Original subtitles

Charlie, I can't believe

we stayed out until 5:00 a.m.

Hey, what do you say we go home

and nap all day long?

I'd love to,

but I kind of have to run New York City.

You are so cute when you're responsible.

Have a good day at work.

Have a good day

at taking some time off to find yourself.

Oh, and you really think the sideburns work?

Oh, yes.

People are going to love them.

Whoa, direct from Beverly hills,

it's Luke Perry. Ha ha ha ha.

Hey, welcome back, kotter.

Hey, leave Chester a. Arthur alone.

[LAUGHING]

He was the 21st president of the United States.

Ha ha ha ha.

He had huge sideburns.

You guys are just jealous

because unlike you, I had fun this weekend.

Hey, we had plenty of fun.

Yeah? I'll bet I can guess what every one of you did.

Okay.

Took a vita-bath and listened to dido.

Ha ha.

The same.

Made prank calls telling people to come

pick up free big-screen tvs in Atlantic city.

Rented a u-haul, drove to Atlantic city.

Good morning, everyone.

What do you think of Charlie's new style?

Well, it looks fine to me. Thank you, sir.

Of course, he would look better

if he were on the cover of a grand funk railroad album.

[LAUGHTER]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

TRACY: Hey, baby. We're on our way up.

I hope you are so psyched to party all night,

because I got us vip tickets to kaboom.

Oh, I'm so psyched.

I've been dying to get into that place.

And we are going to party all night.

So, are you having f... see ya.

Hi. Kaboom?

This is Charlie Crawford, deputy mayor.

Yeah, we got to shut you down tonight.

Your kitchen's in violation of a city health code.

No kitchen?

All right, I'm going to level with you.

I'm with the vice squad.

We need to use your club to stake out

the seedy establishment across the street from you.

Yes, the Christian science reading room.

Charlie.

Charlie, we're worried about you.

You've been out every night this week,

and you look exhausted. What's going on?

Nothing.

I'm having a good time.

You're obviously having an early midlife crisis.

I mean, I'm roughly your age,

and you don't see me dating 23-year-olds.

That's because they're repulsed by you.

Oh, that doesn't hold up.

So are 50-year-olds, and I date them.

Charlie, as your friend,

I feel compelled to tell you

that those sideburns really do come off

as a desperate attempt to cling to your youth.

Kind of like the way you shave your head

so people won't see your bald spot?

Ha ha ha.

Good one, Charlie.

At least I don't look like the third Duke of Hazzard.

If you guys don't mind,

I need to get ready to go out.

Charlie, why don't you accept

that you can't keep up with Tracy?

So I'm a little tired.

That's what happens when you're having a good time.

You wouldn't know. You're too busy playing bingo

with Tracy's dad.

Hey, bingo is very hip these days.

Besides, when I close down a bar,

at least I don't do it over the phone.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, Charlie.

Hey, Caitlin.

Hey.

So, ready to go to kaboom?

Yes.

You want to come?

Really?

Yeah, I mean, you are dating my dad,

and you have been trying to get to know me better.

All right. Let's go.

Where are you guys going? I want to go.

Sorry, I can't get any more people

on the vip list, and you'd have to wait in line.

Yeah, Paul, I'm sure you got better things to do

than wait in the freezing cold for six hours

trying to convince some bouncer you're worthy of getting in.

Should I wear jeans?

Oh, my God.

That's Martin Davis.

He's the biggest art dealer in the city.

I'm guessing he's also gay.

Why, just because he's dressed well?

No, because you're sucking in your stomach.

I'll admit it's true.

I've had a little crush on him for quite some time.

He just looks like one of those

stuffy, pretentious, high-society snobs.

I know. He's perfect.

Sir, what was Martin Davis doing here?

He invited me to a fund-raiser he's throwing tonight.

I bought a few seats, but I'm not going to go.

It's for predominantly gay men.

I don't think I fit in.

Sir, you were the grand marshal at the gay pride parade.

You seemed comfortable.

Yeah, but I was high above the crowd

in that leaning tower of pisa float.

That wasn't the leaning tower of pisa.

That was a giant... no.

Sir...

I think it's very important that you attend.

Martin Davis could be a very influential supporter

of your administration.

Well, that's certainly true.

Tell you what... I'll go along to help out.

That's an excellent idea, Carter. It's a date.

Wait, if people see us together,

they may get the wrong idea.

Stuart, why don't you come? Oh, I'd love to, sir.

Great. It's a threesome. Nothing gay about that.

You're really gonna go? Why wouldn't I?

Because it's going to be populated by the gay elite of this city.

You don't belong.

I take you to straight events.

That's because you know women love gay men. You use me as bait.

Oh, you figured that out?

I don't care what you say. I'm going.

Going where? Where are you guys going? I want to go.

It's a fund-raiser. The mayor can only put 2 people on his guest list.

Aw, come on. I never get included.

I wanna be on the list,

and I don't want any lame excuses.

Well, the truth is, due to the building codes

and the way the chandeliers are hung in the ballroom,

they're only allowing a certain number of guests in

with your... Height.

Well, can't get around safety.

Thanks anyway, buddy.

Hey, Charlie,

I think we're gonna head over to house of noise now.

Is it open this late?

Are you kidding? Things at house of noise

don't even get started till 1:00.

Charlie, you were right. This is really fun.

Oh, you don't have to tell me.

I've been doing this... 12 nights in a row.

I've got kamikaze shots.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

[UNENTHUSED] Yeah.

On the count of 3...

1, 2, 3.

Ah.

I'm going to go crowd surf.

All right.

Incoming!

Whoo! Yeah!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Charlie, this is not fun.

Just admit you'd rather be at home sleeping right now.

And miss partying with my woman? No way.

It's so loud you can't even talk to your woman.

Say these words. "I'd rather be in bed."

Would a guy who'd rather be in bed do this?

Incoming!

[THUD]

Carter.

I'm ready to go mingle with the gays.

Any tips for me?

Okay, tip number one...

don't use the term "the gays."

Sir, you're a very witty and interesting man.

Just be yourself. I'm sure you'll charm their pants off.

I don't want their pants off.

Hey. So, you making any headway with Martin?

It's going well, but every time I get on a roll,

his friend interrupts.

Do me a favor. Strike up a conversation

with the friend so he's out of my way.

Are you asking me to be your gay wingman?

Can we not point out the depth to which I'm sinking?

Look, I wouldn't know what to say.

Just talk to them like you talk to me.

I'm gay. You've lived with me for six years.

All right, I'll try it.

Hi. I'm Stuart.

Martin.

Some turnout, huh?

Oh, yes, we had over 200 rsvps.

Wow. What did you do,

tell them you were going to raffle off a pink miata?

[LAUGHING]

So...

You're having fun?

A blast.

How much longer do you think it'll be?

Not long.

That's cool,

'cause things don't even get started here until 2:00.

Tracy, I've had a great time,

but I think I'm going to head home.

I'm glad you came out.

I'm heading home. Want to share a cab?

And miss hearing more techno remixes

of last year's Latin hits?

Not a chance.

Charlie, your lips are blue.

Blue with fun.

Besides, things here don't even get started until 2:00.

You heard bungee.

Fine. Knock yourself out.

Hey, Charlie. Hey, Paul.

Where have you been?

I stood on the wrong line for six hours.

Long story short,

who's up for "lord of the dance" next Tuesday?

Hey, since we're going to be here for a while,

why don't we spark it up?

Give me that.

Relax. Charlie, it's just a joint.

Yeah, well, it happens to be a controlled substance.

Hey, guys, news flash...

I'm the deputy mayor.

I can't be seen with this stuff.

MaN: You there with the sideburns...

Put your hands in the air.

Just the old guy.

All right, what's going on here?

Hi. Charlie Crawford, deputy mayor.

I go to various nightclubs around town

teaching kids that drugs are bad.

Is that right?

Yeah. Let me just wrap up this seminar.

Kids...

Drugs are bad.

Thanks, mister. We've learned our lesson.

Hey, you wouldn't mind if I took a look in his backpack, would you?

Sure. We got nothing to hide.

Okay, part two of our seminar...

introduction to the inside of a squad car.

The first lady says, "you've seen one, you've seen them all."

The second lady says, "yeah, but this one's eating my popcorn."

[LAUGHING]

Hey.

If you were a "sex and the city" character,

which one would you be? I'm definitely Miranda.

I'm Charlotte. I'm so Carrie.

As Carter was talking, I had to wonder...

could these three guys be any gayer?

Heh heh.

Hey, siegfried,

I hate to tear you away from Roy,

but you want to skip over to the bar

and pick up something fruity, or maybe a drink?

I love this guy.

Carter.

Uh...

I was, uh,

waiting for the two of us to be alone.

I had a feeling.

There's something that I want to ask you.

There's, uh, something I want to ask you, too,

but you first.

Okay.

Um, is Stuart seeing anyone?

I would love to. What?

Oh, I'm sorry. Are the two of you an item?

No.

It's just...

His honesty is so refreshing.

He's delightfully vulgar.

He's unlike any gay man I've ever met.

That's truer than you know.

Would you let him know I'm interested,

be my wingman?

Yeah. Why not?

So, what's your favorite musical?

I hate musicals.

Good one, stuey.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, who's the wingman of the year?

You idiot.

Martin wants you.

He finds your vulgarity refreshing.

Finally, someone gets me.

This is serious.

He asked me to come over here and set you up with him.

Ha ha ha.

What's so funny?

* he likes me better than you *

what's the big deal?

I'll just tell him I'm not gay.

You can't tell him you're straight. That would only humiliate him.

Hey, what's going on?

Martin has the hots for Stuart.

Hey, congratulations, buddy.

Look, I'll just leave.

Whoa, no, no, no.

You can't leave. That would be rude.

Martin Davis is a very important man.

I can't risk offending him.

Sir, what are you saying?

Well, I'm saying you led him on,

he fell for you, find a way to make it work.

Maybe we're overreacting. Maybe he's not that into me.

Stuart, I just requested a slow song.

Would you care to join me out on the dance floor?

Okay, guys, wake up.

I talked to the police.

They're going to let you all off the hook

'cause this is a first-time offense, but it's going to be on your record.

And you... your father and I are very disappointed,

so take a good look at your friends,

because you are grounded, mister.

I don't need this right now.

Look, if it makes you feel any better,

I couldn't handle last night, either,

especially all those shots.

Those were brutal going down.

I was throwing them over my shoulder.

Me too.

Are you finally ready to start acting

like a normal guy your age?

No, because I'm not a normal guy.

I'm the wild guy,

the fun guy, the guy who's up for anything.

I'm not accepting this.

I am the same guy I've always been,

and that's never going to change.

Charlie, it has changed.

You have to accept that you're not a kid anymore.

I don't believe that.

Hey, Charlie, it's only 5:00.

We could still make it to Jack's for a rock-'n'-roll breakfast.

At Jack's, breakfast doesn't even start till...

stop saying that.

I'll tell you what's started.

Tuesday, five hours ago.

What is wrong with you?

I thought you liked to party.

Yes, Tracy, I liked to party.

In fact, I partied for so long

that now, I like to sleep.

The thing is, I've done all this.

I've bar hopped, I've crowd surfed,

I've partied all night long.

And you want to know what a real rock-'n'-roll breakfast is?

A shot and an egg with Keith Richards.

Who's Keith Richards?

Oh, God.

You're right.

I'm 1,000 years old.

I can't believe it.

Oh, me either.

They're like a regular Fred Astaire and...

Fred Astaire.

The problem is, sooner or later,

Martin's going to figure out

that Stuart's not gay.

Not necessarily. He can string him along

for a couple of years without sex.

Worked for my ex-wife.

I know what to do.

I'll go over there and ask to cut in,

and when I'm dancing with Martin,

I'll turn on the old Heywood charm

and steal that man away from Stuart.

Ah, the best damn party I've been to in months.

Excuse me. May I cut in?

Okay.

What the hell are you doing?

I don't know. I thought you came to save me.

I did, by dancing with Martin.

It's not my fault if I get Martin's engine running.

Oh, please.

You might be good for a one-night stand,

but you could never hold on to a man like that.

Carter, calm down.

Why are you getting so crazy about one guy?

'Cause I haven't met anybody in a long time,

and when I finally do, you screw it up.

I'm sorry.

But you got nothing to worry about.

You're a catch.

Oh, you're just saying that.

Oh, hey, look at me.

I could get any guy here...

And I'm dancing with you.

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you and Tracy.

That's okay.

It wasn't going to last, anyway.

She just got cast on "the real world Chicago."

It's probably for the best.

I guess.

Whenever we went out, Tracy would have a blast,

and I just wanted to go home and watch "sportscenter."

That's never happened

in my 20 years of dating 23-year-olds.

You know, Charlie,

just 'cause you don't want to stay out till dawn

doesn't mean you don't know how to have fun.

You're right.

I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

I'm basically the same hip, cool guy I've always been.

MAN: G-46.

Bingo.

[MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

[BARKING]

Moo.