Original subtitles

MAN: My son? MAN #2: Yes?

I know I may not have always been the greatest father,

but I always loved you.

Then why did you leave?

[SNIFFLES]

One day, you'll understand.

It's dusty in here.

[VOICE BREAKING] My allergies are killin' me.

MAN #1: ...But you learned that life is very complicated.

Which one is the father?

I think it's the tall one.

They're talking again, Mike.

Shh.

Remember, sir, we're just here

to show our support for Broadway.

[CRINKLING]

I can't get the candy open!

What?

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Shh!

Just tune them out.

I'm gonna open this if it's the last thing I do!

[GRUNTS]

What the...

there, was that so hard?

Now, the father's the one that's dying,

the one that he keeps calling his son is his son!!

So, why don't you just sit there and be quiet, you...

Geezers!!

Wait... I know you!

Aren't you...

that's right, ma'am. It's TV's dick van dyke.

Carry on.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Where is Caitlin?

Was she out with her ex-husband again?

This is really startin' to affect her work.

You're right. She is nearly nine seconds late.

This is not about Caitlin specifically.

It's just we're a team here,

and if we're gonna win,

we got to be here every day, on time, ready to work.

Oh! Huge traffic jam! I'm sorry I'm late.

Didn't notice, don't care.

Okay, next item... city-hall tours.

Some visitors have been complaining...

finally! I've been saying for months

that those tour guides are inept and misinformed.

...complaining about a crazy black man...

...following them, berating the tour guides.

And lastly, the mayor's little blowup at the theater.

It seems he's outraged local senior citizens' groups.

They're planning a march on Broadway

from 18th street to 19th street.

You gave them one block?

It's all they asked for.

Well, that and 300 porta-potties.

This is bad. Those old people know how to rally.

They kept "murder, she wrote" on the air for nine years.

I've come up with a plan to make amends.

I did a little research.

The first woman to vote in New York is still alive.

She's 107. She was born in 1892.

The mayor's gonna honor her tomorrow at a ceremony

on live television.

My great-aunt alberta was born in 1881.

Wow. That makes her...119. What's she doing now?

She's dead.

Thanks for bringing me down, Nikki.

Okay, class dismissed.

Oh, morning, Mike. Sorry I missed the meeting.

I was having breakfast with my mom.

Love, you forgot your briefcase.

See you tonight.

[SMOOCHING]

Did you know your mom was an annoying British guy?

Mike, I know this must bother you.

Bother me?! W-wh would it bother me?

Well, you know.

You and I have been kind of flirting...

Hey, missy, listen... I flirt with a lot of people.

Hey, janelle!

How 'bout some fries with that shake, huh?

What did you say?

I said... Uh...

Can I have some fries and a shake?

A-and a burger.

F-for lunch, if you're goin' out.

And if you're not, y-you just keep that $50.

Hey.

Hey.

James... Who was that?

Oh, I don't know his name.

You just said "hey" to him.

Yeah, that's been going on for a few weeks now.

Pass each other in the hall, he says, "hey," I say, "hey."

Sometimes we tilt our heads, give a little eyebrow raise.

Wow.

Sounds fun.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

You should get yourself a "hey" guy.

Please! I barely have enough time for Claudia!

That's it.

If anybody needs me, I will be out of the office

for the rest of the day.

Out of the office?

Sounds like my kind of project!

An apartment building on 79th street

is discriminating against gay couples.

What can I do to help?

You can help me bust them

by posing as my gay live-in lover.

Gay live-in lover...

Work.

Let's get 'em, girlfriend!

Caitlin! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where you going?

We were heading out to lunch.

No, no, no! You can't. Not now.

I got a huge crisis in there. I need you.

I'll wait for you.

No, no, Trevor, listen...

this is big. This is big and huge.

This could take days, weeks, maybe months.

You should go back to your own country for a while.

I'll call you.

This better be important!

Oh, it is.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'd like you to meet miss Spencer.

She's New York's oldest living voter.

And this was the emergency?

She's gonna cast a symbolic vote

for mayor Winston tomorrow in a live televised ceremony.

Oh, I can't vote for the mayor.

Why not?

You don't have one senior citizen working here

at city hall.

So, why don't you give her a job?

Oh, that's good.

No more lunches with Trevor for you.

I need you too much.

Just so we're clear,

the two of us will be living here together

with all that that implies.

Of course.

It's a great space, one of our larger two-bedrooms.

Two bedrooms! Of course, we're only gonna be using one...

With all that that implies.

Yeah. I'm picking that up.

Well, everything seems in order.

There is just one problem.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Here it comes.

There's only one key to the laundry room.

Aha!! Bigots!

Bigots... Hardware,

where I'm sure I can get this key copied.

[RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Are you gonna get that?

I don't trust those contraptions.

I'll tell you what...

why don't you go get me a cup of coffee?

Thank you. Janelle, can you cover my phones?

Not unless there's another $50 in it for me.

Just... just... right over there.

Hey.

Hey.

Whoa.

What the hell are you doing?

What?

Oh! I took your advice. I got myself a "hey" guy.

No, no. That's my "hey" guy.

You can't just steal a guy's "hey" guy.

Why not?

Because it's just not done.

You get yourself your own "hey" guy.

Look, don't blame me if you couldn't satisfy him.

The guy was looking for a "hey"...

I just gave it to him.

One last budget thing... expense reports.

Under additional office expenditures,

Paul listed his groceries,

his new bedroom furniture, and a bikini wax.

All right, well, no on the groceries,

no on the furniture, and, uh...

Give him the bikini wax, because, uh...

I don't want to have that conversation.

The pressroom is all set up for the live broadcast.

They're ready for you and miss Spencer.

Listen, I'm sorry I had to reschedule this

to coincide with your lunch with Trevor.

Yeah, thanks to you,

I've had to cancel tw lunches in a row.

I thought you were okay with this.

Oh, yeah, I am. Fine, fine, fine.

Date the Duke of dork.

One for me.

If you don't want to have a mature,

adult conversation about this, that's fine.

You know what? Hey, listen...

date him, marry him, move to england.

Just don't drink the water.

That's Mexico.

Whatever. 2-zip.

I am not gonna stoop to your level.

Oh, 'cause you can't!

Pbht!

Son of a... that's 2-1.

Come on, let's go.

Where's miss Spencer?

She's not with you?

No, I sent her for a cup of coffee,

like, 10 minutes ago.

Last time I saw her,

she was zipping through the hallways.

Zipping?

Asleep on a chair being dragged around

by a mail cart.

And you didn't do anything?!

Already got my mail.

All right. Well, let's not panic.

We find that cart, we find miss Spencer.

There goes that theory.

Okay, janelle, call security. Seal the building.

Paul, distribute miss Spencer's photo.

Shouldn't we call her parents?

I don't know, James.

I wouldn't want to get her grounded.

What's all the commotion?

Oh, uh, sir,

um, I don't know how to break this to you,

but, uh... We lost miss Spencer.

I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

It's okay, Mike.

We weren't that close.

N-no, sir,

we just don't know where she's gone.

She led a good life.

I'm sure it's heaven.

Me too, sir.

So, how do we find a 107-year-old woman?

I say we bait her out.

Yeah, Paul.

We set up an early-bird buffet and blast Lawrence Welk.

And I'll get some porno.

Old people love porno.

Maybe that's just my Nana.

All right, people, we go live in half an hour.

Our fugitive's been on the run for 15 minutes.

The average foot speed of a 107-year-old woman

is .003 Miles per hour.

I want a hard-artery search of every janitor closet,

supply closet, lunchroom, boardroom, pressroom.

Time is of the essence.

She's getting smaller every second.

That's everything.

Hey, where's rags?

You packed rags?!

Don't worry, I bubble-wrapped him.

Oh, there you are, puppy.

Look at this place!

It's great!

Yeah.

Picture windows, oak molding.

And the jets in the jacuzzi

are aimed right where you want 'em.

Can you believe they let us in? It was so easy.

Yeah... A little too easy.

What are you talking about?

They found out I work for the city.

They're renting us this just to shut us up.

We finally scored a great apartment.

Do you have to see a conspiracy in everything?

They got to you, didn't they?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Miss Spencer is nowhere in the building.

Ah, well...

We go live in 10 minutes.

Any chance getting you in a gray wig and...

actually, you know, the sweater works.

When we were dating,

you told me this sweater was sexy.

Yeah, when it was balled up on my bedroom floor.

So, I saw Trevor downstairs.

Are you still trying to break them up?

Yes, and I think I have something.

I went online.

It turns out, when Trevor went to Oxford,

he plagiarized an entire paragraph

from his commencement speech from Winston Churchill.

Is caitie around?

No, but can you come here?

Come on in.

Sure.

So, uh, mate...

...I know your secret.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, come on, come on,

don't play dumb with me.

Oxford, your speech.

What about my speech?

Well, let's just say it's a little...

oh, I don't know... how should we put it...

borrow.

[LAUGHS]

Michael, you're embarrassing yourself.

Caitie fancies me over you, so you're grasping at straws.

Fine, fine, fine.

Let's just see how caitie feels

when she finds out that your speech...

[AMERICAN ACCENT] Okay, so the accent's a phony!

You got me. I'm not English.

I was gonna say, "was plagiarized."

[BRITISH ACCENT] Oh, right, right.

The speech!

Bit of a sticky wicket, that was...

bloody embarrassing.

This is awesome!

[AMERICAN ACCENT] You won't tell caitie?

Hey, listen, Trevor, your secret is safe with...

[LAUGHS]

Damn it! I almost got that out!

Where's miss Spencer? We're down to the wire here.

Mike, guess who I found?

And she's alive.

Miss Spencer!

Oh, thank God you're okay.

Here's your coffee, Mr. flemings.

So I guess that "hey" guy won't be around anymore.

Yeah.

The sad thing is, uh...

[VOICE BREAKING] He was about the best friend I ever had.

Hey.

Hey?

Hey!

[SNIFFLES]

Hey!

Hey.

Hey!

No, it just doesn't work.

Welcome, everybody.

We are here today to reach out to senior-citizen voters

by honoring the first woman ever to have voted in New York City

as she casts a symbolic vote for Winston!

At age 107, here's miss saundra Spencer!

[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC STOP]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

[MUSIC STOP]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

New York City's oldest woman voter

casting her vote for senator Winston.

[BELL DINGS]

Did I mention she's 107?

Mike...

I wouldn't. Caitlin and Trevor are in there.

I wonder how she's taking it.

CAITLIN: You ass!

[GLASS BREAKS]

Better than I thought.

Caitie, chill!

CAITLIN: Chill?!

Ugh!

So, uh... Did you tell her yet?

And now Mike slides in to pick up the pieces.

And what a lot of pieces.

Can you believe him? We were married for three months,

and the whole time he was a fraud, a sham, a liar!

It's understandable that you're mad right now.

I just want you to know that if you need me,

I am here for you.

Ugh!

Actually, you know what? I'll be out here for you.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

I told you...

you leave the brie out, this is what happens.

This is all part of my sting operation.

That building manager

may be able to stomach one token gay couple,

but let's see him deal with this.

Mr. Heywood, may I have a word?

See? See?

Let me guess... you have a problem with this party.

No, I got you another key to the laundry room.

And I love doing laundry because I'm gay.

Oh, my God! Flames!

That's right, pal. I'm flaming. Nice.

No, fire!

Everybody out!

We're already out, pal, and proud of it!

Carter, the place is on fire! Come on!

No, no, no. That's exactly what he wants.

I'm staying right here.

[FIRE ALARM BEEPING]

Oh, I think I made my point!

This could be another 15 minutes

before it's ready to throw again.

I'm sorry about that.

I-I was kind of upset earlier.

But, uh, listen...

now that you've, uh, calmed down a little

and, uh, put Trevor behind you,

maybe we could go out and get some dinner.

I haven't put Trevor behind me.

Really?

Where'd you put him?

Look...

he came to me, and we had a long talk,

and he told me that he felt terrible

about hurting me,

and it was all based on insecurity.

And in a weird way, I actually feel closer to him.

All right... let me get this straight.

The guy fakes an accent... And you like him even more.

Yes.

[INDIAN ACCENT] Then there is something I must be telling you.

Hey, Stuart.

I just want to thank you for saving rags from the fire.

Saving him? I was just using him

to shield my face from the flames.

I'm glad no one got hurt.

It's amazing the fire department got there so quickly.

Yeah... A little too quickly.

Maybe they staged it to get us out.

Carter, think about it.

You started the fire.

Oh, they're good!

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)