Original subtitles

THE LITTLE TEHATER OF JEAN RENOIR

Ladies and gentlemen, here's my little theatre...

on whose stage I'll have the pleasure to illustrate...

some anecdotes which amused me and which...

I hope you'll like.

One is a Christmas tale...

which I call "The Last Christmas Eve"...

dedicated to the memory of my extraordinary collaborator...

who is unaware of this collaboration...

the great Hans-Christian Andersen.

One should choose one's masters only among the greatest.

The players in it are...

This is my territory...!

He wants to steal my place.

Since the war...

...there's no morality, anymore.

I'm drunk...

All Christmas you drink and look for girls...

You follow tradition or you don't.

I'm freezing!

At Christmas you freeze and in August you sweat...

Let's go in before I catch pneumonia!

I'm starving!

Let me first contemplate the perfectly conventional decor...

of this restaurant...

I adore the conventional!

Christmas is our civilization's most successful clich�...

And that's its charm.

The world's made up of contrasts...

or it was, before "progress" levelled everything...

Soon there'll be no cold nor warm...

nor rich nor poor, it'll all be the same... a real drag!

Because the very idea of equality is a drag.

I've a toothache...

Try a scotch with Cayenne pepper... it's infallible.

Caviar in a large salad bowl with big spoons...

so it'll look impressive...

And for me, salami and red wine.

Mouton-Rothschild?

No, vin ordinaire

Isn't it marvelous?

That bum...

I've an idea...

What can he be telling him?

He's telling him about the healthfulness...

of out-door life, naturally!

Oh, my tooth!

My Christmas is always a bust... my boyfriend dines with his wife.

He's giving him money.

He's nuts!

But he's backing my film!

You better watch him.

The old fellow can't believe it...

Gontran always exaggerates.

Always showing off.

He can afford it.

And he wouldn't pay my rent!

How's that for expressing hunger?

I paid him to look through the window...

and watch us eat

so your pleasure will be enhanced

by being stared at by someone who's starving.

Oh, my tooth!

It's a wisdom tooth.

Aren't the shortest jokes the best, old boy?

I'm delighted... it's a Shakespearean situation.

I agree, it's absolutely Shakespearean.

A wisdom tooth's no joke!

Not eating?

No, I'm not hungry.

I've had enough, I'm going... you're disgusting.

I don't want ever to see you again.

I'm going too.

Really!

They just didn't understand!

The turkey now?

I loathe turker!

The service was unsatisfactory, Mr. Gontran?

We must get rid of that bum!

We could give him the left-overs...

Very good idea!

Say, old boy, how about a little supper?

Yes, caviar, foie gras, turkey, a nice bottle of champagne...

Or two...

It depends... I'm very particular about champagne...

..I like it dry...

Note that I didn't ask for it... still, it must be the best.

He's priceless!

You'll be satisfied.

Good, because otherwise I'll complain...

You seem very intelligent...

No, I'm a real idiot, but life teaches you things...

I'll find a bench...

...nearby...

We're fixing you a real banquet.

And leave that windows... you're annoying people...

I was paid to stay.

They've left, already.

Oh, in that case...!

Well, my friend...

And don't call me your friend!

Very right and proper, Captain.

...and don't forget...

...the silver, eh? I hate eating with my fingers.

None of that Henry V stuff, eh?

VIII...

Henry VIII, of course...

Utensils for two, please...

Yes, a conquest...

Young? Pretty?

Young... pretty... the prettiest in town...

We'll bring it right away... meanwhile, please...

...move away a bit.

Isn't he handsome!

Must be his makeup. he's too perfect...

What a makeup!

I'll invite him to supper...

To be hugged by that wreck must be something...

Anyway, I'll give him my cape.

"Clothe him who is naked..."

Now to put the feedbag on, eh?

Let's say, some supper.

With pleasure not to see you again...

The pleasure will be mine.

Well, my good fellow...

how goes it?

How nice to meet one who looks...

as happy as you.

Anything you'd like?

Make a wish...

I'd like to play Santa Claus...

this Christmas Eve.

Make it quick, I'm freezing!

It's my heaven-sent chance to do a good deed...

Tell me, what would you like most?

Help me carry my packages.

Some kidder, eh?

I was worried you wouldn't return...

How could you think such a thing!

I've no life without you...

And without you I'm bored.

My, that's serious!

Very serious!

Cold, hunger... one can manage those... but boredom!

I'm so weak...

I feel my legs won't support me anymore...

I couldn't die without you!

Nor could I...!

We'll never part...

Never...

Day and night...

we'll hold each other's hand...

Even for a treasure, like a whole cigarette...

a glass of wine...

or a piece of sausage...

we'll never leave each other.

If you were run over... away from me...

they'd bury you...

but what would I do all alone?

And I...?

You'll always hold my hand?

And we'll die together?

What's that?

A cape.

You met Santa Claus?

A bushel of Santa Clauses!

That explains your overcoat...

And the cape and this supper...

Champagne, caviar, foie gras!

A supper worthy of you.

Darling...

I left your hand...

It's the cape's fault...

it made me forget my vow...

Give me your hand...

What a beautiful night!

The clouds are dissolving to reveal the stars, and how they glitter...!

It's to celebrate the birth of a child...

and our young love

I remember Christmas in our chateau...

We were alone...

except for the servants...

What perfect servants they were...

of the old school...

they knew how to be devoted without becoming familiar...

I had called for musicians...

for just us two...

The salon was lit, and we danced...

just us two, us two alone... it was divine...

Yes, it was divine...

This game is hideous! Let's stop this delirium...!

The splendor of an imaginary past doesn't lessen our present misery!

We had no chateau...

no servants...

We did...

I never saw a mink close before.

You've forgotten...

We're poor, poorer than the poorest...

and we always were.

We're rich in memories...

Made-up memories.

They're the best kind.

My darling.

Oh, my darling!

We're too old for that...

No...

Now we'll rest on our big canopied bed...

in our chateau.

We haven't had our supper.

I'll be for the poor.

Hey, look... they swiped our spot!

The skunks!

They're sound asleep.

They're dead...

Let's have some grub.

What I don't get is that they look happy...

Happy? When you die of the cold?

We continue with "THE ELECTRIC WAXER"...

This one's an opera...

well, at least there are songs...

choruses commenting on the action, etc...

It's also very tropical...

being about man vs. the machine.

The struggle is acted out by...

Subway... office...

Office... subway...

Credit accounts...

Duplicators...

Manipulators...

Contracts... projects...

Subway... office...

Office... subway...

Perfect nylons, subtle makeup...

Youth is passing...

Life is slowing...

Who'll give me back the sweet days...

Of my first misconducts...

The kisses in the corner of a doorway...

The illusory promises...

The slaps of my poor father...

The yells of my mother...

Subway... office... Office... subway...

Emilie!

My floor!

I've been promoted to 2nd Clerk!

Look what you did!

Just think...! I'm 2nd Clerk!

The scuffs, if you please!

Now listen, this is important...

The First Clerk, Dufourneau, is retiring...

about time, too... after 52 years...

and the 2nd Clerk, Lamorille, replaces him.

And I replace the 2nd Clerk!

The office is giving me a party tonight...

and you're invited, naturally.

Get dressed, the maid will do your floor.

Leave my floor to a maid?!

I'd rather die!

Don't exaggerate...

You don't understand...

a gleaming floor e a household's glory...

by which you're judged...

A well waxed floor is, for a proper wife...

what pearls, a mink coat, or a Rolls-Royce are for a whore.

Have it varnished.

Never!

A varnished floor is vulgar.

I want an electric waxer.

Yes, electric.

Look, I work all day in a noisy office...

The clack of the "noiseless" typewriters unnerves me...

A waxer isn't very noisy.

We have a vacuum cleaner, washing machine...

mixer, dryer, air-conditioner... it's enough.

Now let's be serious.

I've been made 2nd Clerk...

and to be 2nd Clerk at 35, well, it's pretty nice.

You ought to hug me, congratulate.

You'll get a raise?

Of course...

Then you'll buy me my electric waxer?

You know the annual insanity rate?

127,682...

And the percentage of noise-induced cases?

27,5%...

I should...

Try it!

You will buy it for me, won't you?

She'll drive me nuts!

On the guillotine, she's demand her waxer!

Quick, dress, or we'll be late.

For my party, celebrating my promotion!

I'm going back to my mother.

Good riddance. I'm taking a bath.

The towels are mine!

They're mine!

No, they're mine!

The towels are mine!

At last there's something going on...

In our neighborhood...

Let's thank our considerate neighbors...

For this entertainment...

For this free show.

Nothing is more exciting...

Than other people's troubles

They make life bearable

It's better than the movies

Other people's troubles...

The troubles of others

And our blessed bread.

I left my innocence heart

In the fog

My heart sick with bitterness.

My bruised heart

My child's heart

What comes after "My child's heart" in Noel Fox's song?

My crumb-tray...

You don't think I'll leave my grandfather's crumb-tray.

He was a gentleman, who wouldn't have refused me an electric waxer.

Emilie, your obstinacy is delicious. You'll get your waxer.

The end of that song, I found it.

Company?

Maybe it's a telegram of congratulations,

or our escort to the party.

Where is Madame?

The walls of the chateau of Loches

smothered the protests of Cardinal de la Balue

imprisoned by Louis XI.

Those times are over.

If the think walls of modern houses

don't make for intimacy between neighbors

they at least reveal their little habits.

I represent the Magnetotum Waxer.

I'm also your next door neighbor.

For instance, I know your favorite records

I share your taste for Noel Fox

I know all your habits

You take many baths, very right and proper.

I'm also a witness, unintentional,

I don't listen behind walls

to your little quarrels.

The one about the electric waxer

touched me particularly

which explains my sudden appearance here.

Excuse me, I was taking a bath.

I must dress.

I was just promoted, friends are waiting.

Congratulations!

May I touch it?

Even better, try it.

First we must clean up this dirt.

Here is the contact switch

Before you plug the machine in

be sure it is...

set for "Off"

"Off" means closed

"On" means open

I see a little "Off" and a little "On"

Wonderful, wonderful!

I'm set for "Off"...

I plug it in...

I take a little wax...

not too much...

too much wax cakes up...

disgracefully

You must use it

de-li-cate-ly...

Try it.

Wait, I want my husband to see.

I'm going to use the waxer

See? Your floor's already different

Like day and night!

I admit that

Gustave, darling, kiss me.

Gustave, answer me!

Let us bow our heads before these mortal remains

Let us praise

This model citizen.

Let us pray that in Eternity

He'll receive his just reward.

Let's congratulate this model husband

For taking out a good insurance policy

His wife's position will now be

very comfortable.

God bless him

Goodbye office

Goodbye subway

TO GUSTAVE MICHONNET, HERO OF HOUSEHOLD PROGRESS

Gustave, Gustave, I'll mourn you all my life

Until my very end!

These people are messing up my floor

I can't very well ask them to

wipe their feet on the doormat

When one is in deep mourning

It's just not done.

Gustave, how will I live without you?

Don't you recognize me?

I'm Jules, Jules Perdreau, your childhood sweetheart!

I heard about your husband's passing.

I used to have a mustache.

It's the mustache!

I came to comfort you.

The Chinese eat it with chopsticks.

If you were Chinese, what would you eat with chopsticks?

Rice?

Rice! Thanks.

Emilie, you forgot our agreement.

No waxing when I'm home.

There's a spot.

Wax it when I'm away.

Let me have just 5 minutes of waxing.

5 minutes.

5 little minutes

How do you like that? I tamed her.

My dear Emilie,

I work all week in an office.

Where six perfumed blondes, very agreeable,

deafen me with the clacking of their little typewriters,

the so-called "noiseless" type.

So when I'm home,

I want deliverance from all mechanical noises.

Understand?

Did you understand?

She understood!

I'm going back to my mother.

Oh waxer dear

Let me hug you tight

What exquisite intoxication!

What grand excitation!

I'm becoming all aflutter

It's coming

I feel it in my skin

I feel it in my breasts

I'm going to burst into blossom

It's no longer a phantasm

It's him, at last... at last!

Murderer!

To assault a human being

Is blameable

But to assault a machine

Is abominable!

Human beings

multiply

and, anyway, they're too many.

Over-population

is today's great problem.

You!

And you!

You asked for it.

Go see, I can't.

Emilie's sacrifice

Her halo of glory

And Jule's infamous sacrilege

Will live in history.

Dead machines do not revive

Irremediable is their remise.

Men are born and they grow

They grow like mushrooms

It's necessary to stop them.

The pill isn't enough

Men grow and grow

Machines die and don't revive.

I'll always love you, I promise

My darling, my love

And we'll have lots of children!

I invite you now to join me

in a brief invocation of the period known as "La Belle Epoque".

But I don't delude myself

that it was all that gay.

It had its injustices, its cruelties

but I like it.

For this short interlude Jeanne Moreau

agreed to lend us her beauty and her talent.

And now for "The King of Yvelot",

which is the little of a song by Beranger,

a popular old song which

the hero of my story liked to hum

hence the title.

This anecdote is a tribute to a virtue

which has all but disappeared, alas

the virtue of "tolerance".

It is also a tribute to that increasingly popular French game

of bowls.

It is played by...

Now I'll throw the first bowl to open the game.

As you see, it's a small one.

but then, my theatre is small too.

Curtain up and the game starts.

Too far.

A yard off.

I'll knock it away.

How's that, eh?

Duvallier, you're a cuckold.

I've never seen such luck!

Not luck... skill.

Luck or skill, let's have a drink.

What'll you have?

Thanks, I'm going home.

I don't blame you.

So would I, to one like Mme. Duvallier.

You don't deserve such happiness.

That's why you call me a cuckold?

Heavens! Mme. Duvallier's an angel!

A fallen angel.

Satan, too, was an angel.

Always joking, eh? Always jolly.

I know what I know,

and I don't trust your godless ideas of beauty.

It's a devil's trap.

Are you referring to my wife?

Her and others.

Where are you going?

To pray.

For forgiveness?

Who laughs last, laughs best.

You've a mirror home?

Where there's a woman,

there's always a mirror.

Approach your wife at a mirror and

stand beside her,

and look.

At what?

You and her.

Joly, you're a mean man.

You're like the girl in the tale who, whenever she opened her mouth

toads sprang out.

I'll play you 10 points.

I play bowls? That's for loafers!

I'll be late because of your nonsense!

Hello, Mr. Duvallier.

Yes, I know, your land, don't sell it, don't...

It's worth a lot.

Who said so?

Mr. Joly.

These days, money is paper.

Land is always land.

Why won't you marry me?

Why let me kiss you then?

Because I like it.

Then let's get married.

Marry him.

With his father's butcher shop, he'll be a Croesus!

My steak!

Paulette, come here.

Why don't you marry him?

There's someone else?

You've been so kind, and Madame, too.

I don't always want to be a maid.

I want to be a hetaera, like Camille, or Messalina.

Beautiful!

I'd live grandly and my lovers would commit suicide for me.

Before you go into mourning, see to the ravioli.

Where's Madame?

Resting. She said she had a headache.

It's the weather, a storm's brewing.

Storms give headaches?

They say,

not me.

Wait till you're a great courtesan and you'll see.

The kitchen faucet drips ever since it was fixed.

We'll get a new plumber.

Good, the old one kissed badly.

Not well?

Just nerves, all women have it.

They shouldn't.

That's the way we are.

"The way we are!"

I hate ready-made ideas.

I'm really just nervous.

I've a nervous wife and a maid who thinks she's Messalina.

One day I'll wake thinking I'm Napoleon.

Nervous?

I don't know, little things.

A tickling under my skin,

a feeling like wanting to run, to yell...

to roll on the ground on the village square.

That would please Mr. Joly.

You don't believe me?

Oh, it's quite obvious you're nervous alright.

I'm upsetting you, I've really a nasty character.

You're the most exquisite of wives,

and I, I'm a big egoist.

A moment ago, playing bowls, I thought of you,

though I needn't play bowls for that.

And in your absence I fret.

I've a remedy to propose,

which will chase away, once and for all, your nervousness.

Veronal?

No, no drugs.

We must get at the root.

And you know the root?

I think so.

I'm old and you're young.

Isabelle, we should separate.

You're just saying anything.

I've much more.

I've a big bear who needs looking after.

Without you I couldn't live.

Linda swallowed a bone!

She can't breathe!

Do something!

Do what?

If anything happened to her I'd... I'd

Hello, Dr. Feraud?

Hurry, doctor... she'll die!

That's the patient?

She swallowed a bone.

And my wife's got a case of nerves.

I need a table.

The kitchen table.

Take her, I can't watch it.

You won't hurt her, doctor?

Hold her hind legs, please,

and you her fore-legs.

Will you put her to sleep?

There you are.

Don't be bashful, kiss my wife.

I've never eaten, I mean...

I've never eaten such an excellent p�t�.

It's really very good.

Made by Isabelle.

So you're settled in the country...

I'm not very ambitious.

I've a few patients, I like taking it easy.

Finally, someone who's as lazy as I am.

and who admits it.

Why do people today consider work as a virtue?

I brag about my laziness.

You know the song, "The King of Yvetot"...

There was a King of Yvetot, Whom history little knows,

Early to bed and late to rise,

No glory marked his repose

His crown was from Jeanneton,

A nightcap of cotton, ronron.

The King of Yvetot, that's me!

Fish, forester style.

Allow me.

Watch it, dear.

Sorry.

What style did you say?

It's fish.

Granted, only you forgot to cook it.

We're out of butane gas.

Then Amed�e came, all excited.

He'll get the butcher shop, but I won't be...

a butcher's wife.

She wants to be a hetaera.

But you can be both butcher's wife and a hetaera.

Take it away, we can't eat it.

I'll make some spaghetti.

Is the little pooch alright?

Thanks to you.

Darling, give me a straw.

It's delicious.

Andre fixed the frigidaire, now we'll have cold drinks.

Get more glasses and call Andr�,

so we can drink together.

He's busy.

Fixing the bathroom faucet.

About time.

He couldn't earlier, he filled the wine-bottles.

He fixed the garden tap, too. He's a marvel, that boy!

Go get him.

Give me a wrench.

Here.

I finished the bathroom.

I found another little thing that needed fixing.

Edmond wants us to drink with him.

Bring glasses and orgeat syrup.

Now it won't leak anymore.

He'll be glad.

Are you happy?

I'm happy because he's happy.

He's a great guy.

You know what he said after I fixes his carburetor this morning?

"Andr�", he said, "what would I do without you?"

He's very nice.

Why don't we try the car and see if the carburetor's ok now?

Good idea.

I'll have to paint that bench.

Let's refresh ourselves!

Come, Linda, we're going for a drive.

Ah, Mr. Joly! Going in for potato farming?

What do I owe?

At 10 cents a point, 3 francs.

I think you lose on purpose.

What an idea! Why?

To please me.

I wouldn't, even to please you.

What's for dinner?

I'll do it, I'll make ravioli.

I adore ravioli!

Watch your cholesterol.

I don't exercise enough. I'll play some bowls.

Come along?

And my ravioli?

He's making the ravioli.

Ah, yes, the ravioli.

See you later, darling.

Paulette, for the ravioli get me some...

flour, butter, salt, pepper...

and the pastry board.

I wonder if...

I should make chicken or spinach ravioli?

I'll make them with ham.

You've lots of time, come.

Funny, but I feel remorse. It can't last.

He's happy whenever I'm happy,

so you needn't feel remorse.

Hi, Skipper!

Hello, C�sar, how goes it?

Not too well, Skipper.

I'm so thirsty, I can't think!

Been at it again, eh?

No, no... not that, Skipper.

Pity an old hungry sailor...

and a thirsty one.

You wouldn't refuse me a mite, between sailors.

I'll give something but, frankly, it's to down a couple, no?

To your health, Skipper!

To your health, Sir! One-two, one-two...

I forgot my wallet, I'll go back for it.

Wait here, be patient.

Would you have a fag, Skipper?

Are you all set now?

What are you doing?

Preparing the ravioli.

Here? Now that's an idea.

Where's Madame?

I don't know.

You don't know?

And Mr. Andr�?

I don't know... I...

Move away.

Oh, Mr. Duvallier, don't go in there, don't go in!

Get up.

You're right.

I shouldn't go in.

If your wife cheated, what would you do?

Nothing, I haven't got a wife!

But that's too much, Skipper.

Seamon C�sar...

Your orders are... to get plastered,

like you've never been plastered before.

Aye, aye, Sir!

If your wife cheated, what would you do?

My wife cheated? She's too old.

If your wife had a lover...

what would you do?

Kill'em both.

You love her so?

I wouldn't like being a jerk.

Of course.

Question of honor, no?

What misery!

I'll regret it all my life.

Ah yes, what misery!

And it's all my fault.

If we'd remained just friends, we'd still be happy..

and so would he.

Will I see you again?

You think he'll return?

Yes, he loves you.

Yes, but only when I'm happy.

When I'm unhappy, I upset him,

and if you leave, I'll be unhappy.

It's not just us three.

There's public opinion.

Captain Duvallier can't overlook such an insult.

People will know?

Such news travels fast.

Oh, if you knew, if you knew!

I was preparing the flour...

for the ravioli...

They were caught together, what a scandal!

I'll play you 13 points, OK?

I've something to tell you.

Nothing, it can wait. Let's play.

What's funny?

Your clumsiness, which contradicts the proverb...

"Luck in game, unlucky in love."

I'll knock you block off!

You're a brute.

A dirty brute!

Joly, you're a mean man.

From Mr. Feraud.

Idiot!

Ah, there you are!

Why are we in this God-forsaken place?

To avoid witnesses, Mr. Duvallier.

"Mr."? Yesterday you called me Edmond.

And why that get-up?

Wouldn't you admit that life has certain delicate moments...

when serious explanations are called for...

explanations requiring a certain decorum?

I don't understand a word of your murky talk.

The situation is only too clear, alas, with but a sole solution,

I see.

What do you have there?

Pistols, Mr. Duvallier.

That's your sole solution?

And, naturally, you'd have kept the unloaded one for yourself.

I'm very unhappy.

I can't... imagine life... without Isabelle.

nor, I must confess... without you...

That's why you want to make me a murderer?

You won't duel?

Certainly not!

What'll I do? Beat it? Go to China?

You'd do that to me?

You'd abandon your King of Yvetot?

What'll I do without you?

And my wife?

Think of her.

You're selfish!

What about convention?

I don't care a hoot about convention,

and you shouldn't either.

That would be a revolution!

Revolutions make life bearable.

Revolutions in the kitchen, the bedroom, the village square...

tempests in a tea cup.

We'd better play some bowls.

Edmond, you're an extraordinary man!

Oh, come on.

To get Isabelle.

Skipper, I followed your advice.

I got royally plastered.

Bring my wife some refreshment while I'm playing.

I'll play you 13 points, OK?

They defy us, but he who laughs last etc...

Duvallier, you're a cuckold!

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