Original subtitles

[theme music]

[indistinct chattering]

I'll be back! I'm free!

[screaming]

[Freddy laughing]

[music continues]

Dad..

where do babies come from?

(male #1) 'Uh..'

'Well, Mikey, that's sort of a complicated story.'

C-come here.

First, there's this magic store.

And then come the bees..

and the daisies.

Snips, snails, and..

(together) puppy dog tails.

You whiny yuppies

you call that a story?

I'll give you a story.

[instrumental music]

But first..

let's deal with daddy!

[groans] S-so you see, son

that's how babies are made.

[crashing]

Yo, mama. What a crock!

[screaming]

Fetch, Fido.

[dog whimpering]

[electricity crackling]

Aw, the little kid's

afraid of the dark!

Now, that's something I can make a story out of.

[intense music]

[eerie music]

[dramatic music]

Hello?

[music continues]

Where is everybody?

It's too dark in here.

[music continues]

Hello?

[music continues]

Anybody there?

[growling]

Right, naturally.

[growling]

[screaming]

(Linda) 'Are you alright?'

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Well, no, actually.

Hoo!

Ooh.

That was a really weird dream

uh... about this kid

and he's-he's trapped in this..

some sort of tunnel and there's this creature

who, who comes after him and, and he runs and..

What time is it?

- It's noon, Michael. - Ah!

That would explain the, uh

big bright thing in the sky, then.

- I give up. - Hey, I win!

Stop it. You know what I'm talking about.

This can't go on!

You watch TV all night, you sleep away the day

you watch TV all afternoon...

[yawning] Uh, sometimes I go to the movies.

Michael, you have to find a job!

Think about your future.

[laughs]

I have struck out on hundreds of job interviews.

Listen to me, I'm sorry. I don't mean to nag.

I gotta go.

Murray, the boss from hell only gives us

15 minutes for lunch.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

Let me see.

[chuckles]

"Great job, great hours

great pay, great future."

Yeah. "Call now."

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

[birds chirping]

[music on stereo]

Oh, "Crabmen From Venus?" Is it good?

I'll tell you, man, no peer, no pay!

Well, actually, if you want my honest...

Is it good? Are you kidding?

This thing is a sci-fi classic.

It has got monsters like you wouldn't believe.

Blood, gore, guts, slime, rape, pillage.

You name it, it's got it.

What? I have small children.

And yet..

it is a real family film.

I mean, it's charming.

Poignant... heartwarming.

It's about a boy and his crabs.

Three dollars a day

and have it in by 11 tomorrow.

Don't forget to rewind!

[telephone ringing]

Somebody wanna get that phone, please?

So, uh, how about it?

'Dinner, a little Jacuzzi?'

Some late night satellite dish TV?

Don't listen to the slime.

Congratulate me.

I got a job.

Terrific! Where?

There was this ad in the paper

and when I called up, this guy hired me.

I'll see you tonight.

(Al) Hey, yo!

Look, I'm.. I-I got no change, okay?

I'm-I'm practically homeless myself, so..

- Bowman, right? - Yeah.

H-how did you know my name?

You told me. On the phone, remember?

I'm Al Canian, lord of the underworld.

Lord of the underworld? You're the guy that hired me?

- Come on. - No, no, no.

Al, where are you going?

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

- Come on. - No, no, this is a mistake!

"It's a mistake." It's no mistake! Come on!

Step into my office, kiddo.

Okay. It's just a job.

It's just a job.

I'm not gonna have a secretary

but it's... a job.

Hello?

Okay, take off your clothes.

Uh, take off my clothes?

Why?

'Cause there's where you're gonna be working.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

(Al) 'Yeah, like I always say'

'wonder what the world would be like without sewers.'

Before sewers there was nothing, you know?

Think about it.

Personal hygiene used to be, uh

to say the least, a little bit crude.

Then came the industrial revolution.

As that progressed

more and more people started living in one area

Disease became a major problem.

Man, we need sewers, kiddo

Al... what exactly is my job

here, in humanity's lower intestine?

Oh, yeah, look for cracks, smell for gas, uh

watch for blockages.

Depending on the rainfall you're gonna have to, uh

check valves and, uh, re-channel pipelines.

Overflow control, you understand?

Overflow control.

Yeah, but, uh, you gotta be careful.

It ain't all a bowel of cherries down here.

That's a joke. You get it?

Ah, a bowel of cherries.

Good one, Your Lordship.

Yeah, the centipedes are okay, the snakes aren't too bad.

After a few bites you build up an immunity.

It's, uh, the alligators.

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

So don't believe me.

You see, folks buy these little gators for their kids

at the pet stores and circuses and like that.

And, uh, they get big, they get loose.

They go to the gutters, they jump down the toilets

Either way, they wind up down here.

And they grow and they breed.

And they turn white becaus there's no light down here

- Albino alligators? Come on. - You don't laugh.

I got a three-inch scar on my right calf to prove it.

[electricity crackling]

Hey, please, will ya?

- I'm sorry. - What's the matter with you?

I'm sorry, Al, I..

It's just I'm having some problem

with the dark, that's all.

The dark?

[laughs] That's something

you're gonna have to get over fast.

Come on.

(Michael) 'Hey, Al.'

Al?

[screaming]

[crickets chirping]

[sighs]

What is it?

Did I mention that I was working for a nutbar?

Perhaps you've heard of him, Al Canian

lord of the underworld.

Did I mention that?

Only about half a dozen times tonight

I mean, the man actually owns a white rubber alligator.

He used it to initiate new recruits.

Oh, it sounds to me like he has a sense of humor.

I don't know what you're so concerned about.

I'm having a little trouble with the dark, okay?

Like, I'm terrified of it.

You're acting like a kid.

Linda... I just spent my day

in the dark with Mr. Wackoid and his rubber pal.

So please allow me

this one little childhood phobia, okay?

I have a job now and not a very respectable one.

But it will pay the bills.

I'm sorry.

And I'm proud of you, I really am.

Working in the sewer is nothing to be ashamed o

as long as you take a shower before you come home.

Oh.

That was cold.

[laughing] Oh, oh, oh, poor baby.

I'll protect you.

- I know what you need. - Hm.

Something to keep your mind off it

something to help you sleep.

Couldn't we do this with the lights on?

[moaning]

[electricity crackling]

[dramatic music]

[heartbeats]

(Mikey) Mom says it's just my imagination.

'Nothing to fear.'

[heartbeats]

[dramatic music]

Easy for her to say.

[screaming]

[panting]

I like this, don't you? This is good, don't you think?

Makes the room, like, a whole lot... brighter.

Michael, this has got to stop!

Please, Linda, please. Just for tonight, please.

[panting]

[dramatic music]

(Al) 'Pay attention, kid.'

We got a blockage on the 3rd main.

That's under the old part of town.

Now, nobody's checked it out for a couple years.

The back up valve is right there.

All you gotta do is open it, and you're done. Clean flush.

You got it?

Clean flush. I got it.

Good boy.

Aren't you coming?

No, no, you're going solo today. Have fun.

Solo, huh?

Huh.

Ed Norton, eat your heart out, huh?

Hey, Ralph.

Ha, I got this licked.

Hey, I got this beat, eh?

I'm smarter than the average bear.

Babbling Billy. Yeah, that's what I am.

Okay. No problem.

It's just a little walk in the park.

It's just a walk in the woods.

It's just a walk on the beach.

It's just a walk in..

[water splashing]

It's just a walk.

[intense music]

Now, I've seen that before.

[flashlight crackling]

Oh, no. God, no, please. No.

[creaking]

[door creaking]

[intense music]

Al, Al, Al, there's something down there

i-in the old valve.

There was this hatchway and it opened by itself

and then this thing came at me, it came at me with...

Hold it!

Okay, take it easy, don't worry.

Did you get the valve open?

No, I didn't get the valve open!

Okay, look, don't worry, it'll be alright

as long as it don't rain and overflow.

- Al, Al, Al. - Look, go home.

I..

Go home.

[instrumental music]

I don't know.

This one's one of the pretty tight

huh, Ralphie?

[dramatic music]

[heartbeats]

(Mikey) 'Okay, that's it.'

Come and get me, sucker.

No, no, no!

Michael, that's it! It's either me or the lights!

Please, Linda, I'm going nuts.

I understand, okay? I'm sympathetic.

But you kept me up all last night.

I need to get some sleep!

Now, get a grip on yourself, Michael.

I'm here.

It's okay, I'm here.

You're right, you're right. You're right.

[panting]

That does it!

Please, Linda, just one little light!

You're 25 years old, Michael.

You're not supposed to be afraid of the dark.

- You're a grown man! - L-Linda, please.

- Just for tonight. - I don't care.

If I have to get on the bu

I am gonna get some sleep.

[panting] Linda..

all the men in the worl

I have to date..

- Linda. - Goodbye, Michael.

Linda. Linda!

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[thunder rumbling]

[sighs]

[sobbing]

[rain pouring]

(Al) It'll be okay, kid

as long as it doesn't rain.

[thunder rumbling]

[gun cocks]

[laughs]

[Al humming]

Hey, kiddo.

It rained last night.

Valve, old tunnel.

I'm on it.

[gun cocks]

Clean flush.

[Al humming]

[Michael screaming]

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[creaking]

[gun cocks]

[creaking]

[door opens]

What the hell?

Okay, I'm outta here.

[growling]

[screaming]

[gunshot]

[footsteps approaching]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

Are you alright, mister?

[growling]

I think so.

What the hell is that thing?

The thing in your closet

under your bed in the dark

It's whatever scares you.

- Who are you? - Michael Bowman.

Oh. Hold it, okay?

I'mMichael Bowman.

How'd you get my gun?

- How did you getmygun? - I don't know.

You kids should not play with guns.

Grown-ups should not be afraid of the dark.

If you are me, you are me grown up.

I can't believe what a geek I'm gonna be.

Hey, do you think growing up

is like playing a Nintendo game?

You know, my mom..

our mom always says

you have to face what scares you.

She's right.

Here.

Keep this for luck.

You will need it.

And, um, sorry about the geek crack

Oh. Oh, no sweat.

One question.

- If you're really me, that is. - Hm.

Girls. We finally get one, don't we?

- Yeah. - Worth the wait?

[chuckles] Yeah.

[dramatic music]

[thinking] Clean flush. I'm on it.

[laughs] Al, I got it!

I got the valve! Clean flush!

Take it easy. You done good, kid.

You done good.

[laughs]

(man on radio) 'Yeah, victim fell down a sewer entrance.'

'Condition critical, we're coming in.'

[dramatic music]

Hey!

[siren wailing]

What a fall!

[laughs]

It was no fall.

Albino alligators.

Gets 'em every time.

[intense music]

There's nothing to fear but fear. Trust me.

[laughs]

[groans]

[screaming]

[burps]

[indistinct mumbling]

[laughing]

You know, anyone can talk to me.

[blabbering]

I don't know what he was sayin'.

What do you mean you don't have "Royal Blend?"

- Everybody has it. - Sorry, kid.

But if I ain't got it, I ain't got it.

I mean, what do you want me to do?

Sneak into somebody's hous

and wrestle it out of their VCR?

- Okay, huh? - Fine.

Then I'll just have my mom drive me over

to some other stupid video place.

Wait a minute.

Here. Try this.

What is it?

"Chainsaw Bikers" that'll knock your socks off.

Yeah, right.

Hey, come on. It's got babes and bazookas.

You can't lose.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

Hey, kid, you wanna work for me?

For you, scuz?

No way. I make more with my allowance.

And my parents are cheap.

Oh, yeah, right! Don't forget to rewind!

[music continues]

- Where the hell have you been? - I've been at the hospital.

My boyfriend's had an accident.

He's really messed up.

Oh..

Lover boy's out of action, huh?

Leave me alone, please.

Mm, I love a little resistance when I lay pipe.

It heightens the rush.

Back off, toad.

Toad?

Wanna play leapfrog?

It's for you.

- Yello. - 'Sexual harassment hotline.'

(woman on phone) 'May I help you?'

[bell rings]

Hey, John Love.

I pay you to watch for shoplifters

not "Suzy Suckle Seattle."

Yes, sir, Mr. McKenna.

Out of here! Take your clumsy outta here!

[instrumental music]

I need a manicure.

Raymond Jordan, Black Night Audio?

Do you have a minute?

Oh, I'm a busy man, Mr. Jordan.

I'm a busy man.

I'm a collector for Black Night Audio.

You owe us a lot of money, Mr. McKenna.

For a self help audio cassettes we advanced you.

Ha ha.

Audio cassettes.

Sorry, but I'm in the, uh, video cassette business.

So can you, uh

show me a contract.

No... because you already

sold the cassettes.

And as for a contract

we shook hands.

[clicks tongue]

Art of the deal, Mr. Jordan.

Art of the deal.

Sotha

[scoffs]

"How To Be A Mega Success

or your money back."

[chuckles] It's a joke, right?

[laughing]

This is special.

This is the prototype of our new subliminal

sleep-learnin' light enhancement tape.

It is designed to activate the innate inner talent

of the person who uses it.

Bring them to the surface.

Use it tonight when you go to bed.

With your knowledge of making money..

if it works for you..

imagine..

you can wake up tomorro and become a rich man.

Beyond your wildest dreams

Eh, I don't know.

I mean, I'm a busy man.

What's the hook?

Maybe you'll..

square your bill?

Carry the line of them.

What do you say?

No strings.

No strings.

[instrumental music]

A poem

by Freddy Krueger.

[clears throat]

"I once met a guy who was sleaze

"Whose throat I then slit with much ease

[chuckles] "He thought he had smarts

"Till I cut off his parts

[chuckles] "And then all he had left

were his [bleep].."

Hey! Hey!

Bleep this!

Son of a..

[clears throat]

"How To Be A Mega Success."

[chuckles]

[eerie music]

[sighs]

(man on tape) 'Welcome to Black Night Audio'

'Self Help Cassette series.'

'Where all your dreams can become reality.'

'How To Be A Mega Success.'

'Start by closing your eyes.'

'Now visualize the most important'

'thing in your life.'

[music continues]

Mommy!

Daddy?

Where did we go wrong?

Wrong?

What wrong?

We failed you, son.

I'm a success.

You're a butt, son.

Pure and simple.

'Selfish.'

'Vicious.'

'You're a low-life, double-talking'

'lecherous slime ball.'

Not to mention a poor dresser and..

halitosis.

If only he'd kept a clean room.

Ate his spinach, made his bed!

Not enough discipline!

Son?

Wait a minute.

The two of you are dead.

This is going to hurt you much worse

than it's going to hurt us, son.

Uh-huh.

[both spit]

[both spit]

[intense music]

[screaming]

[sighs]

What the hell was that all about?

Murray. Is that you?

Rebecca.

Honey, I just had the weirdest dream.

I was a kid again and..

my parents came into my room

and they wonked off my..

Oh.

[chuckles] How stupid of me.

You're my girl.

[inhales]

With the blood test together

we have great safe sex.

Had, you worm.

You're a low-life, double-talking

lecherous slime ball.

[dramatic music]

Who's Conan?

[grunts]

[groans]

[groans]

(male #2) 'You think you're such a big man, eh?'

Well, now you're nobody.

Nothing but a fat belly

flat nose piece of

coagulated yellow boogers and I

I, yo man, I'm sick of your insults

you peer, you bossin' me like you own the whole world!

Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa. W-w-wait a, wait a minute. I..

H-h-how about a raise, huh?

'M-minimum wage, a-a promotion.

Head of security in my store, okay?

Come on, what do you say, huh?

[speaking in foreign language]

[instrumental music]

That's it.

That's it, that security guard is fired

first thing tomorrow morning.

That jerk is finished.

He's nothing but historical data.

Huh?

[siren blaring]

[groaning]

Huh?

Huh?

[gasps]

[gasping]

[groans]

What kind of hangover is this?

[gasping]

[music continues]

[groans]

Mm, mm?

Mm..

Mm..

[eerie music]

Oh..

[music continues]

Dream.

Oh, it was just a dream.

[screaming]

Hello, maggot!

[eerie music]

[laughing] You really had me going there for a while.

- Did I? - 'Oh, yeah, sure.'

Dream after dream after dream.

Ooh, cool effect. Ha ha.

Still don't get the drift, do you, Murray?

- What drift? - 'You don't wake up.'

Till Isay<row16

Go suck an egg.

Ooh. Mm-mm.

Bad attitude.

You know that's somethin' you should work on.

'You got no respect.'

'You use people'

'you hurt people'

and it means nothin' to you.

But that can change.

In fact

I'll even help you change.

[engine revving]

[screaming]

[laughing]

Back to normal? Uh-uh.

Not so fast, brother-in-law.

You..

Get out of my dream.

Get out!

[panting] Wake up.

[panting] Wake up.

[panting] Wake up. Wake up. Wake the hell up!

You wake up

when Iwantyou to wak

Oh, no.

Everything is gonna be alright.

Everything is gonna be just fine

because I am going

to will you out of my mind

Om..

Oh, will me a pepperoni pizza, will you, Murray?

[laughing]

Oh, this isn't possible.

It isn't.

What do you want from me?

What are you doing to me?

We have been down this block

brother-in-law.

Subliminal manipulation?

Power of suggestion?

The tape.

It was a bullet

with your name on it.

So..

Murraybaby!

You best..

go with the flow.

Getwiththe program.

Because your subconscious

is mine!

[intense music]

[panting]

Murray, baby.

That won't do any good. This is a dream.

And that is the dream version of the tape.

The real you is still lying in bed.

Stillsnoozing.

While the real tape is stillrolling along

and rolling along

and along and along.

Alright!<TO

I surrender!

Uncle! Are you happy now? Huh?

You happy? You won! Okay?

I give up!

What do you want?

[laughs] What you owe us.

Half your store, your money.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

You're dreamin' now, pal!

Never!

[eerie music]

Have it your way.

The Black Night collection department

will pick up from here.

Finalpayment

Brother-in-law!

Yeah, let 'em try.

[eerie music]

[gasping] Just let 'em tr..

[saw whirring]

[Murray gasping]

Oh.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[panting]

[gasping]

[gasping]

[whimpers]

[gasping]

[birds chirping]

[gasps]

Hold them off for me, pal.

[birds chirping]

[eerie music]

[gasping]

I've been here before.

I've been here before.

And I didn't like it the last time either.

Oh, no!

[music continues]

[gasping]

[whimpering]

[screaming]

[engine revving]

[horse galloping]

[gasps]

[engine revving]

[horse galloping]

[whimpering] No.

[intense music]

[crying] No!

Okay! I give up!

[crying] Uncle!

Murray MacNeil surrenders!

[crying] Are you happy?

I give up!

[crying]

[laughing]

[laughing] Need a lift?

Had enough?

Alright. Okay!

You win, I give up!

Do you agree to the terms we discussed?

Yes! Done!

Pay our bill and sign over half your assets.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Anything! I'll do anything!

Just let me wake up please!

Get out.

[screaming]

[laughing]

[screaming]

[instrumental music]

All of that only took 25 minutes?

Okay, pal.

You win.

I hereby

pay Ray Jordan

and Black Night

one half

of all I own.

Sincerely..

[panting]

[sighs]

Okay.

I'll call the lawyer in the morning

and I'll take this down to the store.

Now.

Then everything will be fine.

Everything's gonna be copacetic. Everything's gonna be cool.

[music continues]

Except for one detail.

[instrumental music]

[chuckling]

No! It's me!

[gunshots]

You... twit.

[gunshot]

Hold on. 9-1-1.

4-1-1.

'Operator, operator.'

'Operator, a man about to go Babylon!'

Oh, no. Boss.

- I just shot you? - You're fired, you putz.

[gasps]

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Oh, no!

No way! But..

I'm still dreaming?

I-I'm still trapped?

Alright! Now you're catchin' on!

Very good.

But-but-but I signed the papers!

A-and I owe you f-for half of all I own.

Y-you said you'd let me out of it.

We shook on it!

What was it you told me

when we were back in your store?

"Art of the deal."

[laughing]

Yes, sir. Artof the deal.

But we shook hands!

[laughing] So?

[screaming]

[gasps]

Well, looks like I'm out of here, sleaze.

No!

Mr. Jordan?

Don't leave me.

[echoing] Please?

To sleep..

perchance to dream.

To dream.

To dream.

To dream.

To dream.

[eerie music]

[theme music]

[music continues]