Original subtitles

...and boots, Mr. scratchy, moxie,

penny, ling-ling, and Sebastian.

Wow. You have a lot of cats.

You look a little different than the last time I saw you.

Yeah. I've been working out. You want a ticket?

A ticket to what?

A ticket to the gun show.

Nice, huh?

Yeah.

The blue veins really bring out your eyes.

They're not just pretty. They're useful.

There you are, you cheating lowlife!

Who's this? I'm the woman who's carrying his child.

[CRYING] You promised you'd stop chasing other women.

Are you really the father?

According to the DNA testing and the judge, I am.

But I still have my doubts.

I never want to see you again.

What took you so long?

I paged you half an hour ago.

"Code red" means you get here right away.

Stop complaining.

You're upsetting our fake baby.

Join me? You can have her food.

What'd she order?

A t-bone steak, three baked potatoes,

and a quart of cottage cheese.

Hey, thanks again for saving me last night.

Oh, no problem. You might have to return the favor.

I have a date tonight.

Okay.

But the whole fake-baby thing is getting a little stale.

Oh, you're right.

Next time I'll be your disappointed parole officer.

Actually, that's a little close to home.

Wheeler's attacking the mayor again.

Being mayor of this city is physically taxing.

That's another reason why I'm a better candidate

than Randall Winston.

I'm younger and in better shape.

Come on, honey. Let's go play another set.

Terrific idea!

I can't believe he thinks he's in better shape than I am.

I play 27 holes of golf a day. The voters should know that.

Let's tell them the day after the election.

Wheeler's just trying to get some momentum.

It's working. Since he began making age and fitness an issue, our lead is dissolving.

We got to beat him at his own game.

We'll just do the same thing.

Terrible idea! Terrible!

Not you, Paul.

Just the mayor.

Okay, that'll work.

I'll set up a press event at your health club.

I just have one question.

Your club's at 86th and Madison.

Thank you!

Fitness is a major part of my life.

I work out every day to keep my body shipshape.

Why don't I start with a few chin-ups?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ahh!

Huh!

[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]

Someone should fix this thing.

Get your cameras ready.

I'm about to pump some iron.

Easy there, Winston.

You don't want to hurt yourself. Hello, folks.

Wheeler, what brings you to this gym during my press event?

Just came with my lovely wife, Nancy,

to get in a little workout.

We love to exercise.

[MOCKING] We love to exercise.

Spot me.

[CHUCKLES] That's nothing.

Ahh!

Mr. mayor, that's an awful lot of weight.

I can handle it.

Huh!

Ugh.

[GASPING]

Push, sir.

[STRAINED] Can't.

Being crushed.

Blacking out.

Of course I'll spot you.

[STRAINED] There you go, sir.

That's all you.

Are you pushing at all?

Mommy!

And...

10!

Whew.

The food here is really great.

Order anything you want.

I make a ton of money.

Get a lobster. Get two lobsters.

I think I'm gonna have a salad.

Get a lobster salad.

I'm allergic to shellfish. It could kill me, okay?

It's important to be prepared for death.

That's why I've already bought my own burial plot.

15 grand.

Maybe I will have the shellfish.

Watching these people makes me think I should get into shape.

We should start working out.

We should. As of right now, we are getting healthy.

All right, I've got some jalapeño poppers

and a four-cheese quesadilla.

Right here.

Boy, this gives you quite a workout.

I can really feel it here.

It's called a cracked rib.

Oh, great. Now Wheeler's gonna show off on a treadmill.

Two can play that game.

This is a walk in the park.

Well, let's pick it up a little bit.

[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Hi, Caitlin. How's your date going?

Right now?! I'm really busy.

All right, I do owe you one. I'll be right there.

Hey, Carter, Stuart, can you guys cover for me?

[GARBLED] No problem.

[GARBLED] You can count on us.

I think that we should start with some aerobics.

Yeah, aerobics.

Wheeler, you're in trouble.

I got one of these babies at home.

Once I was on it for over 15 minutes.

I can do over three hours.

That's not gonna work for me.

I'm seeing "kiss me, Kate" at 8:00.

Guess how much this watch cost?

It doesn't matter.

I'll give you a hint... 4 grand.

Uh, $100.

Way off. 4 grand.

You're bored, aren't you?

Well, all this talk about money is kind of a turnoff.

You're right. I always do this.

I'm out with an attractive woman, I get nervous,

and then I just start talking about money. Why?

I'm... I'm not that confident.

And I never think a woman's gonna like me just for me.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we start over?

Thank you. That would be great.

Hey, if it makes you feel better, we can go Dutch.

Let's not get carried away.

[CHUCKLES]

Aha!

I can't believe you're cheating on me again.

Charlie, I made a mistake.

You're damn right you did.

And now you're coming with me.

Whoa-ho.

She's not going anywhere with you.

Why don't you sit down before somebody...

getting tired, Winston?

I feel great.

Here you go, Julian.

I thought you might want this.

Here, sir. I thought you might want this.

It's a banana smoothie.

You're being childish. Let's call it a draw.

Fine. Stop your treadmill. You stop yours.

No chance. In fact, I'll put my elevation up to 6.

I'm gonna put mine up to 7!

Legs starting to burn, Winston?

The joke's on you.

I lost feeling in my legs two hours ago.

Well, let's see you try this.

Ha!

Ugh! Ugh!

Ugh! Ohh!

Julian!

Nice try!

I'm not gonna push that button.

Wheeler had a heart attack, but he's gonna be fine.

He's out of the race.

I didn't expect to win like this.

But it's just as sweet.

Let's pop open the bubbly!

[LAUGHING]

Uh, sir, you might want to tone it down a bit.

Wheeler's wife is coming by this afternoon to concede.

She's very hot.

What's your point? I think I was clear.

Well, I guess the lesson here is don't get on the treadmill

if your body can't handle a vigorous workout.

Ohh!

Whoa! Who punched you?

Nobody.

You've got a class ring indented on your cheek.

"Summit high cougars."

Look at that tiny cougar.

You see, that's old-world craftsmanship.

I was helping Caitlin get out of a bad date,

and this guy, Kyle, took a swing at me.

He was about 6'8" with bulging muscles.

Whoo!

I mean, oh.

I'm telling you. He was a monster.

Hey, everyone, I'd like you to meet Kyle.

You're Kyle?

Where's the rest of him?

Kyle came because he wants to apologize.

I feel really bad about hitting you.

Sucker punched. Wasn't ready.

I had no idea I'd knock you to the ground.

The floor was slippery... marble tile.

And then you'd be delirious, grab a butter knife,

and threaten to cut me.

That part's true.

Can I see you for a second?

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

You can't date this guy.

He's not a bad guy. He was just trying to defend me.

That's why it was such a sweet gesture

when he dropped you like a sack of potatoes.

Are you turned on because he slugged me?

No!

Well, a little.

My point is, I want to give him a chance.

Fine. You like this guy, I'm gonna have to be around him,

so I guess the only rational thing to do is move on.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna punch him then move on.

Oh, no, no, no.

Come on, Charlie. If you channel that energy

into something mature,

you'll feel much better.

Just do this for me as a friend.

Why did I ever agree to be your friend?

Because I wouldn't sleep with you.

Oh, yeah.

Kyle, I'll grab your coat and walk you out.

Okay. Hey, Charlie.

I almost didn't recognize you standing up.

Hey, Charlie, do me a favor. Call maintenance.

My door is stuck again.

Thank you, Charlie.

We are terribly sorry about your husband,

and even though this assures our victory,

we all carry heavy hearts.

Not now! Not now!

3 o'clock! 3 o'clock!

I know your husband and I were adversaries,

and it saddens me that you have to come here

and concede on his behalf.

I'm not conceding.

I'm taking over my husband's campaign,

and I'm running for mayor myself.

I have played the smiling wife for 12 years.

This is my chance to finally do something.

No offense, but not just anyone can run for mayor. You have to be qualified.

I have a comprehensive plan for education and tax reform.

I have a law degree from Yale.

I'm well-funded and I have the backing

of my husband's supporters.

Whoa. Whoa. Slow down, sweetheart.

You're talking gibberish.

Being mayor takes more than ideas and financial support.

You have to be comfortable in front of the camera.

I used to model for revlon.

Oh, like that makes you qualified?

We're in big trouble.

Tonight's debate is on.

I a going to be mayor.

Let me tell you something, Mrs. Wheeler.

You will never be mayor.

And that is as clear as the fact

that I am a top-notch press secretary

who can be had for a five-figure salary

and a reasonable health-care package.

And you may take this card, as a reminder of who said that.

You'll never believe this.

Nancy Wheeler's beating us in the polls.

With her husband in the hospital,

she's riding a wave of sympathy.

Who would have thought when Wheeler had a heart attack

it would turn out to be a bad thing?

The voters finally have a candidate

who's qualified and pretty.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Sir, I didn't mean to imply

that you aren't qualified.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Or pretty.

Well, she is hot. I'll grant you that.

But we need to dig deeper.

Who does she associate with?

What does she wear to bed? Is it Lacey?

These are the things we need to know.

I'm going to need $1,000, night-vision goggles,

and a van with a big cockroach on the top.

Stuart's brilliant plan aside,

I think we need to focus on tonight's debate.

Sir, you've got to treat her like any other candidate. She hits us, we hit her back.

Big words coming from a man with a tiny cougar on his face.

[LAUGHS] Good one, sir.

Just trying to make it easy on the old guy.

[LAUGHS]

Cougar! Zing! [LAUGHS]

This whole Kyle thing is driving me crazy.

Charlie, I commend you on being above senseless violence.

So if Kyle hit you, you'd just let it go?

Hell, no. I'd beat him like a rented mule.

Charlie, it's out of your control.

Men are genetically programmed to defend themselves.

Every feeling you're having

is the result of millions of years of evolution.

Evolution... what a crock.

I hate debates.

I'm too easily swayed by other people's arguments.

Sir, that's not true.

Yeah, you're right.

Wheeler's wife seems new and exciting.

You just got to get out there and bring her down a peg.

I don't know. That's just not my style.

Come on. Who's the mayor? I am.

And who's the best candidate? I am.

Who's going to own this city for the next four years?

Organized crime.

Close enough.

[APPLAUSE]

Good luck.

I'm about to destroy you.

You're going to wish you'd stayed in bed all day.

For your information, I did.

Mrs. Wheeler will speak first.

[SIGHS]

[VOICE BREAKING] Tonight,

I continue the fight that my husband began.

Because the people of this city deserve a better leader.

Your track record on crime and the economy is a joke.

Well, it's better than having no track record at all.

You're nothing but an inexperienced political wannabe.

I am just trying to complete

the work that my poor husband was doing

before you drove him to the brink of death.

Oh, jeez.

Let's stick to the issues. Your economic policy...

[CRYING] My husband loves that economic policy.

Corporate tax breaks

are a perfect way to stimulate the economy.

[SIGHS]

You have no transportation proposal.

We do.

We came up with it in the ambulance

while they were trying to restart his heart.

We're screwed. She's playing the sympathy card. He looks lost up there.

There's no way we're going to pull this out!

Hold on. He's making his move.

I'm sorry, but her story is just so moving.

[SIGHS] I only wish that I could boost her spirits.

The way I have boosted the economy of this city.

[CRYING] 10.7% annually.

[SOBS]

[SNIFFLES]

Mrs. Wheeler...

Nancy...

Let me embrace you

the way I have embraced the poor and the disenfranchised

of this city.

Welcome to the big leagues.

You're a sneaky bastard, aren't you?

There. There. Let it all out.

Right. Thanks.

Sir. Yeah?

The Tim is calling the debate a draw.

Looks like the election is going down to the wire.

It's going to be a tough final week.

Sir, you did a great job tonight.

How did you make yourself cry like that?

Well, I just thought of my father

and how I never got to tell him I loved him.

Then I stabbed myself in the thigh with my pen.

Hi, ya, Charlie.

God, I am gonna be so happy when that shiner is gone.

'Cause it's a painful reminder

of how I knocked you over like a Mexican bank.

Look, the only reason I don't level you

is because Caitlin's my friend and I promised I wouldn't.

Nothing you can say will provoke me.

What a wuss.

It's party time.

Hey! Charlie! Charlie! Charlie!

Charlie, Charlie.

I thought you were going to be mature?

After I punch him, I'll open an I.R.A.

Get in there.

I can't believe you.

You don't understand.

Every time you're not looking,

this guy's like a midget with road rage.

You promised you'd let this go, but it's obvious

that your ego is more important than our friendship.

You want to talk about friendship?

As your friend,

it pisses me off that you're dating such a jerk!

You can do so much better than this guy.

That's why I can't let it go.

You just want to punch him.

Of course I do!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You yelling at my girl?

Hey, pal. This is none of your business.

I'm not an idiot.

I spent 80 grand putting myself through college.

You should have saved some money for dental school.

Charlie, I grant you, he's a little annoying,

but there's no reason to resort to violence.

Hey, toots, when I want your opinion,

I'll ask for it.

Caitlin?

Party time.

You know what?

I'm not gonna hit you because I'm the bigger man.

I'm more mature.

Why don't you just take a walk.

I don't have to walk.

I got $100,000 Porsche turbo parked outside.

See ya.

Charlie, I'm really proud of you.

I think you've grown as a person.

Well, I'd like to think I have.

Well?

Porsche... there is no substitute.

These machines are free.

Let's get busy.

Mmm!

Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)

Moo.