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1
00:00:01,567 --> 00:00:02,967
Okay.
2
00:00:03,001 --> 00:00:05,537
I know you guys have to do
a security sweep
3
00:00:05,571 --> 00:00:07,505
before the president
gets here,
4
00:00:07,539 --> 00:00:09,274
but I'm a law-abiding citizen,
5
00:00:09,308 --> 00:00:11,109
who is single, patriotic,
6
00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:14,346
and willing to move
to Washington.
7
00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:16,414
I can't believe the president
of the United States
8
00:00:16,448 --> 00:00:17,415
is coming here!
9
00:00:17,449 --> 00:00:18,517
I am so excited!
10
00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:19,684
Hey, hey, relax.
11
00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:22,019
It's not like
he's a backstreet boy.
12
00:00:22,054 --> 00:00:23,822
I am a campaign manager.
13
00:00:23,856 --> 00:00:25,791
To me,
he is a backstreet boy.
14
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:29,261
Okay, then he's...
he's Howie d.
15
00:00:30,830 --> 00:00:34,432
My niece... big fan.
16
00:00:34,466 --> 00:00:35,734
Mike, you don't have a niece.
17
00:00:35,768 --> 00:00:39,070
Let's just drop it, okay?
18
00:00:39,104 --> 00:00:41,006
By the way, you're welcome.
19
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,607
What for?
20
00:00:42,641 --> 00:00:44,008
How do you think
it came to pass
21
00:00:44,043 --> 00:00:46,378
that you'll be accompanying
the mayor to meet the president?
22
00:00:46,412 --> 00:00:49,648
He's coming to endorse
the mayor's campaign,
23
00:00:49,682 --> 00:00:50,882
which I'm running.
24
00:00:50,983 --> 00:00:53,385
Plus, I invited him
and made all the arrangements.
25
00:00:53,419 --> 00:00:55,553
Oh, the things
people tell themselves.
26
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:57,355
No, I graciously
stepped aside,
27
00:00:57,389 --> 00:01:00,192
'cause I knew how important
this was to you.
28
00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:02,427
Thank you, Mike.
That is very nice of you.
29
00:01:02,461 --> 00:01:04,329
That's the kind of guy I am.
30
00:01:04,363 --> 00:01:05,896
So, how many world leaders
31
00:01:05,931 --> 00:01:08,433
has your boyfriend
introduced you to?
32
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:11,403
Mike, you know
he's a commercial director.
33
00:01:11,437 --> 00:01:12,671
If you play your cards right,
34
00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:14,472
he might introduce you
to those guys
35
00:01:14,607 --> 00:01:17,008
who go, "whassup!"
36
00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:46,905
Stuart, you know he's been
standing like that all day?
37
00:01:46,939 --> 00:01:49,174
Of course he has.
He's not allowed to move.
38
00:01:49,208 --> 00:01:51,576
No matter what you do,
he'll just stand like a statue.
39
00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:53,278
Really?
40
00:01:53,312 --> 00:01:56,114
Watch this.
41
00:01:56,215 --> 00:02:00,719
Excuse me, do you mind
if I flick your ear?
42
00:02:00,753 --> 00:02:02,654
No? Okay.
43
00:02:02,688 --> 00:02:06,324
Flick.
44
00:02:06,358 --> 00:02:08,592
Flick, flick, flick.
45
00:02:08,627 --> 00:02:10,428
You want some more?
46
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,464
Flick, flick, fli...
aaah!
47
00:02:12,498 --> 00:02:15,466
Wait. I was thinking of
the guards at Buckingham Palace.
48
00:02:15,501 --> 00:02:16,834
These guys will kill you.
49
00:02:16,868 --> 00:02:19,171
For the love of God,
let me keep the finger!
50
00:02:19,205 --> 00:02:20,172
Agent Duncan?
51
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:21,706
Don't flick his ears.
52
00:02:21,740 --> 00:02:25,410
Here's the list of nonessential
personnel you requested.
53
00:02:25,444 --> 00:02:27,145
Nonessential personnel?
54
00:02:27,179 --> 00:02:28,346
For security reasons,
55
00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:30,882
all extraneous staff
must vacate the premises
56
00:02:30,916 --> 00:02:33,485
five hours prior
to the president's arrival.
57
00:02:33,519 --> 00:02:36,287
I was afraid
this was gonna happen.
58
00:02:36,321 --> 00:02:38,290
Just because
you're on this list
59
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,425
doesn't mean
you're not important
60
00:02:40,459 --> 00:02:41,959
in your own little way.
61
00:02:41,994 --> 00:02:44,228
You're on here.
62
00:02:44,262 --> 00:02:45,430
What?!
63
00:02:45,464 --> 00:02:48,132
I've been geek-listed?!
64
00:02:48,166 --> 00:02:50,335
If it makes you
feel any better,
65
00:02:50,369 --> 00:02:52,437
you're
on the v.I.P. Geek list.
66
00:02:52,471 --> 00:02:53,471
Oh-ho! Losers.
67
00:02:55,407 --> 00:02:56,474
I'm sorry, Mike,
68
00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,044
but Caitlin can't come
to meet the president.
69
00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:00,578
Sir, I-I promised her.
70
00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:01,879
You should have seen her.
71
00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:03,548
She was as excited
72
00:03:03,582 --> 00:03:06,685
as a fan in the front row
of a backstreet boys concert.
73
00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:10,621
I took my niece.
74
00:03:10,656 --> 00:03:13,391
The secret service said that
I could only bring one person
75
00:03:13,426 --> 00:03:15,626
to my meeting with
the president, and look at me!
76
00:03:15,660 --> 00:03:16,895
I'm a wreck, Mike.
77
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:18,730
You're the only one
that can calm me down.
78
00:03:18,764 --> 00:03:21,399
I just don't get it, sir.
You've met a president before.
79
00:03:21,433 --> 00:03:24,035
It was bush!
That doesn't count!
80
00:03:26,105 --> 00:03:27,271
Here we go.
81
00:03:27,305 --> 00:03:30,408
Ohh. His endorsement
is critical.
82
00:03:30,442 --> 00:03:33,478
What if
I say the wrong thing?
83
00:03:33,512 --> 00:03:35,446
What if I slap him?
84
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:40,218
W... why... why...
85
00:03:40,252 --> 00:03:44,689
why would you slap...
The president?
86
00:03:44,724 --> 00:03:46,091
I don't know.
87
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:48,627
You tell yourself,
"don't slap the president,
88
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:50,161
don't slap the president."
89
00:03:50,195 --> 00:03:51,562
The next thing you know,
90
00:03:51,597 --> 00:03:53,965
you're backhanding him
like a mouthy caddie.
91
00:03:55,634 --> 00:03:56,901
Uh, Caitlin...
92
00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:58,703
Listen, um...
93
00:03:58,737 --> 00:04:02,273
Apparently, there's been
a little change of plans,
94
00:04:02,307 --> 00:04:05,843
and you won't be going
with the mayor tonight...
95
00:04:05,878 --> 00:04:07,779
When he meets the president.
96
00:04:07,813 --> 00:04:09,614
Sorry.
97
00:04:09,648 --> 00:04:10,815
I can't believe it.
98
00:04:10,849 --> 00:04:13,217
So the mayor's
gonna meet with him alone?
99
00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:16,621
Well, there is one person.
100
00:04:16,655 --> 00:04:17,421
Who?
101
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:20,758
[YAWNING] Me.
102
00:04:23,128 --> 00:04:24,496
What are you doing?
103
00:04:24,530 --> 00:04:26,031
Oh, I just figured
104
00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:29,667
it might... Soften the blow
a little bit...
105
00:04:29,701 --> 00:04:31,970
If I yawned when I said that.
106
00:04:32,004 --> 00:04:33,505
You jerk!
107
00:04:33,539 --> 00:04:37,642
See? If you yawn
when you say that...
108
00:04:43,215 --> 00:04:45,283
Well, I didn't get
to meet the president tonight,
109
00:04:45,317 --> 00:04:47,552
but it's worth it, because
I get to hang out in a bar
110
00:04:47,586 --> 00:04:50,488
where all I have to do
for a good time
111
00:04:50,522 --> 00:04:53,457
is call the love machine
at 555-0194.
112
00:04:53,492 --> 00:04:55,260
Hey, that's our number.
113
00:04:55,294 --> 00:04:57,896
I was drunk.
I did it on a whim.
114
00:04:57,930 --> 00:04:59,563
It's right here, too.
115
00:04:59,598 --> 00:05:02,033
I wasn't having
much response
116
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:03,501
with that one.
117
00:05:03,535 --> 00:05:06,805
Caitlin, come on.
Let's get us some drinks.
118
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,873
Hey, blondie, nice dress.
119
00:05:08,907 --> 00:05:12,409
It would look better
on my bedroom floor.
120
00:05:12,444 --> 00:05:13,811
Oh, please.
121
00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:16,313
Do you honestly believe
any woman in her right mind
122
00:05:16,348 --> 00:05:18,449
would fall for a pathetic line
like that?
123
00:05:18,483 --> 00:05:19,650
Get out of here!
124
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,856
Carter!
He liked my dress.
125
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:27,759
You know,
if I were straight,
126
00:05:27,793 --> 00:05:30,394
I could clean up
in this place.
127
00:05:30,429 --> 00:05:31,429
You?
128
00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:32,663
Oh, yeah.
129
00:05:32,698 --> 00:05:36,434
Before I came out,
I was quite the lady killer.
130
00:05:36,468 --> 00:05:40,071
Eighth grade was very good
to Carter Heywood.
131
00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:41,539
I had a moped.
132
00:05:41,574 --> 00:05:43,040
Well, things have changed.
133
00:05:43,074 --> 00:05:44,175
Not for me.
134
00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:46,678
I don't have any hang-ups
talking to women,
135
00:05:46,712 --> 00:05:49,280
'cause I don't want
to sleep with 'em.
136
00:05:49,314 --> 00:05:52,984
I can just be free to be me,
to be sexy, to improv.
137
00:05:53,018 --> 00:05:55,820
Nikki, Nikki,
sweet, beautiful Nikki.
138
00:05:55,854 --> 00:05:58,990
Gorgeous green eyes,
smooth, smooth hair.
139
00:05:59,024 --> 00:06:00,791
Eechh! What are you doing?
140
00:06:00,826 --> 00:06:02,226
I'm improv-ing.
141
00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:06,531
You want to get on the back
of my moped, don't you?
142
00:06:06,565 --> 00:06:07,965
Why don't you just admit
143
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,902
this is the one subject
you are not an expert on?
144
00:06:10,936 --> 00:06:14,238
I mean, I could do better
with the women in here than you.
145
00:06:14,273 --> 00:06:16,207
Well, if you're so sure
of yourself,
146
00:06:16,241 --> 00:06:17,942
what say
we make it more interesting?
147
00:06:17,976 --> 00:06:18,943
5 bucks?
148
00:06:18,977 --> 00:06:20,311
You're on.
149
00:06:20,345 --> 00:06:22,680
So the first person
to pick up a woman
150
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:24,382
and have sex with her wins.
151
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,484
Carter, can't we just
get her number?
152
00:06:26,518 --> 00:06:27,685
That would make it
less icky.
153
00:06:34,192 --> 00:06:36,393
James, I have a project.
154
00:06:36,428 --> 00:06:39,564
Some people
trade baseball cards.
155
00:06:39,598 --> 00:06:42,633
Other people
collect matchbooks.
156
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:45,002
I have one real passion.
157
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:48,205
Paul, I've seen your collection
of Denny's menus.
158
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,474
Two real passions.
159
00:06:50,508 --> 00:06:54,345
In here are pictures of me
with every living president
160
00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,114
except for the current one.
161
00:06:56,148 --> 00:06:57,815
That's where you come in.
162
00:06:57,849 --> 00:07:00,852
You're still on the list
of essential personnel, right?
163
00:07:00,886 --> 00:07:02,386
Well, sure.
Aren't you?
164
00:07:02,420 --> 00:07:03,988
I took a pass.
165
00:07:04,022 --> 00:07:08,993
James, I want you
to be my official photographer.
166
00:07:09,027 --> 00:07:11,295
Wow! Are you serious?!
167
00:07:11,329 --> 00:07:14,331
As serious
as a grand slam breakfast.
168
00:07:14,366 --> 00:07:16,400
I'm honored, but why me?
169
00:07:16,434 --> 00:07:18,503
You still have that camera
that your grandmother left you?
170
00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:19,904
Yeah.
171
00:07:19,938 --> 00:07:22,873
Because you're the best!
172
00:07:24,509 --> 00:07:28,646
Here, Caitlin,
I bought you another drink.
173
00:07:28,681 --> 00:07:31,448
These things
don't taste like anything.
174
00:07:31,483 --> 00:07:32,549
What's in 'em?
175
00:07:32,584 --> 00:07:34,551
Mostly fruit juice and soda.
176
00:07:34,586 --> 00:07:35,653
No, no!
177
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:38,422
Not near the open flame.
178
00:07:38,457 --> 00:07:41,191
Stuart, you realize
no matter how drunk you get me,
179
00:07:41,226 --> 00:07:43,827
my bra is not gonna end up
on that moose head.
180
00:07:43,862 --> 00:07:44,996
I don't care.
181
00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:46,630
What concerns me more
182
00:07:46,665 --> 00:07:49,833
is what you having your bra on
represents.
183
00:07:49,868 --> 00:07:52,302
Support?
184
00:07:52,337 --> 00:07:54,204
Constraint...
185
00:07:54,239 --> 00:07:55,773
Restriction.
186
00:07:55,807 --> 00:08:00,111
As if your whole being is
being held in by elastic bands
187
00:08:00,145 --> 00:08:02,846
and repressive
synthetic fibers.
188
00:08:02,881 --> 00:08:04,782
Actually, it's red lace.
189
00:08:04,816 --> 00:08:05,950
Is it really?
190
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:12,023
Well, what I'm more concerned
about are your panties,
191
00:08:12,057 --> 00:08:15,560
which must be made
of polyester or... What?
192
00:08:15,594 --> 00:08:17,128
Drop it, Stuart.
193
00:08:17,162 --> 00:08:19,797
You gotta relax for a change.
You're too uptight.
194
00:08:19,831 --> 00:08:21,332
You're out with some friends,
195
00:08:21,366 --> 00:08:23,100
the president
is not gonna show up.
196
00:08:23,134 --> 00:08:24,368
Just cut loose.
197
00:08:24,403 --> 00:08:27,305
You know what?
You're right.
198
00:08:27,339 --> 00:08:28,406
[SIGHS]
199
00:08:35,747 --> 00:08:40,418
Now... You are gonna see
how a real man handles women.
200
00:08:40,452 --> 00:08:42,653
Huh.
201
00:08:42,687 --> 00:08:46,023
Just one more sip
of my daiquiri.
202
00:08:46,057 --> 00:08:48,592
[CLEARS THROAT]
203
00:08:48,627 --> 00:08:51,962
You know, your hair
looks like Audrey hepburn's
204
00:08:51,997 --> 00:08:54,098
in "breakfast at Tiffany's."
205
00:08:54,132 --> 00:08:55,265
Excuse me?
206
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,034
Carter Heywood.
207
00:08:57,068 --> 00:08:58,469
Carol swain.
208
00:08:58,503 --> 00:09:01,539
Carol... Like coffee caramel.
209
00:09:01,573 --> 00:09:05,543
Sweet, soft, Christmas Carol.
210
00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:06,877
What?
211
00:09:06,911 --> 00:09:09,347
I have a moped.
212
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:17,288
I can really get the president
with this.
213
00:09:17,322 --> 00:09:19,256
Now, you say
she's an automatic?
214
00:09:19,290 --> 00:09:21,826
Rapid-fire, 36 shots,
then you got to reload.
215
00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:23,060
Perfect.
216
00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:26,430
Now, remember,
when you shoot the president,
217
00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:29,133
you aim at his head
and you just keep firing.
218
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:30,635
Don't jerk, just squeeze.
219
00:09:30,669 --> 00:09:31,702
Bang! Bang! Bang!
220
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,137
What's going on here?
221
00:09:33,171 --> 00:09:34,171
Nothing!
222
00:09:34,205 --> 00:09:36,173
Are you essential personnel?
223
00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:41,645
Could you remove your hand
from your wrist?
224
00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:45,316
Sugar.
225
00:09:49,654 --> 00:09:51,388
Take care, Paul.
226
00:09:53,224 --> 00:09:56,527
So, I've been noticing you.
227
00:09:56,562 --> 00:10:00,297
And I've been noticing you
noticing me noticing you.
228
00:10:00,331 --> 00:10:01,598
Yeah.
229
00:10:01,633 --> 00:10:04,802
What were you checking out
exactly, my body?
230
00:10:04,903 --> 00:10:07,338
'Cause I couldn't help
but notice
231
00:10:07,372 --> 00:10:09,307
that yours is pretty hard.
232
00:10:09,341 --> 00:10:12,543
Our mothers
play bridge together.
233
00:10:12,577 --> 00:10:14,312
What?
234
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,548
I'm Janine stalfort
from westport.
235
00:10:17,582 --> 00:10:21,218
Nikki, we went
to junior high together!
236
00:10:21,252 --> 00:10:22,920
Oh, my God.
237
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:24,788
MAN: Oww!
238
00:10:26,825 --> 00:10:27,791
My bad.
239
00:10:27,826 --> 00:10:29,393
Okay, that one
240
00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:32,763
was a little close
to his neck.
241
00:10:32,797 --> 00:10:36,300
Stuart, I am having
so much fun!
242
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:38,369
Where'd you get the wallet?
243
00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:39,703
Oh, I found it.
244
00:10:39,738 --> 00:10:40,771
Where?
245
00:10:40,805 --> 00:10:42,673
In that guy's jacket.
246
00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:44,809
Okay, I'm cutting you off.
247
00:10:47,045 --> 00:10:49,146
Oh, just like Mike.
248
00:10:49,180 --> 00:10:50,381
What do you mean?
249
00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:53,183
He cut me off...
From the president.
250
00:10:53,217 --> 00:10:57,154
I had the meeting all set up,
and he just cut me off.
251
00:10:57,188 --> 00:11:00,057
And now,
he's making the bar spin.
252
00:11:00,091 --> 00:11:02,259
I think you have the wrong idea
about Mike.
253
00:11:02,293 --> 00:11:04,495
No, Mike is bad.
254
00:11:04,529 --> 00:11:06,497
He's b-b-bad.
255
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,266
Caitlin,
the mayor made the switch.
256
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:11,335
Mike did everything he could
to talk him out of it.
257
00:11:11,370 --> 00:11:12,636
He did?
258
00:11:12,671 --> 00:11:15,907
Ooh, he's so good.
259
00:11:15,941 --> 00:11:18,309
Oh, oh, oh.
Where is Mike?
260
00:11:18,343 --> 00:11:19,410
I miss him.
261
00:11:19,444 --> 00:11:22,480
You know...
I'm gonna call him.
262
00:11:30,321 --> 00:11:32,189
Oh! Oh!
263
00:11:32,223 --> 00:11:33,458
Caitlin!
264
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,560
[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]
265
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:36,727
That's me.
266
00:11:36,761 --> 00:11:38,628
Mike Flaherty.
267
00:11:38,663 --> 00:11:40,264
Mike, it's Caitlin.
268
00:11:40,298 --> 00:11:41,832
Now, listen to me.
269
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:45,736
I want to see you.
I want to see you right now.
270
00:11:45,770 --> 00:11:50,674
Uh, I'm kinda busy right now.
271
00:11:50,708 --> 00:11:53,543
Mike, I-I need to see you.
272
00:11:53,578 --> 00:11:56,247
You're good.
I'm bad.
273
00:11:56,281 --> 00:12:01,218
I'm very... Very bad.
274
00:12:05,423 --> 00:12:07,290
All right, listen,
uh...[CLEARS THROAT]
275
00:12:07,325 --> 00:12:10,761
Just stay where you are
and... and stay bad.
276
00:12:10,795 --> 00:12:12,429
Stay very, very bad.
277
00:12:12,463 --> 00:12:13,864
I gotta go.
278
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,601
But the president will be here
in an hour!
279
00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:20,605
[YAWNING]
You're on your own.
280
00:12:32,283 --> 00:12:33,250
Hi.
281
00:12:33,284 --> 00:12:34,318
Where to?
282
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:36,487
Caitlin, where are you?
283
00:12:36,521 --> 00:12:38,222
You're at a bar.
284
00:12:38,256 --> 00:12:39,690
Okay. What bar?
285
00:12:39,724 --> 00:12:41,759
She doesn't know
the name of it,
286
00:12:41,793 --> 00:12:44,295
but it's between
a Starbucks and a gap.
287
00:12:44,329 --> 00:12:45,629
Right.
288
00:12:45,663 --> 00:12:47,798
All right, I'm on my way.
289
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:50,935
Uh-huh.
290
00:12:50,969 --> 00:12:53,570
You're here.
291
00:12:53,605 --> 00:12:57,742
Could you be
a little more specific?
292
00:12:57,776 --> 00:12:59,610
Oh, sure.
It's right around the...
293
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:05,249
only one way
to get that out.
294
00:13:09,254 --> 00:13:10,654
Agent Duncan...
295
00:13:10,689 --> 00:13:12,756
Why do you think
they call it "house arrest"?
296
00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:14,091
We're not in a house.
297
00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:16,160
Would you really take a bullet
for the president?
298
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:18,496
I can't answer
any questions.
299
00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:20,297
Why not?
Is it a rule?
300
00:13:20,331 --> 00:13:21,298
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
301
00:13:21,332 --> 00:13:22,800
Can I get that?
302
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:25,203
Please.
303
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:28,438
Hello?
304
00:13:28,473 --> 00:13:30,908
James, where are you?
305
00:13:36,514 --> 00:13:38,849
How are things
on the outside?
306
00:13:38,883 --> 00:13:41,418
Pretty much the same
as they were a half-hour ago.
307
00:13:41,452 --> 00:13:42,653
How's my wife?
308
00:13:42,688 --> 00:13:44,622
Good. I think
she's still at the movie.
309
00:13:44,656 --> 00:13:45,956
I brought you a snack cake,
310
00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:48,225
but they wouldn't let me
bring it in to you.
311
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:51,061
Smear it on the window.
312
00:13:51,863 --> 00:13:53,263
Smear it on the window.
313
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:00,871
Oh, yeah.
314
00:14:00,906 --> 00:14:02,539
Oh, yeah.
315
00:14:02,574 --> 00:14:03,807
Paul?
316
00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:07,511
Oh, that's the stuff.
Oh, yeah.
317
00:14:07,545 --> 00:14:08,912
Paul!
318
00:14:11,249 --> 00:14:12,483
Listen, I'm really sorry
319
00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:14,952
we're not gonna get that picture
with the president.
320
00:14:14,986 --> 00:14:16,554
The hell we're not.
321
00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:18,889
The secret-service man said
if we go near the president,
322
00:14:18,923 --> 00:14:19,890
they could kill us!
323
00:14:19,924 --> 00:14:22,492
Oh, oh, the secret-service man's
gonna kill me.
324
00:14:22,527 --> 00:14:24,327
Oh, I don't wanna die
so young.
325
00:14:24,362 --> 00:14:26,697
My whole family's
gonna be devastated.
326
00:14:26,731 --> 00:14:28,431
All right, all right!
I'm in!
327
00:14:30,034 --> 00:14:33,370
So, was she in there?
328
00:14:33,405 --> 00:14:34,471
Yeah. Yeah.
329
00:14:34,506 --> 00:14:35,839
I came back out
330
00:14:35,873 --> 00:14:39,677
'cause, you know,
I'd just rather be with you.
331
00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:42,179
You know, if you want
to know the truth, man,
332
00:14:42,213 --> 00:14:44,114
I think
it's pretty sleazy of you
333
00:14:44,148 --> 00:14:46,216
to try to score
with a drunk woman.
334
00:14:46,251 --> 00:14:48,919
You don't get it.
335
00:14:48,953 --> 00:14:50,187
See, the thing is,
336
00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:53,257
I find her, and I tell her,
"we can't do this,"
337
00:14:53,291 --> 00:14:55,426
because she is
in no condition,
338
00:14:55,460 --> 00:14:57,694
and it just wouldn't
be right.
339
00:14:57,728 --> 00:14:59,796
And then, the next day,
340
00:14:59,830 --> 00:15:02,999
she remembers
how sensitive I was,
341
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:04,702
and boom! I'm in.
342
00:15:04,736 --> 00:15:07,070
Isn't that
just taking advantage of her
343
00:15:07,105 --> 00:15:08,305
in a different way?
344
00:15:08,340 --> 00:15:10,474
What's with
all the leading questions?
345
00:15:10,508 --> 00:15:12,843
What is this,
like "taxicab confessions"?
346
00:15:12,877 --> 00:15:15,712
Uh... No.
347
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:21,085
Oh, man.
348
00:15:21,119 --> 00:15:24,188
I'll tell you, they say
that passing a kidney stone
349
00:15:24,222 --> 00:15:26,657
is the male equivalent
of giving birth.
350
00:15:26,691 --> 00:15:28,993
Well, that night,
I had triplets!
351
00:15:29,027 --> 00:15:32,462
[SNORING]
352
00:15:32,497 --> 00:15:33,864
Agent Duncan?
353
00:15:33,898 --> 00:15:36,066
[SNORING CONTINUES]
354
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:37,901
[SNAPS FINGERS]
Agent Duncan?
355
00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:39,003
Yeah!
356
00:15:39,037 --> 00:15:41,072
A-and then...
357
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,041
The process of filling out
the insurance forms...
358
00:15:44,075 --> 00:15:44,942
oh, my gosh,
359
00:15:44,976 --> 00:15:46,577
is that tedious
360
00:15:46,611 --> 00:15:50,013
with the everything
in triplicate.
361
00:15:50,047 --> 00:15:53,484
[SNORING]
362
00:15:57,488 --> 00:16:00,257
Well, here's my number.
363
00:16:00,291 --> 00:16:01,125
Oh!
364
00:16:01,159 --> 00:16:03,694
O-o-okay.
Thank you.
365
00:16:03,728 --> 00:16:05,596
Thank you so much.
366
00:16:05,630 --> 00:16:06,596
Wait, wait, wait.
367
00:16:06,631 --> 00:16:08,632
Where do you think
you're going?
368
00:16:08,666 --> 00:16:13,003
Uh, listen, Carol,
I got to come clean.
369
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,271
I'm gay.
370
00:16:14,305 --> 00:16:16,673
Oh, please,
I've heard that before.
371
00:16:16,707 --> 00:16:20,210
Guys see the prison tattoo,
and suddenly they're gay.
372
00:16:20,245 --> 00:16:22,380
Prison tattoo?
373
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:25,549
He threw that brick
at himself.
374
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:27,852
I've been waiting
45 minutes.
375
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:29,854
I don't think Mike's coming.
376
00:16:29,888 --> 00:16:32,389
Yeah, it's getting
pretty late.
377
00:16:34,426 --> 00:16:37,661
Maybe we should put you
in a cab.
378
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:38,695
Good idea.
379
00:16:38,730 --> 00:16:39,697
You know what?
380
00:16:39,731 --> 00:16:41,732
I am going back to city hall,
381
00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:44,701
and I am giving him
a piece of my mind.
382
00:16:44,736 --> 00:16:46,137
Wow.
383
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:48,772
That mascara's really
bringing out your forehead.
384
00:16:48,806 --> 00:16:50,274
That's sweet.
385
00:16:50,308 --> 00:16:51,408
You're good, Stuart.
386
00:16:51,442 --> 00:16:55,812
You... Deserve...
A... Reward.
387
00:16:55,847 --> 00:16:57,281
You don't mean...
388
00:16:57,315 --> 00:16:58,815
Not...
389
00:16:58,850 --> 00:17:01,985
Aah.
390
00:17:02,019 --> 00:17:04,955
Ohh.
391
00:17:04,989 --> 00:17:07,458
Ooohhh!
392
00:17:07,492 --> 00:17:11,328
[ALL CHEERING]
393
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,831
Moose! Moose!
Moose! Moose!
394
00:17:13,865 --> 00:17:15,699
Moose! Moose!
Moose! Moose!
395
00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:18,235
Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose!
Moose! Moose!
396
00:17:18,269 --> 00:17:19,637
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
397
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:28,412
Big bird's left the nest.
398
00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:31,982
Big bird's left the nest.
399
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:34,885
Paul, the president's here.
400
00:17:40,391 --> 00:17:41,358
Hey! Hey!
401
00:17:41,392 --> 00:17:42,693
I'll take care of this.
402
00:17:42,727 --> 00:17:43,794
Come here!
403
00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:44,795
Wha...
404
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:46,430
what are you doing?!
405
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:47,531
Just go with it.
406
00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:53,804
Janelle.
407
00:17:53,838 --> 00:17:57,675
Caitlin, have you been
making out with a clown?
408
00:17:57,709 --> 00:17:59,009
No.
409
00:17:59,043 --> 00:18:02,012
Where's Mike?
410
00:18:02,046 --> 00:18:03,614
He's out looking for you.
411
00:18:03,648 --> 00:18:06,283
Oh, really?
Mike is good.
412
00:18:06,317 --> 00:18:07,851
Is he in there?
413
00:18:07,885 --> 00:18:12,355
No, he's out looking for you.
414
00:18:12,390 --> 00:18:15,458
I'm not wearing a bra.
415
00:18:21,399 --> 00:18:24,001
Sir?
416
00:18:25,303 --> 00:18:26,369
Are you okay?
417
00:18:26,404 --> 00:18:27,404
No, I'm a wreck.
418
00:18:27,438 --> 00:18:29,306
I'm about
to meet the president.
419
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:30,941
I mean, slap the president.
420
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:33,177
Damn!
421
00:18:33,211 --> 00:18:35,946
Oh. Oh, sir, calm down.
You will be fine.
422
00:18:35,980 --> 00:18:37,881
Just... just follow my lead.
423
00:18:37,915 --> 00:18:40,750
Sir! The president
of the United States.
424
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:49,393
I don't feel so good.
425
00:18:49,427 --> 00:18:51,395
[VOMITS]
426
00:18:51,429 --> 00:18:54,598
Damn.
427
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,967
[SLAP]
428
00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:59,637
Da-a-a-mn!
429
00:19:05,343 --> 00:19:09,213
Mom, for the last time,
I am not gay.
430
00:19:09,247 --> 00:19:13,583
I sleep with men.
I sleep with lots of men.
431
00:19:13,617 --> 00:19:16,320
I'm a slut, for God's sakes.
432
00:19:16,354 --> 00:19:19,689
Okay.
433
00:19:19,724 --> 00:19:22,760
Love you, too.
434
00:19:22,794 --> 00:19:25,662
Carol, for the last time,
I'm gay.
435
00:19:25,696 --> 00:19:28,799
No, I don't want
to meet your parents.
436
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:29,800
[SIGHS]
437
00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:32,803
Okay, one dinner,
but that's it.
438
00:19:34,505 --> 00:19:36,340
I love you, too.
439
00:19:38,442 --> 00:19:43,280
Caitlin, uh, I was driving
around in this cab all night.
440
00:19:43,314 --> 00:19:46,784
I missed you,
and I missed the president,
441
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:49,987
and I missed,
uh, Paul beating up James.
442
00:19:50,021 --> 00:19:53,023
And, anyway, I'm just...
I'm sorry.
443
00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,458
Mike, what are you
talking about?
444
00:19:55,493 --> 00:19:58,728
You called me.
445
00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:01,565
You were bad?
446
00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:06,203
You were very, very bad?
447
00:20:06,237 --> 00:20:08,972
Mike, granted last night
was kind of a blur,
448
00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:10,607
but I think you're reading
449
00:20:10,641 --> 00:20:13,711
a lot more into a perfectly
innocent phone call.
450
00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:14,878
[BEE]
451
00:20:14,912 --> 00:20:18,515
CAITLIN:
Mike, you are so hot...
452
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,784
And I am so bad.
453
00:20:20,818 --> 00:20:24,454
And my bra's on a moose.
454
00:20:24,488 --> 00:20:26,090
[BEE]
455
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:27,524
MIKE: Note to self...
456
00:20:27,558 --> 00:20:30,494
backstreet boys album signin,tower records,
457
00:20:30,528 --> 00:20:31,795
bring sleeping bag.
458
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:34,598
[BEEP, BEEP, BEEP]
459
00:20:34,632 --> 00:20:36,567
For my niece!
460
00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:44,775
Stuart.
461
00:20:44,809 --> 00:20:46,109
I want to thank you.
462
00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:48,912
If you hadn't cut me off
at the bar last night,
463
00:20:48,946 --> 00:20:50,346
who knows how much more
464
00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:52,750
I would've thrown up
on the president.
465
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:54,050
Don't beat yourself up.
466
00:20:54,084 --> 00:20:55,952
So you cut loose.
Nobody got hurt.
467
00:20:55,986 --> 00:20:57,254
You surprised me.
468
00:20:57,288 --> 00:20:59,490
You were actually
a real gentleman.
469
00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:01,991
Well, don't let it
get around,
470
00:21:02,026 --> 00:21:03,793
but I could be a class act.
471
00:21:03,828 --> 00:21:05,862
I really appreciate...
472
00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:12,135
are you...
Wearing my bra?
473
00:21:12,170 --> 00:21:15,639
Until the day I die.
474
00:21:17,508 --> 00:21:20,143
- [MAN] Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
- [UBU BARKS]31796
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