All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S06E02.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-BTW

CLARKSON: Tonight,   old Jaguars,   should you buy one?

Old BMWs,   are they as well-made   as we think?

And old Mitsubishis,   should you drive a car   built by an aeroplane-maker?

Good evening.  And we start tonight with  the highlight of my childhood.

--It's The Ladybird Book of Motorcars--from 1963,

and as you'd imagine,  it's full of rubbish, really.

Just endless  boring grey shapes,  until you get to Page 40,

where you find that,  the Maserati 3500 GT.

Now, this for me,  when I was little,

was like Jordan  and Cameron Diaz  in a bath together.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

With a lightning jet-fighter  and lots of jelly.

I could say "Maserati"  before I could say "Mummy".

Because of this picture.  Maseratis...

They were just the business!

CLARKSON: This is one of the cars from the company's long and illustrious history,

a 150-mile an hour   sports saloon   called the Biturbo.

-- Only this is  -- no ordinary Biturbo.

It's mine.

I've just bought it,   and this is   what I think of it.

-- The Biturbo  -- got what it deserved

because it was an affront   to one of the best badges   in the business.

Fifty or so years ago,

Maserati won the Grand Prix   World Championship   with this car,

the face-bending 250F.

It was a 250F like this  that took Juan Manuel Fangio  to victory

in one of the most exciting  Formula One races of all time.

-- Halfway through the Grand Prix -- at the Nurburgring in Germany,

he emerged from the pit   a minute, a full minute,   behind the leaders.

-- Victory looked impossible,  -- but in the next 22 laps,

-- he broke the lap record  -- 10 times.

Then, with just two laps   to go, he surged past   Mike Hawthorn's Ferrari,

and won.

-- This man is what Maseratis -- are all about,

Moss and Fangio,   power-sliding heroes in   polo shirts and leather hats.

I'm sitting here leaning on a huge  metal fuel tank

with a prop shaft  spinning between my legs  at 3,000 RPM.

I've got drum brakes

and I've got tyres  that'd be more at home on  a Raleigh Chopper push bike.

So, it was 1950s technology

-- but there was nothing 1950-ish -- about the speed.

-- Its 2.5-litre  -- straight six engine

-- pumps out around  -- 270 brake horsepower,

-- a lot in a car that weighs  -- less than a Lotus Elise.

That means naught to 60 in 4.3 seconds.

The top speed  is 165 miles an hour.

Oh, yes! Oh!

Oh, boy! This is so amazing!

I've got no seat belts, there's no roll bar...

And I don't care!

Michael Schumacher is gay!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, no! I'm spinning  in a million pounds!

(ENGINE STOPS)

I've just spun a car worth a million pounds.

Oh, dear!

-- The 250F -- is an astonishing car.

-- And it should have been  -- a genetic launch pad,

-- the foundation on which  -- the company could build.

-- But instead, -- the company went bust.

-- Over the years, it was owned  -- by just about everyone.

The Italian government,   De Tomaso, Chrysler,   Fiat, even Citroen.

They all thought they could recreate the glory days.

And they all failed.

-- But then, in 1997, -- Maserati was taken over

-- by the biggest name  -- in the business, Ferrari.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Ferrari decided   that what Maserati   needed most of all

was a racing car.

-- So, they took their Enzo,  -- gave it some new clothes,

-and created something   called the MC12.  -(BRAKES SCREECHING)

-- Actually, this  -- is the convertible,

the quietened down,   road-going version of the racer.

But it still has the same   six-litre V12 engine   as the Enzo

-- and the same -- carbon fibre skeleton.

-- So, it should -- still be pretty brisk.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Oh, my God!

Oh, that's so quick!

What a bonkers car!

(CLARKSON SCREAMS)

Holy moley!

-It's rather a fun machine! -(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Quietening that big V12 down

doesn't really do anything  because it's like adding  a splash of orange juice

to a pint of gin.

It's still gonna make you  very, very drunk!

The 630-horsepower MC12   goes from naught to 60   in 3.8 seconds.

Flat out, it'll be doing 208.

-- So, it's just as fast  -- as the Enzo,

-- and that's the fastest car -- we've ever tested here.

It's easy to be seduced   by the speed,   but don't be,

-- because this car  -- has a few problems.

Because this car   was designed for racing,   it has a huge rear spoiler,

but don't worry about this blocking rear visibility

-- because there's -- no back window.

-- And then there's the sheer -- size of the thing.

But the only thing   that dwarfs this   is the price tag.

£412,000.

There's something else, too.

Racing cars which have   been converted for road use   never really work.

It's like making  a hardcore adult film

and then editing it  so that it can be shown  in British hotels.

You just end up  with a half-hour close-up

of some bloke's sweaty face.  (MIMICS GRUNTING)

-The MC12 then   is a bit blurred.  -(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Is it a racer? Is it a GT car?

-- Is it a de-tuned Enzo -- in a fat suit?

You can't really tell.

-- Yes, it is very, very, very,  -- very, very fast.

-- But it's far too big,  -- far too ugly.

-- And if you put your foot down, -- far too tricky.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

It's one of the most   difficult, recalcitrant   and twitchy cars

I've ever driven.

-- Sure, it's already -- winning races,

-- but I'm afraid -- that like the Biturbo,

-- it absolutely  -- doesn't win my heart.

Now, since we've made that film,

Maserati is no longer  under the control of Ferrari.

They've been moved to be under the control of Alfa Romeo,

and soon, I've heard,  they're gonna  be for sale again.

Yeah, but enough  about all of that stuff.

I still can't believe  that you don't  like this thing.

Oh, I'm sorry!  412,000 quid for a car  that doesn't know what it is?

And you know,  I said in the film,  it's got no back window?

-Yeah. -Look, I mean, it really has got no back window.

No, you're right.  There actually isn't one,  is there?

But, and you can't deny this,  it is seriously fast.

(EXCLAIMS MOCKINGLY)  It's quick, it's just...

Honestly, I really do believe  that it will go round our  track faster than the Enzo.

-No!  -I do. Who'd like to see that?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!  -Well, you can't.

-(AUDIENCE SIGHING) -Because... No, sorry,

The Stig is psyching  himself up

and he's gonna be ready to do that at the end of the show.

So for now, we'll do the news.

And we begin  with the Honda FR-V,

which is now available with  a 2.2-litre diesel engine,  offering 45 miles per gallon,

and at price of £17,500.

-That's not very interesting.  -No, that's not  very interesting.

But what is interesting is the photograph they've sent us

to illustrate the three abreast seating arrangement in the front.

Here it is.  And as you can see,

this lovely couple  have severed  their daughter's head

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -and mounted it  on the dashboard.

-Well, they have!  -I think it's actually  an air freshener.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think they're making those radar speed detectors illegal, aren't they?

-(CLARKSON LAUGHS)  -I think her eyes glow red.

If you come up,  "Ooh, slow down!"

Have you seen their faces?

-"Yes, we've chopped  our daughter's head off."  -Yes, we have!

MAY: I'll give you,  "Are we there yet?",  you spoilt brat.

Now, product of the week. We had to do some car cleaning this week.

So, we came up with this.  It's a super value  five-pack sponge.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Price does not include a sponge obviously on that. -MAY: Yes.

Now, there's a lot of new cars  this week to get through.  So very quickly...

Saab of course,  cars for nice people,  as we're all agreed.

There's a new one,  an estate version.

There it is. It's not actually  got a very big boot,

but there's room in there  for your nice dog.

And it is quite  a nice-looking car.

-It's a nice-looking car.  -MAY: Yes.

And then Humvee,  they've announced they're  gonna make a new version

which they're gonna send over here.

There it is.  It's a lot smaller  than a normal Humvee.

Hopefully Greenpeace  will be using that  as a company car.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Probably not.  -CLARKSON: No, they won't,  will they?

No, I can't see that, no.

Now the MX-5, the car that  sort of kick-started  the roadster revival.

-Yeah. -It's over 15 years old but there is a new one.

It's a bit bigger,  it's a little bit heavier,

but it's a lot more powerful  and look at it.

-It's gorgeous.  -It is gorgeous.

CLARKSON: I love these  flared wheel arches.

Yeah. Better interior as well.  That's gonna be about £18,500.

-And I think that's corking.  -CLARKSON: It is brilliant.

That's out in November, just in time for the end of summer.

-Right. -Brilliant. Nice timing from Mazda!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Um, I've got a car here.  This from Ferrari.

It's called  the Ferrari Superamerica.

It's a 575  with a roof cut off.

They say this is the fastest convertible in the world.

199 miles an hour,  naught to 60  in about 4.1 seconds,

costs £191,000.

-No, it isn't. -What?

It isn't the fastest  convertible in the world.

-Porsche Carrera GT,  that's quicker.  -True.

Uh... What the, um, thing I drove earlier,

Maserati, MC Hammer, that's quicker.

Third fastest convertible  in the world.

-There's a Zonda convertible.  -Fourth fastest...

-And the Koenigsegg.  -It's the fifth...  It's just a fast convertible.

-And the Murcielago.  -Sixth or...  It's a very fast Ferrari.

The worst thing  about this though is,

we've got a picture of it  from the back.

It's just...  Look, it's horrid.

In a 575, you can't see this,  which is how you're  not being sick.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -It's really not  a good-looking car, that.

It's gonna have  another problem, I reckon,

because they way it works  is this roof here hinges over  and folds down,

sort of flips over  onto the back deck there,

where it lies  in that sort of shape  when it's raining

just before you put it up,  like a sort of,

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -let's say, a big, shallow bucket.

Anyway, last week,  we were complaining

that Honda didn't make  enough exciting cars  for us in the UK.

-CLARKSON: Yeah. -And they've responded very quickly with this,

-which apparently is going  to be the new Civic, £12,000.  -HAMMOND: Wow!

CLARKSON: It's great.  I'd have one.

-You wouldn't really, though, would you? -No, but my mum would.

Yes, there you go.

And you'd go, "Cool, Mum,  that's a great car".

You'd like this.  It's your age.  You wanna come have a look?

It's aimed at your age group.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You like that?

It looks good next to him.

Yeah. You'd go  really well together.

Hey, now last week,

we invited you all to send in  your suggestions for the best  ever driving song,

the one that makes you put your foot down a little bit  when you hear it, okay.

Now, we have a problem.

Because this is  an ongoing thing  through the series,

but we're keeping tabs  on how we're doing.

-And I've got here the chart  so far and at number five...  -Yes?

It's Cliff Richard.

-No! -What?

-You've got to be joking.  -I bet it was him.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

The other disappointment  thing, in the top 20,

there's no Doobie Brothers. Now...

No, that's not  a disappointment.

That's a good thing  we're trying to keep.

Don't vote for...  Anything Jeremy mentions,  don't vote for it.

-You went on Radio 1  this week, okay?  -Yes.

He was on radio,  which is a small radio station  for 4-year-olds, okay.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -And he said...

He said that the best ever driving song was by a band called...

What are they called?  The Baby Snatchers?

The BodyRockers,  you poor, bewildered old fool.

So, I went to a record shop,  okay, and I said, "Please  can I have that record..."

Did they laugh?

Yes. And I brought it  along, okay.

This is the song  that he says is the best...

"Yes, I'm gonna  put my foot down..."  Okay, ready?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

-Well, it's the intro,  you berk!  -It's a blacksmith's shop.

Here comes my 6-year-old  with her Fisher-Price hammer.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-It's rubbish!  -(IMITATES CLARKSON)  I can't understand the words.

-It's rubbish!  -That is working for me!

It's better than the garbage  you've been promoting.

If you want a drum intro,   Watcher of the Skies  by Genesis.

-MAY: No, he's right.  -Is that some  prog-rock rubbish?

-He is right.   -Watcher of the Skies  by Genesis.

-I'm leaving. -Fine, goodbye.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Um, no really,  I do wanna see more votes

for the Doobie Brothers  rocking in this week.

Don't vote for... Vote for something more recent than that.

Um, to vote,  please just go to the website,

-which is bbc...  -Doobie Brothers.

-Do not vote for  any of his stuff.  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-Steely Dan.  -Save me from these people!

bbc.co.uk/topgear.

Right, enough  of this pop nonsense.  Have a look at this.

What we have here  is the new Jaguar XK.

How about that?

Now, Jaguar say that this is only a concept car,

but don't be fooled by that,  because we've seen  the real thing,

and we happen to know  that this is exactly the same.

Now, this has been designed  by the same man  who did the Aston Martin DB9,

using a piece  of tracing paper.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

What we do know about it  is that it's going to be  on sale early next year,

with prices  from about £50,000.

There'll be the 4.2 V8 engine  that we're already  familiar with,

in super-charged form as well,

and we have heard from one of our spies,

that there's going to be  a very special edition  with up to 500 horsepower.

So, ordered a Porsche 911?

Kept the receipt, did you?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know what that is,  don't you, that Jag?

It's a DB9 for 50 grand off.  That's what it is.

Anyway, you may remember  in the last series,

we each bought a Porsche  for less than £1,500.  Do you remember that?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.  -And in doing so,

we proved that  you can't buy a Porsche  for less than 1,500 quid.

-HAMMOND: Yes. -Not if you want to go anywhere in it, anyway.

No. They were rubbish.  They really were rubbish.

So then, the producers came up  with a bit of a wizard wheeze.

They gave us  a budget again of 1,500 quid,  but this time they said,

"Go and buy any two-door sports coupe you like that isn't a Porsche".

Yeah, and then they said,  "Okay, when you've  got your cars,

"you meet up,  and there'll be  a series of tests".

--CLARKSON: Our meeting point -- was Millbrook in Bedfordshire,

-- the biggest and most daunting  -- test track in Britain.

Its two-mile banked circuit,

its rough roads   and its formidable   Alpine handling track

-- are designed to test -- brand new cars to destruction.

So, what kind of havoc   will they wreak   on our 1,500 quid bangers?

I was the first to arrive   with my two-door coupe   that isn't a Porsche.

-What it is,  is a Mitsubishi Starion.  -(CAR DOOR CREAKS)

I've, um... I've always  loved these things,

and this is the last one  ever imported into Britain.

It's a wide-bodied  2.6-litre turbo, 14 years old.

It's done 81,000 miles.

A few bumps and scrapes,  of course, but mechanically,  quite good order.

-- James had bought himself  -- a 1,000-year-old antique.

Well, James!

It's a Jag.  It's got 12 cylinders,  and it's gold, sir.

Look at that!

CLARKSON: I'm really quite cross, because it doesn't appear to...

I mean, I assumed...  I never bothered  looking for an XJS,

because I thought it would  just be rubbish  for this money.

I never bothered looking for a Starion,

because I just knew  it was rubbish, full stop.

CLARKSON: Don't you like  the DeLorean rear thing?

Yes. Did DeLorean  use gaffer tape as well?

--CLARKSON: And finally,  -- Hammond arrived.

I knew he'd buy a BMW. A-reg?

I say, it looks very good.

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

Your handbrake working well there then, is it?

-Yeah, I'll... (MUMBLES)  -Is it? Oh, dear!

It's, you know,  reasonably well...

(CHUCKLES) Anyway, he's bought  a grandfather clock!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

He has. Let's just have a look at this.

-What?  -Is it an M... What is it?

-He's forgotten  to put his red braces on.  -CLARKSON: 633?

HAMMOND: This is a 635, 1983.  CLARKSON: 5?

HAMMOND: Oh, yeah. CLARKSON: That's a 635?

635, within budget.  What have you got?

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God!

CLARKSON: What?  HAMMOND: It's a wheelie-bin.  Look at it.

We have to get on  with this challenge.  Have you seen under his car?

HAMMOND: A pool of oil  and it's growing.

MAY: Oh, there's plenty in there though.

So, first challenge,  and it is here.  Thank you very much.

"High-speed bowl challenge.

"You will drive around  the banked high-speed circuit  as quickly as possible.

"140 miles an hour  is your target speed.

"Points are lost  for failing to achieve it  and gained for beating it."

Okay, here we go.

The top speed of that car,

when it was shiny and new in 1984, was 142 miles an hour.

Many, many years and moons have passed since then.

--CLARKSON: The Hamster  -- was in the wheel,

-- but his car wasn't going  -- to be rushed.

105.

110.

I don't think it's got  much more to give.

CLARKSON:  115 miles an hour, Hamster?

HAMMOND: (OVER RADIO)   I've only got 110   showing on the clock.

You see? It's a BMW. It's being discreet and underestimating its speed!

HAMMOND: How do I get off?

Right, here we are  entering the bowl.

Here he comes! Here he comes!

CLARKSON:  That's the slowest car  ever at Millbrook.

I'm moving into the top lane.

Buffeting!

-CLARKSON: Oh! -Flipping heck!

That felt, ugh...

-That's oil.  -Good God, this is awful.

And what was the speed?

-Error.  -What do you mean, "error"?

He'll never do that again!

Why doesn't that ever happen  with the police?

It smells, the oil pressure has disappeared.

It's going to explode!

Look at the smoke.

--CLARKSON:  -- James's grandfather clock

had reached the 140-mile-hour   target speed,   but it had paid the price.

-Ow!  -(RADIATOR SIZZLING)

Yep, that's broken.

-It looks awful.  -Limping out.  It sounds terrible.

CLARKSON: And to start with,   it was disappointingly slow,   but I wasn't worried.

I do have one secret weapon,  which is,  the bloke I bought it from

has fitted some device  to the turbocharger,  and I'm not joking,

that gives me  sort of extra boost.

I'm gonna try that...  Now.

-(ENGINE ROARING)  -Oh, my God!

--CLARKSON: The afterburner  -- certainly upped the speed,

-- but unfortunately,  -- it also undressed the car.

Where's his thing  gone off the back?

(LAUGHS) Yes, right.  Is that your attempt  at going faster,

shedding weight  on the way around?

-How fast was it?  -Uh, 100... (MUMBLES)

-What?  -119.

-119? Yes!  -119, which is faster  than me, yes.

CLARKSON: That said, James's clock was the winner,

-- even though it did need  -- an oil and water transplant

-- before it could face  -- the next challenge.

"This challenge is designed  to test the quality  of the ride in your cars.

"Each of you must drive  along the dreaded  cobbled pave course

"at 30 miles an hour  with a bowl of water  on your lap."

-Is this It's a Knockout?  -(ALL LAUGHING)

Is Stuart Hall  coming in a pair of big shoes?

"A point is lost  for every fluid ounce spilt."

-CLARKSON: This is Belgian  pave. Very, very bumpy.  -Yes.

And James is going  to have a very wet crotch.  Or will he?

I hate to say this,

do you not think  he stands a pretty good  chance in that Jag?

-And here we go.  And that's a disaster already.  -(WATER SPLASHING)

-(SLOSHING)  -Oh, my God!

He has achieved 30.

I haven't felt like this  since I was a very small boy.

Oh, that's a bit  of a wobble there.  That was a splash.

Well, it's flying everywhere.

-CLARKSON: Oh, yes,  it's very bumpy!  -(BOTH LAUGHING)

HAMMOND:  Oh. That's not the first time  that's happened, is it?

-Richard? -Yeah.

That happened in a Jaguar.

Yes, exactly. This is the car  with one of the world's  best ride qualities,

so you, sir,  in your sporty BMW,  are probably gonna drown!

This may not look like a lot of water. Can I just point out...

Very firm suspension  in the 635.

Not the car I would choose if I was going to drive

over some Belgian pastries  with a bucket of water  on my lap.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(GROANS) Doing my lap. Ah!

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

It's ever so cold!  Oh, is this like being old?

(SHOUTS)

-Yes, he's quite wet.  -Gotten quite wet.

And, uh, beige trousers,  big...

-(BOTH LAUGHING)  -Big problem there.  It's, uh...

How did you get it up here?

-I'm only small! This is waistband! -(ALL LAUGHING)

--MAY: Finally,  -- it was Jeremy's turn,

-- and he had  -- a bit of a handicap.

The problem I have, of course,  is that I have a manual,  unlike the other two,

so I actually have  to physically move my legs  in order to change gear.

CLARKSON:   The gearbox, however,   was the least of my worries.

(LAUGHING)

The bonnet just bounced up. That'll have chucked it all in his crotch.

I so hope so.

No! Oh!

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

MAY: Just from  his expression...

-Oh, well done!  -(HAMMOND LAUGHING)

HAMMOND: Jeremy! MAY: Let me take that.

I think we can already tell...

(ALL LAUGHING)

-(CLARKSON LAUGHS)  -HAMMOND: Oh, yeah!

It's not pleasant, is it?

If you do that, then your trouser legs don't touch your legs.

HAMMOND:   So, it was another victory   for the grandfather clock,

-- but the smile was about  -- to be wiped off James's face.

Right.

"Your coupes were renowned  for their sporty character  in the 1980s."

'90s with mine, '90s.

'90s in your case.

"But how will they  measure up today on  the fearsome Alpine circuit?"

-That's this?  -This thing, I think.

"The Stig will drive a lap  in each car.

"One minute and five seconds  is the target time.

"You lose a point  for every second  slower than that,

"and gain a point  for every second faster."

HAMMOND: I decided that my BMW should tackle the web of hills and off camber corners first,

before the British Leyland Jag had a chance to coat them all with the fill of oil.

-Here he comes.  -Oh, look at that!

HAMMOND:  It looks brilliant on there!  CLARKSON: 30 miles an hour.

HAMMOND: Get off!  That's moving...  Look at it corner, level-ish.

-Whoa!  -(ENGINE ROARING)

Run for your lives!

Quite a good noise as well, actually.

That's because five cylinders  are working.

They're working well.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

MAN: (OVER RADIO) The lap time for the BMW is one minute and one second.

Yes! I thank you!  I've won something possibly!

-CLARKSON: Next up   was the mighty Starion.  -(ENGINE REVVING)

-- Manual gearbox,  -- the lightest of the three...

I was confident   the pedigree racer   would romp to victory here.

Look at that!  Already that's quicker  than yours!

-It's not.  -It's quicker through here.

(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

See that back  just kicking there?  See the back?

-Flopping. -Not flopping!

MAN: (OVER RADIO) The lap time for the Mitsubishi Starion is one minute dead.

No!

It's got good brakes,  good steering, good handling.

Everything about it is...  (CLICKS TONGUE)

You bought the wrong car,  Richard.

--CLARKSON: But when it comes  -- to wrong cars,

-- the Torrey Canyon  -- takes some beating.

Will it make the hill?

-I'd love it to stop  and roll back down.  -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

MAY: It doesn't look  that fast, actually.

HAMMOND: It's not.

-My word! -See The Stig?

--MAN: (OVER RADIO) And the time -- for the Jaguar XJS is...

-- ...one minute  -- and nine seconds.

-Rubbish! (LAUGHS LOUDLY)  -MAY: Mmm.

-That's poor. -I won't laugh at him.

--CLARKSON: Not only  -- had James's car lost,

-- but yet more vital fluids  -- had been spilled.

There's evidence of its blood.  You see, it's bleeding?

-- And this didn't bode well  -- for our next task.

The title,  "Reliability Challenge".  (LAUGHS)

--CLARKSON:  -- Having brimmed the cars,

-- we were told to drive -- to the QI Club,

-- 64 miles away  -- in the centre of Oxford.

"Points are awarded  or deducted depending on

"how many faults  occur along the way."

--CLARKSON: This was a problem  -- for all of us,

-- because Oxford isn't a city,  -- it's a bus lane.

Oxford hates the car. It's gonna hate these!

(ALL LAUGHING)

--HAMMOND: While James  -- topped up his engine, again,

and Jeremy topped up himself,

I unleashed a welter of gizmos

that would guide me   through the minefield   of Oxford's one-way systems.

That's one sat-nav.

(SAT-NAV BUZZING)

CLARKSON: Despite Hammond's   sat-nav systems,   I led the way in my Starion,

quietly confident that I would suffer no mechanical glitches at all.

Do you know  what this car feels like?  It feels exactly like a car.

Exactly like the sort of car  that you'd go into a showroom and buy tomorrow.

--HAMMOND: My BMW,  -- on the other hand,

-- had suffered badly  -- at Millbrook proving ground.

Maybe three cylinders of the six are working.

HAMMOND: The Exxon Valdez, that had turned into a sort of mobile confession booth.

Well, viewers,  now we're alone.

I can be a bit  more honest with you.

And I'd like to admit that I've bought a pup.

CLARKSON: A pup, which just a few miles from Millbrook,

-- turned into  -- a complete mongrel.

My God!  That is fairly catastrophic.

It's not a breakdown,  it's just a mild  bit of malfunction.

Well, it's stopped  and there's smoke  pouring out of it!

-There you go. It's fine.  -(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

HAMMOND: James tends to...

-(ENGINE STARTS)  -Whoa! Quick! Run!  It's working!

--AUTOMATED VOICE:  -- After 300 yards,

-- cross the roundabout  -- second exit.

Gotcha.

Take the second exit.

Got you, too.

James refuses to classify  that as a breakdown.  I'm sorry, but it just was.

CLARKSON: Even so,   Richard and I, out of a sense   of playground loyalty

and male camaraderie, were there for him when it happened again.

It just ruins your whole day,  that sort of thing.

HAMMOND: Oh, yeah.

Curly Wurly?

I'll have a Snickers actually.

Okay, mate. On me.

CLARKSON: Want to get  James something?

-No, it'll get all wet. -(CHUCKLING)

--CLARKSON: Back on the road,  -- it turned out Hammond's BMW

-- wasn't all that -- healthy either.

-- But it did give him  -- a new game to play.

Oh! Hold on a minute!  I've got it!

There's a problem  with my brake lights.  I have Connect 3!

(ENGINE RATTLING)

That doesn't sound good.

MAY: Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the breakdown honours from me!

MAY: Help!

MAY: With the others   far in front,   and out of sight,

my wipers packed up.

It's almost had it,  this thing.

Well, I hate to say it,  but I can only assume  he's broken down.

Shall we go back  and look for him?

Or we could go to the QI Club  and have a drink.

Let me put it to you this way.

(LAUGHING)

--CLARKSON: Pretty soon,  -- Hammond and I were in Oxford

with me using   a sense of direction   to find the centre

-- and him using  -- his sat-nav systems.

So we've got speed camera,  bus lane,

cycle lane,

health food shop.

Welcome to Oxford.

Ah!

They're working! This car mends itself.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Go left on the roundabout. The first exit.

First exit.

I can do that.

--CLARKSON: Hammond  -- was about to find out

-- just how car-unfriendly  -- Oxford is.

Well...

That's clearly not it,  is it?

--AUTOMATED VOICE:  -- After 200 yards,

-- you have reached  -- your destination.

HAMMOND: Reached my destination.

Hang on a second.

Clearly...

I mean...

--CLARKSON: Meanwhile,  -- somewhere not in Oxford...

Tonight's new problem,  I think,  is the brake master cylinder.

--CLARKSON: Very funny, -- but I was having trouble, too.

I've lived  15 miles from Oxford

for nearly 10 years now  and I've never been here.

I've seen it on Inspector...  Oh!

I've... Yes.

Morse never had this problem.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn right.

I can't do that!

--CLARKSON: Eventually,  -- blind luck beat the sat-nav,

and the totally   reliable Starion   arrived at the destination.

Did you see...  Did you see that?

I was damn nearly knocked down  by a cyclist.

(SIGHS)

I was 47 minutes in front of   Hammond's increasingly   sick-sounding BMW.

Inside we made   pleasant small-talk   about driving through Oxford.

-- But it was hard to ignore  -- the empty chair at our table.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Come on!

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Come on!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I'd have to say...

(LAUGHS)

I have to say,

it's a good job.

It is a good job  that he never actually  made it to Oxford,

because with  his sense of direction  in that place...

-That would've been the end.  -Seriously.  No, we're not joking.

He doesn't have  a sense of direction.

Honestly, this is not a joke.

-He still doesn't know where this studio is. -HAMMOND: Yep.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Every week he has to ring one of us  to go get him.

"Could I follow you down?  I don't really know  where I'm going."

It's true. It's that bad.  Anyway important business now.

The scoring.  This is where we are, okay?

The first of our test was the high-speed run.

Amazingly, James's Jag fair and square won that one.

It won the second which was the ride with the wet laps.  If you remember that.

Then the Alpine course.

At that point, things took  a bit of a turn for the worse  for the Jag.

It very much lost that.

Then we come to fuel economy.

This was on the run  from Millbrook, where we were,  to Oxford.

-Yeah.  -The target was 20mpg, okay.

Points for over. Points deducted for under that.

My BMW did it in...  I did 21mpg.

So, I believe I gain a point.  So that's plus one for me.

-Jeremy, you did 17.  -The light, efficient...

You see... Who believes that?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!  -That's what it did.

Seventeen, so you lose three,  so that's minus three for JC.

Yeah, but then we get to James's Jag.

-James, what did your Jag do?  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Eight.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Ahem. Eight.  -Pardon?

-What? -Eight.

-Eight. -Eight.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

CLARKSON:  Eight miles to the gallon.

Eight.

Oh, was that, um...  Was that oil?

Oh,  I thought you meant the oil!

Is that the same on yours  as well?

So that's minus 12 for you.

Then we come to reliability.

This was again  points knocked off  every time you break down.

Now, Jeremy,  amazingly nothing went wrong.

-So that's a... That's nothing. -Oh, thank you.

(AUDIENCE BOOS)

Not a...  What do you mean, "boo"?

I like the booing.  I like that.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)  -That's good.

Now, I did have one,  I have to confess,  brake-light failure, so...

-AUDIENCE: Aw!  -I like that! Yeah!

So that's a minus, minus one,

and then obviously, James had five.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Minus five.  -Minus five?

-Five faults.  -He never even made it  to Oxford!

I mean, I get like naught  for reliability.

I buy a car with  no mechanical faults at all

-and score naught!  -You don't lose any.

I lost one, James...  That's the rules.

-It's the same for... -It's minus 35

for buying a car with  a manual gearbox.  How fair is that?

I lose 35 points  for my wet crotch.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -How can that be fair?

-How can that be fair?  -Because that's the rules!

-That's how it works.  -I'm sorry, is that fair?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Well, I lose...  I end up with a wet crotch

-and 35 points off!  -It's...

It's the same rules.  This is pathetic.

It's like Manchester United,  FA Cup,  playing Arsenal last week.

They were better than Arsenal  for 90 minutes.

Then there was one penalty. That's the rule!

-He's right. Can I just say...  -What?

What is actually  more embarrassing?

Breaking down or arriving  at a club in Oxford  as if you've wet your tracks?

-HAMMOND: Exactly  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So minus 35.

-Fine.  -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

-It's the rules.  -I'm sorry.

CLARKSON: That's rubbish!

That's old rubbish!

My car's the best there.  You know it and  that's the end of it.

It's the same rules  for everyone.

You've got a chance  to redeem yourself.

Because there is  another challenge coming up,  and if you are eight,

then you have our permission  to stay up and watch that.

I don't want to talk  to you two any more.

-You haven't got  much choice, really.  -No, I have got a choice.

Because it's time to put a star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

He claims he's been  in a bad mood  since he was 14 years old.

And today, we put him  in a Suzuki Liana,  which probably didn't help.

(INHALES SHARPLY)  Ladies and gentlemen,  Jack Dee!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

How are you?

-Have yourself a seat.  -Thank you very much.

Ah!

Slovenly as ever!

I try to make  an effort for you,  even if the audience don't.

Well, Dee,  we have Motorhead casual here.

Yeah, I noticed.

It's really the essence of it,  it's quite poor.  I mean, sheesh!

Um, now,  you're on tour very soon.

I'm in London.  I'm coming to the  Hammersmith Carling Apollo,

8th to11th of June.  And big venue. Very nice.

-All new material.  -Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Now, let's just get on  with this car-based stuff.

Starting with buses,

'cause reading through  your notes, it seems  you're not really a big fan.

I don't like buses. I...

Well, you know, I think  that the bottom-line of it  is the bus shelter, for me.

Because you're  waiting for a bus,  first of all,

in something that's been  named after a charity  for homeless people.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And also, the other true fact about buses is,

when you see a nutter in the street,

you ask yourself, "How did he get there?"

The chances are  he came on a bus.

-Because...  -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Because when you go on a bus,  they're always  full of nutters.

And I think it's the sane reaction to think,

"Actually, no,  I don't want to be sat  next to people like this.

"I don't like  getting off the bus  with vomit down my sleeve

-"because someone  has been sick on me.  -(LAUGHS)

"I actually think  it's time to get a car."

What about bus lanes?

You see, bus lanes,  again they make me very cross.

And I've... I mean, I've been stopped in a bus lane.

I was going in a bus lane  in a Fiat 127.

-And...  -Surprised they saw you.

Yeah, and a policeman just came... Stopped me. In fact, what he did...

(CHUCKLES) He came to the window.

He said...  Do you know what he said?

He actually said, "Are you a bus?" to me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Then I thought,  "Well, I might be able to  talk my way out of this one",

because... So I said, "You're new to traffic, aren't you?"

-(ALL LAUGHING) -And...

But don't joke  with a policeman

because once you've joked  with them, they say,

"Oh, I see, you're funny,  are you?  Get out of the car and..."

And then he's booking me  and it all got very grown up.  And he was doing a ticket.

And then as I was doing that,  another Fiat 127  pulled up behind mine.

So I said, "Look at that,  you wait all day and  two of them turn up at once!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

And, uh...

CLARKSON: Oh, very good!

Where are you  on the 4X4 debate?

Well, I'm one of these, you know, people who have a 4X4.

I drive one.

I drive a Land Cruiser  which is about  the biggest one.

Ooh! Big one. Yeah.

Regularly now,  I'm on school runs

with seven or eight kids  in the car.

They've all got seatbelts.  they're all front-facing.

I don't know any other car  I could do that in.

Otherwise I'd go in two cars,  you know.

It's true. Two cars.

-Or even three cars  if you've got eight children.  -Yeah.

-You need three cars.  -Three cars.

That means one of the children  will have to drive  the third one.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's just crazy, Jeremy.

That's just never gonna wash.

And the people  you get hassled from

are from these builders  in their transit vans going,

"You shouldn't be  in a car like that,  you should be in a Mini".

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And you say "Look, what you got in there?"

They got a packet of biscuits  and a hammer  in the back of their transit.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Going around  looking for the nearest cafe,  you know.

Also, I just can't understand  how we've got  to a point in society

where obviously  everything is so good that  people are worried about

-how many wheels on your car  are being driven.  -Aw!

You know what?  If you actually have  got to a point where

you have so little  going on in your life

that you can start a campaign  to stop people driving  certain kinds of car,

you've got to have a  closer look at your own life,  not other people's cars.

-Do an evening course...  -Couldn't agree more.

But, of course, you do have  some social responsibility  because you drive a Vespa.

-Am I right?  -Yeah, I have got a Vespa.

But at the moment,  it's garaged.

Um, and I got a penalty  for keeping it in the garage.

I didn't know  you had to keep it licensed  even if you weren't using it.

Or you have to tell them. I...

So if you make it  a garden ornament,  it's still...

Even if you do that.  Yeah, I've got these (BLEEPS)

that run the whole thing... Wherever. Norwich or somewhere like that.

-Where are they based?  -Swansea.

-Swansea. -(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, there you are, you see.

You have to work in Swansea  so you take it out  on the rest of the nation

by sending out  penalties to people

for keeping their car in the garage.

You shouldn't really  be driving a car because...

Well, you took  your driving test four times.

Yeah, but I passed in the end.

No, I always maintain  if you can't pass  after three goes,

you're not cut out for it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, if I went to  Manchester United  and said,

"I'd like to try out  if that's okay",

and then was as useless  as I am at football,

there would be no point  going back and back and back.  "I'm dumb. Here again."

"No, look, you're rubbish,  don't come back."

No, no, it took me a while  to get my eye in.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Probably,  I shouldn't be driving,  but occasionally I have to,

so I try and warn  as many people as I can  when I'm going to be driving.

They say,  "Thanks a lot,  we'll be staying in".

And whereabouts,  and the geography...

Well, it sets you up  perfectly, of course.

I've found a great way  of avoiding traffic though.

You know when they have  traffic warnings on the radio  when people ring up.

But I've discovered actually,  before you set out  on a journey,

ring the radio station and say  there's a terrible congestion  on the M25.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And everyone avoids it.  It's great, you just  go straight through.

My other thing is,  when there is a traffic jam,

and usually it's been  due to an accident,

I don't like the way the  police kind of beckon you to  go past quickly by the time,

'cause, you know,  the rubbernecking.

I think we're entitled to rubberneck.

We've been sitting there  for three-quarters of an hour.

I wanna see what's happened.  I wanna see the idiot  who's held me up, you know.

I shout, you know,  "Hope you're happy.

"At least you've got  a neck brace to show for it.  I'm actually late!"

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Anyway, listen, your lap.  -Oh, yes.

Things didn't go  really very smoothly

when The Stig was showing you round.

No. I... (STAMMERS)

I got frightened. (LAUGHS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

I had, sort of, flashbacks  from an accident I had  when I was about 18.

I was in the back of a car,

it was another Fiat 127,  actually,  I have to avoid this car.

Um, and it rolled over  on a corner.

And I've never got that out of my mind.

But once I was  actually able to drive,  I felt a bit better

'cause I felt, "Well,  at least if we both die,  it's, you know...

-"I'll get the credit for it."  -Yeah.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-I killed The Stig. -Yeah.

Well, shall we have a look  at this, um...

Well, allegedly sedate lap.

-Do you want to see that?  -AUDIENCE: Yes!

Okay, let's put it on here.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

--CLARKSON: Oh, that's not  -- a very sedate start.

It's the first time  I've driven a manual  for 12 years, so...

Racing driver excuses  before you've even got  to the first corner.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

-Oh, my God, that's not very fast, Jack. -No.

I might not have...

You're not even meant to brake here, just got to turn... Oh.

CLARKSON: You don't need   to brake when you go in   that speed, that's for sure.

I'm in control. I'm in control.

Here goes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(TYRES SQUEALING)

CLARKSON: That's the slowest  first half of a lap  I've ever seen.

Here we go, second half.

Yes, it's moving... Oh, God, that was a bit better.

I can't do it again,  I can't do it again.

There you go.  Now you've got to brake a bit.

CLARKSON:   You've got to slow down   quite a lot for that corner.

-- Oh, you're turning -- a bit too soon.

--DEE: Jeremy, it felt  -- plenty fast enough.

(LAUGHTER)

CLARKSON: And there we go...  DEE: What's the hurry?

-...across the line. -There you go.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

The first half, I have to say,  of that lap, was quite slow.

-It was.  -But you did pick up a bit,  I thought, towards the end.

So, on that basis,  where do you think  you might have, um...

Well,  I think I'm probably around...

I can imagine I'm a driver similar to Stephen Fry.

-I should imagine that.  -He's quite good, Stephen Fry.

Oh, was he?  So I'm way down really, am I?

Yeah, I've got you more...

-I'm with Blind Man and Vegas.  -And Wogan.

You went round  in unbelievable...

Obviously picked  the speed up a lot,

'cause you did it in one minute 53 and a half seconds.

Oh, well, there you go.

-(AUDIENCE CHEERING)  -So, you are  all the way up there.

There you go. Bill Bailey.

Next time you see Bill Bailey,  you'll be able to say...

Ladies and gentlemen,  Jack Dee!

-Thank you.  -(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Okay. Right.

Now, back to the coupes.

Because after the first series  of tests,

incredibly, considering  what a pile of garbage it is,

James's Jaguar  was in the lead.

So, it was  a carefully selected car.

Pile of garbage.

The point being,  they now set us  another challenge.

They now said,

"You can spend whatever  change you've got left  from your 1,500-quid budget

"after you bought your car  on modifying your car  for a motor race".

But what they didn't tell us  was what sort of motor race  it would be.

And obviously that's important  because you can't set up  your car for say Silverstone

and then find  that you're on a rally stage.

Yes, it's kind of critical  to have that information,  but we didn't,

so we sort of guessed, did the best we could,

and then we were told  to meet up at a farm.

This is what happened.

Now, I spent £1,000 on my Starion,

meant I had £500 left over to turn it into a motor racing version.

Get on with it.  Let's see this thing!

-Look at this! -Whoa, hang on!

Oh, now I'm struggling  'cause I wanna laugh,

but that actually looks  pretty good! (LAUGHS)

See, here's my thing, okay.

I thought a nice paint job  would be one thing.

HAMMOND: Is that going  to make it go any faster?

--CLARKSON: No,  -- but I had that one covered.

That is a turbocharger from Pentti Airikkala's  Group A rally car.

-Is it?  -CLARKSON:  230 brake horsepower.

Was a 150.

So, you'll almost certainly manage one lap

of wherever we're going, and then it'll explode.

--CLARKSON: Next,  -- it was James's turn.

(LAUGHS)

That's British racing green,  is it?

-That's what  he's going to tell us!  -(BOTH LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: He ran out of paint!

Well, I did.  I had 400 quid left.

Um, I spent £370  mending the engine,

£10 on a tin of Hammerite  that wasn't quite big enough.

--CLARKSON: So, what had  -- Hammond done to his BMW?

I spent 1,250 quid on my car,

which left me at £250  to race prepare it  ready for today's event.

-And here it is. Here it is.  -(CLARKSON CLEARING THROAT)

-I want you to feast  your eyes on this!  -(BOTH LAUGHING)

There's a fridge freezer  on the front of it  for no reason!

-(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)  -I've gone for...

CLARKSON: What's that?

HAMMOND: That's a side exhaust.

They're not connected  to the engine, are they?

Technically, no.

But they're connected to the same car that the engine is in.

MAY: So, as usual, you spent  all your money on stuff

that makes no difference  to the way the car goes,

apart from possibly  making it a bit heavier?

All of this aside,

where is the race track?  (CHUCKLES)

All I can see are some crates.

Okay, we don't know  at this point

what kind of motor racing  we're going to be doing.

HAMMOND:  I'm just praying it's a nice,  proper race track.

CLARKSON: It wasn't.

In fact, our 1,500-quid cars

had been entered for a four-hour endurance race on a grass track,

the toughest task   we'd ever set in any of our   cheap car challenges.

HAMMOND: That's not quite  what I had in mind.

I'm so looking forward  to your spoiler here.

CLARKSON: And to make matters worse, our competitors' cars

were all much younger,   much fitter,   and much more robust.

-- Hammond responded -- by decking out his 635

-- in some last-minute  -- BMW racing war paint.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!  Slow. Nice and slow.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

(ENGINES REVVING)

CLARKSON: And so,   on the dot of just after   23 minutes past 2:00,

-- while James was looking -- the other way, the race began.

-- But Hammond -- stormed into the lead.

I'm going to do  a few glorious laps  and retire.

I'm blind! I'm blind!  I can't see a thing!

Now I'm so far behind Hammond,  I won't be able to see  his spoiler come off.

-- I had to get past James, -- whatever it cost...him.

We've only been going  a couple of minutes and...

Oh!

(BLEEPS)

CLARKSON: I put the hammer down to catch Hammond, but there was no need

because he'd forgotten to fill up before the race and he needed fuel.

-- Meanwhile,  -- James was all over the place.

Argh!

I'm sorry, track.

--CLARKSON: And so,  -- the lead was mine.

Briefly.

Whoa!

He just took me out.

The guy in the Camry. Right.

CLARKSON: Luckily, my spare tyres were from a rally car,

-- and Hammond -- wasn't jealous at all.

-I want a rally wheel.  I want a rally wheel.  -CLARKSON: It might fit.

I want...

(CLARKSON LAUGHING)

HAMMOND: Get out of the way!

CLARKSON: While we were bickering, Gentleman James took the lead.

-May is still running! -Not for long.

CLARKSON: But it wasn't James's car that was the problem, it was mine.

-- My new turbo had made it  -- immensely fast.

Coming through!

But it had had a catastrophic effect on the cooling system.

Turbo heating and I'm way down on power.

If I adjust the boost, will that help?

-- The Mitsubishi's unimpeachable -- reliability was gone.

Meanwhile,   James had worked wonders   with the Jag,

succeeding in his garage   where British Leyland   had failed.

He was so confident, in fact,   that he started a new sport   of Hammond-bashing.

Got him! (LAUGHING)

That was out of order!

CLARKSON: Looked like   such fun that I decided   to have a go myself

and set off in hot pursuit.

Come on, mate.  Come and get it, big fella!

CLARKSON: So I did.

You cheating  son of a (BLEEPS)!

It's not the winning,  it's not the taking part,

it's just bashing Hammond.

--CLARKSON: That, of course,  -- put me back in the pits.

Bodywork!

--CLARKSON: Meanwhile, the Jag  -- just kept pounding round.

-- The only time  -- it came into the pits

-- was when the driver's -- sense of direction broke down.

I didn't mean to come in,  I went the wrong way!

(LAUGHS)

--CLARKSON: Hammond may  -- have been picked on,

but his exuberant   driving style   meant he was now winning.

-- And on hearing the news,  -- the crowd went wild.

But then, his exuberant   driving style   put him in a hedge.

After three hours, even May's Jaguar was in trouble.

The exhaust had gone, the suspension had collapsed,

-- and the dashboard  -- was smoking him out.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

I've boiled my brake fluid.

That's how committed  I am to motorsport.

CLARKSON: With just one hour left, we prepared for the final battle.

-CLARKSON: The dials  are reading normal.  -(HISSING)

-Really? I can't believe it.  -Yeah.

Well, I've only been  looking at the fuel one.  That might be why.

(CHUCKLES)  Look at his front spoiler!

Why doesn't he just give up?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

--CLARKSON: The BMW -- was still in the lead,

-- the Jag was second  -- and the Mitsubishi...

Well, that could only do   one lap at a time,   overtaking everything...

CLARKSON: I've got him!

-- ...and then going  -- into the pits again.

It's cutting out.

Whoa!

HAMMOND: That final blow-up   really was the end   of Jeremy's Starion.

Now it was just   a straight fight   between me and James.

(WHISTLING)

All I had to do was bring the BMW home in one piece.

-Oh, no! Transmission!  -(ENGINE HISSING)

I'm out!

-- And that just left -- the plucky Jag,

-- which had made a comeback  -- worthy of Lazarus,

-- Robbie Williams  -- and John Travolta.

To finish first,  first you have to finish.  Even I know that.

(ENGINE GRATING)

It is a glorious day  for Jaguar and common sense.

It's the checkered flag!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh, no, no.

Me. Me. Me.

Not so fast. Not so fast.

-Just... No, I'm sorry,  that's an endurance race.  -Yes.

And the fact is, is that,  yes, you reached  the checkered flag...

-Yes, I did.  -...but it's how many  laps you did.

-What?  -It's how many laps you did,  and he did more.

Yes!

-You drove so slowly... -Thank you.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.

No. No, no, no,  'cause I finished.

-No, it's the number of laps.  -Rubbish.

It's how Le Mans  has worked for many years.  It's a brilliant idea.

-That's how it works. -Motorsport is rubbish.

That's a rubbish spectacle.

Okay, but the fact is,  before you get too excited,

-we now have to put  the scores on the board.  -Yes.

I did 49 laps,  so my total is...

Actually irrelevant, 'cause I'm out of the running completely.

Uh, James, okay,  you're currently sitting  at minus 28,

and, Richard,  you're at minus 35. Okay.

So, James, you did 80 laps, okay?

-So you get 80 points. -And finished.

And finished, irrelevantly.

-So, minus 28 to 80 is...  -Mmm.

30...  52 is your finishing total.

-Right.  -Now, okay, he,  and this is very complicated,

he had done,  he was on minus 35,  so, in other words,

-if he's done eight laps... -There's seven in it.

Yeah, if you'd done  eight laps more than him  in the four hours,

you win.

So I've got to have done  88 laps?

You've got to have done 88 laps.

You did...

-Eighty...  -Yes?

-...two.  -Yes!

I've won something  on Top Gear!

I've won something  on Top Gear.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I've won!

I've won something  on Top Gear.

Well, go on, then!

-What? -Go on!

At this point,  you normally pull out some  preposterous trick

to show that you've won.

And tonight,  ladies and gentlemen,  is no different.

-I have in fact won.  -It's over!

-It isn't over!  -Go on, then.

-No. -Okay.

-Look into this camera here,  James. See this one here?  -Yeah.

--Now, how many people watch Top Gear--around the world now?

-About a quarter of a billion.  -Quarter of a billion people.

You stand there and  tell all those people

that the best cheap car  you can buy is a V12 car  made by communists.

-No, no.  -Go on, say that.

No, no. I didn't say that,  people of the world.

CLARKSON: No, you can't say that.

The fact of the matter is, as you both well know,

the best car there  was the Starion.

No! Look, now, there is something in that, because, yes,

it was probably  the stronger car in some ways,

and it would have won  the endurance race.

-Clearly, it was faster.  -Yeah.

-But it was let down  by one part.  -What?

-You.  -You.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It was badly let down by you,

because you got it  in your thick head

that somehow you knew better  than one of the world's most  pre-eminent car manufacturers

and you tried to improve it and you ruined it.

Yes, look, I know  if I was going to  put in a big turbo,

I should've done something about the cooling system and I didn't, I admit.

So it was your fault, you spoiled it.

Yes, but the fact is, it was the better car.

Now, I think we can do a deal here.

We'll admit  that yours is the best car  and that you won

if you'll admit  that you're a clot  and you ruined your car.

Okay, that's all right. That's fair.

Because it would've done.  Yes?

-Yes? -AUDIENCE: Yes.

I'm a clot and  I ruined my car.

And I've won!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I won!

I blew it, I made a mistake.

I admit it, it's my fault.

It's my fault.

I'm the fool,  I'm the nitwit here.

-HAMMOND: Car good. Me bad.  -Okay, good, good, good.

We do arrive  at a Top Gear--top tip  out of all of this,

which is that, if you only have £1,500 to spend on your coupe,

buy Japanese.

Doesn't matter what it is,  but go Japanese.

And then, crucially, leave it alone.

And on that bombshell, it's...  No, wait, actually...

No, I'm talking rubbish!  We have got  one more thing to do.

Earlier on, I drove  the Maserati MC Hammer here,  okay.

And we suspect that it may be quicker than the Ferrari Enzo.

We suspect it could be the fastest car ever to go round our track.

So that means  we've got to bring out our  house-trained racing driver.

Some say he's wanted  by the CIA

and that he sleeps upside down  like a bat.

All we know is  he's called The Stig.

(ENGINE REVVING)

--CLARKSON: Away he goes!  -- Massive wheel spin,

-- smearing the track with rubber -- from those huge, huge tyres.

Now, down to the first corner.

-- Ooh, he's very fast.  -- And look how flat it is.

No roll at all. But look, you can see The Stig working hard in there!

-- And the prog-rock fixation  -- has reached King Crimson.

Around Chicago,   still looking very flat,   very smooth.

-- Coming up the Hammerhead,  -- braking hard,

the ABS in this is less intrusive than it is in the Enzo,

-- so The Stig can brake later.  -- That will help his time.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Now, follow through. Listen...

(ENGINE ROARING)

-- Totally committed,  -- and unlike the Enzo,

-- the Maserati's  -- stability control

-- just lets him  -- get on with the job.

Normally, you get   these driver aids that are   supposed to help drivers,

-- but The Stig  -- doesn't need their help.

-- He likes to just have  -- him and the machine.

-- No electronic interference  -- and that's what this car is.

-- Coming through Gambon. -- Is he going to make it?

Did he? Oh, come on, did he?

-1.19 to beat. -HAMMOND: We know that.

Okay. 1.19.

-He did it in 1.18.9.  -Whoa!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Incredible!

A new fastest car!

And it's a car  you didn't like.

You know well speed isn't everything.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I can't believe  I just said that.

Anyway, on that bombshell,  it really is time to end.

Thanks very much for watching.  Good night.