.

All right, so
now the race is on.

Very much so, I'd say.

I just wanted to ask you.
How many horsepower
have you got in your Mercedes?

Oh, 626.

(ENGINE REVVING)

That's the sound
of a lot of horsepowers.

Do you know
how many I've got?

Oh, I don't know, 100?

25,000.

Twenty-five thousand, sir.
Think about that

as you drive along
in your small hatchback.

-I've got to go now, Jeremy.
-Take care.
Hope you lose. Bye.

CLARKSON: Frankly, though,
the chances of me
winning looked bleak.

On the sea,
you can go in a straight line.

On land, you can't.

So, this is it.
We're really under way.
Out there's the North Sea.

Seventeen hours across there
to Kristiansand in Norway.

And then,
we're on the way to Oslo.
So, we're getting serious now.

-Fancy a game
of table football?
-Brilliant idea.

This thing was just designed
to eat the miles.

I mean, watch this.
Okay, ready?

Blink.
And there's
the Belgian border!

Ninety-eight miles
of France, gone. Poof!
In the blink of an eye.

Have you got a fog horn?

-Huh?
-Fog horn?
(MIMICS HORN BLOWING)

-Oh, yes, we have.
-Can we try it?

You can try it.

(HORN BLOWS)

Oh! That's a good sensation.

CLARKSON: So, Belgium...

A lot of people say that
not much happens here,

but that's simply not true.

Did you know that
Belgium has

the only fully lit
motorway network
in the world?

Did you know that?

There you are, you see.

If there's one thing
that's annoying me
at the moment,

and there is only one thing,
it's the brakes.

'Cause look, I want to
slow down a bit...
Nothing, nothing.

Push harder!
Argh, my face comes off.

Just want
something in-between.

To take my mind off
the braking problems,
I turned on the CD player!

THATCHER:
U-turn if you want to...

(APPLAUSE)

Very good.

The lady's not for turning.

(IMITATING THATCHER)
No, no, no!

And then I hit Holland
at rush hour.

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

The traffic was appalling.

(PHONE RINGS)

-CLARKSON: Hello.
-Jeremy!

Yes, how are you doing?

We're very well.
We're on the bridge.

It's very exciting.
Where are you?

We're in Holland,
we're not doing as well
as we'd hoped.

It's nice here.
We've booked
a table for dinner.

And we're still
ahead of you.

Okay. But do bear
in mind, Richard,
that I'm penetrating Germany.

The time I've lost
in Holland, trust me,

I'm going to make up
on those autobahns.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure.

What are you
having for dinner?

We haven't decided.
We think we might
go for the Scandinavian...

-Scandinavian buffet.
-Scandinavian buffet.

I'm having a Thai supper.

Would you like anything
from the bar? Oh, you can't.

Can you, now?
That'd be a problem.

No, no, I'm well catered for
with drinks.

And I'm going
a damned sight
faster than you are.

-Bye-bye. Good luck.
-Bye. Take care.

Hammond! Ha-ha!

The tallest race on Earth now,
the Dutch, officially.

Mind you,
they do take a lot of drugs.

That's why they like Top Gear
so much. Hello, Dutchie.

We got a pub, a casino,
a nightclub,
a disco and another bar.

Then on the next deck
we've got another restaurant,
and we've got another bar,

and yet another restaurant
and some
conference facilities.

So, we could say,
one thing we're not
short of is facilities.

In fact, we've got a lot
more to do than, let's say,
for instance, Jeremy.

CLARKSON: Actually,
I did have something to do.

Find a new route
round the top of Holland
to miss the traffic

and work out
how fast I should drive

on the fast-approaching
autobahns.

What I've got to do
on this journey, really,

is balance
fuel economy and speed,

because if I drive this car
flat out, 208 miles an hour,

it will empty its 21-gallon
fuel tank in 19 minutes.

Nineteen minutes!
21 gallons, gone!

CLARKSON: As the sun set,
the boys prepared
for a night out.

And I find myself
riding on top of
Holland's biggest dyke.

Eight hundred
and thirty-one
miles still to go.

Still, Germany soon.

Bring it on!

To our future.

Stop doing that. Please.

You can start doing the
nautical references instead,
if you like.

I've really enjoyed
our day out together, Richard.

It's not very often
I get to take someone
out for a nice dinner.

This car's a bit like
a chemist's shop.

Just dumps adrenaline
every time you move
your right foot.

-SAT NAV: Please take
the next exit on the right.
-Shut up!

I know he can be
a bit of a pain
and everything...

-Who?
-Jeremy.

-Yeah.
-But that is a very
long way to drive.

-Yeah.
I mean, he's still
got hundreds

and hundreds
and hundreds of miles...

Hmm.

So, here we are in Germany.
The last refuge
of the speed freak.

CLARKSON: Two hundred
and fifty-two
miles of autobahn

where we'll see
what the SLR
is really made of.

It's probably a good time now

to talk about this car's
ferocious engine.

It's a big supercharged V8
and it needs to be big,

because the supercharger
needs 120 brake horsepower

just to run it.

(MUSIC BLARES)

But has Jeremy
got dancing girls in his...
That's a very expensive car.

-But it doesn't have
dancing girls. No.
-No, I don't think it has. No.

65% of Germany's autobahns
are restricted.

But not this bit.

That is now
160 miles an hour!

And it's legal.

Oh! This is quick now.

(LAUGHING)
I'm such a child.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYS)

If you ask me to dance,
I'll stab you.

CLARKSON: As the boys slipped
ever more deeply
into their drinking trousers,

I hit Denmark
and started to feel weary.

Apparently,

if you drive
after you've been
awake 18 hours,

your concentration levels
are around the same

as someone who's hovering
around the drink-drive limit.

And if you drive
after you've been
awake for 24 hours,

your concentration levels
are about the same as someone

who's had half
a bottle of scotch.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

THATCHER:
British sovereign territory

has been invaded
by a foreign power.

It is very late now,
but I've got everything
a man needs to stay awake.

ProPlus, energy drink,

coffee, Mrs Thatcher...

and 626 brake horsepower.

And none of it was working.

At times like this,
desperate measures
are called for, so I...

What I like to do is reach
for my packet of Spunk.

Oh, yeah.

Now I'm ready.
Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Oh, I don't like Spunk.

Onwards!

Right, well, now...

It's midnight.
I've done 650 miles.

I've been on the go
for 12 hours
and guess what!

I'm halfway.

This is where our race starts.

-Is it?
-Now, we're gonna
go to sleep,

and we're still moving.
Look at that speed.

-Do you think he will stop?
-He's old.

He's got an arthritic hip.
He will have to stop.

I've got the window down.

That's good.

Well, I would and you would,
but I don't think Jeremy will

because he'll become obsessed
by power and winning.

THATCHER: That country's
armed forces attacked the
Falkland Islands yesterday.

MAN: The message we've got is
that British troops landed on
South Georgia this afternoon.

Yes!

He'll just drive on
through the night.

He can't possibly.
This is where
we start to win. Honestly.

It's the first yawn.

It's no good,
I'm gonna have to pull over
and get some sleep.

I finally threw in the towel
at a service station
just outside Copenhagen,

and settled down
for some kip in the world's
most expensive hotel room.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

So tired!

I was so tired. No!

Anyway, listen...

Listen, we will pick that up
in the morning,
if you see what I mean.

Later in the show.

But now it's time
for the news.

Indeed. And...
How can I put this?

Are you the sort of chap
who likes the popular melodies
from the big musicals?

Yes! Do you have
a lot of scatter cushions
around your flat?

Do you go out in a vest
at night with a moustache?

-Are you well groomed?
-Do you look like this man?

Well, we've got
the car for you.

Here it is. It's called
the Nissan Micra C+C,
coupe plus cabriolet.

You'll love this.
Come and look at this.

That's right up your street.

It goes with the face,
hair and everything.
You like that?

-Up my street.
-Up your street.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, you're about to hear.
Does it come with a hard top?

Oh! Yes, it does.

It comes with a metal
folding roof,
as is fashionable.

That's gonna cost
less than £14,000.
Coming out at Christmas.

-Coming out!
Coming out!
-(LAUGHTER)

It's already out.

The AA has launched
a road map this week.
I've got it here.

What makes this one
different is that

they've featured in it
every single
speed camera location

in the country. Okay.

Hang on. Some people
have been saying this week
that this is a bad idea.

-But we've had a meeting
and we've decided it isn't.
-It isn't.

It's a brilliant idea.
Does anyone live near
Stoke-on-Trent here?

If you go from
Stafford to Stoke...

Look, you've got
speed camera...

speed camera, speed camera,
speed camera, speed camera,
speed camera.

-It's a joke.
-That's the sort of
information we need.

Exactly. 'Cause you can go up
to Eccleshaw, then up here, no
speed cameras at all up there.

See, how can knowing that
not be a good idea?

That's a good idea.
This is the road map
we must all have.

Good news for
rural inbreds this week.

Hummer, the people
who make those enormous
pseudo military off-roaders,

you know the sort of thing,
they have come out
with a new range

of aftershave
and smelly stuff.

There it is. "Hummer"!
It's the first name
that springs to...

You wanna have a look at that?
There you go. It's nice.

When you open the top,
listen to the sound.

(IMITATES A BANJO)

Exactly.

-Eau de banjo.
-Guaranteed not to repel
your sister.

(LAUGHTER)

"Splash it on
and make him
squeal like a piggy."

I think that's remarkable.
A better tip,
if you're thinking about this,

just wash instead.
That'll be a better idea.

You'll love that.

Now, there's a new
Mercedes S-Class.
Here it is.

This actually is
a very important car
because as we know,

if you want to know what
gadgetry will be on your car
in ten years' time,

you look at this, 'cause
this is where it all starts.

It is. The S-Class was
the first to have
anti-lock brakes, airbags,

first with traction control.
It's always the first car to

-get the technology, yeah.
-Always ahead for that stuff.

So what's that one got?

Infrared headlights.

Infrared light's
invisible, James.

But is it?
We can't see it,

but the image from it
is displayed on
a screen in the car,

so, that means, as you're
driving along at night,

you can see badgers
hundreds of yards away.

So there's more chance
of hitting them.

Exactly.

HAMMOND: I think avoiding
is what they're thinking.

Avoiding. Yeah,
I meant avoiding.

-What else?
-Massage seats
with four settings.

Ooh, so you can select
"Happy Finishtronic".
That'd be nice.

-I want the Vietnamese
sandwich massage.
-So do I.

What is it?

It's where the other seat
covers itself in baby oil,
then rolls on top of you,

and you get this thing
going on
as you're driving along.

Sounds a bit dangerous,
to be honest,
if you're driving.

Not in this car, though.

'Cause this car knows
when you're going
to have a crash.

-Really? How?
-Yes.

It's got sensors and radars.

If you're going to
hit something,
it puts the brakes on,

and does
an emergency stop

quicker, they say,
than you could
actually do it yourself.

And then, what about
if something brakes
and then sets off again?

-Then you'll set off again.
-Automatically?

Yes, you don't need your legs.

You don't need legs at all?
You just sit there... Oh, yes.

-Not having accidents
all the way home?
-Yes.

This is the car for me.
Now, if you've got
small children watching,

might I make a suggestion,
please send them to bed?

Because what we've got
coming up now is...

-Well, it's pornography,
to be honest.
-Yes. R-rated stuff.

We've had Nine Songs,
9 and 1/2 Weeks,
and now this.

CLARKSON: Yep, this is
the Alpha Romeo Brera,

and we think
it may very well be

the best-looking car that
money can buy today.
What do you think? Yes?

Do you think so?
Anyone got any better-looking
cars that you can think of?

Aston Martin Vanquish.

You've come here
with that hair
to comment on style?

Right! Anybody else?

You've got a theory?

-Ford Mondeo?
-(ALL LAUGHING)

I...

The SD220.

-The best-looking car?
In the world ever...
-Yes. It is. It is.

...is a Ford Mondeo SD...

Your aspirations
are pathetic, man!

Have you seen the lights...
I mean, look at
the way all this...

It's just gorgeous
from every angle.

I mean, everything about it.
Have you seen
the door handles?

Look, it's all special bits.

I only have to imagine this
in black with tan leather
and I'm nursing a semi.

Yep. You could set up
on one of those
premium phone lines.

"Tell me about your Brera.
Is it black? Tan leather?"
It's too much.

It is. Have you seen
inside this thing? Look!

It's got sat nav,
telephone and buttons...

I mean, they'll
all break, obviously,
but God, that's amazing.

HAMMOND: It looks gorgeous.

You cannot be
a true petrol-head
until you've owned an Alpha,

until you've experienced
that roller coaster of

pain and disappointment
and agony

for the brief moment
when everything works
and you're on a nice road.

They are...
Has anyone here got an Alpha?

(SHOUTS)

"Yes." you see,
human beings are way
over there at the back.

They had to walk
the last ten miles but
the first ten were brilliant.

Absolutely.
They are gorgeous cars.

You've never had one,
though, have you?

No, but I think
I might be about to.

Do you want to get
some details on it?

-Go on. Yeah.
-Price?

Starting at around £25,000.

-You're joking.
-No.

-For something that
looks like that?
-I know.

£25,000 to 35,000,
probably,

depending on what engine
you have.

Engines, you've got
2.2 litre, 3.2 V6.

You can have a diesel
if you're the sort of person

who thinks the Mona Lisa
should have a moustache.

-It's down a bit.
-It's down a bit.
But nevertheless...

It's just magnificent.

I'd love to meet someone
who looks at this and goes,

"No, I think I'll have
a BMW, actually."

'Cause I think now we have
a new definition of insanity.

Someone who could buy
one of these and then
buys something else.

Yeah.

Right. Our quest continues
to find the greatest
driving song of all time.

We're down to the final five.
Here's this week's candidate.

(BORN TO BE WILD PLAYING)

MAY: Our second finalist is
one of the all-time great
American rock songs.

# Get your motor runnin'

# Head out on the highway

# Lookin' for adventure

# And whatever
comes our way...

Released in 1968,

during troubled times,
Born To Be Wild
became an anthem

for every biker
and every rebel

who'd had enough of
being told what to do.

# Like a true nature's child

# We were born,
born to be wild

# We can climb so high

# I never wanna die

# Born to be wild

Americans like their driving
a certain way.

An empty road, a big horizon
and no bends.

# Get your motor running...

And Born To Be Wild,
the first song to use
the phrase "heavy metal",

is the perfect soundtrack
for this backdrop.

# ...whatever comes our way

# Yeah, darlin',
gonna make it happen...

It may not work as well
on the A412 into Slough.

But just close
your eyes and imagine.

Well, actually,
don't close your...
You know what I mean.

# We were born,
born to be wild

# We can climb so high
I never wanna die #

So, to vote for Steppenwolf,
you telephone 09011 986363.

That call will cost you 10p.
You can also do it
on the interweb,

bbc.co.uk/topgear.

You can vote for
any song at any time

but I should warn you
that research has
recently revealed

that voting for Meat Loaf
means you are
statistically twice as likely

to have no mates!

That is true, actually.

Anyway, we must now move on
and meet our guest.

He really is the voice
of the nation.

He's the man we turn to
in moments of
solemnity and gravity,

times of change,
times of crisis.

And tonight we've got him
driving round an airfield

in a small, cheap
Japanese hatchback.

Ladies and gentlemen,
David Dimbleby!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(GREETING INDISTINCTLY)

Have a seat.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The master himself,

the master is among us.

You really are a part of
a broadcasting
dynasty, aren't you?

Um, there have been
other people in my family
who've been broadcasters, yes.

Your brother on ITV,
and your father,

he pretty much started
BBC Radio news, didn't he?

He did start BBC Radio news.

So, are your kids
going into broadcasting?

Because by the time
they get into TV,
it's just going to be...

-Britain's Heaviest
Paving Slab.
-Yes.

and Britain's Muddiest
Golfball, and it'll all
just be rubbish.

-No, it will
never be like that.
-You don't think so?

We've been doing this
A Picture of Britain thing,
and it's had a fan...

I've been in television
45 years,

I've never had...
You never know whether
a thing's gonna work or not,

And this has suddenly
hit the bull's eye.

So things... It means people
like serious programming.

Which, as far as
I can work out,

mostly involves driving down

really beautiful, empty roads.
Bit unrealistic!

If I may be so... I don't know
where you got that idea from!

But we were doing lyrical,
you see, we wanted it to look

calming and reassuring.

The reason I chose this car
was it was just unobtrusive,
the Land Rover.

We've got it here, actually.

DIMBLEBY:I'm amazed
it arrived in one piece!

CLARKSON: I was looking at
your one this morning.

It is hysterical when you look
at the engineering on it.

"Well, we need some hinges
for this back door.

"There's some from
my garden gate,
they're hinges, they'll do."

-Every single bit of it...
-The drive shaft
fell off on the motorway,

the front tyre blew
on the motorway,

the, um, what do you
call that, brake?

-Handbrake.
-.Handbrake broke.

-Didn't work at all.
-You can always
put it in gear.

And the nice thing is,
when you're driving
around in the car,

we did a lot of it
in the winter,

the rain comes in,
and the snow comes in,

and you're sitting there
and you feel you're
out in the open air.

So, are you one of
these people that
thinks that

roads have somehow
spoiled the countryside?

I don't know, really.
I mean, I'll tell you
one way they've spoilt it,

which is, if you go...

We went to places where
painters had been,
you know, 200 years ago.

And the scene would be exactly
as it was 200 years ago,

but there would be
this hum all the time
and it would be...

This was in Kent, in fact,
and it was the
motorway to Dover.

Dual carriageways make
just this constant noise.

But they are beautiful.
To watch a motorway snaking...

The M6,
when it snakes through,
if you get an aerial shot,

snakes through
the Lake District,

that is one of the most...
They're wonderful pieces
of engineering, motorways.

Somebody once described
the M1 to me.

He said, "Imagine it
as a skyscraper,
200 miles tall,

"but lying on its side."
That's how complicated
they are.

I mean, I just
look at them
and think,

"Much better than anything
on either side."

But you don't... (LAUGHS)

So you'd like to set up
your picnic table
in the middle of the motorway?

Slightly off to one side.

Why don't people
get out of their cars
when they do reach a place?

'Cause that's
disconcerting to me.

I think the statistic is

that they don't move
more than 200 yards,
on average, from the car.

That far?

Anyway, going back to
Picture of Britain,

you've had, I understand,
a number of complaints

about the way you drove
your Land Rover.

Yeah, absolutely.

Because of talking. You see,
I use my hands when I talk.

And the cameraman's
sitting beside you,
like where you are.

Driving along,
"The thing about Shropshire
is... Whoops!"

Changing gear and
going on talking.

You're not big on safety,
are you?

I don't believe
in what I call safety fascism.

We had a car,
we've just got
rid of it,

which I think is one
of your favourites,

which is a Volvo...

-The big...
-The XC90.

It was so soft and rolly
and no acceleration,

but the thing
that really irritated us,

if you didn't put
your seatbelt on,
it turned the radio down

until you put
your seatbelt on!
Can you believe that?

You're listening to the news,

"Here is the news
with so-and-so."

"The Prime Minister
has announced..."

(MUMBLES INAUDIBLY)

What's happened?
Put your seatbelt on.

-How far would the
Vikings have got...
-Yes.

...if they had to put
their seatbelts on
in their longboats?

"We're going raping
and pillaging.
And careful with that axe."

How dare they tell me
what to do in my car?

No, you're being foolish now,
which is not unknown,
but you are...

-You're being very foolish...
-I'm using hyperbole.

Oh! You're being clever, then?

Yes! See,
there's a big difference.

Can I talk about
your car history?

Because we have
a number of people come on,

and mostly they've had
very boring cars.

You have the best,
most interesting car history,
frankly, of anybody.

Because you had
a Lancia Fulvia,
an NSU RO80,

-a Jensen Interceptor
and a Bristol.
-Yeah.

This is what is interesting.
I'm looking at your
list of cars, okay?

Normally there's a link.

I look back at the list
of the cars I've owned
over the years,

they've all had good engines.
That was really it,
the engines.

Yours have no link other than
they are quite unreliable.

Interceptor's unreliable.

The Interceptor was
not unreliable,
except for one minor flaw,

which was that it had
one of the early
electric roofs

-that went down like that.
-Yeah.

And this is
when I got rid of it,
I have to say.

When it started raining,
you pushed the button, and
the thing was meant to go...

(MIMICS CLICK SOUND)

And I had three friends in it
and it started raining,
in Scotland, it really rained.

And I pushed the button
and the roof went...

(MIMICS MECHANICAL SOUND)

And that was that!

And I thought,
"That's not good."

'Cause I can see now
why you chose
the Land Rover for...

Noise.

-No. For the unreliability.
-Picture of Britain? Oh, yes.

"The drive shaft's gone,
I'm used to this.

"I'm used to engines going
and drive shafts coming out!"

The Sunbeam Alpine was fine,
the BMWs I've had
have been fine.

The Lancia was terrific.

Was it?
That was a pretty car.

I had a Mini,
that was good.

They're pretty cars.

That was one of the things,
they are pretty, yes.

Today, of course, you drove
a car that wasn't so pretty.

-What was this?
-The Suzuki Liana!

Oh, yes, I didn't like
to ask its name!

The little blue car
that you've been
driving around the track.

I don't think it's got much
of a second-hand value,

I have to say,
after I've been at it.

How was it, enjoyable?

I thought it was
absolutely fascinating.

We went round and round
and gradually I learnt
things I never knew.

The start,
you accelerate 4,500 revs,

and then just lift your foot
off the clutch, boom!
It was very exciting.

-Shall we see how
that worked out?
-Badly!

-AUDIENCE: Yes!
-Let's have a look at the lap.
Here we go.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

CLARKSON:
I see what you mean!
That's what's called a dumped.

Great face!

This is very tricky,
me having to
commentate on your lap

in front of possibly
the world's
greatest commentator.

And so,
as the trumpets play...

(LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: It's what to
leave out, really,
that's the key, isn't it?

It's not to talk all the time.
Chicago, there.

-Hammerhead.
-I was fighting.

This is the difficult...
I love this, the chicanes.

That's very good. Actually,
you did that beautifully.

DIMBLEBY: This is
the frightening one where you
just keep going. Look, there.

CLARKSON:
That's why we call it
the follow-through

because that's
what can happen.

And this also is... Yes!

Do you know what?
David, you had
the back wheel off the ground!

-Look!
-Oh, bugger!

You're off!

And then kept it together.
Missed the apex.
That was looking so fast.

And you're across
the line now.

I think you speed up the film.

I promise we don't
speed up the film.

And also, that was
your fastest lap,
even with the off.

-Yeah.
-So where do you think
you've come?

I've been driving
a 55mph Land Rover
for the past nine months.

So, I don't think
I would have gone very fast.
I would say I was in...

If I was at the top end
of the bottom third,
that's where I would be.

Top end
of the bottom third?

-You've done better than that.
-Have I?

You've done better than that.

I suspect that
if you hadn't had
that off on that lap

and gone onto the grass,

you'd have been
really very high up.

As it was,
because you went off,

unfortunately,
but nevertheless,
still a good time.

One minute 52 seconds dead.

-(LOUD APPLAUSE)
-So you are...

in there!

Who's that?

You are as fast as Jordan!

I'm as fast as Jordan!
A bit faster than Jordan.

You're the same speed
as Jordan, Rick Parfitt,

-Eddie Izzard and Dr...
-It's not very good.

I promise you,
if you hadn't done that,
that was such a quick lap.

That is a time about which
you can be proud.

Just try to stay
on the track next time.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
David Dimbleby!
-Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Now, Aston Martin
has brought out
a racing version of its DB9,

-and it's actually
doing all right.
-It is, yeah.

-Won in America, it won...
-Silverstone.

Ran out of petrol at Le Mans.

Still, it now has the chance
to redeem itself on our track,

which means we must
hand it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say he naturally faces
magnetic north and that
all his legs are hydraulic.

All we know is that
he's called The Stig.

CLARKSON:
It's called the DBR9,

has an all-carbon fibre body,

so it weighs nearly a ton
less than the standard DB9,

and yet its V12 chucks out
600 brake horsepower.

The result is 0 to 60
in 3.4 seconds.

And now, let's see
what that sounds like...

(ENGINE ROARS)

Ooh, pretty fantastic,
I'd say,

as The Stig spears
off the line
with plenty of wheelspin.

First corner,
gently on the way in there.

Then hard on the power,
cornering absolutely flat.

Oh, dear! The DBR9
has no stereo
so no prog rock!

Look at it,
through Chicago
with no drama at all.

Bouncing on the way
into the Hammerhead.

Slow in again,
and here comes the power.

Ooh, that's what
I'm talking about.
That is amazing!

That's not 200 miles an hour
on the speedo,
'cause this car is in euros.

Very quick through the tyres.
This is really fast,
I have to say.

He's turning in now,
downforce working with him.

Coming up to Gambon.
If he gets that one right,
we're on for a quick time.

-Any guess?
What do you reckon?
-1.18.

1.18. He reckons
one minute 18, this chap.

The actual time
was 1 minute 8 seconds!

That's how fast that thing is!

But... But...

Whoa!

You can't buy this car,
so it has
no place on our board.

-Aw.
-Sorry, it's gone.

But he's right though.
Those are the rules.

However, you can
buy one of these,

this is the DBRS9
and it's a sort of
ready-made racer.

You buy one of these,
you are an
Aston Martin racing driver.

Absolutely.

The car we've just
seen on the track,

that was the full
chicken vindaloo.

This is more
a chicken madras.

Yeah, exactly.
You only get
two chilies with this one,

but you still get
550 horsepower,

and you still get
carbon-fibre bodywork.

Absolutely.
With an aluminium roof.

He said, being pedantic.
But never mind.
How much is it?

£175,000.

So it's this
or a bungalow!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now, if you've just joined us,
Top Gear tonight is
staging a race

from London to Oslo,
I know it's a popular
commuter route.

Anyway, James and I flew
from London to Newcastle
and hopped on a ferry

across the North Sea
to Norway.

It's the sensible thing to do.
Jeremy was attempting
to beat us

by driving a McLaren Mercedes
all the way, that's through
eight countries,

an amazing 1,300 miles.

When we left the action,
James and I were tucked up
safely asleep on our ferry

still steaming across
the North Sea.

Jeremy was slumped
exhausted in his car
trying to grab a few Zs,

in a motorway service station
car park just outside
Copenhagen.

Now, we pick up
the story at dawn.

CLARKSON:
I've got it all to do now.

After my cramped,
cold sleep in the car,
I'd lost the lead,

and had to build it up
all over again.

Pedal to the metal!

Well, that is a beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful bridge.

Scrambled eggs
with smoked salmon?
That's a bit poncey.

Toast with fried eggs,
bacon and onion. Just tea.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

Hammond?

-Yes, hello.
-How are you?

Fine. Slight hangover,
but, you know.

How are you?

I've had a sleep.
Well, when I say a sleep,

sitting up
in the freezing cold

with a head
full of stimulants.

Well, we're not far
from docking.

-Where are you?
-I am south of Gothenburg.

Well, good luck.
Keep going
and we'll see you there.

Just, please try
not to beat me
'cause I couldn't bear it.

(CHUCKLES) Okay. Bye.

If I lose this,

I'll be suicidal.

The map shows the scale
of my problem, however.

They were docking in Norway

and I still had 350 miles
of Sweden to cover.

It all depended on
how they would get
from Kristiansand to Oslo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's 9:00 local time.

Jeremy is going very quick.

But we have a plan.
You're going to like this.

It's going to be good!

Time to unleash
our secret weapon.

MAY: He-hey!

What we have here
is essentially
a racing powerboat

with two 370
horsepower engines.

That adds up
to more than Jeremy's got.

This is our secret weapon.

He's in so much trouble.

-Hammond!
-What?

-I think I might have
Norwegian wood!
-Hey!

HAMMOND:
We only had a short hop
up a fjord ahead of us.

Victory, it seemed certain,
was ours.

How do I sum up this car?

Cruise control,
electric seats,
air conditioning,

CD auto-changer,
and it does 208 miles an hour.

And it hasn't put
a foot wrong,

hasn't missed a beat.

Any other super car,
there's always a sense,

every five seconds
it's going to break down.

What was that noise?
What was that?
What's that judder?

This, though, just pounds on.

Clarkson, it's May.
Where are you?

I'm in the pouring rain
somewhere in Sweden,
I don't know.

Where are you?

We've just taken
a small local boat

from Kristiansand to Oslo.

-What is it?
-It's got several
hundred horsepower,

I think it's what you call
a big powerboat.

I'm doomed.

Oh.

(BUSY TONE)

Is he dead?

We have now done
30 nautical miles

and there's 120 to go,

and they just told us
it might get rough. Ha-ha!

If this looks fun, it isn't.

CLARKSON: Nevertheless,
they were in
an 80-mile-an-hour boat

with no speed limits
to worry about,

while I was
in a 200-mile-an-hour car,

and could only drive
at 60-ish.

Ooh!

To win this race,

I was going to need a miracle.

And that's exactly
what I got.

HAMMOND:
Oh, God, look at it.

-I can't believe this.
-We've got engine trouble.

-I think we have to
change the boats.
-We've got to what?

We've got to go
in that boat?

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

That's the boys!

-Hello?
-Hello?

Hello, how's things?

Well, we broke one boat,
calamity, but
we're not giving up,

we're going in the chase boat.

We've all squashed into it,
it's damn near
as fast as the big one.

Whoa, whoa!
What do you mean,
you've lost a boat?

We've broken it.
The engine's blown up
and it's sinking.

Oh!

This thing is small
and very, very loud.

Oh, dear, what a shame!

We're going to carry on.
We'll see you in Oslo. Bye!

What a rotten bit of luck.

(LAUGHS)

This is actually
less comfortable
than the other boat,

amazingly. God!

Come on!

Ahhh!

Whoo! Ha-ha-ha!

Whoa! Oh! Oh!

And again!

I'll get the window
down in here, 'cause
I love to hear the noise.

Ho-ho!

Ooh!

CLARKSON: Their breakdown
and the rough sea
had allowed me to catch up.

It looked like we were
heading for a classic
Top Gear photo-finish.

But then I hit
the Norwegian border.

I've been expecting this.
Single-track road

all the way,
pretty much, to Oslo.

SAT NAV:
Now turn right.

Don't be stupid.

Still, they were
having problems, too.

Oh, dear.

Mr Hammond is unwell.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

-Hello, Clarkson, it's May.
-May, how's things?

Not good, I'm afraid.

We're in the middle
of the sea,
it's very rough,

the driver's been sick,

I think Hammond's dead.

-Oh, that's a rotten
bit of luck.
-It is.

We're freezing to death.
Oh, Hammond's
come round. Hello.

He's better.

Well, thanks for the call
and the update.

I wish you
all the best of luck.

Oh, well, we'll stick at it.
We're gonna have to
go and refuel,

because the sea
is so rough that
the engine's using more fuel

than it would normally.

-All right, take care.
-Okay. Stick at it.

It's very cold,
but we're still in it!

We're still in the race!

HAMMOND: I didn't know
where we were,

but we did know
Jeremy was only 50 miles

from the finishing
post in Oslo.

Got to beat those boys.

I have got to
beat them,
somehow.

HAMMOND:
Knowing he'd be determined,
we gave the boat everything,

thinking that lightning
couldn't strike twice.

But, of course, it did.

Bugger!

Our rib had burst.
We had to get to
dry land fast.

Core temperature's dropping,
hypothermia's setting in.

Boat's broken at the front,
engine's knackered,

we're running out of fuel,
the sea's too rough,
it's freezing cold,

the weather's coming in...

Should we just
jump overboard
and end it quickly?

Bloody tempting, mate.

Sentrum, yes.

Sentrum must mean centre.

I got it.

HAMMOND:
We arrived in a town,
didn't know which one,

knowing that
we'd have to get a bus.

-(MIMICS ENGINE RUNNING)
-Yes.

Ah!

And some money.

Let me have a go.

No, I'm going to do it.

We've been through
a lot together today,
shall we not fall out now?

Okay.

Look for the large sculpture
of a hand pointing.

Ah, there's no hand
doing anything!

They'll be here!
What hand?

Come on!

Where are they?

Where are they?

CLARKSON:
They weren't there.

They weren't even close.

(RINGING TONE)

Jeremy, how are ya?
Where are ya?

I'm well. But, well,
let's cut to the chase,

I'm here and have been
for some time.

Oh. Right.

So I'm afraid
the race is done.

But I gather that
you've got
some serious problems.

Um, yeah,
we've broken two boats,

the rib burst when we hit
a particularly big wave,

so we're now wandering around
I have no idea where,

-looking for a bus, I suppose.
-(LAUGHS)

How far away are you,
do you think, from Oslo?

To be honest,
I don't really know.

Listen, honestly, I shall be
thinking of you,
and, um, take care.

-Okay, thank you.
We will. Bye.
-See you later.

He's there, mate.

What's the Norwegian
for "Oh, cock"?

I thought I'd had a bad day,
but, oh, no!

HAMMOND: What the hell
do we do now?
MAY: Get a taxi.

-HAMMOND: Not allowed.
-Still, I don't need to
run, though, do I?

HAMMOND: No, I guess not!
I can't see much point!

(LOUD APPLAUSE)

Thank you.
Can I just say, though...

Can I just say,
when we were
50 miles from Oslo

we were neck and neck,
absolutely neck and neck.

I made it to Oslo, flew home
and was halfway through supper

before these guys arrived
at the finishing point.

-That's how badly
it went wrong for them.
-Yeah.

I have to say, it was the end.
We don't even know
what that place was called.

The town.
No idea! Just a place.

Freezing cold,
nobody spoke English to us
and we had no money.

No! Then there was
a cashpoint that was
unbelievable, it said,

"5,000 kroner."
How much is that?

Do I buy a pencil sharpener
or a car with that?

All I know is
that's more than he had,

because when he
asked for that, it said,

"insufficient funds
available",

which didn't go down well.

What we have proved,
though, I think, is that
if you let someone else

take charge of your journey,
as we did...

-At any point.
-...it goes wrong.

The thing is, though, that,
on this occasion,
I have to say,

my victory was,
frankly,
a hollow one.

The car was great.
It made it to Oslo easily.

I could've beaten them
in a Vauxhall Astra.

But, after 24 hours,
I was absolutely
wasted in there.

So, really, that's what
we have to say,

the weak point
of the modern car

-is the squidgy organic bit
behind the wheel.
-Yeah.

Me, basically. And on that
bombshell, we have to end.

See you again next week.
Goodnight.