Original subtitles

[SLOT MACHINE BEEPS]

Mike, wanna play?

No, thank you, sir.

I'm gonna catch Wayne Newton in the pressroom.

Caitlin...

Why is there a slot machine there?

Bally's casino sent it. I told them the mayor's considering

bringing gambling to New York.

No, he's not.

Polls show that gambling is popular with voters.

Gambling is a menace.

It poisons communities. It destroys families.

It turns normal people into addicts.

Where did you hear that?

My bookie.

You're overreacting.

Most people don't find gambling addictive.

[CHANGE RATTLES]

Yes, I'm back in business!

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

[WHISTLING]

Thanks.

[GAGGING]

What the hell is wrong with this stuff?!

Nothing. I brewed it myself. It's hazelnut mint cream.

Great. Now you've turned the coffee gay.

You can't turn coffee gay, Stuart.

It's born that way.

First item... polls show the mayor's weak on family issues,

so we got to present him as more of a family guy.

Why don't we get his daughter out here?

We can only get permission

from five of her seven psychiatrists.

[GROANING] Ummmmm.

You okay there, James?

It's just my tooth. I'll try to fight through the pain.

Okay, my plan is this...

unnhhhh.

Why don't you do something about that?

Last night I tied one end of a string to my tooth,

the other to a doorknob and slammed the door.

What happened?

Locked myself out of my apartment.

Anyway, to show the mayor's good with children,

today, on his weekly radio program,

the mayor's going to become big buddy

to a young, underprivileged new yorker.

Mike, I got to get this tooth pulled.

I got this Russian guy in queens

who will take it out for you.

He's cheap.

He's a periodontist and a podiatrist.

He's a "periodiatrist"?

Best foot/mouth man in the business.

He's good.

He shares an office with my ear, nose, and ass guy.

Everyone, I'm helping to raise money

for my niece's school trip.

For a $5 donation,

you can guess the number of jelly beans.

Whoever comes closest gets the whole jar.

2,672 jelly beans.

Oh, my God.

Good luck with the trip, sweetheart.

Hey, guys, I need you to put together a detailed report

on nongambling states who have opened casinos recently.

Concentrate on cost/revenue streams,

environmental impact, and socioeconomic fallout...

And have fun with it.

Caitlin, that sounds like senate business.

We are city employees...

you know, "city," as in "loaf around."

Well, how would you feel if I told the mayor you refused?

Fine.

I'd tell the mayor myself.

Tell me what?

We were just talking about the casino report.

We can't wait to do it.

Yeah, we're superexcited about it.

Hi. Are you James hobert?

Yeah.

Hi, my name's Muriel. I'm the new mailgirl.

Oh. How you doin'?

Good. How you doin'?

Good.

How you doin'?

Good.

Didn't I see you on karaoke night at the bubble lounge?

You sang "in the air tonight" by Phil Collins.

Yeah.

That song is so well-written.

Thank you. Sure.

She's cute.

Yeah. I'd love to go out on a date with her.

So, why don't you ask her out?

That's a good way in.

Uh, Muriel, would you sometime like to, uh...

If I'm around, you're around,

maybe we could both, uh... Go out?

I don't think so.

Oh.

How you doin'?

Okay, you're on in 3, 2...

Welcome, citizens. You're tuned in

to the "mayor Winston weekly radio show."

[DEEP VOICE] So, turn down the lights,

turn up the volume, and get with someone you love...

[NORMAL VOICE] ...Because we're gonna talk policy!

♪ It's the mayor's policy hou♪

♪ 60 minutes of policy ♪

♪ With the mayor for an hour ♪

[MUSIC STOP]

So, deputy mayor Mike, what's first on the agenda?

You're so dedicated to family issues,

I understand you've volunteered to become a big buddy.

So why don't we bring in your little buddy, Devin, now?

Hi.

Hello, young man.

Will you look at that big hug?

So, uh, Devin, you must have been excited

when you found out your big buddy was the mayor of New York.

I liked my other big buddy better...

But the mayor took him away.

Well, Devin, I assure you,

the may did not take your big buddy away.

My mom said the mayor stopped rent control,

so the big buddies couldn't afford their offices anymore.

Well, your mama's a liar.

D-Devin, what your mom may not understand

is that the mayor didn't do that.

No, Jim Miller, the head of the planning commission did that.

My mom said the mayor appointed him.

You know, t-that would be a good point,

had we not already established that your mom is a liar.

How was the doctor? Did he take out your tooth?

[GARBLED] That's not all he did.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God! James, what happened?

I went to Paul's periodiatrist.

He put me under to pull my tooth,

and when I woke up, I had these.

[TEARFULLY] I don't know what went wrong.

First of all, you went to Paul's periodiatrist.

He charged me $50 to put these on.

You know, that's pretty good...

You know, if you needed braces.

And that's not the worst part.

He wants $2,000 to take these off!

See, that's where he gets you.

Yevgheti is a heck of a businessman.

He's a fraud.

He is not!

I'm going back and demanding he take these off!

He won't be there! Why not?

He's painting my apartment!

[MUSIC PLAY]

[LASERFIRE]

We're clear.

[LASERFIRE CONTINUES]

Thanks for taking me here, you guys.

You're the best big buddy ever. I love lazer battle.

My pleasure. It's good, wholesome fun.

Hey, go kill something.

Got ya.

Sir, we got a serious issue to discuss.

I know... Timmy's birthday party

is taking control of our central energy reactor.

No, it's the big buddy program.

Thanks to Devin, it looks like we're trying to shut it down.

Cub scouts, 2:00!

[LASERFIRE]

Mike, if this is such a big deal,

why don't we just give more money to the big buddy program?

Can't sell out the budget. Nothing we can do.

It's that sort of negative thinking

that cost us our energy reactor.

Get down!

We're the last three left.

What happened to Arnie?

Cello practice.

Damn this war!

Mike, I don't care how you do it...

find money for the big buddy program.

Hey, I got an idea.

What about a raffle, like at school, huh?

Sir, how about a raffle?

That was my idea.

[LASERFIRE]

Welcome to the bigs, kid.

James, why don't you just get a different orthodontist

to remove them?

I tried.

Paul's dentist used such an elaborate weave,

no one can take the braces off without unhinging my jaw.

Hi, James.

I really do want to go out with you tomorrow night.

I just didn't want to say anything

in front of your friends...

you know, because they might think I'm a whore.

Okay, see you tomorrow night.

Muriel wants to go out with me, but I can't,

not looking like this.

What are you talking about?! You can't even notice them.

Hey, Stuart.

Three words...

virgin... For... Life.

Great news, Carter.

We are not gonna have to do Caitlin's work anymore.

I was on the Internet last night.

I typed Caitlin's name into a search engine,

and downloaded this interesting bit of video.

[SINGING OFF-KEY] ♪ all alone I have cried ♪

♪ Silent tears full of pride♪

Caitlin was on "star search"?

♪ In a world made of steel ♪

♪ Made of stone ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ Well, I hear the music ♪

CARTER: Caitlin's coming!

Are you guys finished yet?

Carter and I have decided

we're not gonna do your busywork anymore.

What makes you think you can get away with that?

Just, uh, call it a feeling.

What a feeling!

[MUSIC START]

♪ I can have it all ♪

♪ Now I'm dancin' for my life♪

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

It's time to...

[HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK]

James, James, scoot back from the Mike a little.

[LOW-PITCHED FEEDBACK]

Close your lips.

[FEEDBACK STOPS]

Yes, it's time to announce this week's winner

of the save the big buddies raffle.

It's been a huge success.

We've sold over 5,000 tickets.

And the winner of the $100 cash prize is...

Number 43795.

Okay, our phone lines are open,

so if the winner's out there, call in now.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Mike, I think we have the winner on line number one.

And lines two and three.

And lines four, five, six, and seven.

Paul, what the hell happened?!

Did you screw up the tickets?

No, I bought 5,000 tickets.

Different numbers, Paul?

Oh.

W-we seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties.

[HIGH-PITCHED FEEDBACK]

Mike, I know this isn't the best time to mention it,

but I think I'm also a winner.

Janelle, any angry raffle winners

show up demanding money?

Uh, so far, just Paul.

Good.

Maybe this whole thing will blow over.

There he is!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[PANTING]

I'm like the Beatles...

Except they hate me.

Okay, here's the problem... we got 5,000 winners.

That means we got to come up with $500,000.

That's $100 per person.

Yeah, Carter, my problem is not so much the long division.

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

There's a mob out there.

What are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go out there,

and I'm gonna tell those people

that it was an honest mistake

and that they're not getting any money.

I'm not saying it's gonna be easy,

but you don't get anywhere in politics

running away from your problems.

Meeting adjourned.

So, listen, guys, I've decided

you don't need to do that casino report after all.

I'll take care of it.

Oh, that is so nice of you.

Don't ever lose that when you become a star.

So, how about you give me that tape?

Sure. Here you go.

Oh, thank you. That's very fair of you.

My pleasure.

In fact, take five.

All right, guys, fun is fun,

but I want every copy of that tape.

What do I have to do?

Do you know "99 luft balloons"?

Hi, James.

[MUFFLED] Hey, Muriel.

Why do you have your shirt over your nose?

I cut one.

Oh.

[MUFFLED] So, are we still on for tonight?

Oh, yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Me too.

You have nice eyebrows.

Thank you.

See you around the halls.

You betcha.

Smooth.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

MAN: I want to get paid now!

Oh!

[AS DUSTIN HOFFMAN IN "RAIN MAN"] 96.

96 what, Paul?

96 pretzels...

definitely, definitely 96 pretzel sticks.

No, there are 100. It says so on the bag.

96 pretzel sticks on the floor.

Oh, Mike, I have a meeting down in Atlantic city.

I'm taking Devin with me.

Can you believe he's never gambled before?!

Of course, there are four left in the bag.

Oh, my God, he's right.

Okay, new plan.

We probably should have talked.

Uh, hey, uh, Chet, how you doin'?

Am I gonna be a big winner tonight?

Statistically, no.

Okay, note to self... Chet no good at small talk.

Take a hit.

Listen, when we start winning, keep it low-key, all right?

Hit me.

21.

Yeah, baby, read 'em and weep!

Are you ready for our date?

Again?!

[MUFFLED] I can't lie to you, Muriel.

I got braces yesterday, and I thought if you saw them,

you wouldn't want to go out with me anymore.

Let me see them.

It's...

It's stuck!

Let me help. Maybe if I... just pull it.

This is such a weight off me!

I thought I was gonna look like an idiot.

Okay, here are your lattes.

Stuart, I picked up your dry cleaning.

And, Carter, the fedex guy's name is Patrick,

and he thinks you're cute, too.

Patrick...

Now, that's a package

I absolutely, positively, got to have overnight.

Now, I believe you have something for me.

Actually, I'm going to need one last thing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You're coming with me to my high school reunion,

where you'll pretend to be

my morally challenged girlfriend.

Okay, that's it.

This ends now.

Everyone, can I have your attention

for one moment, please?

This is very embarrassing for me, but... Well, here.

♪ All alone I have cried ♪

♪ Silent tears full of pride♪

♪ In a world made of steel ♪

♪ Made of stone ♪

♪ Well, I hear the music ♪

♪ Close my eyes ♪

♪ Feel the rhythm ♪

♪ Wrap around ♪

♪ Take a hold ♪

♪ Of my heart ♪

♪ What a feelin'! ♪

I'm guessing

the star search didn't end that day.

That meant nothing to me.

I was young and stupid and I did it on a dare.

Besides, I really wasn't that bad.

Like I said... young and stupid.

As for you two, your leverage is gone.

Now, I want that casino report finished,

and I don't care if it takes all night.

[SIGHS]

♪ Made of stone ♪

♪ Well, I feel the music ♪

♪ Close my eyes ♪

♪ Feel the rhythm ♪

♪ Wrap around ♪

♪ Take a hold ♪

♪ Of my heart ♪

♪ What a feelin'! ♪

Pick you up Saturday.

♪ I can have it all ♪

♪ Now I'm dancin'... ♪

Dress slutty.

Yeah! Yes!

$250,000.

One more, we're in the clear.

Okay, what do you think, buddy?

Tickle the felt.

Yes! We won!

Who's rakin' it in?!

You are! You are! You are!

Who's beatin' the house?!

You are! You are! You are!

Who's countin' cards?!

I'm pretty sure she is.

Quick! She's gettin' away!

365,211 jelly beans.

One ticket, please.

You know, I'm a little disappointed.

The big buddy program is not just about having fun.

It's about shaping an impressionable mind,

about showing someone the path to maturity.

It's not about feeding your buddy candy for dinner

or saying swear words in front of them

or teaching them how to moon the limo driver.

What kind of example are you tryin' to set?

I-I'm sorry, Mike.

It'll never happen again.

He made me do all that.

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)