Original subtitles

Okay.

I know you guys have to do a security sweep

before the president gets here,

but I'm a law-abiding citizen,

who is single, patriotic,

and willing to move to Washington.

I can't believe the president of the United States

is coming here!

I am so excited!

Hey, hey, relax.

It's not like he's a backstreet boy.

I am a campaign manager.

To me, he is a backstreet boy.

Okay, then he's... he's Howie d.

My niece... big fan.

Mike, you don't have a niece.

Let's just drop it, okay?

By the way, you're welcome.

What for?

How do you think it came to pass

that you'll be accompanying the mayor to meet the president?

He's coming to endorse the mayor's campaign,

which I'm running.

Plus, I invited him and made all the arrangements.

Oh, the things people tell themselves.

No, I graciously stepped aside,

'cause I knew how important this was to you.

Thank you, Mike. That is very nice of you.

That's the kind of guy I am.

So, how many world leaders

has your boyfriend introduced you to?

Mike, you know he's a commercial director.

If you play your cards right,

he might introduce you to those guys

who go, "whassup!"

Stuart, you know he's been standing like that all day?

Of course he has. He's not allowed to move.

No matter what you do, he'll just stand like a statue.

Really?

Watch this.

Excuse me, do you mind if I flick your ear?

No? Okay.

Flick.

Flick, flick, flick.

You want some more?

Flick, flick, fli... aaah!

Wait. I was thinking of the guards at Buckingham Palace.

These guys will kill you.

For the love of God, let me keep the finger!

Agent Duncan?

Don't flick his ears.

Here's the list of nonessential personnel you requested.

Nonessential personnel?

For security reasons,

all extraneous staff must vacate the premises

five hours prior to the president's arrival.

I was afraid this was gonna happen.

Just because you're on this list

doesn't mean you're not important

in your own little way.

You're on here.

What?!

I've been geek-listed?!

If it makes you feel any better,

you're on the v.I.P. Geek list.

Oh-ho! Losers.

I'm sorry, Mike,

but Caitlin can't come to meet the president.

Sir, I-I promised her.

You should have seen her.

She was as excited

as a fan in the front row of a backstreet boys concert.

I took my niece.

The secret service said that I could only bring one person

to my meeting with the president, and look at me!

I'm a wreck, Mike.

You're the only one that can calm me down.

I just don't get it, sir. You've met a president before.

It was bush! That doesn't count!

Here we go.

Ohh. His endorsement is critical.

What if I say the wrong thing?

What if I slap him?

W... why... why...

why would you slap... The president?

I don't know.

You tell yourself, "don't slap the president,

don't slap the president."

The next thing you know,

you're backhanding him like a mouthy caddie.

Uh, Caitlin...

Listen, um...

Apparently, there's been a little change of plans,

and you won't be going with the mayor tonight...

When he meets the president.

Sorry.

I can't believe it.

So the mayor's gonna meet with him alone?

Well, there is one person.

Who?

[YAWNING] Me.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just figured

it might... Soften the blow a little bit...

If I yawned when I said that.

You jerk!

See? If you yawn when you say that...

Well, I didn't get to meet the president tonight,

but it's worth it, because I get to hang out in a bar

where all I have to do for a good time

is call the love machine at 555-0194.

Hey, that's our number.

I was drunk. I did it on a whim.

It's right here, too.

I wasn't having much response

with that one.

Caitlin, come on. Let's get us some drinks.

Hey, blondie, nice dress.

It would look better on my bedroom floor.

Oh, please.

Do you honestly believe any woman in her right mind

would fall for a pathetic line like that?

Get out of here!

Carter! He liked my dress.

You know, if I were straight,

I could clean up in this place.

You?

Oh, yeah.

Before I came out, I was quite the lady killer.

Eighth grade was very good to Carter Heywood.

I had a moped.

Well, things have changed.

Not for me.

I don't have any hang-ups talking to women,

'cause I don't want to sleep with 'em.

I can just be free to be me, to be sexy, to improv.

Nikki, Nikki, sweet, beautiful Nikki.

Gorgeous green eyes, smooth, smooth hair.

Eechh! What are you doing?

I'm improv-ing.

You want to get on the back of my moped, don't you?

Why don't you just admit

this is the one subject you are not an expert on?

I mean, I could do better with the women in here than you.

Well, if you're so sure of yourself,

what say we make it more interesting?

5 bucks?

You're on.

So the first person to pick up a woman

and have sex with her wins.

Carter, can't we just get her number?

That would make it less icky.

James, I have a project.

Some people trade baseball cards.

Other people collect matchbooks.

I have one real passion.

Paul, I've seen your collection of Denny's menus.

Two real passions.

In here are pictures of me with every living president

except for the current one.

That's where you come in.

You're still on the list of essential personnel, right?

Well, sure. Aren't you?

I took a pass.

James, I want you to be my official photographer.

Wow! Are you serious?!

As serious as a grand slam breakfast.

I'm honored, but why me?

You still have that camera that your grandmother left you?

Yeah.

Because you're the best!

Here, Caitlin, I bought you another drink.

These things don't taste like anything.

What's in 'em?

Mostly fruit juice and soda.

No, no!

Not near the open flame.

Stuart, you realize no matter how drunk you get me,

my bra is not gonna end up on that moose head.

I don't care.

What concerns me more

is what you having your bra on represents.

Support?

Constraint...

Restriction.

As if your whole being is being held in by elastic bands

and repressive synthetic fibers.

Actually, it's red lace.

Is it really?

Well, what I'm more concerned about are your panties,

which must be made of polyester or... What?

Drop it, Stuart.

You gotta relax for a change. You're too uptight.

You're out with some friends,

the president is not gonna show up.

Just cut loose.

You know what? You're right.

[SIGHS]

Now... You are gonna see how a real man handles women.

Huh.

Just one more sip of my daiquiri.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know, your hair looks like Audrey hepburn's

in "breakfast at Tiffany's."

Excuse me?

Carter Heywood.

Carol swain.

Carol... Like coffee caramel.

Sweet, soft, Christmas Carol.

What?

I have a moped.

I can really get the president with this.

Now, you say she's an automatic?

Rapid-fire, 36 shots, then you got to reload.

Perfect.

Now, remember, when you shoot the president,

you aim at his head and you just keep firing.

Don't jerk, just squeeze.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

What's going on here?

Nothing!

Are you essential personnel?

Could you remove your hand from your wrist?

Sugar.

Take care, Paul.

So, I've been noticing you.

And I've been noticing you noticing me noticing you.

Yeah.

What were you checking out exactly, my body?

'Cause I couldn't help but notice

that yours is pretty hard.

Our mothers play bridge together.

What?

I'm Janine stalfort from westport.

Nikki, we went to junior high together!

Oh, my God.

MAN: Oww!

My bad.

Okay, that one

was a little close to his neck.

Stuart, I am having so much fun!

Where'd you get the wallet?

Oh, I found it.

Where?

In that guy's jacket.

Okay, I'm cutting you off.

Oh, just like Mike.

What do you mean?

He cut me off... From the president.

I had the meeting all set up, and he just cut me off.

And now, he's making the bar spin.

I think you have the wrong idea about Mike.

No, Mike is bad.

He's b-b-bad.

Caitlin, the mayor made the switch.

Mike did everything he could to talk him out of it.

He did?

Ooh, he's so good.

Oh, oh, oh. Where is Mike?

I miss him.

You know... I'm gonna call him.

Oh! Oh!

Caitlin!

[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]

That's me.

Mike Flaherty.

Mike, it's Caitlin.

Now, listen to me.

I want to see you. I want to see you right now.

Uh, I'm kinda busy right now.

Mike, I-I need to see you.

You're good. I'm bad.

I'm very... Very bad.

All right, listen, uh...[CLEARS THROAT]

Just stay where you are and... and stay bad.

Stay very, very bad.

I gotta go.

But the president will be here in an hour!

[YAWNING] You're on your own.

Hi.

Where to?

Caitlin, where are you?

You're at a bar.

Okay. What bar?

She doesn't know the name of it,

but it's between a Starbucks and a gap.

Right.

All right, I'm on my way.

Uh-huh.

You're here.

Could you be a little more specific?

Oh, sure. It's right around the...

only one way to get that out.

Agent Duncan...

Why do you think they call it "house arrest"?

We're not in a house.

Would you really take a bullet for the president?

I can't answer any questions.

Why not? Is it a rule?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Can I get that?

Please.

Hello?

James, where are you?

How are things on the outside?

Pretty much the same as they were a half-hour ago.

How's my wife?

Good. I think she's still at the movie.

I brought you a snack cake,

but they wouldn't let me bring it in to you.

Smear it on the window.

Smear it on the window.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Paul?

Oh, that's the stuff. Oh, yeah.

Paul!

Listen, I'm really sorry

we're not gonna get that picture with the president.

The hell we're not.

The secret-service man said if we go near the president,

they could kill us!

Oh, oh, the secret-service man's gonna kill me.

Oh, I don't wanna die so young.

My whole family's gonna be devastated.

All right, all right! I'm in!

So, was she in there?

Yeah. Yeah.

I came back out

'cause, you know, I'd just rather be with you.

You know, if you want to know the truth, man,

I think it's pretty sleazy of you

to try to score with a drunk woman.

You don't get it.

See, the thing is,

I find her, and I tell her, "we can't do this,"

because she is in no condition,

and it just wouldn't be right.

And then, the next day,

she remembers how sensitive I was,

and boom! I'm in.

Isn't that just taking advantage of her

in a different way?

What's with all the leading questions?

What is this, like "taxicab confessions"?

Uh... No.

Oh, man.

I'll tell you, they say that passing a kidney stone

is the male equivalent of giving birth.

Well, that night, I had triplets!

[SNORING]

Agent Duncan?

[SNORING CONTINUES]

[SNAPS FINGERS] Agent Duncan?

Yeah!

A-and then...

The process of filling out the insurance forms...

oh, my gosh,

is that tedious

with the everything in triplicate.

[SNORING]

Well, here's my number.

Oh!

O-o-okay. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where do you think you're going?

Uh, listen, Carol, I got to come clean.

I'm gay.

Oh, please, I've heard that before.

Guys see the prison tattoo, and suddenly they're gay.

Prison tattoo?

He threw that brick at himself.

I've been waiting 45 minutes.

I don't think Mike's coming.

Yeah, it's getting pretty late.

Maybe we should put you in a cab.

Good idea.

You know what?

I am going back to city hall,

and I am giving him a piece of my mind.

Wow.

That mascara's really bringing out your forehead.

That's sweet.

You're good, Stuart.

You... Deserve... A... Reward.

You don't mean...

Not...

Aah.

Ohh.

Ooohhh!

[ALL CHEERING]

Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose!

Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose!

Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Big bird's left the nest.

Big bird's left the nest.

Paul, the president's here.

Hey! Hey!

I'll take care of this.

Come here!

Wha...

what are you doing?!

Just go with it.

Janelle.

Caitlin, have you been making out with a clown?

No.

Where's Mike?

He's out looking for you.

Oh, really? Mike is good.

Is he in there?

No, he's out looking for you.

I'm not wearing a bra.

Sir?

Are you okay?

No, I'm a wreck.

I'm about to meet the president.

I mean, slap the president.

Damn!

Oh. Oh, sir, calm down. You will be fine.

Just... just follow my lead.

Sir! The president of the United States.

I don't feel so good.

[VOMITS]

Damn.

[SLAP]

Da-a-a-mn!

Mom, for the last time, I am not gay.

I sleep with men. I sleep with lots of men.

I'm a slut, for God's sakes.

Okay.

Love you, too.

Carol, for the last time, I'm gay.

No, I don't want to meet your parents.

[SIGHS]

Okay, one dinner, but that's it.

I love you, too.

Caitlin, uh, I was driving around in this cab all night.

I missed you, and I missed the president,

and I missed, uh, Paul beating up James.

And, anyway, I'm just... I'm sorry.

Mike, what are you talking about?

You called me.

You were bad?

You were very, very bad?

Mike, granted last night was kind of a blur,

but I think you're reading

a lot more into a perfectly innocent phone call.

[BEE]

CAITLIN: Mike, you are so hot...

And I am so bad.

And my bra's on a moose.

[BEE]

MIKE: Note to self...

backstreet boys album signin, tower records,

bring sleeping bag.

[BEEP, BEEP, BEEP]

For my niece!

Stuart.

I want to thank you.

If you hadn't cut me off at the bar last night,

who knows how much more

I would've thrown up on the president.

Don't beat yourself up.

So you cut loose. Nobody got hurt.

You surprised me.

You were actually a real gentleman.

Well, don't let it get around,

but I could be a class act.

I really appreciate...

are you... Wearing my bra?

Until the day I die.

- [MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. - [UBU BARKS]