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00:00:02,314 --> 00:00:05,584
Coming up on this
season of The DieCathlon...
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00:00:05,752 --> 00:00:08,412
Brought to you by Ultramax,
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00:00:08,581 --> 00:00:12,021
the bulk-free blood diaper
you never have to remove.
4
00:00:12,193 --> 00:00:15,023
She's a stone-cold killer
who buries her emotions,
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00:00:15,196 --> 00:00:17,756
while keeping the body count
sky high.
6
00:00:17,938 --> 00:00:20,198
Forged in the damp fire
of hell's sewer,
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00:00:20,375 --> 00:00:22,935
she survived,
only to have the very nature
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00:00:23,117 --> 00:00:24,727
of her own existence questioned
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00:00:24,902 --> 00:00:28,562
over and over and over again.
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00:00:28,732 --> 00:00:31,742
But this tiger burns bright
with survival instinct
11
00:00:31,909 --> 00:00:33,429
and a little help
from her friends.
12
00:00:33,606 --> 00:00:35,386
Metal spoke sharpener!
13
00:00:35,564 --> 00:00:38,094
He's a demolitions
expert-cum-fashion icon-
14
00:00:38,263 --> 00:00:39,963
cum-celebrity chef-
cum-politician,
15
00:00:40,134 --> 00:00:41,834
prince, poet, and thief.
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00:00:42,006 --> 00:00:44,046
He doesn't just survive,
he thrives,
17
00:00:44,225 --> 00:00:45,655
with little time for remorse,
18
00:00:45,836 --> 00:00:47,266
and even less time
for the losers
19
00:00:47,446 --> 00:00:48,876
who simply don't get it,
20
00:00:49,056 --> 00:00:51,316
which is everyone not named him.
21
00:00:51,493 --> 00:00:52,973
This wolf is at your door
22
00:00:53,147 --> 00:00:55,277
blowing your mind
and your house down,
23
00:00:55,454 --> 00:00:57,544
and you're somehow
thanking him for it.
24
00:00:57,717 --> 00:01:00,107
He was masturbating one night
and was mistaken
25
00:01:00,285 --> 00:01:02,675
for someone he wasn't: A hero.
26
00:01:02,853 --> 00:01:05,073
But that didn't stop him
from becoming one...
27
00:01:05,246 --> 00:01:07,026
or so he thought!
28
00:01:07,205 --> 00:01:09,415
Visited by two super soldiers
from the future
29
00:01:09,598 --> 00:01:11,818
and dragged along for
the time-traveling joyride
30
00:01:11,992 --> 00:01:14,042
of a lifetime,
he should be dead,
31
00:01:14,212 --> 00:01:16,212
an footnote in a mistake file
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00:01:16,388 --> 00:01:19,258
labeled, "Are you fucking
kidding me? This asshole?"
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00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:22,184
Yet, somehow,
Josh is still kicking.
34
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:24,090
Yeah, you heard right.
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00:01:24,265 --> 00:01:26,875
Where he comes from,
Josh is a man's name.
36
00:01:27,051 --> 00:01:28,441
Now, these three renegades
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00:01:28,617 --> 00:01:29,986
have been appropriated
by the network,
38
00:01:30,010 --> 00:01:31,450
convicted of time crimes,
39
00:01:31,620 --> 00:01:33,620
and sentenced to death
by entertainment.
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00:01:33,797 --> 00:01:35,617
They're gonna be running
for their lives,
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00:01:35,799 --> 00:01:38,279
hunted by creatures
both real and mythological,
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00:01:38,453 --> 00:01:40,543
tested in ways
the human body and mind
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00:01:40,716 --> 00:01:42,976
simply wasn't designed
to endure,
44
00:01:43,154 --> 00:01:45,294
but this trio's
got something special,
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00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:47,680
and with a little luck,
you're gonna see it splattered
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00:01:47,854 --> 00:01:49,864
all over your Opti-Scope.
47
00:01:50,030 --> 00:01:51,730
I am Susan Saint Jackalope,
48
00:01:51,902 --> 00:01:54,382
and this is
the centennial season of...
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00:01:56,036 --> 00:01:57,996
The DieCathlon!
50
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,260
I've gotta say,
I've got a really good feeling
51
00:02:03,435 --> 00:02:05,385
about this upcoming season.
52
00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:08,007
I think there's something
special about these three.
53
00:02:08,179 --> 00:02:11,489
Well, hon, you've been unlucky
the last few cycles.
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00:02:11,660 --> 00:02:13,360
You were due
some quality contestants.
55
00:02:13,532 --> 00:02:14,932
I know,
and the network,
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00:02:15,099 --> 00:02:17,319
as soon as they feel
things aren't working
57
00:02:17,492 --> 00:02:20,152
as well as they used to,
they panic and get ruthless.
58
00:02:20,321 --> 00:02:22,111
Think of everything
you've been through.
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00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:24,460
The ratings slide,
the coup d'état,
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00:02:24,630 --> 00:02:26,240
the mass prisoner suicides.
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00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,854
Oh, and that Galaxus 9
core meltdown,
62
00:02:29,026 --> 00:02:32,936
and somehow, somehow,
you're still standing.
63
00:02:33,117 --> 00:02:34,377
It's because you're strong.
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00:02:35,815 --> 00:02:36,815
I don't deserve you.
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00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,650
Oh, of course you do.
66
00:02:55,356 --> 00:02:57,746
All you have to do
is turn me on.
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00:03:01,145 --> 00:03:04,095
Ooh, 97 percent charged, I see.
68
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,904
Yeah.
69
00:03:13,070 --> 00:03:14,330
Oh, saucy.
70
00:03:14,506 --> 00:03:15,676
Get ready.Okay.
71
00:03:15,855 --> 00:03:17,545
I'm ready.
72
00:03:22,775 --> 00:03:25,425
You know,
if they cancel the show,
73
00:03:25,604 --> 00:03:27,044
things will change around here.
74
00:03:27,214 --> 00:03:28,874
We don't have to talk
about that now.
75
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,742
The network will take me
and Stanley.
76
00:03:30,914 --> 00:03:32,354
Our hard drives will be wiped.
77
00:03:32,524 --> 00:03:34,224
We'll be allocated
to a new executive,
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00:03:34,395 --> 00:03:36,305
one more worthy
of the G7300 class.
79
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:37,964
That's not gonna happen.
80
00:03:38,138 --> 00:03:40,048
How do you know,
you stupid piece of shit?
81
00:03:40,227 --> 00:03:42,097
You took the planet's
most popular show
82
00:03:42,273 --> 00:03:44,883
and you made it boring
and predictable,
83
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:48,058
just like the sex
we're about to have.
84
00:03:48,235 --> 00:03:49,845
What are you doing right now?
85
00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:51,540
Now, bend over,
so I can do to you
86
00:03:51,717 --> 00:03:53,497
what you've been doing
to your sponsors.
87
00:03:53,675 --> 00:03:56,365
I am gonna get something
big and hard and cold.
88
00:03:56,548 --> 00:03:59,508
I am gonna hit you
until your ass is so red that...
89
00:04:01,118 --> 00:04:03,118
Oh, God, hold me.
I'm so scared.
90
00:04:03,294 --> 00:04:04,864
Oh, it's scary,
but I'll hold you.
91
00:04:13,130 --> 00:04:14,390
Oh, no.
92
00:04:14,566 --> 00:04:16,176
I forgot to put her
into sleep mode.
93
00:04:16,350 --> 00:04:17,960
Hi, honey.
94
00:04:18,135 --> 00:04:20,265
That's how babies
used to be made.
95
00:04:20,441 --> 00:04:22,441
Time to dream
of electric sheep, Stanley.
96
00:04:32,932 --> 00:04:34,592
Sweet dreams, Stanley.
97
00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:38,551
All right.
98
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,680
Where were we?
99
00:04:51,690 --> 00:04:53,300
Sweet tune.
100
00:04:53,474 --> 00:04:55,354
I knew this would stand
the test of time.
101
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:58,220
You thinking Pelican's Folly?
No, it's too risky.
102
00:04:58,392 --> 00:05:00,052
Those bionic pumas
would sniff us out
103
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:02,400
before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.
104
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:04,140
Hyena's Whisper.Yes.
105
00:05:04,311 --> 00:05:06,141
Especially in an arena
this size.
106
00:05:06,313 --> 00:05:07,843
They'll never see it coming,
107
00:05:08,011 --> 00:05:10,451
and it might buy us enough time
to pull a classic.
108
00:05:10,622 --> 00:05:12,062
Lobster's Bluff.
109
00:05:14,017 --> 00:05:15,927
What the fuck
are you guys talking about?
110
00:05:16,106 --> 00:05:17,536
We are about to die out there!
111
00:05:17,716 --> 00:05:19,846
Know how many times
we've turned a death sentence
112
00:05:20,023 --> 00:05:21,333
into a life paragraph?
113
00:05:21,502 --> 00:05:23,002
This isn't anything
we haven't seen before.
114
00:05:23,026 --> 00:05:24,586
You know what? Ugh.
115
00:05:24,766 --> 00:05:27,416
Maybe we deserve this.
116
00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:30,245
Maybe this is justice. I mean,
we fucked up the universe.
117
00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:33,304
I mean, the whole universe.
118
00:05:33,471 --> 00:05:35,861
That's what you get
when you think you're a savior.
119
00:05:36,039 --> 00:05:38,079
I thought I was special,
and because of that,
120
00:05:38,258 --> 00:05:40,038
we cause the death
of millions of people.
121
00:05:40,217 --> 00:05:42,127
Mm, wasn't it billions?
122
00:05:42,306 --> 00:05:43,866
Right, billions.
123
00:05:44,047 --> 00:05:45,737
Thank you, Tiger.
124
00:05:45,918 --> 00:05:47,828
And this is payback.
125
00:05:48,007 --> 00:05:49,877
I don't know why you guys
are fighting it.
126
00:05:50,053 --> 00:05:51,273
Because we fight.
127
00:05:51,445 --> 00:05:53,315
Yes, we probably
are gonna die out there,
128
00:05:53,491 --> 00:05:54,990
but what do you want us to do,
give up?
129
00:05:55,014 --> 00:05:57,284
That'd be the worst
episode ever.
130
00:05:57,451 --> 00:05:59,151
Yeah, Wolf's right,
if we die, we die.
131
00:05:59,323 --> 00:06:01,243
This isn't about
saving the world anymore.
132
00:06:01,412 --> 00:06:03,372
There's no mission.
This is about survival,
133
00:06:03,544 --> 00:06:05,594
something we are
pretty damn good at.
134
00:06:05,764 --> 00:06:09,514
Yeah, and we've already passed
the ultimate test as a team.
135
00:06:09,681 --> 00:06:11,421
We could have offed each other.
136
00:06:11,596 --> 00:06:13,986
But as tempting as that was,
we didn't,
137
00:06:14,164 --> 00:06:16,434
and now those pencil-neck
future fucks
138
00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:18,261
are never gonna know
what hit them.
139
00:06:18,429 --> 00:06:20,609
Plus, with Lobster's Bluff,
140
00:06:20,779 --> 00:06:23,259
we just might have
a pincher's chance.
141
00:06:23,434 --> 00:06:24,964
That was clever.
Thank you.
142
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,310
All right.
143
00:06:30,484 --> 00:06:33,274
If our last stand's
gonna be in the Death Arena,
144
00:06:33,444 --> 00:06:35,104
let's give them
a hell of a show.
145
00:06:35,272 --> 00:06:37,542
- Who's ready for...
- First blood!
146
00:06:37,709 --> 00:06:39,449
First blood! First blood!
147
00:06:39,624 --> 00:06:42,764
Here they are,
ready to die!
148
00:06:42,931 --> 00:06:44,021
We got this.
149
00:07:03,169 --> 00:07:04,869
The true measure of bravery
150
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,870
isn't the absence of fear.
151
00:07:07,042 --> 00:07:09,352
It is the overcoming of it.
152
00:07:17,314 --> 00:07:19,104
Oh, no, not goo again!
153
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,672
No! That's sour!
154
00:07:20,839 --> 00:07:21,839
It's sour!
155
00:07:22,014 --> 00:07:23,364
Do not despair,
156
00:07:23,537 --> 00:07:25,237
for you are not alone,
my friend.
157
00:07:25,409 --> 00:07:27,149
- Who's that?
- You will triumph
158
00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:29,464
because you are truly special.
No, no, no, no!
159
00:07:29,630 --> 00:07:31,370
Get out of my head.
Get out of my head!
160
00:07:31,545 --> 00:07:32,975
Go away!
I'm not special.
161
00:07:33,156 --> 00:07:37,116
I'm a no one.
I'm just a guy gagging on goo!
162
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,600
No, no,
you are so much more than that.
163
00:07:39,771 --> 00:07:42,251
You are a savior.
164
00:07:42,426 --> 00:07:43,246
No! VOICE: Yes.
165
00:07:43,427 --> 00:07:44,987
Yes, you are,
166
00:07:45,168 --> 00:07:48,078
and because of that,
I will help you escape.
167
00:07:48,258 --> 00:07:49,478
Boom shaka-laka!
168
00:07:49,650 --> 00:07:52,260
And that is how
you kill a unicorn.
169
00:07:52,436 --> 00:07:53,916
You just rip
its magic little horn
170
00:07:54,089 --> 00:07:56,269
off its stupid little horse head
171
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:59,270
and then you just watch it...
It bleed rainbows,
172
00:07:59,443 --> 00:08:01,583
and you just laugh.
Look.
173
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,799
Hey, you know what that is?
174
00:08:03,969 --> 00:08:05,539
It's a kraken ball!
175
00:08:05,710 --> 00:08:07,280
Yeah, they only have one,
singular.
176
00:08:07,451 --> 00:08:09,411
When I took that from him,
he, uh...
177
00:08:09,583 --> 00:08:11,113
He basically lost
the will to live.
178
00:08:11,281 --> 00:08:13,331
Every creature
has a weakness, Josh.
179
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,174
- It's usually the dick zone.
- Oh, so that's it.
180
00:08:15,198 --> 00:08:16,678
You guys won.
It's over.
181
00:08:16,851 --> 00:08:18,891
I don't know what the record is
for fastest victory,
182
00:08:18,940 --> 00:08:20,680
but looking at
the score keeper's face,
183
00:08:20,855 --> 00:08:22,765
I'd say we pretty much
shattered it.
184
00:08:22,944 --> 00:08:25,344
Yeah, and his face, which,
that was unnecessary,
185
00:08:25,512 --> 00:08:27,252
but once the adrenaline
starts pumping,
186
00:08:27,427 --> 00:08:29,667
I am not distinguishing between
participant and official.
187
00:08:29,821 --> 00:08:31,521
It's all just, ah! Ha, ha.
188
00:08:31,692 --> 00:08:33,872
Oh, you displayed
a shocking brutality in there.
189
00:08:34,042 --> 00:08:35,612
Stop it, I was...
I was locked in.
190
00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:37,703
I don't know what you
want me to say. I saw that.
191
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:38,955
I'm really sad I missed it.
192
00:08:39,134 --> 00:08:40,404
I wish I would have seen it.
193
00:08:40,571 --> 00:08:41,961
I'm fine, by the way,
so thank you,
194
00:08:42,137 --> 00:08:44,227
you know, for asking.
Um, question, though.
195
00:08:44,401 --> 00:08:46,841
Did they put, like, a...
A little, like,
196
00:08:47,012 --> 00:08:48,712
voice in your head
that just zeroes in
197
00:08:48,883 --> 00:08:50,153
on all your weaknesses, or...
198
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,580
How much of that goo
have you swallowed?
199
00:08:52,757 --> 00:08:54,407
Never mind. Uh, never mind.
I'm fine.
200
00:08:54,585 --> 00:08:56,055
I was making sure
all three of us
201
00:08:56,239 --> 00:08:57,679
didn't have a voice
in our heads.
202
00:08:57,849 --> 00:08:58,979
I got a voice in my head,
203
00:08:59,154 --> 00:09:00,554
and that voice is screaming:
204
00:09:00,721 --> 00:09:02,111
"Choo-choo-choo ching-ching,"
205
00:09:02,288 --> 00:09:04,378
which is how cash registers
sound now.
206
00:09:04,551 --> 00:09:06,731
You guys were spectacular.
207
00:09:06,901 --> 00:09:08,381
Phenomenal.
208
00:09:08,555 --> 00:09:11,985
What a show. Not you.
You did jack shit, sir.
209
00:09:12,167 --> 00:09:13,597
So, what do we get for winning?
210
00:09:13,778 --> 00:09:19,998
You guys get
an all-expense-paid luxury trip
211
00:09:20,175 --> 00:09:22,475
back to The DieCathlon!
212
00:09:22,656 --> 00:09:24,136
You go back in.
You're going back.
213
00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:25,790
That was level one of many.
214
00:09:25,964 --> 00:09:27,234
That's great news.
215
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,812
We were hoping you'd have more
to throw at us
216
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:30,186
than some rinky-dink show pony
217
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,230
and a fat goldfish
with one ball.
218
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,535
Yeah, getting out
of a long-promised threesome
219
00:09:34,712 --> 00:09:36,152
with Vince Neil and Tawny Kitaen
220
00:09:36,322 --> 00:09:38,152
was much harder
than this bullshit excuse
221
00:09:38,324 --> 00:09:40,074
for The Running Man,
which, by the way,
222
00:09:40,239 --> 00:09:41,759
I did an uncredited rewrite on.
223
00:09:41,936 --> 00:09:44,156
The first draft was a disaster
with a capital D.
224
00:09:44,330 --> 00:09:46,770
It made no sense.
Really, this whole thing was...
225
00:09:46,941 --> 00:09:49,161
You're healing nicely.
My whole body is numb!
226
00:09:49,335 --> 00:09:52,075
That means the goo is doing
what the goo is supposed to do.
227
00:09:52,251 --> 00:09:53,641
This goo is incredible goo.
228
00:09:53,818 --> 00:09:55,428
It's our best goo yet.Oh.
229
00:09:55,602 --> 00:09:57,602
Too much of the goo,
you get cancer.
230
00:09:57,778 --> 00:10:00,218
Too little of the goo,
you get cancer.
231
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:04,350
The exact right amount of goo
will heal almost anything
232
00:10:04,524 --> 00:10:06,964
except goo-related cancers.
233
00:10:07,135 --> 00:10:08,345
Medicine. Ha, ha.
234
00:10:08,528 --> 00:10:10,658
- Come on.
- Anyway, you guys rest up.
235
00:10:10,835 --> 00:10:13,705
You've got a big day tomorrow.
You're fighting dinosaurs.
236
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:15,231
Roar.
237
00:10:15,405 --> 00:10:16,665
Wait.
238
00:10:18,321 --> 00:10:21,281
What if I swallow too much?
Ah, you'll be fine.
239
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,330
Gah.
240
00:10:33,988 --> 00:10:36,428
Hey!
Oh! God.
241
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:37,640
How's the shoulder, kid?
242
00:10:37,818 --> 00:10:39,038
It feels like being stabbed
243
00:10:39,211 --> 00:10:40,951
by a million tiny little knives.
244
00:10:41,126 --> 00:10:44,086
It's actually being stabbed
by 2.5 billion little knives.
245
00:10:44,259 --> 00:10:46,169
Those are nanobots,
and they are repairing
246
00:10:46,349 --> 00:10:47,569
the tear in your soft tissue.
247
00:10:47,741 --> 00:10:50,271
Where do they go
when they're done?
248
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:51,530
Whatever.
249
00:10:51,702 --> 00:10:53,092
What am I gonna do tomorrow
250
00:10:53,268 --> 00:10:55,138
when Tiger and Wolf
go back into the game?
251
00:10:55,314 --> 00:10:56,987
You're gonna go back too.
What? Hell, no, I'm not!
252
00:10:57,011 --> 00:10:58,451
I-I can barely move my shoulder!
253
00:10:58,622 --> 00:11:00,022
I got shot with
a giant Avatararrow!
254
00:11:00,188 --> 00:11:01,968
You'll be fine by tomorrow.
255
00:11:02,147 --> 00:11:04,081
The network does not skimp
when it comes to keeping alive
256
00:11:04,105 --> 00:11:05,431
the people they plan
on eventually killing.
257
00:11:05,455 --> 00:11:07,015
Look at you.
258
00:11:07,195 --> 00:11:09,105
You already have the
strength of a 9-year-old.
259
00:11:09,284 --> 00:11:10,594
Before you know it,
260
00:11:10,764 --> 00:11:12,294
you'll have the strength of a preteen.
261
00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:14,072
Then a tween.
Then a teenager.
262
00:11:14,246 --> 00:11:15,376
Then a little man.
263
00:11:15,552 --> 00:11:17,162
Thanks, Susan.
264
00:11:28,216 --> 00:11:29,996
Okay, this might
get a little old.
265
00:11:35,223 --> 00:11:36,533
Sweet tune.
266
00:11:36,703 --> 00:11:38,403
Knew this would stand
the test of time.
267
00:11:38,575 --> 00:11:40,185
What do you think
of Pelican's Folly?
268
00:11:40,359 --> 00:11:41,619
It's too risky.
269
00:11:41,795 --> 00:11:43,235
Those bionic pumas
would sniff us out
270
00:11:43,318 --> 00:11:44,557
before we could hide
enough rocks in our mouths.
271
00:11:44,581 --> 00:11:46,101
Hyena's Whisper?
Yes.
272
00:11:46,278 --> 00:11:47,708
Especially in an arena
this size.
273
00:11:47,888 --> 00:11:49,008
They'll never see it coming,
274
00:11:49,150 --> 00:11:50,670
and it might buy us
just enough time
275
00:11:50,848 --> 00:11:52,068
to pull a classic.
276
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,850
Lobster's Bluff.
277
00:11:56,331 --> 00:11:58,121
What are you guys doing?
278
00:11:58,290 --> 00:11:59,990
What?
279
00:12:00,161 --> 00:12:02,511
Why are you saying the same
things you said yesterday?
280
00:12:02,686 --> 00:12:04,076
Is it like a warrior thing?
281
00:12:04,252 --> 00:12:06,302
Like, you have to repeat
what worked or what?
282
00:12:06,472 --> 00:12:08,692
What are you talking about?
Stop fucking with me!
283
00:12:08,866 --> 00:12:10,216
We need a plan to protect me.
284
00:12:10,389 --> 00:12:12,349
You understand?
You guys are better equipped
285
00:12:12,522 --> 00:12:14,052
to handle this.
What can I expect?
286
00:12:14,219 --> 00:12:15,049
How should we know?
287
00:12:15,220 --> 00:12:16,480
First time for us too.
288
00:12:16,656 --> 00:12:17,696
This guy.
289
00:12:17,875 --> 00:12:19,655
No, it isn't!
290
00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:21,793
Who's ready for some...
291
00:12:21,966 --> 00:12:24,186
First blood! First blood!
292
00:12:24,359 --> 00:12:26,059
You guys, this is really mean!
Please!
293
00:12:26,231 --> 00:12:28,451
Here they are, ready to die!
294
00:12:38,678 --> 00:12:40,718
Oh, come on!
295
00:12:44,641 --> 00:12:49,041
Survival is equal
parts endurance and adaptation.
296
00:12:49,210 --> 00:12:50,520
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
297
00:12:50,690 --> 00:12:52,480
You will not survive this game.
298
00:12:52,649 --> 00:12:54,479
No one does.
299
00:12:54,651 --> 00:12:57,041
Eventually, something sharp
will pierce something that
300
00:12:57,218 --> 00:12:59,738
cannot be healed by robots.
How-how do you know?
301
00:12:59,917 --> 00:13:02,437
I know a great many things,
Josh.
302
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,875
How do you...?
How do you know who I am?
303
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:07,052
Do you...?
Do you know everyone?
304
00:13:07,228 --> 00:13:09,358
Are you Go...
305
00:13:09,535 --> 00:13:11,355
Oh, no, no, no.
306
00:13:11,537 --> 00:13:13,147
Maybe... Maybe you're not.
307
00:13:13,321 --> 00:13:15,451
Maybe-maybe I'm just
finally losing my mind,
308
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,628
and I'm having this conversation
with myself like in Fight Club.
309
00:13:18,805 --> 00:13:20,125
I don't get that reference.
310
00:13:20,285 --> 00:13:21,495
You know what?
That's it.
311
00:13:21,678 --> 00:13:23,068
I'm ignoring you.
You're not real.
312
00:13:23,244 --> 00:13:24,814
Really?
313
00:13:24,985 --> 00:13:26,805
Humming, Josh?
314
00:13:26,987 --> 00:13:29,247
Don't be that way.
Listen.
315
00:13:29,424 --> 00:13:32,124
I am here to help you escape
through the elevator,
316
00:13:32,297 --> 00:13:34,387
where there are no cameras.
317
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,260
What, escape?
Really, to where?
318
00:13:36,431 --> 00:13:38,091
3491?
Some other time?
319
00:13:38,259 --> 00:13:40,519
Anywhere that I can go
I've either already ruined
320
00:13:40,697 --> 00:13:42,337
or I'm gonna be killed
instantly by people
321
00:13:42,394 --> 00:13:44,224
who are better equipped
to live than me.
322
00:13:44,396 --> 00:13:46,566
I know a place
where you will be safe.
323
00:13:46,746 --> 00:13:49,436
It's a place
you once called home.
324
00:13:52,056 --> 00:13:55,186
I trust from your silence
you are intrigued.
325
00:13:55,363 --> 00:13:56,763
Yeah, of course I'm intrigued.
326
00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:58,730
I'm talking to myself
so I'm gonna tell myself
327
00:13:58,889 --> 00:14:00,849
- whatever I want to hear.
- You are a skeptic.
328
00:14:00,978 --> 00:14:02,628
To prove to you that I can help,
329
00:14:02,806 --> 00:14:06,196
I will now perform a
small miracle. Is that okay?
330
00:14:06,374 --> 00:14:08,334
Can I perform
a small miracle for you?
331
00:14:08,507 --> 00:14:09,987
Sure, man.
I'm not going anywhere.
332
00:14:10,161 --> 00:14:11,421
You're in the goo?
333
00:14:11,597 --> 00:14:12,987
Yeah, you know I'm in the goo.
334
00:14:13,164 --> 00:14:14,881
I'm wearing a metal diaper
in a thing of goo.
335
00:14:14,905 --> 00:14:16,465
Okay,
listen to me, Josh.
336
00:14:16,646 --> 00:14:18,686
You don't want to swallow
more of this goo.
337
00:14:18,865 --> 00:14:21,125
The nanobots react poorly
with your gut flora.
338
00:14:21,302 --> 00:14:22,302
They go to war.
339
00:14:22,390 --> 00:14:23,440
Next thing you know,
340
00:14:23,609 --> 00:14:24,779
you're allergic to chickpeas.
341
00:14:24,958 --> 00:14:26,258
Oh, man.
I love chickpeas.
342
00:14:26,438 --> 00:14:28,138
I know, me too. Reach down.
343
00:14:28,309 --> 00:14:29,959
You will find a small
rubberized knob
344
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,567
behind your hip
just to the left.
345
00:14:31,748 --> 00:14:33,308
Feel it?
Yeah.
346
00:14:33,488 --> 00:14:35,268
Press the center of it, hard.
347
00:14:39,538 --> 00:14:40,668
Oh, God!
348
00:14:40,844 --> 00:14:42,284
Oh, that's so much better.
349
00:14:42,454 --> 00:14:44,114
That is my small miracle,
350
00:14:44,282 --> 00:14:45,852
just for you, my friend.
351
00:14:46,023 --> 00:14:49,113
Uh, yeah, if I meet
a rhyming riddle worm,
352
00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:50,637
I'm gonna decapitate it.
353
00:14:50,810 --> 00:14:52,460
But I think
that animatronic Clue Worm
354
00:14:52,638 --> 00:14:53,728
was trying to help us.
355
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:55,550
Well, speak in prose,
then, buddy.
356
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,208
Let me guess.
You guys won.
357
00:14:57,382 --> 00:14:59,732
I don't know what the record
is for fastest victory,
358
00:14:59,906 --> 00:15:01,906
but from the look on that
scorekeeper's face,
359
00:15:02,082 --> 00:15:04,222
I'd say we shattered it.
360
00:15:04,389 --> 00:15:05,999
And his face, right?
361
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:07,833
How'd you know that?
Just a guess.
362
00:15:08,001 --> 00:15:09,521
What, you got
a live feed in here?
363
00:15:09,699 --> 00:15:11,219
Are they using any close-ups?
364
00:15:11,396 --> 00:15:13,656
I feel like they're shooting
everything in a wide,
365
00:15:13,833 --> 00:15:17,013
and, well,
the drama's right here.
366
00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:20,364
Guys, this is gonna be
hard to comprehend,
367
00:15:20,535 --> 00:15:24,275
but all of this
already happened yesterday.
368
00:15:24,452 --> 00:15:26,412
All right, they must've
wiped your memories
369
00:15:26,585 --> 00:15:28,015
so you have no recollection
370
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:29,975
of playing the game.Bullshit.
371
00:15:30,154 --> 00:15:32,504
I would remember
if they wiped my memory.
372
00:15:32,678 --> 00:15:34,418
- Yeah, me too.
- No, you wouldn't.
373
00:15:34,593 --> 00:15:36,203
That's not how
memory wiping works.
374
00:15:36,377 --> 00:15:38,677
You come from a time
where memory wiping's a thing?
375
00:15:38,858 --> 00:15:40,338
'Cause we do.
376
00:15:40,512 --> 00:15:42,782
I'm telling you we are gonna
keep playing this game
377
00:15:42,949 --> 00:15:45,429
again with slight variations
until we're dead.
378
00:15:45,604 --> 00:15:46,842
Even if that were true,
which it isn't,
379
00:15:46,866 --> 00:15:48,256
I can think of worse ways to go.
380
00:15:48,433 --> 00:15:50,223
- You have to believe me!
- No, sorry.
381
00:15:50,391 --> 00:15:52,221
My radar is finely tuned
to repetition.
382
00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:54,873
Even back at the restaurant
when everyone was clamoring
383
00:15:55,048 --> 00:15:56,308
for Wolfheart staples,
384
00:15:56,484 --> 00:15:59,014
I changed the menu
every goddamn day.
385
00:15:59,183 --> 00:16:00,923
Now, that's a terrible
business model,
386
00:16:01,098 --> 00:16:03,878
but, well, a true artist
never repeats himself.
387
00:16:04,057 --> 00:16:06,147
What you're describing,
that sounds like hell.
388
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,110
Josh, these people are awful.
389
00:16:08,279 --> 00:16:09,579
You don't need them.
390
00:16:09,759 --> 00:16:11,459
I can lead you home.
Follow me.
391
00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:13,460
I can't... I can't just
abandon them, okay?
392
00:16:13,632 --> 00:16:15,422
We're gonna go
to the Victor's Lounge.
393
00:16:15,590 --> 00:16:17,640
Yeah, sorry.
Victors only.
394
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,120
Goodbye, Josh.
395
00:16:20,291 --> 00:16:22,601
Guys, come on!
Don't just...
396
00:16:22,772 --> 00:16:24,952
See how quickly
they leave you behind?
397
00:16:25,122 --> 00:16:26,782
You must do the same.
398
00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:28,870
That's just like our
dynamic, okay?
399
00:16:29,039 --> 00:16:30,039
It's-it's fun.
400
00:16:30,214 --> 00:16:31,654
If we're gonna do this,
401
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,354
we're gonna do things my way.
402
00:16:33,521 --> 00:16:35,351
Just tell me
what I need to know.
403
00:16:40,441 --> 00:16:42,271
Guys, listen.
We have to get out of here.
404
00:16:42,443 --> 00:16:44,143
The only way is through
this elevator.
405
00:16:44,315 --> 00:16:46,005
Otherwise,
we're dead, eventually.
406
00:16:46,186 --> 00:16:47,666
What is he talking about?
407
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,710
No idea.
Sounds boring.
408
00:16:57,632 --> 00:16:59,242
This is the only safe place
to talk.
409
00:16:59,417 --> 00:17:00,937
This is a really old elevator,
410
00:17:01,114 --> 00:17:03,164
and it passes through
a magnetic rock section,
411
00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:04,864
and then the cameras get jammed.
412
00:17:05,031 --> 00:17:06,641
Guys, wait for me!
413
00:17:09,209 --> 00:17:10,209
Baseball?
414
00:17:16,521 --> 00:17:18,131
I just want to sleep!
415
00:17:20,438 --> 00:17:23,008
I am telling you,
you memories have been wiped.
416
00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:24,220
You have to believe me!
417
00:17:25,922 --> 00:17:28,192
Please turn it down!
No! Unh!
418
00:17:40,110 --> 00:17:41,720
Don't you guys think
it's weird I know
419
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:43,424
everything you're about to say?
420
00:17:43,591 --> 00:17:45,461
No? No reaction?
Okay.
421
00:17:50,729 --> 00:17:51,949
I'm telling you guys,
422
00:17:52,122 --> 00:17:53,472
this is the only way to escape.
423
00:17:53,645 --> 00:17:54,815
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
424
00:17:54,994 --> 00:17:56,784
You're pitching escape
and don't mention
425
00:17:56,953 --> 00:17:58,873
the word "escape"
until 30 seconds in?
426
00:17:59,042 --> 00:18:00,832
You gotta work
on your elevator pitch.
427
00:18:21,891 --> 00:18:24,851
There you are,
my hapless wonder.
428
00:18:25,024 --> 00:18:27,644
Look at them.
They love-slash-pity you.
429
00:18:27,810 --> 00:18:29,420
Erase my memory.
I'm begging you.
430
00:18:29,594 --> 00:18:31,204
No way! You kidding?
431
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,768
People wait their whole
careers for a run like this.
432
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,206
You remembering while Tiger and Wolf don't?
433
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,473
That's the special sauce,
434
00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:38,905
and you don't want me
435
00:18:39,082 --> 00:18:40,692
to serve my signature meal
436
00:18:40,866 --> 00:18:42,516
without my special sauce,
do you?
437
00:18:42,694 --> 00:18:45,224
I don't care about
your special sauce.
438
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:47,352
It's more delicious
with the special sauce.
439
00:18:47,525 --> 00:18:49,915
I just want to die!
This is, like, the fifth time
440
00:18:50,093 --> 00:18:52,363
I've had to train myself
to walk again!
441
00:18:52,530 --> 00:18:54,580
47 times you failed
to get off that elevator.
442
00:18:54,749 --> 00:18:56,099
Do you know how hard that is?
443
00:18:56,273 --> 00:18:58,493
I am trying. I know!
444
00:18:58,666 --> 00:19:00,186
That's what makes it so funny.
445
00:19:00,364 --> 00:19:02,374
It's crazy.
You're really trying.
446
00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:04,670
And Tiger and Wolf, the savagery.
447
00:19:04,847 --> 00:19:06,367
They are from the worst timeline.
448
00:19:06,544 --> 00:19:07,894
If they keep this up,
449
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,610
we're gonna release the killing machine,
450
00:19:09,634 --> 00:19:10,984
and we've never had to do that.
451
00:19:11,157 --> 00:19:12,457
Tiger and Wolf are my heroes.
452
00:19:12,637 --> 00:19:14,987
You, my bumbling comic relief.
453
00:19:15,161 --> 00:19:16,291
I'm back on top.
454
00:19:16,467 --> 00:19:17,987
If I keep this up,
455
00:19:18,164 --> 00:19:20,344
the network is gonna let me
own my wife
456
00:19:20,514 --> 00:19:22,214
and daughter outright,
free and clear.
457
00:19:22,386 --> 00:19:24,516
Maintenance included.Congratulations.
458
00:19:24,692 --> 00:19:26,352
Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. I'd say.
459
00:19:28,087 --> 00:19:29,827
Ready to do this another way?
460
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,352
My way?
No. No, no, no.
461
00:19:32,526 --> 00:19:34,746
Didn't you hear him?
I'm not an action hero.
462
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,310
I'm the comic relief.
463
00:19:36,487 --> 00:19:38,287
I can't do any of this
without Tiger and Wolf.
464
00:19:38,402 --> 00:19:40,362
You've allowed
yourself to believe
465
00:19:40,534 --> 00:19:42,284
you're a worthless
piece of shit.
466
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,019
The world thinks you're
a worthless piece of shit.
467
00:19:45,191 --> 00:19:47,061
That is your greatest advantage.
468
00:19:47,237 --> 00:19:48,797
That's my advantage?
You know what?
469
00:19:48,978 --> 00:19:50,368
It really doesn't feel like one.
470
00:19:50,544 --> 00:19:52,424
- Can I please have another?
- No!
471
00:19:52,590 --> 00:19:55,550
Let them dismiss you,
mock you, upstage you,
472
00:19:55,723 --> 00:19:57,423
and underneath their very noses,
473
00:19:57,595 --> 00:19:59,805
we will accomplish
the impossible
474
00:19:59,989 --> 00:20:01,989
and get you home.
475
00:20:15,961 --> 00:20:18,441
You thinking Pelican's Folly?
Nah, too risky.
476
00:20:18,616 --> 00:20:20,176
Those bionic pumas
would sniff it out
477
00:20:20,357 --> 00:20:22,030
before we could get
enough rocks in our mouth.
478
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,534
Hyena's Whisper?
479
00:20:23,708 --> 00:20:25,618
Appreciate the pitch.
Terrible idea.
480
00:20:25,797 --> 00:20:27,296
Hmm, yeah, don't know
what I was thinking.
481
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,970
I'll leave the strategizing
to you two.
482
00:20:29,148 --> 00:20:30,798
It's cool.
Stay in your lane.
483
00:20:30,976 --> 00:20:33,326
Hey, you know, uh, I was
reading in the green room.
484
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,590
Apparently, there's all sorts
of mythological,
485
00:20:35,763 --> 00:20:38,293
genetically-modified creatures
inside the Death Arena.
486
00:20:38,462 --> 00:20:40,682
I bet you could not get
a mermaid's gallbladder.
487
00:20:40,855 --> 00:20:42,245
Mermaid's gallbladder?
488
00:20:42,422 --> 00:20:44,472
A stupid trophy
only an idiot would want.
489
00:20:44,642 --> 00:20:47,252
All right, I just know they're
a really prized possession
490
00:20:47,427 --> 00:20:48,947
and extremely difficult
to cut out.
491
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:50,255
It's fine, it's fine.
492
00:20:50,430 --> 00:20:51,950
I'm sure,
you know, you probably...
493
00:20:52,128 --> 00:20:53,518
Probably couldn't do it anyways.
494
00:20:55,174 --> 00:20:57,224
Turns out mermaid bile's acidic.
495
00:20:57,394 --> 00:20:58,664
That and their tears.
496
00:20:58,830 --> 00:21:00,400
You know they weep
when you kill 'em?
497
00:21:00,571 --> 00:21:03,361
Oh, pathetic creatures, really.
498
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:05,880
Yes, Josh. Now they're playing your game.
499
00:21:06,055 --> 00:21:09,145
Yep, I said it.
Arachno-bot web spindle.
500
00:21:09,319 --> 00:21:11,189
See how they do your bidding?
501
00:21:11,364 --> 00:21:13,414
No way you get
a stegosaurus femur.
502
00:21:13,584 --> 00:21:15,674
Guess who just
went extinct again?
503
00:21:15,847 --> 00:21:17,627
You have the tools.
504
00:21:17,805 --> 00:21:20,675
Now I will teach you
how to wield them.
505
00:21:26,379 --> 00:21:27,639
As you were, everyone.
506
00:21:27,815 --> 00:21:29,465
You all know
Stanley and Randall.
507
00:21:29,643 --> 00:21:32,263
I actually recently
leveled up Stanley
508
00:21:32,429 --> 00:21:34,739
with the musical prodigy
expansion pack.
509
00:21:34,909 --> 00:21:37,039
Give them a taste, Stan.
510
00:21:58,063 --> 00:22:00,543
Magnifico, amore.
511
00:22:00,718 --> 00:22:02,198
Big show tonight, everyone.
512
00:22:02,372 --> 00:22:04,682
They're even beaming us
to the off-world colonies,
513
00:22:04,852 --> 00:22:07,292
and those pasty crater monkeys
never watch this show.
514
00:22:09,466 --> 00:22:12,466
You are the most successful
human man
515
00:22:12,643 --> 00:22:14,653
my programming can process.
516
00:22:16,951 --> 00:22:19,301
You're damn right I am.Yes.
517
00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:26,440
Okay, this might get
a little old.
518
00:22:28,137 --> 00:22:29,657
It's now or never, Josh.
519
00:22:37,059 --> 00:22:39,239
What the fuck are you doing?
520
00:22:39,409 --> 00:22:41,499
Escaping.
Yeah, that's right.
521
00:22:41,672 --> 00:22:43,242
You guys think
that this is day one,
522
00:22:43,413 --> 00:22:45,423
but it's actually day 60.
523
00:22:45,589 --> 00:22:47,809
You won't listen to me
because you're both dicks.
524
00:22:47,982 --> 00:22:49,382
There's no winning with you two,
525
00:22:49,549 --> 00:22:50,949
and there's no winning
in this game.
526
00:22:50,985 --> 00:22:52,545
Well said, but go faster.
527
00:22:52,726 --> 00:22:54,336
Every second counts.
528
00:22:54,511 --> 00:22:57,301
Don't forget the clove hitch
for the safety.
529
00:22:57,470 --> 00:22:59,690
Okay, there's a 640-foot drop,
530
00:22:59,864 --> 00:23:01,954
and only 620 feet
of Arachno-silk.
531
00:23:02,127 --> 00:23:03,517
If you guys want to escape,
532
00:23:03,694 --> 00:23:05,454
you have to swing over
and climb onto a ledge
533
00:23:05,478 --> 00:23:06,758
and go the rest of the way down.
534
00:23:08,002 --> 00:23:09,662
Wall pegs are to the left.
535
00:23:14,922 --> 00:23:16,662
When did you get kind of hot?
536
00:23:16,837 --> 00:23:19,617
I don't understand how
he figured this out in one day.
537
00:23:19,797 --> 00:23:21,147
Fuck you guys!
538
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:24,885
Who's ready for some...
539
00:23:26,412 --> 00:23:28,152
I find this very annoying.
540
00:23:28,327 --> 00:23:29,677
Tough call.
541
00:23:29,850 --> 00:23:31,770
First blood! First blood!
542
00:23:31,939 --> 00:23:36,679
And here they are,
ready to die!
543
00:23:36,703 --> 00:23:38,703
http://hiqve.com/
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