Original subtitles

Morning, Nikki. How you doin'?

Come on. I didn't ask for your whole life story.

Oh, me?

Oh, well... I still don't have an assistant,

so I had to come in early... do my own filing.

Takes a little longer,

because I have to sing the whole song.

♪ A-B-C-D...

♪ E-F-G...

♪ H-I-J-K...

♪ L-M-N-O...

♪ Payroll

so, uh...

About us, uh, everything... everything cool?

So, I guess I just file your response under "f."

Look, Nikki, look...

we won't get anywhere unless we communicate.

You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Now we're getting somewhere.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS]

Beat you again, Mike.

Yes, in spite of your terrible hay fever.

What are the odds of you sneezing, "miss it!"

Every single time I putted?

I'll let you in on my winning secret...

treat the ball like your lady, and she'll dance for you.

Nobody treats their balls better than you, sir.

So the mayor's still cheating at golf, huh?

Yeah. Today I'm pretty sure he even cheated at cheating.

Right, right.

Okay.

Caitlin...

Listen, uh, I don't mind you using my office,

but next time, just ask first so I can say no.

Great. High tea at the Plaza. The mayor will be there.

Okay. How many times do I have to tell you

to run things by me first?

Let's see. I told you to mind your own business eight times,

so eight.

Oh, wait... mind your own business.

Nine.

See, you don't know the mayor as well as I do.

He can't have tea at the Plaza.

Why?

He can't help referring to finger foods

as "those little, gay sandwiches."

By the way, I really enjoyed your doodle of "supermike"

on the rocket-powered skateboard.

That's "ultramike,"

and it's a magic snowboard,

and, uh, you come by anytime, okay?

My door is always open.

CARTER: That woman's not wasting any time getting in your f ace.

Yeah. She's making her move, Mike.

She's cagey.

She's wily.

She's...

En fuego.

Give her enough rope, she will hang herself.

Well, she can't do it soon enough for me.

Oh, come on, Paul.

Yesterday you sucked up to her so hard,

she had to brace herself in the doorframe.

Nervous habit.

Under control.

Love the tie.

All right, enough about Caitlin.

James, how's that hospital speech?

Oh, Caitlin took it away from me.

W-what do you mean Caitlin took it away from you?

She walked over, took it,

and said, "I'm gonna take this away from you."

Sir, sir...

did you know that Caitlin has taken it upon herself

to rewrite the hospital speech?

She just finished the first paragraph.

It's so moving.

Let's see...

Cheap anecdote about a handicapped student...

blah, blah, blah...

blind mother...

yadda, yadda... tiny wheelchair.

She's a poet, Mike...

A poet!

But the point is, this speech is city business.

This has nothing to do with the senate campaign.

Sir, every issue you talk about as mayor

has the potential to be a campaign issue.

That's why I would like to write

all of your speeches from now on.

And I suppose, what, we just fire James?

I hate to say it, but Mike is probably right.

Just like that?

Jeez, Mike!

What do you have, ice water in your veins?!

Sir, James has really come into his own.

I'm not paying her six figures a year

to ignore her opinion.

Sir, you're not paying me six figures a year - -

actually, that's the whole sentence.

James has no experience on the national level.

Well, neither do I.

But let's keep the focus on James.

If Mike believes in James, I think he deserves a chance.

You won't be sorry.

James will write a speech

that will blow this one out of the water.

I just got to show him what not to do.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, Caitlin! I got you some breakfast!

Oh, that's okay, Paul.

I'm on a high-protein... No-teeth-marks diet.

But your office is the one on the corner, right?

Correct as always.

As smart as she is beautiful...

And talented!

The big three...

smart... And beautiful...

And talented!

What?

She walks pretty well

for a woman with your head up her butt.

That's the way I speak, all right?

Some people have an accent... I suck up.

You're pathetic.

Pathetic like a fox!

You know, they say talk is cheap.

Well, I got news for you...

it's free.

All it costs is your dignity.

Exactly.

She was asking about your office

because she's gonna take it from you.

Oh, God.

Well, fasten your seat belts, kids,

'cause big daddy's about to make the jump into hypersuck.

[SUCKING NOISE]

Carter, listen...

I need you to do me a favor.

I need you to talk to Nikki for me

because she confides in you.

Not anymore. She's got some crazy idea that I'm a gossip.

Why?

Well...

I can tell you this.

Who does she confide in now? Janelle.

Then I want you to talk to janelle for me.

You want me to ask janelle to ask Nikki

why she's mad at you?

Yeah...

Then, uh, meet me back here at recess.

James, James...

Good news, buddy. You are back on speech duty.

I don't want to pressure you,

but write me something amazing.

You got it, Mike.

No, no, James, you don't understand.

This has to be brilliant. This has to be inspiring.

I'll crank something out by lunch.

No...

not with that attitude you won't.

Where are the nerves? Where's the fear?

Do you know what great athletes do before the big game?

Steroids?

They throw up.

Do you want me to throw up, Mike?

I want you to care.

Look at this. Look at what Caitlin wrote.

Huh.

Oh, wow.

[VOICE BREAKING] Tell me she dances again.

Hey, Paul.

You seem chipper for a guy who's about to lose his office.

She won't want my office after what I did.

I trashed it. I rock-star trashed it.

You got to get up pretty early in the morning

to get the best of Paul lassiter.

Hey, Caitlin, listen. Look at my office.

If you like it, you can have it.

Paul, you are such a gentleman.

Well, it takes one to know one.

I got to warn you, though...

I'm a bit of a pack r...

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Stuart!

I'll take it.

Yes. And well you should.

But I-I must warn you...

it's haunted.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [GLASS BREAKING]

Mike...

You know about the evil presence in my office, right?

Of course. She's standing next to you.

Boo-yah!

Oh, janelle...

Here. I snagged you the last glazed.

Let me guess...

Mike asked you to talk to me about Nikki.

Yeah. They're both acting like such children.

Both?! She didn't have a sleepover with a supermodel.

Well, he didn't freeze her out

before giving her a chance to explain.

You mean a chance to ÷ lie.

Are you calling my man a liar?

Maybe I ought to tell him you said that.

I'm surprised you kept it in this long,

you gossip!

People in glass houses shouldn't sleep with mayors.

At least I've had a boyfriend this year.

I don't think it's gonna work out with us.

Maybe you should take your doughnut back.

The press conference

is supposed to start any minute, Mike.

Where's your boy?

Well, first of all, he's not a boy.

It's just that... He's a very old virgin.

This may fly in small-time, local politics...

ha ha! New York City... it's real small-time.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] The mayor runs the filling station.

Look, Mike, I'm sorry if this offends you,

but to do my job effectively, I need complete control.

Caitlin, that is an ugly, small-minded attitude,

and I've got dibs on it.

Hot crowd! Hot crowd!

These people are excited

to hear my thoughts on healthcare...

As am I.

There he is.

There's my mvp.

I know you wanted this to be perfect,

and now it is perfect...

That's what we're looking for.

...although there is one point on page two

that doesn't quite land.

Almost perfect. Hey.

Good enough.

The sandcastle metaphor... might be confusing.

Hey, we're at the beach.

I'm digging it.

Let's have a press conference.

Uh, no. It's bad. I'm bad. Damn my badness!

[SNIFFING]

Did somebody throw up?

JANELLE: He has no idea he's about to get the ax.

PAUL: Poor guy always was out of the loop.

Naive bastard.

How could you guys know already?

Body language.

Paul...

Heating vent.

So, why haven't you pulled the trigger yet, big guy?

Oh, come on, Stuart.

Firing somebody is not easy.

Huh.

Just make a joke out of it.

"Hey, James, knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"You're fired."

"Why did the chicken cross the road?

To tell you that you're fired."

Or, "the pope, Jesus, and a rabbi are in a rowboat.

You're fired."

You know what, Stuart?

You are gonna be the life...

Of hell.

Listen, James... [CLEARS THROAT]

Information travels pretty fast around here,

so I'm gonna assume you've heard the rumors.

Then it's true?

Yeah, it is.

I'm sorry, buddy.

You gonna be okay?

Me? Paul's the one with the haunted office.

All right, let's... let's try this again.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Nobody. Never mind.

Man, this is so much harder than I thought!

"Nobody. Never mind.

Man, this is so much harder than I thought" who?

Couldn't do it, could you?

If I fired everyone who couldn't do their jobs,

there'd be no one left but me.

And you, because you're within earshot.

How are you gonna get this past Caitlin?

Well, I've got some gossip for you.

There's a little-known law

that prohibits private campaign workers

from using public resources like Paul's office.

I slipped that information to some reporters,

and right now they are peppering her

with some very difficult questions.

Mike, for future reference,

gossip is supposed to be interesting.

Caitlin is goin' down.

Caitlin, you're goin' straight to the top!

I have never seen a standing ovation

at a press conference before.

Obviously, some idiot leaked incorrect information.

MIKE: Hey!

Don't call that person an idiot.

See? Now, this is interesting.

Hey, Betty!

To be safe, I shouldn't take Paul's office.

I'll just have a phone put in somewhere.

I got a lot of work done this morning at Mike's desk.

You want to put a phone in my office?

Why, thank you, Mike! I'll take you up on that.

You can have your number-one and number-two people in the same place.

No, no. Your number one... your number on e

and your number-two people need their own private domains.

Mike, some advice...

keep your friends close...

And your enemies closer.

No, that makes my advice so sinister.

Caitlin...

Listen, I know you think you have all the answers,

but believe me, you need what I have up here.

What? Half a bottle of mousse?

Fine, fine.

But you're gonna learn this sooner or later...

nothing happens around here without me.

I fired James.

Touche.

Poor James.

Look at his little desk.

I still expect him to be there.

He is still there.

James?

JAMES: Yeah, Mike?

Come on out.

I, uh, found a quarter.

Guess I'm gonna need it, huh?

[VOICE BREAKING] What am I gonna do, Mike?

Can't go back to the farm.

They'll make me a scarecrow again.

Crows aren't scared of me, Mike.

In fact, they find me delicious.

Look, y-you're not fired.

In fact, y-you're promoted...

To, uh, to deputy...

Deputy mayor.

Deputy deputy mayor!

Mike, w-what is that exactly?

Well...

Uh...

Deputy deputy mayor, uh, uh, uh,

answers my phones, and...

and sets my schedule,

and runs personal errands for me.

How is that different from an assistant?

Well, if you have to ask,

maybe you're not ready.

N-no, I-I am!

Deputy deputy mayor James hobert at your service!

All right. Hey!

The city is depending on you.

Get me a cup of coffee?

Yeah, I'd like the biggest bouquet you have

sent to Caitlin Moore at city hall.

Ooh!

And money is a gigantic o bject.

Paul, the only way you're gonna get to keep your office

is if you put Caitlin in her place.

Gladly...

That backstabbing, opportunistic hussy!

I mean to her face.

What are you, crazy?

[SINGSONG VOICE] Good afternoon!

Well, now that you're here it is.

But you know what would make it even better?

If you were dead.

I suck up to you until I'm out of suck...

And I'm out of up,

and what do you do?

You come in, you take my office!

Well, what do you say we switch roles

for a minute, okay?

How about you kiss my ass for a while?

Paul, I'm not taking your office.

I'm gonna share Mike's.

Did I forget to mention that?

What are you doing?

Rummaging around my office.

You're rummaging around Caitlin's desk.

Which is in my office.

She's made such a mess, I can't find my sunglasses.

Maybe they're on her hard drive.

Mike, I don't care what that woman has done to you.

There is no justifying this invasion of her privacy.

Come on. She fired James. You could be next.

Let's fire that baby up.

Oh, no. Look at this...

she entered the mayor in a celebrity golf tournament.

He "cheats" off in an hour.

You don't think he'd know better in a tournament?

You haven't played with the man!

He has lost all concept of right and wrong.

Oh, look, her journal.

Ooh.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

Excuse me. Thank God I'm not too late.

We've got a caddy, Mike.

I have a feeling I'm gonna win.

There's a very good reason you should not play.

I think I can hold my own against nipsey Russell.

I'm not gonna try to be delicate about this.

You cheat.

That's absurd!

Sir...

Maybe I should go make an excuse to the organizers.

No, no, no, I'd still like to play.

Who knows?

Maybe I'm good.

I want to see your score card before you sign it, sir,

and no running with the ball.

That could have been really bad.

Caitlin, I know the mayor better than anyone else.

He gets testy in the afternoon,

he has never seen the second act of a play...

Son of a...

...and he's an extremely sore loser.

And then he cheats.

Even nipsey knows.

Mike... Nikki.

Apparently, you told Carter to tell James to tell Paul

to tell janelle to tell me something?

By the time your message got back around to me,

here's what it had been twisted into...

you don't think we broke up.

Wow.

Can you tell janelle to tell Paul to tell Carter

to tell James, "good job"?

How can you think that we're not broken up?

Look, about Heidi, like I said,

I-I can explain.

I-I don't want to hear it, Mike!

You know, you're so adept at spinning scenarios

and sounding sincere,

you just naturally go there.

It's gotten to the point where I never even know

what to believe from you.

I know it seems like I do that a lot.

But I can explain.

You are impossible.

Mike, uh, Nikki wants me to tell you

she broke your cup.

Knock, knock.

Caitlin, I just wanted to apologize.

Oh, no need to apologize, Paul.

In fact, I much prefer someone who will tell me

what's on his mind to a suck-up.

Just when I thought there was nothing more

to admire about you.

My point, Paul, is... You don't need to suck up.

That is great advice.

Paul, really, stop.

[LAUGHING] I don't think I can.

You'll just end up alienating me.

I'm aware of the irony.

Love your hair color!

MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

(BARKING)