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1
00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:05,170
Carter...
2
00:00:05,204 --> 00:00:07,204
What's wrong
with this picture?
3
00:00:07,239 --> 00:00:09,207
Those earrings
with that blouse.
4
00:00:09,241 --> 00:00:10,675
Hoo-hoo!
5
00:00:10,710 --> 00:00:12,811
Okay, if you weren't gay,
6
00:00:12,845 --> 00:00:15,580
what's wrong
with this picture?
7
00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:18,950
Let me give you a hint.
8
00:00:18,984 --> 00:00:20,519
It was taken
at a press event.
9
00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:23,121
You wanna be in the picture,
you gotta be at the event.
10
00:00:23,155 --> 00:00:25,791
Caitlin plans these events
behind my back.
11
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:28,259
She schedules them,
she creates them,
12
00:00:28,294 --> 00:00:30,395
she stars in them.
13
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:34,433
She's like
an evil, blond spike Lee.
14
00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:37,736
Why are you so uptight?
15
00:00:37,770 --> 00:00:39,237
She's cuttin' me out!
16
00:00:39,271 --> 00:00:43,040
I can't do my job if I'm not
the guy behind the guy.
17
00:00:43,075 --> 00:00:43,674
You are.
18
00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:44,476
Not anymore.
19
00:00:44,510 --> 00:00:46,244
Now she's made me the guy
20
00:00:46,279 --> 00:00:49,314
behind the girl behind the guy,
21
00:00:49,348 --> 00:00:51,682
which sounds like fun...
22
00:00:51,717 --> 00:00:54,051
...but is
not.
23
00:00:54,086 --> 00:00:57,756
From now on, wherever the mayor
goes, whatever he does,
24
00:00:57,790 --> 00:00:59,891
I'm gonna be
right next to him.
25
00:01:02,795 --> 00:01:06,398
Gentlemen.
26
00:01:06,432 --> 00:01:09,334
Starting in
about 10 minutes.
27
00:01:09,368 --> 00:01:12,170
[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]
28
00:01:36,295 --> 00:01:37,662
Okay, next item...
29
00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:39,597
this morning, the first...
30
00:01:42,835 --> 00:01:46,137
Train pulled into the newly
renovated grand central station.
31
00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:47,572
The tracks weren't ready.
32
00:01:47,606 --> 00:01:50,008
Oh, no,
the tracks were ready.
33
00:01:50,042 --> 00:01:52,977
Unfortunately,
the stoplights were n ot.
34
00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:54,478
As a result,
35
00:01:54,513 --> 00:01:58,282
the eastern wall is now
known as "the Western archway."
36
00:01:58,317 --> 00:02:00,318
Hey, Mike,
tell 'em about Manny,
37
00:02:00,352 --> 00:02:02,821
the bathroom attendant
from grand central
38
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:05,423
who's gonna work here
during the renovations.
39
00:02:05,457 --> 00:02:06,825
Go ahead, tell 'em.
40
00:02:06,859 --> 00:02:09,059
Sure you
don't wanna tell 'em, James?
41
00:02:09,094 --> 00:02:11,896
No, I don't want
to steal your thunder.
42
00:02:11,930 --> 00:02:14,065
Bathroom attendants...
I hate 'em!
43
00:02:14,099 --> 00:02:16,233
Just a bunch of crooks.
44
00:02:16,268 --> 00:02:18,136
Manny survives
off his tips.
45
00:02:18,170 --> 00:02:19,737
Survives... ha!
46
00:02:19,772 --> 00:02:22,573
They're just like
panhandlers.
47
00:02:22,608 --> 00:02:26,911
Half of 'em have mansions
out on long island.
48
00:02:26,945 --> 00:02:28,713
Yeah, Paul, according to Forbes,
49
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:32,016
the three richest men in America
are bill gates, Warren buffet,
50
00:02:32,051 --> 00:02:33,551
and the guy on 31st street
51
00:02:33,585 --> 00:02:36,755
who screams, "gimme a dollar
or I'll drop my pants!"
52
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:39,223
Now, finally,
Tuesday is the banquet
53
00:02:39,257 --> 00:02:42,360
honoring our own Carter Heywood
as activist of the year.
54
00:02:42,394 --> 00:02:45,896
I just want
to let you people know
55
00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:48,866
that I don't do what I do
for the awards.
56
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:51,636
Ah, this really comes
out of nowhere.
57
00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:53,438
It was a complete shock.
58
00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:55,774
Carter,
you nominated yourself,
59
00:02:55,808 --> 00:02:58,643
and you ran
a few months' smear campaign
60
00:02:58,677 --> 00:03:02,213
against your only competition,
sister carlita.
61
00:03:02,247 --> 00:03:05,015
You're either a nun
or an activist, Mike.
62
00:03:05,050 --> 00:03:06,384
You can't be both!
63
00:03:06,418 --> 00:03:11,222
The last thing you fought for
was a desk chair.
64
00:03:11,256 --> 00:03:13,157
I just happen to do
my best protesting
65
00:03:13,191 --> 00:03:15,259
from an ergonomically balanced
position.
66
00:03:15,293 --> 00:03:16,895
I once got a chick
67
00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:20,231
in an ergonomically balanced
position.
68
00:03:20,265 --> 00:03:22,000
Then she sobered up,
69
00:03:22,034 --> 00:03:26,538
and I was just another loser
swinging from a harness.
70
00:03:26,572 --> 00:03:28,205
Oh, I was
looking for Caitlin.
71
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,808
I have the schedule
of the mayor's campaign events.
72
00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:32,777
You can leave that with me.
73
00:03:32,811 --> 00:03:34,579
I was told
only to give it to Caitlin.
74
00:03:34,613 --> 00:03:35,980
Who told you that?
75
00:03:36,014 --> 00:03:37,014
Caitlin.
76
00:03:37,049 --> 00:03:39,050
Who you gonna listen to?
77
00:03:39,084 --> 00:03:40,918
[SNICKERS] Caitlin.
78
00:03:44,523 --> 00:03:47,725
Here are the transit papers.
79
00:03:50,729 --> 00:03:52,764
Stuart, what's that?!
80
00:03:52,798 --> 00:03:54,699
A paperweight.
81
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,168
That's a
breast!
82
00:03:57,202 --> 00:03:59,771
This paperweight
looks nothing like a breast.
83
00:03:59,805 --> 00:04:02,840
Here, I'll prove it to you...
whip out one of yours.
84
00:04:02,874 --> 00:04:08,213
Caitlin, Stuart
has a breast on his desk.
85
00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:12,116
I was trying
to explain it's not a breast.
86
00:04:12,150 --> 00:04:15,119
It's a nonsexual,
abstract piece of art.
87
00:04:15,153 --> 00:04:16,921
Oh, yeah?
Where'd you get it?
88
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:19,290
The knocker locker.
89
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:28,366
[WHISTLING]
90
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:44,282
Aah!
91
00:04:44,316 --> 00:04:46,450
That's not my purse!
92
00:04:46,485 --> 00:04:48,486
What are you doing?
93
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:51,256
I'm looking for
the mayor's campaign schedule.
94
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:52,724
Why don't you
just ask for it?
95
00:04:52,758 --> 00:04:54,525
Like you're just
gonna give it to me.
96
00:04:56,227 --> 00:04:58,596
Good.
97
00:04:58,630 --> 00:05:02,099
Glad to see we're finally
being mature about this.
98
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:04,301
Here's your mascara.
99
00:05:04,336 --> 00:05:06,971
Wait a minute...
this is written in code.
100
00:05:07,005 --> 00:05:08,372
It's not code, Mike.
101
00:05:08,407 --> 00:05:10,842
The mayor and I have developed
a sort of shorthand
102
00:05:10,876 --> 00:05:12,443
to help us be more efficient.
103
00:05:12,477 --> 00:05:14,679
He and I have had that
for years.
104
00:05:14,713 --> 00:05:16,114
Oh, Caitlin,
there you are.
105
00:05:16,148 --> 00:05:17,448
Oh, did you get my memo...
106
00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:19,317
cpdr13?
107
00:05:19,351 --> 00:05:22,120
Central park dog run
1:00 to 3:00.
108
00:05:22,154 --> 00:05:26,057
And this time, remind me
not to put the tennis ball
109
00:05:26,091 --> 00:05:27,892
in my trouser pocket.
110
00:05:29,494 --> 00:05:32,096
Hey, hey, b.F.
111
00:05:32,130 --> 00:05:33,498
What?
112
00:05:33,532 --> 00:05:36,634
B.F... Big fella.
113
00:05:36,668 --> 00:05:40,238
L.F... Little fella?
114
00:05:40,272 --> 00:05:42,140
I thought maybe later
115
00:05:42,341 --> 00:05:46,844
we'd get
some b. U.D... Weisers.
116
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:49,046
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
117
00:05:50,949 --> 00:05:52,016
Here we go.
118
00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:53,418
Thanks, Manny.
119
00:05:53,452 --> 00:05:55,954
By the way, I love
the green urinal cakes.
120
00:05:58,290 --> 00:06:00,358
Very
classy.
121
00:06:22,681 --> 00:06:25,016
Hmm.
122
00:06:27,419 --> 00:06:29,620
No candy corn, huh?
123
00:06:31,690 --> 00:06:34,091
You know, they're not just
for Halloween, my friend.
124
00:06:34,125 --> 00:06:35,693
You know what would be nice,
125
00:06:35,727 --> 00:06:39,296
is, um...
126
00:06:39,330 --> 00:06:41,298
Some sliced fruit...
127
00:06:41,332 --> 00:06:43,333
Or, uh, I don't know...
128
00:06:43,368 --> 00:06:45,603
finger sandwiches, maybe.
129
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:53,111
I'll catch you
next ÷ time.
130
00:06:57,449 --> 00:07:00,784
Mike, you got a minute?
131
00:07:00,819 --> 00:07:02,086
Yeah, Carter.
132
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,556
I think I've broken
Caitlin's code.
133
00:07:05,590 --> 00:07:07,624
Okay, see this... "fifen."
134
00:07:07,659 --> 00:07:09,660
It makes no sense, right?
135
00:07:09,694 --> 00:07:13,331
However, if you replace
all the f's with g's,
136
00:07:13,365 --> 00:07:15,333
swap the "I" for a "u"...
137
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:18,469
Add the standard syllable
"heim"...
138
00:07:21,039 --> 00:07:27,111
...suddenly,
"fifen" becomes "gugenheim."
139
00:07:27,145 --> 00:07:30,948
Couldn't "fifen" just mean...
Congressman Barney fifen,
140
00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:33,985
who the mayor
is meeting with right now?
141
00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:39,690
At the gugenheim?
142
00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:41,458
No, in the pressroom.
143
00:07:41,493 --> 00:07:44,095
Oh, she is good.
She is very g ood.
144
00:07:44,129 --> 00:07:46,764
Mike, Mike...
I-I need to talk.
145
00:07:46,798 --> 00:07:50,468
Make it fast, okay?
'Cause I gotta find the mayor.
146
00:07:50,502 --> 00:07:53,104
Nikki was right
this morning.
147
00:07:53,138 --> 00:07:55,640
I've totally lost my edge.
148
00:07:55,674 --> 00:07:57,441
Maybe I used to be
an activist,
149
00:07:57,475 --> 00:07:59,644
but now, whenever
I try to make a stand,
150
00:07:59,678 --> 00:08:01,712
someone always
talks me out of it.
151
00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:04,015
That's not true.
152
00:08:04,049 --> 00:08:05,316
Yeah,
you're probably right.
153
00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:07,718
Wait, wait, wait!
Mike, Mike.
154
00:08:07,752 --> 00:08:09,287
This is important to me.
155
00:08:09,321 --> 00:08:12,323
I want to show the gay community
that I, uh...
156
00:08:12,357 --> 00:08:14,358
I stand out
here at city hall.
157
00:08:14,392 --> 00:08:18,096
Show them that mesh tank top
you wear on casual Fridays.
158
00:08:21,566 --> 00:08:23,067
Paul, I can't believe you!
159
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,670
You're totally
taking advantage of Manny!
160
00:08:25,704 --> 00:08:27,071
Oh.
161
00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:31,242
That's preposterous!
162
00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:32,943
You better return
all this stuff,
163
00:08:32,978 --> 00:08:35,313
and if you want to use
the bathroom, tip Manny!
164
00:08:35,347 --> 00:08:37,482
Look, James,
I have principles!
165
00:08:37,516 --> 00:08:40,485
There are certain things in life
I will not pay for...
166
00:08:40,519 --> 00:08:44,021
parking, sex,
food, shelter!
167
00:08:46,725 --> 00:08:48,926
Stuart...
168
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,730
Regarding the breast,
I put together a little file...
169
00:08:52,764 --> 00:08:57,035
let's just call them your
achievements here at city hall.
170
00:08:57,069 --> 00:08:59,370
Uh-oh.
171
00:08:59,404 --> 00:09:03,975
"March 14... bondek arrives
at work wearing no pants."
172
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:06,476
That was a special day.
173
00:09:06,511 --> 00:09:10,214
And eyewitness accounts suggest
it was also a very cold d ay.
174
00:09:12,684 --> 00:09:14,318
I want that breast gone.
175
00:09:14,352 --> 00:09:18,723
Be careful about how you
interact with women here.
176
00:09:18,757 --> 00:09:20,391
What if I want to say
something nice?
177
00:09:20,425 --> 00:09:23,094
Well, according
to city-government protocol,
178
00:09:23,128 --> 00:09:26,330
the only acceptable compliment
you can give a woman
179
00:09:26,364 --> 00:09:27,664
is "you look sharp."
180
00:09:27,699 --> 00:09:29,033
Understood?
181
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:31,569
Absolutely.
182
00:09:31,603 --> 00:09:35,406
[SWEETLY]
Oh, Caitlin...
183
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,208
You...
184
00:09:37,242 --> 00:09:39,510
Look sharp.
185
00:09:42,247 --> 00:09:46,617
You look so sharp...
186
00:09:46,651 --> 00:09:49,053
You make me feel sharp.
187
00:09:51,423 --> 00:09:53,424
Get out of the water,
188
00:09:53,458 --> 00:09:55,159
'cause here comes...
189
00:09:55,193 --> 00:09:57,194
A "sharp" attack!
190
00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:03,267
Where's the mayor?
191
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:06,270
He's in the middle
of an interview Caitlin set up.
192
00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:07,972
Another one.
That's it!
193
00:10:08,006 --> 00:10:11,442
I'm gonna show this reporter
who's really in charge...
194
00:10:11,476 --> 00:10:14,211
uh, you know...
after the mayor.
195
00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:16,446
Uh, sir,
I just wanted to...
196
00:10:16,481 --> 00:10:20,117
ooh! An interview!
197
00:10:20,285 --> 00:10:22,887
Thanks for approving
that interview, Caitlin.
198
00:10:22,921 --> 00:10:25,123
Mike would never
have gone for that.
199
00:10:25,157 --> 00:10:27,825
Hey, the mayor being profiled
by the gay observe r
200
00:10:27,859 --> 00:10:29,427
it's a win-win.
201
00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:31,295
People
don't really understand
202
00:10:31,329 --> 00:10:34,331
just how close
the mayor and I really are.
203
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:39,469
And I think it's time
they found out.
204
00:10:39,504 --> 00:10:42,072
Right, big fella?
205
00:10:42,107 --> 00:10:44,175
You said it, little fella.
206
00:10:45,310 --> 00:10:47,511
Somebody's
been working out.
207
00:10:51,649 --> 00:10:54,785
Working out... I don't have
the energy for that.
208
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:57,054
You've seen me
in the mornings.
209
00:10:57,088 --> 00:11:00,124
I had no idea you guys
had this kind of relationship.
210
00:11:00,325 --> 00:11:01,626
A lot of people around here
211
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,694
have been making
a lot of claims.
212
00:11:03,728 --> 00:11:06,631
So I'm just going to
bottom-line it for you, okay?
213
00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:10,701
I am the guy...
Behind the guy.
214
00:11:13,572 --> 00:11:14,972
Hey, how about a picture?
215
00:11:15,006 --> 00:11:16,040
Perfect!
216
00:11:28,787 --> 00:11:30,755
Mike,
look at this headline!
217
00:11:30,789 --> 00:11:33,024
"The mayor comes out"!
218
00:11:33,092 --> 00:11:35,326
Sir,
if it's any consolation,
219
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:39,297
I did talk them out of
"nobody's gayer than the mayor."
220
00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:43,700
They're saying
that I'm a homosexual!
221
00:11:43,735 --> 00:11:47,037
This is the most horrible,
humiliating moment in my life!
222
00:11:50,408 --> 00:11:52,809
No offense, Carter.
223
00:11:52,844 --> 00:11:54,578
None taken.
224
00:11:54,613 --> 00:11:57,581
You?! I mean, sir,
t-they called me your boy toy.
225
00:11:57,615 --> 00:12:01,085
As if I came prancing into work
in a purple suit and a pink tie.
226
00:12:01,119 --> 00:12:02,686
No offense, Carter.
227
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,721
None taken!
228
00:12:04,756 --> 00:12:06,490
I can't believe
they made us gay!
229
00:12:06,524 --> 00:12:07,892
First of all,
230
00:12:07,926 --> 00:12:10,161
you can't make someone gay...
231
00:12:10,195 --> 00:12:11,929
they're born that way.
232
00:12:11,963 --> 00:12:14,564
Or they...
Join the wrestling team,
233
00:12:14,599 --> 00:12:17,735
and... It's just
a matter of time.
234
00:12:17,769 --> 00:12:19,770
Randall...
235
00:12:19,805 --> 00:12:21,338
Boy toy.
236
00:12:22,841 --> 00:12:24,475
Shouldn't you
be calling reporters
237
00:12:24,509 --> 00:12:26,543
trying to undo
the damage you've done?
238
00:12:26,578 --> 00:12:29,313
I tried.
Apparently, I lack credibility
239
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:31,982
because I'm always "lying"
to them.
240
00:12:32,017 --> 00:12:34,152
Until this blows over,
the mayor and you
241
00:12:34,186 --> 00:12:36,586
probably shouldn't be seen
in public together.
242
00:12:36,621 --> 00:12:38,623
Yeah, you would like that,
wouldn't you?
243
00:12:38,657 --> 00:12:39,990
I think Caitlin
may be right.
244
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:42,993
Sir, please, all we have to do
is put you in a series
245
00:12:43,028 --> 00:12:45,629
of very public,
very heterosexual situations,
246
00:12:45,663 --> 00:12:48,866
thereby cleansing you
of any lingering gay... Residue.
247
00:12:51,603 --> 00:12:54,872
None taken!
248
00:12:57,843 --> 00:12:59,177
That's it!
249
00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:01,879
I've had enough.
I'm getting rid of it.
250
00:13:04,082 --> 00:13:07,752
[GRUNTING]
251
00:13:13,925 --> 00:13:16,827
What good is a paperweight
if it's glued to your desk?!
252
00:13:16,861 --> 00:13:19,697
I think you just showed me.
253
00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:25,636
Caitlin...
254
00:13:25,670 --> 00:13:30,941
I think it's time
we fight fire with fire...
255
00:13:35,613 --> 00:13:39,283
Little, uh,
paperweight of our own.
256
00:13:39,317 --> 00:13:40,417
Well!
257
00:13:40,451 --> 00:13:43,020
And this is supposed
to distract Stuart?
258
00:13:46,591 --> 00:13:49,459
It didn't look so big
in the store.
259
00:13:49,494 --> 00:13:51,962
What
store?
260
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:55,433
Oh, Nikki,
can I ask you a question?
261
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:56,967
Yes, sir.
262
00:14:00,805 --> 00:14:02,873
Do I seem gay to you?
263
00:14:04,309 --> 00:14:06,776
I mean,
I don't know why the press
264
00:14:06,811 --> 00:14:09,313
latches onto
things like this.
265
00:14:22,694 --> 00:14:27,298
Is there anything at all
about me that seems gay?
266
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:31,801
No.
267
00:14:31,836 --> 00:14:33,303
Thank you!
268
00:14:33,338 --> 00:14:34,638
Oh, you know,
269
00:14:34,672 --> 00:14:37,707
my ex-wife had this same
paperweight on her nightstand.
270
00:14:41,346 --> 00:14:44,215
Never any papers, though.
271
00:14:49,888 --> 00:14:52,089
Okay, now joining us
on "Monday night football"...
272
00:14:52,123 --> 00:14:54,958
none other than the mayor of
New York City, Randall Winston,
273
00:14:54,993 --> 00:14:57,394
and next to him,
deputy mayor, Michael Flaherty.
274
00:14:57,428 --> 00:14:58,495
Welcome, guys.
275
00:14:58,529 --> 00:14:59,830
Thank you, boomer.
276
00:14:59,864 --> 00:15:02,365
Boomer...
that's such a cool name.
277
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,434
Uh, easy...
I-I'm married.
278
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:06,436
As was the mayor...
279
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:07,805
To a woman.
280
00:15:07,839 --> 00:15:09,873
And before that,
quite the womanizer...
281
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:12,076
just sex, sex, sex
every chance he got...
282
00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:13,577
But responsibly.
283
00:15:13,611 --> 00:15:16,513
I heard you played
a little high school football?
284
00:15:16,515 --> 00:15:17,681
He was
the star quarterback.
285
00:15:17,716 --> 00:15:20,050
Until my senior year,
when I had to give it up.
286
00:15:20,084 --> 00:15:21,819
Was it a knee injury?
287
00:15:21,853 --> 00:15:23,186
Lead in "show boat."
288
00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:25,122
Football just can't compare
289
00:15:25,156 --> 00:15:27,457
to the thrill
of musical theater.
290
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:29,159
I'm sure.
291
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:31,628
You were a tough kid,
though, right?
292
00:15:31,662 --> 00:15:32,629
IWas...
293
00:15:32,663 --> 00:15:33,864
In "West Side story."
294
00:15:33,898 --> 00:15:35,165
I was a jet.
295
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,300
Unfortunately, me too.
296
00:15:37,335 --> 00:15:41,171
♪ And when you're a jet,
you're a jet
297
00:15:41,206 --> 00:15:43,673
♪ all the way
from your first cigarette
298
00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:45,542
♪ to your last dying day
299
00:15:45,576 --> 00:15:47,111
♪ boo doo-be-do da
300
00:15:47,145 --> 00:15:48,478
♪ boo doo-be-do...
301
00:15:52,083 --> 00:15:53,850
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
302
00:15:53,885 --> 00:15:55,386
Mike Flaherty's office.
303
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:58,389
[IMITATING WOMAN]
Hello, is Manny there?
304
00:15:58,423 --> 00:16:01,325
This is Mrs... Manny.
305
00:16:01,359 --> 00:16:03,761
Oh, hold one second.
I'll get him.
306
00:16:18,342 --> 00:16:20,978
Out of my way, junior!
This morning,
307
00:16:21,012 --> 00:16:24,815
Starbucks was giving away free
samples of Madagascar melody!
308
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:26,484
I had 12!
309
00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:27,518
You know the rules.
310
00:16:27,552 --> 00:16:30,354
Yeah, well,
I don't pee by the rules!
311
00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:31,989
Don't make me use this.
312
00:16:32,023 --> 00:16:33,657
What are you gonna do,
deodorize me?
313
00:16:33,692 --> 00:16:36,827
Ow! Ow!
My eyes! My eyes!
314
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:38,495
Nice work, James.
315
00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:40,864
I'll take it from here.
316
00:16:40,898 --> 00:16:45,202
Let's see how tough
you are now... Mint stealer!
317
00:16:51,175 --> 00:16:52,409
Oh!
318
00:16:52,443 --> 00:16:53,778
"Monday night football"...
319
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,212
nice work, Mike.
320
00:16:55,246 --> 00:16:57,381
Now the mayor's
not just gay in New York,
321
00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:59,617
he's gay in 70 countries
around the world.
322
00:16:59,651 --> 00:17:01,952
He's like the visa card
of gay people.
323
00:17:01,986 --> 00:17:04,321
Yeah, well,
on the upside, uh,
324
00:17:04,355 --> 00:17:08,659
he was offered the role
of kenickie in "grease on ice."
325
00:17:08,693 --> 00:17:09,727
Oh, there he is.
326
00:17:09,761 --> 00:17:11,328
Carter, as guest of honor,
327
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,864
you're seated at table 1
with the mayor.
328
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,632
Hey, welcome
to the big time, Carter.
329
00:17:15,667 --> 00:17:18,068
Not that there's anything wrong
with the other tables.
330
00:17:18,102 --> 00:17:19,370
There's no hierarchy here.
331
00:17:19,404 --> 00:17:20,937
Mike, you're at table 9.
332
00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:23,273
The loser table?!
333
00:17:23,307 --> 00:17:24,842
You can't sit
with the mayor.
334
00:17:24,876 --> 00:17:26,777
Everyone will think
you're his date.
335
00:17:26,811 --> 00:17:30,013
All right.
I see your point.
336
00:17:30,047 --> 00:17:31,982
For the record,
though, uh...
337
00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:34,017
He could do a lot worse.
338
00:17:34,051 --> 00:17:38,088
I don't know, Caitlin,
I, uh...
339
00:17:38,122 --> 00:17:40,223
I feel like a fraud
being here.
340
00:17:40,258 --> 00:17:42,025
I rarely speak out anymore,
341
00:17:42,059 --> 00:17:44,661
and when I do,
nobody really listens.
342
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:47,264
I don't know.
I think it's some kind of fish.
343
00:17:49,066 --> 00:17:52,068
Looks like we both
got stuck at the loser table.
344
00:17:52,103 --> 00:17:54,104
This is not the loser table.
345
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:57,074
This is the "young
mover and shaker" table.
346
00:17:58,309 --> 00:18:01,278
Oh, great...
the loser table!
347
00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:07,618
We're both businessmen.
Let's make a deal.
348
00:18:07,652 --> 00:18:10,820
You let me use the bathroom
free of charge,
349
00:18:10,855 --> 00:18:14,358
I'll hook you up with
this guy down in Chinatown...
350
00:18:14,392 --> 00:18:16,660
he brews his own old spice.
351
00:18:17,929 --> 00:18:22,499
Stings a little,
but it's a nickel a gallon.
352
00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,368
Hmm...
353
00:18:24,402 --> 00:18:26,903
I'm listening.
354
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:28,639
I can't believe this.
355
00:18:28,673 --> 00:18:30,541
Everybody thinks I'm gay.
356
00:18:30,575 --> 00:18:33,143
Caitlin is up there
attached to the mayor's hip,
357
00:18:33,177 --> 00:18:34,845
and I'm stuck
at the loser table.
358
00:18:34,879 --> 00:18:36,913
You said this was
the cool table.
359
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:40,083
James, wake up
and smell the bathroom guy.
360
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:42,352
Carter...
361
00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:44,454
You got to
help me out, okay?
362
00:18:44,489 --> 00:18:47,224
As the most prominent gay member
of this administration...
363
00:18:47,258 --> 00:18:49,226
Mike, I'm the only gay member.
364
00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:51,094
No, mark in accounting
came out.
365
00:18:51,128 --> 00:18:53,029
I knew it!
366
00:18:53,064 --> 00:18:54,364
I need you to go up there
367
00:18:54,399 --> 00:18:56,866
and tell everybody
the mayor and I are not gay.
368
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:59,269
You're the only one
they're gonna believe.
369
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,471
You want to let them know
you're straight?
370
00:19:01,506 --> 00:19:04,241
Just show them
how you dance.
371
00:19:04,275 --> 00:19:07,211
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen...
372
00:19:07,245 --> 00:19:08,778
What do you say, Carter?
373
00:19:08,813 --> 00:19:10,180
...our city's activists,
374
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:13,350
and tonight's guest of honor,
Carter Heywood!
375
00:19:20,291 --> 00:19:22,593
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
376
00:19:22,627 --> 00:19:24,227
Thank you for this award.
377
00:19:24,262 --> 00:19:26,229
It's a...
378
00:19:26,264 --> 00:19:29,633
it's a great honor,
and now I need to live up to it.
379
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:31,401
Believe it or not,
380
00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:35,105
the mayor was so alarmed
at being mistaken for gay
381
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:38,642
that I was asked
to come up here and deny it.
382
00:19:40,645 --> 00:19:44,648
Well, I may work at city hall,
but I don't work for city hall.
383
00:19:46,350 --> 00:19:47,785
Stay strong.
384
00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:51,488
Carter Heywood... Is back.
385
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,189
[APPLAUSE]
386
00:19:58,597 --> 00:20:01,598
Wow!
387
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:05,335
Powerful... Powerful stuff.
388
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:08,004
So, to sum up, uh...
389
00:20:08,038 --> 00:20:11,275
The mayor and I...
390
00:20:11,309 --> 00:20:13,277
not gay.
391
00:20:14,512 --> 00:20:16,112
Nice spin, Mike.
392
00:20:16,147 --> 00:20:18,214
I guess I'm back
at the mayor's table.
393
00:20:18,249 --> 00:20:19,650
Oh, this is silly...
394
00:20:19,684 --> 00:20:22,385
us competing to see
who can be closer to the mayor.
395
00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:26,289
Maybe you're
competing. I'm not competing.
396
00:20:33,031 --> 00:20:34,765
I'm closer.
397
00:20:46,577 --> 00:20:50,614
Well, Stuart...
398
00:20:50,649 --> 00:20:51,815
[CRASH]
399
00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:56,487
Looks like you can kiss
your paperweight goodbye.
400
00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:58,855
And we don't mean that
literally.
401
00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:00,924
[SIGHS]
402
00:21:06,631 --> 00:21:09,400
They sell them in
pairs.
403
00:21:14,705 --> 00:21:16,039
Duh!
404
00:21:16,073 --> 00:21:18,675
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
405
00:21:18,710 --> 00:21:19,777
(BARKING)28620
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