Original subtitles

Stuart just faxed me from Antigua...

"can't make it back to work as scheduled.

"A huge storm flooded the island.

Michelle and I are stuck here another week."

I hope they're okay.

"If no one buys that,

say there was a coup,

and the rebels control the airport.

Please, Paul, don't screw this up."

Apparently, there was a coup.

Sorry I'm late.

[CLEARS THROAT] This morning rags passed away.

Carter, I'm so sorry.

I know how much that dog meant to you.

The doctor did tell me he only had 6 months to live.

Wasn't that in 1974?

He was a fighter. [CLEARS THROAT]

Ah, this is, uh, this is for you.

It's his... Favorite chew toy.

He would've wanted you to have it.

So I'm holding a plastic burger covered in dead-dog spit?

We called it "squeaky."

[SQUEAKING]

How did it happen?

Rags was mounting his little giggling gizmo doll

the same way he'd done a thousand times before,

and his little heart just quit.

Excuse me.

Older dog... Younger plush toy...

never works.

Oh, sir. Mm-hmm.

I just got a call from newsday.

They got a copy of your tax records.

And it appears you didn't make a charitable donation last year.

I instructed my accountant to give generously to several causes.

Let me get Arthur on the phone.

[DIALING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[BEEP BEEP BEEP]

WOMAN: The number you have dialed is no longer in service.

If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Arthur pollack,

please contact the federal authorities.

So obviously... He's not the problem.

Uh, how do we fix this, Charlie?

I know. We'll set up a Randall Winston foundation.

Then we'll make a sizeable donation to a charity.

The important thing is money goes to people who need it.

It's not about publicity or who gets credit.

I'll leak that to the press. Start with the times.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Look, dad, I told you... stop calling me.

I don't care if it is my birthday.

I don't wanna see you.

Gotta go, dad. Bye.

Oh, is your dad coming in for your birthday tomorrow?

No. No. He can't get away from work.

Aw, that's too bad. I would've liked to have finally met him.

Some other time.

But, if it's any consolation,

no matter what it takes,

I am going to top the gift I got you last year.

Oh, you got me that awesome vintage Yankees Jersey.

No, the mayor got you that.

Oh, you got me that sweet rolling stones box set.

Stuart and Carter.

Well, whatever it was, it had to be better than

that lame thing Paul gave me that sorts change.

You got me that.

So your charity... "harmony, not handouts"...

provides musical instruments to homeless people?

Wouldn't homeless be better served with food or shelter?

Been done.

Thank you, miss Watkins. We'll keep your organization on a short list.

[ACCORDION PLAYS FLAT NOTE]

Some of these charities are really out there.

If I had time, I'd have people sift through these.

We wouldn't have to go through this dog and pony show.

Sir, try not to mention anything having to do with dogs.

I think it reminds Carter that rags is dead.

Paul, do you mind?

Really, Paul, put a muzzle on it.

Oh, I did it again. Doggone it. I'm sorry.

Sir, sir... Would you stop hounding me?!

Excuse me.

No, no, no, Carter, sit. Sit.

Stay. Stay.

Rough.

All right, we're here. What's your big surprise?

I didn't know what to get you, and I know it's unconventional,

but, um, look over there.

Wow!

You have officially topped the change-sorter.

Not her!

Dad. Hey, Charlie. Good to see you.

Surprise! I had him come up for your birthday.

I can't believe you came here.

You're the last person in the world I wanna see.

Over here.

Say "cheese."

Take it easy, kid. I'll get us some drinks.

Excuse me.

What did you do?

I got his number off caller I.D. And invited him.

He's really excited to see you.

He's not. He shows up when he wants something.

The guy's a con man.

Well, you haven't seen him in a long time.

Maybe he's changed.

I bet you paid for his train ticket.

I had to. He left his wallet

at the old-age home where he volunteers.

Was the old-age home called Churchill downs?

No. It was belmont park.

Come on, let's be sociable.

I got us a table and a round of drinks...

vodka rocks for me, beer for Charlie,

and an appletini for the lady.

Why an appletini?

I try to match the drink to the person.

An appletini is smooth, sophisticated,

and it's as strong as it is sweet. Thank you, ray.

Why'd you get me a beer? 'Cause you're foaming at the mouth. Relax.

All right, dad, let's get to it. What are you really here for?

I wanted to be with my kid on his birthday.

When did that become a sin?

Tell me how much money you need,

and we can end this pathetic, little charade.

Mmmm. This is a good appletini.

Don't be so dramatic.

I know you've always resented me because I wasn't around,

and I gambled away your college fund.

I had a college fund?

S-should I buy us another round?

I'm out of here.

Let's just call this a bad idea and forget that it happened.

Come on, Charlie. I just got here. Charlie!

Charlie always assumes the worst about me.

What he doesn't realize is people can change.

Oh, please. This is on me.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Uh, excuse me. Mike Gomez... food critic, Manhattan dining.

Wow! I'll have to comp the meal.

Oh, that's not really necessary.

But, what the hell? Rules are rules.

Now, uh...

Charlie, I am so sorry about last night.

I never should've interfered.

I shouldn't expect you to understand

having a screwed-up relationship with your father.

Oh, are you kidding? My dad was so... Overbearing...

always helping me with my homework, taking me to Europe,

showing up to my field hockey games with signs that said,

"go, Caitlin. We love you, Caitlin."

I'm sorry. I-I was happy.

Look, I may not know your history with your father,

but... He seems like a pretty good guy.

I mean, he came all this way for your birthday.

Let me tell you how much my dad cares about my birthday.

When I turned 9, he promised to give me a gumball machine.

I was so excited I couldn't sleep for weeks.

I told all my friends.

I woke up that morning. I ran downstairs.

There was no gumball machine...

Just a note saying that he'd moved out.

Have you guys seen Carter?

No. Why?

Well, I realized that in his time of crisis,

he needs a go-to guy.

And with his best friend out of town,

I decided to step up and be his new Stuart...

Minus the bad haircut...

And the rudeness.

And subscriptions to porno magazines?

Yeah, that too.

Oh, there you are.

Listen, Carter, I know that you're down about rags.

But you know what?

He's gonna be with you forever.

I'll always carry him in my heart.

More than in your heart.

Hah? [LAUGHS]

I had him stuffed!

And look, for an extra $15,

they put in cloudy marbles to match the cataracts in his eyes.

Paul, this is totally offensive!

No, it's not.

And look what they put under his little paws...

wheels!

Now...

Carter can still take him out for walks.

Lookit! Lookit! Lookit!

Ha ha ha ha.

Pretty great, huh?

Are you out of your mind?!

How could you think this horror show is... is great?!

Wow.

Carter hated that.

I thought this was a perfect way to preserve a loved one.

I guess I was wrong.

I'm glad you figured that out before his grandmother died.

It was a great idea to have the mayor set up this foundation.

The press will get off his back.

Which did the mayor end up picking?

He went with an organization that uses horses to rehabilitate inmates.

That makes sense. 'Cause that's what you really want to give a criminal...

something that can run 30 Miles an hour and jump fences.

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention?

I've interviewed, oh, dozens of charities,

but finally, a man came in who truly inspired me.

So it's my honor to introduce to you...

The recipient of a $25,000 check... Mr. ray Harris.

In conclusion, these men are not just ex-convicts.

They're fathers, husbands, sons.

This money represents a second chance for them and their families.

A new road to the future... Paved with hope.

Thank you.

I can't believe people are buying this.

[CRYING SOFTLY] Really... What a fraud.

I heard about your dog. I understand how you must feel.

But just remember...

we only get strong when we lift heavy burdens.

You're a special person. God bless you.

I guess I'll go draft up a press release.

My people will draft up the press release. Don't do any extra work.

You're a special person. God bless you.

I need to talk to you.

Not right now.

Call me at the foundation. We'll set up an appointment.

Great. Why don't you give me an address and phone number?

You know what? I've got just a second.

Excuse me.

What the hell do you think you're doing?!

Of all the stuff you've pulled in your life,

starting a fake charity is a new low.

Charlie, I guarantee you every cent from that check

will be going to ex-convicts.

It's not. It's going to you!

I got news for you.

That 6 months I spent upstate, I wasn't in chefs' school.

Look, the mayor means too much to me.

I can't let you do this.

Fine. Turn me in.

You know I can't do that.

This is crazy.

What do I have to do to get you to walk away?

I'll tell you what... we'll shoot a game of pool.

If I win, I take the money and leave.

You win, I leave right away.

I break.

Not bad. You remember what I taught you.

Of course I remember.

You started taking me to pool halls when I was 7.

Sorry about that. I wanted to wait till you were ready.

Remember when I got you out of school, took you to Callahan's tavern?

How could I forget?

I made 100 bucks, you let me have a sip of beer,

and I got a kiss from that hot waitress.

Boy, was your mom mad

when we rolled in at 2:00 in the morning.

Well, in her defense, I was 8 years old,

and we had just hot-wired a camaro.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, I forgot how good you are.

You're in the middle of screwing me over,

and here I am laughing with you.

Maybe you just can't help having a good time with your old man.

Damn it.

Excuse me.

Is it me...

Or is the table leaning to the left?

Or is it leaning to the right?

I think the table's leaning towards the pockets.

Tough break.

Well, it's like you always said, dad...

pool is a game of momentum.

Mo...

Men...

Tum.

Excuse me.

There you are. What's going on?

If I sink this shot, the mayor gets his money back.

Oh, my God. It's a lot of pressure.

I'll shut up.

You can do it, Charlie.

[CLEARS THROAT] I'll drop by city hall

to pick up my check tomorrow.

Man, you choked.

I know I screwed up, but this is gonna make you feel better.

I-I don't know, Paul.

Don't be ridiculous. Please, sit down.

Rags deserves a dignified send-off.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are here today to pay our final respects

to a special, little dog.

He loved to eat. He loved to play.

He loved his giggling gizmo,

but in the end, maybe a bit too much.

And now... We pay our final respects...

To an old friend.

Oh, darn it. How did the guy in the store do this?

I've had enough.

[BARKING]

That came free with the wheels.

Carter. Carter, I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

I-I know. There's nothing you can do, Paul.

Losing rags was like losing a best friend.

So right now...

I just need to feel sad.

Promise me...

No more ridiculous gestures to make me feel better.

I promise.

Outside.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Are you okay?

Ye... ha ha ha ha.

That's the stupidest thing I've seen in my life.

I know. I'm sorry.

I don't know what I was thinking.

What the hell are you ever thinking?!

I don't know. I'm an idiot!

You are! But I love you for it.

You want a gingerbread rags?

No, no, no. Aaah! Ha ha ha.

Come on! I got a collage.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, Charlie.

I'm just writing out a check to Ray's foundation.

Sir, maybe you're rushing into this.

It's an awful lot of money.

You kidding? I keep more cash than that hidden in my office.

You don't say.

Good thing this office has such tight security.

Well, actually, it's pretty weak.

That's why I keep it in a fake book.

You don't actually think I'm reading "don quixote," do you?

Hey, you ever think of picking that book up?

Not till just now.

My point is, sir, that there are plenty of other charities.

It sounds like you're having a problem with Mr. Harris.

RAY: Yes, Mr. Crawford...

Do you have a problem with me?

I just... I...

no.

I have no problem.

Oh, well, we're set then.

Now, who should I make it out to?

Our holding company is called "convicts are saved by horses."

But you can just use the acronym.

C-a-s-h.

There you go.

Oh, God, it's so frustrating. He totally manipulated you,

and there's nothing you could do about it.

If only you didn't suck at pool.

I found a way to fix this.

I'm gonna make a donation in the mayor's name to a similar charity.

At least the money will go where the mayor wants it to.

If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

I could use $25,000.

How about a hug?

What the hell are you still doing here?

Just wanted to say goodbye.

Fine! Goodbye.

This time let's make it permanent.

You got your money.

Yes, I did.

Now, there's only one thing left for me to do.

I'm not gonna take the money. I was never gonna take it.

For the first time in your life, you're gonna do the right thing?

And what? Now I'm supposed to give you a hug

and let you take me to a ballgame?

Well, forget it.

It's too late for that.

Hey, we're not done talking.

Yes, we are!

Every time you drift back into my life,

it's always about what you want, what you can get from me.

If it's not the check, then what is it, dad, huh?

What's the angle?

The angle is I wanted to be with my kid on his birthday.

After you stormed out of the bar, I had to figure out a way

to spend some quality time with you.

So... You made up a fake charity,

conned my boss out of 25 grand, and jeopardized my career?

That's your idea of quality time?

I was gonna take you fishing, but that seemed so cliche.

Well, why now... After all these years?

I wanna get back in your life.

No! It's too late for that!

Too many nights I sat looking out the window

hoping you'd come home.

Too many times I had to cook dinner for mom

'cause she was so tired from work.

I screwed up. I know that. But I'm here now.

I don't need you now! I needed you then!

Where were you when I was learning to ride a bike or shoot a basket?

Do you realize that mom had to teach me how to shave?

I was the only guy that showed up to baseball camp with a lady bic.

Well, I'm just saying I'm not that guy anymore.

So... If you ever decide to give me a second chance,

here's my number.

"Ray Larson... licensed chiropractor"?

It's on the other side.

By the way, we're closed wednesdays.

Look, I'd like to say that I tried to be a great father,

and I did the best I could, but we both know that's not true.

What is true is that I'm proud of you.

You're my boy.

And I love you.

Happy Birthday, son.

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. [BARKING]

Moo.